Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 912753 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4770 on: Sep 24, 2018, 04:32:57 AM »


A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. For this particular trip, he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: “You rest here while I register – I’ll be back within an hour.”
So, his wife lies down on the bed…and just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he’ll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
“Look, lie here on the bed – you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”
So he lies down next to the wife… Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says in an ominous tone, “are you doing here?”
The manager replies: “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4771 on: Sep 25, 2018, 03:43:26 AM »


A Blonde Redneck Guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The Guy thinks for a moment and says, 'First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.'
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The Guy is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, 'And what about your other two wishes?'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Give me two more just like this one!'


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4772 on: Sep 26, 2018, 03:06:30 AM »


 A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming knowledgeable about the Bible. But one day, she surprised her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"


Offline seags

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4773 on: Sep 26, 2018, 08:34:18 AM »
 I do not get this one.
Is it LeBron James that he is talking about?
That is the only King James that I have heard of.

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4774 on: Sep 27, 2018, 03:05:07 AM »
I do not get this one.
Is it LeBron James that he is talking about?
That is the only King James that I have heard of.
              Are you a religious person, then you would know!

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4775 on: Sep 27, 2018, 03:05:41 AM »


A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God". A postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my Mom is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?" The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise $300.A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed to God. The boy thanked God for the recent infusion of cash, but ended with this request: "Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you send it through the post office they deduct $200."



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4776 on: Sep 28, 2018, 03:37:33 AM »


You Don't Believe All That Stuff, Do You?
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It's the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that. It's in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady.



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4777 on: Sep 29, 2018, 03:22:26 AM »


At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his series of injections, asked for a glass of water.
"What's the matter, mate?" asked the sick-bay attendant. "Not feeling well?"
"No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4778 on: Sep 30, 2018, 04:05:23 AM »


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at ho me.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4779 on: Sep 30, 2018, 03:21:05 PM »
 ;D


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4780 on: Sep 30, 2018, 03:27:43 PM »


                 BLOND WITH A CELL PHONE

A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.

The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.

It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?"

She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4781 on: Oct 02, 2018, 03:28:23 AM »


                     ;D

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4782 on: Oct 02, 2018, 03:29:21 AM »


A husband and wife were sitting around one day drinking a bottle of wine. The husband turns to his wife and says, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
After thinking about it a few minutes the wife looks at her husband and says, "Your pecker is bigger than your brothers!"



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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4783 on: Oct 03, 2018, 04:02:37 AM »


A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the guy makes his move."I`m a hooker".
The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it.

After they finish, the guy says,

"Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town".




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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4784 on: Oct 04, 2018, 04:23:31 AM »


You might be a redneck if...
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked.
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.


 


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