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MyHuntingForum Main => General Hunting Discussion => Topic started by: maineduckhunter on Sep 13, 2012, 08:05:13 PM

Title: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Sep 13, 2012, 08:05:13 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Ice%20Fishing/Deer%20Hunting/426735_478694668816029_894825924_n.jpg)
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Ice%20Fishing/Deer%20Hunting/554692_10151030569591003_1894666741_n.jpg)
Title: Re: A couple good ones!! :-D
Post by: bogmanjr on Sep 13, 2012, 08:07:07 PM
 ;D ;D 8) 8)
Title: Re: A couple good ones!! :-D
Post by: Raquettedacker on Sep 13, 2012, 08:12:18 PM
Nice.. ;D
Title: Re: A couple good ones!! :-D
Post by: Raquettedacker on Sep 13, 2012, 08:16:33 PM
Heres one for ya MDH..   ;D ;D

(http://i415.photobucket.com/albums/pp237/raquettedacker/imagejpeg9521.jpg)
Title: Re: A couple good ones!! :-D
Post by: maineduckhunter on Sep 13, 2012, 08:17:52 PM
Heres one for ya MDH..   ;D ;D

(http://i415.photobucket.com/albums/pp237/raquettedacker/imagejpeg9521.jpg)
Yup seen that one!!  ;D
Title: Re: A couple good ones!! :-D
Post by: maineduckhunter on Sep 13, 2012, 08:21:48 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Ice%20Fishing/Deer%20Hunting/156604_1518775006561_1150107772_31349111_4404269_n.jpg)
Title: Re: A couple good ones!! :-D
Post by: eyehi on Sep 13, 2012, 10:09:35 PM
Lmao......never seen that one
Title: Re: A couple good ones!! :-D
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 14, 2012, 03:41:20 AM
Lmao......never seen that one
X-2 :D :D
Title: Re: A couple good ones!! :-D
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 14, 2012, 03:45:31 AM

          Me either
Title: Re: A couple good ones!! :-D
Post by: hunts2long on Sep 14, 2012, 06:37:50 AM
MDH, you made my day. That is too funny....hunts2long
Title: Re: A couple good ones!! :-D
Post by: chuckrudy on Sep 14, 2012, 07:29:17 AM
love the signs about the corn
Title: Re: A couple good ones!! :-D
Post by: Thestanimal on Sep 18, 2012, 02:47:11 AM
Those are great!  LOL
Title: Re: A couple good ones!! :-D
Post by: maineduckhunter on Sep 19, 2012, 08:57:30 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/483074_307258212714880_1522787631_n_zps124d4d9a.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Sep 19, 2012, 09:06:52 AM
Good one MDH.... ;D
Title: Re: A couple good ones!! :-D
Post by: loonyone on Sep 19, 2012, 09:07:11 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/483074_307258212714880_1522787631_n_zps124d4d9a.jpg)

that is my husband but same results....lol
Title: Re: A couple good ones!! :-D
Post by: Chucker on Sep 19, 2012, 12:01:37 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/483074_307258212714880_1522787631_n_zps124d4d9a.jpg)

I've been know to resemble the guy in the chair....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Sep 19, 2012, 03:35:33 PM
Thats all of us..
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Deposit on Sep 19, 2012, 04:00:12 PM
yep ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Sep 26, 2012, 08:11:19 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Ice%20Fishing/Deer%20Hunting/485758_436148583117886_2026510738_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Sep 26, 2012, 08:16:54 AM
LOL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Sep 26, 2012, 08:17:38 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Ice%20Fishing/Deer%20Hunting/485758_436148583117886_2026510738_n.jpg)

hysterical.......i hate when that happens
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Sep 26, 2012, 08:17:41 AM
LOL! Now that one is good!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Oct 01, 2012, 09:03:57 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Ice%20Fishing/Deer%20Hunting/397198_10151220291594497_194114268_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 01, 2012, 09:08:55 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Oct 01, 2012, 09:20:29 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Ice%20Fishing/Deer%20Hunting/525818_268256723271797_916995570_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 01, 2012, 09:29:12 AM
Oh....     Thats a good one....... ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Oct 01, 2012, 09:39:41 AM
Funny MDH. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Oct 01, 2012, 06:44:55 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Ice%20Fishing/Deer%20Hunting/525818_268256723271797_916995570_n.jpg)

Those are the brand new signs for the NY youth season 


<ducks and runs>
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 02, 2012, 07:28:39 AM
that is a good one too.....some of these are from bookface
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 02, 2012, 07:35:16 AM
(http://i894.photobucket.com/albums/ac142/huntin4christ/Hunting/image0011.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 02, 2012, 07:36:37 AM
(http://i1222.photobucket.com/albums/dd491/paulzbor82/Hunting%202010/Hunting.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 02, 2012, 07:39:08 AM
that pretty good too.....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Oct 02, 2012, 07:48:40 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Squirrel on Oct 02, 2012, 08:28:13 AM
haha good stuff
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Oct 02, 2012, 11:09:03 AM
Mighty Hunter.... ;D
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/299485_10151239292287324_436746636_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Oct 02, 2012, 11:09:19 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/189283_289090497873462_108235021_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 02, 2012, 11:11:17 AM
thats a good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: huntny30 on Oct 02, 2012, 11:35:53 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Ice%20Fishing/Deer%20Hunting/397198_10151220291594497_194114268_n.jpg)

I so copied this one!!!! LOL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Oct 02, 2012, 11:39:40 AM
I so copied this one!!!! LOL
HA Nice....you can copy any of mine!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 02, 2012, 11:45:32 AM
Mighty Hunter.... ;D
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/299485_10151239292287324_436746636_n.jpg)

this it awesome/......missed it earlier....lmao
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Squirrel on Oct 02, 2012, 11:46:50 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/189283_289090497873462_108235021_n.jpg)

this is funny stuff
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 02, 2012, 02:01:38 PM
That cat rug is great....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: walleymaster96 on Oct 02, 2012, 02:26:04 PM
(http://i1191.photobucket.com/albums/z466/walleyemaster96/remake.jpg) haha
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 02, 2012, 02:40:45 PM
 :o :o :o :o :o

(http://i410.photobucket.com/albums/pp190/FindStuff2/Funny/Funny%20Signs/soccer_archery.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 02, 2012, 02:56:08 PM
(http://i257.photobucket.com/albums/hh239/amyiyq/tothehunters.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Squirrel on Oct 03, 2012, 07:05:49 AM
hahaha ^^^^
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 03, 2012, 07:13:36 AM
(http://i257.photobucket.com/albums/hh239/amyiyq/tothehunters.jpg)
pita my a$$  more like dumb a$$
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 03, 2012, 04:01:42 PM
(http://i174.photobucket.com/albums/w94/Get_Organized/Funny%20pix%20and%20signs%20off%20the%20web/duck-hunt.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 03, 2012, 04:28:24 PM

              Good 1 loony, & I know people that think that way! ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 03, 2012, 04:48:36 PM
              Good 1 loony, & I know people that think that way! ::)

stupid is just that stupid......I can not help it that there are stupids out there...........sigh.....maybe we should have a stupid peoples hunt
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Oct 03, 2012, 06:16:56 PM
I have the best one ever for this thread but it is a guaranteed ban from the site so PM me if you are interested  ;D 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Oct 03, 2012, 06:21:43 PM
Inbox full Dom!   ;D  Good one!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 03, 2012, 06:23:10 PM
Inbox full Dom!   ;D  Good one!



     Again?   I will clean some out...
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: bigb2004 on Oct 03, 2012, 06:24:37 PM
I have the best one ever for this thread but it is a guaranteed ban from the site so PM me if you are interested  ;D 8)
Now you know we all are going to want to see it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Oct 03, 2012, 06:28:38 PM
PM sent to both of you 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 03, 2012, 06:35:02 PM
Nice..... 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 03, 2012, 07:08:42 PM
yep that one is band alright
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Squirrel on Oct 04, 2012, 07:49:09 AM
send it over frank!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Oct 04, 2012, 07:58:20 AM
I have the best one ever for this thread but it is a guaranteed ban from the site so PM me if you are interested  ;D 8)
Are you stealing my material? ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hickgtx600f4 on Oct 04, 2012, 08:07:34 AM
some good stuff here.

send it over frank!

X2 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Oct 04, 2012, 04:51:31 PM
Are you stealing my material? ;D ;D

LOL, no it was not that one, I feel blessed you sent me that though, Perfect 10 son!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Oct 04, 2012, 04:54:30 PM
PM'S sent 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 04, 2012, 04:58:49 PM
Very nice loony ; Wat to many people out there that don't know what is what
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Squirrel on Oct 05, 2012, 06:40:46 AM
haha that was a good one franky
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hickgtx600f4 on Oct 05, 2012, 06:42:19 AM
the wife and i almost spit our food out on that one.  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 05, 2012, 06:43:35 AM
Very nice loony ; Wat to many people out there that don't know what is what

What did I do?  What did I do?  I agree but what did I do? ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Oct 05, 2012, 11:18:45 AM
I have the best one ever for this thread but it is a guaranteed ban from the site so PM me if you are interested  ;D 8)

PM sent AA.

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Oct 05, 2012, 02:09:22 PM
Incoming Luke …
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Oct 05, 2012, 02:19:05 PM
Perfect 10 son!
Cant deny that. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Oct 05, 2012, 03:04:43 PM
haahhahahaa awesome one AA.

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Oct 06, 2012, 06:38:59 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Ice%20Fishing/Deer%20Hunting/425929_10151147466334545_1273826784_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Oct 08, 2012, 07:11:39 PM
LOL, anytime
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: NYSporty on Oct 08, 2012, 07:14:08 PM
I'll take that PM Capt.AA
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Oct 08, 2012, 07:23:14 PM
imcoming Jess 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: NYSporty on Oct 08, 2012, 07:28:19 PM
An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows.
"Now hold on just a minute wait for me to get my hat!!"
 

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Oct 08, 2012, 07:30:19 PM
HAHAHA Awesome!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mookie on Oct 08, 2012, 07:35:07 PM



   LMAO  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Blank Willow ...... Robin ...... Only 1 thing on my mind Howard _________  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: huntny30 on Oct 08, 2012, 07:39:50 PM
That was good...
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: NYSporty on Oct 08, 2012, 08:02:16 PM
Ya I got censored on mff for that one but i figured id see how long till that happens here lol girl part willows just don't have the same punch.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Oct 08, 2012, 08:03:35 PM
LOL!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mookie on Oct 08, 2012, 08:04:46 PM



    Where is you know who at  ::) ::) ::) ::) Only one person corney enough to get offended by that  ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Oct 08, 2012, 08:07:29 PM
I would venture to guess somewhere in the Adirondacks ::) :P ;D 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: upstatehunter on Oct 08, 2012, 08:15:36 PM
Southern.....there is a difference....foothills they are called..... 8) 8) 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Oct 08, 2012, 08:19:30 PM
OH................ ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 09, 2012, 07:13:56 AM
lol that was funny...like that one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 09, 2012, 07:48:59 AM
Oh... ::) ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Oct 09, 2012, 11:44:11 AM
 ;D 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 09, 2012, 12:13:19 PM
Southern.....there is a difference....foothills they are called..... 8) 8) 8)




      I live in the foothills... 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Oct 09, 2012, 07:49:16 PM
So do I. They are BIG foothills....hunts2long
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 10, 2012, 03:59:48 AM
Not me Like looking down on every thing from these mountians ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Oct 12, 2012, 12:15:51 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/183461_10151261405945797_256275768_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Oct 12, 2012, 12:17:20 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/10512_10151085829866658_186600921_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Oct 12, 2012, 12:19:36 PM
haha nice MDH.

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 12, 2012, 04:43:03 PM
Hehehe that is good MDH  ;) ;) ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Fat Boy on Oct 12, 2012, 04:52:24 PM
Those are all funny...keep 'em coming.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Oct 15, 2012, 12:23:13 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/229572_10151112077678105_1144993550_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Oct 15, 2012, 05:02:24 PM
Don't tell Harrie - I see spots on that one!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Oct 16, 2012, 12:08:06 PM
Couple people saw this one already.

(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/424689_399340230135895_485938673_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 16, 2012, 12:16:13 PM
lol I wouldnt steel that one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: adkRoy on Oct 16, 2012, 01:00:21 PM
Sent to me by a friend.


A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: NYSporty on Oct 16, 2012, 01:19:00 PM
There was a bunch of guys out at there hunting camp playing cards and drinking one guy Bob really over did it and was plowed.
The next morning Bob wouldn't budge from his bunk so they all left him to sleep it off and took to there stands.
 At lunch time the guys are all heading back to the cabin and find that Bob has fallen asleep while going to the bathroom in the woods.
One of the men runs back to where they gutted a deer and took the gut pile and placed it under Bob's bare butt and they continue on to the cabin.
A while later the guys are all at the table eating when Bob bursts through the door yelling "You guys are never going to believe what happened to me!"
"I went out to go to the bathroom and fell asleep when I woke up I had pooped all my guts out but with the grace of god and these 2 fingers I got them all back in."  :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Oct 16, 2012, 01:31:59 PM
hahahahaha gross.

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 16, 2012, 01:35:55 PM
another hahahaha and gross..............lmao
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Oct 20, 2012, 09:32:30 PM
Took a picture of this Monsta' today!!!  :P
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/545399_505929006091386_1602894987_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Oct 21, 2012, 06:28:21 AM
Be careful - the bulls get aggressive this time of year!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Oct 21, 2012, 06:40:12 AM
That's right! And they will bury your nuts! You know like acorns and stuff ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Oct 21, 2012, 07:03:02 AM
Took a picture of this Monsta' today!!!  :P
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/545399_505929006091386_1602894987_n.jpg)
He needs another year. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 21, 2012, 03:54:16 PM
He needs another year. ;D

oh I love this ......squirmoosels
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 21, 2012, 11:48:01 PM

                    My brother sent this pic to me, he wanted to know what this sign meant!
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/gunfire-jpg_231535.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Oct 22, 2012, 12:23:47 AM
                    My brother sent this pic to me, he wanted to know what this sign meant!
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/gunfire-jpg_231535.jpg)
Hehe Must not know what gunfire is all about.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Oct 22, 2012, 12:27:30 AM
oh I love this ......squirmoosels
I aim to please. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 22, 2012, 03:51:58 AM
oh I love this ......squirmoosels
He is kinda cute ; But I'd mount him on the wall ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 22, 2012, 05:22:22 PM
Hehe Must not know what gunfire is all about.
                Dave, he was a banker, he never hunted. ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 22, 2012, 06:14:31 PM
I need to meet him a banker OH yes I do  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 22, 2012, 06:36:15 PM
He is kinda cute ; But I'd mount him on the wall ;D ;D ;D ;D

me too....love to have that on my wall.....
but could my wall hold him up?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: NYSporty on Oct 23, 2012, 02:20:48 PM
(http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e98/jallyn968/bikerdeer.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Oct 23, 2012, 02:44:50 PM
hahahhah that is awesome NYSporty...

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: bigb2004 on Oct 23, 2012, 02:54:03 PM
(http://i1133.photobucket.com/albums/m598/bigb2004/_facebook_-1334130194.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 23, 2012, 03:53:29 PM
 :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o lol wasnt expecting that.. ;D ;D ;D...lol lol lol  :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o  even the squirrel is laughing
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Oct 23, 2012, 04:00:17 PM
HAHA, both those are PIMP! 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: eyehi on Oct 23, 2012, 10:01:35 PM
:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o lol wasnt expecting that.. ;D ;D ;D...lol lol lol  :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o  even the squirrel is laughing
Lmao.....wasnt expecting that either....both those are good  :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 24, 2012, 04:41:53 AM

             I agree w/everyone both are great. But I have to give props to the guy on the bike, that would be pretty hard to do. 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Oct 24, 2012, 05:48:34 AM
             I agree w/everyone both are great. But I have to give props to the guy on the bike, that would be pretty hard to do. 8)

I saw a kid down in Chenango County once pulling a deer behind a mountain bike on a sledge made of two small trees - pretty clever.  Had a decent deer on it too, so he was having a pretty Happy Thanksgiving that day.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: bigb2004 on Oct 24, 2012, 01:02:53 PM
(http://i1133.photobucket.com/albums/m598/bigb2004/_facebook_-643650921.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 24, 2012, 06:52:38 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 24, 2012, 07:53:41 PM
guess I better run and hide.......loony out of here
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Oct 26, 2012, 06:07:34 AM
And you think you're having a bad day.....


(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mp-4nQzKJAk/UIIl0Rd_SII/AAAAAAAAE1o/dW_cj4PZQCc/s1600/blog_deer_hung.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 26, 2012, 06:13:00 AM
OH......... :o :o :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: upstatehunter on Oct 26, 2012, 06:16:07 AM
Wonder if that was preceded with the age old statement.....here....hold my beer... 8) 8) 8) 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 26, 2012, 06:40:32 AM
And you think you're having a bad day.....


(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mp-4nQzKJAk/UIIl0Rd_SII/AAAAAAAAE1o/dW_cj4PZQCc/s1600/blog_deer_hung.jpg)
               OH, that hurts :(
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Oct 26, 2012, 06:46:29 AM
Is that the view from mdh's tree stand? ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 26, 2012, 06:48:23 AM
I dont have any of them thingees however I have fantom OOOOOOWWWWEEEEEE's
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Oct 26, 2012, 07:16:34 AM
oh wow..............ouch. haha

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Oct 26, 2012, 07:57:13 AM
Is that the view from mdh's tree stand? ;D
At least it didn't get away!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Oct 26, 2012, 09:55:42 PM
Oh, poor bastudh!!! Kill him now!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 27, 2012, 04:26:17 AM

               

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/557837_429859647072143_1842418615_n_zpsc00a7ed6.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 27, 2012, 08:01:12 AM
like that one 30 30 that would be mee in a tree lol lol....to afraid to  look up or down lol lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 27, 2012, 06:05:50 PM
like that one 30 30 that would be mee in a tree lol lol....to afraid to  look up or down lol lol

             Here's another 1 for ya loony!
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/577246_429538650437576_1607503854_n_zps86ffdfaa.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Oct 27, 2012, 06:27:55 PM
LOL!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 27, 2012, 07:28:35 PM

              Got another 1!
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/66256_429582657099842_1042224257_n_zpsf43eadb4.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Oct 27, 2012, 07:31:16 PM
Good ones 30-30. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 27, 2012, 07:37:04 PM
Good ones 30-30. ;D ;D
               Does the last 1 remind you of some of the dates you've been on recently! hehehehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 27, 2012, 07:38:52 PM
Good ones Jeff..
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Oct 27, 2012, 07:40:14 PM
               Does the last 1 remind you of some of the dates you've been on recently! hehehehehe
No that one would be way better. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Oct 27, 2012, 07:48:48 PM
Merry XXXmas!!!

(http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/230855_10151191504278686_1544600976_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Oct 27, 2012, 08:29:15 PM
              Got another 1!
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/66256_429582657099842_1042224257_n_zpsf43eadb4.jpg)
GREAT ONE!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Oct 27, 2012, 08:29:40 PM
Merry XXXmas!!!

(http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/230855_10151191504278686_1544600976_n.jpg)

WOW!!!  :o ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 29, 2012, 04:35:44 PM

          A sign in my fast food restaurant! ::)

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/409188_431200186938089_1688281511_n_zps1d651706.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 29, 2012, 05:27:13 PM
              Got another 1!
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/66256_429582657099842_1042224257_n_zpsf43eadb4.jpg)


You been on a few have you hehehe Got a gin mill in the area that is nice :) :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 29, 2012, 05:41:44 PM
You been on a few have you hehehe Got a gin mill in the area that is nice :) :) :)

I havea gin mill right around the corner from me
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 29, 2012, 05:47:00 PM
I havea gin mill right around the corner from me
[/quote  IDon't get to one to often got a 10 mile drive
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 29, 2012, 05:49:10 PM
I havea gin mill right around the corner from me
[/quote  IDon't get to one to often got a 10 mile drive

I got to one tonight for a few
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 30, 2012, 05:40:18 AM
               Hey Dom this could be your truck! ;D
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/374090_431854550205986_535907299_n_zpsd3d75659.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: upstatehunter on Oct 30, 2012, 05:41:25 AM
That's a bad bass machine!!! 8) 8) 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 30, 2012, 05:43:34 AM
I want one..... ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 30, 2012, 05:43:53 AM
           Good morning Scott, I hope you had an uneventful night!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 30, 2012, 05:45:18 AM
I want one..... ;D ;D
                Start saving you pennies! :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 30, 2012, 07:02:30 AM
that is a basss asss vehicle........nice wrap
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 30, 2012, 07:07:37 AM
I want one..... ;D ;D


You would look good sitting behind the wheel  ;) ;)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 30, 2012, 07:28:26 AM
new breed of fish in the tank....new ginnie fishies
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 30, 2012, 01:47:40 PM
new breed of fish in the tank....new ginnie fishies


That sure would be a good big one to catch  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 30, 2012, 01:56:59 PM
That sure would be a good big one to catch  ;D ;D
[/quote

yeah raquette -== ginniefish instead of pigs
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Oct 30, 2012, 02:37:50 PM
I want one..... ;D ;D
Trade in Mindy's BMW for one. ;) ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 30, 2012, 03:06:45 PM
Trade in Mindy's BMW for one. ;) ;D ;D


    That would go over like a fart in church.............................................Besides Tyler thinks hes getting the Bmer next year. 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 30, 2012, 03:29:30 PM

    That would go over like a fart in church

Confusious say..........he who fart in church.....................sit in his own pew..................
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Oct 30, 2012, 05:32:01 PM
(http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/561951_530652456948220_1942109160_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 30, 2012, 05:37:27 PM
Pretty sure this might have been posted at one time or another..

 
    (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nh6j6M_EEe8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Oct 30, 2012, 05:46:40 PM
(http://th00.deviantart.net/fs51/200H/i/2009/271/9/9/Funny_Sign_by_dazhuko.jpg)

(http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d168/lauriainna/Funny%20signs/FunnySign2-2006.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mookie on Oct 30, 2012, 05:51:26 PM
Pretty sure this might have been posted at one time or another..

 
    (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nh6j6M_EEe8)
Once you go buck LMAO
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: bucksnort on Oct 31, 2012, 08:49:34 PM
just got this in an email :

        DEER CAMP
         
        Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
         
        Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

        Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

        "Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

        "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

        She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

        And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

        So, Here I am.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: eyehi on Oct 31, 2012, 09:52:24 PM
Thats great bucksnort......im gonna print that one  8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 01, 2012, 04:47:41 AM

              Good 1 Logan. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: upstatehunter on Nov 01, 2012, 05:05:45 AM
Can relate to that one.... 8) 8) 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Nov 01, 2012, 05:13:09 AM
Can relate to that one.... 8) 8) 8)

So, you are into the cuffs and ropes.....hunts2long
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: peddler on Nov 01, 2012, 05:16:52 AM
Can relate to that one.... 8) 8) 8)

Scott, I never woulda thunk it !!!!

Peddler  :o :o :o :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: upstatehunter on Nov 01, 2012, 05:41:54 AM
LOL....yeah there is a dark side.....but probably would choose the deer camp.... :o :o :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: peddler on Nov 01, 2012, 05:53:38 AM
LOL....yeah there is a dark side.....but probably would choose the deer camp.... :o :o :o

At my age me too !!!!!

Peddler  8) 8) 8) 8) 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: bucksnort on Nov 01, 2012, 06:47:53 AM
LOL....yeah there is a dark side.....but probably would choose the deer camp.... :o :o :o
i like a good time just as much as the next guy.........but....... i woulda chose deer camp too......
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 01, 2012, 09:02:42 AM
(http://i1238.photobucket.com/albums/ff482/Doreen_Kirley/Screenshot2012-11-01at100151AM.png)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 01, 2012, 09:04:04 AM
(http://i1238.photobucket.com/albums/ff482/Doreen_Kirley/Screenshot2012-11-01at100312AM.png)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Nov 01, 2012, 09:06:32 AM
 ::)  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Nov 01, 2012, 09:23:53 AM
Oh.....   ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 01, 2012, 09:26:22 AM
(http://i1238.photobucket.com/albums/ff482/Doreen_Kirley/Screenshot2012-11-01at100151AM.png)

check this one too
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Nov 01, 2012, 12:00:21 PM
(http://i1238.photobucket.com/albums/ff482/Doreen_Kirley/Screenshot2012-11-01at100151AM.png)

I couldn't help hearing Julia Child's voice when I read that one  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 01, 2012, 12:32:57 PM
I couldn't help hearing Julia Child's voice when I read that one  ;D ;D

Oh god i so agree however now i wont stope hearing her
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 01, 2012, 04:24:25 PM

           lol loony, you got some good 1's today! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Nov 01, 2012, 05:52:09 PM
           lol loony, you got some good 1's today! ;D
X2. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Nov 01, 2012, 06:29:54 PM
Yep shes on fire... ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: NYSporty on Nov 03, 2012, 02:55:04 PM
&feature=related

This guy likes his fish.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: bucksnort on Nov 03, 2012, 04:44:33 PM
&feature=related

This guy likes his fish.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f94WI-0chv4&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f94WI-0chv4&feature=related)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: bucksnort on Nov 03, 2012, 04:46:38 PM
just almost had beer comin out my nose,thats awesome
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 03, 2012, 06:23:22 PM

              That's funny sporty! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 04, 2012, 05:50:31 AM


(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/576308_431571930234248_284879128_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Nov 04, 2012, 05:58:41 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: upstatehunter on Nov 04, 2012, 06:08:16 AM
Good stuff guys and gal!!! Good to start the day with a laugh.....keeps some of the tears away.... :P :P :P
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 05, 2012, 07:09:09 AM

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/576308_431571930234248_284879128_n.jpg)

awesome...love it
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Cornbread on Nov 05, 2012, 11:30:54 AM
This one has been around a while but it is still funny :)

How to rope a deer:

I  had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet a way), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.

They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education in deer.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing up out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.

Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

Thats how you rope a deer.....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Cornbread on Nov 05, 2012, 11:42:35 AM
Another older one but a good one :)

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little bad-arse long bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40-horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough SOB.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place.

Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so there really wasn't any fire danger. I'll put it this way- a set of post hole diggers and a 3 ft. hole and you had yourself a well.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner...

Let's face it to a 10 yr. old mouth-breather like myself ether really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of dads muzzle loader Pyrodex . At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie... 1 lb Pyrodex and 16 oz. ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker, you know? You know what? Heck with that. I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of Pyrodex and dumped it too.

Now we're cookin'. I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and let fly. As I released I heard a swish as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH CHIT!, he just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a '***' look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of Pyrodex and into the can............ HOLY CRAPPOLAH!

When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 friggin' decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you, there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 foot above the ground as far as I could see.

It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE FREAKIN' DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.

There was a big sweet-gum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That mother got up and ran off. So here I am, on the ground, blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-shirt shredded... My dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE GOLL DAMIT CEASE FIRE!!!!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185s 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know- I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. Then I felt another sharp pain, blacked out, woke later...... repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR so dad could beat me some more.

Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again?!!...... Gee thanks, Mom

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been griping about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Dad sold his muzzle-loaders a week or so later. And I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the beating....... Or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. Its good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Nov 05, 2012, 11:53:15 AM
Good ones Cornbread. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Cornbread on Nov 05, 2012, 12:10:35 PM
and people wonder why I am always single :)
(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/541231_3474401352451_1149532326_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Cornbread on Nov 05, 2012, 12:25:06 PM
A few of the funny images I have kept over the years:


(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/awkward-moment.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/cured.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/s583421674_2841201_6630990.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/s583421674_2841222_3546853.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/s583421674_2841243_7639278.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/15152_237768691674_583421674_4762659_2147610_s.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/18555_308698756674_583421674_5131467_4971310_s.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/22155_336012796674_583421674_5238993_2860142_s.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/24539_419011011674_583421674_5712036_3831842_s.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/24539_419011046674_583421674_5712042_1803515_s.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/39870_457177956674_583421674_6721910_6072739_s.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/163849_10150131173476675_583421674_8327845_1942865_s.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/226071_10150328312296675_583421674_9931450_2311312_s.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/227489_10150260439861675_583421674_9289547_7859224_s.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/294632_10150371699916675_583421674_10363039_1077710267_s.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/308357_10150371699861675_583421674_10363037_993965518_s.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/320592_10150354128491675_583421674_10213619_2641003_s.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/s583421674_2854320_2431106.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Nov 05, 2012, 05:00:35 PM
LOL! Those are great! Love the Chris Farley one! He was the man!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Nov 05, 2012, 06:48:35 PM
OMG!......LMAO.......because there's a bear in the way!!!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 05, 2012, 07:44:13 PM
too funny and some are old some are from facebook but most are just funny
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 06, 2012, 05:38:58 AM
And you think you're having a bad day.....


(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mp-4nQzKJAk/UIIl0Rd_SII/AAAAAAAAE1o/dW_cj4PZQCc/s1600/blog_deer_hung.jpg)
Remember this 1, well here is the other side of the story!
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/Funnydeerpictures2.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: huntny30 on Nov 06, 2012, 05:52:47 AM
Those are good...
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Nov 06, 2012, 07:11:33 AM
Those are awesome...

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 06, 2012, 05:38:59 PM

          I've got a couple more!
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/misconstrued_beaver_hat.jpg)
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/239042692691701850_46JoE1R3_c.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 07, 2012, 06:31:59 AM
lol i love both of these 30 30.......thanks lmao
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Nov 07, 2012, 07:21:42 AM
I like the bar one.... ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Nov 07, 2012, 07:29:29 AM
haha good ones 30-30.

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: NYSporty on Nov 07, 2012, 01:47:30 PM
(http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e98/jallyn968/Mobile%20Uploads/599191_515807521776622_1794572222_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Otto on Nov 07, 2012, 03:12:56 PM
A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"

Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.

"There are no fish under the ice!!"

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?"

The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Nov 07, 2012, 03:28:56 PM
Good one. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Nov 07, 2012, 03:31:07 PM
Oldie but always a goodie Otto.... ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 07, 2012, 06:46:13 PM

          A connoisseur of beer. ::)
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/00759-funny-cartoons-deer.gif)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: eyehi on Nov 07, 2012, 07:41:36 PM
          A connoisseur of beer. ::)
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/00759-funny-cartoons-deer.gif)
Now i understand my problem.....save the budweiser for the celebration  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 08, 2012, 04:04:49 AM

         There's another 1 that is simular that was posted earlier!
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/cartoon.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: huntny30 on Nov 08, 2012, 06:24:43 AM
Ok this made me laugh this morning so I am sharing... ;D ;D

(http://i588.photobucket.com/albums/ss324/huntny30/305514_448259945210459_2139093074_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Nov 08, 2012, 07:24:49 AM
Ok this made me laugh this morning so I am sharing... ;D ;D

(http://i588.photobucket.com/albums/ss324/huntny30/305514_448259945210459_2139093074_n.jpg)

hahaha yeah that one is awesome.

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Nov 08, 2012, 08:11:46 AM
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Nov 08, 2012, 08:16:30 AM
 What is the defination of a non-typical Whitetail?
  One that stays off the Highway!      ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 08, 2012, 08:36:39 AM
RAQUETTE.....these are blondie jokes.....i swore you had dark brown hair
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Nov 08, 2012, 08:36:52 AM
Found this on a site -

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I’ll be across the field." A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. "What’s wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn’t move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
 
I didn’t cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn’t cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, ’Should we eat them here or take them with us?’ Well, I guess I just panicked."

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 08, 2012, 08:45:07 AM
funny lewkie
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 09, 2012, 03:25:00 PM
          I almost felt this way today, everytime I looked up on a ridge or just a knoll I saw a deer. I couldn't tell if they were Bucks or Does, they took off too fast! >:(
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/untitled.png)
     
          I never thought of looking in the trees! ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 09, 2012, 06:05:03 PM
thats funny.....gonna happen to me for sure
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Nov 10, 2012, 04:10:16 AM
thats funny.....gonna happen to me for sure

Now you're going to have to get up in a tree to find them!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 12, 2012, 07:34:50 AM
Now you're going to have to get up in a tree to find them!

yes I will but at least it will be them in the trees and not me.....lol ....saturdays finally getting here to try it out....I will remember to look up instead of out and about.........lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Nov 13, 2012, 10:18:30 AM
 ;) ;D
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_OzXJuNyMIKE/SkgpQV8rkjI/AAAAAAAAA5A/LhmAomuZGWk/s400/BL_HORIZONTAL_beardly1_woman_sm.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Nov 14, 2012, 09:03:06 AM
Two holiday ones for you.....


A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "like heck they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."



I’ve had requests for my Tequila Christmas Cake recipe so I thought I'd share it here. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!)

1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 14, 2012, 09:05:06 AM
I have seen both of these.....these are just funny....lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Nov 15, 2012, 06:34:26 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/542752_463399720365016_529519994_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 15, 2012, 06:39:00 PM
that one is awesome
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: eyehi on Nov 15, 2012, 07:16:09 PM
that one is awesome
x2 awesome
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Nov 15, 2012, 07:42:30 PM
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 15, 2012, 08:20:31 PM
OMG.....thats a good one too......lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Nov 15, 2012, 08:26:03 PM
Not hunting but funny... ;D

Two guys from Daniels County are quietly sitting in a fishing boat sucking down beer when suddenly Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."    ;D ;D ;D ;D



    Two old fishermen were sitting on a bridge catching a few crappies when a hearse went by.  The first man put down his rod and removed his hat. After the hearse was gone his friend said "Bill that was real nice showing respect for the dead like that". To which Bill replied "It was the least I could do, we would have been married 40 years next month"


   World's Shortest Fairy Tale...... ;D ;D ;D ;D

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing a lot and hunting a lot and played golf a lot and drank beer and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Nov 15, 2012, 09:31:02 PM
Good ones! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Nov 16, 2012, 05:34:28 AM
 :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o

(http://i415.photobucket.com/albums/pp237/raquettedacker/PETAad1.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: upstatehunter on Nov 16, 2012, 06:02:30 AM
Thought you were posting an ad for some Asian restaurant thanksgiving dinner..... :o :o :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 16, 2012, 06:45:09 AM
that sounds like a chinese din din.......whats for dinner.....................chin din din
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: OTIS on Nov 16, 2012, 06:58:59 AM
Thought you were posting an ad for some Asian restaurant thanksgiving dinner..... :o :o :o

 ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=miBKPwVtxFU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=miBKPwVtxFU)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Nov 16, 2012, 07:11:58 AM
;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=miBKPwVtxFU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=miBKPwVtxFU)

That was the first thing I thought of, too  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Nov 16, 2012, 09:22:40 AM
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/428236_2766210563585_1724059580_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 16, 2012, 09:23:18 AM
I love that one CaptJJ.....one of my favorites
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Otto on Nov 16, 2012, 09:31:58 AM
I love the moose one!  Brace yourself!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Nov 16, 2012, 09:44:02 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/408097_461624217209233_1462087910_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Nov 16, 2012, 09:49:48 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/47425_10151115551666658_1517338896_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Nov 16, 2012, 09:53:46 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/378279_10151033846616658_1818500079_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Nov 16, 2012, 09:57:25 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/391272_10150982004536658_380451495_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Nov 16, 2012, 10:09:20 AM
haha some more good ones here...

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 16, 2012, 10:18:26 AM
(http://i1238.photobucket.com/albums/ff482/Doreen_Kirley/Screenshot2012-11-16at111119AM.png)

(http://i1238.photobucket.com/albums/ff482/Doreen_Kirley/Screenshot2012-11-16at110930AM.png)

(http://i1238.photobucket.com/albums/ff482/Doreen_Kirley/Screenshot2012-11-16at111008AM.png)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Nov 16, 2012, 10:19:27 AM
hahahhaha nice loony.

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 16, 2012, 11:51:22 AM

              Very good loony! :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 16, 2012, 06:05:15 PM
             i know this isn't you loony, you won't get up in a tree stand!

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/bgh-rm-151.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 16, 2012, 06:44:10 PM
             i know this isn't you loony, you won't get up in a tree stand!

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/bgh-rm-151.jpg)

lol I practiced in the state land so I can climb about 8 feet without freaking out.......so it is now me...........however no higher than 8....I was gonna surprise everyone with a picture of me in the tree but dont think I can take a pic of myself and climb.....so yep I climb a tiny bit but no more for this year,,,,,,found a nice spot down in tiaoghanau (spell) down near erieville............hope i get there before everyone else does
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 16, 2012, 08:00:24 PM

           Good luck down there loony! :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 16, 2012, 08:04:55 PM
           Good luck down there loony! :D

thanks and good luck up there 3030
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 17, 2012, 05:27:31 AM
                         Not really funny, just thought you all would enjoy! ;D

               
           http://lovedbdb.com/nudemenClock/index2.html  (http://lovedbdb.com/nudemenClock/index2.html)

             When the clock starts running click on it & it will change to a digital clock
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 18, 2012, 04:21:52 AM


(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/8620_hunting_cartoon_JAC.gif)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 19, 2012, 08:35:23 AM
Happy Thanksgiving everyone ;lol

(http://i1238.photobucket.com/albums/ff482/Doreen_Kirley/Screenshot2012-11-16at22701PM.png)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 19, 2012, 08:37:15 AM
                         Not really funny, just thought you all would enjoy! ;D

               
           http://lovedbdb.com/nudemenClock/index2.html  (http://lovedbdb.com/nudemenClock/index2.html)

             When the clock starts running click on it & it will change to a digital clock

OMG you are too funny......click on the d......and it goes digital.lmao
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 20, 2012, 08:25:09 PM

           Its getting close to Thanksgiving, I thought I'd start it off!
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/Thanksgiving-CARTOON.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 20, 2012, 08:42:56 PM
thats a good one 30 30.....i am so glad I am human
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: eyehi on Nov 20, 2012, 09:21:21 PM
Nice one 30-30....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 22, 2012, 04:45:19 AM

                 Check this out!

                           
[ Invalid YouTube link ]
 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Q3scnR5GKGk)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 22, 2012, 04:21:25 PM
I can see me participating in that...........lol too funny
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 23, 2012, 03:50:47 PM

       This happened to me once, but it was a doe staring @ me! ::)
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/priorities.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mookie on Nov 23, 2012, 04:10:54 PM
       This happened to me once, but it was a doe staring @ me! ::)
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/priorities.jpg)
That remind's me of my 1st deer .... Only Dad's pants were dropped and I shot LMAO .....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 24, 2012, 04:29:19 PM

           This could have been me the other day, when it was warm!
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/hunter-falls-asleep.png)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: The 3Ps on Nov 24, 2012, 05:38:27 PM
(http://i1212.photobucket.com/albums/cc459/The3Ps/merrychristmas.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 dan on Nov 25, 2012, 05:27:36 PM
And you think you're having a bad day.....


(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mp-4nQzKJAk/UIIl0Rd_SII/AAAAAAAAE1o/dW_cj4PZQCc/s1600/blog_deer_hung.jpg)





ouch.....bet that hurt
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 25, 2012, 07:00:58 PM
       This happened to me once, but it was a doe staring @ me! ::)
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/priorities.jpg)

looks just fine to me...................... ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 25, 2012, 07:45:36 PM
looks just fine to me...................... ;D ;D ;D
It would! ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: bigb2004 on Nov 25, 2012, 07:55:51 PM
Naughty trees (http://i1133.photobucket.com/albums/m598/bigb2004/_facebook_2048924834.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 26, 2012, 07:26:03 AM
Naughty trees (http://i1133.photobucket.com/albums/m598/bigb2004/_facebook_2048924834.jpg)
I have seen versions of these but the second one just looks mighty dopy to me......almost happy.....lol naughty trees......not like they dont get that in the winds but this is just to much
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 dan on Nov 26, 2012, 11:15:45 AM
sorry Raquette but this is the worlds shortest fairy tale

Once apon a time, a man named Bryan went hunting and shot a deer.
the end.....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Nov 28, 2012, 07:57:08 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzG3Q3zsqgA (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzG3Q3zsqgA)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Nov 28, 2012, 09:52:20 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzG3Q3zsqgA (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzG3Q3zsqgA)
HA HA that is Great!! I'd probably scream like a little girl too!!  :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Nov 28, 2012, 09:58:33 AM
We were thinking it was risky and that someone could easily have kicked her.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 28, 2012, 11:07:09 AM
OMG that is way to funny....something i am known to do....hahahahahhaha
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Nov 28, 2012, 11:25:36 AM
Football and the Blonde

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 28, 2012, 11:53:58 AM
funny capt jj..........hope your not the blonde he was talking about
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Nov 28, 2012, 01:07:02 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzG3Q3zsqgA (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzG3Q3zsqgA)

hahaha seriously I would lose it if someone did this to me...

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 28, 2012, 01:09:19 PM
funny capt jj..........hope your not the blonde he was talking about
I'm leaving that 1 to you loony, I wouldn't touch it. ha ha
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 28, 2012, 01:16:18 PM
I'm leaving that 1 to you loony, I wouldn't touch it. ha ha
as you can see for the most part I usually dont need to much help in this catagory...lol I get myself in so much trouble that it is unbelieveable.....................no touch needed and only having fun
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Nov 28, 2012, 01:16:41 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/74196_10151170781198723_1870963518_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 28, 2012, 01:21:38 PM
I know they are stupid pictures but I just find these awesome.....lol stupid is my middle name
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Dec 04, 2012, 10:01:50 AM
As we approach the last few days of southern hunting........This is what we dont want to happen when walking to our stands

(http://i1238.photobucket.com/albums/ff482/Doreen_Kirley/Screenshot2012-12-04at103348AM.png)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Dec 05, 2012, 06:09:39 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/575958_454032227952309_365615580_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Dec 05, 2012, 06:09:58 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/553548_416984874990378_1191237283_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Dec 05, 2012, 06:10:16 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/542632_505966826092182_1782016083_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Dec 05, 2012, 06:10:38 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/531704_447319418623590_1608264301_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Dec 05, 2012, 06:11:02 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/530112_464786570210208_1063026577_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Dec 05, 2012, 06:11:19 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/487338_453005688054963_2119959489_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Dec 05, 2012, 06:11:43 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/486220_507788112576720_871031167_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Dec 05, 2012, 06:12:02 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/431676_492520340770164_344613234_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Dec 05, 2012, 06:12:23 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/292392_459009154121283_1427625347_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Dec 05, 2012, 06:12:48 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/197863_508102912545240_89980648_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Dec 05, 2012, 07:17:01 AM
haha awesome guys...the food chain one is great.

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Dec 05, 2012, 08:28:25 AM
(http://i1189.photobucket.com/albums/z439/fishnmachine1/308685_1969649861408_1847821901_1333130_344077780_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Dec 05, 2012, 10:20:48 AM
Good ones! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Dec 05, 2012, 12:51:43 PM
Good one fishnmachine............ ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: NYSporty on Dec 05, 2012, 01:31:58 PM
(http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e98/jallyn968/8-Lsxy-J2USjqOdtLuf1ZQ2.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Dec 05, 2012, 01:37:39 PM
(http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a246/brizejellicle/Funny%20Pictures/deerhunting.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Dec 05, 2012, 01:39:42 PM
(http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e98/jallyn968/8-Lsxy-J2USjqOdtLuf1ZQ2.jpg)

I want one.....this was a great one...lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Dec 05, 2012, 01:40:19 PM
(http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a246/brizejellicle/Funny%20Pictures/deerhunting.jpg)

good one raquette
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Dec 05, 2012, 01:40:41 PM
(http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee483/wildcherryG1RL/funnydeer.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Dec 05, 2012, 01:42:14 PM
whatchew on fb again?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Dec 05, 2012, 01:43:03 PM
(http://i583.photobucket.com/albums/ss279/peacegirl163/funny-pictures-deer-under-trampolin.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Dec 05, 2012, 01:43:45 PM
(http://i583.photobucket.com/albums/ss279/peacegirl163/funny-pictures-deer-under-trampolin.jpg)

fb again for sure
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Dec 05, 2012, 01:44:53 PM
(http://i1129.photobucket.com/albums/m518/Wwerita/Hunting-funny-deer.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 05, 2012, 02:26:40 PM

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/image007.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Dec 05, 2012, 08:30:28 PM
(http://i1189.photobucket.com/albums/z439/fishnmachine1/snow_camo.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Dec 05, 2012, 08:33:33 PM
That's not you is it? ;D ;D Good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Dec 05, 2012, 08:51:08 PM
Lol! Nope. Not me. I wouldn't have fit in my ex's...or current's for that matter.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: bassranger on Dec 06, 2012, 07:23:19 PM
(http://i272.photobucket.com/albums/jj170/bassranger420/60_4542_s_rt__558881286826789750750.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Dec 07, 2012, 12:47:41 PM
  http://thepossumdrop.com/     (http://thepossumdrop.com/)
  http://www.theatlantic.com/video/index/250702/     (http://www.theatlantic.com/video/index/250702/)
 
 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-YYL1629GA)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Dec 07, 2012, 04:54:24 PM
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/16103_10151111924421371_475835148_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Otto on Dec 09, 2012, 06:39:17 PM
'Three SCOTTISH Kick Rule' 

A Glasgow lawyer went duck hunting in rural Aberdeenshire . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.   As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Scotland and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.".   The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Mintlaw. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.   The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!  His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.    Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." 

(I love this part) 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck." 

When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.    When you're intelligent, you know which half. 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: huntny30 on Dec 09, 2012, 06:42:43 PM
LOL Good One!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Dec 09, 2012, 07:11:41 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Spikes on Dec 09, 2012, 07:29:00 PM
This happened to me in a dream once..  ;D
(http://i1051.photobucket.com/albums/s431/Downeastah4/Moose1.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 10, 2012, 03:29:29 AM
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/16103_10151111924421371_475835148_n.jpg)
Good one Chucker
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Cornbread on Dec 10, 2012, 08:29:35 AM
(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/Heros.jpeg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Dec 10, 2012, 08:41:31 AM
Lol!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Dec 10, 2012, 09:31:54 AM
Thats great Cornbread...  I just watched Rambo a couple of weeks ago....   Not First Blood but Rambo....  It was made a couple of years ago. and at 60 something Sly was awesome.............
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 10, 2012, 11:04:20 AM

           X2 Cornbread, that was really a good 1. Just shows how we are digressing as a society! ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Dec 12, 2012, 05:59:26 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/480597_10151349834375797_775445403_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 dan on Dec 12, 2012, 06:35:15 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/480597_10151349834375797_775445403_n.jpg)


not with us............Muzzel loader 1 BANG       ML2      BANG......Afew mins later.......BANG      BANG
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Dec 12, 2012, 08:09:49 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/548653_453511524708762_999566946_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Dec 12, 2012, 08:54:38 AM
LOL! I like that one.....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Dec 12, 2012, 01:24:00 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/182309_499801250051649_1777859523_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Dec 12, 2012, 01:44:36 PM
both are awesome.......lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Dec 12, 2012, 02:57:21 PM
http://www.biggamehunt.net/cartoons/july-2010-0 (http://www.biggamehunt.net/cartoons/july-2010-0)

Loony? haha

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Dec 12, 2012, 03:38:11 PM
http://www.biggamehunt.net/cartoons/july-2010-0 (http://www.biggamehunt.net/cartoons/july-2010-0)

Loony? haha

Luke

yes this is me but and i repeat but.........I do go to 8 ft or less now..........llol lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Dec 12, 2012, 09:06:55 PM
http://www.biggamehunt.net/cartoons/july-2010-0 (http://www.biggamehunt.net/cartoons/july-2010-0)

Loony? haha

Luke
Yup that used to be me!! But I got over it!!  ;D  A safety harness helped that!!  8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: OTIS on Dec 13, 2012, 06:49:25 AM
yes this is me but and i repeat but.........I do go to 8 ft or less now..........llol lol

Do you bring a tape measure with you?

LOL!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Dec 13, 2012, 07:00:02 AM
Do you bring a tape measure with you?

LOL!

no but I count my climbing steps.....and if I can reach it with my hands thats high enough.......lol so yeah maybe I bring my measuring arms......believe me it is within my reach so 8 is probably wrong more like 7 my guess.....lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 13, 2012, 07:37:57 AM
no but I count my climbing steps.....and if I can reach it with my hands thats high enough.......lol so yeah maybe I bring my measuring arms......believe me it is within my reach so 8 is probably wrong more like 7 my guess.....lol
You were high enough, you got a nice deer from that height, didn't you!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Dec 13, 2012, 07:57:29 AM
You were high enough, you got a nice deer from that height, didn't you!

Ya she did!

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Dec 13, 2012, 08:16:39 AM
You were high enough, you got a nice deer from that height, didn't you!

I sure was....and i am still flying high.........but my feets are grounded for the moment....at least until Saturday
Title: Timmy's Letter to Santa
Post by: Chucker on Dec 13, 2012, 09:42:01 AM
 Dear Santa,
 
 How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that on Christmas Day.
 
 Merry Christmas,
 
 Timmy Jones
 
 ~~~~~~~~
 
 Dear Timmy,
 
 Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
 
 Merry Christmas,
 
 Santa Claus
 
 ~~~~~~~~
 
 Mr. Claus,
 
 Seeing that I have fulfilled the "Naughty vs. Nice" contract requirement, set by you, I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
 
 Respectfully,
 
 Tim Jones
 
 ~~~~~~~~
 
 Mr. Jones,
 
 While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well, that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
 
 Very Truly Yours,
 
 S Claus
 
 ~~~~~~~~
 
 Now look here, Fat Man,
 
 I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you're just disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat a$$; when you get here, I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want.
 
 WHATEVER I WANT, MAN!
 
 T-Bone
 
 ~~~~~~~~
 
 Listen Pizza Face,
 
 Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal? I got your $hit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your a$$ and then walk it dry.
 
 Chew on that, Petunia.
 
 S Clizzy
 
