Comic Relief!!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life was, of course “perfect.”
     
       One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a SUV) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple they stopped to help.
       
       There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
       
       Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
       
       Who was the survivor?
       
       The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
       
       So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was an accident.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Why doesn’t Santa have any children ?Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it’s down the chimney.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

                                                          Twelve Days of Fast Food
 On the first day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 A Big Bacon Classic with cheese.


 On the second day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Two Happy Meals,
 and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the third day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the fourth day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the fifth day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the sixth day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Six chocolate milkshakes,
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the seventh day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Seven pints of cole slaw,
 Six chocolate milkshakes,
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the eighth day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Eight bowls of chili,
 Seven pints of cole slaw,
 Six chocolate milkshakes,
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the ninth day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Nine polish hot dogs,
 Eight bowls of chili,
 Seven pints of cole slaw,
 Six chocolate milkshakes,
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the tenth day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Ten baked potatoes,
 Nine polish hot dogs,
 Eight bowls of chili,
 Seven pints of cole slaw,
 Six chocolate milkshakes,
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the eleventh day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Eleven pounds of blubber,
 Ten baked potatoes,
 Nine polish hot dogs,
 Eight bowls of chili,
 Seven pints of cole slaw,
 Six chocolate milkshakes,
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the twelfth day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Twelve bags of Pepto,
 Eleven pounds of blubber,
 Ten baked potatoes,
 Nine polish hot dogs,
 Eight bowls of chili,
 Seven pints of cole slaw,
 Six chocolate milkshakes,
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with Cheese


 
 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

•What kind of motorcycle does Santy ride?
 A "Holly" Davidson!
•Why does Santa always go down the chimney?
 Because it soots him!
•Who delivers Christmas presents to pets?
 Why, Santa Paws of course!
•Where does Santa stay when he's on holidays?
 At a Ho-ho-tel!
•What would you call Father Christmas if he became a detective?
 Santa Clues!
•What does Santa get if he gets stuck in a chimney?
  Claustrophobic!
•What does Mrs. Claus sing to Santy on his birthday?
 "Freeze a jolly good fellow!"
•How many chimneys does Saint Nick go down?
 Stacks!
•What does Santa put on his toast?
 "Jingle Jam"
•What goes oh, oh, oh?
 Santa Claus walking backwards!
•What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a duck?
 A Christmas Quacker!
•Why does Santa owe everything to the elves?
 Because he is an elf-made man!
•An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill.  Which one picked it up??
 Santa!  The other two don't exist!
•What nationality is Santa Claus?
 North Polish!
•What do you do if Santa Claus gets stuck in your chimney?
 Pour Santa flush on him!
•What's red and green and flies?
 An airsick Santa Claus!
•What does Santa say to the toys on Christmas Eve?
 Okay everyone, sack time!
•What do you call Saint Nick after he has come down the chimney?
 Cinder Claus!
•What do the elves call it when Père Noël claps his hands at the end of a play?
 Santapplause!
•What's red and white and falls down the chimney?
 Santa Klutz!
•Why does Santa like to work in his garden?
  Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!
•Where does Father Christmas go to vote?
 The North Poll!
•What do you call a kitty on the beach on Christmas morning?
 Sandy Claws!
•What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh! Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
 Santa caught in a revolving door!
•Why does Santa's sleigh get such good mileage?
 Because it has long-distance runners on each side!
•Who delivers presents to dentist offices?
 Santa Jaws!
•How does Père Noël take pictures?
 With his North "Pole"-aroid!
•What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he looked out the window?
 Looks like "rain", "Dear"!
•What's red & white and red & white and red & white?
 Santa rolling down a hill!
•What is twenty feet tall, has sharp teeth and goes Ho Ho Ho?
 Tyranno-santa Rex!
•How do we know Santa is such a good race car driver?
 Because he's always in the pole position!
•What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
 His north pole!
•Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?
 Elephanta Claus!
•What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?
 Crisp Kringle!
•What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
 His north pole!
•Why does St. Nicholas have a white beard?
 So he can hide at the North Pole!
•What do you call Santa when he has no money?
 Saint "Nickel"-less!
•What smells most in a chimney?
 Santa's nose!
•What does Kris Kringle like to get when he goes to the donut shop?
 A jolly roll!
•What do you call someone who doesn't believe in Father Christmas?
 A rebel without a Claus!
•What did Santa get when he crossed a woodpecker with kleenex?
 Rapping paper!
•What does Santa like to have for breakfast?
 Mistle-"toast"!
•What is invisible but smells like milk and cookies?
 Kris Kringle burps!



 

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

                                                                                        The Birth of a Tradition



One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

 Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
 Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of  little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

 The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it  a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.  Where would you like me to stick it?"
 Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[chuckrudy]

good one.

[THEOZON]

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “Where should I put my pants”?   


“Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting. 

 

[chuckrudy]

good one

[Green Mountian Hunter]

        hahaha   Nice one   Ozon