Comic Relief!!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

There is no way I could shoot either

[joe snag]

[monk]

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.

He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the

doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was
from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

[Chucker]

[chuckrudy]

nice

[30-30]

3 Holy Men & A Bear


A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.


They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.


One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.


One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion..


Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.


'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.


Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.


So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!


The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.


 

 












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[fishnmachine]

LMAO!!!!! 

[Deposit]

LOL that's funny

[maineduckhunter]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsiayV5LuD0

[Deposit]

LOL I love that movie.

[chuckrudy]

Love it

[30-30]

Alex was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?" Alex said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."

 The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So Alex replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."

 The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box??" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."

 The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."

 The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his drivers license and registration.

 Alex said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"

 Alex laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.

 The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. Alex agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.

 The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."

 Alex looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

[chuckrudy]

like it

[Chucker]

Craigslist ad from the Heartland -




1997 Jeep Cherokee  (XJ)
220K Miles
4.0 L in-line 6
4WD
AUTOMATIC Transmission
Bright Red
Straight Stock
Crank Windows, no cruise, no tilt, no delay wiper, no nonsense
POWER MIRRORS!  Woo Hoo!

$1750

Here's the deal, kids:
This is a Jeep Cherokee.  This is not a luxury SUV, or a maintenance-free disposable import.  It has solid front axles, wind noise, and character.
It's a Jeep.  It rides like a Jeep.  It drives like a Jeep.  All of these are GOOD things.
It is not new, it is not pristine, it is used.  This will be apparent in the pictures.


If you do not own a toolbox, have never changed your own oil, and are scared of firearms: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you have been posting on facebook all about how excited you are for pumpkin latte season: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you get offended easy and often, whine to your co-workers, and bitch a lot: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you feel you are owed anything in the world & have a bullshit job where you fail to produce: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you own a bieber album, white oakleys, affliction t-shirts, or those candy-assed stitched-pocket jeans: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you consider the 2nd Amendment an anachronistic relic and have never owned a firearm: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.


If, however, you have BALLS OF STEEL and consider adverse weather an excuse to do stupid s**t: THIS IS YOUR JEEP.
Do you laugh at danger, and tempt fate? 
Have you ever uttered the words, "Hold my beer and watch this ..."?
While bored at work do you pick targets at random and think, "I could hit that from here with the .22 ..."?
Have any of your friends quit hanging out because you were too much fun?
Do you have the number of a friend with cash memorized for bail?
When you pass an abandoned flatbed farm truck along a fenceline do you consider taking on another project?
Is your ol' lady really sick of the random piles of parts, greasy footprints, and empty beer bottles in the garage?
    -could you not care less?
Do you have Jalopnik saved on your laptop AND smartphone?
Do you own a service manual for every vehicle you ever owned?
Do you still miss your first ride?
Can you carry on a two hour conversation discussing tools, scars, and hi-lift jacks?
Remember when tool companies had the balls to put half-naked beauty queens on their calendars?
Do you consider the Prius an abominable affront to the Gods of displacement, torque, and All Mighty Internal Combustion?


If you answered in the affirmative to the preceding: THIS IS YOUR JEEP.

DETAILS:
-I am the second owner.  First owner barely got it dirty and engaged the front axles once.
-I have remedied this excessive caretaking with muddy roads and a pile of fun.
-The motor uses a little oil.  How much?  I don't know, I'm not collecting statistical analysis points. 
    I check the oil, I fill the oil, I drive.  Not enough to bother me. 
-It leaks a little oil.  How much?  Not enough for me to care.  It has 220,000 miles, Poindexter!
    If you have a vehicle with 220K NOT leaking or burning oil, it's empty!
-Rear bumper has a big-ass crease in it.  I dented it backing into a concrete pole.  Sober.
    We drove away giggling, for the record.  Haven't fixed it.
-Driver's side door was caught by the wind, whipped forward, got into the LF quarter panel.
-Radiator has a small leak.  Pinhole.  I can replace the radiator or you can.  Really doesn't matter
    A new radiator and hoses will run $145.  If you don't want to replace them I will. 
    Add $250 to the price of vehicle.  This includes radiator, hoses, and labor (beer).  A freaking bargain.
-The badass little 4.0L bullet-proof in-line six starts and runs like the proverbial champ.
-Tranny and 4WD operate perfectly
-Tires will need replaced in a couple thousand miles.  I haven't upgraded because I had plans:
    Had planned a small lift, upgrade to 17" Wrangler wheels, and more aggressive tires.
    Life got in the way - it ain't happening. 
-Zombie stickers on the right rear window stay.  My daughter's idea, take it up with her.
-Flogging Molly sticker stays as well.  They kick ass, so there. 

QUESTIONS:
-Why are you selling?
    I can't justify owning it anymore.  Motorsickles, kiddos, work, travel, and beer have consumed my time and money.
    Someone else needs to appreciate the Jeep for what it is:  awesome mechanical artistry.

-What's wrong with it?
    Radiator.  Small oil leaks.  Driver's side door cosmetic issues. 
    And it's pissed it has been neglected and parked.  It needs rescued.

-Does the 4WD work?
    Hell yes.  Like a Dickensian Orphan. 

-Will you sell me the [engine / tranny / rear door / axle / etc.]?
    No.  I'm not in the salvage business.  Buy the Jeep.  Love the Jeep. Give the Jeep a home.

-Will you take [insert ridiculously stupid low number here]?
    No.  If I wanted [ridiculously low number] I would have asked [ridiculously low number]
    Want a cheap car?  Get your kid that lowered tuner piece of s**t honda project down the road. 
    I think I'm plenty cheap for this bad mofo.

-Why is it still stock?
    Because I bought it for a daily driver with the intention of turning it into a project.
    I haven't had the time to do so.  So I am selling it.

-Can I put a 6" lift and giant tires on it?
    I don't give a s**t.  But be sure to use quality components and for God's sake - get it aligned after a lift!

-Would this make a good car for my daughter?
    Hell.  Yes.  Not only a good car, a learning experience.  Introduction to vehicular maintenance.
    Additionally, there isn't really enough room in the back for that little bastard she's dating to try anything.

-Can you deliver?
    Within reason.  I'd drive it a hundred miles or so.  But really, you should come get it.  Look it over.  Have a beer.  Etc.

-Will you take a check / cashier's check / Western Union Transfer / Nigerian Promissory Note?
    Would you take a ball pein hammer to the forehead?
    No.  I'll take Cash.  Period.  Bring cash or don't show.

-Will you ship to -?
    No.  See above.

-No, really, all I have is [lowball dollar amount]?
    That's great, I don't give a s**t.  Unicef ain't running this deal, and until they do I want $1750. 
    Why?  Because I don't HAVE to sell this little beauty.  Truth be known, I'd rather keep it.
    But if it's going to a good home - I will sell.  Unless you're an asshole - then no sale.

-Why are you such a dick?
    Everything is relative; you should see my friends.

Any other questions, feel free to reply to this email and ask.

[Deposit]

That was one of the funniest GD things I have ever read!