 ~~~~~~~~
 
 Dear Santa,
 
 Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
 
 Timmy
 
 ~~~~~~~~
 
 Timmy,
 
 That's what I thought, you little bastard.
 
 Santa
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: huntny30 on Dec 13, 2012, 09:45:24 AM
LOL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Dec 13, 2012, 09:58:55 AM
lol thats what I thought too
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Dec 13, 2012, 10:04:55 AM
HAHA, S. Clizzy
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Dec 13, 2012, 10:17:17 AM
hahah that one is great. Don't mess with Santa...

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 13, 2012, 11:18:32 AM
        I only wish! ::)

              (http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/randy_120.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Dec 13, 2012, 11:23:35 AM
        I only wish! ::)

              (http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/randy_120.jpg)

HA HA that's how it used to be!!  :'(
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Dec 13, 2012, 12:15:22 PM
(http://i1238.photobucket.com/albums/ff482/Doreen_Kirley/Screenshot2012-12-13at10120PM.png)
(http://i1238.photobucket.com/albums/ff482/Doreen_Kirley/Screenshot2012-12-13at10126PM.png)
(http://i1238.photobucket.com/albums/ff482/Doreen_Kirley/Screenshot2012-12-13at10147PM.png)
(http://i1238.photobucket.com/albums/ff482/Doreen_Kirley/Screenshot2012-12-13at10244PM.png)
(http://i1238.photobucket.com/albums/ff482/Doreen_Kirley/Screenshot2012-12-13at10333PM.png)
(http://i1238.photobucket.com/albums/ff482/Doreen_Kirley/Screenshot2012-12-13at10435PM.png)
(http://i1238.photobucket.com/albums/ff482/Doreen_Kirley/Screenshot2012-12-13at10531PM.png)
(http://i1238.photobucket.com/albums/ff482/Doreen_Kirley/Screenshot2012-12-13at10106PM.png)
(http://i1238.photobucket.com/albums/ff482/Doreen_Kirley/Screenshot2012-12-13at10000PM.png)
(http://i1238.photobucket.com/albums/ff482/Doreen_Kirley/Screenshot2012-12-13at125157PM.png)
(http://i1238.photobucket.com/albums/ff482/Doreen_Kirley/Screenshot2012-12-13at125838PM.png)
(http://i1238.photobucket.com/albums/ff482/Doreen_Kirley/Screenshot2012-12-13at124349PM.png)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Dec 13, 2012, 12:36:30 PM
Good ones loony...

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 13, 2012, 01:55:57 PM

               Good job loony. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Dec 13, 2012, 02:25:00 PM
Good ones.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Dec 13, 2012, 08:46:39 PM

not with us............Muzzel loader 1 BANG       ML2      BANG......Afew mins later.......BANG      BANG
This better!!  ;D
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/534116_440505949342285_562507329_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Dec 13, 2012, 09:13:01 PM
yes maineduckless.............it is better
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: eyehi on Dec 13, 2012, 10:10:40 PM
This better!!  ;D
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/534116_440505949342285_562507329_n.jpg)
This is one of the best ones i have seen  8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Spikes on Dec 14, 2012, 04:36:11 PM
(http://i1051.photobucket.com/albums/s431/Downeastah4/399312_10151354561990797_1061688321_n_zps83ffb362.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Dec 17, 2012, 07:49:51 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/32410_455495641177017_595606534_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Dec 20, 2012, 09:27:06 AM
Took me a second to get this one.... ;D
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/312562_10152362277610529_332073850_n.png)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Dec 20, 2012, 09:33:06 AM
Haha good one MDH...

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Dec 20, 2012, 11:58:30 AM
love it...lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Dec 20, 2012, 12:04:39 PM
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/393100_504452476253040_497986535_n.jpg)


(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/380741_10151187393188564_1552725331_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Dec 20, 2012, 12:06:12 PM
lol phew I thought we were doooooomed
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: peddler on Dec 20, 2012, 12:55:37 PM
The Mayans did that calendar because they knew Obama was going to be re-elected !!!!!

Peddler  8) 8) 8) 8) 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: huntny30 on Dec 20, 2012, 01:54:37 PM
Wife's Diary....Husband's Diary


Wife's Diary:

  Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made
  plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was
  shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was
  upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
  comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
  that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but
  he didn't say much.

  I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him
  if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't
  upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry
  about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He
  smiled slightly, and kept driving.

  I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say,
  "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost
  him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me
  anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He
  continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence
  all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes
  later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was
  distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell
  asleep -- I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure
  that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a
  disaster.


  Husband's Diary:

  Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 600RevX on Dec 20, 2012, 02:00:30 PM
 ;D HaHa!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Dec 20, 2012, 02:12:51 PM
Haha yeah I have heard that one hunt..hilarious.

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Dec 20, 2012, 05:41:05 PM
OMG! It's been a h*ll of a day and I needed a good laugh. Thanks MDH, Chucker, and hunt; you didn't let me down!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: huntny30 on Dec 21, 2012, 07:28:28 AM
A good sign that hunting season is over...

(http://i588.photobucket.com/albums/ss324/huntny30/Seasonover.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Dec 21, 2012, 07:35:23 AM
love it....thanks for sharing
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Dec 21, 2012, 07:40:25 AM
A good sign that hunting season is over...

(http://i588.photobucket.com/albums/ss324/huntny30/Seasonover.jpg)

haha nice hunt...GO PACKERS!

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: huntny30 on Dec 21, 2012, 09:19:06 AM
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
 
Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a calm voice, the husband said "Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
 
The wife choked up and started to cry and said "Yes, I remember that jewellery store". He said "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: NYSporty on Dec 21, 2012, 09:27:40 AM
I was driving home from shopping last night and this girl went by me texting on her phone.
Well it made me so mad at the next redlight I rolled down my window and through my half full beer at her car. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Dec 21, 2012, 09:22:41 PM
Not sure it's filed under humor, but I laughed. Don't pick a fight with a guy older than you assuming he won't fight back, and beat you down  ;D.

http://youtu.be/jjjObYp-P-E (http://youtu.be/jjjObYp-P-E)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mookie on Dec 21, 2012, 09:28:20 PM
Not sure it's filed under humor, but I laughed. Don't pick a fight with a guy older than you assuming he won't fight back, and beat you down  ;D.

http://youtu.be/jjjObYp-P-E (http://youtu.be/jjjObYp-P-E)
I love that one lol  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: eyehi on Dec 21, 2012, 10:16:34 PM
Pinky didnt think that one thru....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 22, 2012, 06:13:04 AM
I liked it also  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Dec 23, 2012, 04:12:00 PM
Awesome video.    Funny
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: The RodFather on Dec 25, 2012, 09:45:07 AM
Hahaha this is all some really funny stuff!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Dec 29, 2012, 10:36:35 AM
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/23409_10151581205872166_1128885746_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: The RodFather on Dec 29, 2012, 10:39:29 AM
That is funny it is like those commercials about dose xx. Good one chucke.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Dec 29, 2012, 01:31:01 PM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: HARVEST BOON on Dec 29, 2012, 04:35:48 PM
Good stuff Chucker!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 29, 2012, 04:38:26 PM
Nice one Chucker  hehehe :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 29, 2012, 10:31:45 PM

          Chucker, you are the most interesting man in the world. ha ha  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Dec 31, 2012, 07:29:01 AM
Good one chucker...

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Dec 31, 2012, 10:53:22 AM
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/47673_10152346356285034_1122010655_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 31, 2012, 02:08:22 PM
hehehe Nice JJ ; I like my plump chicken  :P :P
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Dec 31, 2012, 03:43:55 PM
Saw this on FB and figured I'd share.

(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/418645_531737710178478_2127408562_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Dec 31, 2012, 03:54:53 PM
Lol so did I.....--
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Jan 02, 2013, 09:15:26 PM
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/178965_565434430148636_1130418957_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 03, 2013, 03:58:42 AM
Hehehehe nice Steve  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 03, 2013, 04:12:20 AM

           I like that 1 Steve. ;)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mschott on Jan 04, 2013, 01:55:17 PM
(http://i644.photobucket.com/albums/uu168/mschott00/IMG950345.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Jan 04, 2013, 01:58:14 PM
Good one.....   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Jan 04, 2013, 03:24:01 PM
(http://i644.photobucket.com/albums/uu168/mschott00/IMG950345.jpg)

Hahahaha good one man.

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Jan 04, 2013, 03:36:19 PM
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/178965_565434430148636_1130418957_n.jpg)
LOL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Jan 08, 2013, 10:03:44 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/64982_10151177679531059_2074145567_n_zps7ce14f26.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Jan 13, 2013, 08:31:54 AM
(http://assets.amuniversal.com/2788d3703a3e01300bde001dd8b71c47?width=900.0)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 13, 2013, 03:44:22 PM
hehehe Nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 13, 2013, 04:52:44 PM


(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/thin-ice1.gif)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: upstatehunter on Jan 14, 2013, 06:26:49 AM
Funny....Was thinking about Tyler yesterday...he wants to get fishing bad......but don't worry to much about him going on unsafe ice....he watched me go in one morning walking out....went through a live well....covered with snow....scared the crap out of him....I wasn't skeered at allll..... ::) ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Jan 14, 2013, 06:36:25 PM
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/37097_10151184572771954_1677177842_n.jpg)



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 14, 2013, 06:50:12 PM
Can you get the Irish flu shot daily
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Jan 14, 2013, 06:51:54 PM
If an apple a day works, why not?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: upstatehunter on Jan 15, 2013, 08:09:08 AM
 On his 74th  birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
> The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
> reservation
> who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
> dysfunction.   After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation,
> handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
>  The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder,
> warned,
> "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and
> then say '1-2-3.'"   When you do, you will become more manly than you
> have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
> The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How
> do I stop the medicine from working?"   "Your partner must say
> '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not
> work again until the next full moon."   He was very eager to see if it
> worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the
> medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.   When
> she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"  Immediately,
> he was the manliest of men.   His wife was excited and began throwing
> off her clothes and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"   And
> that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
> preposition,
> because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 15, 2013, 10:26:32 AM

         LMAO, Scott. Good 1
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Cornbread on Jan 15, 2013, 01:48:38 PM
A woman came to a preacher that was awful looking. Her hair was all torn up, she was overweight and looked terrible. she said, "Oh, Reverend, what can I do? My husband has started to drink."

The preacher looked at her and said, "Madam, if I was married to you I'd start drinking too."


************************************************

Ole  was talking about his marriage to his friend, Sven.  You know, Sven, I never knew what happiness was until I got married, then it was too
late.

************************************************

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?""
The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

************************************************

"So, Ole, I see you got a sign up that says, 'Boat For Sale.' But you don't own a boat, Ole. All you got is your old John Deere tractor and your combine." "Yup, and der boat for sale."

************************************************

Sven and Ole went out duck hunting, and they worked at it for a couple hours and finally Sven says: "I wonder why aren't we getting any ducks, Ole?" "I don't know. I wonder if we're throwing the dog high enough?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Jan 15, 2013, 03:18:19 PM
Nice ones Cornbread...

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 16, 2013, 03:54:11 AM
Nice ones Cornbread...

Luke
That works for me corn bread hehehe....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Jan 16, 2013, 04:58:20 PM

Venison vs. Beef: The controversy is FINALLY settled..!

 Controversy has long raged about the relative quality and taste of venison and beef as gourmet foods. Some people say venison is tough, with a strong "wild" taste. Others insist venison's flavor is delicate. An independent food research group was retained by the Venison Council to conduct a taste test to determine the truth of these conflicting assertions once and for all.

First, a Grade A Choice Hereford steer was chased into a swamp a mile and a half from a road and shot several times. After some of the entrails were removed, the carcass was dragged back over rocks and logs, and through mud and dust to the road. It was then thrown into the back of a pickup truck and driven through rain and snow for 100 miles to the nearest bar. After several hours of "bragging time", it was transported to a tree behind a house where it hung out in the sun for a day.

It was then lugged into a garage where it was skinned and rolled around on the greasy floor for a while. Strict sanitary precautions were observed throughout the test, within the limitations of the butchering environment. For instance, dogs and cats were allowed to sniff and lick the steer carcass, but most of the time were chased away, along with the pesky flies, when they attempted to bite chunks out of it.

Next, a sheet of plywood left from last year's butchering was set up in the basement on two saw horses. The pieces of dried blood, hair and fat left from last year were scraped off with a wire brush last used to clean out the grass stuck under the lawn mower.

The skinned carcass was then dragged down the steps into the basement where several inexperienced but enthusiastic and intoxicated men worked on it with meat saws, cleavers, hammers and dull knives while watching a football game on a small TV. The result was 375 pounds of soup bones, four bushel baskets of meat scraps, three badly cut and bleeding fingers, and a half dozen steaks that were an eighth of an inch thick on one edge and an inch and a half thick on the other edge.

The steaks were seared on a glowing red hot cast iron skillet to lock in the flavor. When the smoke cleared, rancid bacon grease was added, along with three pounds of onions, and the whole conglomeration was fried for twenty more minutes.

The meat was gently teased from the frying pan and served to three intoxicated and blindfolded taste panel volunteers. Every member of the panel thought it was venison. One volunteer even said it tasted exactly like the venison he has eaten in hunting camps for the past 27 years.

The results of this scientific test conclusively show that there is absolutely no difference between the taste of beef and venison...!!
 



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Jan 16, 2013, 08:00:25 PM
that just sounds to gross to eat............I might be changing to vegin if I have to eat that..................URGH
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Jan 17, 2013, 03:31:30 PM
Lol! That must be true, 'cause I just read it on the internet!!  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Jan 18, 2013, 07:48:56 AM
Lol! That must be true, 'cause I just read it on the internet!!  ;D
everything you find on the internet is true.......... :-X
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Jan 18, 2013, 07:56:18 AM
(http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/babydoc3/9337123/11965/original.png)

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Jan 18, 2013, 11:40:46 AM
(http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/babydoc3/9337123/11965/original.png)

Luke

LOL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Jan 18, 2013, 06:43:29 PM
I'm not sure if this one is funny or depressing...

(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/66421_560307160665172_36377241_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: upstatehunter on Jan 18, 2013, 07:52:17 PM
But it holds seven shots at getting it right.....to bad they can't shoot....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 19, 2013, 02:43:53 AM


                     (http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/317965_526480757372966_1705324368_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 19, 2013, 06:50:50 AM
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/37097_10151184572771954_1677177842_n.jpg)


  Hehehehe   Bet  I remember to take my flu shot now  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: peddler on Jan 19, 2013, 07:59:56 AM
  Hehehehe   Bet  I remember to take my flu shot now  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

A little Jameson " NEET "

Peddler  8) 8) 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 20, 2013, 08:11:03 AM
         This is pretty cool. 8)  My father had a saying "Don't believe anything you hear, & only half of what you see"
                  http://www.youtube.com/v/Uh0CMcLiRkw%26feature%3dshare (http://www.youtube.com/v/Uh0CMcLiRkw%26feature%3dshare)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Jan 20, 2013, 10:01:32 AM
Wow! Cool card trick.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Jan 20, 2013, 02:48:34 PM
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/487197_10151166213276710_1535347243_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Jan 21, 2013, 10:39:30 PM
TOP-11 "ONLY IN AMERICA " OBSERVATIONS -- BY A CANADIAN*

1) Only in America could the rich people - who pay 86% of all income taxes - be accused of not paying their "fair share" by people who don't pay any income taxes at all.

2) Only in America could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General, and roughly 18% of the federal workforce is black while only 12% of the population is black

3) Only in America could they have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner, the head of the Treasury Department and Charles Rangel who once ran the Ways and Means
Committee, BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.

4) Only in America can they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.

5) Only in America would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege while we discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just 'magically' become
American citizens.

6) Only in America could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country's Constitution be thought of as "extremists."

7) Only in America could you need to present a driver's license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote.

8) Only in America could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. oil company
( Marathon Oil) is less than half of a company making tennis shoes (Nike).

9) Only in America could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a Trillion dollars more than it has per year - for total spending of $7-Million PER MINUTE, and complain that it doesn't have nearly enough money.

10) Only in America could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 a plate campaign fund-raising event.

11) Only in America can a man with no background, no qualifications and no experience ... and a complete failure at his job ... be reelected.


I'm not sure this is really funny. >:( ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Jan 22, 2013, 05:16:30 AM
(http://i267.photobucket.com/albums/ii311/phrotojoe/gun1.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Jan 22, 2013, 05:40:39 AM
(http://i267.photobucket.com/albums/ii311/phrotojoe/gun1.jpg)

Too bad they're not pointing the other way, and some of them were left loaded   ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 22, 2013, 06:24:44 AM
Too bad they're not pointing the other way, and some of them were left loaded   ::)
X-2   Should be that way for sure ....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: upstatehunter on Jan 22, 2013, 06:45:40 AM
The only funny thing about the Chinese photo is that today the U.S. spends over half of it's money to them.....so as they burn guns to keep people from taking over the government, they are laughing all the way to the bank...with your money...
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Jan 22, 2013, 12:33:36 PM
makes me sick too.........we need those back here where they will be put to good use......
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 22, 2013, 07:23:20 PM

      (http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/securedownload-3.png)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: tubeslinger on Jan 22, 2013, 07:37:51 PM
Good one!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Jan 22, 2013, 07:57:18 PM
      (http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/securedownload-3.png)
I knew things were improving. Twenty missed work for the Million Man March a few years ago...hunts2long
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: eyehi on Jan 22, 2013, 09:37:38 PM
      (http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/securedownload-3.png)
Lmao...... Nice one......
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Jan 22, 2013, 09:39:19 PM
I knew things were improving. Twenty missed work for the Million Man March a few years ago...hunts2long
LOL I wont comment but trust me I know what you mean. ;)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Jan 23, 2013, 10:14:55 PM
(http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/601302_524151437619320_1151692900_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Otto on Jan 24, 2013, 08:22:01 AM
A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.  After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy then responded with a loud voice. "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ARE YOU CRAZY?!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear:  "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mookie on Jan 24, 2013, 08:23:34 AM
A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.  After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy then responded with a loud voice. "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ARE YOU CRAZY?!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear:  "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 24, 2013, 08:37:48 AM
so true
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 24, 2013, 01:26:52 PM
Right on with that  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 24, 2013, 04:33:39 PM

            Good 1 Otto, ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: upstatehunter on Jan 24, 2013, 06:19:59 PM
Just occurred to me... Know why you don't hear a lot from Obama supporters on the internet....????
 
He hasn't hooked up the free internet in the subsidized home..and the free cell phone isn't 4G....There has been some trading of food stamps to lobbyists to try to help this program along....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Jan 24, 2013, 07:05:53 PM
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/424572_409323875819184_219853897_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: upstatehunter on Jan 24, 2013, 07:51:21 PM
Made me laugh...had a young man in the store today in shorts....asked him if the draft was causing frozen nuggets....got a huh???
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Jan 24, 2013, 08:27:09 PM
I saw a guy walking on the road yesterday with no coat - just a backpack over his t-shirt.   :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Jan 28, 2013, 05:40:34 AM
(http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/397444_4225312347680_1409519997_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Jan 28, 2013, 05:26:47 PM
True Story--I went in Walmart to return a curtin rod,the girl at the counter was all upset telling another employee that she thinks a guys is going to return to the store and shoot them because of an Item they would not take back,then she told me the story-I asked her why don't all you employee's carry guns,she said no-oh no--then you wouldn't have nothing to worry about I said --and then i said I don't have to worry about that myself...!!!!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 28, 2013, 05:33:35 PM

            http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=eryxAcsTcOA (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=eryxAcsTcOA)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Jan 28, 2013, 06:42:00 PM
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/71819_10152448855815371_1821564674_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Jan 28, 2013, 06:43:16 PM
haha Chucker that is good.

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Jan 29, 2013, 05:54:41 AM
It's all up to interpretation, right?  ;)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Jan 29, 2013, 02:56:56 PM
(http://i267.photobucket.com/albums/ii311/phrotojoe/Moron.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 29, 2013, 02:59:57 PM
would be real easy
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 29, 2013, 03:52:54 PM
Nice Chucker
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: upstatehunter on Jan 30, 2013, 06:19:03 AM
And as the delusional anti gun crowd would say...If they banned all us citizens from owning guns....they wouldn't need all those guns around them to protect them....next will be throwing knives....and sling shots.. ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Jan 30, 2013, 10:12:39 AM
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/537270_10151239067775911_2144533725_n.png)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: ramrod on Jan 30, 2013, 10:16:11 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 30, 2013, 10:28:26 AM



                  hehehehe 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Jan 30, 2013, 01:10:30 PM
   After being married for thirty years, a wife asked

her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said,
"You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous,
and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ...
"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
 ;D ;D
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mookie on Jan 30, 2013, 01:16:56 PM



    Good one  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 30, 2013, 03:42:21 PM

           Yea Dom, that is a good 1, but how many men would really say that to their wife's face! ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Jan 30, 2013, 03:57:13 PM
           Yea Dom, that is a good 1, but how many men would really say that to their wife's face! ::)


     Well I couldn't post the end of it about his doctors visit to see if he could get something reattached.... :o :o :o     ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Jan 30, 2013, 05:09:28 PM
For peddler  ;)

(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/150963_333537290097069_1834421405_n.png)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: huntny30 on Jan 31, 2013, 09:06:58 AM
LOL this one cracks me up...anyone who has met my wife could see this...


(http://i588.photobucket.com/albums/ss324/huntny30/haha.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: peddler on Jan 31, 2013, 12:06:43 PM
For peddler  ;)

(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/150963_333537290097069_1834421405_n.png)

Chucker, I like it !!!!!

Peddler  :o :o :o :o :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Cornbread on Jan 31, 2013, 01:16:28 PM
           Yea Dom, that is a good 1, but how many men would really say that to their wife's face!

I would, but then again I have been divorced twice :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: peddler on Jan 31, 2013, 01:19:19 PM
I would, but then again I have been divorced twice :)

Me three !!!

Peddler  8) 8) 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Jan 31, 2013, 01:28:00 PM
I would, but then again I have been divorced twice :)

Not married here...but I will be at some point I am assuming...and I know I wouldn't be able to say it to her face...haha

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: peddler on Jan 31, 2013, 01:45:52 PM
Not married here...but I will be at some point I am assuming...and I know I wouldn't be able to say it to her face...haha

Luke

Stay single if your that afraid of her, HO HO HO !!!

Peddler  8) 8) 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 31, 2013, 02:18:36 PM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Jan 31, 2013, 02:49:06 PM
Stay single if your that afraid of her, HO HO HO !!!

Peddler  8) 8) 8)

hahahaha definitely not afraid of her...but don't want to be a jerk...haha

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: huntny30 on Jan 31, 2013, 03:12:11 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Xoe5Vjl90-o (https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Xoe5Vjl90-o)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Jan 31, 2013, 03:26:34 PM
hahaha that is awesome.

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 31, 2013, 03:27:11 PM



                 heheheh  at least he got his coat washed   ; Good one Hunt  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Jan 31, 2013, 06:23:34 PM
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-52hWBg_0HHI/Te-3laYY_SI/AAAAAAAAAH4/TBImJ6wxoAk/s1600/funny-celebrity-ooh-a-dollar.gif)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 31, 2013, 06:40:27 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Xoe5Vjl90-o (https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Xoe5Vjl90-o)
             Sorry Scott, I posted that on the 28th.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: huntny30 on Jan 31, 2013, 06:42:00 PM
             Sorry Scott, I posted that on the 28th.

Ohhh didn't see it...I got it in my email and thought it was funny... :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 31, 2013, 06:57:23 PM
Ohhh didn't see it...I got it in my email and thought it was funny... :o
            It's no big deal, I've done the same thing myself.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: huntny30 on Jan 31, 2013, 06:59:58 PM
            It's no big deal, I've done the same thing myself.

It is wrong... I unintentionally poached your comedy... ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 31, 2013, 07:11:30 PM
It is wrong... I unintentionally poached your comedy... ;D
             Nah, it's hard to read everything that's on here.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: huntny30 on Jan 31, 2013, 07:14:09 PM
             Nah, it's hard to read everything that's on here.

No Doubt...
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 31, 2013, 07:28:03 PM
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-52hWBg_0HHI/Te-3laYY_SI/AAAAAAAAAH4/TBImJ6wxoAk/s1600/funny-celebrity-ooh-a-dollar.gif)


            hehehe     Awesome JJ   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Feb 01, 2013, 09:47:23 AM
Is that your imitation of yourself Mr Greenie
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 01, 2013, 02:26:59 PM
Is that your imitation of yourself Mr Greenie
  Green stamps to be had , I go for them  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Feb 04, 2013, 09:44:53 PM
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
 
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
 
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
 
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
 
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
 
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
 
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
 
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
 
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: upstatehunter on Feb 04, 2013, 10:13:44 PM
LOL very funny...."old married couple".....I resemble that.... :P
Title: 1st date conversation
Post by: Wyoming Larry on Feb 05, 2013, 12:25:45 AM
A First Date Conversation

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3 six-packs

Lady: How much per six-pack?

Man: about $10

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 six-pack cost $10 and you have 3 six-packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800, correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 a year, not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years… that puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you realize that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No.

Man: Where's your Ferrari?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 05, 2013, 06:42:20 AM



       hehehe   ;D  Very good Nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Feb 06, 2013, 11:17:21 AM
Funny Wyoming Larry. ;D



That's how the fight started ;D ;D


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a

Christmas gift...The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.


When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the

gift I bought you last year!"


And that's how the fight started.....


______________________________ __


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were

in bed.


I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'


'No,' she answered..


I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'


She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'


So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


And that's when the fight started...


________________________________




I took my wife to a restaurant....The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first.


"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."


He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"


"Nah, she can order for herself."


And that's when the fight started.....


_______________________________



My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and

she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at

a nearby table.


I asked her, "Do you know him?"


"Yes", she sighed,


"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we

split up those many years ago, and I hear he

hasn't been sober since."


"Oh my!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that

long?"


And then the fight started...


________________________________



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me

that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to

take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something

more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her

point.


When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,

busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing

scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the

house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her

a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as

well sweep the driveway.."


The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


______________________________



My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.


She asked, "What's on TV?"


I said, "Dust."


And then the fight started...


________________________________



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and

slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and

proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing

50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and

discovered that the weather would be bad all day.


I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into

bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation,

and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."


My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid

husband is out fishing in that?"


And that's how the fight started...


_______________________________



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about          3

seconds."


I bought her a bathroom scale.


And then the fight started......


______________________________



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for

Social Security.


The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify

my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at

home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go

home and come back later.


The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.


So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.


She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and

she processed my Social Security application.


When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

Social Security office.


She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten

disability too.'


And then the fight started...


________________________________



My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not

happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old,

fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'


I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."


And then the fight started........


________________________________



I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!


The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up

at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'


So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'


That's how the fight started.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 06, 2013, 11:35:33 AM

    hehehe   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Feb 06, 2013, 12:10:40 PM
Haha nice drobs...

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Feb 06, 2013, 01:49:29 PM
all good ones
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Feb 06, 2013, 02:14:09 PM
Lmao
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Feb 06, 2013, 05:56:39 PM
During a recent morning mass in New York City, a little old Italian lady made her way to the front and out of character prayed rather loudly this.

Dear Lord, this has been a tough two or three years ...you have taken
my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite musician Michael
Jackson, my favorite salesman Billy Mays, my favorite actress
Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite singer Whitney Houston, and, now, my
favorite announcer Dick Clark. I just wanted you to know that my
favorite politician is Barack Obama.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 06, 2013, 06:03:55 PM
During a recent morning mass in New York City, a little old Italian lady made her way to the front and out of character prayed rather loudly this.

Dear Lord, this has been a tough two or three years ...you have taken
my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite musician Michael
Jackson, my favorite salesman Billy Mays, my favorite actress
Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite singer Whitney Houston, and, now, my
favorite announcer Dick Clark. I just wanted you to know that my
favorite politician is Barack Obama.
             Good one Dave, LOL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Feb 06, 2013, 06:19:56 PM
Oh ya--
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Feb 07, 2013, 09:09:36 PM
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up,  firewood gathered, and  dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.
                                                         
"Shoot Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
                                                         
"Well, I've been here since last night.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked,  'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!  She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I  did.   
                                                           
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."   
                                                           
So, Here I am!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Feb 08, 2013, 05:36:25 AM
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/604019_484864978215983_171735534_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: upstatehunter on Feb 08, 2013, 06:11:13 AM
LOL.....always good to start the day with a chuckle...'er..... ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Feb 08, 2013, 06:15:38 AM
Friend had this on FB.

(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/600966_468764283182501_1950384276_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: OTIS on Feb 08, 2013, 07:03:23 AM
Utoh!  I'm wearing assault boots now!!! :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Feb 08, 2013, 07:09:19 AM
Wait, I'm confused.....  Does that mean the WWII German jackboots I used to wear for re-enactments are OK now?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 08, 2013, 07:46:04 AM
 

                   Nice   hehehe     They will probably ban them with the Assault name in them
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Feb 08, 2013, 07:49:42 AM
No more wearing Camo in public !!! whats next..
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Feb 08, 2013, 07:55:06 AM
I'm actually wearing camo work boots right now. They take them off my cold dead feet  ;D.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Feb 09, 2013, 05:40:50 PM
(http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/563046_488872211169524_763444395_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: upstatehunter on Feb 09, 2013, 06:53:23 PM
Good luck getting a kid today to ride that around the yard.....I would have loved to have one of those when i was 11-12-13.....I had 6 lawns to mow every week....one yard was over two acres....with a garden to weed and take care of.....To do it the way the older ladies that lived there wanted, took 12-14 hours....but they paid well and had some awesome tea and cookies...LOL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: professor finessor on Feb 09, 2013, 07:40:40 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 10, 2013, 07:45:15 AM
Good luck getting a kid today to ride that around the yard.....I would have loved to have one of those when i was 11-12-13.....I had 6 lawns to mow every week....one yard was over two acres....with a garden to weed and take care of.....To do it the way the older ladies that lived there wanted, took 12-14 hours....but they paid well and had some awesome tea and cookies...LOL


   I Loved little old ladies back in the late 60 s & early 70 s  myself they sure new how to treat you to   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Feb 10, 2013, 08:02:40 AM
Friend had this on FB.

(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/600966_468764283182501_1950384276_n.jpg)
LOL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 10, 2013, 06:50:17 PM

           (http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/543556_336660199785761_199951440_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Feb 10, 2013, 10:02:02 PM
(http://mmyhasptymouth.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/house-thumb.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chimo on Feb 11, 2013, 04:31:35 AM
^^  Lmao!  Those newspaper clips are great! 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Feb 11, 2013, 05:47:48 AM
I like the pullout text on the mausoleum one - "we had no idea anyone was buried there"   ::) ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Feb 11, 2013, 06:03:17 AM
Lol!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: upstatehunter on Feb 11, 2013, 06:14:48 AM
So comforting to know we are an educated mass.... :o :o :o :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 11, 2013, 06:56:38 AM

                 ;D ;D 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 13, 2013, 03:45:33 AM

              (http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/72391_422202004532349_78034351_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 13, 2013, 06:31:48 AM

 

                 hehehe    Married guy's don't far to well   ;D ;D    Nice Jeff
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Feb 13, 2013, 06:37:49 AM
LOL Good ones!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Feb 13, 2013, 07:12:26 AM
hahaha I will keep that pic in mind 30-30...

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: OTIS on Feb 14, 2013, 07:20:58 AM
IT'S WORSE!  :-*
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Feb 15, 2013, 08:50:48 PM
(http://i247.photobucket.com/albums/gg137/drobertsinMaryland/208469_124092524334821_100002022227646_180922_517576_n_zpsd2e3d91b.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Feb 17, 2013, 08:43:32 AM
(http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/426038_270571906407047_505252807_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: bucksnort on Feb 17, 2013, 09:45:25 AM
buddy sent me this not sure if you already saw this but made me lmfao

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WL0_urmlmOI (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WL0_urmlmOI)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Feb 17, 2013, 10:31:13 AM
Good ones.

We use to go to Lancaster County, Pa. the land of the Amish and Mennonites.  Well... back in the day in my late teens a few friends and i use to go Yonnie bopping !!!  There are alot of Mennonites (Yonnies) that live in the northern part of the county and they very often ride bicycles as a mode of transportation.  I had a CJ5 Jeep then and would take the top off, get a broom stick wrap and tape a towel around the end of it and off we would go looking for our "victims".   Yonnie bopping consisted of driving around with our "weapon" ( broomstick)  until we found a Yonnie riding their bike along the roadside. we then would move in for the "kill" and ride up alongside of them and while on the fly smack them with the broomstick and knock them off their bikes.  We never did it to any women or girls though.  Our best day was 11 Yonnies.  It was hilarious back then looking back in the rearview mirror seeing them laying along the road, but now i see it as a real bonehead way of treating people and sorry i was ever a part of it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: peddler on Feb 17, 2013, 10:53:14 AM
Good ones.

We use to go to Lancaster County, Pa. the land of the Amish and Mennonites.  Well... back in the day in my late teens a few friends and i use to go Yonnie bopping !!!  There are alot of Mennonites (Yonnies) that live in the northern part of the county and they very often ride bicycles as a mode of transportation.  I had a CJ5 Jeep then and would take the top off, get a broom stick wrap and tape a towel around the end of it and off we would go looking for our "victims".   Yonnie bopping consisted of driving around with our "weapon" ( broomstick)  until we found a Yonnie riding their bike along the roadside. we then would move in for the "kill" and ride up alongside of them and while on the fly smack them with the broomstick and knock them off their bikes.  We never did it to any women or girls though.  Our best day was 11 Yonnies.  It was hilarious back then looking back in the rearview mirror seeing them laying along the road, but now i see it as a real bonehead way of treating people and sorry i was ever a part of it.

Drobs, I think we can all say something along those lines and it takes a man to admit his mistakes Well said.

Peddler
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Feb 17, 2013, 01:38:34 PM
So you were the one....lol....hunts2long
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Feb 17, 2013, 03:43:07 PM
The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
 
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.
 
"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.
 
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
 
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
 
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."
 
"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.
 
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
 
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
 
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what the He||'s the great news?"
 
The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Feb 17, 2013, 08:33:51 PM
Thanks Peddler. I really do feel bad about that now. Sometimes you wish you could go back and change things but that I can not. :(

Good one Raquette. ;D ;D Wonder what they get tomorrow. hehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 18, 2013, 03:26:23 AM



       Nice one Dom  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 18, 2013, 03:53:45 AM

        Excellent one Dom. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Feb 20, 2013, 12:32:31 PM
Last week I purchased a burger at a fast food restaurant for $1.58. The counter girl
 took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my
 pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3
 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.
 
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters,
 but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the
 transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the
 1950s:
 
1. Teaching Math In 1950s
 
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
 of the price. What is his profit?
 
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
 
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
 
3. Teaching Math In1970s
 
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
 $80. Did he make a profit?
 
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
 
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80
 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
 
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
 
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
 inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
 preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
 What do you think of this way of making a living?
 
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the
 birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no
 wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )
 
6. Teaching Math In 2009
 
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la
 producciones es $80. Cuanto
 dinero ha hecho?
 
7. Teaching Math In 2013
 Who cares, just steal the lumber from your rich neighbor's property. He
 won't have a gun to stop you, and it's OK anyway cuz it's redistributing
 the wealth.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Feb 20, 2013, 12:48:05 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Feb 20, 2013, 01:36:14 PM
Another good one CAPTJJ.

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 24, 2013, 06:12:33 AM

        A woman goes into Wal-mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-mart associate standing there with dark glasses on. She asks, "Excuse me sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it all on the counter anyway.

He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was she. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She asks, "But didn't you say it was $20?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 24, 2013, 06:26:49 AM
                   ;D ;D;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: peddler on Feb 24, 2013, 06:31:53 AM
 :o  :o  :o  :o  :o  :o :o

Peddler  8)  8)  8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Feb 24, 2013, 08:25:58 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Feb 25, 2013, 10:57:47 AM
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/11418_242199149250197_1863276427_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Feb 25, 2013, 05:49:49 PM
Funny CaptJJ. ;D

A Muslim, communist, and a illegal alien went into a bar. The bartender then said "Hello Mr. President".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 02, 2013, 06:18:14 PM
Red Neck Stew
 
The US Department of the Interior had to change the wording on the metal bands they used to tag migratory birds. Seems these bands used to have the address of the Washington Biological Survey abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv." One day they received a letter from a hunter in Alabama:
 
Dear Sirs:
 Last week I shot one of your birds. It might have been a crow. I followed the cooking directions on the leg tag. Let me tell you, It was AWFUL!
 
The bands are now marked "Fish and Wildlife Service."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 03, 2013, 06:02:31 AM


                 8)   Nice JJ ; I got to get me one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 03, 2013, 09:47:32 AM
            Fishing with a hand granade!
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/184460.gif)
Through it! Don't drop it!-Dumb ass!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Mar 03, 2013, 09:49:33 AM
OMG.......  Rocket scientists...     :o :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Mar 04, 2013, 05:50:33 AM
They obviously didn't figure out the three second fuse, either  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Mar 04, 2013, 03:42:06 PM
Got me some rims and low profiles:

(http://whitetrashrepairs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/8208.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Mar 04, 2013, 06:14:24 PM
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/62451_558299770857705_661850267_n.png)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Mar 04, 2013, 07:12:08 PM
Funny stuff fellas. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 04, 2013, 11:34:41 PM

            Hillbilly Birth...
 
Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'
 
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think theres another one coming.'
 
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.
 
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems theres yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.
 
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, 'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 05, 2013, 04:02:37 AM





        Nice guy's  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 05, 2013, 10:34:12 AM


            Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
 
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
 
 
 
 
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Mar 05, 2013, 10:44:24 AM
haha good ones guys...

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 05, 2013, 12:46:40 PM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Mar 05, 2013, 02:02:02 PM
Redneck Door Bell..

(http://i415.photobucket.com/albums/pp237/raquettedacker/Raquettedackers%20album%202/reneck_doorbell1_zpsdc2e696f.jpg)

(http://i415.photobucket.com/albums/pp237/raquettedacker/Raquettedackers%20album%202/redneckdate1_zps12a64deb.jpg)

(http://i415.photobucket.com/albums/pp237/raquettedacker/Raquettedackers%20album%202/redneck20cell20phone1_zps36004e7a.jpg)

(http://i415.photobucket.com/albums/pp237/raquettedacker/Raquettedackers%20album%202/redneck_weather_station1_zps335c2326.jpg)

(http://i415.photobucket.com/albums/pp237/raquettedacker/Raquettedackers%20album%202/redneck_mailbox1_zps07443b43.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 05, 2013, 02:32:42 PM
like them all
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 05, 2013, 04:00:12 PM

                Great ones Dom! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 05, 2013, 04:52:23 PM



       Love them DOM   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Mar 05, 2013, 08:18:29 PM
I want the doorbell......lmao......lol.....make me one dirty old man
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: eyehi on Mar 05, 2013, 08:20:19 PM
Good stuff dom !
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 06, 2013, 08:24:24 AM


An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
 
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
 
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.
 
The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
 
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
 
"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Mar 06, 2013, 04:01:44 PM
(http://i267.photobucket.com/albums/ii311/phrotojoe/nra2-1.jpg)
(http://i267.photobucket.com/albums/ii311/phrotojoe/nra.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 06, 2013, 04:50:02 PM
Well said Joe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 06, 2013, 05:17:02 PM
Well said Joe



  X=2   Numbers nobody wants you to now about ...
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Mar 07, 2013, 06:29:57 AM
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought
he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand
times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
  28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.   
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Mar 07, 2013, 09:45:11 AM
Good stuff guys. I just got that one in an email Raquette. ;D


I was hunting up in Oregon once and became "Temporarily orientationally challenged". After a couple of days, I ran out of food so I shot a medium sized bird. Turned out it was a Spotted Owl. After I ate it, a fish and game warden found me and promptly arrested me for killing a protected species.

I was taken before a local judge where I pleaded 'Guilty" with an explanation. I explained to the judge about being lost and hungry. Fortunately, he understood and dismissed the charge. As I was leaving, the judge asked me what it tasted like. I told him it was some where between a California Condor and a Bald Eagle.........*
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 09, 2013, 07:18:50 PM

        (http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/securedownload-6.jpg)
        (http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/securedownload-7.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 09, 2013, 09:53:03 PM



                  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Mar 10, 2013, 07:27:56 AM
This was posted on shanty..  ;D
 
   (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JiYjgfp9GM)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 10, 2013, 07:40:09 AM
This was posted on shanty..  ;D
 
   (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JiYjgfp9GM)


  hehehe   ;D ;D 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 10, 2013, 07:53:22 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 10, 2013, 07:27:43 PM

            That's funny Dom. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 11, 2013, 06:00:47 PM
            That's funny Dom. ;D


 
  Did you find out what bait he wanted ; I say the yellow one think he is afraid  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Cornbread on Mar 11, 2013, 06:39:38 PM
The kitchen jokes never get old :)


(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/occupy-woman-kitchen-protest-best-demotivational-posters_zps3ba2f789.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/demotivational-posters-nice-try_zps1b4f97da.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/demotivational-poster-e5sh8r7edv-LOOK-OVER-THERE_zpsb4bb9034.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/demotivational_nid_1912_zps7d6dd2e2.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Mar 11, 2013, 07:12:05 PM
The kitchen jokes never get old :)


(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/occupy-woman-kitchen-protest-best-demotivational-posters_zps3ba2f789.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/demotivational-posters-nice-try_zps1b4f97da.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/demotivational-poster-e5sh8r7edv-LOOK-OVER-THERE_zpsb4bb9034.jpg)

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y27/AndyTheCornbread/demotivational_nid_1912_zps7d6dd2e2.jpg)

thems fighteng words cornbread......lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Mar 12, 2013, 10:17:22 PM
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/11718_620378144655374_1091781023_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Mar 13, 2013, 06:47:53 AM
this is a good one capt.........he tax tax tax our snacks snacks snacks
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 13, 2013, 09:03:28 AM

      He ran on the platform of CHANGE, & that's what he's doing changing America to a Socialist Democracy! >:(
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 14, 2013, 06:31:12 PM
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/11718_620378144655374_1091781023_n.jpg)







             ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: adkRoy on Mar 15, 2013, 03:27:37 PM
(http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y62/adkRoy/deer%20pictures/hunters_zps1ad9ba38.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Mar 15, 2013, 03:50:19 PM
Nice Roy lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Mar 15, 2013, 04:12:08 PM
Good one.... ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: The 3Ps on Mar 15, 2013, 04:53:52 PM
Know how to keep a blond busy for a few hours?...Just write please turn over on both side's of a piece of paper! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 16, 2013, 07:03:12 AM





         Nice one Roy  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 16, 2013, 07:17:35 AM
         
            That's it Roy, you got us all pegged. ha ha ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Mar 16, 2013, 11:00:43 AM
We still need paper  ;D : http://vimeo.com/61275290 (http://vimeo.com/61275290)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 16, 2013, 11:20:06 AM

          Good JJ, she put him in his place! hehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 16, 2013, 11:30:55 AM

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/securedownloadCA2V7XKK.jpg)                                                                                                  Now that's a big ass balloon!!!”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Mar 16, 2013, 11:52:32 AM
When I clicked on "NEW" the page went right to the last post and I could only see the top 1/3 of the picture till I scrolled down...... :o....... ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Mar 16, 2013, 12:11:04 PM
Good ones. :)

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship. Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good", said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.


Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."


They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."


Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Mar 16, 2013, 02:59:22 PM
(http://evolutionforum.info/yabbfiles/Attachments/head_up_your_ass2_002.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 16, 2013, 03:28:48 PM


             That looks like it might be a fun ride Jeff  ;  With all that hot air    ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Mar 17, 2013, 07:13:10 AM
Jeff,,,can't stop laughin,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,;,;,;;,;;;;,;,,
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: bucksnort on Mar 17, 2013, 08:15:32 AM
great stuff guys!! too funny!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Mar 19, 2013, 08:07:38 AM
Another one from my friend off FB.

(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/320107_456946454382996_1349921686_n.png)

Obama goes to a school to talk to the kids and to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions: First, why did you go to bed the night of the Benghazi raid and only talk to your cabinet one time when you KNEW Americans lives were on the line? Second, why are you President when we still have no clue where you were born? Third, what REALLY happened to all of the money you gave to green energy corporations that are now bankrupt? Fourth, if I don't do my homework I get punished ... why haven't you submitted a budget to Congress when the LAW says you were supposed to submit one by the first Monday in February?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, now ... where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question,Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions. First, why did you go to bed the night of the Benghazi raid and only talk to your cabinet one time when you KNEW Americans lives were on the line? Second, why are you President when we still have no clue where you were born? Third, what REALLY happened to all of the money you gave to green energy corporations that are now bankrupt? Fourth, if I don't do my homework I get punished ... why haven't you submitted a budget to Congress when the LAW says you were supposed to submit one by the first Monday in February? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what the heck happened to Stanley?"

This story was posted by, Tom Riley, at: www.facebook.com/tom.riley.39904

Thanks Tom!

~ Tom R.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Mar 19, 2013, 08:09:36 AM
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/securedownloadCA2V7XKK.jpg)                                                                                                  Now that's a big ass balloon!!!”

thats not a big ass balloon....thats the burning bush!  :o :o :o ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 19, 2013, 12:43:19 PM

thats not a big ass balloon....thats the burning bush!  :o :o :o ;D
[/quote]
            You're funny loony! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 19, 2013, 04:01:19 PM




               ;D ;D hehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Mar 19, 2013, 05:13:08 PM
im awesome like that 30 30 and greenie....lol just fell out of me....lmao
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Mar 19, 2013, 05:30:06 PM
This is close.  ??? Any volunteers?  :o ;D

(http://www.firstrespondernews.com/Resources/Pictures/News/Web/ArticleImages_Thumb/121012125-B.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Mar 19, 2013, 05:50:39 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/179088_628197863872834_798773661_n_zpsd266f0fc.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 19, 2013, 06:06:25 PM
so cute
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 19, 2013, 08:00:04 PM

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

 The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he 
entered it in the race again and it won again.

 The local paper read:

 PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

 The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity 
that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in 
any other race.

 The next day the local paper headline read:

 BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
 This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the 
Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

 The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby 
convent.

 The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the 
following headline the next day:

 NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.

 He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid 
of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

 NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

 This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the 
Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains 
where it could run wild.

 The next day the headlines read:

 NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

 The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion
 can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

 So be yourself and enjoy life.

 Stop worrying about everyone else's ass, "take-care of your own" 
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Mar 19, 2013, 08:03:56 PM
Always CYA. ;) ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 20, 2013, 03:35:36 AM



         ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 20, 2013, 07:11:08 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Mar 20, 2013, 10:58:46 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/392923_350416178397909_1512248474_n_zps8d9a36b9.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Mar 20, 2013, 11:38:24 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/390188_427978953954354_1871622894_n_zps86082a95.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Mar 20, 2013, 11:40:53 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/390188_427978953954354_1871622894_n_zps86082a95.jpg)

its call doescenties.....lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 20, 2013, 04:12:52 PM
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "No," the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says. "Oh," says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there." "Oh." A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!" And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 20, 2013, 05:32:29 PM



     Hehehehe   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Mar 21, 2013, 05:12:57 PM
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/551942_10200432774133565_469751276_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 21, 2013, 05:18:46 PM



                 OK I sure will ; that is WY I'm slicing one up right now    ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Mar 22, 2013, 05:29:28 AM
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/253709_10151325199971956_126558527_n.png)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Mar 22, 2013, 06:42:27 AM
hahaha that is a good one.

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 22, 2013, 08:20:31 AM
might get crowded
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 22, 2013, 05:15:53 PM
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/253709_10151325199971956_126558527_n.png)



    hehehe You got me caught with that one  hehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Mar 22, 2013, 07:00:11 PM
I saw a similar one with a box trap with a jug of maple syrup inside  ;)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Mar 22, 2013, 09:50:21 PM
I saw a similar one with a box trap with a jug of maple syrup inside  ;)

That's for short Vermonters. :o ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Mar 22, 2013, 10:40:42 PM
From a CT newspaper:
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/601318_4876075174893_293303526_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 23, 2013, 04:42:51 AM

            You know JJ Donald Martin is right, I have a rifle leaning in the corner behind my bedroom door, & it hasn't tried to kill me or my girlfriend once. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 23, 2013, 03:01:45 PM

     
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
 
 
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
 
 
 
 
 
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.
 
 
 
 
 
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: drobertsinMaryland on Mar 23, 2013, 03:31:05 PM
Funny stuff fellas.

Plumber camo. ;D
(http://i247.photobucket.com/albums/gg137/drobertsinMaryland/525380_10151469522753827_389079505_n_zps473a4c21.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 23, 2013, 04:37:49 PM
almost looks reel. nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Mar 23, 2013, 05:14:22 PM
Don't need to see the part that is real. ::) ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Mar 24, 2013, 06:15:15 AM
Rough translation on the shirt is "more attractive than you think"   8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 24, 2013, 07:40:40 AM
That's for short Vermonters. :o ;D ;D



     hehehe I now I got those little short French legs  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Mar 24, 2013, 08:53:02 AM
     hehehe I now I got those little short French legs  ;D

 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Mar 24, 2013, 10:56:31 AM
So fitting this year.  ;D

(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/2785_460037217403104_1454462718_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 24, 2013, 11:17:09 AM




              hehehe     Boy I sure like that one JJ   ;D   I'd comment farther but I can't    :-X :-X
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Mar 24, 2013, 04:31:08 PM
(http://i431.photobucket.com/albums/qq34/hesseltine32/8A03D92E-84AD-438C-89FD-6C6E77B436B1-6465-000005253F01E386_zpse73dd933.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 25, 2013, 04:12:24 AM





            ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Mar 25, 2013, 07:29:04 AM
(http://i431.photobucket.com/albums/qq34/hesseltine32/3FAB1767-74EC-4014-8D78-BB8C23C3C14E-6988-000005ECD6BFE0DE_zpsb84ac8d4.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Mar 26, 2013, 06:39:16 PM
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/484736_523475277690713_108649138_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Mar 27, 2013, 06:19:47 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/601112_466645426741930_1728656778_n_zpsdd9ec184.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 27, 2013, 06:12:35 PM




                 ;D   ;D   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Mar 27, 2013, 07:30:14 PM
(http://i431.photobucket.com/albums/qq34/hesseltine32/09A9B80C-9683-44F7-B25F-CCDA4ED36D93-9046-000007736607BF4E_zps0fffbd54.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Apr 05, 2013, 05:52:51 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/537164_454310084643276_1967632722_n_zps53c94382.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Apr 05, 2013, 09:48:26 AM
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem? The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that.

When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep.

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.

I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 05, 2013, 03:45:35 PM



       hehehe    Nice     ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Apr 05, 2013, 03:56:45 PM
lol that is steriotypically bad.........................lmao
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 06, 2013, 01:15:34 PM

   An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Apr 06, 2013, 01:34:25 PM
Good one.... ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Apr 06, 2013, 02:28:02 PM
Haha good one 30-30
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 06, 2013, 05:26:06 PM



                     :) :)  Nice   Jeff
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Apr 06, 2013, 05:49:30 PM
A Cowboy was going deer hunting.. His blonde wife said she was going with him.. That they never did anything together.. So, they went.. He put her in a stand by herself..
Later in the morning he heard her shoot.. He went over to her stand and she was pointing her rifle at a guy with a cowboy hat on..

The guy was telling her, Mamm, you can have the deer you shot.. I just want to take my saddle off of him!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 07, 2013, 05:31:57 PM

      Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 07, 2013, 06:00:32 PM
nice 8) 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 08, 2013, 11:35:31 PM

         Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, he left. As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 09, 2013, 04:19:33 AM




           ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Apr 09, 2013, 11:11:14 AM
Nice 30-30 lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 11, 2013, 09:20:50 PM
A blonde goes into a near by store and asks the clerk if she can buy the T.V. in the corner. The store clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day and asks the same thing, and again he said he doesn't serve blondes.
 
Frustrated, the blonde goes back home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
 
Sure the clerk would sell her the T.V. by now, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
 
To her astonishment, this clerk also says she doesn't serve blondes as well.
 
The blond asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I'm a blonde?"
 
The clerk looks at her and says, "That's not a T.V.- it's a microwave
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 12, 2013, 04:05:38 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 12, 2013, 03:37:07 PM

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked,"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!  I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.

That's against the law!  I'll lose my license!  They'll throw both of us in jail!

All kinds of bad things will happen.   Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different.  You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Apr 12, 2013, 03:38:22 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Apr 12, 2013, 04:52:30 PM
Haha  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Apr 12, 2013, 06:46:43 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/559584_350529165048431_44158385_n_zpsa09899b3.jpg) (http://s33.photobucket.com/user/newell-34/media/Comic%20Relief/559584_350529165048431_44158385_n_zpsa09899b3.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Apr 12, 2013, 06:59:50 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/554990_612785302083812_1985028416_n_zps01b87750.jpg) (http://s33.photobucket.com/user/newell-34/media/Comic%20Relief/554990_612785302083812_1985028416_n_zps01b87750.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 13, 2013, 08:10:32 AM


              ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Apr 13, 2013, 11:34:18 AM
Nice duck hunter
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Apr 14, 2013, 11:37:40 AM
http://youtu.be/I03UmJbK0lA (http://youtu.be/I03UmJbK0lA)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 14, 2013, 04:01:00 PM

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 15, 2013, 03:14:47 AM
During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand." "That's right, Coach," replied the lineman. "But, she's much better!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 15, 2013, 04:01:46 AM
hehe      ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Apr 15, 2013, 12:33:26 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/554990_612785302083812_1985028416_n_zps01b87750.jpg) (http://s33.photobucket.com/user/newell-34/media/Comic%20Relief/554990_612785302083812_1985028416_n_zps01b87750.jpg.html)

That's funny. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 15, 2013, 08:05:16 PM


                  Golf  Panties....

The Swede's wife steps up  to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind  blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

 

'Goodness,  woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.

'Well' she said, 'you don't give  me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede  immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency,  here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some  underwear..'

 

Next,  the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also  blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary,  woman! You've no knickers Why not?'

 

She replies,  'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

 

Patrick reaches into  his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy  yourself some underwear"!

 

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife  bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she,  too, is naked under it.

 

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus,  Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna  give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

 

The Scotsman reaches  into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb....  Tidy yerself up a bit.'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Apr 16, 2013, 05:48:35 AM
Haha that's a good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 16, 2013, 04:02:52 PM


A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island.

 After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds. The breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

 As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

 But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

 A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze. Perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those "feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

 Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

 He said, "take the dog for a walk."
 


 


 


 


 


 



 

 

 
 
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 16, 2013, 04:25:40 PM
Like it. :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 16, 2013, 05:17:28 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Apr 16, 2013, 07:45:17 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/537995_10151544259702365_421349032_n_zpsc1582fd8.jpg) (http://s33.photobucket.com/user/newell-34/media/Comic%20Relief/537995_10151544259702365_421349032_n_zpsc1582fd8.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 17, 2013, 08:02:29 AM
nice. :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 17, 2013, 03:31:56 PM
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single
hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing
respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their
playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the
wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser,
picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle,
don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever
meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door,
the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Apr 17, 2013, 05:10:15 PM
HOW TO TELL TIME IN ITALIAN...      ::) ::) 8) 8)
 

  
 (http://youtu.be/mHyRCeKxhss)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 17, 2013, 05:20:04 PM
HOW TO TELL TIME IN ITALIAN...      ::) ::) 8) 8)
 

  
 (http://youtu.be/mHyRCeKxhss)
             Now that's funny! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 17, 2013, 05:23:48 PM
HOW TO TELL TIME IN ITALIAN...      ::) ::) 8) 8)
 

  
 (http://youtu.be/mHyRCeKxhss)
;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Apr 17, 2013, 06:29:37 PM
Hahahahah that was awesome.

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Apr 17, 2013, 06:31:54 PM
That's funny right there
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Apr 17, 2013, 06:36:54 PM
lol lol italian clock
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 18, 2013, 01:44:40 PM
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.


 The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.


 At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 18, 2013, 04:59:47 PM
ok  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 19, 2013, 05:59:22 PM




 








The Gay Cowboy...
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.


For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick
up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.


Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."


He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.


"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."


(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)
 
 

 















 
   









Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Apr 19, 2013, 06:28:48 PM
Haha  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 21, 2013, 07:39:31 PM
             A young man tutored his sweetheart math,
 he thought of it as his mission,
 he kissed her once then once again and said
 "There, that's addition!"
 She took it upon herself to return the pleasant action,
 she kissed once and once again,
 smiled and said "and that's subtraction!"
 Now she'd learned the basics without too much complication,
 they kissed each other once, then twice,
 and said "that must be multiplication!"
 Meanwhile the young lady's father
 had this 'lesson' in his vision,
 he kicked that boy ten foot out the door and said
 "Then that is long division!"

Read more: http://www.ajokeaday.com/ChisteDelDia.asp#ixzz2R9FB8WRu
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 22, 2013, 03:57:16 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Apr 23, 2013, 11:19:21 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/44307_610118932348743_1889880291_n_zps77ee74d2.jpg) (http://s33.photobucket.com/user/newell-34/media/Comic%20Relief/44307_610118932348743_1889880291_n_zps77ee74d2.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 23, 2013, 05:55:08 PM



I'm ready    ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 23, 2013, 06:36:06 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/44307_610118932348743_1889880291_n_zps77ee74d2.jpg) (http://s33.photobucket.com/user/newell-34/media/Comic%20Relief/44307_610118932348743_1889880291_n_zps77ee74d2.jpg.html)
              Only on camera it is! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 23, 2013, 08:10:48 PM

       Bill and Hillary Clinton go to a Yankees game together. They had VIP seats in the first row. All of a sudden, a secret service agent comes up to Bill and whispers in his ear. A few seconds later, Bill grabs Hillary and throws her out onto the field! The SS agent comes running back to Bill and says, "Mr. President, sir, I think you misunderstood me. I said throw out the first pitch."

   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Stuck-on-Seven on Apr 23, 2013, 08:23:24 PM
A man is sunbathing on a nude beach when he sees a little girl coming, he quickly covers up with a towel. The little girl walks up and asks "Whats underneath the towel Mr." He replies "it's my pet bird" the little girl gives him a confused look and walks away. The man decides to take a little nap, when he wakes up he's in the hospital and the little girl is in his hospital room. He asks her "What happened to me, why am I in here?" The little girl replies, "Well while you were asleep I decided to check out your pet bird, and that was the nastiest, ungliest bird I've ever seen so I crushed its eggs, snapped its neck and lit its nest on fire!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 23, 2013, 08:28:03 PM
The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet.

 The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

 "That's OK with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire."

 About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.

 "What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.

 "Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"

 "Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts.

 He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.

 "Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.

 A huge redneck, about 6'-8," steps forward, a shotgun in his hand. "I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"

 The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 24, 2013, 03:53:15 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 24, 2013, 05:49:45 AM
 LAUGHED SO HARD I COULDN'T BREATHE!!!!

 After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

 Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

 Dear Mrs. Woolf,

 Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
 minute intervals.

 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
 women's restroom.

 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
 voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
 chips.

 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
 children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
 crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
 Emergency Medics were called.

 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

 10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

 11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
 humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
 through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

 And last, but not least:

 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
 awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
 here.'

 One of the Staff passed out.

 I wonder if I'll have to go along on many more shopping trips?













Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 24, 2013, 06:23:36 AM
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better.



2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.



3. F***ing refreshes you.



4. After F***ing don't eat too much; go for more liquids.



5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level.



SO, REMEMBER ...



6. FISHING is good for your health and soul,
And may the Good Lord cleanse your FILTHY Mind!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: PSC13 on Apr 24, 2013, 08:28:26 AM
Haha good one 30-30 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 24, 2013, 06:14:20 PM

 

       hahahaah   You hit that  right on that one 30/30 , But I even found out from a 74 year old guy that it still get's
       R*** K Hard   So that means you still have a few more years a head of you old man     ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Buck Chaser on Apr 25, 2013, 05:48:26 AM


       hahahaah   You hit that  right on that one 30/30 , But I even found out from a 74 year old guy that it still get's
       R*** K Hard   So that means you still have a few more years a head of you old man     ;D ;D ;D ;D
That's way to much info!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: OTIS on Apr 25, 2013, 07:54:08 AM
Number 1, randomly putting condom and tampon boxes in other peoples shopping carts, has been a looooooong time favorite of mine.  Especially when I get to see them check out... 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 26, 2013, 05:39:06 AM

               
The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.

Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were  unable to make it to service because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe..."

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 27, 2013, 05:51:36 AM
hehehe  Jeff   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Apr 30, 2013, 12:17:46 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/321350_10151612021397931_1865270104_n_zps1e564c99.jpg) (http://s33.photobucket.com/user/newell-34/media/Comic%20Relief/321350_10151612021397931_1865270104_n_zps1e564c99.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Apr 30, 2013, 04:01:22 PM
Haha nice duck hunter
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 30, 2013, 05:42:29 PM





                       ;D ;D  Nice Nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on May 01, 2013, 09:51:36 PM
GLOVERSVILLE — Sno Cone Joe has been harassing rival Mr. Ding-A-Ling, city police say...This was in the local paper today......hunts2long
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 02, 2013, 04:03:49 AM



    hehehe   It must be Mr. Sno Joes turn selling Snow cones being so nice out ; Must have thought nobody wanted Ring Dings     ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on May 02, 2013, 06:06:28 AM
Just saw that on the news too ::).
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on May 02, 2013, 09:06:37 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/270851_10152781043575273_69407229_n_zpsb4566693.png) (http://s33.photobucket.com/user/newell-34/media/Comic%20Relief/270851_10152781043575273_69407229_n_zpsb4566693.png.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 02, 2013, 12:11:26 PM

        (http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/thCAC9ZSND.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/thCAC9ZSND.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 02, 2013, 05:54:24 PM





               You sure I'd shoot and ask ????     Later Jeff   ;D ;D               
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on May 03, 2013, 12:46:38 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/11829_10151567106733486_85262369_n_zps2cc30c2c.jpg) (http://s33.photobucket.com/user/newell-34/media/Comic%20Relief/11829_10151567106733486_85262369_n_zps2cc30c2c.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 03, 2013, 02:43:30 PM

          I see a lot of pain when she pulls the trigger! ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 03, 2013, 05:34:14 PM
          I see a lot of pain when she pulls the trigger! ::)
   X-2    ButI sure would like helping her out before she did  :P :P
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 03, 2013, 05:55:10 PM
Two avid hunters take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air.
 Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost.
 One says to the other, "What shall we do?"
 The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us.
 He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help.
 What shall we do? Fire off three more shots. So he does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?"
 The other says, "I guess not... I only have two arrows left...

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on May 03, 2013, 08:39:00 PM
Two avid hunters take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air.
 Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost.
 One says to the other, "What shall we do?"
 The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us.
 He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help.
 What shall we do? Fire off three more shots. So he does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?"
 The other says, "I guess not... I only have two arrows left...
HA HA LOL!! I gotta remember that one!!  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 04, 2013, 05:40:40 AM
hehehe     ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 04, 2013, 06:34:32 AM

         Two Irishmen were walking down the street with two salmon each under their arms. Two other Irishmen walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky fishermen and ask ” how did you catch those ?” Well its like this! Michael here holds my legs over the bridge, and I grab the salmon as they swim up the river. We got four salmon A great days fishing! So the fishless pair look at each other and agree to give it a try. They get to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend “hold my legs now Paddy”. Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when he suddenly cries.. “pull me up, pull me up!!” Paddy asks ” do you have a fish Sean?”………… No replies Sean, “there’s a bloody train coming!!!!!!!!”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 04, 2013, 07:10:50 AM



           ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on May 04, 2013, 10:11:20 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5xhcCOVpJY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5xhcCOVpJY)

Thought of CP when I saw this.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 06, 2013, 06:02:17 AM

        Reasons Why Boats Are Better Than Women:

 Boats only need their fluids changed every year.

 Boats curves never sag.

 Boats last longer.

 Boats don't get pregnant.

 You can ride a Boat any time of the month.

 Boats don't have parents.

 Boats don't whine unless something is really wrong.

 You can share your Boat with your friends.

 If your Boat makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.

 You only need to get a new belt for your Boat when the old one is really worn.

 If your Boat smokes, you can do something about it.

 Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have ridden.

 When riding, you and your Boat both arrive at the same time.

 Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have.

 Boats don't mind if you look at other Boats, or if you buy Boating magazines.

 If your Boat is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.

 You can have a beer while riding your Boat.

 You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Boat.

 You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Boat.

 You don't have to convince your Boat that you're a Boater and that you think that all Boats are equals.

 If you say bad things to your Boat, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.

 You can ride a Boat as long as you want and it won't get sore.

 Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Boat after you dump it.

 Boats always feel like going for a ride.

 Boats don't insult you if you are a bad boater.

 Boats don't care if you are late.

 You don't have to take a shower before riding your Boat.

 It's always ok to use tie downs on your Boats.

 If your Boat doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

 You can't get diseases from a Boat you don't know very well
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 06, 2013, 05:46:07 PM



       ;D ;D ;D    Very very true
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 07, 2013, 06:20:06 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1MASsKbWQs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1MASsKbWQs)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on May 07, 2013, 08:24:34 AM
Very true
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: peddler on May 07, 2013, 09:26:55 AM
GMH..... What do you get when you insert DNA into a Goat?













Banned from the petting zoo!!!

Peddler  8) 8) 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on May 07, 2013, 10:05:21 AM
GMH..... What do you get when you insert DNA into a Goat?

 Haha ;D




 






Banned from the petting zoo!!!

Peddler  8) 8) 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 08, 2013, 04:01:09 AM
GMH..... What do you get when you insert DNA into a Goat?













Banned from the petting zoo!!!

Peddler  8) 8) 8)


         Hahaha            Dang Santa's Village in 2 weeks  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on May 08, 2013, 07:42:22 AM
Good one STKA!!  ;D  That could be made for iceshanty.com too!!  :P
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 08, 2013, 05:03:18 PM
Good one STKA!!  ;D  That could be made for iceshanty.com too!!  :P



    X-2   That is just what a few of them need not mentioning any names
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 09, 2013, 04:53:29 AM
    A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, a couple of pellets going right through the p..nis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.

 When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."

 The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?"
 "No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eyes."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on May 09, 2013, 07:10:16 AM
nice :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 09, 2013, 04:27:24 PM
A turkey was chatting with a bull.

 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.

 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

 The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

 The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

 Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

 He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

 Moral of the story:
 Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..:D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 09, 2013, 04:55:29 PM
   


           ;D ;D ;D  hehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on May 10, 2013, 07:58:49 AM
A turkey was chatting with a bull.

 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.

 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

 The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

 The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

 Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

 He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

 Moral of the story:
 Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..:D

That one is awesome 30-30.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 10, 2013, 10:12:17 AM
That one is awesome 30-30.
            Thanks, I try to please! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 10, 2013, 04:20:59 PM



                 I think they looking to cross Br**d       ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 11, 2013, 09:50:39 AM
http://ls1tech.com/forums/texas-members/1396525-arrogance-authority-funny-story-joke.html (http://ls1tech.com/forums/texas-members/1396525-arrogance-authority-funny-story-joke.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on May 11, 2013, 11:01:51 AM
That's a good one 30-30
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 11, 2013, 12:46:37 PM
Nice Jeff   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 11, 2013, 04:48:01 PM

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay! " and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on May 12, 2013, 06:22:11 AM
My Beagle will sit on anything.
(http://i267.photobucket.com/albums/ii311/phrotojoe/100_4665.jpg) (http://s267.photobucket.com/user/phrotojoe/media/100_4665.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 12, 2013, 06:36:09 AM
Hehehe   he just finished mowing the lawn  ;)  Where was you while he was mowing ; Nice Joe  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on May 12, 2013, 08:51:05 AM
Haha  nice joe. How old is your beagle ?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 12, 2013, 10:44:26 AM

        All he needs is a can of beer & he's on his way. Cute pic! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 12, 2013, 12:05:54 PM
The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and none could dispute that. But then he said they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from it’s feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber bullet it was that killed the animal.

 The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

 They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "ringbrook." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

 They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion. Shot with a .416 rifle." He was right again.

 Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

 The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

 His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on May 12, 2013, 12:26:55 PM
Haha that's a good one  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on May 12, 2013, 01:18:27 PM
He's 12 and the beverage holder is mounted on the left side too..!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 12, 2013, 02:51:36 PM
Hahaha good one Jeff    ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 12, 2013, 05:54:19 PM
He's 12 and the beverage holder is mounted on the left side too..!!
            Well 12 in people yrs. vs. dog yrs. he's old enough to have a cold 1 while mowing the lawn. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on May 12, 2013, 06:48:29 PM
I like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on May 12, 2013, 09:14:58 PM
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/936548_447988895290003_64092311_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 13, 2013, 04:18:09 AM
hehehe    ;D ;D  Somebody might grab that    8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 13, 2013, 05:04:59 AM

            That's funny! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 13, 2013, 06:19:14 PM
A 110-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
      "I've never felt better," he replies. I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child.  What do you think about that?"
      The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Let me tell you a story.  I know a guy who's an avid hunter.  He never misses a season but one day he's in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him.  He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and BAM! the beaver drops dead in front of him."
      That's impossible," said the old man in disbelief, "someone else must have shot that beaver!"
      "Exactly", said the doctor.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 14, 2013, 03:56:09 AM
hehehe good one  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on May 14, 2013, 07:19:11 AM
A 110-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
      "I've never felt better," he replies. I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child.  What do you think about that?"
      The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Let me tell you a story.  I know a guy who's an avid hunter.  He never misses a season but one day he's in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him.  He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and BAM! the beaver drops dead in front of him."
      That's impossible," said the old man in disbelief, "someone else must have shot that beaver!"
      "Exactly", said the doctor.

hahahhahaahahahaha...another good one 30-30.

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 14, 2013, 06:53:37 PM
On a hot summer day, a country bumpkin came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The bumpkin said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."

The bumpkin replies, "No way dog's in heat...she's cool kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree."

The policeman says, 'No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred.'

"No way,' the bumpkin says, 'dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'."

Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; 'NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!'

The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says,

"Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 15, 2013, 04:02:48 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 15, 2013, 04:16:41 PM
A little fella walks home from school every day, and on his way he passes a rail yard. One day when he arrived home he said "mom I have a question for you. I want to know why big dogs have little puppies and big cats have little kitties but big trains don't have little trains?" His mother replies "I think it's time you had a talk with your father, go ask him this question." So he walks into the living room where dad is reading the paper and asks him the same question. The dad responds "tell you what, on your way home tomorrow why don't you stop at the railroad yard and ask the engineer that question?" (thinking of course that the youngster will have forgotten all about it by then) So the next day our curious child goes into the yard and finds the engineer, and says "I have a question that my mom and dad couldn't answer for me and they told me I should ask you." The engineer says, "well, what is your question young man?" Says th boy "well, I'm wondering why big dogs have little puppies and big cats have little kitties, but big trains dont have little trains?" The engineer thinks for a few seconds, grins and says "sonnie, go on home and tell your folks that the Burlington Northern pulls out on time!!!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 15, 2013, 05:05:57 PM



   Hehehe  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on May 15, 2013, 05:39:27 PM
nice :D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on May 16, 2013, 07:22:02 AM
another good one 30-30-...

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 16, 2013, 08:15:29 PM
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

 "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

 "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti smoking campaign.

 "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

 "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

 "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

 "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

 "Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

 "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing! it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

 "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

 "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

 "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

 "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.

 "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

 "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

 "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

 "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

 "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

 "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on May 17, 2013, 07:26:23 AM
Wow...people say dumb things...haha

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 17, 2013, 01:31:24 PM

            They sure do. ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 18, 2013, 08:58:08 AM
A man is a person who, if a woman says,
 "Nevermind, I'll do it myself." - lets her.
 
 A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,
 "Nevermind, I'll do it myself, and he lets her - gets mad.
 
 A man is a person who, if a woman says,
 "Nevermind, I'll do it myself." - lets her and she gets mad - says,
 "Now what are you mad about?"
 
 A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,
 "Nevermind, I'll do it myself, and he lets her - gets mad.,
 and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" - says,
 "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 19, 2013, 10:25:04 AM
A Sunday School teacher, having trouble finding subjects to talk
about, was discussing with her class how Noah might have spent his
time on the Ark.
  A girl volunteered, "Maybe he went fishing."
  A boy countered, "With only two worms????"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on May 20, 2013, 09:11:46 AM
Good ones 30-30.

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 20, 2013, 08:03:18 PM
 
         You're going to get a few Noah's Ark jokes, I saw just the movie that was made in 1999, Noah's Ark w/Jon Voigt, so I'm on that kick for a while.

         
