Comic Relief!!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

haha

[30-30]

Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.

 After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."

 The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.

 "Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."

 "I know." said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

hehe

[30-30]

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

 A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

 "Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

 "But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied.

 "Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

 "I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said.

 "I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

 "I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.

 The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet."

[30-30]

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.       Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.



Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

[30-30]

 Sister Mary Katherine entered the Convent of Silence.
    The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome to stay here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.'
 
    Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak
    two words.'
 
   Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'
 
    'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'
 
    After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. You may say another two words.
    Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
 
   On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'
 
    I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.
 
   'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.
 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

Hehe

[30-30]

The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

So so true

[30-30]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[30-30]

The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
 The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
 The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'
 The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
 It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth

[30-30]

My wife came in complaining about me never lifting a finger in the house. So I did - the middle one.

[fishnmachine]

A 10-point buck, a 4-point buck, and a button buck were standing on a hillside watching over their does in a field.
The 10-pointer says, “Life is good. I’ve got 12 does to take care of, and that keeps me happy.”
The 4-pointer nods his head and replies, “Well, I’ve got 4 does, and they keep me happy.”
The button buck adds, “Well, I may be young, but I’ve got 2 does, and I’m happy with that.”
Along comes a huge 14-point buck. The 3 of them look on in amazement as he starts rubbing his giant rack on a tree.
The 10-pointer says, “You know, I could give up a few does. I could get by with maybe 4.”
The 4-pointer says, “ Yeah, I could give up a couple myself.”
The button buck runs over to a small tree and starts rubbing like crazy, grunting, kicking, stomping, and scraping, the likes of which the older bucks had never seen.
The 10 and the 4 ask him, “What in the world was that all about?”
“Well,” said the button buck, “I wanted to make sure HE knows I’m a buck!” 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

nice one

[30-30]

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

 Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

 The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."