Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 737730 times)

Offline monk

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6465 on: Jan 13, 2023, 06:20:42 AM »
 MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! God Bless America!
"Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young."
Theodore Rooseve

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6466 on: Jan 15, 2023, 05:20:05 AM »


A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman.
The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!”
The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.”
“All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.”
Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.”
“I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.”
“She looked worse for wear so I took pity on her and let her into the car.”
“In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.”
“She devoured it in seconds.”
“Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.”
“While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.”
“I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.”
“I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.”
The husband took a deep breath and continued…
“She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…”
“You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use/

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6467 on: Jan 15, 2023, 06:48:49 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6468 on: Jan 16, 2023, 03:50:03 AM »


The wonders of water:

If you’re feeling down, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.
It’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.




Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6469 on: Jan 17, 2023, 04:05:39 AM »


While preaching about forgiving ones enemies, the preacher asked for a show of hands of those who were willing to forgive their enemies. About half of the congregation raised their hands. The minister continued his lection and again asked for a show of hands. This time, 80 percent of his congregation raised their hands. Not giving up, the minister continued for fifteen more minutes. When he again asked for a show of hands, all members—except one—raised their hands."Mr. Jones,” asked the minster, “are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”"I don't have any.”Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. I know you are 86-years-old. Would you please come down to the front and explain to all of us how you have lived so long without making a single enemy in the world?”Mr. Jones teetered to the front and briefly explained, “Its easy. I've outlived every one of them.”


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6470 on: Jan 17, 2023, 05:28:01 AM »
 :)


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6471 on: Jan 18, 2023, 05:59:08 AM »


After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her.
He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes.

On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan.
The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?
Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. How much do I owe you?
The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty.
The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor.
Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hand the groom four dollars and fifty cents.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6472 on: Jan 19, 2023, 05:11:17 AM »
 :D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6473 on: Jan 20, 2023, 05:07:02 AM »


Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."


The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6474 on: Jan 21, 2023, 04:24:25 AM »


A woman met her husband at the train station after work for the ride home. He looked haggard, so she asked, "Rough day?"

"You bet it was," he groaned. "Our computers were down, and we had to think all day long."

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6475 on: Jan 21, 2023, 06:06:11 AM »
 :)


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6476 on: Jan 22, 2023, 04:36:10 AM »


In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested.
Then God created man, and then they both rested.
Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever rested.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6477 on: Jan 22, 2023, 01:56:31 PM »
 :) :) how so true


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6478 on: Jan 24, 2023, 04:03:00 AM »


A man runs to the doctor and says: "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks: How long was she had this condition?"
"Two years." replies the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the doctor. The man shrugs his shoulders and replies: "We needed the eggs"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6479 on: Jan 24, 2023, 11:16:52 PM »
 ;D


 


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