         Q: Did all the animals on the ark come in pairs?
 A: No the worms came in apples.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 21, 2013, 04:14:05 AM
nice   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on May 21, 2013, 01:29:28 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/268899_600976829914664_597637568_n_zps36252804.jpg) (http://s33.photobucket.com/user/newell-34/media/Comic%20Relief/268899_600976829914664_597637568_n_zps36252804.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on May 21, 2013, 01:29:50 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/487479_603867269625620_1470016660_n_zps41c245c8.jpg) (http://s33.photobucket.com/user/newell-34/media/Comic%20Relief/487479_603867269625620_1470016660_n_zps41c245c8.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on May 21, 2013, 01:30:21 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/485638_605554686123545_201610392_n_zps9b98aa76.jpg) (http://s33.photobucket.com/user/newell-34/media/Comic%20Relief/485638_605554686123545_201610392_n_zps9b98aa76.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on May 21, 2013, 01:31:39 PM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/600951_10151474179403074_2092664862_n_zps39ac3e25.jpg) (http://s33.photobucket.com/user/newell-34/media/Comic%20Relief/600951_10151474179403074_2092664862_n_zps39ac3e25.jpg.html)

(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/603783_600188573326823_999468308_n_zps80aaae99.jpg) (http://s33.photobucket.com/user/newell-34/media/Comic%20Relief/603783_600188573326823_999468308_n_zps80aaae99.jpg.html)

(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/922719_602729353072745_1854490001_n_zpsd4c994e8.jpg) (http://s33.photobucket.com/user/newell-34/media/Comic%20Relief/922719_602729353072745_1854490001_n_zpsd4c994e8.jpg.html)

(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/Comic%20Relief/945242_602327603112920_1620342645_n_zps820bdf7a.jpg) (http://s33.photobucket.com/user/newell-34/media/Comic%20Relief/945242_602327603112920_1620342645_n_zps820bdf7a.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on May 21, 2013, 07:58:10 PM
Good ones..... ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on May 22, 2013, 07:20:07 AM
Good stuff...

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 22, 2013, 08:28:21 AM

            (http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/TOO20LATE.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/TOO20LATE.jpg.html)
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/REDNECK20RELOCATE_1.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/REDNECK20RELOCATE_1.jpg.html)
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/OUTHOUSE20II.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/OUTHOUSE20II.jpg.html)
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/DENTURES.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/DENTURES.jpg.html)
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/BAD20FEELING20WEB.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/BAD20FEELING20WEB.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on May 22, 2013, 11:25:12 AM
good ones
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 22, 2013, 05:45:57 PM
nice hehehe 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 23, 2013, 04:53:26 AM
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/SAFETY20FIRST.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/SAFETY20FIRST.jpg.html)
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/EYEBALLS.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/EYEBALLS.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on May 23, 2013, 07:41:58 AM
Good stuff...

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 25, 2013, 10:05:42 AM
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/wind_chime.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/wind_chime.jpg.html)
redneck house boat
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/redneck01.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/redneck01.jpg.html)
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/redneck_house_alarm.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/redneck_house_alarm.jpg.html)

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/redneck_gingerbread_house.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/redneck_gingerbread_house.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on May 25, 2013, 05:28:40 PM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on May 26, 2013, 08:10:10 AM
Got this from the Roger Raglin Fan Page on FB.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/261771_598737006811881_1622278976_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on May 26, 2013, 10:21:29 AM
Got this from the Roger Raglin Fan Page on FB.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/261771_598737006811881_1622278976_n.jpg)

That's funny. I met Roger when he spoke at The Whitetail Classic in Lake George a few years back, very down to earth and a great storyteller.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on May 26, 2013, 10:34:25 AM
That's cool, he's one of the very few professional hunters I would have any interest in meeting.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on May 26, 2013, 08:18:09 PM
nice one. :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 27, 2013, 02:22:45 AM

         Teee Heeee Hee Steve. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 27, 2013, 06:06:00 AM
Nice one  Steve    ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 28, 2013, 04:57:55 AM

Hillbilly Medical Terms
 


Benign................What you be after you be eight.

 Bacteria...............Back door to cafeteria.

 Barium.................What you do with dead folks.

 Cesarean Section.......A neighborhood in Rome.

 Catscan................Searching for the cat.

 Cauterize..........Made eye contact with her.

 Colic...............A sheep dog.

 Coma...............A punctuation mark.

 D&C................Where Washington is.

 Dilate.............To live longer than your kids do.

 Enema.............Not a friend.

 Fester............Quicker than someone else.

 Fibula............A small lie.

 G.I.Series.........World Series of military baseball.

 Hangnail...........What you hang your coat on.

 Impotent......Distinguished, well known.

 Labor Pain..........Getting hurt at work.

 Morbid..............A higher offer than I bid.

 Nitrates...........Cheaper than day rates.

 Medical Staff.......A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.

 Node....................I knew it.

 Outpatient..............A person who has fainted.

 Pap Smear................A fatherhood test.

 Pelvis...................Second cousin to Elvis.

 Post Operative...........A letter carrier.

 Recovery Room....Place to do upholstery.

 Secretion.......Hiding something.

 Tablet..........A small table to change babies on.

 Seizure..........Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.

 Terminal Illness....Getting sick at the train station.

 Tumor...............More than one.

 Urine...............Opposite of mine.

 Varicose............Near by.

 Hospital............The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed
 warehouse or Franks lumber mill.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 28, 2013, 04:37:33 PM

            (http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/111.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/111.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 28, 2013, 05:04:14 PM
Hehehe   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 29, 2013, 03:01:33 AM

                 Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"
 "Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 29, 2013, 03:58:52 AM
hehehe nice  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on May 29, 2013, 07:17:57 AM
I like it
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 30, 2013, 04:32:56 PM
 mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

 Mother: "What does the cow say?"

 Child: "Moo!"

 Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

 Child: "Meow."

 Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

 And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 30, 2013, 05:06:54 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 31, 2013, 04:21:37 AM


                 Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 31, 2013, 02:48:18 PM
hehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: DeerReaver on May 31, 2013, 06:33:41 PM

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.  One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.  His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.  After along period of silence she finally speaks.  Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing.  Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.  Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't "
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: DeerReaver on May 31, 2013, 07:29:25 PM
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah . He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 01, 2013, 06:54:51 AM
Hehehe    Nice     ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Jun 02, 2013, 03:12:00 PM
Best thing I saw on FB in a while.


(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/945625_495657820504135_1896286791_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Jun 03, 2013, 07:43:02 AM
Haha good stuff guys...

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Jun 06, 2013, 07:58:40 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/389757_10152904545630515_1964638220_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 07, 2013, 04:06:45 AM
hehehe   Nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Jun 07, 2013, 07:07:48 AM
(http://www.myfishfinder.com/fishing_forum/Smileys/default/clapping.gif)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 08, 2013, 08:29:59 AM
One day God came down and said to three guys that the less you cheat on your wives the better the cars you'll get in heaven. So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes. The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari, then the third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley. Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong and the third guy said, "I saw my wife the other day" and the first guy said "yeah, so" and the third guy said " she was riding a skateboard"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 08, 2013, 09:41:46 AM
hehehe    ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 08, 2013, 10:09:28 AM
nice :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 09, 2013, 07:19:00 AM
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 09, 2013, 07:21:28 AM
hehehehe  :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 10, 2013, 04:57:18 PM
 newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 10, 2013, 05:58:26 PM
Nice, I like it. :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 11, 2013, 05:41:53 AM
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to pee in the boat."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 12, 2013, 02:59:42 PM
I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 12, 2013, 03:38:11 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 13, 2013, 01:04:50 PM
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

 The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

 The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

 The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?" ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 13, 2013, 02:10:36 PM
good one :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 13, 2013, 04:12:13 PM
Nice  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 15, 2013, 10:09:44 PM

           A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ...

 (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

 She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

 "Oh," she replies," that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing trip."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 16, 2013, 05:20:39 AM
hehehehe    ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 16, 2013, 10:59:42 AM
Parenting Humor


Fathers then & now
 Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

 In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

 Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

 Today, it's the size of his minivan.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.

 Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

 Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

 Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

 Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

 Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

 If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."

 Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

 Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

 Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

 Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

 Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.

 Today, he'll get a digital organizer.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."

 Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

 Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

 Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

 Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

 Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

 Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

 Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

 In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.


 

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: DeerReaver on Jun 16, 2013, 11:32:53 PM
 This should probably be printed on a card for men to carry in their wallet.

9 Words Women Use
 
( 1 ) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

( 2 ) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

( 3 ) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

( 4 ) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

( 5 ) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

( 6 ) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

( 7 ) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').

( 8 ) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...

( 9 ) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
 
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 17, 2013, 06:54:58 PM

              A young man and an old man were fishing on a pier.The young man started telling the old one that the night before he caught a trout that was over 3 1/2 foot long.

 The old man replied "Oh yea, well I was here 2 nights ago and I hooked something huge. After a 30 minute fight I finaly got it up and it was an old lantern and the thing was still lit."

 The young man said "Your lying. I can't believe that."

 Then the old man said "I'll tell you what, you knock a couple of foot off your trout and I'll blow out my lantern."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 18, 2013, 03:39:21 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lewk24 on Jun 18, 2013, 08:42:57 AM
Haha good stuff...

Luke
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 18, 2013, 01:20:07 PM

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a

BREASTED AMERICAN. '

 

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

 


3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

 


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

 


5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

 


6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

 


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

 


2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is


'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'


3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'


4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'


5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'




6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'




 




Life is short... forgive quickly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably...
 and never regret anything that made you smile




 



 -


Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections             
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Jun 18, 2013, 01:30:57 PM
OMG you kook
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 18, 2013, 04:04:41 PM
OMG you kook
X-2 I was thinking the same thing  :D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 18, 2013, 05:09:47 PM
OMG you kook
             I didn't write it, I just posted it. ???
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Jun 18, 2013, 08:23:24 PM
(http://i1189.photobucket.com/albums/z439/fishnmachine1/Tshirt_zpse586c8cf.jpg) (http://s1189.photobucket.com/user/fishnmachine1/media/Tshirt_zpse586c8cf.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 19, 2013, 03:43:16 AM
Nice one  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 25, 2013, 04:28:11 PM

                   A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl, is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the priest asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 25, 2013, 04:55:41 PM
I like it :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 25, 2013, 05:20:05 PM
Nice  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Jun 25, 2013, 06:07:50 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/998657_423445297769543_1011396270_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 26, 2013, 03:51:17 AM
 ;D ;D   We sure are  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 27, 2013, 04:25:01 AM

           A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 27, 2013, 04:31:44 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 01, 2013, 03:35:17 PM

           Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12 point buck. "Where's George?" one of the men asked, noticing that Sam had returned alone. "He's about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left him there 'cause I figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jul 01, 2013, 04:39:39 PM
nice :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 01, 2013, 06:32:42 PM
hehehehe   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Jul 03, 2013, 12:32:42 PM
OUCH!





(http://i431.photobucket.com/albums/qq34/hesseltine32/null_zps51bdf666.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jul 03, 2013, 01:02:17 PM
double ouch :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 03, 2013, 03:23:03 PM

           But he still has a seed in it's front paws, he probably can still reach the feeder! ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jul 03, 2013, 04:50:18 PM
Won't be long and he won't be able to reach anything :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 04, 2013, 05:40:40 AM
Yep that got to painful no wounder he don't want to move  :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 06, 2013, 04:05:33 PM

              A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 06, 2013, 04:26:59 PM
hehehe   :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Jul 15, 2013, 07:25:11 PM
Bear Encounter P.S.A.


http://youtu.be/tHrFqxRYr5A (http://youtu.be/tHrFqxRYr5A)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Jul 15, 2013, 07:39:12 PM
best advice so far!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 15, 2013, 08:19:50 PM

            Oh sure, a bear is attacking you & you are supposed to lay down & curl up in a ball & stay calm, can't happen! ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 16, 2013, 04:21:34 AM
Yea ok how many people going to do that
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: oneshott on Jul 16, 2013, 05:01:16 AM
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7132093/i-want-to-catch-a-big-striped-bass
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Deposit on Jul 16, 2013, 05:12:19 AM
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7132093/i-want-to-catch-a-big-striped-bass

http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7132093/i-want-to-catch-a-big-striped-bass (http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7132093/i-want-to-catch-a-big-striped-bass)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: dan_lais on Jul 17, 2013, 07:59:56 PM
at first im like this is kinda weird then by the end I was laughin pretty hard  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: oneshott on Jul 17, 2013, 08:05:10 PM
http://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play;_ylt=A2KLqIKHEuVRWDkADkz7w8QF;_ylu=X3oDMTBzMHZ1YnZvBHNlYwNzcgRzbGsDdmlkBHZ0aWQDBGdwb3MDMzE-?p=hunting+joke&vid=5927cd56a950b012994cbd4cdef867d1&l=00%3A56&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts2.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DV.4660027738885469%26pid%3D15.1&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.tudou.com%2Fprograms%2Fview%2FpKlovxjHPJ4%2F&tit=Eli%26%2339%3Bs+Dirty+Jokes+-+Moose+Hunting&c=0&sigr=11ftf9udt&age=0&b=31&tt=b (http://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play;_ylt=A2KLqIKHEuVRWDkADkz7w8QF;_ylu=X3oDMTBzMHZ1YnZvBHNlYwNzcgRzbGsDdmlkBHZ0aWQDBGdwb3MDMzE-?p=hunting+joke&vid=5927cd56a950b012994cbd4cdef867d1&l=00%3A56&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts2.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DV.4660027738885469%26pid%3D15.1&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.tudou.com%2Fprograms%2Fview%2FpKlovxjHPJ4%2F&tit=Eli%26%2339%3Bs+Dirty+Jokes+-+Moose+Hunting&c=0&sigr=11ftf9udt&age=0&b=31&tt=b)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Jul 17, 2013, 08:28:11 PM
http://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play;_ylt=A2KLqIKHEuVRWDkADkz7w8QF;_ylu=X3oDMTBzMHZ1YnZvBHNlYwNzcgRzbGsDdmlkBHZ0aWQDBGdwb3MDMzE-?p=hunting+joke&vid=5927cd56a950b012994cbd4cdef867d1&l=00%3A56&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts2.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DV.4660027738885469%26pid%3D15.1&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.tudou.com%2Fprograms%2Fview%2FpKlovxjHPJ4%2F&tit=Eli%26%2339%3Bs+Dirty+Jokes+-+Moose+Hunting&c=0&sigr=11ftf9udt&age=0&b=31&tt=b (http://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play;_ylt=A2KLqIKHEuVRWDkADkz7w8QF;_ylu=X3oDMTBzMHZ1YnZvBHNlYwNzcgRzbGsDdmlkBHZ0aWQDBGdwb3MDMzE-?p=hunting+joke&vid=5927cd56a950b012994cbd4cdef867d1&l=00%3A56&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts2.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DV.4660027738885469%26pid%3D15.1&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.tudou.com%2Fprograms%2Fview%2FpKlovxjHPJ4%2F&tit=Eli%26%2339%3Bs+Dirty+Jokes+-+Moose+Hunting&c=0&sigr=11ftf9udt&age=0&b=31&tt=b)

haha
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 18, 2013, 05:53:38 PM
hahahaha    nice oneshott    ;D ;D 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Jul 23, 2013, 06:25:07 PM
I would have used a good quality trail camera picture to have her face on the news. That would be better than anything the cops could do.

http://youtu.be/3tD4nmw1yZs (http://youtu.be/3tD4nmw1yZs)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Jul 23, 2013, 07:05:07 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Jul 23, 2013, 08:46:28 PM
they were talking about this last week on the radio morning show i listen too.  all the jockey kept saw was how chafed she had to be when she got done running when not whiping. 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 24, 2013, 04:10:41 AM
 ::)   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Jul 24, 2013, 09:02:07 PM
Here's a funny story about the "Libtards" as my friend calls them.

http://bearingarms.com/co-anti-gun-group-cancels-gun-buyback-due-to-background-checks/ (http://bearingarms.com/co-anti-gun-group-cancels-gun-buyback-due-to-background-checks/)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Jul 28, 2013, 08:00:44 PM
It's not the first time they shot themselves in the foot. If only we could get them to improve their aim....hunts2long
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Jul 28, 2013, 08:22:44 PM
Why you don't take public transportation
(http://i431.photobucket.com/albums/qq34/hesseltine32/null_zps74ac53d2.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Jul 28, 2013, 08:31:50 PM
Rofl! Do you suppose it's "his" first day with the new boob job ?  :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Deposit on Jul 29, 2013, 06:29:27 PM
LMAO ROTF... you have no idea how much I needed that laugh today. Had to pull over as my car engine was knocking terribly. No oil in the darn thing!!!! walked 2 miles to the nearest gas station as I dared not drive any further. The wife was with me so we both went. Got oil and then walked 2 miles back to limp the car home...you just made my day LOL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 29, 2013, 07:07:25 PM
OH YEA  :P :P :P :P :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Jul 30, 2013, 11:18:46 AM
   https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=511699612219908&set=vb.489159771140559&type=2&theater  (https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=511699612219908&set=vb.489159771140559&type=2&theater)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: countyboy on Jul 30, 2013, 12:01:02 PM
That's funny but had to be fake.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Jul 30, 2013, 12:01:54 PM
That's funny but had to be fake.


   Yeah I know..   But still funny..... ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: countyboy on Jul 30, 2013, 12:03:59 PM
I would have kept my clothes on though.Damn that must of been itchy,
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Jul 30, 2013, 12:27:52 PM
Haha that's pretty good
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 30, 2013, 04:55:14 PM

             He's a scary guy! ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Jul 31, 2013, 07:42:38 PM
(http://files.websitetoolbox.com/13095/1195020)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: peddler on Aug 01, 2013, 02:28:41 PM
(http://files.websitetoolbox.com/13095/1195020)

Like the Bambi Burgers!

 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Aug 01, 2013, 02:39:23 PM
That's Great--LLLL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Aug 03, 2013, 06:18:16 PM
 ;D


(http://tosh.comedycentral.com/blog/files/2013/08/damnimgood.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Aug 03, 2013, 06:19:55 PM
(https://sphotos-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1001715_570403639664614_1091250678_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 03, 2013, 07:16:50 PM
hehehe got a nice verity of sprays
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Aug 03, 2013, 07:26:19 PM
hehehe got a nice verity of sprays

I thought the same thing, this is actually probably better than my real shower head.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Aug 05, 2013, 05:20:36 PM
If your friends were like your pets  :o.

http://youtu.be/GbycvPwr1Wg (http://youtu.be/GbycvPwr1Wg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 05, 2013, 05:36:14 PM
hahaha Ooooh my god .....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Deposit on Aug 05, 2013, 07:01:33 PM
LMAO that is to true!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 05, 2013, 07:31:40 PM

              Strange! ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 05, 2013, 08:41:52 PM
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.

Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Ronald Reagan's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Reagan told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Obama's clock?" asked the man.

"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Enjoy the breeze!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Aug 05, 2013, 08:44:21 PM
Haha ain't that the truth
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 06, 2013, 03:35:35 AM
hahaha X-2  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Aug 06, 2013, 06:38:20 AM
lol....so true....lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 06, 2013, 07:49:49 AM
I like it ha ha.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Aug 06, 2013, 02:55:05 PM
(https://sphotos-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/998913_612592545440487_663255280_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Aug 06, 2013, 09:17:58 PM
(http://tosh.comedycentral.com/blog/files/2013/08/AlQaedaDad.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 07, 2013, 05:19:15 AM

             I like that 1, Steve. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Aug 07, 2013, 06:04:38 AM
Nice find Steve  haha
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Aug 07, 2013, 10:20:47 AM



(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/p480x480/9805_469546303129743_360418945_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 09, 2013, 09:31:18 AM

          Someone sent this to me, I thought I'd share!

                  http://therionorteline.com/2013/06/06/ill-never-stand-in-line-again-gen-stanley-mcchrystal-u-s-army/ (http://therionorteline.com/2013/06/06/ill-never-stand-in-line-again-gen-stanley-mcchrystal-u-s-army/)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 09, 2013, 04:29:51 PM
(https://sphotos-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/998913_612592545440487_663255280_n.jpg)
;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 09, 2013, 04:30:56 PM
(http://tosh.comedycentral.com/blog/files/2013/08/AlQaedaDad.jpg)
  I do love the shirt Steve  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Aug 09, 2013, 05:06:59 PM
I've been online searching jofbs for a while now, but I realized there aint no f in jobs  ;D.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 09, 2013, 05:12:01 PM
  I heard it is tough going up this way also       :-\
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Aug 09, 2013, 05:18:03 PM
My buddy at work is putting in his notice Monday. He's moving to N.C. for a much better paying job. I applied at the same company for another position.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 09, 2013, 05:20:40 PM
Can't believe it getting that slow around Albany & Schenectady
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Aug 09, 2013, 05:29:52 PM
Can't believe it getting that slow around Albany & Schenectady

There's jobs around, I'm still being a little picky since I have a job for now. I had a phone interview Wednesday, seemed to go well but you never know.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Aug 09, 2013, 05:38:20 PM
There's jobs around, I'm still being a little picky since I have a job for now. I had a phone interview Wednesday, seemed to go well but you never know.

What do you do for work Stka.   Reason I left New York more jobs and they pay better. Living expense is a little more here but still makes up for it.

And the deer hunting is a lot better  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Aug 09, 2013, 05:50:58 PM
What do you do for work Stka.   Reason I left New York more jobs and they pay better. Living expense is a little more here but still makes up for it.

And the deer hunting is a lot better  ;D

I'm an electro/mechanical tech, I work in the nanotech field now. I'm looking pretty much nationally for work but like I said I still have a job for a little while so I'm still not in full search mode yet. The Durnham area of NC does look pretty good for industry growth.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 09, 2013, 07:58:26 PM
I'm an electro/mechanical tech, I work in the nanotech field now. I'm looking pretty much nationally for work but like I said I still have a job for a little while so I'm still not in full search mode yet. The Durnham area of NC does look pretty good for industry growth.
              Say Steve if you move away, we can't meet out on the ice, :( unless you take a vacation and come back to fish. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Aug 09, 2013, 08:29:16 PM
Snowmobile still has less than 100 miles on it. I'd have to come back a few times over the winter to fish  ;). Never even got to use it on lake george yet and that was a big factor in why I wanted it  8).
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Aug 09, 2013, 09:09:27 PM
I'm an electro/mechanical tech, I work in the nanotech field now. I'm looking pretty much nationally for work but like I said I still have a job for a little while so I'm still not in full search mode yet. The Durnham area of NC does look pretty good for industry growth.
Not gunna lie I had to look up what it was I was clueless. From the quick skim I did it looks way over my head lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Aug 09, 2013, 10:18:42 PM
I basically do a wide range of things but cabling and fitting parts are a big part of it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Aug 09, 2013, 10:23:24 PM
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.

She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Deposit on Aug 10, 2013, 05:08:29 PM
Ouch!!! LOL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 10, 2013, 05:12:36 PM


And the deer hunting is a lot better  ;D

  That makes it a lot more worth wild  ;)     ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Aug 10, 2013, 06:00:54 PM
I didn't know if I should laugh or gripe with pain while reading that fishnmachine 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 10, 2013, 06:36:09 PM
hahahaha  hehehe   goood one fishnmachine  either way he going to hurt  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 11, 2013, 06:09:54 PM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: oneshott on Aug 11, 2013, 10:10:48 PM
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"

"You'll see", he replies.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.

"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."

His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a fucking asshole ..."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Aug 12, 2013, 05:24:45 AM
Haha  good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 12, 2013, 06:39:17 PM
hahaha  X-2  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: oneshott on Aug 12, 2013, 07:12:29 PM
Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 13, 2013, 07:18:10 AM
I like it. :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 13, 2013, 12:37:14 PM

                                                         The Bears
Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

 There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have sex."

 After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge for his humiliation.

 He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

 There was another tap on his shoulder. This time, a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex."

 Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate. Although he survived, it did take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

 He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

 The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
         
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Aug 13, 2013, 01:26:50 PM
whacked out that is....whacked out....makes me NOT want to bear hunt
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: countyboy on Aug 13, 2013, 01:32:01 PM
lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Aug 13, 2013, 03:17:19 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 13, 2013, 04:56:26 PM
whacked out that is....whacked out....makes me NOT want to bear hunt
              loony, there are only black bears in N.Y. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 13, 2013, 06:54:49 PM

                 
So, a 95 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After the ceremony, the couple arrives at the hotel and checks into the Honeymoon suite. All the other guests are laughing at the old man and betting on how long he will last that night. Nobody thought he'd last the whole night through.

The next morning she was seen clutching every hand rail in sight and then scratching and clawing her way down stairs. The clerk, who was quite astonished, asked her what was wrong. She replied rather breathlessly; "That old man told me that he'd been saving up for 75 years. I thought he meant his money!!"
 

 
 
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 13, 2013, 07:02:32 PM


                   Hahaha        ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Aug 13, 2013, 07:31:20 PM

2016 Democratic Dream Ticket

(http://i1189.photobucket.com/albums/z439/fishnmachine1/weiner_zpsbd40a33a.jpg) (http://s1189.photobucket.com/user/fishnmachine1/media/weiner_zpsbd40a33a.jpg.html)

My name is Barney Frank and I endorse this advertisement !
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 13, 2013, 07:54:49 PM

                    ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Aug 13, 2013, 08:33:28 PM
haha  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 14, 2013, 01:35:18 PM


                    A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 14, 2013, 02:38:06 PM
ha ha good one. :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 14, 2013, 06:52:06 PM


   Hehehe   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 15, 2013, 02:57:34 PM

          The Difference Between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
 Beer Nuts are around a dollar seventy-nine, and deer nuts are just under a buck
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Aug 15, 2013, 03:53:58 PM
Deer nuts also cost a LOT more....hunts2long
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 15, 2013, 06:38:02 PM
Deer nuts also cost a LOT more....hunts2long
  And are real taste to  :P :P
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Aug 15, 2013, 08:17:38 PM
(https://sphotos-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/535838_575136619191316_1646377892_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Deposit on Aug 16, 2013, 04:19:48 AM
Funny  8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 16, 2013, 06:13:43 AM
ha ha good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Aug 16, 2013, 06:25:39 AM
Nice Steve...
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 16, 2013, 03:41:01 PM

                           

Lil' Johnny Meets Barack!


  Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one

of the classes. They

  were in the middle of a discussion related to

words and their meanings. The

  teacher asked the president if he would

like to lead the discussion on                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   
      the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious

president asked the class for an example

  of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best

  friend, who

lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs

  over him

and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No,' said Obama,

  'that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a

  school bus carrying 50

children drove over a cliff, killing everyone

  inside, that would be a

tragedy."

"I'm afraid not,' explained

  Obama.

'That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent.

  No other children volunteered. Obama

searched the room. "Isn't there

  someone here who can give me an

example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at

  the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his

hand. In a quiet voice he

  said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs.

Obama was struck by a 'friendly

  fire' missile and blown to

smithereens, that would be a

  tragedy."

"Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you

  tell

me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to

  be a tragedy, because it sure

as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you

  can bet your ass it

probably wasn't an accident

  either."






 

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 17, 2013, 03:28:44 AM

               President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids.

After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.

"Walter," responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have four questions"

"First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?"

"Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually
gotten worse?"

"Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said
  that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?"

"Fourth, Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is
not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess.

Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right:
question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks
him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?”

"Actually, I have two questions.

First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

Second, What the hell happened to Walter ?
who was sitting next to me before recess”

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 17, 2013, 06:16:00 AM
ha ha Like it :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Aug 17, 2013, 08:26:17 AM
Haha good ones
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 17, 2013, 08:37:50 AM
hehe      ;D  Nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: oneshott on Aug 17, 2013, 09:55:39 AM
 One night during the local deer hunting season a police officer
was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI
violations. At closing time, he saw a deer hunter tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try his keys in five different cars before he found his. He sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. All the other deer hunters left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, and administered a breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.00. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The deer hunter replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 17, 2013, 10:10:18 AM
               
       Good 1, oneshott ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Aug 17, 2013, 12:26:12 PM
Haha good 1
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 17, 2013, 12:46:11 PM
Nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: oneshott on Aug 17, 2013, 01:13:33 PM
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening after the honeymoon he was assembling some gear for a
hunting trip.
His wife was watching him. She finally speaks.
“Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's
time you quit hunting, shooting, and fishing.

Maybe you should sell your guns, your boat and the motorcycle.”
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there, you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife? I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't.“
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 17, 2013, 01:45:50 PM
  haha   :) :) 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: oneshott on Aug 18, 2013, 05:49:35 AM
Floyd calls the local Sheriff's Dept. When someone gets on the phone, he says...

"Hello, I'd like to report my neighbor Bob. He's been drillin holes in his farwood and hidin marijana in em."

The next day, the Sheriff's Dept raids his neighbors farm and go out to the shed where he kept his firewood, They proceed to split each and every piece with axes, just to find nothing. So, with no evidence, they just leer at Bob and leave.

Later that day Bob gets a phone call...

"Hey Bob, it's Floyd, did the Sheriff's show up at yer place today?" Bob says "Yeah, they sure did. Said sumthin bout someun callin em sayin I gots marijana in my farwood. They split the whole lot."

Floyd laughs and says "HAPPY BIRTDAY BUDDY"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 18, 2013, 07:44:37 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 18, 2013, 11:02:35 AM


   Hahaha  X-2
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Aug 18, 2013, 06:38:37 PM
Saw this on another forum, wasn't sure where to post it, the fox looks shocked, too. :o ;D

(http://www.pbase.com/image/151865252/original.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: tubeslinger on Aug 18, 2013, 06:52:45 PM
LOL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Aug 18, 2013, 07:00:13 PM
 :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Deposit on Aug 18, 2013, 07:20:48 PM
LMAO!!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Aug 18, 2013, 07:48:26 PM
I saw this on archery talk. 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: oneshott on Aug 18, 2013, 11:38:14 PM
An Englishman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
..."If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The gentleman replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Deposit on Aug 19, 2013, 05:15:28 AM
 :o :o :o lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 19, 2013, 07:17:32 AM
like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 19, 2013, 12:08:51 PM

           Back in the old west, a stranger wanders in town and heads to the saloon. After ordering a couple of shots of whisky, the stranger looked around and saw there wasn't any women. He asked the barkeep " what do you guys do around here for companionship" the bar keep said see those sheep over there, well that how we satisfy ourselves. The stranger asked for a couple more whiskies. He felt enough nerve to go and grab a sheep and was heading up stairs. Everyone in the bar was looking at him in a weird way, but his craving for companionship told to go on. When he was done and coming downstairs  , everyone was still looking at him in a weird look. He put the sheep back in the pen and went to the bar and ordered another drink. The barkeep gave a drink and sort of shook his head in discuss. The stranger said to to barkeep "I thought you said it was alright to use the sheep" , the bar keep said " it is, but that's Black ;D Bart's girl"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 20, 2013, 06:34:42 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: oneshott on Aug 21, 2013, 08:06:04 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAq1Ml3PlGc (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAq1Ml3PlGc)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Aug 21, 2013, 08:08:29 AM
An Englishman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
..."If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The gentleman replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."


Ewe.........lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 21, 2013, 05:38:23 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAq1Ml3PlGc (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAq1Ml3PlGc)
  That is my type of weather  :) :)  I don't like the heat once so ever  >:( >:(
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 27, 2013, 03:11:56 PM


                   The only time a fisherman tells the truth is when he calls another fisherman a liar.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Aug 27, 2013, 03:27:20 PM

                   The only time a fisherman tells the truth is when he calls another fisherman a liar.

Haha
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 27, 2013, 04:07:08 PM
like it
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Aug 27, 2013, 09:10:38 PM
After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last
President to send a note to the new president. So when the note came from
Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in
code and all it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president
Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to
his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called
in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were
unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.. They
both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office. They called all of their
contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not
one was able to come up with an answer. A special emergency meeting was
called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence,
CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone
and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

George Bush chuckled and replied---" you're holding it upside down.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Wyoming Larry on Aug 28, 2013, 01:25:25 AM
I hate political crap but if I am going to make jokes about it I at least like to hit both parties.

(http://i250.photobucket.com/albums/gg263/LLLarsen_photos/1175447_159209004282616_1204989208_n_zpscc790c5a.jpg)

(https://sphotos-a-sea.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/p480x480/11168_632722466749622_1337984841_n.jpg)

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 28, 2013, 03:52:23 AM
hahahah  how true  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 28, 2013, 02:57:06 PM



                       http://www.wimp.com/roadblockprank/   (http://www.wimp.com/roadblockprank/)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 28, 2013, 05:50:31 PM
Hahahaha   now I know what you where up to around those man holes   hehehe  you sneaky thing you  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 30, 2013, 05:49:56 AM

                A hunter goes into a butcher’s shop and asks for a duck. ‘I’m sorry,’ says the butcher. ‘We’re out of duck. How about a chicken?’ ‘Oh, yes.’ replies the hunter. ‘And how do I tell my wife I shot a chicken
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 30, 2013, 07:17:47 AM
Ha Ha like it
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 30, 2013, 02:28:25 PM


    hahaha  Nice one      ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: oneshott on Aug 31, 2013, 06:40:52 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtZDDynIP50 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtZDDynIP50)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 03, 2013, 09:33:49 PM
                                   

Two Coffees in Heaven!



Having arrived at the Gates of
Heaven,

Barack Obama meets a man with a
beard.

'Are you Mohammed?' he
asks.

'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher
up.'

Peter then points to a ladder that rises into
the clouds.





 

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than
St. Peter,

Obama climbs the ladder in great
strides,

climbs up through the clouds and comes into a
room

where he meets another bearded
man.





 

He asks again, 'Are you
Mohammed?'

'Why no,' he answers, 'I am
Moses;

Mohammed is higher
still.'





 

Exhausted, but with a heart full of
joy

he climbs the ladder yet
again.





 

He discovers a larger room where he meets
an

angelic looking man with a
beard.

Full of hope, he asks
again,

'Are you
Mohammed?'





 

'No, I am Jesus, the 
Christ;

you will find Mohammed  higher
up.'





 

Mohammed higher than
Jesus!

Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain
his

delight and climbs and climbs ever
higher.





 

Once again, he reaches an even larger
room

where he meets this truly magnificent looking
man

with a silver white beard and once again repeats
his question:





 

'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is by
now,

totally out of breath from all his
climbing.

'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and
the Omega,

but you look
exhausted.

Would you like a cup of
coffee?'





 

Obama says, 'Yes
please!'

As God looks behind him, he claps his
hands

and yells out: "Yo, Mohammed, two
coffees!"





 

Keep your trust in
God;

your president is
an idiot.

 





 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Sep 03, 2013, 09:37:33 PM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Sep 03, 2013, 09:44:09 PM
 An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: NYSporty on Sep 06, 2013, 10:27:36 AM
Little Johnny and his Dad went on a hunting trip and he told the class" We saw a huge 18 point buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the a*shole," Little Johnny said. The teacher was mad, "Johnny you mean rectum," she said."Rectum, you bet it rectum, shot his balls clean off."

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club,
two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fire- place? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story. "Well," he began, "I remember back in '44', we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!......' I tell you, I just sh!t my pants." The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have sh!t my pants too if a lion jumped out at me." The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!' "
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Sep 06, 2013, 10:41:14 AM
both classics....lmao
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Sep 06, 2013, 10:50:37 AM
I really like the second one nysport just spit my drink on my phone laughing
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: oneshott on Sep 06, 2013, 03:02:04 PM
I really like the second one nysport just spit my drink on my phone laughing
Here is the video version:  http://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play;_ylt=A2KLqIBwNCpSoEMAAAz7w8QF;_ylu=X3oDMTByZWc0dGJtBHNlYwNzcgRzbGsDdmlkBHZ0aWQDBGdwb3MDMQ--?p=eli%27s+hunting+joke+videos+lodge&vid=5511a72e69c00b2de0386e1dd8846c62&l=00%3A55&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts2.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DV.4555694467779881%26pid%3D15.1&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D5hEG-JIyiJ4&tit=Eli%26%2339%3Bs+Dirty+Jokes+-+Episode+3+-+RAWR!&c=0&sigr=11aitj1g3&age=0&&tt=b (http://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play;_ylt=A2KLqIBwNCpSoEMAAAz7w8QF;_ylu=X3oDMTByZWc0dGJtBHNlYwNzcgRzbGsDdmlkBHZ0aWQDBGdwb3MDMQ--?p=eli%27s+hunting+joke+videos+lodge&vid=5511a72e69c00b2de0386e1dd8846c62&l=00%3A55&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts2.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DV.4555694467779881%26pid%3D15.1&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D5hEG-JIyiJ4&tit=Eli%26%2339%3Bs+Dirty+Jokes+-+Episode+3+-+RAWR!&c=0&sigr=11aitj1g3&age=0&&tt=b)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Sep 09, 2013, 09:14:44 PM
(http://i431.photobucket.com/albums/qq34/hesseltine32/null_zps1c06bc0a.png). My girlfriend sent this to me.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Sep 10, 2013, 12:32:17 PM
You want a good laugh, check this out. Funniest thing I've seen, well really heard, in a long time. ;D ;D ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN8YQVM1GQI (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN8YQVM1GQI)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 11, 2013, 07:51:23 AM
You want a good laugh, check this out. Funniest thing I've seen, well really heard, in a long time. ;D ;D ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN8YQVM1GQI (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN8YQVM1GQI)
                 You're JJ, that is funny, it would have been great if he had video of it. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 11, 2013, 08:16:22 AM

Seven retired Italian Floridian guys were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single-hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

 Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other six continue but standing up.

 At the end of the game, Giovanni  looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"

 They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be  gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.

 Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

 So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.

 The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

 Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

 "Tell  him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

 "I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.


 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Sep 11, 2013, 08:27:27 AM
Like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 12, 2013, 05:30:14 AM

                      [ Invalid YouTube link ]  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=lH-sUUfy6ik)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Sep 12, 2013, 08:18:16 AM
LOL!  That's all well and good, but a buddy once told me that when they do get established, the best way to get rid of them is to shave half the region, light the other half on fire, and stab 'em with an ice pick as they run across!  :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: bigb2004 on Sep 12, 2013, 09:02:14 AM
(http://i431.photobucket.com/albums/qq34/hesseltine32/null_zps1c06bc0a.png). My girlfriend sent this to me.
I have this on a shirt!  LOL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 12, 2013, 09:16:42 AM
LOL!  That's all well and good, but a buddy once told me that when they do get established, the best way to get rid of them is to shave half the region, light the other half on fire, and stab 'em with an ice pick as they run across!  :o
             What I heard was pour Vodka on the nether region, the fleas get drunk the sprinkle sand and they stone each other to death. ha ha
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 13, 2013, 02:10:19 PM
   Nice Jeff   ; Get a does of road  rash   hehehe     
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: oneshott on Sep 14, 2013, 05:32:49 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxS5M6bJVK0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxS5M6bJVK0)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 15, 2013, 05:02:11 AM

           Bert & Margret
   


Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over... "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue," she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.  Shoulda bought a hat."

 

         
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 15, 2013, 06:35:06 AM
 Nice  Jeff   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Sep 15, 2013, 09:51:28 AM
Like it jeff
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 17, 2013, 05:24:16 AM

       This one doesn't say much for N.J. hunters!

 couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
       
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Sep 17, 2013, 04:58:18 PM
(http://i.celebs.com/lt/000/074/303/74303.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Sep 17, 2013, 07:18:02 PM
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I like it!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 23, 2013, 05:49:56 PM
               

                    http://lolzparade.com/comedy/15-most-outrageous-redneck-fixes?page=5   (http://lolzparade.com/comedy/15-most-outrageous-redneck-fixes?page=5)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Sep 23, 2013, 06:16:44 PM
Nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 30, 2013, 02:57:30 AM
 
 
 
 
This is one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in a while.
Someone out there
Must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
 Wait till you see the last one!

It's going to be  hard to top because

It fits to a "T" 

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
 

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

 

AND FINALLY...

FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

 

*PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA

When you rearrange the letters:


"An Arab Backed Imposter"





 

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 30, 2013, 03:32:42 AM
 ;D ;D  hehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: bigb2004 on Sep 30, 2013, 12:39:48 PM
(http://i1133.photobucket.com/albums/m598/bigb2004/IMG_298663969965201.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Sep 30, 2013, 12:48:22 PM
Nices ones Jeff and bigb.  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Sep 30, 2013, 07:40:05 PM
You nailed it jeff..
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 01, 2013, 05:03:09 PM

             
She checked into a motel on her 70th birthday. She was a
bit lonely.


 

She thought: "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in
phone books for escorts and sensual massages."


 

So, she looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for
a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted
physical skills flexing in the photo.


 

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy
hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt
quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled
buns....


 

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give
Tender Tony a call.





"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" (Oh my, he sounded
sooo sexy!)


 

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed
right in:


 

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my
motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.
I'm in town and all alone. What I really want is sex. I want it hot,
and I want it now. Bring toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything
you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night -
tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream. Anything and
everything, I'm ready!! Now, how does that sound?"


 

He said, "Well now, that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you
need to press 9 for an outside line."












Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Wyoming Larry on Oct 01, 2013, 05:21:24 PM
30-30

I changed it to the 65th birthday and sent it to an old girl friend.   :) ;) ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Oct 01, 2013, 05:48:36 PM
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha......Wyoming that is hysterical....the joke is great but your response is so much better
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 01, 2013, 05:59:54 PM
hehehe  Nice Jeff , Nothing like a disappointment for her  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 01, 2013, 07:21:00 PM
30-30

I changed it to the 65th birthday and sent it to an old girl friend.   :) ;) ;D
             I got it from a woman in an e-email, her name is Charlotte.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 02, 2013, 04:15:19 PM

Deer season reminder -public service announcement

Deer season has started so I thought I'd better send out a reminder about What a Whitetail looks like!


(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/ATT0000111.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/ATT0000111.jpg.html)

No need to thank me, I’m just doing
A public service.


 


 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 02, 2013, 05:40:51 PM
And a fine public service you are doing.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 02, 2013, 06:05:53 PM




AT FIRST I COULDN’T SHOOT,

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/mime-attachment.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/mime-attachment.jpg.html)

 


oh-dear

And then I thought, ‘Hell - that's how I'd want to go!’

 
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 02, 2013, 06:08:11 PM
X-2   Oho such a magnificent job you are doing indeed Jeff  :P :P :P   :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 02, 2013, 06:09:45 PM
There is no way I could shoot either
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Oct 03, 2013, 07:47:16 PM
(http://i1173.photobucket.com/albums/r590/booboo3110/555358_484747961585859_1580968344_n.jpg) (http://s1173.photobucket.com/user/booboo3110/media/555358_484747961585859_1580968344_n.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Oct 10, 2013, 12:36:10 PM
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.

He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the

doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was
from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Oct 10, 2013, 05:11:26 PM
(https://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1385395_673024572708274_1568319144_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 10, 2013, 05:32:38 PM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 10, 2013, 09:27:22 PM









3 Holy Men & A Bear


A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.


They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.


One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.


One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion..


Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.


'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.


Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.


So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!


The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.


 

 
























Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Oct 10, 2013, 09:56:51 PM
LMAO!!!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Deposit on Oct 11, 2013, 04:26:16 AM
LOL that's funny
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Oct 13, 2013, 06:24:45 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsiayV5LuD0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsiayV5LuD0)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Deposit on Oct 13, 2013, 06:47:14 PM
LOL I love that movie.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 13, 2013, 07:02:09 PM
Love it
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 18, 2013, 10:51:35 AM
Alex was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?" Alex said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."

 The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So Alex replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."

 The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box??" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."

 The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."

 The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his drivers license and registration.

 Alex said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"

 Alex laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.

 The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. Alex agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.

 The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."

 Alex looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 18, 2013, 11:43:56 AM
like it
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Oct 21, 2013, 07:19:14 PM
Craigslist ad from the Heartland -


(http://www.brobible.com/files/uploads/made/files/uploads/images/Gear/cars/Screen_shot_2013-10-21_at_9.01.13_AM_640_442_s_c1_c_t_0_0.png)

1997 Jeep Cherokee  (XJ)
220K Miles
4.0 L in-line 6
4WD
AUTOMATIC Transmission
Bright Red
Straight Stock
Crank Windows, no cruise, no tilt, no delay wiper, no nonsense
POWER MIRRORS!  Woo Hoo!

$1750

Here's the deal, kids:
This is a Jeep Cherokee.  This is not a luxury SUV, or a maintenance-free disposable import.  It has solid front axles, wind noise, and character.
It's a Jeep.  It rides like a Jeep.  It drives like a Jeep.  All of these are GOOD things.
It is not new, it is not pristine, it is used.  This will be apparent in the pictures.


If you do not own a toolbox, have never changed your own oil, and are scared of firearms: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you have been posting on facebook all about how excited you are for pumpkin latte season: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you get offended easy and often, whine to your co-workers, and bitch a lot: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you feel you are owed anything in the world & have a bullshit job where you fail to produce: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you own a bieber album, white oakleys, affliction t-shirts, or those candy-assed stitched-pocket jeans: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you consider the 2nd Amendment an anachronistic relic and have never owned a firearm: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.


If, however, you have BALLS OF STEEL and consider adverse weather an excuse to do stupid s**t: THIS IS YOUR JEEP.
Do you laugh at danger, and tempt fate? 
Have you ever uttered the words, "Hold my beer and watch this ..."?
While bored at work do you pick targets at random and think, "I could hit that from here with the .22 ..."?
Have any of your friends quit hanging out because you were too much fun?
Do you have the number of a friend with cash memorized for bail?
When you pass an abandoned flatbed farm truck along a fenceline do you consider taking on another project?
Is your ol' lady really sick of the random piles of parts, greasy footprints, and empty beer bottles in the garage?
    -could you not care less?
Do you have Jalopnik saved on your laptop AND smartphone?
Do you own a service manual for every vehicle you ever owned?
Do you still miss your first ride?
Can you carry on a two hour conversation discussing tools, scars, and hi-lift jacks?
Remember when tool companies had the balls to put half-naked beauty queens on their calendars?
Do you consider the Prius an abominable affront to the Gods of displacement, torque, and All Mighty Internal Combustion?


If you answered in the affirmative to the preceding: THIS IS YOUR JEEP.

DETAILS:
-I am the second owner.  First owner barely got it dirty and engaged the front axles once.
-I have remedied this excessive caretaking with muddy roads and a pile of fun.
-The motor uses a little oil.  How much?  I don't know, I'm not collecting statistical analysis points. 
    I check the oil, I fill the oil, I drive.  Not enough to bother me. 
-It leaks a little oil.  How much?  Not enough for me to care.  It has 220,000 miles, Poindexter!
    If you have a vehicle with 220K NOT leaking or burning oil, it's empty!
-Rear bumper has a big-ass crease in it.  I dented it backing into a concrete pole.  Sober.
    We drove away giggling, for the record.  Haven't fixed it.
-Driver's side door was caught by the wind, whipped forward, got into the LF quarter panel.
-Radiator has a small leak.  Pinhole.  I can replace the radiator or you can.  Really doesn't matter
    A new radiator and hoses will run $145.  If you don't want to replace them I will. 
    Add $250 to the price of vehicle.  This includes radiator, hoses, and labor (beer).  A freaking bargain.
-The badass little 4.0L bullet-proof in-line six starts and runs like the proverbial champ.
-Tranny and 4WD operate perfectly
-Tires will need replaced in a couple thousand miles.  I haven't upgraded because I had plans:
    Had planned a small lift, upgrade to 17" Wrangler wheels, and more aggressive tires.
    Life got in the way - it ain't happening. 
-Zombie stickers on the right rear window stay.  My daughter's idea, take it up with her.
-Flogging Molly sticker stays as well.  They kick ass, so there. 

QUESTIONS:
-Why are you selling?
    I can't justify owning it anymore.  Motorsickles, kiddos, work, travel, and beer have consumed my time and money.
    Someone else needs to appreciate the Jeep for what it is:  awesome mechanical artistry.

-What's wrong with it?
    Radiator.  Small oil leaks.  Driver's side door cosmetic issues. 
    And it's pissed it has been neglected and parked.  It needs rescued.

-Does the 4WD work?
    Hell yes.  Like a Dickensian Orphan. 

-Will you sell me the [engine / tranny / rear door / axle / etc.]?
    No.  I'm not in the salvage business.  Buy the Jeep.  Love the Jeep. Give the Jeep a home.

-Will you take [insert ridiculously stupid low number here]?
    No.  If I wanted [ridiculously low number] I would have asked [ridiculously low number]
    Want a cheap car?  Get your kid that lowered tuner piece of s**t honda project down the road. 
    I think I'm plenty cheap for this bad mofo.

-Why is it still stock?
    Because I bought it for a daily driver with the intention of turning it into a project.
    I haven't had the time to do so.  So I am selling it.

-Can I put a 6" lift and giant tires on it?
    I don't give a s**t.  But be sure to use quality components and for God's sake - get it aligned after a lift!

-Would this make a good car for my daughter?
    Hell.  Yes.  Not only a good car, a learning experience.  Introduction to vehicular maintenance.
    Additionally, there isn't really enough room in the back for that little bastard she's dating to try anything.

-Can you deliver?
    Within reason.  I'd drive it a hundred miles or so.  But really, you should come get it.  Look it over.  Have a beer.  Etc.

-Will you take a check / cashier's check / Western Union Transfer / Nigerian Promissory Note?
    Would you take a ball pein hammer to the forehead?
    No.  I'll take Cash.  Period.  Bring cash or don't show.

-Will you ship to -?
    No.  See above.

-No, really, all I have is [lowball dollar amount]?
    That's great, I don't give a s**t.  Unicef ain't running this deal, and until they do I want $1750. 
    Why?  Because I don't HAVE to sell this little beauty.  Truth be known, I'd rather keep it.
    But if it's going to a good home - I will sell.  Unless you're an asshole - then no sale.

-Why are you such a dick?
    Everything is relative; you should see my friends.

Any other questions, feel free to reply to this email and ask.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Deposit on Oct 21, 2013, 07:31:05 PM
That was one of the funniest GD things I have ever read!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Oct 21, 2013, 07:32:28 PM
Great craigslist ad. Owned a few of those over the years. Wish they still were made like they were back then. Wonder if he would take $1700 and a six pack?....hunts2long
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: NYSporty on Oct 22, 2013, 05:59:24 AM
That is great. I will be using some of that material in my next CL add for sure!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Cornbread on Oct 22, 2013, 08:18:25 AM
There was a good one up here for an XTerra quite a while back but the Flathead Beacon preserved it in an article on their site: http://www.flatheadbeacon.com/articles/article/ninja_hauler_2005_nissan_xterra/7424/ (http://www.flatheadbeacon.com/articles/article/ninja_hauler_2005_nissan_xterra/7424/)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 29, 2013, 05:17:48 PM

     

Better than a Flu
Shot!

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint

sitting room.

She invited him to have a

seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young

minister noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water,

and in the water floated. of all

things,a condom!



When she returned
With tea and scones,they

began to chat. The pastor

tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful? I was walking

through the park a few

months ago and I found

this little package on the
ground.

The directions said

To place it on the organ,

Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

 




 

 




 
 





















































































Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 07, 2013, 05:41:11 PM

                  Send in the clowns

              
    (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osYZ1uZasN8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Chucker on Nov 11, 2013, 12:22:12 PM
(https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1422455_10151790219778182_71926072_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 11, 2013, 12:24:03 PM
like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Nov 11, 2013, 06:15:38 PM
Lol!   Laugh, and show your age....... ;)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Nov 11, 2013, 07:55:17 PM
Nice one Chucker, used to watch M*A*S*H all the time.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Nov 11, 2013, 07:56:06 PM
(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/581238_10201773245846793_281717009_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Nov 11, 2013, 08:04:20 PM
(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/581238_10201773245846793_281717009_n.jpg)

Nice one capt
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 12, 2013, 03:37:54 AM


A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 12, 2013, 04:15:06 AM
(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/581238_10201773245846793_281717009_n.jpg)
hehehe  x2 nice Capt.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: tubeslinger on Dec 12, 2013, 06:57:14 AM
Nice Capt JJ. Did anyone see the pics of him at a funeral?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Dec 12, 2013, 12:08:22 PM
Yeah I saw it. Miss O didn't look to happy.  What's better is they said one of the people doing sign language translation wasn't really doing it just moving his hands and arms up there. Today they said he spoke out about it and he said he's a skitzo and was hallucinating angles during it.   That's why he was off.   You would think these people that would be screened better with the number of world leaders he was standing next too.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Dec 12, 2013, 12:34:00 PM
Give the guy a break. He was told there was going to be a dummy up there, they just didn't attach the strings....hunts2long
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 12, 2013, 05:10:13 PM
hehehehe  Nice hunt2 long      :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 13, 2013, 03:18:37 AM

          This not real funny, but what some people do is amusing.

                    http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/magical-piano-amuses-and-annoys-chicagoans-214933754.html    (http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/magical-piano-amuses-and-annoys-chicagoans-214933754.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 13, 2013, 04:13:36 AM
hehe you never now ....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Dec 13, 2013, 01:04:44 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUIzoLpYkxk&list=LLWjSv3USukMBW0FLgNHXveg (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUIzoLpYkxk&list=LLWjSv3USukMBW0FLgNHXveg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 17, 2013, 03:35:10 AM

              From where I sit, Barack Obama is a"post turtle." What is a"post turtle" you urbane urbanites and city slickers might ask?

Well one day an old cowboy was out ridin' fence and he saw a turtle balanced on top of a fence post. When he got back to the bunkhouse he told the other fellas that he saw a "post turtle". They all asked, "What the hell is a 'post Turtle'? And he said it was a turtle settin' on top of a post! He then went on to explain that "you know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there and you just wonder what kind of dang fool put him up there to begin with!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 17, 2013, 03:58:25 AM
hehehe  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Dec 17, 2013, 07:37:34 AM
Haha good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: oneshott on Dec 30, 2013, 08:37:31 PM
A man was recently stopped by a game warden in northern Missouri. The fellow carrying two buckets of fish, was leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asks the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish? If you don't, I'm going too have to impound them and arrest you." The man replied to the game warden, "No sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" the warden replied. "Yes sir. Every night I bring these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. Then I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and we go home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you it really works." "OK I've got to see this" (he was really curious now) The man poured the fish into the lake and stood there waiting. "When are you going to call them back?" the warden prompted. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The fish" the warden said. "What fish?" the man asked
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 31, 2013, 04:00:49 AM
hehehe   Nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Jan 06, 2014, 05:46:43 PM
(https://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/994663_10153441069895403_2109721471_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Jan 06, 2014, 06:16:13 PM
(http://www.iceshanty.com/ice_fishing/Smileys/default/rotflol.gif)(http://www.iceshanty.com/ice_fishing/Smileys/default/rotflol.gif)   (http://www.iceshanty.com/ice_fishing/Smileys/default/rotflol.gif)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 06, 2014, 07:05:07 PM
like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 07, 2014, 03:26:18 AM
hehehe  I love it  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 07, 2014, 03:40:24 AM

              That's funny JJ.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Jan 07, 2014, 08:56:56 AM
LOL!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Jan 19, 2014, 05:31:25 PM
(https://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1/1013220_694352450585321_1473164782_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 20, 2014, 03:43:18 AM
hahahaha    Nice one JJ
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 20, 2014, 10:55:15 AM

        I wonder if Hillary  would repeat her words if this was true.

     (http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/ATT00003.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/ATT00003.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Jan 20, 2014, 02:31:53 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 20, 2014, 06:30:05 PM
hehehe    ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Jan 20, 2014, 08:22:03 PM
Good one guys.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 22, 2014, 05:01:59 PM

            What's the cheapest meat you can buy?


Deer balls, they're under a buck!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 23, 2014, 03:43:16 AM
hehehe   :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Jan 25, 2014, 11:29:55 AM
Never heard this before: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CS1ltXbTqsI (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CS1ltXbTqsI)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Jan 27, 2014, 08:58:54 AM
Lol! Do you suppose his buddies call that "Man-snort"?   ;D   ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Jan 27, 2014, 09:40:32 AM
Sounded like a grunt, snort ,wheeze....   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 28, 2014, 05:34:44 PM
Sure was a snort wheeze  ;  Herd that severe times myself threw the years  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Jan 28, 2014, 08:32:19 PM
Quote
FPS Russia (OFFICIAL)
Some didn't think my "how a 1911 works" gif was detailed enough, so here you go this is how it REALLY works-

(http://i.minus.com/icF03jobZ4M7T.gif)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 29, 2014, 03:26:35 AM
it sure is  hehe   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Jan 29, 2014, 06:21:20 AM
not legal in NY,,,little guys are going down !!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 29, 2014, 05:43:58 PM

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

 A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 29, 2014, 05:57:43 PM
like it
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Jan 29, 2014, 05:59:22 PM
LOL!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 30, 2014, 03:42:13 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Jan 30, 2014, 09:14:48 AM
Re-posting this, it makes me laugh every time: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN8YQVM1GQI&feature=youtu.be (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN8YQVM1GQI&feature=youtu.be)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Jan 30, 2014, 09:33:50 AM
Yup. Still good!!   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Jan 30, 2014, 02:20:00 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3N04Z3W4uc   (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3N04Z3W4uc)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 30, 2014, 03:00:10 PM
poor  guy. bet he won't do that again
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Jan 30, 2014, 03:26:38 PM
He's got plenty of insulation.....and buoyancy.  8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Jan 30, 2014, 03:44:31 PM
 
   (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaXjYkB7YTc)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Jan 30, 2014, 04:10:50 PM
OUCH.....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 30, 2014, 04:16:49 PM

          It's really not that funny, well kind of funny, he could have been seriously hurt. What a doomkauf for doing it. ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 30, 2014, 05:16:31 PM
owe owe  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Feb 08, 2014, 09:28:32 AM
(http://i431.photobucket.com/albums/qq34/hesseltine32/67B05DB4-73B4-4D5A-B34B-683CAA41CA05_zpsm1ayjlod.jpg) (http://s431.photobucket.com/user/hesseltine32/media/67B05DB4-73B4-4D5A-B34B-683CAA41CA05_zpsm1ayjlod.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 08, 2014, 10:01:33 AM


A man was telling his buddy "You won't believe what happened last night.
My daughter walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.  Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.  Then, disown me and never talk to me again.  Don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose."
"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that.  She actually said, 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend-- Mohammed.  We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!'"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Feb 08, 2014, 11:53:16 AM
He did hear that...
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Feb 08, 2014, 12:06:41 PM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Feb 08, 2014, 02:23:48 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 08, 2014, 04:44:08 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 09, 2014, 06:56:56 AM
I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers
have brand names such as "Luvs",  "Huggies," and "Pampers', while
undergarments for old people are called "Depends".
Well here is the low down on the whole thing.
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em,
Hug'em and Pamper em.
When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Feb 09, 2014, 07:11:16 AM
nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 09, 2014, 08:10:42 AM
hehehe  very true  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Feb 09, 2014, 03:35:06 PM
oh ya...
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: tubeslinger on Feb 09, 2014, 08:38:41 PM
lol Good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 11, 2014, 03:28:12 PM
One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:

 "Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Toronto and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city." Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

 When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Torontonian, "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Toronto. I'm coping it just fine."

 Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Torontonian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

 "This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Feb 11, 2014, 03:46:40 PM
A hockey joke, I like that one.  ;D Thought maybe he was happy to be going ice fishing.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 11, 2014, 05:20:35 PM
 :-\   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 12, 2014, 04:16:17 PM

                Three Wishes
A bear was out hunting, and while he was chasing a rabbit through the forest he fell into a stream. As he climbed out he noticed a toad on his back. The toad then said "My friends, you have freed me from an underwater trap, as a token of my gratitude I'll grant you both 3 wishes." The rabbits turn is first, and he says "A crash helmet" and so he gets one. The bear wonders why he wasted his wish and says "I wish all the bears except me in the forest are female" and so it's granted. For rabbits second wish, he says "I wish for a motorbike" And so, one appears. Again confused the bear says "I wish all the bears in the neighbouring forest are female" Again, the wish is granted. For the third wish the bear blurts out "I wish all the bears in the world are female apart from me" His final wish is granted. The rabbit slips on his helmet,grins, guns the engine and says "I wish the bear is gay!"
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 12, 2014, 06:13:23 PM


                 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 13, 2014, 01:34:48 PM


              A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm freaken freezing!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Feb 13, 2014, 02:05:46 PM
I'am freezing to. Hate this damn snow.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 13, 2014, 03:01:17 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Feb 13, 2014, 04:00:07 PM
I'm thinking about sun bathing tomorrow-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------just thinking...........
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Feb 13, 2014, 08:56:31 PM
(http://i1189.photobucket.com/albums/z439/fishnmachine1/facebook_-1030611215_zps65abcb4b.jpg) (http://s1189.photobucket.com/user/fishnmachine1/media/facebook_-1030611215_zps65abcb4b.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 14, 2014, 08:36:17 AM
Nice  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 14, 2014, 12:20:17 PM

                Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

 The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".

 Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.

 Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven.

 The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 14, 2014, 12:51:11 PM
Not going to be the same now always wanted to poke his belly to see if he would giggle for me as well , Going to miss the little guy  :'(
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Feb 14, 2014, 02:40:03 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 17, 2014, 04:16:13 PM
A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon.

When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15.

This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.

The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three. These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, "I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don't think the antibiotics will find me there".

A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don't think they'll find me there."

The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Feb 17, 2014, 04:37:13 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Feb 17, 2014, 05:03:35 PM
like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 17, 2014, 05:09:28 PM
       ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Feb 17, 2014, 07:46:51 PM
good one.... ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 18, 2014, 02:44:24 AM
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

 There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

 So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

 On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

 The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

 The second floor sign reads:

 Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

 The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

 The third floor sign reads:

 Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

 "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

 The fourth floor sign reads:

 Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

 "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

 The fifth floor sign reads:

 Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

 "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

 The sixth floor sign reads:

 Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 18, 2014, 03:31:00 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Feb 20, 2014, 03:48:57 PM
Ready for another Jeff..
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 20, 2014, 04:16:00 PM
Yea what you got Jeff  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mt.perchman on Feb 20, 2014, 08:16:34 PM
Thank you guys those just made my day even better..keep it up!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 20, 2014, 09:17:54 PM

             It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little Antartian got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
 She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard; she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snowplow went by and she started to follow it. As she follows the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
 After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.
 The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 21, 2014, 03:36:13 AM
hehehe   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 21, 2014, 04:32:44 AM

        Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a fool-proof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I don't know how about you but I'm going to start nibbling grass."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 21, 2014, 12:57:26 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D  hehehe 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 22, 2014, 09:37:46 AM


               
 
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very
depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he
decided to commit suicide.
 
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He
was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the side
walk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.
 
He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
 
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself?
I still have one good arm to do things with."
 
He thought "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so
happy, and going on with his life."
 
He hurried down to the side walk and caught up with the man with no
arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his
arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for
saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the
guy could go on with no arms.
 
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels
again.
 
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
 
He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Feb 22, 2014, 12:10:23 PM
Like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 23, 2014, 02:10:58 PM
Good one  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Feb 23, 2014, 02:25:46 PM
Ok---i'll try one------
My 94 year old grandmother was driving down the route 30 in Fulton County and a deputy pulled her over,as he waddled his 400lbs body up to the car,peeked in the window as the window rolled and she said WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT,as he jumped back ,urine ran down his leg and then said c cccccccan I see your drivers license,she said yes no problem but I have a 22 derringer in my wallet,don't be alarmed,,,he said O o ooo ok,,I must see your Registration,she said it's in my glove box and I have a loaded .44 magum in there also,,he said just take it out slooooooowly,,she did,the he said I have to see your insurance card  too,she said it's in the center consoul under my 9mm Luger,I'll take it out slowly for you chump,,after everything was OK he said I have one question for you mam,,with all these guns what are you so afraid of,,,,,
she looked the chunky deputy in the eyes and said NOT A GODDAM THING.................. 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Feb 23, 2014, 03:33:06 PM
  I like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 23, 2014, 05:17:47 PM

             Good one HB. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 24, 2014, 03:54:57 AM
Nice  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Feb 24, 2014, 12:12:19 PM

As a trucker stops for a red light, a beautiful blonde young lady catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the girl says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the girl gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Vermont and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 24, 2014, 02:52:27 PM


                    An 80-year old man walks into the doctor's office for his regular check-up.
The doctor says to him, "Ahh, Ted, how are you feeling?" "Great," says the old man. "I have an 18-year old wife, and she's pregnant with my child." The doctor gives a concerned look and says to Ted, "Ted, let me tell you a story. See, I have this hunter friend and early one morning, he goes out hunting, but is in such a hurry that he grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, as he is hunting, he spots a beaver. He aims at the beaver with his umbrella and shoots at it. Bam! The beaver falls dead to the ground.""What?!" cries the old man. "Why that's impossible! Someone else must have shot the beaver.""Exactly," says the doctor.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 24, 2014, 03:50:14 PM
hehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Feb 24, 2014, 07:31:49 PM
Both true----L
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 25, 2014, 10:04:55 AM


              Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place. First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.” Second guy: “that’s nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.” Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.” They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. “What’s the deal?” Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Fishing or Sex” She replied, “Make sure you put on a warm jacket its cold outside.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Feb 25, 2014, 12:15:44 PM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 25, 2014, 01:47:49 PM
hehehe  I don't have a warm coat  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Feb 25, 2014, 02:50:05 PM
True True True,,very True.....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 25, 2014, 04:41:48 PM
hehehe  I don't have a warm coat  ;D ;D
              You better get one, you're gonna freeze! :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 26, 2014, 09:02:28 AM

                There were three hunters. One day, a hunter comes back and says I got a rabbit. The others asked how he got it. The hunter says, "I followed tracks, followed tracks, followed tracks, and I got this rabbit." The next day, another hunter comes back with a deer. The others asked how he got it. The hunter says, "I followed tracks, followed tracks, followed tracks, and I got this deer." The following day, the third hunter goes out. The other hunters get a call so they go to the hospital. The hunter is in a full body cast and the hunters asked what happened. The hunter says, "I followed tracks, followed tracks, followed tracks, and I got hit by a train."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Feb 26, 2014, 11:40:53 AM
 ;D ;D Gene pool cleansing!  ::)  :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Feb 26, 2014, 01:26:43 PM
nice.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 26, 2014, 06:48:44 PM

           This isn't a joke it really happened.

                      http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/oddnews/two-dogs-take-owner%E2%80%99s-truck-on-3-block-joyride-212737361.html?vp=1     (http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/oddnews/two-dogs-take-owner%E2%80%99s-truck-on-3-block-joyride-212737361.html?vp=1)
       
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Feb 26, 2014, 07:52:01 PM
(http://www.archerytalk.com/vb/attachment.php?attachmentid=1892763&d=1393462897)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 27, 2014, 03:42:04 AM
  :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 02, 2014, 05:31:43 AM

             
Old Butch

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, the bells are not always audible.







































 

 


 

 


 

 


 


 


 

 

 

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 02, 2014, 06:45:20 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 02, 2014, 07:37:54 AM
like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 02, 2014, 10:46:43 AM
like it.
            Were you at Jakes fundraiser yesterday?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Mar 03, 2014, 03:56:24 PM
(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1/574558_10152268559732783_878984218_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Mar 03, 2014, 04:53:57 PM
lol that is all over facebook....funny
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 03, 2014, 05:42:26 PM
 

           hahaha   nothing to worry about he has info red vision  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 04, 2014, 04:15:12 AM

         
If you are a female bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for 6 months.
     I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you are supposed to eat yourself stupid.
     I could deal with that, too.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
     I could deal with that.
If you're a female bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. EXPECTS you to have hairy legs and excess body fat.
     I could deal with that, also.
When you awaken from hibernation, you have lost 60 pounds.
     I could deal with that.
     I WANNA BE A BEAR!!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 04, 2014, 04:46:39 PM


             ;D ;D  me to I'd like to be one myself how you sign up hehehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mt.perchman on Mar 04, 2014, 07:48:19 PM
 ;MY wife and say thanks for that one .... ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 04, 2014, 07:54:03 PM
;MY wife and say thanks for that one .... ;D ;D ;D
            I aim to please everyone. ;)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mt.perchman on Mar 04, 2014, 07:59:17 PM
ITS WORKING !!! THANKS
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Mar 05, 2014, 12:17:01 PM
OK--this could be comical,I'm headed to Walmart,I'll count how many women or men are wearing pajama's,sweats,flipflops,pants down below their butt and thongs that stick out of their plumbers crack,,,just so no-one see's me i'll be in Camo...
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 05, 2014, 12:30:29 PM
Are you going to stop counting when you get to one hundred.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Mar 05, 2014, 01:52:44 PM
Wally World was about empty,snowing hard,but I got milk, cat litter and checked the ammo,,
22 pajama's,5 had on slippers and 1 flip flops-----I was laughin to myself,,,,
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 05, 2014, 03:52:10 PM

                A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 05, 2014, 04:44:54 PM
Wally World was about empty,snowing hard,but I got milk, cat litter and checked the ammo,,
22 pajama's,5 had on slippers and 1 flip flops-----I was laughin to myself,,,,
  hehehe  How long were you in there #'s right up there  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mt.perchman on Mar 05, 2014, 07:22:53 PM
Thats funny !!! Cant wait to show the wife ...
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Mar 06, 2014, 07:16:53 AM
Wally World was about empty,snowing hard,but I got milk, cat litter and checked the ammo,,
22 pajama's,5 had on slippers and 1 flip flops-----I was laughin to myself,,,,

Joe, Wally World wasn't empty. You went on the day everyone shops from the hill towns. They were all in "camo".....hunts2long
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 06, 2014, 10:17:25 AM

                   A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 06, 2014, 12:22:23 PM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Mar 06, 2014, 03:55:08 PM
Joe, Wally World wasn't empty. You went on the day everyone shops from the hill towns. They were all in "camo".....hunts2long
I think were headed to wally world in Saratoga or glenvlile this weekend,need a new PC monitor,,i'll take a count out there ,lots more people..
LOL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Mar 06, 2014, 03:56:44 PM
great one Jeff--that was my brother in laws house I think--true
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 06, 2014, 04:51:01 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 07, 2014, 03:32:58 AM

          At a construction site on the 80th floor of a high rise building, the lone conservative on the crew was having a heated political discussion with the liberals on the project. Deciding to take a break, he called everyone over to the edge of the roof. "Did you know," he began, "that there are extremely violent invisible updrafts that are able to keep a body floating in mid-air? They only occur at certain times during the day between buildings. Here, I'll show you!" He then leaped off the side of the building, and with arms spread-eagle, floated effortlessly on an unseen cushion of air, and then gradually steered himself back to the safety of the roof. "That's awesome," one of the left-wingers shouted. "I want to try it." "Me too," another cried, and then another, and as they leaped over the side of the roof, one after the other, they fell 80 floors straight down to the ground, SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT!
 A crowd rushed over to witness the carnage, and while doing so, one of the spectators looked up and remarked, "Boy, Clark Kent sure hates liberals!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 07, 2014, 03:34:24 AM
 ;D ;D   Nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Mar 07, 2014, 06:28:57 AM
Those three must have been all the Liberals that do work......
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Mar 07, 2014, 06:53:33 AM
Those 3 had just gotten the job and had to work one day to get free health insurance...hunts2long
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Mar 07, 2014, 04:30:59 PM
My hunting buddy just emailed me a joke---it was good--I can't post it on here ,so everyone just laugh for me--ha ha ha ha ha ---
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Mar 07, 2014, 07:24:49 PM
Women and chocolate: http://vitaminl.tv/video/179 (http://vitaminl.tv/video/179)  ;) ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 08, 2014, 06:14:37 AM
Very very Nice   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 08, 2014, 08:33:16 AM

       That was sweet! ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 08, 2014, 09:03:59 AM

             Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 09, 2014, 02:14:04 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 09, 2014, 05:00:20 PM

            A couple of terrorist were making letter bombs. After they had finished, one said: “Do you think I put enough explosive in this envelope? “I don’t know,” said the other. “Open it and see.” “But it will explode.” “Don’t be stupid! It’s not addressed to you!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Mar 09, 2014, 05:00:49 PM
(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1/1508108_658297537581219_576158577_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 09, 2014, 06:03:49 PM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 10, 2014, 03:40:14 AM

Nice   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 11, 2014, 07:06:25 AM

             little boy : mamma, is god a girl or a boy?

 mamma: why god is both girl and boy.

 little boy: mamma, is god black or white?

 mamma: why god is both black and white.

 little boy: mamma, is god gay or strait?

 mamma: why god is both gay and strait.

 little boy: mamma, is god Michael Jackson?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 11, 2014, 12:26:30 PM

          The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
 anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

 "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
 prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
 prisoner in the prison.

 And then they made love for the first time.

 Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

 Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

 Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

 After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
 the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
 a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

 The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
 born foal.

 Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

 She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

 Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
 OKAY!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 11, 2014, 02:13:47 PM
I like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 11, 2014, 04:43:23 PM


           X-2   me to  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 12, 2014, 01:31:32 PM

            Q: Why don't witches wear underwear?
A: For a better grip on there broomstick!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 12, 2014, 04:33:47 PM

            MEN Vs WOMEN
1. MEN discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT. WOMEN discovered paint and invented makeup.
2. Men discovered word and invented conversation. Women discovered conversation and invented gossip.
3. Men discovered gambling and invented cards. Women discovered cards and invented Witchery.
4. Men discovered trading and invented money. Women discovered money and invented shopping. There after Men have discovered and invented lots of things while Women STUCK TO SHOPPING
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 12, 2014, 04:38:23 PM
hehehe   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: tubeslinger on Mar 12, 2014, 05:02:46 PM
(http://i1289.photobucket.com/albums/b512/bigbucksson/IMG_285802201054312_zps24d32a64.jpeg) (http://s1289.photobucket.com/user/bigbucksson/media/IMG_285802201054312_zps24d32a64.jpeg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 12, 2014, 05:36:22 PM
I love it  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 13, 2014, 07:44:42 AM

           A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 13, 2014, 07:53:36 AM
goo done.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 13, 2014, 07:55:54 AM
           This why woman live longer than men.
                    http://www.viralnova.com/women-outlive-men/   (http://www.viralnova.com/women-outlive-men/)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 13, 2014, 08:30:42 AM
Maybe they should try that with men    ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Mar 13, 2014, 08:55:50 AM
(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/t1.0-9/1925327_896844137011707_19402472_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 13, 2014, 10:47:05 AM
hehehe   :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: atplayart on Mar 13, 2014, 07:36:48 PM
(http://i1289.photobucket.com/albums/b512/bigbucksson/IMG_285802201054312_zps24d32a64.jpeg) (http://s1289.photobucket.com/user/bigbucksson/media/IMG_285802201054312_zps24d32a64.jpeg.html)

had one of my trail cams stole 2 years ago         an got a pic of the theif on another cam 200 yards  away---  I no it was same guy from time frame an tracks in snow--- never thot of putting up a sign like that but wooda been a good idea---  specially if I put a copy of the pic from other trail cam   lol    but short one $200 trail cam
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 14, 2014, 05:02:52 AM


 FOUR stages of girl & boy relation!
1. hand in hand.
2. that in hand.
3. hand in that.
4. that in that
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Mar 14, 2014, 06:18:51 AM
had one of my trail cams stole 2 years ago         an got a pic of the theif on another cam 200 yards  away---  I no it was same guy from time frame an tracks in snow--- never thot of putting up a sign like that but wooda been a good idea---  specially if I put a copy of the pic from other trail cam   lol    but short one $200 trail cam

Now that's funny !
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 14, 2014, 03:24:34 PM

           
GREAT  EXPLANATION, JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU, THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER JUMP TO
CONCLUSIONS

The mother-in-law  arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law  Paddy
in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing  his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy ?" she asks  anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an  email to my  wife
