Comic Relief!!

[jamison1]

 

[30-30]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping
 trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay
 down for the night, and went to sleep.
 
 Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his
 faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell
 me what you see."
 
 Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
 
 "What does that tell you?"
 
 Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it
 tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
 billions of planets.
 
 Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
 
 Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a
 quarter past three.
 
 Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful
 and that we are small and insignificant.
 
 Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
 beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
 
 Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke."Watson,
 you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

An attorney was frustrated that lawyers had such a reputation
 for dishonesty. He decided to have is little say in defense of
 lawyers even after his death and added to his will that his grave
 stone was to be clearly marked HERE LIES A LAWYER
 AND AN HONEST MAN!

 Problem was, everybody concluded there must be two people
 buried at that spot!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[chuckrudy]

good one

[30-30]

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in
 Europe; as it happens, in Transylvania.
 
 They're driving a rental car along a rather deserted
 highway. It's late, and raining very hard. Bob can
 barely see 10 feet in front of the car.
 
 Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts
 to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves
 and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes
 his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the
 passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious,
 with her head bleeding.
 
 Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows
 he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
 
 Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging
 down the road. After a short while, he sees a light.
 He heads towards the light, which is coming from an
 old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
 
 A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the
 door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob
 Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible
 accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I
 please use your phone??"
 
 "I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a
 phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him."
 
 Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the
 stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I
 am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is
 many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic
 medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them
 down to the laboratory."
 
 With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs,
 with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table
 in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own
 injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
 
 After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.
 "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."
 
 Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.
 Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
 
 The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily,
 he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses
 his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found
 solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting
 melody fills the house.
 
 Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music
 fills the lab, his eyes catch movement. He notices the
 fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch.
 
 Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is
 further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to
 contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
 He bursts in and shouts to his master:
 
 (Don't page down unless you have a strong stomach...)
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 You sure you want to know?
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 O.K. You asked for it......
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 "Master, Master!... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that
 crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great
 white throne. God addresses Al first.
 
 "Al, what do you believe in?"
 
 Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and
 that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more
 freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll
all die."
 
 God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with
 that. Come and sit at my left,"
 
 God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you
 believe in?"
 
 Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think
 people should be able to make their own choices about things and
 that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do.
 I also believe in feeling people's pain."
 
 God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds
 good. Come and sit at my right."
 
 God then addresses Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you
 believe?"
 
 Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[joe snag]

Wasn't Hillary on the plane  too !!!!!!!!

[30-30]

Wasn't Hillary on the plane  too !!!!!!!!

            Not this time, it was men only, I don't think she qualifies.

[30-30]

The latest proposal to drive the Taliban and Al Qaeda out of
 the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in the ASF (Alabama
 Special Forces.) Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, Cooter and Junior
 are being sent in with the following information about the Taliban:

 1. The season opened last weekend.

 2. There is no limit.

 3. They taste just like chicken.

 4. The hate beer, pickup trucks, country music, and Jesus.

 5. They don't like barbecue.

 6. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.

 We estimate it should be over in just about two days.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[chuckrudy]

good one.