Comic Relief!!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

God, Moses and the Computer
 

 "Excuse me, sir."

 "Is that you again, Moses?"

 "I'm afraid it is, sir."

 "What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"

 "How did you guess?"

 "I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"

 "Oh, yeah. I forgot."

 "Tell me what you want, Moses."

 "But you already know. Remember?"

 "Moses!"

 "Sorry, sir."

 "Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"

 "Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent me."

 "You mean the commandments, Moses?"

 "That's it. I was wondering if they were important."

 "What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they are
 important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."

 "Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of
 course you would see right through that."

 "What do you mean 'you lost them'! Are you trying to tell me you didn't
 save them, Moses?"

 "No, sir. I forgot."
 
 "Well, My Son always saves, Moses."

 "Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot.
 I did send them to some people before I lost them though."

 "And did you hear back from any of them?"
 
 "You already know I did."

 "What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'.
 Can he change the words a little bit?"

 "Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."

 "And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh
 and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people
 pick one or two to try for a while?"

 "Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."
 
 "I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was
 scamming him?"

 "I think that is spamming, Moses."

 "Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff
 and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

 "And what did he say?"

 "You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he
 might have sent me one of those plagues and that's the reason I lost
 those ten things, do you?"

 "They're called viruses, Moses."

 "Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go
 back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out
 and reading them each day, but I never lost them."
 
 "We'll do it the new way, Moses."
 
 "I was afraid you would say that, sir."

 "Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
 
 "You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the
 computer."

 "It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"

 "No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all,
 who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like
 your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice
 on the ark?"

 "No, Moses."

 "One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice,
 because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
 
 "I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog
 if you want to."

 "Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman
 told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named
 one of the computers Apple?"

 "Say goodnight, Moses."

 "Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be
 working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."

 "Which ones are they, Moses?"

 "Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and
 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"

 "Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone
 tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sends her husband to a therapist who winds up treating him with self-hypnosis. To her joy, everything gets much better. However, she can't help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband dashes out to the bathroom for several minutes. This torments her until finally, one night, she follows him. There, in front of the mirror, she finds him applying this therapeutic technique, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife.”

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 41 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh S#%t !"

Only the states of
Oklahoma, Nebraska, Missouri,
Kansas, Arkansas, Alabama,
Georgia, and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:

"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."

[fishnmachine]

  

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[joe snag]

 

[Raquettedacker]

Good one Jeff..  I bet that has been said in the Adirondacks a few times...

[30-30]

Good one Jeff..  I bet that has been said in the Adirondacks a few times...

            Oh yeah, I might have said it myself, I can't remember lol Does that tell you something!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

        Would you hold my beer to jeff   

[30-30]

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
   
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
   
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. 

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
   
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
   
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
   
"I see," the captain says.
   
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
   
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[chuckrudy]

good one.

[Green Mountian Hunter]