telling her I was coming home today from my fishing  trip. I get home... and
guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my  wife Jean, naked with Joe
Murphy in our marital bed! This is  unforgivable, the end of our marriage.
I'm done. I'm leaving  forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his  mother-in-law. "There  is
something very odd going on here. Jean would  never do such a  thing!
There must be a simple explanation. I'll go  speak to her immediately  and
find out what happened."

Moments  later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy. I told you  there must be a simple explanation .....she never  got
your E-mail!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 14, 2014, 04:50:59 PM



              What else did he have his hand into  hehehe 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 14, 2014, 05:01:39 PM


              What else did he have his hand into  hehehe
           If I have to explain it to you, you have problems. ::) hehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 14, 2014, 05:06:37 PM
like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 14, 2014, 05:11:03 PM
           If I have to explain it to you, you have problems. ::) hehehe


hehehehe   :) :)  I new that would draw a response
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 15, 2014, 05:18:21 PM

           
An English teacher reminds her students of the written test in her class tomorrow:

 "Now, I don't want anyone to miss this important finals exam! I will not tolerate any excuse whatsoever for your absence--unless of course you had to go to the hospital because of a serious injury, or someone died in your immediate family."

 Just after she spoke, a wise ass in the back of the class exclaims: "Well, what if I were to tell you that I didn't show up for the test because I experienced complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

 The students in the class try to suppress their snickers and muffled laughter.

 The teacher looks sympathetically towards the young man, smiles slyly and states: "Well, then...you'll have to write with your other hand".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 15, 2014, 05:20:16 PM
 ;D ;D  nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 15, 2014, 05:34:39 PM
Like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: windwalker on Mar 15, 2014, 09:03:19 PM
(http://i1289.photobucket.com/albums/b512/bigbucksson/IMG_285802201054312_zps24d32a64.jpeg) (http://s1289.photobucket.com/user/bigbucksson/media/IMG_285802201054312_zps24d32a64.jpeg.html)


I was going to do just that when my tree stand got stolen .....................should have !
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 16, 2014, 11:27:12 AM

                 Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 16, 2014, 01:35:35 PM
i like it
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 16, 2014, 05:08:28 PM

             An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

 The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."

 The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

 The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 16, 2014, 06:30:57 PM
Love it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 16, 2014, 09:34:28 PM

                   An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guiness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 17, 2014, 03:20:54 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 17, 2014, 05:31:11 AM

            Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked. "Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 17, 2014, 05:38:57 AM

             I'm so depressed now that I learned all this. hehe

               https://www.yahoo.com/food/were-very-sorry-but-your-food-is-a-79364057597.html   (https://www.yahoo.com/food/were-very-sorry-but-your-food-is-a-79364057597.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 17, 2014, 03:25:02 PM
hehehehe     ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 18, 2014, 01:23:15 PM

            An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and ask his wife .
Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.
"Yes", she said, "I remember it well."
"Ok", he says "How about taking a stroll around there again and do it for old time sake ."
"Ooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea", she answers.
There was a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. he thinks,"I've got to see this, two old-timers having sex against a fence, I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. He follows them...
They walked haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks, Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make thier way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, pulls her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers, the old man moves in, suddenly they erupt into the most furoius sex that the watching policeman has ever seen .
They are bucking and jumping like eighteen year olds. this goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling "Ohhhh, God' he's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally they both collapse panting on the ground.
After about an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to thier feet and put their clothes back on.
The police man quite amazed stood there still watching and still thinking to himself . " That was truly amazing, he was like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple passed, he says to them, "That was amazing, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it?
You must have had a fantastic life together, Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret" the old man says,
"fifty years ago that darn fence wasn't electrical!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Mar 18, 2014, 03:08:05 PM
good one--- ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Mar 18, 2014, 03:43:46 PM
 :o hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 19, 2014, 04:34:30 AM

   During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

 "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

 Michael said,"Just a minute I have to go pee."

 The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."

 "What about you Sherman, how would you say it."

 Sherman said, "I am sorry, but i really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

 "Thats better, but its still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."

 "And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

 Johnny said, " I would say: Darling, may i be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 19, 2014, 04:41:35 AM
hehehe    ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Mar 19, 2014, 06:24:47 AM
Little Johnny is the best!   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 19, 2014, 07:20:49 AM
Love it
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Mar 19, 2014, 03:57:41 PM
that was GOOD............
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: TallywackahME on Mar 19, 2014, 06:42:51 PM
Little Johnny was pawing through his dad's night stand and found a condom.  He brought it to his father and asked him,
"what's this for?" His dad replied, "it's I case I find a mouse". Confused little Johnny looked at his father and said, " why, are you gonna phuck it?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 20, 2014, 03:20:09 AM

  INTERESTING OBSERVATIONS WITH AN AMAZING CONCLUSION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
and...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls
become.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 20, 2014, 04:06:09 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Mar 20, 2014, 05:38:51 AM
Hmm-Politicians are into shooting BB gun then .!!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 20, 2014, 08:03:55 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mt.perchman on Mar 20, 2014, 08:25:25 PM
L O L  its always a good laugh to read the above.
please keep them coming  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 21, 2014, 03:50:26 AM

              Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

 The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Mar 21, 2014, 05:44:16 AM
good  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 21, 2014, 06:33:21 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 21, 2014, 07:22:08 AM
;D
            Aren't you suppose to be at work?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 21, 2014, 11:06:09 AM
            Aren't you suppose to be at work?
nope 4 - 10 hour days now
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Mar 21, 2014, 01:30:20 PM
He is working.  ;D

(https://scontent-1.2914.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1.0-9/1920518_10151982398732960_4923261_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Mar 21, 2014, 01:52:13 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mt.perchman on Mar 21, 2014, 03:47:16 PM
That's a different way to keep them bad boys cool.!!! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 21, 2014, 03:49:43 PM

         OH lord, he is one hung low. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 21, 2014, 05:14:30 PM
OOOH yea   ;D ;D   He looks a lot like me   hehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 21, 2014, 05:39:24 PM
wow
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Buck Chaser on Mar 21, 2014, 06:25:00 PM
WTF..........
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 23, 2014, 09:02:13 AM
OOOH yea   ;D ;D   He looks a lot like me   hehehe
           Is that where the get "A-Holes & Elbows" hehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 23, 2014, 11:57:26 AM
           Is that where the get "A-Holes & Elbows" hehe
  hehehe    you betcha  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 23, 2014, 04:27:10 PM

                         Yuppie on vacation

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life.....till the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "you were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island: the oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy was stunned.
"Let's row over to my place" she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a pina colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..."
She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing:
"You mean--? ", he replied, "- I can check my e-mail from here????"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 23, 2014, 05:20:35 PM
like it
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Mar 23, 2014, 11:57:18 PM
OOOH yea   ;D ;D   He looks a lot like me   hehehe

 ;D ;D ;D I was just going to post the picture here but with the way the thread was going I added the line, timing was right.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 24, 2014, 04:02:28 AM
A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball in his hand. One of his golfing buddies says to him, "New ball?"

The guy says, "Would you believe this is the greatest golf ball ever made? You can't lose it. You hit it into the rough and it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell goes off. You drive it into the lake and a big burst of steam goes off six feet in the air for two whole minutes."

"That's amazing," says his friend. "Where did you get it?"

  I found it, says the golfer....



                 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 24, 2014, 04:08:04 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 24, 2014, 07:21:36 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Mar 24, 2014, 02:24:18 PM
(https://scontent-b-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1.0-9/1622279_662963720428484_1905321567_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: island beach on Mar 24, 2014, 03:16:51 PM
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 24, 2014, 03:38:47 PM
I like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 24, 2014, 04:48:13 PM
 
     X-2  I like it myself as well  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 25, 2014, 01:38:20 AM


Amazing Geanie
This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and
pulls up his stool. The bartender comes over and asks what he'll have to swill. As he states his
preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag. The bartender gives a
puzzled look but proceeds to the tap. As he's filling the mug, he looks at the bag again and sees that
something is still moving around in the bag. He brings the beer over and places it in front of the man.
His curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the man what he's got in the bag. The man reaches
into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar... the bartender looks intently at the
piano as the man again reaches into the bag... pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench
in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man. The man sits at the
piano and begins playing.
The bartender says,"wow, he sure can play the piano, where'd you get him?"
The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to the
bartender and says, "Here, go ahead, rub it.."
So the bartender says, "Is there a real genie in there?"
The guy says, "Yes, just rub it and see."
So the bartender says okay and begins to rub the lamp... and out pops this beautiful genie.
She says, "I will grant you one wish, and one wish only."
So the bartender ponders this for a moment and says, "Okay, I'd like a million bucks."
The genie disappears.. and they're both waiting and waiting and nothing happens. They both look at
each other and shrug their shoulders. Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They
both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears... and another, and another..
and it continues.
The bartender looks at the guy and says, "I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks
not a million ducks."
And the man says, "Yes, I know, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 25, 2014, 03:38:16 AM
hehehe 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Mar 25, 2014, 04:23:49 PM
Our summer fishing boat..
(http://i267.photobucket.com/albums/ii311/phrotojoe/cid_4172E7D52E714AC096EDA51AA66A8BF5orgmachine-1.jpg) (http://s267.photobucket.com/user/phrotojoe/media/cid_4172E7D52E714AC096EDA51AA66A8BF5orgmachine-1.jpg.html)
Left-right
30-30,Joe snag,buckfish,raquettdacker,GreenMthunter,and CaptJJ
did anyone bring a fishpole!!!!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 25, 2014, 04:51:54 PM
Nice picture guys.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 25, 2014, 05:19:10 PM


                It was a great time we all had 30/30 fell out of his chair in knee deep water thought he had it Joe grab his hand and said
                water only knee deep 30/30 OOh  :o He said ; He was trashing around so bad Everyone else almost had a bath  hehehe
                should have seen Buckfish & Me laugh  ;D ;D  Raquettdacker all he could say is anybody else want another BEER :) :) :)
                But our hat's go off to Capt.JJ He sure can steer a boat around the lake he was MAD MAD  >:( >:( No one had a fish pole
                We sure did have a truly great day  :) :)     


                                                    Sure should have seen 30/30's face though  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Mar 25, 2014, 05:23:02 PM
Nice one HB...    ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Montana89 on Mar 25, 2014, 05:52:14 PM
America! That's all I can say about that lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Mar 25, 2014, 08:01:58 PM
That's funny.  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Mar 25, 2014, 08:02:15 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1.0-9/1236477_515805335198438_1964740940_n.png)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Mar 25, 2014, 08:21:35 PM
love it
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 25, 2014, 10:17:08 PM

           
love it

             X2 on that one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Mar 25, 2014, 11:16:24 PM
 ;D, I'm going to have to share this one. Thanks CaptJJ.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 26, 2014, 03:16:44 AM
A couple is lying in bed, on their 20th wedding anniversary. The woman suddenly feels her husband touching her in ways that he hadn't done in years. He started at her neck, and slowly traced a line downward, past the small of her back. He caressed one shoulder, then the other, and continued down across her breasts, stopping just below her navel.

Next, he placed his hand on her left inner arm, and caressed down her side, stopping at her hip. He started over again on her right side, then brushed gently across her buttocks, and down her leg. As his hand was making its way up the inside of her left leg, he abruptly stopped and rolled over.

She had become very aroused by all of this attention, and asked in a loving voice, "That was amazing, darling. Why did you stop?"

He cleared his throat, looked at her and said "Found the remote."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 26, 2014, 03:45:04 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 26, 2014, 05:54:13 PM
Two married buddies are out drinking one night at a local bar when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' ... and she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Mar 26, 2014, 06:23:03 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1.0-9/1236477_515805335198438_1964740940_n.png)
TRUE
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Mar 26, 2014, 06:24:26 PM
Two married buddies are out drinking one night at a local bar when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' ... and she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
another good one...
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 27, 2014, 03:26:17 AM
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
 
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
 
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name
 
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
 
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
 
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
 
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
 
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
 
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
 
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
 
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
 
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
 
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
 
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
 
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
 
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
 
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
 
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
 
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
 
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
 
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 27, 2014, 03:37:11 AM
hehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 28, 2014, 01:16:09 AM
A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump crap from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 28, 2014, 03:31:04 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 28, 2014, 09:49:28 AM


           
Too smart for the First Grade

First grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
 Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What do you have in your pants that I do not have in mine?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question?

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin whitish liquid?"
 Harry: "Coconut"

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
 The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Shake hands"

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

   

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 28, 2014, 10:49:17 AM
nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 28, 2014, 01:35:10 PM
Good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Mar 28, 2014, 06:41:45 PM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 29, 2014, 08:55:23 AM

            An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy Boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed,and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome- plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 29, 2014, 01:12:17 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 29, 2014, 02:34:01 PM

            A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is prettier," says the wife.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 29, 2014, 03:04:45 PM
hehe   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 29, 2014, 06:53:49 PM

            A  new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 30, 2014, 07:18:30 AM

                 A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
 The man says, "Yes, it is."
 Boy - "I have a baseball."
 Man - "That's nice."
 Boy - "Want to buy it?"
 Man - "No, thanks."
 Boy - "My dad's outside."
 Man - "OK, how much?"
 Boy - "$250"


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
 Man - "Yes, it is."
 Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
 The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
 Boy - "$750"
 Man - "Fine."




A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
 The priest says, "Don't start that crap again".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 30, 2014, 03:26:50 PM

         Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?

"I'm a hit man," was the reply

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... he's naked as well! The Son Of A Bitch!"

He turned to the hit-man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate - for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit-man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the man impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit-man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 30, 2014, 03:38:57 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Mar 30, 2014, 03:39:44 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 31, 2014, 05:57:56 AM

         
The Retirement Bonus

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first general was from the Air Force. He asked the pension clerk to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked the pension clerk to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

The third general was a grizzled old Marine from Texas. He told the pension man "Son, I want you to measure from the tip of my penis all the way to my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received.

The Marine general insisted "No sir, you heard right. Go ahead and measure". The pension expert said that would be OK, but that he'd better get a medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said, "where are your testicles?"

"Vietam," the general replied.
 
   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 31, 2014, 07:40:26 AM
nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 01, 2014, 05:45:08 AM

            A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the bar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender.

The bartender was surprised, but experienced and had learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks.. They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the restroom. He left the ducks there on the bar.

The bartender was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another. The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation.

"Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck.
 "Huey," replied the first duck.
 "How's your day been, Huey?"
 "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want?", said the duck.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance another day I'd do the same again!", said the duck in reply.

So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day I've had!"

   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 01, 2014, 04:23:29 PM

        CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, .. Peter, Peter, something or other..."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 01, 2014, 04:41:07 PM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 02, 2014, 03:46:59 AM

            The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to piss anyone off."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 02, 2014, 03:51:38 AM
I  like  it      ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 02, 2014, 07:13:53 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 02, 2014, 06:05:02 PM

        This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and swacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

He asks, 'What was that for?'

She replies, 'What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?'

He says, 'Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.'

She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, 'What's that for this time?'

She answered, 'Your horse called.'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 03, 2014, 03:32:31 AM
hehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 03, 2014, 04:42:59 PM

While she was flying down the road yesterday (20 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

She replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah?," said the cop, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked, to which she politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge........"

Traffic ticket: $95.00
 Court costs: $45.00
 The look on that cop's face: PRICELESS
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Apr 03, 2014, 07:33:36 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 04, 2014, 03:47:26 AM


               
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would never have to run again.

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything ok? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life! My pillow is fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
 
   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Apr 04, 2014, 02:49:39 PM
WHY WOMEN MAKE BETTER ASSASSINS
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair... kill her!!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said, 'I had to kill him with the chair!'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 04, 2014, 02:53:13 PM
hehehe   good one  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 05, 2014, 05:52:08 AM


                                                                   Marriage Humor - from a Man

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
 
   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 05, 2014, 06:03:10 AM
Nice  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Apr 05, 2014, 06:30:53 AM
bam the wife in that one.....funny HA HA HA......really they were all good
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 05, 2014, 08:15:38 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 06, 2014, 06:33:07 AM
You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

 By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."

 In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."

 In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

 In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

 In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."

 In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

 In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

 In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

 In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

 In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

 And in Texas he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 06, 2014, 06:03:19 PM


My husband is 67 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and could not see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there floating on the top was a frog. My husband said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up and kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen and will give you the most wonderful sexual pleasures that you have ever dreamed of."

My husband looked at the frog for a short time and then reached over and picked it up carefully, placing it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What are you nuts, didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Naah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 06, 2014, 06:37:35 PM
Like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 07, 2014, 03:54:51 AM



                                                          Forgive Your Enemies

Sunday sermon was, "Forgive Your Enemies"

Toward the end of the service, > He asked his congregation, How many of you have forgiven their enemies?

About half held up their hands.

He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands.

He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?" Inquired the preacher; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied. Smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three." She replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world.

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the Bitches".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Apr 07, 2014, 04:47:34 PM
lol I like that one...she gots some spunk
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 07, 2014, 04:53:38 PM



                                                                                            Barnyard wisdom

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Apr 07, 2014, 04:55:29 PM
OMG dying over here......I am laughing way to hard........I don't own a bmw or the other things either but this is good
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 07, 2014, 06:51:02 PM
Good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Apr 07, 2014, 10:28:53 PM
Man Arrested for DUI While Wearing Dumbest Possible Shirt: man-arrested-for-dui-while-wearing-dumbest-possible-shi-1560117447 (http://man-arrested-for-dui-while-wearing-dumbest-possible-shi-1560117447)  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 08, 2014, 04:21:55 AM
Good ones   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 08, 2014, 04:40:01 AM

            Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,"What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 08, 2014, 06:21:11 AM


                                   I probably would have been watching the dice  :o   hehehe  I lied   nice one Jeff
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 09, 2014, 04:56:43 AM


Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied Granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 09, 2014, 06:39:39 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: buckblaster on Apr 09, 2014, 07:03:07 AM
hahahah 30 30 thats a good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Apr 09, 2014, 01:20:53 PM
Haha nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Apr 09, 2014, 07:24:15 PM
hahahahahahahahahahahaha/......your too funny 30
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 10, 2014, 05:52:51 AM

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs".

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats the Crap out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 10, 2014, 03:18:11 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 11, 2014, 03:30:13 AM


A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a female patron. He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating too".

She clinked glasses with him and said, "What are you celebrating?"

"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For months all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"What a coincidence," the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant.

How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks." he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 11, 2014, 06:21:04 AM
 ;D ;D  Nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Apr 11, 2014, 08:13:38 AM
HaHa!! :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 11, 2014, 09:03:41 AM


At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.







The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.  Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.  'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery, asked the couple?

'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied.  'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 11, 2014, 03:29:35 PM
hehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Apr 11, 2014, 03:46:54 PM
good...... ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 12, 2014, 06:02:30 AM


An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist asked, "How many?"

The man Replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

Upon hearing that the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old, and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't Pee on my shoes."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 12, 2014, 08:14:05 AM
hahaha  nice one  :D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 13, 2014, 05:15:39 AM


One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."  ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 13, 2014, 07:20:46 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 14, 2014, 07:55:11 AM


A man escapes from prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. Looking for money and guns, he only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife,"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner. Look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. He must be dangerous. If he gets angry, he will kill us.Be strong honey.I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too."

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 14, 2014, 11:32:15 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Apr 14, 2014, 08:14:25 PM
(http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w203/lgsalmon/venisonvsbeef_zps2f136322.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Apr 14, 2014, 08:20:54 PM
OMG...lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 15, 2014, 07:23:53 AM

 
      Wow  ... It  has to be taste buds are tasting beer    :-\   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 15, 2014, 09:08:37 AM


A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 15, 2014, 03:53:26 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 16, 2014, 02:37:54 PM

           
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball". He replied, "Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls". There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
 
   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mt.perchman on Apr 16, 2014, 04:35:19 PM
Funny as always thanks everyone .
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 16, 2014, 04:57:04 PM
Where you come up with them  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 17, 2014, 03:49:48 AM

       These are true statements, and are still funny


While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

. . . . . . . She also votes!

I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting! to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

. . . . . . He also votes!

So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the admin assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

. . . . . She also votes!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

. . . . . My sister also votes!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

. . . . . He also votes!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

. . . . . My friend also votes!

My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?" To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to the turkey."

. . . . The clerk also votes!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

. . . . . She also votes!
 
   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 17, 2014, 05:54:56 AM
hehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mt.perchman on Apr 17, 2014, 06:36:54 AM
LOL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 17, 2014, 01:39:12 PM

         
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four-hour operation.

A young nurse comes in to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles groggily from behind the oxygen mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Please tell me, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his privates and jiggles them around a bit, takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was very nice but listen very, very closely to me, are ... my ... test ... results ... back?
 
   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 17, 2014, 02:11:53 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 17, 2014, 03:11:19 PM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mt.perchman on Apr 17, 2014, 06:12:21 PM
My ribs are hurting!!!
Keep them coming!   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 18, 2014, 07:12:49 AM


The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted. A few moments passed .. "An ambulance just drove by" A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

"The Coopers are having sex!"

Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 18, 2014, 07:27:52 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 18, 2014, 04:32:07 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 19, 2014, 08:09:10 AM


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him, and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 19, 2014, 10:16:07 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 19, 2014, 04:10:37 PM



A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".
 
   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 19, 2014, 04:16:51 PM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 20, 2014, 05:16:43 AM



I needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her"...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
 
   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 20, 2014, 07:32:09 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mt.perchman on Apr 20, 2014, 07:02:18 PM
Thanks as always there great . Keep them coming ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 21, 2014, 04:28:08 AM

            There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too big...

10% of women think their ass is too little...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 21, 2014, 06:14:56 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Apr 21, 2014, 06:37:04 AM
I got called an ass a few times this weekend...   ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 21, 2014, 07:46:09 AM
I got called an ass a few times this weekend...   ::) ::) ::)
              Sorry to hear that Dom.  :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 21, 2014, 04:34:10 PM

                     :o :o       :-X    :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mt.perchman on Apr 21, 2014, 09:15:43 PM
Wife and I are laughing !!!!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 22, 2014, 02:44:12 AM

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 22, 2014, 06:00:41 AM
hehehe   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 22, 2014, 04:34:35 PM

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "I've heard that's supposed to work. Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 22, 2014, 05:10:06 PM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 23, 2014, 04:46:05 AM

•The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
•The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
•The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans
•The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
•The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
 
CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 23, 2014, 06:15:36 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mt.perchman on Apr 23, 2014, 06:16:12 PM
LOL   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Apr 23, 2014, 09:23:02 PM
(http://api.ning.com/files/IlN0UevPKmbmE0XCsWvj3TnodymO8CGpxsDMghv6*aZ3IunwBMdMsFf9FThw0YYp5UU8KO1eM7Gab69*5uXXTiDH-Bp72Ewo/Funny.jpg?width=737&height=552)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 24, 2014, 03:57:54 AM

             That's funny Steve! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 24, 2014, 04:20:37 AM

                  This story is similar to one told before with a different twist.

Two couples were playing Poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he notice Bill's wife Sue spread her legs wide, and wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00pm sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

A little worried, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 24, 2014, 05:03:59 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 24, 2014, 07:05:00 AM
hehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mt.perchman on Apr 24, 2014, 07:29:26 PM
LOL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Apr 24, 2014, 09:27:01 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1.0-9/10254035_729010323810029_409224803198419569_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Apr 24, 2014, 09:51:14 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 25, 2014, 04:14:03 AM


REDNECK ETIQUETTE

LIFE SKILLS
1.Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3.It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4.If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1.If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2.Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1.A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2.Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1.Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." (Always a good opener)
3.Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4.Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as,"ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

WEDDINGS
1.Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4.Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5.It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3.Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.When sending your friend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession
 
   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 25, 2014, 05:28:23 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 26, 2014, 03:57:58 AM

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span". Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Life has now been explained.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 26, 2014, 06:01:25 AM
  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 26, 2014, 04:50:10 PM

Hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce.. The long walks we used to take. The long drives, the special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was only 12 .

We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. "And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands.."

"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 26, 2014, 05:59:55 PM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 26, 2014, 06:11:59 PM
 ;D ;D  ;)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 27, 2014, 08:25:14 AM

                                                       THE TRAIN


A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now cause this is the last stop!! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We dont sue that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue: "For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
 
   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 27, 2014, 09:38:13 AM
love it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 27, 2014, 02:36:25 PM
Good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 27, 2014, 04:39:57 PM

                                                                           Gotta Love Senior Citizens

A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear.

"Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh.."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What the hell are you doing for the next generation??"

I Love Senior Citizens!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 27, 2014, 08:02:51 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 28, 2014, 03:24:24 AM

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.


And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."


And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.


After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.


And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.


And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.


And Cat didn't give a crap one way or the other.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 28, 2014, 06:45:07 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 29, 2014, 04:29:09 AM

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed
 Your Rich As Hell and Free Ex-husband!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 29, 2014, 06:28:20 AM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 29, 2014, 07:29:38 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 29, 2014, 05:42:24 PM

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!" she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

"Feels great" he replied, "but I still think my thumb's broken."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Apr 29, 2014, 07:33:10 PM
lol....lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 29, 2014, 07:58:54 PM
Nicee hehehe   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 30, 2014, 04:30:22 AM

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time ..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young family moved into a house. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the vacant lot next door. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those a--holes at Home Depot ever deliver the freak;n sheet rock."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 30, 2014, 06:43:15 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 30, 2014, 03:33:41 PM

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with
 grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

**Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will
 roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

 **Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly
 proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 **Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get
 a busy signal; someone always answers.

 **Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
 you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

 **Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the
 telephone will ring.

 **Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you
 know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want
 to be seen with.

 **Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a
 machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

 **Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely
> > > proportional to the reach.
 ***Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people
 whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They
 are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for
 food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the
 performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come
 early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and
 stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

 ***The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
 your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 ***Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker
 room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 ***Law of Physical Surfaces -

 The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a
 floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
 ***Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know
 what you are talking about.

 *** Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 ***Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

 ***Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a
 product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
 ***Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go
 to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But
 don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick!
 


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 30, 2014, 06:07:31 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 01, 2014, 04:28:13 AM


A guy goes to the U.S. post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward Employment." and then asks, "are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "yes 100%........a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "Okay. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00am."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls.........no point in you coming in for that!
 
   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 01, 2014, 05:36:53 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 02, 2014, 07:48:05 AM

THINGS TO PONDER


When I die, I want to go like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.

A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this profound question. Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and said, "I think this was the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. 30,000 to a man's 15,000 words. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice." The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain it to you. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 02, 2014, 02:48:41 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 03, 2014, 08:42:04 AM


                                                      Things You May Not Know

1. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton.

2. The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the varieties of pickle the company once had.

3. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks - otherwise it will digest itself (eeww).

4. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

5. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a "tittle".

6. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

7. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

8. A duck's quack doesn't echo ... no one knows why.

9. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

10. Every person has a unique tongue print (no licking at the scene or a crime!).

11. 315 entries in Web! ster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

12. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was albino.

13. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

14. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.

15. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

16. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

17. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

18. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

19. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

20. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

21. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters

22. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time ( ... and multi-tasking was invented).

23. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

24. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

25. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before!

26. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!

27. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

28. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

29. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.

30. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar ( ... good to know ...).

31. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless).

32. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb (sign of a true civilized society ... not).

33. American Airlines saved $40,000 in '87 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.

34. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

35. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples! (guess what I'm buying on my next trip to the grocery store!)

36. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

37. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

38. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

39. Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator game.

40. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space! Because passing wind in a space suit damages the suit

 

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 03, 2014, 11:06:47 AM
Interesting   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 04, 2014, 07:30:10 AM

                                Snappy answers

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 04, 2014, 01:15:30 PM
haha  :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 05, 2014, 02:11:25 PM



                                                                               11 of Life's Most Importaint Rules

Rule 1: Life is not fair - - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping-they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life..

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.


One more thing to note: Life is all about ass, you're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, or trying to get a piece of it.

   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 05, 2014, 02:57:56 PM


Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers, those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed "You're all wrong, politicians are the easiest to operate on." "There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 05, 2014, 04:15:32 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on May 05, 2014, 04:31:30 PM
isn't  that the truth
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 06, 2014, 03:20:26 AM


George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hilary Clinton are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as Bill and Hilary buy just one ticket. "How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing.

"Watch and learn," answers Hilary. They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats but Bill and Hilary cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the return trip. When they get to the station they see the Clinton's at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clinton's see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all. "Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hilary. "Live and learn," answers Laura Bush.

When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a toilet and the Clinton's cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train leaves the station, George W. leaves their toilet and walks over to the Clinton's toilet, knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

And you're still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost that election.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 06, 2014, 04:32:39 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 07, 2014, 02:55:08 AM

One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry"

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away..

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with president Kerry."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 07, 2014, 04:50:28 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 08, 2014, 04:30:37 AM

Physicians:


A.The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
B.Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
C.Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.


Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health Human Services.

Guns:


A.The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. Yes, that is 80 million.
B.The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups is 1,500.
C.The number of accidental deaths pre gun owner is 0.000188.


Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

Fact: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on May 08, 2014, 06:37:36 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 08, 2014, 03:59:28 PM
 Nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on May 08, 2014, 07:37:15 PM
good,good, good..
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 09, 2014, 03:47:32 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 09, 2014, 04:11:58 AM


                                                           Little Known Facts about State Laws
1.In Oklahoma, dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate on private property in groups of three or more.
2.In Minnesota, it is illegal to cross state lines with duck on your head.
3.It is illegal to walk down a street in Maine with your shoelaces untied.
4.In Los Angeles, it is unlawful to hunt for moths under a street light.
5.In Pennsylvania, it is illegal for a man to purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.
6.In Alaska, it is illegal to look at a moose from the window of an aircraft or another flying vehicle. It is also illegal to push a live moose out of a moving aircraft.
7.In Nebraska, a parent can be arrested if his or her child can't hold back a burp during a church service. While in Alabama it is illegal to wear a false moustache which causes laughter in church.
8.In Idaho, a citizen is forbidden by law to give another citizen a box of candy that weights more than 50 lbs.
9.In Texas it is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
10.In Huntington West Virginia, it's legal to beat your wife so long as it's done in public on a Sunday-and on the courthouse steps.
11.In Ohio, women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
12.In North Dakota, it is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
13.By law, everybody in Vermont must take at least one bath a week.
14.No store in Providence, Rhode Island, is allow to sell a toothbrush on Sunday. But they can sell toothpaste and mouthwash on the Sabbath.
15.In Atlanta Georgia, it is forbidden to dress a mannequin without first pulling down the window blinds. It is also illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
16.In Washington state, all lollipops are banned.
17.An unmarried woman may not parachute on Sunday in Florida.
18.In Kansas, it is against the law to catch fish with your bare hands. It's also illegle to bring a whale in the state on a flat car.
19.In Milwaukee, residents must keep pet elephants on a leash while walking them on public streets.
20.In Atwoodville, Connecticut, it is illegal to play Scrabble while waiting for a politician to speak.
21.In Muncie Indiana, it is illegal to carry fishing tackle in a cemetery.
22.In New York, a fine of $25 may still be levied for flirting. This old law prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking at a woman in that way. A second conviction for this offense requires the offender to wear a pair of racehorse blinders whenever he goes out.
23.A law in Kirkland, Illinois, forbids bees from flying over the town.
24.In Michigan, a man legally owns his wife's hair.
25.It is illegal to gargle in public in Louisiana.
26.In Iowa, it is illegal for a kiss to last more than five minutes.
27.It is illegal to carry an ice-cream cone in your pocket in Kentucky.
28.In Massachusetts, mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
29. It is against the law in Boston to slurp your soup in a restaurant on Sundays.
30.And finally, don't forget that you can be fined up to $500 in Chico California for detonating a nuclear device within the city limits!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 09, 2014, 04:02:44 PM
 ;D ;D    I'm guilty of quite a few of them    :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 09, 2014, 04:37:30 PM
;D ;D    I'm guilty of quite a few of them    :)
             It figures. ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on May 09, 2014, 08:10:43 PM
I'm not moving to Vermont.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 10, 2014, 03:59:31 AM


                                                                                         Great Comeback

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?


You've gotta love the Marines!!!!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 10, 2014, 05:46:25 AM
 ;D ;D   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 11, 2014, 05:24:19 AM

                                                                 Twelve Days

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-rape-survivor gave to me,

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...)

TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE: after member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE deconstructionist poets,

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses

and a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 11, 2014, 06:44:24 AM
nice    ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 12, 2014, 07:19:53 PM


TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED  BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR  TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED,  "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I  AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."

"I CAN HANDLE  THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND  HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE  WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR  HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO."

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED  OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER. HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE  CURLERS  ARE ON THE HOUSE
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 13, 2014, 02:38:08 AM


                                                                 Questions for people that know everything
1.Can you cry under water?
2.How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
3.If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
4.Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
5.Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
6.Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
7.Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
8.What disease did cured ham actually have?
9.How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
10.Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
11.If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
12.If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
13.Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
14.Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
15.How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
16.Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
17.If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
18.Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
19.Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
20.Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!" Or Watch a white thing come out a chicken rear and think,"that ought to taste good"
21.Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
22.Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
23.When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
24.If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
25.Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
26.If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
27.Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
28.Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
29.What do you call male ballerinas?
30.Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
31.If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
32.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
33.If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
34.Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
35.Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
36.Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
37.Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
38.Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets Mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
 
   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 13, 2014, 04:08:10 AM
Both are nice ones
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on May 13, 2014, 05:03:23 AM
39. Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 14, 2014, 03:54:38 AM
Good one  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on May 14, 2014, 08:48:10 PM
The song-Lost in the desert with a horse with no name,,,don't you think you would name that friggen horse if you were lost with him,,
hmmm

                                                                 Questions for people that know everything
1.Can you cry under water?
2.How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
3.If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
4.Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
5.Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
6.Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
7.Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
8.What disease did cured ham actually have?
9.How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
10.Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
11.If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
12.If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
13.Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
14.Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
15.How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
16.Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
17.If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
18.Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
19.Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
20.Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!" Or Watch a white thing come out a chicken rear and think,"that ought to taste good"
21.Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
22.Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
23.When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
24.If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
25.Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
26.If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
27.Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
28.Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
29.What do you call male ballerinas?
30.Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
31.If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
32.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
33.If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
34.Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
35.Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
36.Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
37.Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
38.Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets Mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
 
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 15, 2014, 04:50:56 AM


One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on May 15, 2014, 05:29:58 AM
nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 16, 2014, 03:25:59 AM

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 16, 2014, 03:38:58 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on May 16, 2014, 05:45:42 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 16, 2014, 06:17:01 PM

After the marriage the bride put a box next to her bed and told her husband never to open and check, what’s inside of it. 40 years passed and the husband impatiently opened the box and found there 3 empty bottles of beer and 14000$.
In the evening during the dinner he tells his wife:
- Darling, I have to admit, I opened the box. Would you explain why there are 3 bottles?
- You see, whenever I cheated on you, I emptied a bottle of beer and put it in a box…
The husband gives it a pause and thinks: well, 3 time, that isn’t so much…
- And why do you keep the 14000$ there?
- Well, when the bottles do not fit in the box, I return them and get back the deposit.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on May 16, 2014, 06:49:35 PM
like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 17, 2014, 05:26:41 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on May 17, 2014, 11:27:03 AM
 :o ;D ;D

(https://scontent-1.2914.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1.0-9/1510707_390885734390383_1893529837_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 17, 2014, 02:52:58 PM


     hahaha    ;D ;D    Nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on May 17, 2014, 09:10:25 PM
If dogs could text.

http://fillthewell.com/if-dogs-could-text/ (http://fillthewell.com/if-dogs-could-text/)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on May 17, 2014, 09:21:03 PM
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed..
The farmer takes his hand and puts it on his wife's breasts and says "honey if these things gave enough milk we could get rid of all those cows"..
Than he takes his hand and puts it down below and says "honey if this thing popped out eggs we could get rid of all those chickens"..
The wife takes her hand and puts it on his junk and says
"honey if this worked we could fire your brother"..     ;D ;D ;D :o :o :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 18, 2014, 06:23:22 AM


         I love it Dom    ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on May 18, 2014, 07:36:16 AM
good one. 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 18, 2014, 05:42:42 PM

A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse. "Hold it neighbor" the man says, " I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only 6 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting.... We'll have a great time". Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and ask's " How should I dress?" " Aw, don't matter" replied the neighbor, " Only gonna be the two of us".

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 19, 2014, 03:43:54 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 19, 2014, 04:54:43 AM

At breakfast the husband says to his wife "What would you do if I won the Lottery?".
 
And she replied:  "I'd take my half and leave you".
 
"Great" he says.  "Here's $6.00.  I won $12.00 yesterday!  Stay in touch".
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on May 19, 2014, 07:53:49 AM
(https://scontent-1.2914.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1.0-9/10268671_652907611443532_9019617786196149666_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 19, 2014, 05:25:49 PM

 A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 20, 2014, 03:55:15 AM

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on May 20, 2014, 05:33:44 PM
(https://scontent-1.2914.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1.0-9/10365873_772283096138538_558191960362532418_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on May 20, 2014, 07:50:15 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 21, 2014, 03:14:57 AM

It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class 1 thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got. "My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said. The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard ........ "My dad got me a dog," she said. She sat down and a boy got up and said, "I got a choo-choo!" The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said, "I got an electric train!!" That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says, "I got a book" The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks, "What was the title of the book??" The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said, "Winnie The Sh*t!!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on May 21, 2014, 11:44:12 AM
(https://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/t1.0-9/253261_10151387239856345_1469540621_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on May 21, 2014, 11:52:40 AM
Boy, that's a mouthful!   :o 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 21, 2014, 05:39:00 PM

         I use to be a "T" shirt in another life. hehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on May 21, 2014, 06:06:06 PM
My mouth isn't big enough... 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on May 22, 2014, 10:07:45 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1.0-9/10313056_834758546545158_3370950859765914375_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on May 22, 2014, 12:07:29 PM
Smh. Hopefully this person is sterile
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on May 22, 2014, 12:18:41 PM
 ;D

(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/t1.0-9/10152512_667567583292945_7539088837243038196_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 22, 2014, 01:01:12 PM

A red neck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The red neck is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the red neck asks, "What's that noise?

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 23, 2014, 03:26:38 PM
;D

(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/t1.0-9/10152512_667567583292945_7539088837243038196_n.jpg)
Really Really Nice Nice  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 24, 2014, 03:33:51 PM
A man passed away and went to Heaven. Upon arriving at the
 pearly gates, St. Peter said, "Come on in. I'll show you around.
 I really think you'll like it here." Walking through the gates,
 the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared
 that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.
 
 Surprised at how Heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter, "What's
 the deal with all the clocks?"

 St. Peter replied, "They keep track of everybody on earth.
 There is one clock for each person. Every time someone tells a lie,
 his clock moves forward one minute. For instance, this clock belongs to
 Sam, a used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move any
 second." Click. The minute hand on Sam's clock moved forward one
 minute. Click. It moved forward another minute. "Sam must be closing on
 a deal right now," said St. Peter. "The minute hand on his clock moves
 all day long."

 The man and St. Peter continued walking and soon came across a
 clock covered with cobwebs. "Whose clock is this?" asked the man.
 
 "That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest
 persons on earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two."

 They continued walking and touring Heaven. The man enjoyed watching
 the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finally finished, the man
 said, "I've seen everyone's clock but one. Where is President Obama's
 kept?" St. Peter smiled and said, "Look up there. We use his for a
 ceiling fan."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 24, 2014, 05:54:34 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: BowHunterDan on May 24, 2014, 06:01:45 PM
 ;D ;D ;D! Shouldn't that be Obama's clock by now? ;)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 25, 2014, 05:56:12 AM
;D ;D ;D! Shouldn't that be Obama's clock by now? ;)
            Dan, it's a done deal. Reread it. ;)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 25, 2014, 06:11:33 AM
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint my house.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 25, 2014, 06:14:06 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: BowHunterDan on May 25, 2014, 07:46:12 AM
            Dan, it's a done deal. Reread it. ;)
;D ;D ;D!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 26, 2014, 05:48:02 AM

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. “Father O'Malley,” he says, “my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better.” “My good man,” says the priest, “I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?” And the guy goes: “I'm telling everybody!”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 26, 2014, 06:21:14 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on May 26, 2014, 08:29:29 AM
Haha nice one Jeff
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 26, 2014, 08:56:13 AM

 Little boy: Mommy, how I born, was I downloaded.
            Mother:    No you wen't downloaded, go ask your father.

            A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.  We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.  There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared. 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 26, 2014, 12:05:21 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 27, 2014, 05:37:38 AM
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: You don't they're born that way!

Q: What do blondes do they comb their hair?

A: They pull up their pants!

Q: Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?

A: Because it said "concentrate"!

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

A: Very Gifted!

Q : How can you tell a blonde has been using your computer?

A : There is white-out all over the computer screen!

Q : What do blondes and turtles have in common?

A : When they're on their backs, they're screwed.

Q: Why don't blondes have elavator jobs?

A: They don't know the route!

Q: How do blonde braincells die?

A: Alone!

Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?

A: Blow in her ear!

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday!

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?

A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions!

Q : How do you really confuse a blonde?

A : Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner!

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?

A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out!

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?

A: T*ts go in front!

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?

A: Toes go in first!

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?

A: Because everybody gets a turn!!

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?

A: Flattered!

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?

A: Tell her she's pregnant!

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?

A: Trying to hold on to a thought!

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

A: Run...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence?

A: To see what was on the other side!

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?

A: She heard that the drinks were on the house!

Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?

A: Third Grade!

Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

A: For throwing out the W's!

Q : What goes "vroom - screech | vroom-screech | vroom-screech"?

A : A blonde at a blinking red light.

Q: What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette?

A: Artificial intellegence

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?

A: They always forget the recipe!

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?

A: It took her 2 weeks to figure out that you could play it at night!

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?

A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold!

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the # 11???

A: She didn't know which 1 came first!

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?

A: She tried to drown it!

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?

A: She threw it off a cliff!

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it!

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?

A: They think someone is taking their picture!

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?

A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads!

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?

A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees!

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?

A: Reservations!

Q: There are three third grade girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. Which one has the biggest tits?

A: The blonde.... she's 18!

Q: What do you get when you put 20 blonde's ear to ear?

A: A WIND TUNNEL! Q: How do you drown a dumb blonde?

A:Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool!

Q : how did the blonde wreck the hellicopter?

A : she got cold and turned off the fan.

Q : What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?

A : Nothing, they've never met!

Q. How do you know when a blonde has been in your fridge?

A. there's lipstick on all the cucumbers.

Q:What do you call a blonde behind the steering wheel?

A: An airbag.

Q : What was the blonde doing up in the tree?

A : She was raking leaves.

Q : How can you tell a blonde has been in the bathroom?

A : There is make-up all over the mirror

Q : What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

A :You pick it up, pull the pin, and throw it back!!!

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A: If you smack the blonde she blonde she keeps on sucking!

Q.How does a blonde turn on a light after have sex?

A.She opens a car door.

Q.Why can't blondes make kool-aid?

A.They don't understand how to get the 2 quarts of water into the little package.

Q.What did the blonde say to her boyfriend after he blew in her ear?

A.Thanks for the refill. There was a blonde and brunette walking through the woods. The brunette pointed and said look a dead bird the blonde looked up and asked, "where??".

Q: Three people were walking down the street. Santa Clause, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde. They all saw a ten dollar bill on the sidewalk. Who got it?

A: The dumb blonde got it because the other two are fictional




Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on May 27, 2014, 06:20:52 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/t1.0-9/10299929_956232354406218_2717458223831272383_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 27, 2014, 06:40:49 PM

           That's funny JJ. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 28, 2014, 02:47:27 PM

An old guy and his son had a one-mule farm where they eked out a living. One day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000. He rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home, where he told his father the good news, and handed him $50 bill.


The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford a license to legally marry your Ma."


"Pa!" the son exclaims, "do you know what that makes me?"


"Sure do," said the old guy fingering the fifty-dollar bill. "And a damn cheap one, too."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on May 28, 2014, 03:14:16 PM
like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 29, 2014, 05:19:48 AM

Even When They Lie, Women are Noble - Gerald McEathron

 One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

 The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

 The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

 The seamstress replied, "No."

 The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

 Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

 The Lord reached down again and came up with a simple leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

 The seamstress replied, "Yes."

 The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

 Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When the seamstress cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

 "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

 The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

 "Yes!" cried the seamstress.

 The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

 The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

 And so the Lord let her keep him.

 The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and is always in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

 Signed, A Women.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 30, 2014, 04:56:04 AM

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on May 30, 2014, 05:39:11 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 30, 2014, 04:03:40 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 31, 2014, 03:06:45 AM

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....” 

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 31, 2014, 04:35:29 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: BowHunterDan on Jun 01, 2014, 04:44:42 AM
Must have been blonde?  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 01, 2014, 05:33:00 AM



A cowboy from Texas attended a social function where Barack Obama was trying to gather support for his re-election.  When Obama discovered the cowboy was from President Bush's home area, he started to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.                                                                                                                                                                         
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.  The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches.  They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.  But a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,"Hard to fool them flies, though." 















































































































Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 01, 2014, 05:46:42 AM
 ;D ;D  nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: HFNYO09 on Jun 01, 2014, 09:48:53 AM
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school
crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called
and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the
sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

 8) 8) 8) 8) 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 01, 2014, 10:55:04 AM
like it
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 01, 2014, 12:27:56 PM
hahaha    ;D ;D   Good  one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 02, 2014, 07:40:30 AM

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

 First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

 "Can you read this?" the optician asked.

 "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 02, 2014, 10:31:55 AM
you have to love the polish
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Jun 02, 2014, 11:55:45 AM
Now that's a good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 03, 2014, 05:58:22 AM

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

 From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

 So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

 Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them. He was satisfied with things they way they were. The Jamaican quickly figured out the wife felt like she was getting the short end of the stick, so to speak.

 The wife asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

 The Jamaican replied, "Tell him to just try dem on, Lady." So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

 As soon as the husband slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes. There was a level of excitement his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

 The Jamaican began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on the wrong feet!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: BowHunterDan on Jun 03, 2014, 10:02:08 AM
Yeah mon! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 04, 2014, 08:43:28 AM

A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

 He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

 She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

 "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

 "We use it for sex."

 The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

 The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 04, 2014, 07:17:46 PM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 05, 2014, 05:15:04 AM

OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Hz


OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact


OLD ENERGIZER BUNNIES never die, they go on, and on, and on...


OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings


OLD ENGLISH MAJORS do it with Strunk and White


OLD ENVIRONMENTALISTS never die, they are just recycled


OLD ESKIMOES never die, they just get cold feet


OLD ESKIMOES never die, they just go cold


OLD EXORCISTS never die, they just give up the ghost


OLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seed


OLD FARMERS never die, they just spade away


OLD FATHERS never die, they just become grandfathers


OLD FISHERMEN never die, their rods just go limp


OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just get reel tired


OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: BowHunterDan on Jun 05, 2014, 09:37:53 AM
 ;D Good one!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Jun 05, 2014, 11:08:23 AM
(https://scontent-1.2914.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/t1.0-9/10014701_10153898510825394_1086018629_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 06, 2014, 06:25:17 AM

A married Cajun went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almos' had de affair wid annuder woman."

 The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

 The Cajun said, "Well, we get undress' and rub together, but den I stop."

 The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

 The Cajun left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

 The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

 The Cajun replied, "Yeah fadder, but me..I rub de $50 on de box, and 'cordin' to you, that be de same as puttin' it in."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 06, 2014, 08:00:09 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 06, 2014, 02:00:30 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 07, 2014, 09:03:14 AM

A government social worker was visiting the Indian reservation for the first time.

 Over by the store, a woman was yelling up a blue streak at an old Indian man. The man looked like he could use some help. The social worker walked over and broke up the disturbance by pulling the man aside.

 "Hey, that lady sure has your number."

 "She no lady. She my wife."

 "You don't say. What's her name?"

 "Wife name 'Three Horse'."

 The social worker smiled. "Now that's a strange name. Three Horse. Yep, that sure is a strange name. How did she get a name like that?"

 "Nag nag nag."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 07, 2014, 07:14:49 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 08, 2014, 05:53:01 AM

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around at Home Depot when they collide.  The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

 The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried."

 The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

 The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.  What does your wife look like?"

 The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 08, 2014, 05:58:39 AM
nice   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 09, 2014, 05:18:38 AM

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.

 Ethel said, "You know, Mabel,I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

 Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 10, 2014, 04:59:47 AM
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

 "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

 Michael said,"Just a minute I have to go pee."

 The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."

 "What about you Sherman, how would you say it."

 Sherman said, "I am sorry, but i really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

 "Thats better, but its still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."

 "And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

 Johnny said, " I would say: Darling, may i be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 10, 2014, 06:23:53 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 11, 2014, 05:08:46 AM

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

 The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 11, 2014, 04:26:10 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 11, 2014, 05:40:55 PM

An Arizona couple, both well into their 60's, goes to a Sex Therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.  The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.  She's married; so we can't go to her house.  I'm married; so we can't go to my house.  The Holiday Inn charges $98.  The Hilton charges $139.  We do it here for $50, and best of all.... Obamacare pays $43 of it, so our co-pay is only $7.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 12, 2014, 03:53:19 AM
nice   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 17, 2014, 04:47:15 AM
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on
the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa,
what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he
asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here
with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 17, 2014, 05:13:42 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Jun 17, 2014, 03:33:12 PM
(https://scontent-1.2914.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/t1.0-9/10376161_10154216522945058_9060614507928602029_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Jun 17, 2014, 03:35:12 PM
(https://scontent-1.2914.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/t1.0-9/10419476_10154208333330058_9050790825226791969_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hickgtx600f4 on Jun 17, 2014, 08:00:49 PM
nice ones 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 18, 2014, 03:49:42 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 18, 2014, 05:04:54 AM



A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his
 

razor-sharp legal mind.

 Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything

about this subject?"

 Professor: "Actually, I think I probably do.

Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

 Student: "Okay. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give

me the correct answer, I will accept the marks you've given me.

However, you'll have to agree that if you can't give me the

correct answer you'll change my grade to an "A".

 Professor: "Hmmmm, all right. So what's the question?"

 Student: "What is legal but not logical,

logical but not legal,

and neither logical nor legal?"

 The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack

the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's

failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes

away, very pleased.

 All afternoon the professor continues to wrack his brain over

the question but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in

a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a

really, really tough question to answer:


"What is legal but not logical,

logical but not legal,

and neither logical nor legal?"

 To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all

the students immediately raise their hands.
 The professor asks his favourite student to answer.

 "Well, it's quite easy, sir," says the student.

 

"You see, you are 75-years-old and married to a

30-year-old woman, which is legal, but not logical.

 Your wife has a 22-year-old lover,

which is logical, but not legal.

 

And your wife's lover failed his exam, but you've just

given him an "A", which is neither legal nor logical."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 18, 2014, 07:28:46 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 19, 2014, 04:47:55 AM

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

 "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.

 The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

 The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

 "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 19, 2014, 05:33:00 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Jun 19, 2014, 01:36:55 PM
Haha
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 19, 2014, 05:41:21 PM

A small zoo in North Carolina obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon
examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.
To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their
problem, the zoo keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker
responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
 
 
 
Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to
satisfy a female of any species.
The zoo keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with
a proposition: would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
 
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to
think the matter over carefully. The next day,he announced he would
 accept their
offer, but only under
 five conditions:
 
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The keeper
quickly agreed to this condition.
 
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' t-shirt." The
keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
 
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."
The keeper again readily agreed
 to this condition.
 
"Fourth," Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once
again it was agreed.
 
And last, Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the
 
$500.00."
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 19, 2014, 06:51:49 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 19, 2014, 07:19:18 PM
I like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Jun 20, 2014, 07:45:41 AM
 ;D  LMFAO!!  I started laughing at the words "Bobby Lee Walton"!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 20, 2014, 08:36:16 AM

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 20, 2014, 11:47:27 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 20, 2014, 05:55:34 PM
nice  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 21, 2014, 05:44:43 AM


Q: Why do gorillas have big noses?

A: Because they have big fingers.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 21, 2014, 03:58:20 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 22, 2014, 06:03:57 AM
 
                               News Paper clippings


Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.

Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.

Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.

Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.

Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog

Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.

Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.

Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 22, 2014, 05:00:13 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 23, 2014, 04:26:22 AM

 I have a bunch of these about a few states, I'll post one at a time.

                                      SOUTHERN HUMOR

Florida
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

 
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

 
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

 
The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought maybe you were bringing her back.

 
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 23, 2014, 08:09:36 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: whistleoink on Jun 23, 2014, 03:25:37 PM
x-2
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 23, 2014, 05:12:49 PM
X-3
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Jun 23, 2014, 08:11:58 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Jun 23, 2014, 09:28:14 PM
http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/jun/23/us-student-rescued-giant-vagina-sculpture-germany (http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/jun/23/us-student-rescued-giant-vagina-sculpture-germany)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 24, 2014, 03:58:45 AM
Hahahaha   What a goof ball  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 24, 2014, 04:53:37 AM




  Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 24, 2014, 06:38:20 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 24, 2014, 06:00:17 PM
X-2
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 25, 2014, 03:19:18 AM



Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ..."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 25, 2014, 03:59:40 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Jun 25, 2014, 04:46:05 AM
 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 26, 2014, 04:14:16 AM



Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 26, 2014, 05:29:06 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 26, 2014, 05:05:31 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 27, 2014, 01:32:39 AM



North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 27, 2014, 03:54:20 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 28, 2014, 07:07:46 AM


Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 28, 2014, 07:54:21 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 28, 2014, 02:45:10 PM

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 28, 2014, 03:10:28 PM
hehehe   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 29, 2014, 06:24:52 AM

South Carolina
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South,
but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 30, 2014, 04:13:17 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 30, 2014, 06:05:52 AM

A SHORT... BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY

 A man and a woman who had never met before,
 but who were both married to other people,
 found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.


 Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
 both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she
 in the lower.

 At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, Ma'am,
 I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
 closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

 'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend
 that we're married'

 'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

 'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own damned blanket.'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Jun 30, 2014, 07:08:17 AM
 :o  ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 30, 2014, 07:19:06 AM
nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 30, 2014, 06:20:10 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 02, 2014, 06:35:57 AM
Painting  the Church
       
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very

interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down

his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually

the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside

of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job. 

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and  setting up the planks,

and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with

turpentine......... 

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly

completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder,

the sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint

from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to

land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles

of the thinned and useless paint

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,

so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?" 

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.

(you're going to love this)

"Repaint! Repaint!  And thin no more!" 

                 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 02, 2014, 05:06:23 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 03, 2014, 02:55:49 AM
Tractor Salesman
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.

"What's up, John?" asked the farmer.

"Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."

"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.

"How do you figure?" asked John.

"Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down.
 And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you TODAY!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 03, 2014, 04:13:57 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jul 03, 2014, 07:03:58 AM
nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 04, 2014, 04:41:33 AM

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
 The Americans licked the British!
 Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
 Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
 Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
 To get to the other tide!
 What do you call a parade of German mercenaries?
 A Hessian procession!
 What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
 Yankee Poodle!
 Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
 Yeah, it cracked me up!
 What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?
 The Fodder of Our Country!
 What's red, white, blue, and almost as ugly as a dog?
 A revolutionary warthog!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 04, 2014, 06:13:37 AM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 05, 2014, 05:45:10 AM


Three women were sitting in a bar, (brunette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.

 The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a baby boy".

 The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived.

 The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 05, 2014, 07:01:34 AM
 ;D ;D  hehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 06, 2014, 05:44:43 AM

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

 "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

 So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

 "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

 "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 06, 2014, 07:07:25 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Jul 06, 2014, 07:51:16 AM
 ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 07, 2014, 05:14:57 AM

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.

 Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."

 Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."

 Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

 God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 07, 2014, 07:44:26 AM


A man walked into the ladies department
and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.. '
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
Salvation Army, Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple.'

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills....ave you ever wondered why A, B,C, D, DD, E , F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?





If you have wondered why,
but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for,
it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Jul 07, 2014, 08:42:48 PM
hahaha mine are silly........get it?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 08, 2014, 04:09:53 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 08, 2014, 04:48:47 AM

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

 "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

 "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

 "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

 "No sir, our mother."

 "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

 "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jul 08, 2014, 05:47:03 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 08, 2014, 06:05:23 PM


             Nice Nice  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 09, 2014, 04:44:15 AM

Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

 Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

 "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $67.50."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jul 09, 2014, 06:22:17 AM
like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 09, 2014, 06:53:46 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 10, 2014, 04:11:53 AM

Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says,
 "Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

 With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
 "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!"
 The wife chose to ignore the husband.

 Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky.
 He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
 "What's wrong?" he asks.
 She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jul 10, 2014, 07:27:16 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 10, 2014, 05:46:21 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 11, 2014, 04:57:21 AM

A blind man applies for a job at the wood factory, but the manager refuses as he says what can you do, you're blind.
 The blind man says I can sniff any piece of wood and tell you what type it is.
 The manager says that's useless for my business but just out of curiosity I'd like to see you do it.
 The blind man says ok, so the manager gathers all his staff to watch.
 He places a piece of wood on a table and says to the blind man, what's this wood?
 The blind man replies Pine wood and the manager says great, you got it right.
 The manager then places another piece of wood on the table and asks the blind man to sniff it and the blind man says this is Red gum.
 The manager says you're right again, that's amazing.
 Not to be outdone the manager calls his secretary out of the office and asks her to take all her clothes of and to lay on the table.
 She lays on her stomach and the manager says to the blind man, ok what/s this one.
 The blind man sniffs along the woman's naked body and says, "bit tricky this one can you turn it over.
 So the manager gets the secretary to lay on her back and the blind man sniffs up and down the woman's naked body and says, ahh you can't fool me, that's the ****house door off a tuna boat.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 11, 2014, 04:11:35 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 12, 2014, 04:40:51 AM

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 57 times last year."

 The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That was more than once a week!"

 The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

 Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's more than twice a week. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

 The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"

 The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?"

 The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jul 12, 2014, 05:29:03 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 12, 2014, 05:49:41 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 13, 2014, 05:26:30 AM

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 13, 2014, 05:32:07 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 14, 2014, 05:31:41 AM

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

 Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.

 He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

 "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 14, 2014, 05:52:19 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 15, 2014, 04:27:17 AM

Patient to Dentist: "How much to get my teeth straightened?"

 "Twenty thousand bucks" Patient heads for the door.

 Dentist to patient: "Where are you going?"

 "To a plastic surgeon to get my mouth bent."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 15, 2014, 04:09:25 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 16, 2014, 04:50:16 AM
A woman in her 90’s is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can’t live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn’t want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

 He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

 Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman’s left thigh.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jul 16, 2014, 07:31:17 AM
like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Jul 16, 2014, 02:18:48 PM
That's a good one !   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 16, 2014, 05:00:34 PM
Nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 17, 2014, 04:14:35 AM

One day a man takes his frail, elderly mother into hospital.
 "I hope the nurses treat you well, mum." he said.
 After a while, the old lady slowly tilts to one side, so 2 nurses put her back up.
 In half an hour, the old lady tilts to the other side, so the same nurses pick her back up again. When the woman's son comes to see how she\'s doing, he says, \"Have the nurses been treating you well?\"
 "Yes," replied his mum. "But they won't let me fart!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Jul 17, 2014, 08:37:00 AM
HA!!!  :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 18, 2014, 05:37:06 AM






 

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.
 "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

 The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

 The doctor took the husband aside. "You’re in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn’t give me an erection either
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jul 18, 2014, 07:36:31 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 18, 2014, 06:46:33 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 19, 2014, 07:22:48 AM

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf."

 The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

 The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?" He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what’s for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.

 Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 19, 2014, 02:39:11 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 20, 2014, 06:10:45 AM
A physician passed away and was being screened for the destination of his soul’s eternal afterlife.
 Unfortunately, he’d been a bit of a lout, a quack, and greedy to boot, so he wasn’t quite certain what to expect.
 Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, St Peter greeted him, and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds he may find the choices rather hellish.
 Upon opening door #1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it.
 Upon viewing the spectacle behind door #2, he was even more horrified to observe various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease and other maladies to terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch.
 With trepidation he opened Door #3 to discover therein groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps! He rushed excitedly back to saint Peter and proclaimed, "I’ll take door #3!" "Oh, no, I’m afraid that’s not possible," exclaimed Saint Peter. "That’s NURSES’ Hell!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 20, 2014, 04:04:52 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 21, 2014, 06:06:59 AM

A doctor was caring for a woman in the hospital from Kentucky and asked, "So how’s your breakfast this morning?" "It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. The doctor asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 21, 2014, 07:27:33 AM
Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2014!"
"Great Nancy , but how?" asked Harry.
"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."
 So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman , Montana . With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
 The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"
 "Yes we are!" said Nancy , "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."
 They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
 A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador , lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
 For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.
 Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
 "Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two a...holes!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jul 21, 2014, 04:36:33 PM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 21, 2014, 04:41:38 PM


  That a good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Jul 21, 2014, 08:25:44 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/t1.0-9/10527902_811160865584094_6267511387436414327_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hickgtx600f4 on Jul 21, 2014, 08:49:57 PM
 :o :o :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 22, 2014, 04:09:26 AM

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live a long life. What should I do?"

 "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let’s see, do you smoke?"

 "Oh.. Half a pack a day."

 "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.

 The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"

 "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while."

 "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."

 The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.

 The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"

 "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."

 "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."

 The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"

 "Do you want to live long?"

 "Yes."

 "Well then, it’s absolutely necessary. And don’t even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"

 "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.

 "As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."

 The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I’m going to live longer this way?"

 "I have no idea, but however long you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 22, 2014, 04:10:19 AM
 :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 23, 2014, 05:44:51 AM


                             
A lady goes to her priest one day and
tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,
                             
But they only know to say one thing.'
                             

'What do they say?' the priest asked.
                             

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....
                             

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.  I have
two male talking parrots, which I have taught to
pray ...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in
the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying…




That phrase…  In no time.'

‘Thank you,’ the woman responded 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in,
                             
She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary
beads and praying...

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them…

After a few minutes, her female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to  have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...
                             

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,


'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!
                 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jul 23, 2014, 07:31:26 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 23, 2014, 04:14:47 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 24, 2014, 04:55:46 AM

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jul 24, 2014, 07:46:47 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 24, 2014, 04:28:58 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Jul 24, 2014, 09:46:18 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/v/t1.0-9/16103_10151111924421371_475835148_n.jpg?oh=85b55991f7a4b2826c21216e046fb27a&oe=5452E9F9&__gda__=1413433263_00768d3d21381ce6e5860d92ec38a4cf)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 25, 2014, 02:26:06 AM

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An newly annointed angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

 So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

 One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

 Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

 God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

 Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

 God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

 Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 25, 2014, 03:29:49 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 26, 2014, 07:35:23 AM

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He descends to a lower height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

 The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude."

 "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

 "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

 "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

 The man below says, "You must be a manager."

 "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

 "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 26, 2014, 02:53:22 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 27, 2014, 06:42:03 AM

Three freshman engineering students were sitting together at lunch time, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.

 One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.

 Another disagreed, and proclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and pullies is ingenious.

 "No," the third student said "your both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 27, 2014, 09:37:49 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 28, 2014, 04:30:19 PM

The newly-weds are in their honeymoon suite and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his pants and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

 The bride replies, "I can't wear your pants."

 "And don't forget that" he replies, "I will always wear the pants in this family!"

 The bride takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

 He replies, "I can't get into your panties!"

 "And you never will if you don't change your attitude."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 28, 2014, 04:46:02 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 29, 2014, 07:39:20 AM





 

A fire chief had just gotten married and on his honeymoon he informed his new wife that their house was going to be run like a firehouse... he said that they would have sex on the bell system.
 He went on to say that one bell meant take your clothes off... two bells meant get into bed... and three bells meant start fooling around.

 The fire chief came home from work one day and decided to try out his system.... he hollered "One Bell" and she took off her clothes.

 He hollered "Two Bells" and she got into bed.

 He hollered "Three Bells" and they started fooling around like crazy.

 A few minutes later, SHE yells "Four Bells."

 "Four Bells?" the fire chief asks, "What is four bells?"

 "Let out more hose!" she yelled. "You're nowhere near the fire
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jul 29, 2014, 12:06:04 PM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 30, 2014, 05:48:24 AM
The firefighter climbs the ladder to the bedroom of a burning house, and there he finds a curvaceous brunette,

 "Ah", he says, "you are the third pregnant girl I've rescued this month".

 "But, I'm not pregnant!"

 "You're not rescued yet!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 30, 2014, 06:22:06 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 31, 2014, 08:12:56 AM

A solider and a cop and a firefighter die and go to heaven. Upon their arrivial, Saint Peter greets them at the Pearly Gates. He announces to the three of them that if they can count to 10 he will let them enter heaven.

 The solider goes up and starts to march Hut 1 2 3 4 Saint Peter says to him sorry son.

 The cop goes next and pulls out his service revolver and starts to load it with bullets 1 2 3 4 5 6 sorry son Saint Peter says.

 The firefighter is next and says 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 well done Saint Peter says and asks him if he can count higher, "for sure" the firefighter says and says JACK QUEEN KING ACE.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jul 31, 2014, 08:24:45 AM
nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 31, 2014, 06:08:44 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 01, 2014, 06:45:59 AM

Sixteen years ago, a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his bakery and confronted the baker with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

 Finally he offered to provide her with free baked goods (bread) until the boy was 16. She agreed.

 He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the bread each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

 "I know," said the baker with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this loaf of bread home, that it is the last loaf of bread she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

 When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

 The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the baker and tell him I have also had free meat, free milk, and free health care for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 01, 2014, 07:20:55 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 01, 2014, 03:31:27 PM
nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 04, 2014, 07:00:47 AM

One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

 Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 04, 2014, 07:22:30 AM
good one. I like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 04, 2014, 06:24:05 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 05, 2014, 05:15:03 AM

It was the 60's and this father was very anxious to marry off his daughter to a good man, so he wanted to impress her first date.

 "Do you like to screw?" he asks.

 "Huh?!" replied the surprised young man.

 "My daughter, she loves to screw and she's very good at it. You and she should go screw." carefully explained the father.

 Now very interested, the boy replied, "Yes, sir!" Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left.

 After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, get it right, it's the TWIST!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 05, 2014, 06:50:07 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 06, 2014, 05:21:08 AM

 I think this one has been told before but it always leaves me with a smile.

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.

 She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?

 She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing.

 To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"

 Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
 The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."

 To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 06, 2014, 05:48:13 AM
       
                           
                              
     (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOgd9hitEAE)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Aug 06, 2014, 09:09:15 AM
hehehehehehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 06, 2014, 04:39:34 PM
hahahahaha
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 07, 2014, 06:49:27 AM

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

 "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

 "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."

 "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

 The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

 "There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 12, 2014, 07:00:42 AM

A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."

 This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.

 She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.

 She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"

 He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 12, 2014, 07:29:17 AM
like it
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 12, 2014, 06:15:57 PM
 :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Aug 13, 2014, 06:26:21 AM
 ;D

(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/t1.0-9/10371705_10152486231137783_1255307232379189207_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 13, 2014, 06:44:53 AM




 

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

 The first dwarf, however, is unable to get a stiffy. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUUUH!" all night long.

 In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

 The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get a hard on."

 The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!!!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 13, 2014, 09:01:42 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 13, 2014, 05:07:55 PM
;D

(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/t1.0-9/10371705_10152486231137783_1255307232379189207_n.jpg)
Nice  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Aug 13, 2014, 07:41:20 PM
good---------- ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Aug 14, 2014, 05:46:10 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 14, 2014, 06:40:18 AM

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

 "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

 "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

 "Why?" asked the pilot.

 "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

 After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 14, 2014, 07:16:08 AM
I like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 15, 2014, 05:42:49 AM

At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."

 "The truth is," replied the Politician, "That she has a big mouth."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 16, 2014, 05:47:04 AM

When a visitor to a small town in Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and choked it to sleep with his two hands.

 A local journalist saw this happen, congratulated the man and told him he wanted to write a story called, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

 The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from that town.

 "Well, then," the journalist said, "the story will be called, 'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog'."

 "Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

 "In that case," the journalist said in a huff, "the story will be called, 'Yankee Kills Family Pet'."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 16, 2014, 06:03:02 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 17, 2014, 05:29:19 AM

A husband desperate to keep his hot wife happy offers to buy is wife a new car. She cutely declines his offer by saying, "That's not quite what I had in mind."

 Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer, "That's not quite what I had in mind."

 Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?"

 She retorts, "I'd like a divorce."

 He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 17, 2014, 06:37:03 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 17, 2014, 07:45:05 AM
I like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 18, 2014, 06:20:37 AM

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

 "Sure do," replied the bartender.

 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 19, 2014, 05:24:17 AM

An anxious 15 year old girl comes home from school.

 "Mum," she asks tentatively, "can you get pregnant from anal sex?"

 "Don't be silly of course you can," replies her mother, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 19, 2014, 07:19:22 AM
Good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 20, 2014, 05:19:30 AM

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their hot air ballon is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry.

 Afraid of landing in the ocean, they stay adrift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a beautiful meadow below.

 As they begin to descend, they see a man walking his dog.

 One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"

 The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."

 Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."

 The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"

 The first says, "It's simple, the information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 21, 2014, 05:03:35 AM

A married man and his secretary were having torrid affair. One afternoon
 they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where
 they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished,
 they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly.
 Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on
 the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.
 The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked
 where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I
 are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the
 afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
 The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see
 those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR!
 You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Aug 21, 2014, 07:57:58 AM
That's a good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 22, 2014, 03:09:11 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 22, 2014, 05:30:38 AM
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

 The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

 She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

 Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

 She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

 Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

 He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Aug 22, 2014, 07:41:24 AM
(http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e322/swampstalker/roflmao.gif)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 22, 2014, 07:53:10 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 23, 2014, 07:19:33 AM

A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down. After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

 The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 23, 2014, 06:57:07 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 24, 2014, 07:12:56 AM
Bob, a hunter, went on camping trip with his wife, kids, and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the forrest, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone.

 Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

 Bob picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

 In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large bear stood facing her.

 The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

 "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The bear got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 24, 2014, 07:28:32 AM
I like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 24, 2014, 02:02:52 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 25, 2014, 06:31:56 AM

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

 He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

 "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

 "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

 "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 25, 2014, 07:24:18 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: OTIS on Aug 25, 2014, 11:38:06 AM
Nice!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 25, 2014, 05:38:27 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 26, 2014, 06:17:09 AM

A woman takes her 15-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

 The mother says, "It's my daughter Mandy. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

 The doctor gives Mandy a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Mandy is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

 The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Mandy?"

 Mandy says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

 The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

 The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 26, 2014, 07:24:51 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Aug 26, 2014, 09:01:00 AM
   Two nuns were riding their bicycles back to the convent one afternoon. About halfway there, one nun says to the other, " You know, I've never come this way before."  The other nun, pedaling away, replied, "Yeah. I think it's the cobble stones."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 26, 2014, 05:44:46 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 27, 2014, 05:33:42 AM

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

 The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
 "Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".

 The old man replied, "I thought so...would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window...they're choking my ducks
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 27, 2014, 05:53:34 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 28, 2014, 03:28:05 AM





 

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 60 year old grandma has a baby.

 All her sons daughters and grandchildren come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

 When they ask to see the baby, the 60 year grandmother says, "Not yet."

 A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again grandmother says, "Not yet."

 Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

 And the grandmother says, "When the baby cries."

 So they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

 The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 28, 2014, 04:07:27 AM
nice  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 28, 2014, 07:31:38 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 29, 2014, 10:53:09 AM
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

 The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

 After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

 The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 29, 2014, 03:38:38 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Aug 29, 2014, 06:10:08 PM
good good good----
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 30, 2014, 06:54:19 AM





 

Joey was a great guy with wonderful qualities except for unbelievably stinky feet. Sharon was a fabulous gal with everything going for her except her terrible breath. Because of these qualities neither dared to date anyone.

 When they met, however, they knew they were right for each other. As the relationship grew neither could reveal their embarrassing features to each other. When Joey wanted to kiss her, Sharon would decline. Sharon would want to take long walks on the beach but Joey would refuse.

 Later they decided to get married and in their hotel room the moment that comes to all newlyweds had arrived. Sharon decided to reveal her secret and said' "Joey there is something I must tell you. I..."

 and Joey interrupted, "I know, you ate my socks"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 30, 2014, 06:56:31 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 31, 2014, 06:35:06 AM


There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.

 He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 31, 2014, 06:58:21 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 01, 2014, 06:33:00 AM





 


Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 01, 2014, 06:34:23 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Sep 01, 2014, 07:39:39 AM
LOL!!!!   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Sep 01, 2014, 11:37:40 AM
nice one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 02, 2014, 07:17:02 AM

The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet.

 The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

 "That's OK with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire."

 About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.

 "What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.

 "Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"

 "Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts.

 He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.

 "Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.

 A huge redneck, about 6'-8," steps forward, a shotgun in his hand. "I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"

 The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Sep 02, 2014, 08:47:14 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 03, 2014, 06:02:37 AM

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

 "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

 "And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

 "From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 03, 2014, 05:24:05 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 04, 2014, 07:08:54 AM

Ten-year-old Daphne brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

 However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Daphne is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

 Daphne's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Daphne because I would like to try it out on her mother."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Sep 04, 2014, 09:30:29 AM
LOL   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Sep 04, 2014, 12:15:52 PM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 04, 2014, 06:01:08 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 05, 2014, 06:20:53 AM

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

 Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

 "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

 Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

 "What does that tell you?"

 Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

 Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

 Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
 "
 Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you retard.

 Some bastard has stolen our tent!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 05, 2014, 03:57:33 PM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 06, 2014, 02:48:29 AM


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up
 that reads "low bridge ahead." 
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 06, 2014, 05:50:56 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Sep 06, 2014, 07:07:18 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 11, 2014, 05:14:29 PM


I had computer problems but I'm back now!

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how ruthless her husband was during the divorce proceedings, when she finds a magic lamp washed up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical catholic genie!

 The catholic genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. For freeing him from the lamp, the catholic genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he says the wishes have a caveat, because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband twenty times the amount of whatever she wishes.

 The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a ten million dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of money. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 200 million dollars.

 The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns twenty of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of twenty such mansions.

 Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.

 "No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish...I'd like to give birth to triplets."

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 12, 2014, 04:12:42 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 12, 2014, 05:37:18 AM


A small boy was lost at the beach, so he went up to a lifeguard and said, "I've lost my dad!"

 The lifeguard said, "What's he like?"

 The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Sep 12, 2014, 06:54:46 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Sep 12, 2014, 02:50:39 PM
LOL!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 12, 2014, 06:54:37 PM


                      ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 13, 2014, 06:39:22 AM

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer.

 "Look, I’ll give you $200 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

 It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:

 "Will you promise to love her always monetarialy and physically, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

 The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the priest and said under his breath, "I thought we had a deal."

 The priest put the $200 back into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Sep 13, 2014, 07:43:47 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 13, 2014, 04:36:12 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 14, 2014, 06:17:01 AM

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.

 "Is is beef?" Their daughter Mandy asked.

 "Nope."

 "Is it pork?" the son AJ asked.

 "Nope."

 "Heck, we don't know, Dad!" AJ exclaimed.

 "I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."

 "Spit it out, AJ!" cried Mandy, "We're eating A^^Hole!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 14, 2014, 06:23:47 AM
hehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Sep 14, 2014, 06:34:01 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 15, 2014, 07:21:29 AM


I once met a man who had been married for 50 years. "Amazing. 50 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"

 "Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions."

 "Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"

 "Oh, yes," he said proudly. "50 years, and so far, not one big decision!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 15, 2014, 04:07:03 PM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 16, 2014, 06:17:01 AM

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was Intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you’re ugly."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Sep 16, 2014, 07:46:19 AM
HA!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Sep 16, 2014, 08:03:15 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Sep 16, 2014, 01:10:30 PM
Now that's funny !
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 16, 2014, 04:49:24 PM
LOL   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Sep 16, 2014, 04:51:33 PM
hahahahahahaha
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 17, 2014, 06:10:49 AM

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Sep 17, 2014, 07:51:00 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 17, 2014, 03:50:07 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 18, 2014, 04:07:39 AM

A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest.
 They ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived.
 The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair that he would grant them 3 wishes a piece if they would just leave him alone. The pair agreed.
 The bear said he would go first. "I wish...that all the bears in this forest were female."
 The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet.
 The bear thought that strange but continued. "I wish...that all the bears in this country to be female!" The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned again and wished for a motorcycle. He jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it.
 The bear looked at the bunny and said, "You must be the stupidest bunny I ever met!"
 Then he asked for his last wish. "I wish...that all the bears in this world to be female!"
 The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and said, "I wish the bear was gay."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 18, 2014, 04:09:57 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: adkRoy on Sep 18, 2014, 09:36:55 AM
Funny video of deer hunting gone bad:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Az7Q48QBQbE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Az7Q48QBQbE)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 19, 2014, 12:46:52 AM


          :) :)     Bet he wish he didn't do that now
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 19, 2014, 05:49:33 AM

Health care costs are rising uncontrollably across the world. In America, taxes have been on the rise just to pay for them.

 In England, they have begun rationing health care services and in some cases they have waiting lists for services just to reduce costs even more.

 In fact, they now have a nine month waiting list for abortions
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 19, 2014, 04:05:28 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Sep 19, 2014, 04:11:49 PM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 20, 2014, 05:27:39 AM

There were three basketball players, one from Duke, North Carolina, and Michigan State, standing on a burning buildings roof in Indianapolis.

 The fire department came with a blanket and yelled to the Duke player to jump. He jumped and they moved it to the right. He hit the sidewalk with a splat.

They then called to the North Carolina player to jump. He said that he wouldn't jump. They said they liked North Carolina better than Duke. So he jumped and the fire department moved the blanket to the left. The North Carolina player hit with a splat on the sidewalk.

Then they called to the Michigan State player to jump. He said that he wouldn't jump. The fire department said they hated Duke and North Carolina. He yelled back and said, "Lay the blanket down, and then I'll jump!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 20, 2014, 05:39:04 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 23, 2014, 06:14:07 AM


Two Florida State football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.

 The exam was "fill in the blank" and the last question read, "Old MacDonald had a____." Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

 Making sure the teacher wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. "Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM."

 "Oh yeah," said Bubba, "I remember now." he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

 "You are really dumb, Bubba. that's so easy," hissed Tiny, "farm is spelled ‘E-I-E-I-O’."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Sep 23, 2014, 06:34:50 AM
Good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 24, 2014, 04:10:28 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 24, 2014, 05:54:18 AM

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

 The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

 "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

 "Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Sep 24, 2014, 09:08:41 AM
(https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/v/t1.0-9/556669_305015939602711_2103398099_n.jpg?oh=acdd935bcc9e7bc07bb485a93bd6c02d&oe=548A379B)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: OTIS on Sep 24, 2014, 10:58:26 AM
Took me an hour to get my wife out of that maze!  >:(  8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 24, 2014, 04:28:28 PM
 


          Nice one hehehe    Glad I got me a light brown haired wife  :) :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 25, 2014, 05:31:55 AM

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

 A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

 When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

 The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Sep 25, 2014, 01:43:13 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/1393689_10151778876560754_1196633629_n.jpg?oh=8eadf7092ad9a7ed9fdb89cc27266fc8&oe=54CBCD35&__gda__=1418573727_f824a658636be0ff7d3cf085c086029e)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: MikmaqMenace on Sep 25, 2014, 02:15:27 PM
There was a five year old boy at the Bangor Mall with his mother. They were in Victoria Secret, and while she was trying on some lingerie, the young boy was looking at some mannequins. Mom comes out the fitting room and see's her little boy with his hand up the mannequins lingerie. The mother says " Hunny no!!! There are teeth down there, don't touch." Young boy, petrified, quickly removes hand thanking god he wasn't bit.

10 years later........
 Same boy is on the couch with his girlfriend, they are making out and getting all hot and bothered, when the girl says " you know, we can do more if you want..."
Boy replies "what do you mean?"
"You know" she said grinning, as she unbuttons her pants.
"Hell no!! My mom said there's teeth down there" the boy said aghast.
"No there's not, look.."  Says the girl as she removes her pants and panties, puts her legs behind her head, " See, I told you there are no teeth down there."
Boy shakes his head, "well your right, there are no teeth there, and with the condition of those gums no wonder!!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 25, 2014, 06:09:44 PM
Good one  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 26, 2014, 05:27:15 AM

A Canadian guy, an American guy, a Japanese guy, and a Middle Eastern guy walk into a bar.
 They all have a couple of beers, and get to bragging.
 The American guy boasts, "I'm so lucky, I have 4 beautiful children, one more and I would have a basketball team."
 Not to be outdone, the Canadian guy retorts, "I am luckier than you, I have 5 gifted children, one more and I could form a hockey team."
 So, the Japanese guy chimes in with, "Well, I surely have both of you topped. I have 8 children. Just one more and I would have a baseball team."
 Pausing, briefly, the Middle Eastern guy replies, "Well, I am betting I have all you fools beat. my harem houses 17 wives, one more and I would have a golf course!".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 26, 2014, 03:32:10 PM


(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/71556cf977295eb7cb90def68602b90f.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/71556cf977295eb7cb90def68602b90f.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 26, 2014, 06:18:15 PM
Nice one  :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 27, 2014, 05:39:03 AM

A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.

 "Carmen," she replied.

 That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,

 "Who named you, your mother?"

 "No, I named myself, she answered.

 "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

 "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.

 "Beersex."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Sep 27, 2014, 05:40:47 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 27, 2014, 05:53:51 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 28, 2014, 05:46:17 AM

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

 The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

 "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

 The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

 The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 28, 2014, 06:29:21 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: seags on Sep 28, 2014, 08:13:00 AM
I hope that is was Seagrams 7.
    That one was cool.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Sep 28, 2014, 08:24:16 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: windwalker on Sep 28, 2014, 08:37:04 AM
That was great , thanks for the laugh ............LOL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 29, 2014, 05:52:20 AM

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

 The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened".

 Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend."

 The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ?

 " The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"

 "What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Sep 29, 2014, 08:19:41 AM
GOOD ONE.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 29, 2014, 11:12:40 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 30, 2014, 05:39:48 AM

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded. "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled. "Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it." "In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 30, 2014, 04:40:00 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Sep 30, 2014, 04:42:57 PM
I like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 01, 2014, 06:19:07 AM

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

 When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign.

 The man thought that was great.

 A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.

 The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

 The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 01, 2014, 05:22:26 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 02, 2014, 05:45:46 AM

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

 Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"

 "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

 The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 02, 2014, 08:25:53 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Oct 02, 2014, 01:10:43 PM
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 02, 2014, 03:49:49 PM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 02, 2014, 05:27:27 PM


                     Nice one    ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 03, 2014, 05:55:08 AM

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
 He asks the other guy if he has a lighter
 He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter
 Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
 The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
 The first man asks "Can I make a wish? "
 Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
 "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants
 The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
 The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
 And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?"
 The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: buckblaster on Oct 03, 2014, 06:13:36 AM
HAHA good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 04, 2014, 07:34:09 AM





 

Three men went to Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel
and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters
so the first man went up to their father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"
the father said "no but you can sleep with the pigs."
the second man went to the father and said
 "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said " no but you can sleep with the cows."
the third man said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"
the father said "yes."
so in the morning the three men and the father
 had a conversation over breakfast the first man said "I slept like a pig"
the second man said "I slept like a cow"
the third man said "I felt like a golfer"
the father asked why?
he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: MikmaqMenace on Oct 04, 2014, 11:14:20 AM
lmao, good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 04, 2014, 02:15:47 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 05, 2014, 05:46:58 AM

A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled.

 "All I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the work."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 05, 2014, 06:50:09 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 05, 2014, 08:35:40 AM
I like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: MikmaqMenace on Oct 05, 2014, 07:30:14 PM
An older, balding, white haired, duck hunter from Northern Minnesota, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

Join Our Field Staff: http://FowlFanatics.com/field-staff/

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something a little more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.

The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check.

I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.’

‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 06, 2014, 05:40:20 AM

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about
 all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

 "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.

 "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

 Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
 the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male
 Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a
 teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

 "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.

 "Why?" he asked, "What’s the matter?"

 "Well," she replied, "it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!"

 "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.
 With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite
 impressively long. "Well," she said. "That’s quite impressive, but it’s still
 pretty narrow."

 "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull
 his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was
 extremely exciting to the woman.

 "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
 love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went
 off together.

 As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"

 "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"

 "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the
 forehead and pulling my ears all night."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 07, 2014, 04:02:31 AM
    ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 07, 2014, 05:30:28 AM

There once was a girl who wasn't feeling very pretty so she went to a genie to make her pretty.
 The genie told her that to make her feel pretty, he would make it so that every time someone apologized to her her boobs would increase by one size.
 So the girl is walking down the street and someone bumps into her and says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and the woman's boobs went up one size.
 Then someone accidentally stepped on her foot and said, "I'm sorry," and her boobs got one size bigger.
 Then she's walking down the street and a man from India bumps into her and says, "Oh my god! A thousand apologies!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 07, 2014, 04:08:17 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 08, 2014, 05:27:56 AM

Jose came to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it.

 When he got there, the game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look.

 "What happened?" asked his family.

 "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands, and all the players, stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 08, 2014, 07:00:37 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Oct 08, 2014, 09:32:28 AM
 An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look .... . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could along the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him ....

He looked over his shoulder again,
and the bear was even closer ....

and then ..... He tripped and fell.

Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him .........
reaching towards him with its left paw ......
and raising the right paw to strike ...

At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped ...
The bear froze ......
The forest was silent ....

A bright light shone upon the man,
and a voice came out of the sky ....

"You deny my existence for all these years,
you teach others I don't exist
and even credit creation to cosmic accident ........
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"
"Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light .....
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now ...
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

... a pause ...
"Very well," said the voice ...

The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed ......

And the bear dropped his right arm .......
brought both paws together ....
bowed his head & spoke ...

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive.

Amen."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 08, 2014, 09:55:00 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 08, 2014, 06:22:51 PM



             Nice Very Nice    :)  :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 09, 2014, 05:50:29 AM

A world class jockey is about to enter a competition on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, ‘’All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.'’

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

 They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers ‘Aleeee ooop’ in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

 At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ‘’It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,'’ and yells, ‘’ALLLEEE OOOP!'’ really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

 The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ‘’Nothing is wrong with me - it’s this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?'’

The trainer replies, ‘’Deaf? DEAF? He’s not deaf - he’s BLIND!'’
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 10, 2014, 05:27:04 AM

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.

 At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

 So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man."

 So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.

 When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren’t you the inventor of woman?"

 Adam says, "Yes."

 "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
 1) There is too much front end protusion
 2) It chatters at high speeds
 3) The rear end wobbles too much
 4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."

 "Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on".

 So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.

 The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.

 He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: upstatehunter on Oct 10, 2014, 06:01:34 AM
 8) ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: NYSporty on Oct 10, 2014, 08:00:03 AM
I have posted this before but its been 2 years so for the new guys...

There was a bunch of guys out at there hunting camp playing cards and drinking one guy Bob really over did it and was plowed.
The next morning Bob wouldn't budge from his bunk so they all left him to sleep it off and took to there stands.
 At lunch time the guys are all heading back to the cabin and find that Bob has fallen asleep while going to the bathroom in the woods.
One of the men runs back to where they gutted a deer and took the gut pile and placed it under Bob's bare butt and they continue on to the cabin.
A while later the guys are all at the table eating when Bob bursts through the door yelling "You guys are never going to believe what happened to me!"
"I went out to go to the bathroom and fell asleep when I woke up I had shat all my guts out, but with the grace of god and these 2 fingers I got them all back in." 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 11, 2014, 05:45:41 AM

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.

 She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

 The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.

 His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

 Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 11, 2014, 07:23:14 AM
Good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 11, 2014, 06:40:02 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 12, 2014, 04:16:11 AM

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."

 The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"

 The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

 The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."

 The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."

 The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

 The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."

 The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."

 The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

 The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

 The foreman does this and says "Ready!"

 The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."

 The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."

 The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"

 The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

 The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"

 The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a  outhouse door off a tuna boat."

 He got the job.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 12, 2014, 06:10:51 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 12, 2014, 06:07:10 PM
Nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 13, 2014, 05:38:22 AM

A loser is having a hard time picking up chicks, so his well traveled friend takes him to a nightclub in Daytona where he tells him that he will score for sure. The loser enters the bar, sees his prey, and begins to barrage her with pick up lines that he acquired from his friend. The young lady continues to ignore him but finally gives in. She says " OK, I’ll spend the night with you, but I’ve got to let you know up front that I’m on my menstrual cycle. The loser looks at her and says " That’s OK. I’ll follow you on my Moped.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 13, 2014, 05:53:02 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 14, 2014, 03:48:43 AM

One day NikNasty is walking into town with a wagon load of duct tape. Farmer Jim say's where are you going with all that duct tape.
 NikNasty says "I'm going to catch me some ducks"
 "You aint gonna catch no ducks with that there duck tape" Says Farmer Jim
 But sure enough the next day NickNasty comes back with some ducks and a wagon load of Chicken Wire
 "What are you going to do with all that Chicken Wire? Now don't tell me...." Says Farmer Jim
 NikNasty says " I'm gonna catch me some chickens"
 "You aint going to catch no chickens with that there Chickenwire" Says Farmer Jim
 But sure enough the next day Niknasty rolls into town with chickens and a wagon load of PussyWillows
 Farmer Jim says "Is that a wagon load of PussyWillows?"
 "Yup, the finest I could find" says NikNasty
 Father Jim says "Wait I'll go get my coat"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 14, 2014, 04:05:34 AM
  Nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 15, 2014, 04:17:36 AM

Hello?
 Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone?
 No, daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
 After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you don't have an Uncle Paul.
 Oh yes I do, & he's upstairs in the room with mommy right now.
 Brief pause. Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddy's car just pulled up.
 Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the little girl comes back to the phone.
 I did it daddy.
 And what happened honey?
 Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screaming then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isn't moving at all!
 OMG!!!
 What bout your uncle Paul?
 He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it & I think he's dead!
 Real long pause!
 Then daddy says, Swimming pool? Is this 486-5732?
 Lil girl says No I think you have the wrong number
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 16, 2014, 04:14:59 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 16, 2014, 05:16:56 AM

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 16, 2014, 05:01:49 PM
Nice  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 16, 2014, 05:51:49 PM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 17, 2014, 03:43:49 AM



Cold Winter


The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the

winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

  . /


 

 























































         
    














 

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 17, 2014, 04:00:27 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 20, 2014, 05:26:24 AM

A blonde, who had just dyed her hair, went to the hospital because her whole body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate. She touched her nose and it hurt. She touched her stomach and it hurt. The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes.

 "Look Here Lady, your finger is broken!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 20, 2014, 06:32:16 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 21, 2014, 05:34:12 AM

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he
 read her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would
 take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled
 cheek. Then, she would touch her own cheek, thoughtfully.

 Finally she spoke, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

 "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

 "Did God make me too?" she asked.

 Yes, indeed, honey," he answered. "God made you just a
 little while ago."

 She touched his face and then her own again.

 "He's getting better at it, isn't He?" she said.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 21, 2014, 05:33:29 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 22, 2014, 03:36:12 AM

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process, told him
that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured
he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his
wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his
password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that
he was keying in
"penis"
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer
replied:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 22, 2014, 03:49:53 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 23, 2014, 05:22:36 AM
A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 23, 2014, 05:15:26 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 23, 2014, 06:20:06 PM
 8) 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Oct 23, 2014, 10:35:22 PM
LOL!  Taught my Mrs. to play fart and burp baseball years ago.  8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 24, 2014, 05:53:11 AM

A man goes to the toy store to buy his daughter a birthday present.
 Being a real macho guy, he has no idea what to get her so he asks
 for some assistance from a clerk.

 "I thought I'd buy her a doll", he says, "but which one should I get?"

 "Well, here we have some of the more popular ones. we have the Malibu
 Barbie for $12.00, which comes with a bathing suit and a towel. We have
 the Ballerina Barbie for $23.00, which comes with a tutu and a cassette.
 We have the Aerobics Barbie for $30.00, which comes with a leotard and
 a workout CD. And we have the new Divorce, Barbie for $1500.00."

 The man was flabbergasted. "Why does that one cost so much more
 than the others?"

 "Oh well that's easy.", replied the clerk, "This Barbie comes with Ken's
 car, Ken's boat, Ken's house, Ken's..."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 25, 2014, 05:53:36 AM

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that

her daughter was having sex...

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the

family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug

her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 27, 2014, 04:30:25 AM

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
 around with a fly swatter.

 "What are you doing?" She asked.

 "Hunting Flies" He responded.

 "Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.

 "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.

 Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

 He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 27, 2014, 06:03:37 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 28, 2014, 06:30:56 AM

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl
 approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, want to play house?"
 
 He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
 
 The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
 
 "Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea
 what that means."
 
 The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 28, 2014, 08:26:29 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: maineduckhunter on Oct 28, 2014, 10:28:22 AM
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d83/newell-34/521515_421170217906073_1752098328_n_zps3ca9d491.jpg) (http://s33.photobucket.com/user/newell-34/media/521515_421170217906073_1752098328_n_zps3ca9d491.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 28, 2014, 06:11:32 PM




                      hehehe   Great one duck hunter    :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 29, 2014, 05:53:28 AM


His and Hers ATM Machines
 

HIS

1. Pull up to ATM
 2. Insert card
 3. Enter PIN and account
 4. Take cash, card and receipt
 5. Drive away

HERS

1. Pull up to ATM
 2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
 4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
 6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
 8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
 9. Enter PIN
 10. Study instructions.
11. Hit "cancel"
 12. Reenter correct PIN
 13. Check balance
 14. Look for envelope
 15. Look in purse for pen
 16. Make out deposit slip
 17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
 19. Study instructions
 20. Make cash withdrawal
 21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
 23. Look for keys
 24. Start car
 25. Check makeup
 26. Start pulling away
 27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
 29. Get out of car
 30. Take card and receipt
 31. Get back in car
 32. Put card in wallet
 33. Put receipt in checkbook
 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
 37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
 39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
 41. Release parking brake
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: MikmaqMenace on Oct 29, 2014, 06:08:33 PM
LMFAO. Priceless!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 30, 2014, 03:57:22 AM
 :o :o   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 30, 2014, 05:27:56 AM


Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew
 

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
 *
 Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
 *
 Don't cut your hair. Ever.
 *
 Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he
 can find the perfect gift.
 *
 If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
 don't want to hear.
 *
 Sometimes, he is not thinking about you. Live with it.
 *
 Don't ask about his thoughts unless you want to discuss navel lint,
 shotguns, or monster trucks.
 *
 Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different. It's just like every other cat.
 *
 A dog is better than ANY cat. Period.
 *
 Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
 Let it be.
 *
 Shopping is not a sport.
 *
 Anything you wear is fine. Really.
 *
 You have enough clothes.
 *
 You have too many shoes.
 *
 Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect him to submit to it.
 *
 Your ex-boyfriend is, was, and always will be an idiot.
 *
 Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
 *
 No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark important days on
a calender.
 *
 Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think he
 would be any good at choosing which pair, out of your thirty, would look
 good with your dress?
 *
 Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
 *
 A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
 *
 Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
 *
 Foreign movies are best left to foreigners.
 *
 Check your oil.
 *
 Don't give him 50 rules when 25 will do.
 *
 It is neither in your best interest nor his to take the quiz together.
 *
 Anything said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
 comments become null and void after 7 days.
 *
 If you won't dress like Victoria's Secret women, don't expect us to act
 like soap opera men.
 *
 If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
 makes you sad and/or angry, we meant the other one.
 *
 You can either ask him to do something or tell him how you want it done
 -not both.
 *
 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
 *
 Consider golf a mini-vacation from each other. He needs it just as bad
 as you do.
 *
 Telling him that the models in men's magazines are airbrushed makes you
 look jealous and certainly is not going to deter him from reading them.
 *
 The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two month
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 30, 2014, 06:11:44 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 30, 2014, 06:15:51 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 31, 2014, 05:09:50 AM

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the
 waiting room, where their family member lay
 gravely ill.
 
 Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and
 somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news"
 he said, as he surveyed the worried faces.
 "The only hope left for your loved one at this
 time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental
 procedure, semi-risky, and you'll have
 to pay for the brain yourselves."
 
 The family members sat silent as they absorbed the
 news.
 
 At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a
 brain cost?"
 
 The doctor quickly responded, "A female brain goes
 for $2,000. A male brain costs $5,000."
 
 The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried
 not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women,
 but some actually smirked.
 
 A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out
 the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why does
 the male brain cost so much more?"
 
 The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then
 said to the entire group, "It's a standard pricing
 procedure. We mark the female brains down
 because they're used."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 31, 2014, 05:00:29 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 01, 2014, 05:54:26 AM

One day my housework-challenged husband decided
 to wash his sweatshirt...

 Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
 shouted to me,

 "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

 "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

 He yelled back, "Indiana University."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 01, 2014, 06:55:30 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 02, 2014, 04:16:04 AM

 man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 02, 2014, 06:50:49 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 02, 2014, 07:26:40 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 03, 2014, 05:28:16 AM

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 03, 2014, 06:04:09 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 04, 2014, 03:40:37 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 04, 2014, 04:43:42 AM


A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 04, 2014, 07:11:17 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 05, 2014, 05:03:45 AM

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I am not an American."

"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 05, 2014, 05:43:20 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 05, 2014, 06:37:18 PM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 06, 2014, 05:19:35 AM

One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear."

Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"

The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear."

The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
 And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 07, 2014, 03:47:34 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 07, 2014, 05:29:15 AM


Things Women Don't Know
 

Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses
 are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before


 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits


 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits


 4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The
Game


 5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too


 6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His


 7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First


 8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking


 9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging


 10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire


 11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up


 12. Introduction to Parking


 13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space


 14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat


 15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter


 16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption


 17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People


 18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully


 19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His


 20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To


 21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have


 22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice


 23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together


 24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both


 25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 07, 2014, 04:06:52 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Nov 07, 2014, 05:18:05 PM
cwazy list.....lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: duckey on Nov 07, 2014, 07:14:07 PM
I'll sign the wife up for # 1, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 19, 20, & 23.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 08, 2014, 03:35:09 AM

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

The man says "Oh just a beer".

The bartender asked the man "What's wrong, why are you so down today?".

The man said "My wife and i got into a fight, and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month".

The bartender said "So what's wrong with that"?

The man said "Well the month is up tonight".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 08, 2014, 05:41:17 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 08, 2014, 07:40:02 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 09, 2014, 05:08:44 AM

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
 They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon,
 when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

 They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain
 sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would
 notify him as soon as they found something.

 Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the
 boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead
 at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and
 attached to her was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth
 $50,000 .. . ..please advise"

 The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 10, 2014, 04:42:51 AM

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.
 The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him
 and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but,
 I want a divorce."

 The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
 She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it,
 because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and
 he's a much better lover than you."

 Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger
 increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband
 speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

 She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps
 driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

 She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the
 credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward
 a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you
 want?"

 The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

 She asks, "What's that?"

 The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,
 "I've got the airbag!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 10, 2014, 07:56:32 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 11, 2014, 04:57:16 AM

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a
 fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room,
 peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
 "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
 yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and
 horrible death this year."

 Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then
 at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took
 a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
 She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked
 her question.

 "Will I be acquitted?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 12, 2014, 03:57:50 AM

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord,
 I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at
 home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in
 our bodies." God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose,
 cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes,
 fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home
 and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the
 bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to
 the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery
shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's
 litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried
 to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the
kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an
 argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the
 kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and
 watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and
 washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans
 for supper.

After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,
 bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and,
 though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was
 expected to make love-which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord,
 I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being
 able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned
 your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 12, 2014, 08:48:30 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Nov 13, 2014, 04:49:35 AM
How can I go into the woods this morning if I haven't had a joke from 30-30???? You over sleep or something....hunts2long
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 13, 2014, 05:04:09 AM
How can I go into the woods this morning if I haven't had a joke from 30-30???? You over sleep or something....hunts2long
              I was up an hour ago and my computer was installing 8.1, I tried to end it but it wouldn't let me. I had it before and didn't care for it.
              Well I hope you're still home. Here is a joke. By the way I'm going on a week long hunting trip to northern Maine so I won't be on line till a week from
       Sunday.


Wisdom
 

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a
 lot on the kind of chick he marries.

 Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his
 salt that he forgets his sugar.

 Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

 When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts
 when they try to decide which one.

 If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a
 thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

 Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder
 that brides often blush.

 On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but
 never the present.

 A foolish husband remarks to his wife "Honey, you stick to the
 washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

 The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest
 is kept up.

 Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make a
 bed, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.

 Grandpappy and his wife were discussin' their 50th wedding
 anniversary when she said, "Shall I kill a chicken tonight?" "Naw,
 said Grandpappy, "Why blame a bird for something' that happened
 50 years ago."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Nov 13, 2014, 05:05:42 AM
Thanks. Just heading out the door. Good Luck on your trip to Maine.....h2l
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Nov 14, 2014, 08:59:16 AM
(http://images.playboy.com/playboy-digital/image/fetch/s--bEH1Z8hz--/c_limit%2Ch_576%2Cq_80%2Cw_695%2Fhttp%3A%2F%2Fimages.contentful.com%2Fogz4nxetbde6%2F28ndo8SKOQMawSKKaMQ82S%2F46121411c0468319b629ccdbcfecfd1b%2Fpeoples-ruined-days-15.gif)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mt.perchman on Nov 14, 2014, 09:09:19 AM
Thanks so much for the jokes !!!
Have a great trip !!! I have never seen that country yet.
Maybe in the next 50 years !!!!

Mt.Perchman
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 23, 2014, 04:31:53 AM

 Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."

God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behavior or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg..."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: the wizard on Nov 23, 2014, 07:16:00 AM
HA HA HA !  That's funny stuff right there..    Good one..
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 24, 2014, 03:26:39 AM

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, 2
gold front teeth, and a half-inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into
the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi.
You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.
I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for
nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing
is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who
wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he'll supply all your
clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be
provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas
holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you'll also have the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20s and has
a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're
 BS'n me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...you started
it."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 24, 2014, 03:57:08 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: myemmy on Nov 24, 2014, 04:12:18 AM
Ain,t. That right !!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Nov 24, 2014, 07:48:59 AM
Oh Yeah!!  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 25, 2014, 03:06:25 AM

                     
1   (http://www.youtube.com/embed/ub1Dc3NHZ3s?autoplay=1&cc_load_policy=1)


New Windows
 


The blonde had the windows in her house replaced with new
 double insulated energy efficient windows.

 Twelve months later she gets a call from the contractor,
 complaining that the work has been done for a year and
 she has yet to make the first payment.

The blonde replies, "don't try to pull a fast one on me. The
 salesman who sold me those told me that in one year
 they would pay for themselves.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 25, 2014, 03:53:19 AM
That is a Blonde  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 25, 2014, 07:16:51 AM
Good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 26, 2014, 03:22:43 AM

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday
 afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane
 developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane
 started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the
 passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately there
 were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I
 save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm the smartest man in the world,
 I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a
 long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of
 you. Take the last parachute and live in peace".

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said
 "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just jumped
 out with my back pack."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 26, 2014, 03:58:28 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Nov 26, 2014, 06:20:39 PM
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday
 afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane
 developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane
 started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the
 passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately there
 were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I
 save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm the smartest man in the world,
 I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a
 long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of
 you. Take the last parachute and live in peace".

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said
 "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just jumped
 out with my back pack."
That was my ex brother in law Jerry......
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 27, 2014, 05:09:18 AM

A blonde was very upset at all the dumb blonde jokes she was repeatedly
 hearing. She decided that she would learn all the state capitals in an
 effort to defend blondes everywhere. She went home and spent the entire
 evening learning them all.

The next day, someone at her office told a dumb blonde joke and she
 immediately retorted, "Hey ... I bet I know something that ALL of
 you don't know. I know ALL of the state capitals which proves
 that not all blondes are dumb."

 The people in her office were somewhat dubious. One of her
 co-workers finally asked, "OK ... what's the capital of Wyoming?"
 
 To which she smugly replied, "W."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 27, 2014, 08:40:09 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 27, 2014, 04:29:07 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 28, 2014, 03:28:23 AM

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 28, 2014, 04:24:28 AM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 28, 2014, 07:22:34 AM
Good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: the wizard on Nov 28, 2014, 08:34:09 AM
OH Man 30-30 that video of the dog is great !   Thanks.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 29, 2014, 05:02:54 AM

A blonde and a friend were walking down the street. One blonde noticed
 a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it,
 looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

 Her friend said, "Let me look!"

 So the blonde handed her the compact.

 Her friend looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, of course she
 looks familiar, it's me!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 30, 2014, 02:56:51 AM

After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his
 wife a little gift.

How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

 "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for
 $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.

 Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

 "What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 30, 2014, 07:40:59 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 30, 2014, 02:35:33 PM

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 30, 2014, 03:12:41 PM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 30, 2014, 04:49:51 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 01, 2014, 05:46:00 AM

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said
 the sarcastic teacher.

 After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"
 inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see
 you standing up there all by yourself."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 02, 2014, 06:05:54 AM

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was
 speeding down Main Street.

 "But officer," the man began, "I can explain..."

 "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool
 your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

 "But, officer, I just wanted to say...,"

 "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
 
 A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and
 said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's
 wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

 "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
 "I'm the groom."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 02, 2014, 03:49:04 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 03, 2014, 01:47:37 AM

     
Why Dogs Are Better Than Wives
 

Dogs don't cry.

*
Dogs love it when your friends come over.

*
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

*
Dogs think you sing great.

*
A dog's time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink.

*
Dogs don't expect you to call them when you're running late.

*
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

*
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

*
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dogs name.

*
Dogs are excited by rough play.

*
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

*
Dogs can appreciate excess body hair.

*
Anyone can get a good looking dog.

*
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

*
Dogs don't shop.

*
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

*
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

*
A dog's parents never come to visit.

*
Dogs love long car trips.

*
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

*
Dogs don't hate their bodies.

*
No dog ever bought a Kenny G. album.

*
No dog ever put on a hundred pounds after reaching adulthood.

*
Dogs never criticize.

*
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

*
Dogs never expect gifts.

*
Dogs don't worry about germs.

*
Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to your wallet, desk or
sock drawer.

*
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their life.

*
Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger than a lobster dinner.

*
You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready 24 hours a day.

*
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

*
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

*
Dogs never want a foot rub.

*
Dogs can't talk.

*
Dogs aren't catty.

*
Dogs seldom outlive you.




 

 
                 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 03, 2014, 04:17:21 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mt.perchman on Dec 03, 2014, 05:17:18 AM
😂😂😂😂
Thanks keep them coming !!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 04, 2014, 01:31:27 AM

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when  Emily, a young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap.  Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, 'What do you want for Christmas?'

'Something for my mother, please,' replied Emily sweetly.

'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What  would you like me to bring her?'

Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, 'A son-in-law.'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 04, 2014, 04:06:13 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Dec 04, 2014, 11:54:16 AM
(https://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/300013_275001749288886_1162408251_n.jpg?oh=fc80602673b30e9e6a87129228599fdb&oe=54D1DA9A)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 04, 2014, 04:12:01 PM



            Nice one Capt.   :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 05, 2014, 03:44:41 AM


                                       
                                                                   Is Santa a Woman?
 

I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy a
 sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is
 a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough
 time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
 
 For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
 gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem
 surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and
 mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm
 convinced Santa is a woman.
 
 Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up
 Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the
 tree, still in the bag.
 
 Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
 there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead,
 gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed,
 desperate claims that buck season had been extended.
 Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
 
 Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
 problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow
 and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
 
 Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
 
 - Men can't pack a bag.
 - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
 - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
 with all those elves.
 - Men don't answer their mail.
 - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in
 jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
 - Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
 - Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
 ability to pick up women.
 - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.


 
 
 
 

 
 
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 05, 2014, 04:20:24 AM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 06, 2014, 02:24:27 AM
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, 'Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

'No, madam, 'he replied, 'they're all dead.'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 06, 2014, 07:52:22 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 07, 2014, 04:32:13 AM

Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building. The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"

So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death. That weekend at the funeral, the Italian and the Chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me." And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde replies "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 07, 2014, 05:48:27 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Dec 07, 2014, 07:29:17 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 08, 2014, 05:38:25 AM

It was near Christmas and Clyde and Sam decided to build an ice skating rink in the middle of their pasture. A shepherd happened to be leading his flock nearby and decided to take a shortcut across the frozen field. But the sheep were afraid of the ice and wouldn't go onto it. The shepherd became frustrated and began tugging them along to the other side.

"Look at that," said Clyde. "That guy's trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 09, 2014, 05:44:30 AM

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/santa-joke-1.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/santa-joke-1.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 11, 2014, 12:10:52 AM

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

Christmas Present
 The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

 When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

 I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."

 The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

 "It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

 Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."

 When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

 Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

 And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.

 So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: slt on Dec 11, 2014, 05:56:21 PM
Two friends that have never been,decide to take up deer hunting. Neither has any experience in the great outdoors. On opening day they drive to the woods and separate, agreeing to meet back at the truck for lunch. Around lunch time one is heading back when he hears a racket in the brush. Assuming it's a deer he shoots into the thicket  BANG,BANG,BANG. He runs over to see what he has shot and finds his friend wounded. He is very excited and quickly pulls out his cell phone and dials 911

"Emergency dispatch,.What is your emergency?"

" I just shot my friend, I don't know what to do. I need help! I think he's dead!"

" Ok sir, try to remain calm so we can help you. Are you sure he's dead? "

" BANG......I am now. Now what?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 12, 2014, 05:22:58 AM


                                                                      Twenty ways to confuse Santa Claus

 1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

 2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

 3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

 4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

 5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

 6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

 7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

 8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

 9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

 10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("

 11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

 12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

 13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

 14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

 15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

 16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

 17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.

 18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.

 19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

 20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 13, 2014, 04:21:32 AM

An male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could
 never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love
 with a elf nurse.

 One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft
 music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of
 his problem.

 "Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."

 Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots
 smaller than that."

 "Really?" the relieved elf asked.

 She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 13, 2014, 04:49:33 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 14, 2014, 03:47:07 AM


                                                          Did Santa Give You That Present?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

 The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

 The kid says, "Yeah."

 The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

 The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

 The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

 Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

 The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 14, 2014, 05:51:58 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Dec 14, 2014, 08:39:07 AM
nice one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 15, 2014, 02:17:59 AM

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

Snowman As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

 The reindeer looked hard at the hoof full of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 15, 2014, 04:17:40 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 16, 2014, 06:04:48 AM


                                                                                             Ten worst gifts to buy a woman
 1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. One allowed choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

Snowman
 2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

 3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."

 4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.

 5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).

 6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

 7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

 8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, that's like wearing white after Labor Day.

 9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

 10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 16, 2014, 04:35:47 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 17, 2014, 04:38:44 AM
To the tune Of Santa Claus is Coming to Town


                           Your father is drunk
 
 Oh you better not shout, you better not cry,
 You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why,
 Daddy's home and I think he's drunk.

 He's walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks,
 I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks,
 Daddy's home and boy is he drunk,

 He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black
 And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track.
 Sooooooo....

 You better not pout, you better not cry,
 I don't like that look in his eye,
 Daddy's home and I think he's....
 Daddy's home and boy is he.......
 Daddy's home and he's really drunk!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Dec 17, 2014, 12:37:12 PM
(http://www.archerytalk.com/vb/attachment.php?attachmentid=2111008&d=1418840027)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 17, 2014, 02:40:29 PM
hahaha   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Dec 17, 2014, 09:05:42 PM

things to buy a woman for christmas for those 10 worse items she probably gets anyways:

8)  hunting clothes in lady fashion to show her assets well and warm boots to keep her dry
4)  truck appliance you wanted and she can take hunting to gather her groceries in
6)  deer stinky for her grocery shopping
7)  any gun to shoot with for the 10 worst gifts that have gotten and (jewelry) ammo to go along with gun
9)  gifts certificates from cabelas, gander are welcome to buy hunting goodies
10)  camo paint is a great way to hide those wrinkles without the lady knowing that is your intent
5)  camo nighties are great too for hiding in the house and  making for a wild night
1)  dehydrator for the groceries she brought home from the wild world grocery
2)  detergent with no scent to remove smells for the new hunting clothes you bought
3)  hunting knifes are great for filleting the groceries she dragged out of the wild

oh and i like snowman so those are welcome too....



                                                                                             Ten worst gifts to buy a woman
 1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. One allowed choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

Snowman
 2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

 3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."

 4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.

 5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).

 6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

 7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

 8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, that's like wearing white after Labor Day.

 9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

 10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 18, 2014, 03:39:23 AM


                                    Santa's Pet Peeves
 Department Store Santa Peeves

 8. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not gin.

 7. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.

 6. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch"

 5. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask

 4. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School

 3. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes

 2. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam

 1. Two words: lap rash
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 18, 2014, 04:43:21 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 19, 2014, 04:47:04 AM
                        Santa Hates Your Kid
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               
 8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

 7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes

 6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.

 5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.

 4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

 3. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the stupid list

 2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."

 1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 19, 2014, 02:41:13 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 20, 2014, 05:03:58 AM
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life was, of course “perfect.”
     
       One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a SUV) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple they stopped to help.
       
       There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
       
       Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
       
       Who was the survivor?
       
       The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
       
       So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was an accident.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 20, 2014, 05:45:16 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 21, 2014, 05:53:00 AM


Why doesn’t Santa have any children ?Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it’s down the chimney.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 21, 2014, 06:06:48 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 22, 2014, 03:42:36 AM

                                                          Twelve Days of Fast Food
 On the first day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 A Big Bacon Classic with cheese.


 On the second day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Two Happy Meals,
 and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the third day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the fourth day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the fifth day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the sixth day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Six chocolate milkshakes,
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the seventh day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Seven pints of cole slaw,
 Six chocolate milkshakes,
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the eighth day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Eight bowls of chili,
 Seven pints of cole slaw,
 Six chocolate milkshakes,
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the ninth day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Nine polish hot dogs,
 Eight bowls of chili,
 Seven pints of cole slaw,
 Six chocolate milkshakes,
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the tenth day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Ten baked potatoes,
 Nine polish hot dogs,
 Eight bowls of chili,
 Seven pints of cole slaw,
 Six chocolate milkshakes,
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the eleventh day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Eleven pounds of blubber,
 Ten baked potatoes,
 Nine polish hot dogs,
 Eight bowls of chili,
 Seven pints of cole slaw,
 Six chocolate milkshakes,
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the twelfth day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Twelve bags of Pepto,
 Eleven pounds of blubber,
 Ten baked potatoes,
 Nine polish hot dogs,
 Eight bowls of chili,
 Seven pints of cole slaw,
 Six chocolate milkshakes,
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with Cheese


 
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 22, 2014, 04:28:10 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 23, 2014, 03:58:00 AM

•What kind of motorcycle does Santy ride?
 A "Holly" Davidson!
•Why does Santa always go down the chimney?
 Because it soots him!
•Who delivers Christmas presents to pets?
 Why, Santa Paws of course!
•Where does Santa stay when he's on holidays?
 At a Ho-ho-tel!
•What would you call Father Christmas if he became a detective?
 Santa Clues!
•What does Santa get if he gets stuck in a chimney?
  Claustrophobic!
•What does Mrs. Claus sing to Santy on his birthday?
 "Freeze a jolly good fellow!"
•How many chimneys does Saint Nick go down?
 Stacks!
•What does Santa put on his toast?
 "Jingle Jam"
•What goes oh, oh, oh?
 Santa Claus walking backwards!
•What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a duck?
 A Christmas Quacker!
•Why does Santa owe everything to the elves?
 Because he is an elf-made man!
•An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill.  Which one picked it up??
 Santa!  The other two don't exist!
•What nationality is Santa Claus?
 North Polish!
•What do you do if Santa Claus gets stuck in your chimney?
 Pour Santa flush on him!
•What's red and green and flies?
 An airsick Santa Claus!
•What does Santa say to the toys on Christmas Eve?
 Okay everyone, sack time!
•What do you call Saint Nick after he has come down the chimney?
 Cinder Claus!
•What do the elves call it when Père Noël claps his hands at the end of a play?
 Santapplause!
•What's red and white and falls down the chimney?
 Santa Klutz!
•Why does Santa like to work in his garden?
  Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!
•Where does Father Christmas go to vote?
 The North Poll!
•What do you call a kitty on the beach on Christmas morning?
 Sandy Claws!
•What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh! Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
 Santa caught in a revolving door!
•Why does Santa's sleigh get such good mileage?
 Because it has long-distance runners on each side!
•Who delivers presents to dentist offices?
 Santa Jaws!
•How does Père Noël take pictures?
 With his North "Pole"-aroid!
•What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he looked out the window?
 Looks like "rain", "Dear"!
•What's red & white and red & white and red & white?
 Santa rolling down a hill!
•What is twenty feet tall, has sharp teeth and goes Ho Ho Ho?
 Tyranno-santa Rex!
•How do we know Santa is such a good race car driver?
 Because he's always in the pole position!
•What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
 His north pole!
•Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?
 Elephanta Claus!
•What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?
 Crisp Kringle!
•What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
 His north pole!
•Why does St. Nicholas have a white beard?
 So he can hide at the North Pole!
•What do you call Santa when he has no money?
 Saint "Nickel"-less!
•What smells most in a chimney?
 Santa's nose!
•What does Kris Kringle like to get when he goes to the donut shop?
 A jolly roll!
•What do you call someone who doesn't believe in Father Christmas?
 A rebel without a Claus!
•What did Santa get when he crossed a woodpecker with kleenex?
 Rapping paper!
•What does Santa like to have for breakfast?
 Mistle-"toast"!
•What is invisible but smells like milk and cookies?
 Kris Kringle burps!



 

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 23, 2014, 01:38:50 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 24, 2014, 04:15:38 AM


                                                                                        The Birth of a Tradition



One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

 Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
 Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of  little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

 The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it  a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.  Where would you like me to stick it?"
 Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 24, 2014, 06:02:26 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Dec 24, 2014, 07:35:15 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: THEOZON on Dec 24, 2014, 07:56:32 AM

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “Where should I put my pants”?   


“Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting. 

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Dec 24, 2014, 09:05:20 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 24, 2014, 04:17:08 PM



        hahaha   Nice one   Ozon
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 25, 2014, 07:10:04 AM

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/Funny-Christmas-Cartoons3.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/Funny-Christmas-Cartoons3.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 25, 2014, 09:49:30 AM
 ;D  Nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 26, 2014, 06:12:40 AM

Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several
 years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily
 walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait
 recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind
 their wives.
 
 Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is
 marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this
 reversal of roles?"
 
 The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 26, 2014, 07:26:48 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 30, 2014, 06:43:51 AM

             These are some actual signs that have been seen around.

In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
 *
 On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
 *
 Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
 *
 In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you
 are on fire and take appropriate action."
 *
 On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
 *
 On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except
 the dog."
 *
 At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking
 for, you've come to the right place."
 *
 On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
 *
 On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
 *
 On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
 *
 At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss
 a car payment."
 *
 Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
 *
 In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
 *
 On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and
 the 2nd one just left."
 *
 In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
 *
 At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your
 bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
 *
 In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
 *
 On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take
 what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
 *
 In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in
 and get fed up."
 *
 Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 30, 2014, 04:07:44 PM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 31, 2014, 07:11:17 AM
         This is a true story, I thought you'd all like to see it.

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son had
 asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good.
 God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if
 Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all, amen."
 
 Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman
 remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know
 how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream. Why, I never."
 
 Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is
 God mad at me?"
 
 As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was
 certainly not mad at him.
 
 An elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said,
 " I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
 
 "Really?", my son asked.
 
 "Cross my heart." Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the
 woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never
 asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
 
 Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared
 at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my
 life.
 
 He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in
 front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice
 cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Dec 31, 2014, 09:23:42 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: myemmy on Dec 31, 2014, 12:14:41 PM
Really   Nice!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: windwalker on Dec 31, 2014, 12:18:51 PM
Good for your son , hope the lady was taken aback by his sincere gesture ...............through the eyes of a child is so true
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 31, 2014, 03:24:01 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 01, 2015, 06:21:02 AM

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 01, 2015, 06:22:55 AM
 ;D ;D Nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 03, 2015, 06:22:39 AM

                       The General

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, a five-year-old boy
 picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum and shatter
 the peace on board the aircraft. No matter what his frustrated,
 embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy
 continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
From the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an
 Air Force general walks slowly forward up the aisle. Stopping
 the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-
 spoken general leans down and, motioning toward his chest
 whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms
 down, and sits quietly as his mother fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers are relieved and grateful; they smile
 and nod at the general with gestures of thanks as he slowly
 makes his way back to his seat.

One of the cabin attendants approaches the general. "Excuse me,
 sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words
 you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and confides, "I showed him my
 pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained
 that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door,
 on any flight I choose."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 03, 2015, 08:15:04 AM
Nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 03, 2015, 02:50:28 PM
 ;D ;D 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 04, 2015, 06:24:59 AM



One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get bet
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 04, 2015, 12:12:45 PM
hehehe   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 05, 2015, 04:58:32 AM

Bob asks his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She answers..... "I'd love to be ten again."

So on the morning of her birthday, he gets her up bright and
 early and off they go to the local Theme Park.

What a day! He puts her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide,
 The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear...everything there is!

Wow! She staggers out of the Theme Park five hours later, her head
 reeling and her stomach upside down. Right Into McDonald's they
 go, and her husband orders a Double Big Mac for her along with extra
 fries and a refreshing strawberry shake. Then off to a movie...it's the
 latest 'Star Wars' epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Cola, and M & M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbles home with her
 husband and collapses into bed. He leans over lovingly and asks,
 "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

She opens one eye and she groans, . . .

"Idiot, I meant dress size."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 05, 2015, 06:39:44 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 05, 2015, 02:41:41 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 06, 2015, 04:32:08 AM

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city
 because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with
 a meter.
So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have
 circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my
 appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along
 with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give
 you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 06, 2015, 05:56:41 AM
Like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 06, 2015, 02:45:12 PM


     Nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 07, 2015, 02:28:14 AM


                            Gender Identity
 

If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert
 to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have
 a gender. For example...

Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you
 can see right through them.

Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
 warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
 buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
 are pushed.

Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated.

Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you
 have to light a fire under it. . . and, of course, there's the
 hot air part.

Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain
 water.

Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people
 up.

Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
 bottom.

Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Control -- Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male. But
 consider -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
 while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps
 trying.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 07, 2015, 03:56:12 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 08, 2015, 03:17:48 AM

One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter
 what the lesson was about.
Her daughter answered "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts."

Needless to say, mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the
 Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's
 Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 08, 2015, 06:21:51 AM
 :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: adkRoy on Jan 08, 2015, 08:37:36 AM
Ever notice everything you sit on feels like underwear?  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Jan 08, 2015, 10:42:47 AM
Ever notice everything you sit on feels like underwear?  ;D


   Not if you go commando....     8) 8) 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Hollywood on Jan 08, 2015, 03:18:45 PM

   Not if you go commando....     8) 8) 8)


There's a mental image no one needed...    :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 09, 2015, 03:49:18 AM

Leaving Montreal, I decided to stop at one of those rest
 areas on the side of the road.
I go into the washroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into
 the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice
 from the other stall............

"Hi there, how is it going?"

Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with
 strangers in washrooms sitting on a toilet. I didn't know
 what to say, so finally I say:"Not bad............"

Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?"

I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say:
 "Well, I'm going back east..............."

Then I hear the person, all flustered, say:
 "Look, I'll call you back--every time I ask you a question
 this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 09, 2015, 07:11:27 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 09, 2015, 05:07:31 PM


   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 10, 2015, 04:30:15 AM


                               King Arthur
 

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
 neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved
 by Arthur's youth and ideals So the monarch offered him freedom, as long
 as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to
 figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be
 put to death....

 The question: What do women really want?

 Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to
 young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than
 death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

 He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the
 prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with
 everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

 Many people advised him to consult the old witch. Only she would know
 the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the
 kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

 The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk
 to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he'd have to accept
 her price first: The old witch wanted to marry him.

 Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only
 one tooth, smelled like sewage, and made obscene noises. He had never
 encountered such a repugnant creature.

 Finally, having no real choice, he agreed. Their wedding was proclaimed,
 and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants
 is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch
 had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it
 was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.

 What a wedding Arthur and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief
 and anguish. He was proper as always, gentle, and courteous. The old
 witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very
 uncomfortable.

 The hour approached. Arthur, steeling himself for a horrific experience,
 entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful
 woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Arthur asked what
 had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her
 when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible,
 deformed self half the time, and the other half she would be her beautiful
 maiden self.

 Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the
 night? What a cruel question! Arthur pondered his predicament. During
 the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the
 privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a
 hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many
 intimate moments?

 What would you do?

 What Arthur chose follows below......but don't read until you've made
 your own choice.......

 .

 .

 .

 .

 .

 .

 .

 Noble Arthur replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon
 hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
 because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her
 own life.

 What is the moral of this story?

 The moral is:

 If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 10, 2015, 05:21:13 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 10, 2015, 08:39:06 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 11, 2015, 03:42:40 AM

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
 around with a fly swatter.

 "What are you doing?" She asked.

 "Hunting Flies" He responded.

 "Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.

 "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.

 Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

 He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 11, 2015, 07:21:58 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 11, 2015, 07:40:00 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 12, 2015, 03:26:02 AM

                    Only from the mouths of Kids


 "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and
 gave all my money to the church, would that get me into
 Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.
"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and
 kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all
 the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into
 Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 12, 2015, 03:37:58 AM
 :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Jan 12, 2015, 06:11:41 AM
Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns
Over Women
 
   



And here we go...



#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.



#9 - You can keep one gun at
home and have another for when you're on the road.



#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him , he will
probably let you try it out.



#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another
gun for a backup.



#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of
ammo.



#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.



#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.



#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me
look fat?"



#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.



And the Number
One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun 
 
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 12, 2015, 06:15:12 PM
 

            Nice one Joe  :)  But how come they don't mention it don't talk back  ;) :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 13, 2015, 03:07:11 AM
(Dear Abby) admitted she was at a total loss to answer these.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the
 hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and
 the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.
 These two women go everywhere together, and I've never
 seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you
 think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity,
 language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats
 so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
 Abby, I suspected that my husband had been
 fooling around, and when I confronted him with the
 evidence he denied everything and said it would never
 happen again . Should I believe him?

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why
 would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home
 turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've
 seen it. Now, how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My 40-year-old son has been paying a
 psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half
 years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do
 you think she is going through her mental pause?

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost
 all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my
 husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a
 doctor. What now?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 13, 2015, 03:20:33 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 14, 2015, 04:27:37 AM

  A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to
 preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
 sermon, I want you all to read Mark Chapter 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his
 sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He
 wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark
 has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my
 sermon on the sin of lying."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 14, 2015, 05:14:35 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 15, 2015, 03:58:54 AM


Wisdom
 

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a
 lot on the kind of chick he marries.

 Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his
 salt that he forgets his sugar.

 Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

 When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts
 when they try to decide which one.

 If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a
 thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

 Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder
 that brides often blush.

 On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but
 never the present.

 A foolish husband remarks to his wife "Honey, you stick to the
 washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

 The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest
 is kept up.

 Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make a
 bed, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.

 Grandpappy and his wife were discussin' their 50th wedding
 anniversary when she said, "Shall I kill a chicken tonight?" "Naw,
 said Grandpappy, "Why blame a bird for something' that happened
 50 years ago."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 15, 2015, 05:04:54 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 16, 2015, 04:36:21 AM


 It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco.
 The  pastor  of  the  church  was  looking  over  the  naivety  when
 he  noticed  the  baby  Jesus  was   missing  from  among  the  figures.
Immediately he turned and went outside where he saw a little
 boy with a red wagon and in the wagon was the figure of the infant
 of Jesus.

So he walked up the  little boy and said, "Well, where'd you get Him,
 my fine friend?

The  little boy replied , "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?"

The little boy replied, "Well about a week before Christmas I
 prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring
 me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around.
 the block in it."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 16, 2015, 08:09:57 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 17, 2015, 04:53:25 AM

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total
 mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still
 in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes
 and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his
 wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A
 lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded
 against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring
 a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys
 and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the
 sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was
 spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a
 small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more
 piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may
 be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her
 lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas
 reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and said "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come
 home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 17, 2015, 07:22:18 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 18, 2015, 07:22:26 AM


               Welcome To Inspirations!
 

 Some people are kind, polite and sweet-spirited, until
 you try to get into their church pew.
 

 The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose,
 but the fly comes close.
 

 Many spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats,
 and then go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
 

 If a church wants a better pastor, it can get one by praying
 for the one it has.
 

 A lot of church members who are singing "Standing On The
 Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
 

 We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers.

 Every evening I turn my troubles over to God. He's going to
 be up all night anyway.
 

 I don't know why some people change churches - what
 difference does it make which one you stay home from?
 

 Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early
 age I discovered I was not God.
 

 To err is human; to blame it on somebody else is even
 more human.
 

 Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and
 permanently set.
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 18, 2015, 12:04:17 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 19, 2015, 04:09:30 AM


An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about
 2 miles north of the Missouri state line. When the Deputy asked
 the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was
 a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do
 a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and
 if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give
 him a ticket.

The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment
 on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The deputy told him
 that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked
 if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the
 deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind
 the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly,
 he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in.

The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car,
 opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Might as well take myself to jail, there's no way
 I can pass that test."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 19, 2015, 06:51:40 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Jan 19, 2015, 12:55:16 PM
(http://therealrevo.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/just-because-you-did-it-doesnt-mean-youre-guilty-greensboro-nc-wilmingtoncraigslistorgrnr4827485121html.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Jan 19, 2015, 02:12:11 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I didn't do it...    ::) ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 19, 2015, 05:13:36 PM
 

             I'm surely not planning on it at all   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Jan 19, 2015, 06:12:21 PM
Here's the lawyer at work.  ;D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2EirLJqghA (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2EirLJqghA)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Hollywood on Jan 20, 2015, 06:10:38 AM
When he's done with law, the man has a bright future in politics.   :P
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 20, 2015, 07:28:50 AM


 A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud
 and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
 When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders
 three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know,
 a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought
 one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One
 is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we
 all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember
 the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my
 brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
 there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always
 drinks the same way He orders three mugs and drinks them in
 turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars
 take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for
 the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude
 on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns
 and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's
 just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church in Sweetwater
 and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 20, 2015, 05:07:36 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 21, 2015, 04:46:54 AM


                Variations on Murphy's Law
 

 The Law of Reality
 Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
The Law of Self Sacrifice
 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

The Law of Volunteering
 If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

The Law of Motivation
 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Boob's Law
 You always find something in the last place you look.

Wailer's Law
 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Law of Volunteer Labor
 People are always available for work in the past tense.

Conway's Law
 In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on.
 That person must be fired.

Iron Law of Distribution
 Them that has, gets.

Law of Cybernetic Entomology
 There is always one more bug.

Law of Drunkenness
 You can't fall off the floor.

Heeler's Law
 The first myth of management is that it exists.

Osborne's Law
 Variables won't; constants aren't.

Main's Law
 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Weinberg's Second Law
 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then
 the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 21, 2015, 05:18:37 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 22, 2015, 04:02:07 AM


               Kids Say the funniest things


It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat,
 five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with
 a sitter. When the family returned home, they were
 carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what
 they were for.
"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by,"
 his older brother explained.

"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one
 Sunday I don't go, He showed up!"

~

One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching
 the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props
 and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked
 the children, "What's in here?"

"I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"

~

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can
 you support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was
 just planning to support your daughter. The rest
 of you will have to fend for yourselves."

~

Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
 Grandma answered, "39 and holding."

Johnny thought for a moment, and then said,
 "And how old would you be if you let go?"

~

The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell
 me, do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My Mom is
 a good cook!"
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 23, 2015, 05:19:28 AM



 A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the
 trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general
 began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer
 uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he
 was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing
 around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are
 ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said - "Well, yeah, if
 that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies".

So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See,
 they're called circle flies because they're almost always found
 circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then
 after a minute he stops and says, " Hey---wait a minute, are you
 trying to call me a horse's behind?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
 enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a
 horse's behind."

The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to
 writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 24, 2015, 02:02:59 AM

There were three country churches in a small Texas town: the
 Presbyterian church, the Methodist church and the Catholic
 church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide
 what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and
 consideration they determined that the squirrels were
 predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with
 God's divine will.

The Methodist group got together and decided that they were
 not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they
 humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles
 outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with
 the best and most effective solution.

They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members
 of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 24, 2015, 09:18:34 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 24, 2015, 12:23:50 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 25, 2015, 05:36:29 AM


                      I Love You...
 

 English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You
 Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
 French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime
 German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich
 Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu
 Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo
 Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
 Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Jag Alskar
Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina,
 South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi,
 Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky & parts of
 Florida. . . . . . . . .

Nice Butt, Get in the truck!
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 25, 2015, 07:40:16 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: myemmy on Jan 25, 2015, 11:38:48 AM
TRUE  !!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 26, 2015, 03:48:02 AM


             Church Signs
 

 The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
Under same management for over 2,000 years.

Soul food served here.

Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk.

You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.

Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!

Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.

We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead
 of the age of rock.

Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!

Come early for a good seat in the back.

Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?

Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened
by whitewash.

K-mart isn't the only saving place!
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 26, 2015, 05:31:49 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 27, 2015, 05:10:38 AM



       How To Call The Police
 

 George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going
 up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left
 the light on in the garden shed, which she could
 see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the
 light but saw that there were people in the shed
 stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in
 your house?" and he said no. Then they said that
 all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
 lock his door and an officer would be along when
 available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and
 phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you
 a few seconds ago because there were people in my
 shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
 now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung
 up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed
 Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the
 Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught
 the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought
 you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
 available!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 27, 2015, 06:28:49 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 27, 2015, 07:46:05 AM
Good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Jan 27, 2015, 12:14:04 PM
The Buffalo Theory

(http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Beer_539838_1428827.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Jan 27, 2015, 02:03:42 PM
Like it lol
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 27, 2015, 04:05:29 PM
Nice one  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Jan 28, 2015, 05:29:25 AM
Oh ya-right on....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 30, 2015, 03:49:01 AM

A blonde went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation. The cowboy
 preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or
 English saddle.

 The blonde asked what the difference was.

 "Well, one has a horn and the other doesn't."

 "Just get the one without the horn. I don't think we'll run into
 too much traffic out here."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 30, 2015, 04:17:21 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 30, 2015, 08:00:23 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 31, 2015, 05:33:02 AM

This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been
 sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver
 steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver.
 "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. I
 can't do anything right. I overslept, and was late to an important
 meeting, so my boss fired me."

"When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I
 have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I
 discovered my wallet was left in the cab."

"At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.

So I came to the bar and was thinking about putting an end to my
 life, and then you show up and drink the darn poison."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 31, 2015, 06:46:12 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 31, 2015, 08:05:22 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 01, 2015, 03:30:07 AM

A blonde went to her mail box several times before it was even time for
 the mailman to make his rounds.
 
 A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was
 waiting for a special delivery.

 Her reply: "My computer keeps telling me I have mail".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 01, 2015, 07:17:24 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Feb 01, 2015, 07:21:19 AM
Nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 02, 2015, 02:54:15 AM

A blonde reported for her university final examination which consists
 of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
 stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
 takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and
 marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails.
 
 Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating
 it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the
 coin, swearing and sweating.
 
 The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

 The blonde replies, "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking
 the answers".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 02, 2015, 03:36:13 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: CAPTJJ on Feb 02, 2015, 01:18:50 PM
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where ...
 
1.  You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.     
2.  You've experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl.     
3.  You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.     
4.  You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.     
5.  You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.     
6.  The 4 seasons are:    tolerable,   hot, really hot ,  and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?     
                                                                                                                     
OR     

You can retire to California where ...
 
1.  You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.     
2.  The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.     
3.  You know how to eat an artichoke.     
4.  You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.     
5.  When someone asks you how far something is,   you   tell   them   how   long   it   will   take   to   get there   rather than how many miles away it is .     
6.  The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought .     

OR     
 
You can retire to New York City where...           

1. You say "the city" and   expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....     
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about   how to get from Columbus Circle      to Battery Park,   but can't find Wisconsin   on a map.     
3. You think Central Park is "nature."     
4. You believe that being able to swear at people   in their own language makes you multi-lingual.     
5. You've worn out a car horn.  (IF you have a car).     
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.   
 
OR
     
You can retire to Minnesota where...     

1. You only have three spices:  salt, pepper, and ketchup ..     
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.     
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.     
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.       
5. The four seasons are:  almost winter, winter, still winter,and road repair.     
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or It was different!     

OR     
 
You can retire to The Deep South where... 
 
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.     
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.     
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.     
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.     
5. Everywhere is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder".     

OR     

You can retire to Colorado where...   
 
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.     
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, 
......so he stops at the day care center.     
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.     
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.     

OR     

You can retire to the Nebraska where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.     
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.     
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.     
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?”   

OR     

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...      

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.     
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind-- even houses and cars.     
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist,   dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.     
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.     
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 02, 2015, 03:44:01 PM
Nice one Capt.  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 03, 2015, 06:30:11 AM


 There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped onto
 her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted:
 "PRAISE THE LORD!"
One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He
 became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd
 step onto his front porch after her and yell:
 "THERE IS NO LORD!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way
 every day. One morning, in the middle of winter, the little
 old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted:
 "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I
 am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped onto her porch and
 there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.
 "PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED
 GROCERIES FOR ME!"

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted:
 "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted:
 "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH
 GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Feb 03, 2015, 07:56:18 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 03, 2015, 05:39:15 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 04, 2015, 03:48:35 AM

A man was speeding down a back country road, when he saw a rabbit
 hopping in the middle of the road. Although he tried to swerve and miss
 it, he hit the rabbit squarely. Being a true animal lover, the man slammed
 on his brakes, leapt from his car, and hurried to see if the rabbit was
 alright. To his dismay he found the rabbit was dead.
 
 As the man sorrowing over the rabbit's limp body, he heard another car
 coming. The other car stopped and the driver emerged to see what was
 going on. The other driver, a blonde, nudged the rabbit's limp body
 with her toe and remarked that it surely was dead.
 
 The man once again expressed his grief over having killed the poor
 innocent animal but the blonde said not to worry. She ran to her car, dug
 around inside, and returned with a spray can.
 
 She sprayed the rabbit's body and, sure enough, after a few minutes, the
 rabbit stirred, quivered, and then rose to a crouching position. A moment
 later the rabbit started down the road as if nothing had ever happened.
 
 However, every few feet the rabbit would turn and wave goodbye. The man
 was astounded! He snatched the spray can from the blonde to see just what
 kind of magic she had done! The spray can bore the label:
 ALBERTO VO5
 Restores life to any dead limp hair and gives it a permanent wave
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 04, 2015, 05:18:53 PM


           Nice       :) :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 05, 2015, 05:21:14 AM
                 Marine Training

Two things they teach Marines: Keep your priorities in
 order Know when to act without hesitation.
A college professor, a vowed atheist, was teaching
 his class. He shocked several of his students when he
 flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God.

Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real,
 then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll
 give you 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin
 fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying,
 "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes
 when a Marine - just released from active duty and newly
 registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit
 him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his
 lofty platform.

The professor was out cold! The students were shocked and
 babbled in confusion.

The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat
 silent. The class fell silent...waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at
 the young Marine in the front row. When the professor
 regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's
 the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was busy. He sent me."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Feb 05, 2015, 07:57:09 AM
 ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Feb 05, 2015, 08:07:54 AM
n ice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 05, 2015, 05:26:27 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 06, 2015, 04:39:18 AM

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching
 Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
 
 They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at
 the counter, one tourist asked a blonde employee, "Before we order,
 could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce
 where we are... very slowly?"
 
  The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr,
 Kiiiiing."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Feb 06, 2015, 06:52:57 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 06, 2015, 05:15:35 PM


  Nice one  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 07, 2015, 06:35:32 AM


                                      Barbie
 

 A man goes to the toy store to buy his daughter a birthday present.
 Being a real macho guy, he has no idea what to get her so he asks
 for some assistance from a clerk.
"I thought I'd buy her a doll", he says, "but which one should I get?"

"Well, here we have some of the more popular ones. we have the Malibu
 Barbie for $12.00, which comes with a bathing suit and a towel. We have
 the Ballerina Barbie for $23.00, which comes with a tutu and a cassette.
 We have the Aerobics Barbie for $30.00, which comes with a leotard and
 a workout CD. And we have the new Divorce, Barbie for $1500.00."

The man was flabbergasted. "Why does that one cost so much more
 than the others?"

"Oh well that's easy.", replied the clerk, "This Barbie comes with Ken's
 car, Ken's boat, Ken's house, Ken's..."
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 07, 2015, 06:54:35 AM
hehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 08, 2015, 05:07:29 AM


                          The Applicant
 

 A business was looking for office help. They put a sign in
 the window, stating the following:

 HELP WANTED
 Must be able to type, have computer skills, and be
 bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

 A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went
 inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail,
 then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit.

 Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The
 office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say
 the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him
 into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared
 at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign
 says you have to be able to type."

 The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded
 to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted
 over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up
 on the chair.

 The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign
 also says you have to be good with a computer."

 The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The
 dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet
 that worked flawlessly the first time.

 By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He
 looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very
 intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However,
 I still can't give you the job."

 The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign
 and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal
 Opportunity Employer.

 The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you
 have to be bilingual." The dog looked at that manager calmly
 and said, "Meow."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 08, 2015, 07:09:26 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 09, 2015, 06:01:49 AM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
 rolled the dice, and she landed on "Science & Nature."
 
 Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
 your name, can you hear it?"
 
 She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Feb 09, 2015, 07:24:06 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 09, 2015, 05:38:25 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Hollywood on Feb 10, 2015, 05:18:35 AM

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang.

He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.


When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot.

So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test" that you must take before you can be accepted.

We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said,

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 10, 2015, 05:40:14 AM


              Good one Hollywood. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 10, 2015, 05:40:40 AM

A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde
 jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to
 show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off
 at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the
house.
 
 The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down
 to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the
 distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife
 lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski
 jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

 He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

 She replies yes.

 He asks what she is doing.

 She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blondes
 are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

 He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.

 She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they
 said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Feb 10, 2015, 07:41:34 AM
Good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 10, 2015, 05:15:40 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 11, 2015, 03:34:34 AM

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day
 when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant
 blondes.
They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne
 and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a
 large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are
 filled and they begin toasting and chanting. 51 days,
 51 days, 51 days

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks
 and the chanting grows. 51 days, 51 days, 51 days.
 Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are
 joined in raising the roof. 51 days, 51 days, 51 days.

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture
 under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the
 picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump
 the others, they begin dancing around the table,
 exchanging high fives, all the while chanting 51 days,
 51 days, 51 days.

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer,
 so he walks over to the table. There in the center is
 a beautifullly framed child's puzzle of the "Cookie Monster."

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender
 asks one of the blondes. "What's all the chanting and
 celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone
 thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us,
 so we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got
 together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The
 side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in
 51 days'".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 11, 2015, 03:43:53 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Feb 11, 2015, 12:06:56 PM
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala

event hosted by a local liberal arts college. 

 

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in

attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for

conversation.

 

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a 

very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

 

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

 

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations 

and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

 

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

 

The young lady, trying to start up a conversation, 

said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

 

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

 

Finally the young lady said, "You know, 

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, 

but when is the last time you had sex?"

 

"1955, ma'am."

 

"Well, there you are. 

 

No wonder you're so serious. 

You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! 

She took his hand and led him to a private room where

she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

 

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against 

his bare chest and said, 

"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

 

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch,

"I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

 

(Gotta love military time)     
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Feb 11, 2015, 12:27:32 PM
Good one,
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 11, 2015, 05:15:32 PM


            I like it  :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 12, 2015, 05:50:40 AM


                       Go Figure!
 


A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where
 a train stops. On my desk I have a work station. GO FIGURE!
 *
 If Fedex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP
 *
 If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool
 came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
 *
 Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
 *
 What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
 men?
 *
 I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
 husbands on beer cans.
 *
 I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
 whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me--they
 were cramming for their finals.
 *
 I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little
 tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use.
 Toothpicks?
 *
 Why do they put up pictures of criminals in the post office?
 What are we supposed to do, write to these men? Why don't
 they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the
 mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 12, 2015, 05:20:52 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 13, 2015, 03:38:11 AM


         Technology for Country Folks
 

1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.

*
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

*
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

*
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.

*
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.

*
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.

*
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.

*
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.

*
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.

*
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.

*
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.

*
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.

*
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

*
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.

*
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.

*
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.

*
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.

*
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.

*
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.

*
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.

*
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

*
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine.

*
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"

*
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya
 paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.

*
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 13, 2015, 03:48:08 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 14, 2015, 04:12:40 AM


                              Three Blondes
 
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter.
 He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to.
 tell him what Easter represented..

 The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast.
 and we give thanks and eat turkey."

 St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

 The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth.
 and exchange gifts."

 St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

 The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said,.
 "So, tell me."

 She said," Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish.
 festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples.
 when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The.
 Romans Hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried.
 Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder...

 St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

 Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the.
 boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more
 weeks of basketball."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 14, 2015, 06:34:43 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 15, 2015, 04:17:54 AM

The blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a
 pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant
 to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming
 very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers,
 the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator
 so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
 
 The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out
 and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed
 for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the
 shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the blonde standing waist
 deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot
 alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature
 and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying
 nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper
 watches in amazement.
 
 Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated,
 shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 15, 2015, 06:40:49 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Feb 15, 2015, 07:10:12 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 16, 2015, 04:19:12 AM


                             The French Revolution
 

During the French revolution, hundreds of people were guillotined. One day,
 three men were led up to die. One was a lawyer, one was a doctor, and the
 third was an engineer.
 
 The lawyer was to die first. He was led to the guillotine, the attending
 priest blessed him, and he knelt with his head on the guillotine. The blade
 was released, but stopped halfway down its path. The priest, seeing an
 opportunity, quickly said, "Gentlemen, God has spoken and said this man is
 to be spared; we cannot kill him." The executioner agreed, and the lawyer
 was set free.
 
 The doctor was next. He was blessed by the priest, then knelt and placed his
 head down. The blade was released, and again stopped halfway down. Again
 the priest intervened: "Gentlemen, God has again spoken; we cannot kill
 this man." The executioner agreed and the doctor was set free.
 
 At last it was the engineer's turn. He was blessed by the priest, and knelt,
 but before he placed his head on the guillotine he looked up. Suddenly, he
 leapt to his feet and cried, "Oh, I see the problem!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 16, 2015, 06:39:45 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 17, 2015, 03:55:17 PM


The Mind
 

The mind is an amazing thing.


Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it
 deosn't mttaer waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in;
 the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be
 at the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it
 wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos
 not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 17, 2015, 05:27:54 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 18, 2015, 02:26:40 AM

 None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him,
·         "You’re driving me mad Tyrone".
·      One day Tyrone 's mom came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mom honestly, that
·         her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.
·         The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.                        .
·      25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to
·         have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform.
·      Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her
·         eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.
·      She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him
·         something but eventually died.
·      The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Tyrone,
·         working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner!
·         Don't tell me you thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 18, 2015, 03:34:25 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 19, 2015, 03:23:48 AM

A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but
   nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting
   $100.00.
 
   When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they
   decided to send it to the President. The President was so
   impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to
   send the boy $5.00. Mr. President thought that this would appear to be
   a lot of money to the little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the
   $5.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD
   that read: "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the
   money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it
   through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those JERKS deducted
   $95.00 for taxes!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 19, 2015, 03:42:38 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 20, 2015, 04:49:06 AM

With both ears very red, the blonde went to her doctor.
 
 The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she
 answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead
 of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and
 stuck it to my ear."
 
 "Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened
 to your other ear?"
 
 "The idiot called back!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 20, 2015, 05:07:25 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 21, 2015, 06:44:40 AM

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on
 emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the
 student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from
 Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the
 opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 21, 2015, 07:18:06 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 22, 2015, 04:55:00 AM

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
 Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde, behind
 the wheel, was knitting!

 Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
 trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
 "PULL OVER!"

 "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 22, 2015, 06:39:39 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 23, 2015, 05:13:11 AM

What do you get when you put twelve blondes in a deep freeze?

 ..

 ..

 ...

 ...

 ...

 Frosted Flakes
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 23, 2015, 05:26:58 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 24, 2015, 05:25:36 AM

          These are real sings for some businesses:

In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
 *
 On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
 *
 Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
 *
 In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you
 are on fire and take appropriate action."
 *
 On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
 *
 On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except
 the dog."
 *
 At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking
 for, you've come to the right place."
 *
 On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
 *
 On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
 *
 On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
 *
 At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss
 a car payment."
 *
 Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
 *
 In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
 *
 On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and
 the 2nd one just left."
 *
 In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
 *
 At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your
 bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
 *
 In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
 *
 On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take
 what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
 *
 In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in
 and get fed up."
 *
 Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 24, 2015, 05:06:59 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 25, 2015, 05:25:21 AM

John Madden was in Dallas in October to announce a football game
 one weekend when he noticed a special phone near the Cowboys' bench.
 He asked the coach what it was for & was told it was a hotline to God.
John asked if he could use it.

Coach told him, "Sure, but it'll cost you $100."
 Madden scratched his head, then thought, what the heck I need a
 break picking the games. He pulled out his wallet and paid the $100.
 Madden was perfect that week.

The next weekend Madden was in Minnesota in December when he
 noticed the same kind of phone on the Viking bench. He asked the coach
 what the phone was for and was told, "It's the hotline to God, and if you
 want to use it, it'll cost $100."

Recalling last week, Madden pulled out his wallet, paid the money
 & made the call. Madden was perfect that week.

The next weekend Madden was in the Atlanta Georgia
 Dome when he noticed the same kind of phone by the Falcon's
 bench. He asked Dan Reeves, "Is that phone the hotline to God?"

Dan said, "Yes, and if you want to use it, it'll cost 35 cents."

Madden looked incredulously at the coach and said, "Wait a second,
 I just paid $100 at Dallas & $100 at Minnesota to use the same phone
 to God. Why does Atlanta only charge 35 cents?"

Dan looked at Madden & replied, "In Atlanta, it's a local call."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 25, 2015, 04:26:11 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 26, 2015, 05:10:01 AM

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
 
 Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I
 stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it,
 and I would turn red in the face."
 
 "Yes, sir," the boys said.
 
 "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
 position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
 
 A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Feb 26, 2015, 07:18:18 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 26, 2015, 04:51:57 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 27, 2015, 05:18:53 AM

The blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I
 want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat
 this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have
 lost at least five pounds."
 
 When The blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
 
 "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
 
 The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop
 dead that third day."
 
 "From hunger, you mean?"
 
 "No, from skipping."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 27, 2015, 04:57:50 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 28, 2015, 05:35:07 AM

 A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard
 and asked mother, "Who am I?"

 Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

 "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was
 so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 28, 2015, 07:18:02 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Hollywood on Mar 01, 2015, 08:13:35 AM
My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.. We went up to him and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "a&&hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So then my wife called him a "sh!thead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away.


Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We always look for cars with Obama 2012 stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It’s so important at our age!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 01, 2015, 09:09:33 AM


How You Can Tell When It's REALLY Cold Outside
 

 10. Your dog tells you that he'll "hold it" until later.
9. You kick your car because it doesn't start, and the car shatters.

8. Your nose isn't runny, but only because your snot is frozen.

7. Joggers keep getting stuck to the sidewalk.

6. The parking lot looks like Superman's "Fortress of Solitude".

5. Snowball throwing constitutes 'Assault with a Deadly Weapon' charges.

4. The fire department has an "Emergency Tongue Release" line.

3. The paperboy scans the newspaper onto his computer and just sends
 you an e-mail.

2. Your breath crystallizes in front of you, and pokes you when you
 walk into it.

1. You keep your front door open because you really ARE trying to
 "heat the whole neighborhood."
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 01, 2015, 12:33:43 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 02, 2015, 05:20:03 AM

A blonde appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

 Regis: "You've done very well so far - $500,000 and one
 lifeline left. The next question will give you the million dollars if
 you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to
 $32,000 -- are you ready?"

The blonde: "Sure I'll have a go."

 Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
 Is it...

 A-Robin

 B-Sparrow

 C-Cuckoo

 D-Thrush

 "Remember, it's worth 1 million dollars."

The blonde: "It's a cuckoo."

 Regis: "You're sure? You can walk with the $500,000 or play on for
 the million."

The blonde: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo."

 Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

The blonde: "It is."

 Regis: "Are you confident?"

The blonde: "Absolutely!"

 Regis: ".....you had $500,000 and you said C -Cuckoo.
 Well....you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS Here
 is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler.
 Audience please give a big hand."

 That night the blonde calls her friend Carol and they go to a local
 bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne.
 Carol turns to the blonde and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it
 was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

 "It was so simple," the blonde replied, "Everybody knows that
 cuckoos live in clocks."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 02, 2015, 05:38:29 PM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 02, 2015, 05:41:06 PM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 03, 2015, 05:18:52 AM
             Questionable Quotes


Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad."
 *
 "Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair."
 *
 "I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead."
 *
 "Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat."
 *
 "Be Nice to Your Children... They'll Pick Your Nursing Home."
 *
 "Husbands Should Come With Instructions."
 *
 "Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This
Time."
 *
 "I Want It All and I Want It Delivered... Now ! "
 *
 "Life Is Hard; Then Your Not Here."
 *
 "Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same."
 *
 "Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton."
 *
 "Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt."
 *
 "Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control."
 *
 "60-Year-Old, One Owner, Needs Parts... Make Offer."
 *
 "If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them
on My Knees."
 *
 "If You Can Read This...Kiss A Teecher."
 *
 "A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic."
 *
 "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!"
 *
 "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up."
 *
 "My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink."
 *
 "I Yell Because I Care."
 *
 "If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There."
 *
 "Procrastinate Now."
 *
 "Rehab Is for Quitters."
 *
 "Re-Elect Nobody."
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Hollywood on Mar 03, 2015, 06:20:29 AM
Breaking News - Bruce Jenner Transition Fires New Speculation
 Wash. DC - Over the past year a rash of news stories surfaced speculating whether gold-medal winning Olympic decathlete Bruce Jenner was undergoing a gender transition from male to female. Though Jenner has yet to publicly confirm the story, members of his extended family, including the Kardashian clan, have recently approached various news outlets confirming Jenner's intentions.
 Now it appears a number of world leaders have picked up on the story and are wondering aloud "What will happen to Jenner's balls if he completes the transition?" Sources this week quoted Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu as suggesting it would be a monumental step if Jenner were to donate his balls to U.S. President Barack Obama. Netanyahu stated "Everyone knows Obama has no balls and it would be damn nice if he suddenly had Olympic sized balls. It would be a huge step forward for world peace.”
German Chancellor Angela Merkel remarked " I don't even have any balls, but everyone tells me I have a bigger set than Obama. I think it would be a great idea.”


On the other hand, Russian President Vladimir Putin joined Syrian President Bashar Assad in proclaiming that Obama's lack of balls has finally enabled a number of regimes worldwide a fair chance to consolidate their power. Putin, on a shirtless fly fishing expedition in Kanchatka, said "The days of U.S. Presidents with big balls like Reagan are over. Now it's our turn.“
Iranian President Hassan Rouhani remarked earlier in the week that "It's been great the last six years. It's like playing soccer against the U.S. with no goalie in their net ”

While world leaders debate the issue, closer to home New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick and Super Bowl MVP quarterback Tom Brady stepped forward to say they would each donate one ball to the President if Jenner does not come through. Belichick, however, cautioned that "The President would have to understand, our balls would be underinflated, but still probably an improvement over what he seems to be working with."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 03, 2015, 05:18:52 PM


      good ones     ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 04, 2015, 05:21:27 AM

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
 and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
 and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
 then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

 If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
 and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
 and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
 then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

 If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
 says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
 but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
 that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
 and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
 so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
 then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

 When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
 and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,
 then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
 and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 04, 2015, 04:02:23 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 05, 2015, 04:52:46 AM


 A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous so
he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves ...

 "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

 "No, I don't."
 "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank
of latex
and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands,
let them
dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right
size."

 She didn't crack a smile.

 "Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

 But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the
procedure, she
burst out laughing.

 "What's so funny?" he asked.

 "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 05, 2015, 07:48:48 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 05, 2015, 02:30:30 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Hollywood on Mar 05, 2015, 05:45:51 PM
Neither Chris or Katie had any money at the time, but they were in love so they decided to get married. They knew they couldn’t afford a honeymoon, so they went back to Chris’ parent’s home for their first night together as husband and wife.

The next morning, Johnny, Chris’ little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Chris and Katie are up yet.

She replies, “No”.

Johnny said, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “No, I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school Johnny.”

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Chris and Katie up yet?”

She says, “No Johnny.”

He says, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.”

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Chris and Katie up yet?”

His mom says “No.”

He asks, “Do you know what I think?”

His Mom replies, “OK Johnny, tell me what do you think?”

He says “Last night Chris came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 06, 2015, 03:52:26 AM


          :) :)    Good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 09, 2015, 05:32:39 AM

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her scooter and loved to charge around the nursing home,

taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence

stepped out with his arm outstretched.

'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a licence for that thing?'

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.

'OK' he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you proof of insurance?'

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,

Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.

  'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel,

 'Not the bloody Breathalyser Test again.!!!'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 09, 2015, 06:24:36 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 10, 2015, 06:13:32 AM

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors.

This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 10, 2015, 06:49:04 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 11, 2015, 10:19:15 AM


 A farmer was milking a cow and a fly was flying around.
 He shushed it away with his hand and it flew in the cow's ear.
 
 He kept milking and the fly came out in the milk bucket.
 The farmer thought "In one ear and out the
 udder".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 11, 2015, 10:57:15 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 13, 2015, 04:44:12 AM

An impatient woman was waiting in the check-out line
 at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop
 and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions
 and nasty tone, it was obvious she was unhappy about
 the speed of service.
 
 When the cashier called for a price check on a box of
 soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be
 lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

 "Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that
 wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom
you have there, you'll be home in no time.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 13, 2015, 07:11:29 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 14, 2015, 04:54:45 AM

An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
 The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
 While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
 The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
 The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 14, 2015, 06:30:57 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: jamison1 on Mar 14, 2015, 02:50:17 PM
hahaha that's a good one! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 15, 2015, 09:12:03 AM

                               Ceiling Deductions
 

 Stephen Sprenger, who owns the H&R Block on Denny Way [Seattle], says
 it's that time of year: the time for ceiling deductions. Ceiling
 deductions?
 
 Sprenger says, "You ask how many miles the client drove and he looks
 at the ceiling and says, 'About 8,000'."
 
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 15, 2015, 10:52:33 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 17, 2015, 04:38:05 AM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
 rolled the dice, and she landed on "Science & Nature."
 
 Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
 your name, can you hear it?"
 
 She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 17, 2015, 06:51:11 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Hollywood on Mar 17, 2015, 07:26:29 PM
Steve and Sara met while on a Royal Caribbean singles cruise and steve fell head over heels for her. And when they discovered they both lived in New York City Steve was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Steve had taken Sara to the movies, restaurants, concerts, and museums. Steve became convinced that Sara was indeed the one and his true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Steve took Sara to a fine dinning experience to Del Frisco’s restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Steve said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I like a little serious thought before our relationship continues to the next stage. So before I get out a box from my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I am a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breath golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”

Sara took a deep breath and responded, “Steve, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as who you are and I love golf too; but, if we are being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last 4 years I’ve been a hooker.”

“Oh wow! I see.” Steve replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a minute. Deep in serious thought then he added, “you know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 18, 2015, 04:35:19 AM

               ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 18, 2015, 04:35:41 AM


What does a smart blonde and UFO's have in common?
 You always hear about them but never see them.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 18, 2015, 06:16:33 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 19, 2015, 04:17:38 AM

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who
 immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they
 were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly
 reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her
 instantly.
 
 At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near
 the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor
 noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to
 the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
 Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he
 would shake his head no and mumble a reply.
 
 Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all
 about.
 
 The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible
 tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The
 men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake
 my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 19, 2015, 06:40:51 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 20, 2015, 04:21:30 AM

The blonde was going to a soda machine and she
 arrived there just before a businessman coming to quench his thirst.
 
 She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little and
 pushed a Diet Coke selection. Out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a
 counter by the machine.
 
 Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted
 it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button
 for Coke Classic. Out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She
 immediately took the 50 cents and put in in the machine, studied it for a
 moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew.
 
 As she was reaching into her purse again, the businessman who had been
 waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but
 are you done yet?"
 
 The blonde looked at him and indignantly replied, "Well, duhhhh! I'm still
 winning!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 20, 2015, 06:27:30 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 21, 2015, 04:20:49 AM

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
 could see her license.
 
 She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
 Just yesterday you take away my license, and then today you expect
 me to show it to you!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 21, 2015, 06:31:38 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 21, 2015, 08:24:41 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 22, 2015, 04:56:32 AM

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly
 his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one
 easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air
 then opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed
 head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
 
 At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place and, as
 the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down
 from the clouds.
 
 "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
 
 "Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two
 minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
 
 Then the Atheist continues, "God, please let the Loch Ness
 Monster become religious."
 
 God replies, "So be it."
 
 The scene starts up, atheist falling.
 
 The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says,"Lord,
I thank you for this dinner I am about to receive."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 22, 2015, 07:07:10 AM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 23, 2015, 04:16:54 AM

Finding one of her students making faces at others on
 the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the
 child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said,
 "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly
 faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

 Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't
 say you weren't warned."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 23, 2015, 01:28:26 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 24, 2015, 05:20:34 AM


Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua.
But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
 With some apprehension he would brace himself as he  approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
 "Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb. 
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton. This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
 He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell at her,"Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner,  Bill realized  the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all  his past outings.   
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former Secretary of State.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker!   
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.   
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled , "See what you get for five bucks!!!
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 24, 2015, 07:12:54 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 25, 2015, 04:37:04 AM


The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now
 on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of
 the team rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football
 League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules.
 
      The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall
People on opening day.
 
 Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting
 the Arizona Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering
 Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.
 
 In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the
 showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and
 the New Orleans Pretty Good People.
 
 The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds
 of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the St. Louis Male Sheep.
 
 The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes
 against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden.
 
 The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to
 Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in
 Week 9.
 
 And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large
 Mountain Mammals.
 
 Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New
 England Zealous Lovers of Country.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 25, 2015, 11:37:54 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 26, 2015, 04:50:43 AM


                A little weather humor for those of you who are experiencing a taste
                      what mother nature can do right about now...

60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on.
 50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.
 45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
40 degrees - You can see your breath.
 Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesotans go swimming.
 35 degrees - Italian cars don't start.
32 degrees - Water freezes.
 30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia.
 25 degrees - Ohio water freezes.
Californians weep pitiably.
 Minnesotans eat ice cream.
 Canadians go swimming.
20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.
 New York City water freezes.
Miami residents plan vacation farther south.
 15 degrees - French cars don't start.
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
 10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
 5 degrees - American cars don't start.
0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
 -10 degrees - German cars don't start.
Eyes freeze shut when you step outside.
 -15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects.
 Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you.
 politicians actually do something about the homeless.
 Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.
Japanese cars don't start.
 -25 degrees - Too cold to think.
You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
 -30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath.
Swedish cars don't start.
 -40 degrees - Californians disappear.
 Minnesotans button top button.
 Canadians put on sweater.
Your car helps you plan your trip South.
 -50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes.
Alaskans close the bathroom window.
 -80 degrees - Polar bears move South.
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
 -90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
-100  - degrees - Hell freezes over.
 Clinton finally tells all.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 26, 2015, 06:44:17 AM
 ???
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Mar 26, 2015, 08:44:36 AM
You forgot one. At -25 the beam of your flashlight freezes to the ground...h2l
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 27, 2015, 05:49:22 AM

                 Think about this:

 a. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
 b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.
 c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept. of Health
Human Services)

 Then think about this:

 a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
 b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
 c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.

 Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than
gun owners.
 FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT
 LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

 Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before
 this gets out of hand.

 As a public health measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear
 that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 27, 2015, 06:18:21 PM
  :(
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Mar 28, 2015, 10:21:00 AM
I knew a kid once that choked todeath eating Pizza---no more pizza ----
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 28, 2015, 02:12:41 PM


If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer
 

If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and
start all over!
 *
 To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
 *
 If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.
 *
 Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
 *
 To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
 *
 To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
 *
 To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
 *
 If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
 *
 When you loose your car keys, click on find.
 *
 "Help" with the chores is just a click away.
 *
 Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary.
 You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.
 
 And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on
it's way to YOU.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 28, 2015, 05:01:11 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 29, 2015, 04:17:22 AM

  Three men, a Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic and a White Trash Biker  are
all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of
you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the
land to be forever fertile in Canada.'

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
fertile for farming.

The Muslim was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan,
Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come
into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and
completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out...it's
virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles
and says...


'Fill it with water!'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 29, 2015, 06:48:31 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 30, 2015, 05:19:30 AM


A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
 Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
 She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
 The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
 The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
 The husband thought for a moment:
 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm  sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30
years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,  but a wish is a wish.!
 So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...
 The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
 Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 30, 2015, 05:52:22 AM


          ;D ;D  nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 30, 2015, 07:05:50 AM
Good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: jamison1 on Mar 31, 2015, 07:48:43 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 02, 2015, 08:20:25 AM


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping
 trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay
 down for the night, and went to sleep.
 
 Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his
 faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell
 me what you see."
 
 Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
 
 "What does that tell you?"
 
 Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it
 tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
 billions of planets.
 
 Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
 
 Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a
 quarter past three.
 
 Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful
 and that we are small and insignificant.
 
 Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
 beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
 
 Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke."Watson,
 you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 02, 2015, 10:03:39 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 03, 2015, 07:52:50 AM

An attorney was frustrated that lawyers had such a reputation
 for dishonesty. He decided to have is little say in defense of
 lawyers even after his death and added to his will that his grave
 stone was to be clearly marked HERE LIES A LAWYER
 AND AN HONEST MAN!

 Problem was, everybody concluded there must be two people
 buried at that spot!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 03, 2015, 07:58:30 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 03, 2015, 11:27:30 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 05, 2015, 05:22:31 AM

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in
 Europe; as it happens, in Transylvania.
 
 They're driving a rental car along a rather deserted
 highway. It's late, and raining very hard. Bob can
 barely see 10 feet in front of the car.
 
 Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts
 to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves
 and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes
 his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the
 passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious,
 with her head bleeding.
 
 Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows
 he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
 
 Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging
 down the road. After a short while, he sees a light.
 He heads towards the light, which is coming from an
 old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
 
 A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the
 door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob
 Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible
 accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I
 please use your phone??"
 
 "I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a
 phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him."
 
 Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the
 stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I
 am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is
 many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic
 medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them
 down to the laboratory."
 
 With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs,
 with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table
 in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own
 injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
 
 After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.
 "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."
 
 Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.
 Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
 
 The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily,
 he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses
 his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found
 solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting
 melody fills the house.
 
 Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music
 fills the lab, his eyes catch movement. He notices the
 fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch.
 
 Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is
 further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to
 contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
 He bursts in and shouts to his master:
 
 (Don't page down unless you have a strong stomach...)
.
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .

 You sure you want to know?
.
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .

 O.K. You asked for it......
.
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 "Master, Master!... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 05, 2015, 06:05:17 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 06, 2015, 05:28:26 AM

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that
 crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great
 white throne. God addresses Al first.
 
 "Al, what do you believe in?"
 
 Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and
 that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more
 freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll
all die."
 
 God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with
 that. Come and sit at my left,"
 
 God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you
 believe in?"
 
 Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think
 people should be able to make their own choices about things and
 that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do.
 I also believe in feeling people's pain."
 
 God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds
 good. Come and sit at my right."
 
 God then addresses Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you
 believe?"
 
 Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 06, 2015, 06:48:40 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Apr 06, 2015, 07:45:06 PM
Wasn't Hillary on the plane  too !!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 06, 2015, 08:13:09 PM
Wasn't Hillary on the plane  too !!!!!!!!
            Not this time, it was men only, I don't think she qualifies.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 07, 2015, 04:10:23 AM

The latest proposal to drive the Taliban and Al Qaeda out of
 the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in the ASF (Alabama
 Special Forces.) Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, Cooter and Junior
 are being sent in with the following information about the Taliban:

 1. The season opened last weekend.

 2. There is no limit.

 3. They taste just like chicken.

 4. The hate beer, pickup trucks, country music, and Jesus.

 5. They don't like barbecue.

 6. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.

 We estimate it should be over in just about two days.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 07, 2015, 07:24:03 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 07, 2015, 05:41:25 PM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: jamison1 on Apr 07, 2015, 07:49:22 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 08, 2015, 04:30:06 AM

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they
 get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't
 step on the ducks."

 So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
 It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
 best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

 Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains
 them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
 spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

 The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and
 along came St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another
 extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment
 as the first woman.

 The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She
 manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
 Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid
 eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains
 them together without saying a word.

 The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to
 you for all of eternity?"

 And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on
a duck."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 08, 2015, 05:35:47 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 08, 2015, 06:41:52 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 09, 2015, 02:04:00 AM


Splinters in her crotch......     

 

 A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.   

 

 As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.The doctor listened to her story with great patience, and then told her to  go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

 She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

 He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to ObamaCare...they turned you down.” 
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 09, 2015, 05:29:52 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 09, 2015, 07:00:34 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Apr 09, 2015, 03:08:39 PM
(http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e322/swampstalker/roflmao.gif)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 10, 2015, 04:23:35 AM

Old Granny went to her doctor to see what could be
 done about her constipation.
 
 "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my
 bowels in a week."
 
 "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the
 doctor.
 
 "Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for
 a half-hour in the morning and again at night."
 
 "No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take
 anything?"
 
 "Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 10, 2015, 06:35:11 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 10, 2015, 07:02:14 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 11, 2015, 04:34:26 AM

        This one will make you groan:

A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night,
 when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining" he
 said to his wife.
 
 "No, that felt more like snow to me" she replied.
 
 "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
 
 Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument
 about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a
 minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not
 fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether
 it's officially raining or snowing."
 
 As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph,
 is it officially raining or snowing?"
 
 "It's raining, of course!" he replied, and walked on.
 
 But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
 
 The man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 11, 2015, 06:29:21 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 12, 2015, 05:29:04 AM

A Columbia Doctor's secretary called an old farmer out my way
 and said: "Your check came back."
 The old man replied, "So did my arthritis."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 12, 2015, 06:30:20 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 13, 2015, 05:20:55 AM


And old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."

 Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

 So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

 This is what transpired.

 Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"

 Dr. Geezer:  ---  "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

 Dr. Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

 Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

 Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

 Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

 Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

 Doctor Young:  "Oh no you don't,  --  that is Gasoline!"

 Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

 Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

 Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak  ---  I can hardly see !!!!

 Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so --   Here's your $1000 back."

 Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."

 Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

 Moral of story  --  Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer " !
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 13, 2015, 06:07:33 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 14, 2015, 04:56:58 AM

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going
 to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man,
 "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
 
 A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby
 chickens." The co-op man complies.
 
 Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says,
 
 "Give me 500 baby chickens."
 
 "Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing
 well!" "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting
 them too deep or too far apart!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 14, 2015, 05:58:14 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 14, 2015, 07:26:07 AM
nice.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 15, 2015, 04:49:26 AM


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face
 was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
 graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the
 husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

 However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable
 would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed
 that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and
 requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this
 was a very delicate matter.

 After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
 woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had
 before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her
 youthful beauty!

 One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
 emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you
 for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

 "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I
 see your mother kiss you on the cheek
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 15, 2015, 06:04:30 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 15, 2015, 06:46:41 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 16, 2015, 06:51:58 AM

       Another joke to groan about.

While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock which
 had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the rock was the
 following inscription:
 
 "If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an end!"
 
 Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen, but Sam,
 being a paranoid pessimist, greatly feared this! He said to Nate that
 if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him! In a daring attempt, Nate
 lunged for the lever, and sure enough, Sam shot him! What is
 the moral of this story?
 
 Better Nate than lever!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 16, 2015, 09:43:45 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 17, 2015, 05:34:05 AM

While working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten
 teacher asked her students to bring something related to their
 family's faith to class.

 At the appropriate time she asked the students to come
 forward and share with the rest of the students.

 The first child said, "I am Muslim and this is my prayer rug."

 The second child said, "I am Jewish and this is my Star of
 David."

 The third child said, "I am Catholic and this is my rosary."

 The final child said, "I am Southern Baptist and this is my
 casserole dish."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 17, 2015, 05:41:21 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 18, 2015, 05:13:34 AM

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for
 the sport.
 
 "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
 
 "These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
 
 "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the
 third senior.
 
 After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the
 wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said,
 
 "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on this side of the grass!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 18, 2015, 07:37:15 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 19, 2015, 04:58:29 AM

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake.
 There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the
 kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three
 kings decided that they would send their knights out to do
 battle, and the winner would take the island.

 The night before the battle, the knights and their squires
 pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first
 kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of
 whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking
 food.

 The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10
 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for
 battle.

 At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one
 knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung
 it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself
 preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

 When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their
 squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the
 knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust
 cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third
 kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms,
 thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal
 to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 19, 2015, 05:26:54 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 20, 2015, 05:48:03 AM

A Cajun named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought
 a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed
 to deliver the donkey the next day.

 The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I
 have some bad news.

 The donkey died. "Well, then, just give me my money back."
 Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

 "OK, then, just unload the donkey."

 "What ya gonna do with him?" asked the farmer.

 I'm going to raffle him off.""You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

 "Sure, I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
 said the Cajun.

 A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked,
 "What happened with that dead donkey?"

 The Cajun replied, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred
 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

 "Didn't anyone complain?"

 Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 20, 2015, 06:14:45 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 21, 2015, 05:37:11 AM

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.We've heard colleagues referring to people with         
 Guts, or with Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between the two.       
 Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.     

 GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and     
 having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?       

 BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer,lipstick on your       
 collar, slapping your wife on the behind and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'           


 I trust this clears up any confusion.  Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal     
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 21, 2015, 06:36:58 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 21, 2015, 07:15:05 AM
So true. I like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Apr 21, 2015, 10:15:06 AM
Poor Stanley was killed in a fire. He was burned so badly it was difficult to identify him. The coroner brought in his two best friends, Jed and Ned, to identify the body. Jed, Ned and Stanley had been friends for years. They'd attended each others weddings, watched each others children grow up, belonged to the same hunting camp, and were always seen together.
   The coroner first brought Jed into the mortuary to view the body. He pulled back the sheet, and Jed just stared at the burnt body on the table before him. Boy, he sure is burned pretty bad, he said. “I can't be sure. You better turn the body over.” So the coroner rolls the body over and Jed immediately says, “Nope. That’s not Stanley. No way.!”
   The coroner next brings Ned in to identify the remains. He pulls back the sheet and Ned has a similar reaction as Jed. He says to the coroner, “I can’t tell if that’s poor ol’ Stanley or not. You better turn the body over.” So the coroner rolls the body over and Ned immediately says, “Nope. That’s not Stanley. No way.!”
   The coroner looks at Ned and asks how both he and Jed could be so sure.
   Ned answered, “Well, Stanley had two a**holes. This poor guy only has one.”
   The coroner replied that he’d never heard of such a thing.
   “Well,” Ned said, “We never actually saw them, but people were always saying, ‘Hey, there’s Stanley with the two a**holes!’ “
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 21, 2015, 11:50:22 AM


           hahaha !!!  Good one    :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 21, 2015, 01:50:23 PM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 22, 2015, 05:29:13 AM

                 You Know you drink too much coffee when:

1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
 
 2. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
 
 3. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
 
 4. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using
 the timer.
 
 5. You lick your coffeepot clean.
 
 6. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
 
 7. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you
 don't even work there.
 
 8. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
 
 9. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their
 margaritas.
 
 10. You can jump-start your car without cables.
 
 11. All your kids are named "Joe."
 
 12. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
 
 13. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
 
 14. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
 
 15. People get dizzy just watching you.
 
 16. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up.
 Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
 
 17. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
 
 18. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
 
 19. You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.
 
 20. Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
 
 21. Instant coffee takes too long.
 
 22. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
 
 23. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity
 in a coffee can.
 
 24. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
 
 25. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
 
 26. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
 
 27. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
 
 28. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
 
 29. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
 
 30. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
 
 31. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
 
 32. You don't tan, you roast.
 
 33. You can't even remember your second cup.
 
 34. You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
 
 35. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 22, 2015, 05:53:36 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 23, 2015, 05:59:24 AM

         Cats!

1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.

3) They're totally unpredictable.

4) They whine when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8) They're moody.

9) They leave hair everywhere.

10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 23, 2015, 10:22:15 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Apr 23, 2015, 05:17:26 PM
TRUE
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 24, 2015, 04:58:18 AM
      Another Groaner Joke

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very
 pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a
 new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she
 was absolutely gorgeous.
 
 He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she
 was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't
 get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
 
 He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up
 with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to
 tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
 
 One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped
 and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
 
 The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling
 and
 singing............
 
 "I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 24, 2015, 07:07:30 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 25, 2015, 05:13:53 AM

        !6 things it took me 50 years to learn

1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
 compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.
 
 2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
 suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
 emerging from her at that moment.
 
 3. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
 
 4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
 gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
 down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
 
 5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
 to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
 
 6. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
 
 7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
 never want you to share yours with them.
 
 8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
 race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that
 word would be "meetings".
 
 9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
 annoy people who are not in them.
 
 10. (Deleted)
 
 11. You should not confuse your career with your life.
 
 12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
 person.
 
 13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
 seriously.
 
 14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
 individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.
 Very often, that individual is crazy.
 
 15. Your friends love you, anyway.
 
 16. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 25, 2015, 07:13:53 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 26, 2015, 05:10:07 AM

                     Sports Quotes

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
 Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

 "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
 Norman Einstein."
 Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996
 
 "You guys line up alphabetically by height."
 Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

 "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
 Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
 
 "I play football. I'm not trying to be a
 professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your
 brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
 Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman
 because of academic requirements:

 Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with
 promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?
 He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

 Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
 color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how
 to spell my name, I can still find my #%@# clothes."

 Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his
 visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we
 went to."

 Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every
 level, except college and pro."
 
 Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
 heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in
 the morning regardless of what time it is."

 1992- Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's
 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general
 manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
 
 1982 - Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining
 to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My
 sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or
 an aunt.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 26, 2015, 06:31:00 AM
 true
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 27, 2015, 04:43:55 AM

My grandfather and my grandmother were discussin' their 50th wedding
 anniversary when she said, "Shall I kill a chicken tonight?" "Naw,
 said Grandpappy, "Why blame a bird for something' that happened
 50 years ago."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 27, 2015, 05:37:33 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 28, 2015, 04:27:48 AM


                     Gender Identity
 
If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert
 to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have
 a gender. For example...

Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you
 can see right through them.

Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
 warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
 buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
 are pushed.

Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated.

Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you
 have to light a fire under it. . . and, of course, there's the
 hot air part.

Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain
 water.

Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people
 up.

Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
 bottom.

Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Control -- Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male. But
 consider -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
 while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps
 trying.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 28, 2015, 04:00:42 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 29, 2015, 03:04:39 AM

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day.
 
 They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume
 of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into
 the thick of traffic.
 
 This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked
 drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
 
 The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on
 the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of
 his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.
 
 A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his
 amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding
 your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
 
 The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find
 out where his head is, so I can kick his butt."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 29, 2015, 04:09:58 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 29, 2015, 05:27:15 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: stka on Apr 29, 2015, 07:27:09 PM
(http://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10401996_417777085048579_1673923047608042195_n.jpg?oh=e24a88fe701e68497fc28845665c354e&oe=55D37BD1&__gda__=1440304827_52b6854765a591000386da9b4be690cb)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 30, 2015, 03:44:17 AM


      hahaha   Nice one   :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 30, 2015, 04:30:42 AM

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.
She had several hundred young pullets' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 30, 2015, 03:58:49 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 01, 2015, 05:05:01 AM

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly
the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo
stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it....he was
a DWARF!

 He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So,
 I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on May 01, 2015, 08:37:34 AM
Hehehehehehe  he    he     he!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on May 01, 2015, 11:39:37 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 01, 2015, 02:46:05 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 02, 2015, 05:37:39 AM

A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, his shirt
 open at the collar, but is stopped by a bouncer who tells
 him he must wear a necktie to get in.
 
 So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for
 a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees
 a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties
 these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly
 acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
 
 He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully
 looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well,
 okay, I guess you can come in -- just don't start anything."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 02, 2015, 07:32:24 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 03, 2015, 04:24:20 AM

Philosophers Of This Century - Enjoy

 

 
~ John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
 
 
~ Desmond Tutu...
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
 
 
~ David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes

that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
 
 
~ Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.
 
 
~ Old Italian proverb...
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. 
 
 
~ Betsy Salkind...
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
 
 
~ Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
 
 
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor...
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
 
 
~ Jeff Foxworthy...
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
 
 
~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
 
 
~ Emo Philips...
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
 
 
~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
 
 
~ Spike Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.
 
 
~ Robin Hall...
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.
 
 
~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror
 
 
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier.

I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
 
 
~ WH Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
 
 
~ Jonathan Katz...
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked
 
 
~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
 
 
~ Warren Tantum... (School photo album).
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical
 
 
~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap
 
 
~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
 
 
. ~ Doug Hanwell...
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
 
 
~ George Roberts...
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone
 
 
~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
 
 
~ Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 03, 2015, 06:08:17 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 04, 2015, 04:53:33 AM

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who
 had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr.
 Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the
 USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you
 to eagerly pay them with a smile."
 
 "Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face. "I
 thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 04, 2015, 03:24:38 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 05, 2015, 04:57:05 AM

There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a
 priest to give him a ride.

 He's driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side
 of the road and thinks, "Hot! A lawyer that I could run over!" So he
 speeds up and heads straight for him.

 At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves
 real quick to miss him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no
 sign of the lawyer.

 He says to the priest "Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that
 lawyer!"

 The priest then replies "That's ok son, I got him with my door."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on May 05, 2015, 08:13:42 AM
nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 05, 2015, 05:21:02 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 06, 2015, 03:27:21 AM

All men are seduced into believing they're marrying or dating nymphomaniacs.
The problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves....
But the maniac stays.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 06, 2015, 04:05:39 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 08, 2015, 04:59:34 AM

          I didn't know what to get my mother in law for mothers day so I bought her, an expensive
          Cemetery plot.
          This year I didn't get her anything. She was quick to complain that there was no gift.
          I replied to her that " You haven't used the gift I got you last year".


 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 08, 2015, 06:03:27 AM
 

           3rd world country makes to space!
           
   (https://www.youtube.com/embed/pD_yQZ4iNjY)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 08, 2015, 05:05:37 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 09, 2015, 05:31:46 AM

A man went to visit his 90-year old grandfather and while
 eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he
 noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says,
 "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"
 
 His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold
 water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."
 
 That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather
 made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around
 the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are
 you sure these plates are clean?"
 
 Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I
 told you, those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them,
 now don't ask me about it anymore."
 
 Later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As
 he was leaving the house, Grandfather's dog, who was lying on
 the floor, started to growl and would not let him pass.
 
 "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
 
 Without diverting his attention from the football game he was
 watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt
 out of the way!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 09, 2015, 06:13:20 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 10, 2015, 02:59:05 AM

During a neighborhood party here, I got into an argument
 with my neighbor about presidential politics.
 
 Finally, he asked me why I was such a dedicated Republican.
 
 I told him that my Father and Grandfather were Republicans
 before me and that I was carrying on the family tradition.
 
 "That's it ?" said my exasperated neighbor. "What if your
 Father and Grandfather had been horse thieves ?"
 
 "Well..." I replied, "I suppose then I'd be in the other major
 political party with you."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 10, 2015, 05:57:29 AM

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.
 
 I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of
 mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I
 explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.
 
 She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 10, 2015, 06:11:07 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 10, 2015, 06:11:40 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 11, 2015, 04:19:17 AM


Church Bulletin and Service Bloopers
 

 This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service
 bloopers:

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
 *
 Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
 *
 Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church
 and community.
 *
 For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
 have a nursery downstairs.
 *
 Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First
 Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the
 side entrance.
 *
 Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday
 nights. She's used the program herself and has been
 growing like crazy!
 *
 The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the
 birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs.
 Julius Belzer.
 *
 This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and
 North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at
 both ends.
 *
 Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.
 All ladies giving milk will please come early.
 *
 This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
 forward and lay an egg on the altar.
 *
 The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of
 the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the
 congregation will join in.
 *
 Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray
 the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do
 something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
 *
 The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
 kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
 
 Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
 *
 Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the
 addition of several new members and to the deterioration
 of some older ones.
 *
 The senior choir invites any member of the congregation
 who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
 *
 At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
 "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
 *
 During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare
 privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe
 supplied our pulpit.
 *
 The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
 *
 The church is glad to have with us today as our guest
 minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with
 him. After the service we request that all remain in the
 sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
 *
 The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
 Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The
 congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
 *
 The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
 *
 Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
 *
 Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in
 preparing for the girth of their first child.
 *
 Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items
 to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple
 children.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 11, 2015, 03:27:53 PM
Sounds filmier  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 12, 2015, 04:13:01 AM


Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short,
 everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they
 took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
 
 After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on
 his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight
 to his room & starts studying.
 
 Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard
 at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to
 her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a
 word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.
 This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to
 understand what made all the difference.
 
 Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it
 on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great
 trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got
 an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his
 room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy
 looks at her and shakes his head. "Well, then," she replies, "was it the
 books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?"
Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school,
 when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling
 around."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on May 12, 2015, 07:41:23 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 12, 2015, 04:01:08 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 13, 2015, 03:42:35 AM


Before and After Marriage
 

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
 After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

 Before - Ricky & Lucy.
 After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live.
 After - Monday Night Football.

 Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
 After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - The Sound of Music.
 After - The Sound of Silence.

Before - Is that all you are eating?
 After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.
 After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream.
 After - It's a nightmare.

Before - $60/dozen.
 After - $1.50/stem.

Before - Turbocharged.
 After - Needs a jump-start

Before - We agree on everything!
 After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria's Secret.
 After - Fruit of the Loom.

 Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
 After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol.
 After - Idle.

 Before - He's lost without me.
 After - Why can't he ask for directions?

 Before - When together, time stands still.
 After - This relationship is going nowhere.

 Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
 After - Bagels and instant coffee.

 Before - Oysters.
 After - Fishsticks.

 Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
 After - How the heck did I end up with someone like you?

 Before - Romeo and Juliet.
 After - Bill and Hillary..

 Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
 until I got married; and then it was too late."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 13, 2015, 04:06:48 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 14, 2015, 04:50:01 AM



It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is good natured political humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!"

He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

He played the sax.

He smoked weed.

He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada .

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes.
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 14, 2015, 04:00:21 PM


          Nice one  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 15, 2015, 03:38:00 AM

A film crew  was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old
 Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
 
 The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the
 director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a
 hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his
 secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after
 several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for
 two weeks.
 
 Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene
 tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will
 the weather be like?"
 
 The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is
 broken."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 15, 2015, 03:57:50 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on May 15, 2015, 02:39:17 PM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 16, 2015, 04:52:01 AM

       Are you ready for a groan joke tis morning?
                      The Stage!
     
 
During a performance for the high school drama class at the local
 theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed
 to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins,
 accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.
 
 He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the
 back of the theatre shouted:
 
 "Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going
 through!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 16, 2015, 07:29:05 AM
 :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 17, 2015, 05:23:16 AM


           
  You know you're from a small town if....
 

 You can name everyone you graduated with.
 
 You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt
 road.
 
 You used to drag "main".
 
 You said a cuss word and your parents knew within the hour.
 
 You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.
 
 School gets canceled for state events.
 
 It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
 
 The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
 
 You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.
 
 The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty," but is actually
 just like your town.
 
 Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.
 
 You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people."
 
 The people in the city dress funny, then you pick-up on the trend two
 years later.
 
 Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed
 store.
 
 You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.
 
 Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference.
 
 You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school on a daily basis.
 
 You know what 4-H is.
 
 You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask
 if you need a ride.
 
 You can charge at all the local stores.
 
 The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away. So is the closest mall.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 17, 2015, 05:56:55 AM
Nice  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 18, 2015, 04:54:27 AM

 
 A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl
 approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, want to play house?"
 
 He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
 
 The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
 
 "Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea
 what that means."
 
 The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 18, 2015, 04:14:44 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 19, 2015, 04:11:00 AM

  CATS

1) Cats do what they want.

2) They rarely listen to you.

3) They're totally unpredictable.

4) They whine when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8) They're moody.

9) They leave hair everywhere.

10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 19, 2015, 04:35:36 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 20, 2015, 04:39:43 AM


                Old Geezer Thoughts

JUST SOME QUICK THOUGHTS TO HELP YOU THROUGH THE DAY.

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment .... now, as
a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that
down, I'll remember it."

Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I
finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I'm very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that
needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is
just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

 The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back
"no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll
do that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to
transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

 Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

 Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

 Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering
what I came in there for.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 20, 2015, 05:25:13 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 21, 2015, 04:29:10 AM

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
 
 Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
 
 Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within
 my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
 
 Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
 
 Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
 
 Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped.It's because
 I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade
 show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any
 trademark on it?"
 
 Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything
 about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
 
 At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because
 he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller
 had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a
 cup holder and snapped it off the drive.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 21, 2015, 05:36:44 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 22, 2015, 05:36:03 AM

Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven. When he got to the pearly gates,
 Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances
 in education on Earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly
 soul must answer three questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T."
 2. How many seconds are in a year?
 3. What is God's first name?
 
 Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered, "The two days
 of the week that begin with 'T' are 'Today' and 'Tomorrow.'
 There are twelve seconds in a year.
 And God has two first names; they are 'Andy' and 'Howard.'

Saint Peter said, "Okay, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow. Even
 though it's not the answer I expected, your
 answer is correct. But, how did you get twelve seconds in a
 year, and why did you ever think that God's first
 name is either Andy or Howard?
 
 Forrest responded: Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..."

"OK, I'll give you that one, too," said Saint Peter, "but what about the
 God's first name stuff?"

Forrest said, "Well, from the song, 'Andy walks with me, Andy
 talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...' and the
 prayer, 'Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...'
 Saint Peter let him in without further discussion.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 22, 2015, 07:28:57 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 23, 2015, 05:17:40 AM

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being
 greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it
 is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"
 
 To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven.
 But you must do one more thing before you can enter."
 
 The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do
 to pass through the gates.
 
 "Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
 
 "What word?" she asked.
 
 "Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
 
 The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.
 L-o-v-e."

 St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven,
 and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few
 minutes while he went to the bathroom. "I'd be honored," she said, "but
 what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?" St. Peter
 reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers
 to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
 
 So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful
 angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the
 gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
 
 "What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
 
 Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I
 left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make
 it to Heaven?"

 To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word
 first."

 "What word?" he asked.
 
 The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 23, 2015, 06:44:39 AM


          Nice  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 24, 2015, 04:12:03 AM



          Lessons Learned
 

 No one listens until you make a mistake.
 
 Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
 
 The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
 
 The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of
 the bread.
 
 The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to
 reach it.
 
 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
 
 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
 
 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
 If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
 before.
 
 Don't sweat the petty things....or pet the sweaty things.
 
 A fool and his money are soon partying.
 
 Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
 
 If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
 
 Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
 
 I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
 
 Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
 
 Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
 
 Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
 
 Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
 
 Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
 
 Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
 
 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
 
 A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
 
 If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
 
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 24, 2015, 05:40:51 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 25, 2015, 04:45:59 AM

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet
 when a policeman ran up to help.

 "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the
 shaken man told the cop.
 
 "The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How
 could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"

 "I recognized her laugh!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on May 25, 2015, 09:14:00 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 25, 2015, 05:04:35 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 26, 2015, 04:31:21 AM

Late in the night he regained consciousness. He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.


She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."


Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?"


 THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 26, 2015, 05:23:56 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 27, 2015, 04:13:20 AM


 An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks
 his list and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place,
 fella." So the engineer disappointedly reports to the gates of Hell,
 wondering what he did to deserve this.
 
 Pretty soon, having accepted his fate, the engineer gets
dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and
building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush
 toliets, escalators, etc., and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
 
 One day, God calls Satan up on his telephathic connection and
 asks, "So how's it going down there in Hell?"
 
 Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
 conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no
 telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.
 We're having a wonderful time.
 
 God replies: "What?!!! You've got an engineer? That's a
 mistake -- he should never have gotten down there. Send him up
 here."

 Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
 keeping him."
 
 God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
 
 Satan laughs uroariously and answers, "Yeah, right! And just
 where are YOU going to get a lawyer?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on May 27, 2015, 07:46:36 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 27, 2015, 03:42:15 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 28, 2015, 05:29:34 AM

A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Oklahoma. He shot
 and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the
 other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
 drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field,
 and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are
 not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys
 in Oklahoma and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you
 and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know
 how we settle disputes in these parts of Oklahoma. We settle
 small disagreements like this with the Okie Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my
 land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three
 times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and
 decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed
 to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and
 walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his
 heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped
 him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's
 last meal gushing from his mouth.

The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to
 his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get
 to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,
 "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can
 have the duck."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on May 28, 2015, 07:03:49 AM
 ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 28, 2015, 04:27:01 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 29, 2015, 04:43:15 AM

A man goes into his doctors office for an annual
 physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and
 says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you
 have a condition which only allows you another 6
 weeks to live."
 
 "But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I
 haven't felt better in years. This just can't be
 true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
 
 After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might
 start going down the street to that new health spa
 and take a mud bath every day."
 
 Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"
 
 "No," Replied the doctor, "but it will get you
 used to the dirt."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on May 29, 2015, 07:27:37 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 29, 2015, 04:30:07 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 30, 2015, 04:31:53 AM


 A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I
 want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains
 cremated."
 
 "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
 
 The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to
 the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have
 everything."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 30, 2015, 05:18:08 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on May 30, 2015, 07:15:29 AM
nice.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 31, 2015, 05:03:38 AM

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine
 when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver
 to stop and he got out to investigate.

 "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

 "We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.

 "Oh, come along with me then."

 "But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

 "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

 "But sir, I have a wife and two children!" the second man answered.

 "Bring them as well!" the wealthy lawyer said.

 They all climbed into the limo and once underway, one of the poor fellows
 says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

 The lawyer replied, "My pleasure, the grass in my back yard is about two
 feet tall."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 31, 2015, 06:36:25 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 01, 2015, 05:16:46 AM

"You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?"

 "I am 78." The man said. "78?" asked the doctor. "How do you stay so
 healthy? You look like a 60 year old."
"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married
 that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool
 off and I would go outside to settle down." the man explained.

 "What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.

 "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Jun 01, 2015, 08:22:00 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 02, 2015, 02:20:19 AM

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a
 severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the
 largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities
 turned out including: Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry
 Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies. The gravesite was
 piled high with flours and longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the
 eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was
 kneaded."
 
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled
 with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie,
 squandering much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as
 a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived
 by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The
 funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 02, 2015, 03:29:31 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 03, 2015, 03:05:51 AM

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop
 and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.
 
 He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth.
 
 The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and
 a leg of lamb, please."
 
 The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a
 ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages
 and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
 
 The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides
 to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.
 
 The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog
 puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he
 waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and
 he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
 
 The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.
 
 The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and
 sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
 
 Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at
 the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the
 dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and
 climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
 
 The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog
 gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs,
 pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still
 in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
 
 They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up
 the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back
 down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the
 door.
 
 He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself
 -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so
 the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks
 along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his
 head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and
 waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door,
 and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
 
 The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?
 
 This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for Heaven's sake!" To which
 the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week
 he's forgotten his key!"
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 03, 2015, 03:06:30 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 03, 2015, 10:39:20 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 04, 2015, 04:42:55 AM

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how  we came
 to have an oil shortage here in the USA.

 Well, there's a very simple answer:

 We couldn't check it out...
.
 .
 All the dipsticks.... are in Washington, DC!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 04, 2015, 05:22:57 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 05, 2015, 04:29:58 AM



             Diet Facts


A diet is a weigh of life.

It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight,
 it's the seconds.

It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we
 want and pray we don't gain weight.

The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us
 do it at the drive in window of McDonalds.

The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae
 is a spoon.

The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes
 one weak.

Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching
 what other people eat.

Diets are for women who not only kept their girlish figure but doubled it.

A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.

Many women reduce and reduce, yet still never manage to become
 a bargain.

The best way to lose weight is by skipping ... snacks and desert.

Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two...alone.

People go to Weight Watchers to learn their lessens.

A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories
 instead of its blessings.

A diet is what you go on when not only can't you fit into the store's
 dresses, you can't fit into the dressing room.

One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If you're thin, don't
 eat fast. If you're fat, don't eat - FAST.

Above all, dieters are advised to avoid Pepsi, "the pause that refleshes."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 05, 2015, 04:26:15 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 06, 2015, 04:38:41 AM

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their
 local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a
 bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.
 
 One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it
 really was the photo of a wanted person.
 
 "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to
 capture him."
 
 Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his
 picture?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 06, 2015, 05:32:36 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 07, 2015, 03:29:53 AM

At one point during a game, the coach said to one
 of his young players, "Do you understand what
 cooperation is? What a team is?"

 The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

 "Do you understand that what matters is whether
 we win together as a team?"

 The little boy nodded yes.

 "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called,
 or you're out at first,you don't argue or curse or
 attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

 Again the little boy nodded.

 "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and
 explain it to your mother."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 07, 2015, 03:54:41 AM

           
    (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAohTRUTeyU)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 07, 2015, 05:34:38 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Jun 07, 2015, 07:47:26 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 08, 2015, 04:14:48 AM

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his
 cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
 
 "Sixteen," the boy responded.
 
 His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.
 "How did you know that?"
 
 "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like
 the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four
 poorer.' "
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 08, 2015, 04:53:25 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 09, 2015, 03:42:50 AM

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a
 creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm
 into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His
 arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish
 the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

 "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence
 the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can
 accompany it or not, as he chooses."

 The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached
 his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 09, 2015, 03:51:02 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 10, 2015, 04:03:46 AM

The airliner from Moron Airways was preparing to land at O'Hare Field.
 
 The pilot radioed the control tower that he thought the runway was too
 short to land on. The tower radioed back that it was more than long
 enough.
 
 In a few minutes the pilot again radioed about the runway length, only
 to receive the same reply. On final approach, the pilot radioed again
 that he thought the runway was too short, only to receive an
 exasperated reply that the runway was long enough and to go
 ahead and land.
 
 Sure enough, the plane touched down and ran into the passenger
 terminal, resulting in major damage and great loss of life.
 After the plane came to a halt, the pilot turned to the co-pilot said,
 "See, I told them the runway was too short".
 
 To which the co-pilot replied, "Yeah, but did you see how wide that
 it was?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 10, 2015, 05:25:07 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 11, 2015, 04:33:09 AM

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an
 inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him
 that all was well.

 However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the
 hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be second surgery
 the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy
 to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at
 what was making him so uncomfortable.

 Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips
 of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off. Written in
 large black letters was the sentence.

 "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 11, 2015, 08:48:07 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 11, 2015, 04:29:04 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 12, 2015, 04:32:42 AM

A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having
 difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band.
 
 Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll
 throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 12, 2015, 03:06:30 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 13, 2015, 04:13:44 AM

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in
 one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the
 story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a
 good excuse for a change."
 
 Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss.
 The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in
 ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than
 let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still
 damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's
 helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was
 carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
 
 "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss,
 obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten
 minutes."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 13, 2015, 05:35:21 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 13, 2015, 07:44:07 AM
n ice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 14, 2015, 04:39:09 AM

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when
 an electrical malfunction disabled all of the
 aircraft's electronic navigation and communications
 equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot
 could not determine the helicopter's position and
 course to fly to the airport.
 
 The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,
 circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in
 the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said
 "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
 
 People in the tall building quickly responded to
 the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a
 building window. Their sign read:
 
 "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
 
 The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map,
 determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport,
 and landed safely.
 
 After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked
 the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign
 helped determine their position.
 
 The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the
 MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically
 correct, but completely useless answer."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 14, 2015, 06:49:42 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 15, 2015, 03:49:28 AM

While enjoying an Early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona café,
 four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses,
and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."
 
 Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman
 turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your
 bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
 
 "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
 
 "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man
 asked.
 
 The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our
 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go
 down there and get her."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 15, 2015, 11:40:02 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 15, 2015, 03:58:24 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 16, 2015, 03:52:30 AM

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when
 he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was
 standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
 
 Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey
 DeBakey! Is dat you? Come over here a minute."
 
 The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was
 working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said
 argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this work. I also
 take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this
 baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks,
 when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
 
 DeBakey, grinning as he walked away, said softly to Morris, "Try doing
 your work with the engine running."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 16, 2015, 02:37:58 PM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 16, 2015, 04:57:00 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 17, 2015, 04:42:13 AM

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose
 lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. On the same day, month and
 year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully, they attended their respective parochial schools from
 kindergarten through their Senior years in high school. They took their
 vows to enter the priesthood early in their college days, and upon
 graduation became priests.

 Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally
 acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.
 Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal
 was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the
 present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become
 the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less
 time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney, and the
 world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and
 secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated, because even with all
 Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that
 shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with
 them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy"?

After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio
 and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could
 not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being
 called............

Are you ready for this??????????????...........

Pope Secola.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 17, 2015, 03:32:40 PM
 :-\ :-\
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 18, 2015, 04:53:06 AM

A man visiting Scotland one day drove through Fife.
 Feeling hungry, he stopped at a Chinese restaurant
 he was passing.
The food he ate there was by far the tastiest food he
 had ever eaten, so when he asked for the bill, he was
 astounded to find out that there was no charge.

The waiter simply told him, ...
 "The best Ying's in Fife are free."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 18, 2015, 05:55:02 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 19, 2015, 05:03:30 AM

One day the teacher told her class to think of something exiting that happened recently.

Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida.

Clyde said his dad got drunk all the time.

Little Johnny put a dot on the board and the teacher asked him to explain what was exciting about a period.

He said, "Hell if I know but my sister said she missed hers and my mom screamed, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy nextdoor killed himself."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 19, 2015, 06:46:10 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 20, 2015, 04:36:04 AM

•Why do blonds like BMWs?
•Cause they can spell it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 20, 2015, 06:54:36 AM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 22, 2015, 04:36:29 AM

After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.
"But-where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbath?"
"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food you still eat?"
"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me-you're still circumcised?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 22, 2015, 04:42:42 PM
 ???
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 23, 2015, 04:22:21 AM

The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant.
 "Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?"
 demands the gangster.

 The accountant is silent.

 "Where's my $3 million?" the crime boss shouts.

 The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate."
 So using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant
 about the money, and the message is relayed back
 that the accountant knows nothing about it.

 Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to
 the deaf accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer,
 "Ask him again where my money is!"

 "Okay! Okay!" the deaf accountant signs back.
 "The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my back yard."

 "What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss.

 The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to
 pull the trigger."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 23, 2015, 04:13:35 PM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 24, 2015, 04:39:54 AM

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the
 attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said,
 "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."
 "Why is that," the host asked?
 Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks
 ...anyone can!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 24, 2015, 02:13:42 PM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 24, 2015, 04:32:35 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 25, 2015, 04:43:25 AM

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving
 violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
 
 "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
 
 "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop,
 "it looks like you've had quite a few.
 
 "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
 
 "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding
 his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your
 car?"
 
 "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I
 thought I'd gone deaf."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 25, 2015, 05:16:21 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 26, 2015, 03:54:12 AM

I was ice-skating today just minding my own business when I noticed some big fat girl kept giving me the eye.
Eventually she came over. "Hi there, I'm a bit shy I'm not very good at breaking the ice," she laughed.
"Have you tried jumping?" I asked.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 26, 2015, 02:27:49 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 27, 2015, 05:23:00 AM


A Tough Place to Work
 

 Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has
 a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*
 7 have been arrested for fraud
*
 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*
 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*
 3 have been arrested for assault
*
 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*
 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*
 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*
 21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*
 In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
*
 Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?
Scroll Down. 

 :

 :

 :
It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The
 same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon
 hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.
 
 




 
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 27, 2015, 05:55:18 AM
 ???
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Jun 27, 2015, 05:04:00 PM
 :P
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 28, 2015, 05:25:14 AM

One day Jesus and Satan were arguing about who had the greatest
 computer skills. They argued and argued. When they had drawn a crowd
 of onlookers and were still going at it hot and heavy, the angels--
 fallen and not--started to take sides and make bets.
Well God had had quite enough of this and decided to intervene. He told
 Jesus and Satan that there would be a progamming contest between the two
 that would settle the argument of who was better. They both began program-
 ming day and night to win the contest. They were at their computers
 for an eternity when ZAP came a flash of lightning from God and their
 screens went blank.

 The day of reckoning had come. "Well, let's see
 what you have done", said God.

So, Satan reboots his computer calls up
 his program and the screen is blank. Nothing! He turns, smiles and
 looks at Jesus.

Jesus reboots his computer, calls up his program, and an
 infinite universe appears: Colorful, luminescent, in breathtaking 3-D,
 with populations of people and animals, building, working, eating,
 loving, giving birth, and dying.

"THAT'S NOT FAIR," shouted Satan.

 "Oh, yes it is," God said, "Jesus saves."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 28, 2015, 06:24:08 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 29, 2015, 04:08:39 AM

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing
 on map reading.
 
 After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees
 and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked
 you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes
 north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east
 longitude...?"
 
 After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess
 you'd be eating alone."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Hollywood on Jun 29, 2015, 07:04:34 AM
 An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a
 > purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on
 > talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of
 > money.
 >
 > After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an
 > employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
 >
 >
 > The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She
 > placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
 >
 >
 > The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so
 > much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
 >
 > The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
 >
 > The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles
 > are square.'
 >
 > The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible
 > to win a bet like that.
 >
 >
 > The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said,
 > 'Would you like to take my bet?'
 >
 >
 > 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles
 > are not square.'
 >
 >
 > 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money
 > involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow
 > morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the
 > Bank confidently.
 >
 >
 > That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a
 > long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this
 > way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that
 > no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that
 > there was no way he could lose the bet.
 >
 >
 > The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the
 > president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the
 > day before that the president's testicles were square.
 >
 >
 > The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day
 > before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that
 > she and her lawyer could see clearly.
 >
 >
 > The president was happy to oblige.
 >
 >
 > The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked
 > the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president.
 > 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
 >
 >
 > The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president
 > noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the
 > elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably
 > because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be
 > holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 29, 2015, 04:27:30 PM
 :)  nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 30, 2015, 05:12:18 AM

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to
 Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

 Stevie replies, "Not too bad... How's the golf?"

 Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my
 swing, but I think I've got that right now".

 Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need
 to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
 play, it seems to be all right."

 Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years".

Tiger says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't
 see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of
 the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and
 play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands,
 the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again
 I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the
 hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the
 ball towards his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round
 sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only
 play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole".

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, - when
 would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jun 30, 2015, 08:18:27 AM
nice.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 30, 2015, 04:51:20 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 01, 2015, 04:14:59 AM


Bill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year,

 And every year Bill would say,

 " Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

 Blanche always replied,

 " I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

 And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

 One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

 " Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

 If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

 To this, Blanche replied,

 " Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

 The pilot overheard the couple and said,

 " Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

 But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

 Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

 The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

 He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

 But still not a word...

 When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

 " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

 I'm impressed! "

 Bill replied,

 " Well, to tell you the truth

 I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

 But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "


 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 01, 2015, 03:32:41 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 02, 2015, 04:05:25 AM

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 02, 2015, 01:31:44 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 03, 2015, 04:27:40 AM

What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the Declaration of Independence with a rooster?
 John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 03, 2015, 05:32:57 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 04, 2015, 04:58:00 AM


A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 04, 2015, 06:54:50 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 05, 2015, 05:54:35 AM


God, Moses and the Computer
 

 "Excuse me, sir."

 "Is that you again, Moses?"

 "I'm afraid it is, sir."

 "What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"

 "How did you guess?"

 "I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"

 "Oh, yeah. I forgot."

 "Tell me what you want, Moses."

 "But you already know. Remember?"

 "Moses!"

 "Sorry, sir."

 "Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"

 "Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent me."

 "You mean the commandments, Moses?"

 "That's it. I was wondering if they were important."

 "What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they are
 important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."

 "Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of
 course you would see right through that."

 "What do you mean 'you lost them'! Are you trying to tell me you didn't
 save them, Moses?"

 "No, sir. I forgot."
 
 "Well, My Son always saves, Moses."

 "Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot.
 I did send them to some people before I lost them though."

 "And did you hear back from any of them?"
 
 "You already know I did."

 "What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'.
 Can he change the words a little bit?"

 "Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."

 "And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh
 and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people
 pick one or two to try for a while?"

 "Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."
 
 "I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was
 scamming him?"

 "I think that is spamming, Moses."

 "Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff
 and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

 "And what did he say?"

 "You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he
 might have sent me one of those plagues and that's the reason I lost
 those ten things, do you?"

 "They're called viruses, Moses."

 "Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go
 back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out
 and reading them each day, but I never lost them."
 
 "We'll do it the new way, Moses."
 
 "I was afraid you would say that, sir."

 "Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
 
 "You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the
 computer."

 "It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"

 "No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all,
 who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like
 your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice
 on the ark?"

 "No, Moses."

 "One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice,
 because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
 
 "I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog
 if you want to."

 "Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman
 told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named
 one of the computers Apple?"

 "Say goodnight, Moses."

 "Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be
 working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."

 "Which ones are they, Moses?"

 "Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and
 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"

 "Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone
 tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 05, 2015, 06:51:53 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 06, 2015, 03:12:09 AM

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sends her husband to a therapist who winds up treating him with self-hypnosis. To her joy, everything gets much better. However, she can't help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband dashes out to the bathroom for several minutes. This torments her until finally, one night, she follows him. There, in front of the mirror, she finds him applying this therapeutic technique, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 06, 2015, 03:51:36 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 07, 2015, 04:42:34 AM

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 41 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh S#%t !"

Only the states of
Oklahoma, Nebraska, Missouri,
Kansas, Arkansas, Alabama,
Georgia, and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:

"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Jul 07, 2015, 10:39:11 AM
 ;D  ;)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 07, 2015, 04:21:21 PM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Jul 07, 2015, 07:27:49 PM
 ;D ;D 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Jul 07, 2015, 08:29:24 PM
Good one Jeff..  I bet that has been said in the Adirondacks a few times... ::) ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 07, 2015, 09:02:47 PM
Good one Jeff..  I bet that has been said in the Adirondacks a few times... ::) ::)
            Oh yeah, I might have said it myself, I can't remember lol Does that tell you something! :P
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 08, 2015, 03:58:23 AM


        Would you hold my beer to jeff   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 08, 2015, 04:54:34 AM


A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
   
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
   
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. 

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
   
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
   
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
   
"I see," the captain says.
   
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
   
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jul 08, 2015, 07:25:52 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 08, 2015, 04:27:31 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 09, 2015, 04:58:52 AM


D.C. Bumper Stickers
 

Bumper stickers reportedly seen on cars around the DC area:

Clinton: We forgive you...Now Resign!
*
 Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency
*
 Adultery is not a family value
*
 Does character matter YET?
*
 Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat
*
 Jail to the Chief
*
 Today, kids no longer play doctor, they play President
*
 The Clinton Creed: Take Credit, Not Responsibility
*
 If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter.
*
 Save the President: Legalize Perjury
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 09, 2015, 03:50:14 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 13, 2015, 06:05:11 AM

          There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 and found that he
 owed $3,407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:
 
 Dear IRS: Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take
 note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In
 the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50
 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
 
 Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six
 hammers (value $1,029).
 
 This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the
 overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election
 Fund', as noted on my return. Might I suggest you to send the
 above mentioned fund a '1.5 inch screw'. (See attached article
 - HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
 
 It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look
 forward to paying it again next year.
 
 Sincerely,
  TAX Payer
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 13, 2015, 04:45:08 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 14, 2015, 04:09:11 AM

 A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating
 guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the
 lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a
 trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
 lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
 presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward
 the courtroom door.

 The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed.

Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous
 statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that
 you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and
 insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

 The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later,
 the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all
 of you stare at the door."

 The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 14, 2015, 04:42:53 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 15, 2015, 04:26:19 AM

Breast or Bottle Fed??
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived,
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He
pinched her nipples,then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a
while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he
said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said,"I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 15, 2015, 04:13:56 PM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 16, 2015, 04:10:44 AM

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: SHaRPS on Jul 16, 2015, 02:11:34 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 16, 2015, 04:39:23 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 17, 2015, 04:19:41 AM

One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him
 everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the
 radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported
 seeing the ape.
 
 At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials
 of the zoo as well as the animal handlers were summoned to the
 library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with
 two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great
 concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
 
 The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing. The ape replied,
 "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether
 I am my keeper's brother."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 17, 2015, 03:02:36 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 18, 2015, 04:07:41 AM


You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off.

And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

See answer below






Get your drunk butt off the merry-go-round.
               
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 18, 2015, 06:56:21 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 19, 2015, 04:53:01 AM

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do," says the devil.

"You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves ."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing he hammer, time after
time. "No!" I've got this problem with my shoul der. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 19, 2015, 07:00:30 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 20, 2015, 04:11:35 AM

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his
 company.Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the
seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the
 Goodyear Blimp than the field.
 
 About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10
 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance
 and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to
 the empty seat.
 
 As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me,
 is anyone sitting here?"
 
 The man says no.
 
 Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again
 inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right
 mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?"
 
 The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
 supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
 Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
 
 "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find
 someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
 
 "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jul 20, 2015, 07:28:33 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 20, 2015, 03:53:51 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 20, 2015, 04:02:37 PM




                      Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give him a fishing rod & he will throw it away and wait for Lenny Henry to turn up &
                       make a TV show about how hungry he is.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 21, 2015, 03:31:13 AM


Is It Better to be Single or Married?
 

The Great Debate: Is It Better To Be Single or Married?
 Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children
 (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute and very enlightening,
 thus proving that all we need to know, we probably learned in kindergarten.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
 "Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you
 can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)
 *
 "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."
 (Tommy, 5)
 
 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
 "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
 gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike,10)
 
 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
 "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big
 ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the
 wedding."(Jim, 10)
 *
 "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if
 anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it
 with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)
 
 THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
 "It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need
 somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)
 *
 "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I
 don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
 
 CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE:
 "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with
 how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)
 *
 "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but
 the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
 
 ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
 "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
 *
 "If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want
 to do it. It takes to long to learn." (Leo, 7)
 
 ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE:
 "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family,
 it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
 *
 "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like
 anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
 *
 "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a longtime."
 (Christine,9)
 
 CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid
good money for them." (David, 8)
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 21, 2015, 04:13:06 AM



    Two Men Hunting Two men went hunting. One had been an avid hunter; hunting all his life, the other man was a city boy; hunting for the first time. The avid hunter told city boy to sit down and not make a sound. So he did. But when the first man got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" he said. "I was when the snake bit me," the man said. "And I was when the bear attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat or take them with us,' I screamed."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 22, 2015, 04:26:42 AM


Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.  It was a fine spring day in his new Washington D.C. parish.  He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

 He promptly called the White House .

 The conversation went like this:
 "Good morning. This is Barack Obama . How might I help you?"

 

"And the best of the day te yerself.     This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?" 


 Barack, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

 There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . . Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call." 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 22, 2015, 04:42:19 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 23, 2015, 04:17:13 AM





At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of
the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages.
What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to
be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them
back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free
box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster
purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a
cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the
inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We
save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then
they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is
save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS, and about once
a year they send us a complete prick!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 23, 2015, 02:53:22 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 24, 2015, 03:40:05 AM


              One Testicle 

    There once was an Indian who had only one testicle 

    And whose given name was 'Onestone'. 

    He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. 

  After years and years of torment, 

 Onestone finally cracked and said, '   If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' 

    The word got around and nobody called him that any more. 

    Then one day a young woman named  Blue Bird  forgot and said,   'Good morning, Onestone.'

     He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. 

    He made love to her all the next day,   until  Blue Bird  died from exhaustion.

    The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. 

    Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until 

    A woman named  Yellow Bird     returned to the village after being away. 
    Yellow Bird  , who was  Blue Bird's  cousin,   was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. 

    She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' 

    Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,    then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, m ade love to her all the next night, but  Yellow Bird wouldn't  die! 


Why ??? 



OH, come on... Take a guess !!! 



 

Think about it !!! 
     

You're going to love this !!! 






Everyone knows.. 



 


You can't kill Two  Birds 

With   

 OneStone  !!! 
 




 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 24, 2015, 03:52:04 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 25, 2015, 04:53:34 AM

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing
pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the
 sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun
 and the prospect of catching a fish.
 
 About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach,
trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the
 fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this
 fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for
 himself and his family. "You aren't going to catch many fish that way,"
 said the businessman to the fisherman. "You should be working rather
 than lying on the beach!"
 
 The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied,
"And what will my reward be?" "Well, you can get bigger nets and
 catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer. "And then what
 will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. The
 businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to
buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And
 then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. The
 businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's
 questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to
 work for you!" he said.
 
 "And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. The
businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can
build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all
 your employees catch fish for you!" Once again the fisherman asked,
 "And then what will my reward be?" The businessman was red with
 rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you
 can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living
 again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach,
 looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
 
 The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you
 think I'm doing right now?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 25, 2015, 06:10:38 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 25, 2015, 06:12:19 AM




                A duck walks into a bar. The duck asks, "Got any grapes?" Then the bartender says "Sorry. I cannot help you with that." Then the duck leaves.
                Then the next day the duck comes back. "Got any grapes?" "No, and if you ask that again, ill nail your feet to the floor!"
                The duck comes back again. "Got any nails?" "No." "Got any grapes?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jul 25, 2015, 07:31:25 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 26, 2015, 04:49:26 AM

Here are some Oxymoron's you guys might like

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22.Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas oxymoron: What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 26, 2015, 06:18:36 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 26, 2015, 06:39:43 AM



                A man has his car full of penguins. He drives past a policeman, but the policeman stops him. He says. "Hey, you! Yeah, you!
                You should take those penguins to the zoo!"
                The man does that.
                The next day in the same spot, the man still has the penguins. Once again he drives past the policeman. "Hey,
                I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
                "I did," replies the man. "We had so much fun that were going to the beach today!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jul 26, 2015, 07:25:20 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 27, 2015, 05:25:40 AM

A dog, a cat and a penis are sitting by a camp fire one night. The dog say "My life sucks, my master makes me
do my business on a fire hydrant". The cat says " I don't think so my master makes me go in a litter box". The penis outraged says "At least your master doesnt' put a bag over your head and make you do push ups untillyou throw up".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 27, 2015, 04:52:38 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 28, 2015, 04:31:27 AM


A Marine in Rio walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.



.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.     


The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"   
.
           http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OZ7KwrjEeNI/VBNwcRlBhFI/AAAAAAAARAY/HfGHidd5qGg/s1600/Girl-in-Bar1.jpg   (http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OZ7KwrjEeNI/VBNwcRlBhFI/AAAAAAAARAY/HfGHidd5qGg/s1600/Girl-in-Bar1.jpg)


No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it."     


The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"     


He says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."   


The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"   


"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."   


The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"   


The Marine smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."   


And that, my friends.......is    Confidence!

 

 



 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Jul 28, 2015, 07:53:08 AM
Smoooooth...   8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 28, 2015, 04:20:04 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 28, 2015, 04:38:06 PM
                                                Living with the Wolf Man

                 
      The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

      "Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

      "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

      "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you?
       Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

       At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

       Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 29, 2015, 04:15:15 AM


           ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 29, 2015, 04:15:38 AM


A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole  when a
 second golfer approached and asked if he could join  him.

 The first said that he usually played alone, but  agreed to the twosome.

 They were even after the first few  holes. The second guy said,
 "We're about evenly matched, how  about playing for five bucks a hole?"

 The first guy said  that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to
 the terms. 

 The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with  ease.As they
 were walking off number eighteen, the second guy  was busy counting his
 $80.00.

 He confessed that  he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked
 to pick on  suckers.

 The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish  Priest.

 The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to  return the money.

 The Priest said, "You won fair and  square and I was foolish to bet
 with you. You keep your  winnings."

 The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to  make it up to you?"

 The Priest said, "Well, you could come  to Mass on Sunday and make
 a donation.

 And, if  you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them. 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 29, 2015, 04:17:27 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 29, 2015, 04:35:54 PM


                                                                     The Blind Man



                    A blind man with an assistance dog was getting ready to cross the street. When the dog took him across he almost got ran over by the traffic     
                    and the cars where sliding everywhere to avoid hitting him. When he got to the other side, he took out a treat to give it to the dog.
                    A spectator who saw what happened couldn't believe his eyes. He ran over to the blind man and said, "Sir, why are you rewarding that dog,
                    he almost got you killed?"  The blind man replied, "I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his a**!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 29, 2015, 06:16:15 PM
 

                     :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 30, 2015, 04:14:39 AM

The six kinds of married sex

1. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period: you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage: you'll have sex anywhere,anytime, even in the kitchen on the table, etc.

3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" (This is also called oral sex by some.)

5. There is also a fifth kind: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your spouse screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

6. There is also Social Security Sex...that's when you get some once a month but it's not enough to live on
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 30, 2015, 03:32:45 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 31, 2015, 03:50:27 AM

Texan finally gets around to going fishing one morning. 

After a while, he runs out of worms. He spots a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth and frogs are good bass bait. He knows the snake can’t bite him with the frog in his mouth, so he reaches down, grabs him behind the head, takes the frog and puts it in his bait bucket.

Now the dilemma is how to release the snake without getting bit.

He grabs his bottle of Jack Daniels and pours a little whiskey in the snake’s mouth. The snake’s eyes roll back, and he goes limp. Texan releases him into the lake without incident and carries on with his fishing, using the frog as bait.

A little bit later, Texan feels a nudge on his foot. Looking down, he sees the damn snake again, this time with two frogs in his mouth!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 31, 2015, 03:58:42 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 01, 2015, 04:14:27 AM

There were two blondes who went deep into the woods
 searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close
 calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other
 and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't
 care whether it's decorated or not!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 01, 2015, 04:58:43 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: seags on Aug 01, 2015, 02:03:10 PM
There were two blondes who went deep into the woods
 searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close
 calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other
 and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't
 care whether it's decorated or not!"
I like that one, that would be something my sister would do.
   but why would you let a blonde have an axe?
   My sister has no idea how to make a pot of tea.
    Although she can make very good lasagna
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 02, 2015, 04:49:26 AM

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a
 creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm
 into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His
 arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish
 the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence
 the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can
 accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached
 his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 02, 2015, 01:09:38 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 02, 2015, 01:17:42 PM





                                                           The Chicken Farmer

                                  A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going
                                  to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man,
                                  "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

                                   A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby
                                   chickens." The co-op man complies.

                                   Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says,

                                   "Give me 500 baby chickens."

                                   "Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing
                                    well!" "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting
                                    them too deep or too far apart!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 03, 2015, 05:15:46 AM

A little girl wants to walk her dog, but her father says that she can't because the dog is in heat. After a moment's thought, he finally says, "Well, I guess, if we pour gas on the dog's rear end it will kill the scent." So he does. Half an hour later, the girl returns. The father says, "Where's the dog?" The girl replies,"She ran out of gas half a block down the street, and the neighbor's dog is pushing her home."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 03, 2015, 04:58:42 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 03, 2015, 05:17:41 PM
     





                                                Two neighbors are talking to each other.
                            First neighbor: Do you know that my dog is so smart, he waits for the newspaper to drop at the doorstep and then delivers it to me?
                            Second neighbor: Of course, I know that very well.
                            First neighbor: Really, well then, how?
                            Second neighbor: My dog came and told me.                                             
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Aug 03, 2015, 06:10:12 PM
I thought you were going to say "your dog brings it over after he has read it"...h2l
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 04, 2015, 03:34:43 AM


                Question: Why is 77 better than 69?

                 Answer: You get eight more.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 04, 2015, 05:26:55 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 04, 2015, 05:27:28 PM




                                Wittle Wabbit
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 05, 2015, 06:15:48 AM

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin
and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK. 
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love." 

The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ...they're choking my ducks!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 05, 2015, 05:45:35 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 06, 2015, 03:13:08 AM

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a
 well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he
 demanded.
 
 Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United
 States Congressman!"
 
 "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 06, 2015, 03:54:06 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 07, 2015, 04:19:53 AM

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there
 is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
 
 Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom
 Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
 
 So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door,
 and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and
 your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed,
 Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells
 Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
 
 "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss
 quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to
 Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the
 tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I
 was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's
 have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
 
 Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After
 they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who
 again implores him to name anyone else.
 
 "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland,
 and I've known the Pope a long time." Off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his
 boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says,
 "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell
 you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out
 on the balcony with the Pope."
 
 Bubba disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half
 an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. By the time Bubba
 returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by
 paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What
 happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the
 Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, " Who's that on
 the balcony with Bubba?"
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 07, 2015, 03:54:45 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 08, 2015, 05:33:28 AM
     

                                  The Bathtub Test
             During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine
             whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

            "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a
             teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
 
           "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket
            because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
 
          "No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
           bed near the window?"

           
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 08, 2015, 05:54:41 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 08, 2015, 06:02:58 AM




                                                         What goes black white black white.........?
                                                         A penguin rolling down a hill!

                                                         What's black and white and laughing?
                                                         The penguin who pushed him!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 08, 2015, 07:50:07 AM

             ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 09, 2015, 05:59:52 AM


(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/Hung%20over%20Cat.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/Hung%20over%20Cat.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 09, 2015, 07:03:15 AM
 ;D ;D   Nice ...
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 10, 2015, 05:44:39 AM

I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, "I love you".
She asked me, "Is that you or the beer talking"
I said, "It's me........I'm talking to the beer"!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 10, 2015, 04:37:14 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 11, 2015, 04:57:28 AM


Stupid Laws in the United States
 

 Alabama
 It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

California
 Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to
 try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

Connecticut
 You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.

 You are not allowed to cross the street on your hands.

Florida
 Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon
 owner.

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or
 she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

 If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be
 paid just as it would for a vehicle.

In Sarasota, it is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a
 swim suit.

 Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of a strapless gown.

 Illinois
 It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other
 domesticated animals kept as pets.

Indiana
 Bathing is prohibited during the winter.

 Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a
 public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.

Iowa
 Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

 Kentucky
 By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot
 hold onto the ground."

 It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

 Louisiana
 It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water
 pistol.

 Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault", while biting
 someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

 Massachusetts
 Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.

 Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely
 locked.

 An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special
 license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
 
In Boston
It's against the law to slurp your soup in a restaurant on a Sunday.

Texas
You could be arrested for cattle rustling, if you get caught walking down the street with wire cutter in your back pocket.

Nebraska
It is against the law to bring a whale in the state on a flat car.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 11, 2015, 02:56:31 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 12, 2015, 05:05:20 AM

You Know Your Not A kid Any More When...

 

 You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
 
 You can live without sex but not without glasses.
 
 Your back goes out more than you do.
 
 You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
 
 You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
 
 You are proud of your lawnmower.
 
 Your best friend is dating someone half his age...and isn't breaking any laws.
 
 You call Olan Mills before they call you.
 
 Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
 
 You sing along with the elevator music.
 
 You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
 
 You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
 
 You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
 
 You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
 
 People call at 9:00 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
 
 You have a dream about prunes.
 
 You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"
 
 You send money to PBS.
 
 You still buy records, and you think a CD is a certificate of deposit.
 
 The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of you pants.
 
 You take a metal detector to the beach.
 
 You wear black socks with sandals.
 
 You know what the word "equity" means.
 
 You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
 
 Your ears are hairer than your head.
 
 You talk about "good grass", and you're referring to someone's lawn.
 
 You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
 
 You got cable for the weather channel.
 
 You can go bowling without drinking.
 
 You have a party, and the neighbors don't even realize it.
 
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 12, 2015, 06:21:03 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 13, 2015, 04:09:34 AM


Man VS. Woman
 

 Success:
 A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
 A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 
The Morning:
 Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
 Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
Money Management:
 A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
 A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't.
 
Happiness:
 To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
 To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand
 her at all.
 
Marriage Expectations:
 A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
 A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
 
Marriage Decisions:
 Men marry because they are tired.
 Women marry because they are curious.
 Both are disappointed.
 
Marriage and the Future:
 A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
 A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
Memories:
 A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry
 her. A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.
 
Understanding Women:
 There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before
 marriage and after marriage.
 
What a Woman Wants:
 Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy:
 One is to let her think she is having her own way.
 The other is to let her have it.
 
Longevity:
 Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
 willing to die.
 
Mistakes:
 Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people
 remembering the same thing.
 
The Battle:
 A woman always has the last word in any argument.
 Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 13, 2015, 05:45:18 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 13, 2015, 05:51:41 PM


                 

   



                                              I think that I'm a chicken

                                   Panda Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

                                         Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

                                 Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

                                         Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 14, 2015, 03:49:24 AM



Sad, But As I Get Older, I Think Differently
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/Hooters.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/Hooters.jpg.html)

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and have some hot Wings and ice tea.
After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators".
I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot.



 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 14, 2015, 04:07:22 AM
 :o   Nice but the window needs cleaning ...
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 14, 2015, 04:46:21 AM
:o   Nice but the window needs cleaning ...
             You must be OLD if you saw the windows! LOL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Aug 14, 2015, 05:14:58 AM
I think he means the window on his computer, from him pressing his face up to it...h2l
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Aug 14, 2015, 06:04:06 AM
I think he means the window on his computer, from him pressing his face up to it...h2l


           ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 14, 2015, 05:19:48 PM
I think he means the window on his computer, from him pressing his face up to it...h2l
   Your right hoping no one would notice   :P :P :P :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 15, 2015, 06:26:18 AM

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 15, 2015, 06:36:44 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 15, 2015, 06:48:53 AM


                                        Nasty Little Boy

                     
 A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a squirrel in the other.
                       "Now Listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do                   
                        to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"
                       "In that case," said the boy. "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"
















Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 15, 2015, 06:54:56 AM


                    ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 15, 2015, 07:16:10 AM
L like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 16, 2015, 04:02:43 AM

A guy meets a gal in a bar and asks, "May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good." 

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" 

"Okay. But it won't do you any good." 

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good." 

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife." 

She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 16, 2015, 05:10:23 AM

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/11709235_10153169444968509_3626600271399095550_n.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/11709235_10153169444968509_3626600271399095550_n.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 16, 2015, 06:41:33 AM
 ;D ;D  Nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Aug 16, 2015, 06:53:34 AM
Most of them should cover up some more....       :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mookie on Aug 16, 2015, 07:03:03 AM
Most of them should cover up some more....       :o
Why  :o :o :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Aug 16, 2015, 08:17:19 AM
Most of them should cover up some more....       :o


 ???
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Aug 16, 2015, 03:32:31 PM
Good size does..   ;D ;D 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 16, 2015, 04:34:30 PM


           They need a little more of a tan for me    :o   :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 17, 2015, 05:14:56 AM


Stupid Laws In the United States
 

 Nebraska
 A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a
 church service.

 New Mexico
 Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.

 New York
 A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically
 prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking
 "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this
 magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a
 "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside
 for a stroll.

 North Dakota
 Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

 Ohio
 Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

 Oklahoma
 Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.

 Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by
 the state.

 Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in
 groups of three or more on private property.

Pennsylvania
 A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust
 under a rug in a dwelling.

 No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.

 Texas
 A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first
 obtaining a special five-dollar permit.

 It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

 Vermont
 Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each
 week - on Saturday night.

 Washington
 All lollipops are banned.

 A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal
 intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he
 is entering the town."

 West Virginia
 No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 17, 2015, 05:27:48 PM
 ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 18, 2015, 03:22:14 AM


Go Figure!
 

 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where
 a train stops. On my desk I have a work station. GO FIGURE!
 *
 If Fedex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP
 *
 If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool
 came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
 *
 Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
 *
 What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
 men?
 *
 I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
 husbands on beer cans.
 *
 I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
 whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me--they
 were cramming for their finals.
 *
 I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little
 tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use.
 Toothpicks?
 *
 Why do they put up pictures of criminals in the post office?
 What are we supposed to do, write to these men? Why don't
 they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the
 mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 18, 2015, 03:54:46 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 18, 2015, 03:57:56 AM




                     
Porridge

It’s a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge!” he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars. Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, “For Goodness sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven’t made the porridge yet!”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 18, 2015, 04:17:01 AM

              ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 19, 2015, 03:36:34 AM

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. 
"That's cool," says Bobby. 

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." 

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby--so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, Bobby's eyes light up at that. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. 

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 19, 2015, 04:06:19 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 19, 2015, 04:11:35 AM




       Frog’s Dream

A small frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is gonna meet a young girl.
The teller tells him, “Yes, you are.”
The frog replies, “Where? In a bar or at a party?”
The teller says, “In biology class!”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 19, 2015, 04:24:07 AM
 

                        ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 20, 2015, 03:26:47 AM

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that could service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" 
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse, though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Randy strutted into the henhouse and set to work. 

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself!" But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. 

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy. 

The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you, my little buddy." 

"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 20, 2015, 05:34:16 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 20, 2015, 05:44:16 PM
                               
                                                   The two  Duck  Hunters

                               Two guys were out hunting, but they werent getting any ducks.
                               “What do you think the problem is?” one man asked his companion.
                               “I dunno,” came the reply, “Maybe we arent throwing the dog up high enough.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 20, 2015, 06:53:21 PM


                     ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 21, 2015, 05:30:16 AM



WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:

 Your last name stays put.
 The garage is all yours.
 Wedding plans take care of themselves.
 Chocolate is just another snack.
 You can be President.
 You can never be pregnant.
 You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
 You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
 Car mechanics tell you the truth.
 The world is your urinal.
 You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
 You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
 Same work, more pay.
 Wrinkles add character.
 Wedding dress: $5000. Tux rental: $100.
 People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
 New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
 One mood all the time.
 Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
 You know stuff about tanks.
 A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
 You can open all your own jars.
 You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
 If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
 Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
 Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
 You almost never have strap problems in public.
 You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
 Everything on your face stays its original color.
 The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
 You only have to shave your face and neck.
 You can play with toys all your life.
 One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
 You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
 You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
 You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
 You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
 No wonder men are happier.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 21, 2015, 04:50:38 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 21, 2015, 05:31:07 PM



                             
                                                                     The Law of the Jungle

                  Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked both hungry and fast.
                   One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes.

                  His friend looked at him. ”Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?”

                 ”I don’t have to run faster than that tiger,” his friend replied. ”I just have to run faster than you.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 22, 2015, 05:38:48 AM

Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.
 Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love.
 Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?"
 Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 22, 2015, 07:01:11 AM






A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish.

The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen. The farmer mentioned the situation to the game warden. The warden then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish.

The warden dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the warden in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot.

The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. The warden said, "I'm going to have to place you under arrest--I am a game warden and you are fishing illegally!"

The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the warden. The stranger then said, "Are you gonna talk or fish?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 23, 2015, 05:47:26 AM

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
 He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
 She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 23, 2015, 06:53:28 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 24, 2015, 03:45:21 AM

what does Viagra and Disneyland have in common.??
 they both make you stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 24, 2015, 03:57:23 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 24, 2015, 04:14:34 AM
 


                                                     
                                   I didn’t

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, “Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood.”

“We’re new here,” says the second one. “It’s dark out, and we don’t know where to look. We’d better wait until the other bats go with us.”

The first bat replies, “Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere.” He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, “Where did you get the blood?”

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, “See that black building over there?”

“Yes,” the other bat answers.

“Well,” says the first bat, “I didn’t.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 24, 2015, 04:23:12 AM

               ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 24, 2015, 03:08:24 PM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 25, 2015, 04:06:40 AM

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/firsttime.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/firsttime.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 25, 2015, 07:17:17 AM
I like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 25, 2015, 05:25:04 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 26, 2015, 05:35:21 PM




                                       
                                        Time Off

Two men working in a factory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.

“How are you going to do that?”

“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied.”I’m a light bulb.”

“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.

“Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.

“I can’t work in the dark,” he said.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 27, 2015, 03:12:29 AM





The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out onto the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.   

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?"


                                           
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 27, 2015, 04:28:30 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 27, 2015, 04:00:48 PM



                           
                                                      Computers

                      A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman:
                      “I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computerscreen.”

                      The surprised salesman replies: “But, madam, computers do not have curtains…. ”

                      And the blonde said: “Helloooo………….I’ve got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 27, 2015, 04:12:23 PM


                  :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Hillbilly75 on Aug 27, 2015, 07:35:29 PM
Funny stuff.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 28, 2015, 04:54:31 AM
"Why I'm divorced." Written by a woman. Enjoy!....
 
That morning.  I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband
would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,'  and possibly have a
small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone  'Happy Birthday.’

I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss, Rick, said, 'Good
morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little
better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said,
'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what
do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He
chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two
martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'It's such a beautiful
day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you
don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came
out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband , my
kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.'


And I just sat there....

on the couch....

 naked.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 28, 2015, 07:19:27 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 28, 2015, 03:28:33 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: buckblaster on Aug 28, 2015, 03:40:25 PM
Haha now that's funny. I like the rooster joke that's hilarious
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 28, 2015, 04:33:06 PM
   
                             
                                                        How To Get A Raise

A boss tells his new employee, “I’ll give you 8 bucks an hour starting today and in three months, I’ll raise it to 10 bucks an hour.
So when would you like to start?”

“In 3 months.”


                       
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 28, 2015, 05:51:31 PM
nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 29, 2015, 05:48:11 AM

YO MAMA IS SO FAT.... ... When she hauls ass she has to make two trips. ... When she dances she makes the band skip. ... When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live. ... She puts mayonnaise on aspirin. ... Her ass has its own congressman. ... Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard. ... When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts. ... Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph. ... Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side." ... The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs. ... all the restaurants in town have signs that say "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama" ... when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton. ... when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down. ... she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth. ... she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her. ... when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall. ... she could sell shade. ... when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.. ... people jog around her for exercise. ... I ran around her twice and got lost. ... she gets runs in her jeans. ... her blood type is Ragu. ... when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate. ... if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it! ... she has to put her belt on with a boomerang. ... when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party. ... she can't even jump to a conclusion. ... she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. ... her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 29, 2015, 06:56:18 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 29, 2015, 06:59:02 AM




                                       
                                                      Honeymoon

              An elderly couple decided to celebrate their 50th anniversary in the same hotel and city where they spent their honeymoon.
              Before the act, he excused himself and went to loo and after a while came out laughing loudly.
             ”On our first night,” the woman said, “you did the same thing and came out laughing. At the time,
             I was too embarrassed to ask what you were laughing about.
             Can you explain?”
             ”On that night while urinating, I made the roof wet. Today my shoes are wet.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 29, 2015, 07:47:56 AM


                :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 30, 2015, 04:59:07 AM

A researcher said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 30, 2015, 06:49:14 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Aug 30, 2015, 12:05:58 PM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 31, 2015, 07:00:40 AM

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"*

Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.  Your friend over there, is also my

son, that's confidential."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 31, 2015, 05:01:22 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 31, 2015, 05:15:20 PM




                             
                                                         Pig In A Bar

                                         
                     A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says,
                     “Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?”
                     Then the lady answered, “Excuse me, I think this is a goose.”

                     And the bartender says, “Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 01, 2015, 03:09:10 AM


                 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 01, 2015, 03:09:41 AM

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath.  Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied. 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 01, 2015, 03:58:48 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 01, 2015, 04:06:06 AM

                           During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a
                          sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked.
                          "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

                "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice.
                 And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the
                 bigger say,
                "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 01, 2015, 04:11:17 AM


                           :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 02, 2015, 03:56:23 AM

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human
 Resources Person asked a young Engineer
 fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were
 you looking for?"
 
 The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000
 a year, depending on the benefits package."
 
 The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a
 package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full
 medical and dental, a company matching retirement
 fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car
 leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"
 
 The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 02, 2015, 04:10:52 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 03, 2015, 05:49:11 AM

During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid."

The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur, milk man and the gardener."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Sep 03, 2015, 02:12:34 PM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 03, 2015, 05:55:14 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 05, 2015, 03:15:55 AM

When the minister agreed to marry the young couple in his church, he stipulated that they remain abstinent during their engagement. One week before the wedding, he met with them and asked, "Have you remained chaste, as I counseled you?"
 "I'm afraid not Reverend."
 "Oh, dear. What happened?"
 "Well, last week my fiancee was reaching for a box of light bulbs on a high shelf, and she dropped it. When she stooped to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and -- suffice it to say -- we lost all control right there."
 "Well, I'm sorry, my son, but I can't marry you in this church."
 "Yeah, that's what we figured," the young man sighed. "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 05, 2015, 06:10:05 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 05, 2015, 06:34:47 AM


                                          Meals on Wheels

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, ‘You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.’

The cats says, ‘Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.’ God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, ‘All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.’ God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

‘How are you doing? Are you happy here?’

The cat yawns and stretches and says, “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 05, 2015, 09:19:29 AM
 

                 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: peddler on Sep 05, 2015, 12:09:26 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 06, 2015, 05:03:04 AM

Paddy murphy sees a fat woman at the bar and saunters upto her.

"Excuse me sweetheart, have you got a pen?"

Blushing, the woman softly replies.....

"Yes"

Paddy replied.....

"Well i'd get back to it before the farmer notices you're missing!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 06, 2015, 06:08:38 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 06, 2015, 06:21:18 AM

                   

                     There were two retired men. One of the men said
                     "I feel like a newborn baby," The other man asked why.
                     The man said,
                    " I have no hair, no teeth, and I just peed in my pants.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 07, 2015, 05:39:05 AM

A Lion was walking through the jungle and met a Zebra. "Do you know who the king of the jungle is?" he asked the Zebra. "You are the king of the jungle," replied the Zebra. 
The Lion kept walking and came upon a Gorilla. The Lion roared and said, "Gorilla, do you know who the king of the jungle is?" The Gorilla said, "Lion, you are the king of the jungle." 

Next the Lion met an Elephant. He asked the Elephant if he knew who the king of the jungle was. Without ado, the Elephant reached down with his trunk, grabbed the Lion by the tail, and slammed him up against the nearest tree. 

The Lion, dazed, got to his feet and said, "Geez, you don't have to get mad just because you didn't know the answer."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 07, 2015, 06:49:11 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 07, 2015, 06:54:18 AM


                       
                                           3 Goats and Bubbles

There were four goats who all died on the same day and went up to the Pearly Gates. To get into Heaven, they had to tell their name and the last thing they did on Earth.

Well, the first goat walked up and said, “My name is Baa, and I blew bubbles,” so he was told he could go on in.

Then the next goat came up and said, “My name is Baa Baa, and I blew bubbles,” so he was told he too could go on in.

Then the third goat came up and said, “My name is Baa Baa Baa, and I blew bubbles.” Annoyed now, the gatekeeper said he could go on in.

Finally, the last goat walked up, and the Gatekeeper said, “Let me guess. Your name is Baa Baa Baa Baa, and you blew bubbles.”

And the goat said, “No, my name is Bubbles and I…”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 07, 2015, 04:44:55 PM


                    :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 08, 2015, 05:32:22 AM

 (http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/2holer.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/2holer.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: peddler on Sep 08, 2015, 05:51:52 AM
 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 09, 2015, 04:08:06 AM

The latest sex study has determined that the most often used sexual postion for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 09, 2015, 04:17:50 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: peddler on Sep 09, 2015, 05:47:17 AM
Now that's funny!

😎
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 10, 2015, 05:31:13 AM

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

"Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 10, 2015, 03:54:54 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 10, 2015, 04:08:18 PM




                              (http://i1210.photobucket.com/albums/cc419/NEK-Sportsmen/hilarious-cartoons_zpsah17tz9x.jpg) (http://s1210.photobucket.com/user/NEK-Sportsmen/media/hilarious-cartoons_zpsah17tz9x.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 11, 2015, 05:06:49 AM

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
 Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
 After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
 The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
 The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
 The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
 The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 12, 2015, 06:04:41 AM

After a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a
 man and his wife decide that the only way to save their marriage
 is to try therapy.
 
 When they arrived at the therapist's office, the therapist jumped right
 in "what seems to be the problem?"

 Immediately , the husband looked down without anything to say and the
 wife started talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within her
 husband.
 
 After 15 minutes, the therapist went over to her, picked her up and kissed
 her passionately. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
 
 He looked at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what just
 happened. The therapist said "your wife NEEDS that at least 2 times
a week!"
 
 The husband scratched his head and said, "I can have her here on
 Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 13, 2015, 05:39:01 AM

A guy asked a girl at the library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you ?"

 The girl answered in an extra loud voice, "I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU !!!"

 All of the people in the library started staring at the guy & he was VERY embarrassed.

 After a couple of minutes, the girl quietly walked to the guy's table and told him, "I study Psychology and I know what a man is thinking. Let me guess, you were embarrassed ?"

The guy responded with an equally loud voice, "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT! THAT'S TOO MUCH !!!"

And again all the people in the library looked at them in shock. The guy then leaned over and whispered to her, "I study Law and I know how to make people look guilty !!!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 13, 2015, 03:12:05 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 14, 2015, 04:26:32 AM

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is shouting through the letterbox at the front door, which one do you let in first?

The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 14, 2015, 04:58:13 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 22, 2015, 04:36:05 AM

A businessman walks into a bank in New York City
 and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going
 to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
 borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will
 need some kind of security for such a loan. So the
 businessman hands over the keys to a BMW
 parked on the street in front of the bank.
 
 Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept
 the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives
 the BMW into the bank's underground garage and
 parks it there.
 
 Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays
 the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
 The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have
 had your business, and this transaction has worked
 out very, nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
 While you were away, we checked you out and found
 that you are a multimillionaire. Why would you bother
 to borrow $5,000? "

The businessman replied, "Where else in New York
 can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Sep 22, 2015, 08:42:56 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 22, 2015, 04:42:31 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 23, 2015, 04:53:23 AM

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck .

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads: 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: 'If you catch me you can have me.'

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20lb as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone

'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft hunk standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: 'I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 24, 2015, 04:30:05 AM

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'


So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.


One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.


After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'


He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I
told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'


So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.


After two hundred and seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.


He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'


'No,' she said, 'I used to be a popular, call girl in venice'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 24, 2015, 05:03:59 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 25, 2015, 03:55:57 AM

A Polish immigrant goes into the Specsavers for an eye test.

The optician shows him a card with C Z I W N O S T A C Z

"Do you know what that is?"

"I should do, its my brother!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 25, 2015, 03:57:20 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 26, 2015, 03:31:08 AM

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 26, 2015, 05:45:37 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 26, 2015, 05:47:30 AM
                                       Little Red Riding Hood



                  Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a tree log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away! Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you friggin' leave me alone? I'm trying to take a s**t!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 26, 2015, 07:44:08 AM


                    :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 27, 2015, 04:24:28 AM

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

 

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.  He told them to go away and let him get some sleep.  However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.  Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.  Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

 

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

 

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

 

"Good," said the first bat tiredly, “Because I didn't!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 27, 2015, 07:08:08 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 27, 2015, 07:09:37 AM
                                              Bullwinkle


           In Portland, Maine a 500 pound moose jumped off an overpass on route I-95, falling 20 feet to it's death.
           Witnesses say they overheard the moose scream before jumping, "Hey Rocky, watch me fly over this guardrail!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 27, 2015, 08:30:01 AM


                 ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 28, 2015, 02:31:59 AM

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being
 greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it
 is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"
 
 To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven.
 But you must do one more thing before you can enter."
 
 The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do
 to pass through the gates.
 
 "Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
 
 "What word?" she asked.
 
 "Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
 
 The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.
 L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven,
 and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few
 minutes while he went to the bathroom. "I'd be honored," she said, "but
 what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?" St. Peter
 reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers
 to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
 
 So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful
 angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the
 gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
 
 "What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
 
 Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I
 left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make
 it to Heaven?"

To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word
 first."

"What word?" he asked.
 
 The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 28, 2015, 03:25:31 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: peddler on Sep 28, 2015, 02:57:14 PM
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 28, 2015, 03:06:40 PM


                 ::) Oh, That's bad! LOL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 28, 2015, 06:28:55 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Sep 28, 2015, 07:55:23 PM
A couple from Tennessee had 9 children. One day the husband goes to the family doctor and tells him he wants a vasectomy.  The doctor, somewhat surprised, asks the man why after nine children had he decided now to have a vasectomy.
   "Well," the Tennessean answered, "The wife and I saw on the TV the other night that one in ten children born in the U.S. today is Mexican.  Neither one of us speaks Spanish.  We just don't wanna take the chance of havin a baby that can't understand us."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 29, 2015, 01:15:13 AM


           Good One fishachine, ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 29, 2015, 03:27:05 AM

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 29, 2015, 03:59:01 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Sep 29, 2015, 07:17:55 AM
Nice.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 30, 2015, 03:13:36 AM

The teacher says to her class of young kids.....

'Human beings are the only animals that stutter or stammer,' she says...

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my cat and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, started spitting and went......
Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'S%&T!', the Rottweiler killed her!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 30, 2015, 03:47:27 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 01, 2015, 05:16:22 AM

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 02, 2015, 05:33:24 AM

Lovemaking Tips for Seniors:

• Put bifocals on. Double-check that you're with the right partner.
•  Set the alarm on your clock for 2 minutes. . . in case you doze off in the middle.
•  Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!
•  Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin. . . just in case.
•  Write your partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 02, 2015, 03:35:59 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 03, 2015, 04:47:58 AM

A Greek priest is driving down to New York to see a show,
 and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol
 on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and
 asks, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

The minister replies, "Just water."

The trooper asks, "Then, why do I smell wine?"

The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "Good Lord, He's
 done it again!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 03, 2015, 06:20:08 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 03, 2015, 07:08:38 PM

      Hey Chuck, Look at your P\personal messages! Thanks Jeff
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 04, 2015, 04:02:49 AM

Some birds are referred to have symbols:

  The owl is wisdom

  The Eagle is strength

  The Sparrow is nobility

  The Dove is love

  So what bird would be the symbol for True Love


     Get ready for it




  The Swallow 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 05, 2015, 03:50:22 AM
 ;D          I will give you a call  , Been busy  busy
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 05, 2015, 04:51:26 AM

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary
 for her recently deceased husband is published.
The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word
 minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read,
 'Fred Brown died. Golf clubs for sale."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 05, 2015, 05:36:49 PM
 :D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 06, 2015, 05:02:03 AM

Why are women like snow flakes?

They are all beautiful. They are all different. They can all be cold as ice. But they'll all melt when you hold them gently.

Why is a man like a snow fall?

You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 06, 2015, 04:34:06 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 07, 2015, 03:55:14 AM

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady #1: What's that?

Lady #2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady #1: Where did you get it?

Lady #2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady #1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady #1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 07, 2015, 03:57:04 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 08, 2015, 05:41:56 AM

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" asks the first man.

"Oh, nothing special," replies the second. "I'm only having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex? What the heck is that?" asks the first man incredulously.

"Oh, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mooseslayer71 on Oct 08, 2015, 09:34:37 AM
30-30 you are a wealth of knowledge!! 8) ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 08, 2015, 03:25:55 PM
 ;D  hehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 09, 2015, 02:05:09 AM

Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

 "We don't have any." replied the first woman.

 "Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.

 "But officer," replied the second girl, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

 The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.

 As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/12141525_10203854714808616_3119796619840735803_n.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/12141525_10203854714808616_3119796619840735803_n.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 09, 2015, 04:06:15 AM



             ;D  What river is that ?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 09, 2015, 01:41:29 PM

                                                         Trophy Blonde


                                            Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?

                                             A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 10, 2015, 05:19:25 AM


THOUGHTS
 
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
 
I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
 
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
 
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
 
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
 
A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it  lives for 150 years.
 
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
 
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
 
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

 


1.    I started out with nothing, and I still have most of  it.
 
2.    My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
 
3.    I  finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
 
4.    Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
 
5.    Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
 
6.    If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?
 
7.    It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
 
8.    Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant; the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
9.    I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
 
10.  Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
 
11.  Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
 
12.  It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
 
13.  The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
 
14.  If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
 
15.  When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
 
16.  It's not hard to meet expenses.... they're everywhere.
 
17.  The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
 
18.  These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter, I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm "here after".
 
19.  Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
 
20.  HAVE  I POSTED THIS BEFORE!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 10, 2015, 06:16:44 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 11, 2015, 02:58:32 AM

Thought For The Day  -  There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and erections and no recollection of what to do with them!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 11, 2015, 02:39:42 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Cargo on Oct 11, 2015, 04:47:02 PM
30/30 I like "thoughts" the truth hurts!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 12, 2015, 05:55:11 AM

Oldtimer: Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 12, 2015, 06:07:46 AM
   
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WTi4qhJ4pY)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 12, 2015, 09:19:31 AM

           I think they drank to much Keystone! LOL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 12, 2015, 04:25:57 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Oct 12, 2015, 05:50:29 PM
Haha! Wish I had a goodbye squirrel.  ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 13, 2015, 02:46:02 AM

Tony wakes up at home with a HUGE hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Tony looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

He goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Tony asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Tony asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone. . . I'm married!'"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 13, 2015, 03:46:06 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 14, 2015, 04:27:36 AM


 Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell
 phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
 speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
 WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
 MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
 leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
 MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
 saw the new 2016 models. I saw one I really liked."
 MAN: "How much?"
 WOMAN: "$60,000"
 MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we
 wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
 MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just
 offer $900,000."
 WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
 MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking
 at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this
 phone belongs to?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 14, 2015, 07:16:03 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Cargo on Oct 14, 2015, 07:17:43 AM
Good One! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 14, 2015, 05:21:15 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 15, 2015, 02:55:17 AM

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezed, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently in her seat.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes passed.

The woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently in her seat.

The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time.

Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.

The man had finally had all he could handle. He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"

The woman replied, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, was feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 15, 2015, 03:13:55 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 15, 2015, 03:20:24 AM


 The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly." "OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?" "No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does." The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago." "You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge. "Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Cargo on Oct 15, 2015, 06:01:02 AM
GMH  I have a couple of friends I could use that one on. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 15, 2015, 07:03:02 AM


                   Good one Chucky! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 15, 2015, 07:48:44 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: seags on Oct 15, 2015, 01:44:31 PM

 The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly." "OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?" "No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does." The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago." "You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge. "Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
That is one of the best one's; along with the train one with the little boy and his mouth
Yep I even mailed that one to dad; he is a Big Big time watching the Bears as with mom.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 16, 2015, 03:58:03 AM

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting
 into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to
 get into Heaven?"

 The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and
 out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St.
Peter says 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 16, 2015, 04:14:28 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 17, 2015, 05:01:53 AM

A man is watching football on TV and flicks through the other channels at half-time and finds a porn film with a couple enjoying really good sex.

He says to his wife " I don't know whether to watch this or the game"

She says " For god's sake watch this..........you already know how to play football"....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 17, 2015, 05:20:45 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 18, 2015, 04:15:23 AM

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "It's obvious that men enjoy sex more than women. Why else do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove a thing," countered the woman. "Think of it this way: when you have an itchy ear and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull your finger out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 19, 2015, 03:05:03 AM
haha    ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 19, 2015, 03:36:41 AM

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 19, 2015, 06:54:29 AM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 19, 2015, 05:05:04 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 20, 2015, 05:01:24 AM

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the Green Grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 20, 2015, 07:51:47 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Cargo on Oct 20, 2015, 08:32:46 AM
good one 30-30
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 20, 2015, 04:36:44 PM


           ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 21, 2015, 03:18:47 AM

A farmer was sitting at the table while his wife was preparing dinner.

His wife dropped a spoon and bent over to pick it up. As she bent over the farmer said, "Honey, your butt is as big as a combine."

The wife picks up the spoon and continues cooking with no comment to her husband.

As she put the dinner on the table she dropped the pepper shaker on the floor.

While she was bent over picking it up the farmer said, "Honey I take that back. Your butt is as big as two combines!"

The wife picks up the pepper, sets it on t he table and begins eating with no comment to her husband.

Later on that night after the couple had gone to bed the farmer started feeling a little frisky. As he cuddled up to his wife he noticed that there was no response on her end. He tapped his wife on the shoulder and asked her what was wrong.

She replied, "Do you really think that I am going to fire up $300,000 dollars worth of machinery for one little corn cob?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 21, 2015, 03:39:47 AM
Nice  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 21, 2015, 08:24:50 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 22, 2015, 02:43:37 AM

Maude and Owen, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Owen asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening. Afterwards, Owen asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Owen for a most enjoyable roll in the feathers.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in private thoughts.

Owen was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have removed my pantyhose."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 22, 2015, 03:45:42 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 23, 2015, 02:41:59 AM

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex". "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school"

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men, the dad answers. Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.

"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: centerpinjosh on Oct 23, 2015, 08:54:07 AM
 ;D that's awesome
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 23, 2015, 04:40:47 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 24, 2015, 04:26:23 AM

If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example:

1. Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

2. Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but it can wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

3. Tire -- Male, because it goes bald, and often it's over-inflated.

4. Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it -- and, of course, there's the hot air part.

5. Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.

6. Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7. Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.

8. Hourglass -- Female, because, over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9. Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10. Remote Control -- Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider: it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 25, 2015, 02:38:54 AM

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist asked "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 25, 2015, 07:37:13 AM
nice one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 25, 2015, 08:10:17 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 26, 2015, 04:37:03 AM

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and he sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and this time pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

"Where on earth did you get him?" Says the bartender.

The redneck responded by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke, then a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one w ish ... each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender got real excited. Without hesitating he said, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they kept coming.

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"I know" says the man "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 26, 2015, 05:42:46 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Cargo on Oct 27, 2015, 06:54:52 AM
Funny ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 27, 2015, 01:22:14 PM


(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/loverboy.gif) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/loverboy.gif.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 27, 2015, 02:50:03 PM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 27, 2015, 05:40:48 PM
hahaha
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 28, 2015, 03:15:21 AM

Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work!

One evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished; something was up.

It turned out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 28, 2015, 03:52:56 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 29, 2015, 02:30:50 AM

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 29, 2015, 03:15:59 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 30, 2015, 04:14:39 AM

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 30, 2015, 07:52:30 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 30, 2015, 03:44:11 PM
 

    ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 31, 2015, 03:22:37 AM

A very old lady in a nursing home suddenly burst into the room. Holding out her tightly clinched fist, she exclaimed, "If anybody can tell me what I have in my hand, they can have sex with me."

One old guy called out, "An elephant?"

She winked at him and said, "Close enough."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 31, 2015, 06:16:12 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Oct 31, 2015, 07:05:35 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 01, 2015, 05:16:58 AM

A man walks into the dentist office. After the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the dentist's arm and says, "No way! I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!!!". So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas!!!"

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water. "Here, he says. Take this pill." The man asks, "What is it?" The dentist replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?"

"No," replied the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang onto while I pull your tooth."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 01, 2015, 05:49:50 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 01, 2015, 06:02:17 AM



                              A baby harp seal was crawling around the rocky shores out in the open.
                             
                              A greenpeace person ran over to it and said, "Don't you know there are evil men out here to kill you and take your skin?

                              Why are you out here in the open?"

                              The baby seal replied, "Beats me!"




                                   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 02, 2015, 05:34:45 AM

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 02, 2015, 09:24:16 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 02, 2015, 04:05:02 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 03, 2015, 03:37:03 AM

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one
 turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be
 so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as
 kids...I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of that law firm."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer someone to
 unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the poop
 out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin'
 any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the poop
 out of a lawyer, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 03, 2015, 07:40:11 AM
n ice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 03, 2015, 05:20:08 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 04, 2015, 04:09:03 AM

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
 One day while they were walking past the hospital
 swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
 He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly
 jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
 Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic
 act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
 hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news, he said, "Mary, I have
 good news and bad news. The good news is you're being
 discharged because - since you were able to jump in and
 save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your
 senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung
 himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry,
 but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 04, 2015, 04:07:13 PM


            ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 05, 2015, 03:45:34 AM

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. "Mom," said the little boy, "what are all those women doing?

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them are cab drivers," she replied.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 05, 2015, 04:08:32 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 06, 2015, 05:00:31 AM

Why chicks should avoid a girls night after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh s**t!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 06, 2015, 09:16:17 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 06, 2015, 03:44:27 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 08, 2015, 05:02:40 PM

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would
 stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand
 below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character
would plunge through.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill,
 another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor
 announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the
 actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging
 on the rope could make him descend.

One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!".

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 08, 2015, 05:54:36 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 09, 2015, 04:56:33 AM

                    Out Of The Mouths Of Babes!

     
 The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in
 class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28
 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and
 the Cartoon Network!"
*

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son
 ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a
 seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him? " the son
 asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a
 moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

*
 
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow
 up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor
 replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest
 preachers we've ever had."

*
 
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their
 six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
 "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear
 Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said,
 "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 10, 2015, 03:45:07 AM


You know you're a Rednck when
 

 You think a subdivision is part of a math problem..
You've bathed with flea and tick soap..

You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog..

Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell..

You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture..

You took a fishing pole to Sea World..

You go to the stock car races and don't need a program..

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold..

You have a rag for a gas cap..

Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas
 dinner..

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does..

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean..

You can spit without opening your mouth..

You consider your license plate personalized because your father
 made it.
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 10, 2015, 05:05:03 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 11, 2015, 04:20:36 AM

(How to talk about men and still be politically correct.)
 
He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
 FACILITY.
*
 He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
*
 He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
*
 He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
*
 He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Cargo on Nov 11, 2015, 10:42:27 AM
Funny stuff :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 11, 2015, 05:42:20 PM
 ;D  hahaha
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 12, 2015, 03:50:56 AM

                              Two hunters


                         Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
             "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction.
         Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other,
                     "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.




Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 12, 2015, 05:17:22 AM
nice one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 13, 2015, 03:35:55 AM


                Deer Meat

  A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
     
 Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother        'Don't eat it, it's an asshole..


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 13, 2015, 06:58:48 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 14, 2015, 03:43:55 AM

                   Two  Lawyers

     Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a pair of tracks. They stopped and examined the tracks closely.
     The first lawyer announced, "Those are deer tracks. It's deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our prey.
     " The second lawyer responded,"Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season. If we follow your advice, we'll waste the day.
     " Each attorney believed himself to be the superior woodsman, and they both bitterly stuck to their guns.

     They were still arguing when the train hit them.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 14, 2015, 06:42:25 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 15, 2015, 03:36:48 AM
                 
                                    Nasty little Boy

                     A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a squirrel in the other.
                     
                    "Now Listen here," the policeman said,
 
                   "Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you" "In that case," said the boy.

                    "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 16, 2015, 03:44:24 AM


                 Bartender A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. Barman says "Worry we don't serve pigs in here,
                 " The lady says "Its not a pig its a duck" The barman says
                 "I am talking to the duck."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 17, 2015, 03:57:44 AM
                 
   
                                       Grocery  Store

                               A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
                               She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?
                               " The stock boy replied "No they're dead."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 17, 2015, 07:24:20 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 18, 2015, 03:54:22 AM

                                                                     Blonde Thanksgiving

             
                                             It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family.
                                             Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone.
                                             The next day, her mother called to see how everything went. "Oh, mother,
                                             I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!
                                            " said the daughter. "Did it not taste good?" her mother asked. "I don't know,
                                                         " the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 20, 2015, 03:35:19 AM
                                         

                                          The chicken and the egg are laying in bed.
                               The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face,
                                    While the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed.
                                 
                                    The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 21, 2015, 03:47:12 AM


        Two Hunters

 Two hunters decide to go moose hunting in Canada. They hire an airplane to drop them off in a remote region.
The pilot drops them off and tells them, "I`ll be back in one week. No more than one moose - got it?
" One week passes, and the pilot returns. The hunters have two moose. The pilot says,
 "Hey, I told you guys no more than one moose." One of the hunters replies,
 "Look the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a `big` tip to take both moose out.
" The three of them argue for several minutes more. The pilot gives up and agrees to take both moose.
 Well, they load up the moose and fire up the plane. The plane shudders and strains trying to take off.
 It finally gets the wheels off the ground 5 feet, 10 feet. Whoops! It runs out of runway and smashes into a tree.
 The two hunters, dazed and confused make there way out of the wreckage. One hunter looks at the other and says,
 "Where the heck are we?" The other looks around and replies, "About 200 yards further than we got last year!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 22, 2015, 03:29:59 AM


                                                                       Movies

                                          A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a moose sitting next to him.
                                          "Are you a moose?" asked the man, surprised.
                                          "Yes."
                                          "What are you doing at the movies?" The moose replied,
                                          "Well, I liked the book."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 22, 2015, 05:53:42 AM

A middle school science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!". She then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy." Then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:  First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 22, 2015, 08:44:11 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 22, 2015, 04:37:38 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 23, 2015, 07:21:11 AM


You Know You're a Redneck When...
 

 Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand..
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer
 quota..

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip
 on the side..

The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart..

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV..

You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler..

You've used your ironing board as a buffet table..

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart..

Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always
 brings you home..

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of
 improvement..

You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher..

You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty..

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph..

Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you
 take them out to see what it is.
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 24, 2015, 03:37:37 AM

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/maxine014.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/maxine014.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 24, 2015, 03:51:02 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 25, 2015, 04:36:28 AM

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 25, 2015, 04:43:48 PM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 26, 2015, 03:41:02 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 26, 2015, 04:51:05 AM

Baby Bruno was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
 "What are you doing?" Bruno asked.
 "Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey", his grandmother replied.
 "That's cool!" Bruno said.
 "Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 27, 2015, 03:52:08 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 27, 2015, 05:14:58 AM

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in and asks, "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "Eggs, but first you've got to make love to me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they make love. Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says, "The egg timer's broken.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 27, 2015, 09:20:30 AM
Good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 27, 2015, 04:18:46 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 29, 2015, 07:00:07 AM

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.

He didn't have to hear about all the men she
 could have married, and she didn't have to hear
 about the way his mother cooked.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 29, 2015, 04:02:29 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 30, 2015, 03:59:04 AM

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/safesex.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/safesex.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 30, 2015, 04:01:14 AM
 :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Nov 30, 2015, 07:18:50 AM
I like it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 01, 2015, 05:28:29 AM

Recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "t."

Examples of those days are as follows:

Tuesday
 Thursday
 Today
 Tomorrow
 Thanksgiving
 Thaturday
 Thunday
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Dec 01, 2015, 09:29:54 AM
I agree.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 01, 2015, 05:45:36 PM


              Every day for me  :-* :-*  But when deer hunting comes about non a not to
              for me always had better luck leaving that thing alone  for 10 weeks
              I stick with what works for me .  :)  NO SEX for this BOY !!!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 02, 2015, 03:07:25 AM

              Every day for me  :-* :-*  But when deer hunting comes about non a not to
              for me always had better luck leaving that thing alone  for 10 weeks
              I stick with what works for me .  :)  NO SEX for this BOY !!!!!
                   ???
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 02, 2015, 03:07:48 AM

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his
 future holds.
 
 His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a
 beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
 
 The frog is thrilled, "This is great!
 "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
 
 "No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 02, 2015, 03:52:36 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 03, 2015, 04:24:00 AM

What's the best form of birth control after 50?

Nudity.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 03, 2015, 05:23:20 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Hollywood on Dec 03, 2015, 07:30:40 PM
(http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c246/tomhollywood/image_zpsrn64ff2g.jpeg) (http://s28.photobucket.com/user/tomhollywood/media/image_zpsrn64ff2g.jpeg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 04, 2015, 03:49:47 AM


           Must have been time again  :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: peddler on Dec 04, 2015, 08:41:38 AM
Love is where you find itTom.

 ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 05, 2015, 04:18:36 AM

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 05, 2015, 04:21:08 AM
 ???
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Dec 05, 2015, 08:07:40 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 06, 2015, 05:31:56 AM


(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/xmasrelations.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/xmasrelations.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 07, 2015, 04:14:43 AM

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies, "Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Dec 07, 2015, 08:06:07 AM
nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 07, 2015, 05:35:25 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 08, 2015, 05:08:20 AM

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new
 son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you
 into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we
 care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business.
 All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn
 the operations."
 
 The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't
 stand the noise."
 
 "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work
 in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
 
 "I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand
 being stuck behind a desk all day."
 
 "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you
 half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't
 like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going
 to do with you?"
 
 "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 08, 2015, 05:20:48 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 09, 2015, 04:20:37 AM

A typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.

"Just so there are no misunderstandings, I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night. . . whether you're here or not."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 09, 2015, 04:27:00 AM
Nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 10, 2015, 03:15:46 AM

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three
 Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first biker approached
 the old man, threw his cigarette into the old man's pie,
 and then took a seat at the counter.
 
 Then, a second biker walked over to the old man, spit into
 his glass of milk, and then took a seat at the counter.
 
 Finally, a third biker verbally attacked the old man,
 knocked his plate of food into his lap, and then took a
 seat at the counter.
 
 Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the
 diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers commented to
 the waitress, "Not much of a man, is he?"

 The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either.
 He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 10, 2015, 03:35:34 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Dec 10, 2015, 09:19:05 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 11, 2015, 05:25:52 AM


A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. He gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was being nasty and decides to make amends and give her a call.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Dec 11, 2015, 08:57:34 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 11, 2015, 04:57:43 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 12, 2015, 04:18:35 AM

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 12, 2015, 04:31:24 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 13, 2015, 05:20:24 AM

            Redneck medical terms


 Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...............Back door to cafeteria.

Barium.................What you do with dead folks.

Cesarean Section.......A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan................Searching for the cat.

Cauterize..........Made eye contact with her.

Colic...............A sheep dog.

Coma...............A punctuation mark.

D&C................Where Washington is.

Dilate.............To live longer than your kids do.

Enema.............Not a friend.

Fester............Quicker than someone else.

Fibula............A small lie.

G.I.Series.........World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail...........What you hang your coat on.

Impotent......Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain..........Getting hurt at work.

Morbid..............A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates...........Cheaper than day rates.

Medical Staff.......A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.

Node....................I knew it.

Outpatient..............A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear................A fatherhood test.

Pelvis...................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative...........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room....Place to do upholstery.

Secretion.......Hiding something.

Tablet..........A small table to change babies on.

Seizure..........Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.

Terminal Illness....Getting sick at the train station.

Tumor...............More than one.

Urine...............Opposite of mine.

Varicose............Near by.

Hospital............The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed
 warehouse or Franks lumber mill.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 13, 2015, 04:22:39 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 14, 2015, 01:57:01 AM

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down for a drink.
 After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who
 owns the big white horse outside?"
 
 The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"
 
 The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd
 like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger
 and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from
 heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver
 was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and
 said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver for a little while and see
 if you can create enough of a breeze to give him a little relief!"
 
 Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
 Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the
 bar to finish his beer.
 
 A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who
 owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and
 claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your
 Injun runnin'."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 14, 2015, 04:00:33 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 15, 2015, 03:40:30 AM

Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never quite
 agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had
 found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of
 continual Pessimistic way of thinking. The Optimist owned a huntin' dog
 that could walk on water.
 
 His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat. They
 got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot down a
 duck...the dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the
 duck, and walked back to the boat.
 
 The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think
 about that?"
 
 The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 15, 2015, 03:56:25 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 16, 2015, 06:15:55 AM

Grandma and Grandpa were driving from Washington to Florida to attend their granddaughter's graduation from medical school.

Halfway through their trip, they stopped to visit one of their sons in Kansas for a night. Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the Medicine cabinet. He asked his son about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"Around $10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one and we'll be leaving early in the morning, so I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He immediately called Grandpa on his cell phone and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Dec 16, 2015, 08:28:08 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 16, 2015, 11:09:54 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: OTIS on Dec 16, 2015, 08:22:43 PM
What do you call a deaf walleye?

Anything you'd like, he can't hear you.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: OTIS on Dec 16, 2015, 08:23:59 PM
What's got fins, scales, and a trunk?

A pike going on vacation.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 17, 2015, 04:21:44 AM

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a religious healing program on TV. The Evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to put one hand on the TV and the other on the body part they wanted healed. Grandma hobbled to the TV and put one hand on the TV and the other on her arthritic hip.

Grandpa made his way to the set and put one hand on the TV and the other on his crotch. Grandma looked at him with disgust. "You just don't get it, you old coot, the purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/blanket.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/blanket.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 17, 2015, 09:28:51 AM


        Nice    ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 18, 2015, 05:24:23 AM

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out "CROSS."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing " MEMORIES."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Dec 18, 2015, 07:57:25 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 18, 2015, 03:35:55 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 19, 2015, 06:24:32 AM

Question: What is a Yankee?
 Answer: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 19, 2015, 06:37:47 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 20, 2015, 03:06:48 AM

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat.

10% of women think their ass is too skinny.

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 20, 2015, 05:37:34 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Dec 20, 2015, 06:54:10 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 21, 2015, 05:47:39 AM

New Sex Study...

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
 The husband sits up and begs.
 The wife rolls over and plays dead.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Dec 21, 2015, 06:55:34 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 21, 2015, 07:09:49 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: peddler on Dec 21, 2015, 06:03:36 PM
Doggie style is the Canadian's choice.

That way they can both watch the Hockey game!!!

😎😎😎 👍👍👍
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 22, 2015, 02:18:00 AM


              Good one Skip! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 22, 2015, 02:18:39 AM

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses and lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "Boy you know what I want, don't you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 22, 2015, 05:38:45 AM


          Nice very nice Skip   :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 22, 2015, 05:59:11 AM



                 A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.  The husband puts,
                "Mype?is," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says,
                "Error. Not long enough."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: SHaRPS on Dec 22, 2015, 08:37:41 AM
That's a good one for sure Green Mountain!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 23, 2015, 04:28:17 AM


 After dying in a car crash, three friends go to
 Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same
 question: "When you are in your casket, and friends
 and family are mourning over you, what would you like
 to hear them say about you?"
 
 The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to
 hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of
 my time, and a great family man."
 
 The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was
 a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a
 huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
 
 The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I guess
 I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Dec 23, 2015, 05:54:32 AM
good one-----
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 23, 2015, 06:15:41 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 24, 2015, 02:01:59 AM
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the Man of Your House." He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

The wife replied, "The damn funeral director would be my first guess."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 24, 2015, 02:11:31 AM

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/bonelesschicken.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/bonelesschicken.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 24, 2015, 06:42:00 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 27, 2015, 04:10:01 AM

A young doctor had moved into a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could get to know him.

At the first house, a woman complained: "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing on fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you reach your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Well," the younger doctor said, "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the same energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "Your diagnosis is probably correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor, and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed a Preacher under the bed."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 27, 2015, 06:47:58 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Dec 27, 2015, 10:01:51 AM
nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 28, 2015, 04:15:04 AM

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
 Commandments with her five and six year olds.
 
 After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
 father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a
 commandment that teaches us how to treat our
 brothers and sisters?"

 Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest
 of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 28, 2015, 04:38:48 PM
 ;D ;D   nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 29, 2015, 05:14:32 AM

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat.

He never heard the gunshot.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 29, 2015, 01:57:02 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 30, 2015, 04:37:48 AM

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm
 clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot
 (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his
 electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).

He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer
 jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE
 IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE
 IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO)
 to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE
 IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued
 his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe
 decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN
 BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE)
 and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then
 wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 30, 2015, 05:39:26 AM

      I think we have better things to think about.

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/Pant%20wearing%20dog.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/Pant%20wearing%20dog.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Dec 30, 2015, 06:16:45 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Hollywood on Dec 30, 2015, 07:39:17 AM
(http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c246/tomhollywood/image_zpsobl6vjtx.jpeg)]   [URL=http://s28.photobucket.com/user/tomhollywood/media/image_zpsobl6vjtx.jpeg.html](http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c246/tomhollywood/image_zpsobl6vjtx.jpeg) (http://[URL=http://s28.photobucket.com/user/tomhollywood/media/image_zpsobl6vjtx.jpeg.html) [/url]
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Dec 30, 2015, 07:59:29 AM
Is she house broken...h2l
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 30, 2015, 08:30:28 AM

          Funny! ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 30, 2015, 03:48:19 PM


            ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: peddler on Dec 31, 2015, 06:11:54 AM
Tom, that is hilarious!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 31, 2015, 06:32:54 AM

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was very concerned.
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 31, 2015, 01:45:55 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 01, 2016, 04:38:52 AM

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

 

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.  He told them to go away and let him get some sleep.  However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.  Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.  Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

 

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

 

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

 

"Good," said the first bat tiredly, “Because I didn't!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 01, 2016, 07:36:19 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 02, 2016, 04:48:51 AM

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering "Dave, you're a vet..."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 02, 2016, 06:51:57 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 02, 2016, 06:53:19 AM
    The Deer Hunt
                     

1:00 am Alarm clock rings.

2:00 am Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.

2:30 am Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.

3:00 am Leave for deep woods.

3:15 am Drive back home to pick up gun.

3:30 am Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.

4:00 am Set up camp. Forgot the damn tent.

4:30 am Head for the woods.

6:05 am See eight deer.

6:06 am Take aim and squeeze trigger.

6:07 am CLICK.

6:08 am Load gun while watching deer go over hill.

8:00 am Head back to camp.

9:00 am Still looking for camp.

10:00 am Realize that you don't know where camp is.

Noon Fire gun for help---eat wild berries.

2:15 pm Run out of bullets---eight deer come back.

2:20 pm Strange feeling in stomach.

2:30 pm Realize that you ate poison berries.

2:45 pm Rescued.

2:55 pm Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.

3:00 pm Arrive back at camp.

3:30 pm Leave camp to kill deer.

4:00 pm Return to camp for bullets.

4:01 pm Load gun---leave camp again.

5:00 pm Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you.

6:00 pm Arrive at camp---see deer grazing.

6:01 pm Load gun.

6:02 pm Fire gun.

6:03 pm One dead pickup.

6:05 pm Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging deer.

6:06 pm Repress desire to shoot hunting partner.

6:07 pm Fall into fire.

6:10 pm Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire.

6:15 pm Take pickup, leave hunting partner and deer in camp.

6:25 pm Pickup boils over, hole shot in block.

6:26 pm Start walking.

6:30 pm Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.

6:35 pm Meet bear.

6:36 pm Take aim.

6:37 pm Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud.

6:38 pm Mess pants.

6:39 pm Climb tree.

11:00 pm Bear leaves. Wrap $#@%!* gun around tree.

Midnight Home at last.

Next Day Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Department with detailed instructions on where to place it.

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 03, 2016, 04:59:27 AM

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato
 had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a
 little sweet potato, whom they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they
 told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and
 getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed and get
 a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch
 of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and
 make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't
 stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty
 of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch
 out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland, and the greasy guys from
 France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch
 out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would
 stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high
 class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who
 advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University)
 so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all
 they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going
 to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw!? Yam's parent's exclaimed! Oh my,
 Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset at this announcement. They told
 Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just ....

Are you ready for this?
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
 a Common Tator
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 03, 2016, 07:16:27 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 03, 2016, 07:17:18 AM
                   How Cold is it



There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!"said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.

So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

He won.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 03, 2016, 02:55:27 PM


                   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 04, 2016, 03:57:19 AM


 Two guys from Detroit, Michigan die and wake up
 in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on
 them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens
 and bomber hats, warming themselves around the
 fire.

 The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't
 it hot enough for you?"

 The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from
 Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're
 just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."

 The devil decides that these two aren't miserable
 enough and turns up the heat. The next morning,
 he stops by again and there they are, still dressed
 in their parkas, mittens and hats.

 The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here,
 can't you guys feel that?"

 Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday,
 we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold.
 We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know."

 The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix
 the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go.
 The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He
 stops by the room with the two guys from Detroit and finds
 them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking
 beer.

 The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject
 misery , and you seem to be enjoying yourselves."

 The two Michiganders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't
 get too much warm weather up there in Detroit, we've just
 got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice."

 The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight.
 Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the
 heat because they have been cold all their lives. He
 decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

 The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles
 are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad,
 they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.

 The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2
 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens
 and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering.

 The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I
 turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold,
 and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?"

 The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. "Well,
 don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean
 the Lions won the Super Bowl!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 04, 2016, 02:45:24 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 05, 2016, 03:52:09 PM
   

               There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.
               Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!
              " Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!
              " Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said,
              "The only thing I smell is molasses."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 05, 2016, 04:11:40 PM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: peddler on Jan 05, 2016, 07:02:46 PM
Nope that wasn't even a little good!!!

😂😂😂😂
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 06, 2016, 04:06:23 AM


                  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 06, 2016, 04:06:50 AM

A Blonde had just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a lorry driver. The trucker motioned for her to pull over. Which she did, the trucker got out of his lorry and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde, “Stand in the circle and DON’T MOVE!!”

He then went to her car and cut up the leather seats. When he turned around the blonde had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh, you think that’s funny? Watch this.” He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in the car. When he turns and looks at her, the blonde has a smile on her face. The truckers getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slashes all of his tires. Now the blonde’s chuckling.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of petrol, pours it on the car and sets it on fire. He turns around and the blonde is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

“What’s so funny?” the truck driver asks. The blonde replied, “When you weren’t looking I stepped outside the circle 4 times”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 06, 2016, 02:03:47 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 06, 2016, 02:05:18 PM


                 A man walks into a bar. He gets very drunk and asks the bartender where the restroom is.
                The bartender explains it's the third door to the right, but the man goes into the third door to the left.
                He finds a large golden toilet. The man takes a big poop in it and leaves.
                He continues to return to drink there every week, and every time he goes to poop in that golden toilet.
                One day he finds the golden toilet is gone, so he asks the bartender about it.

                The bartender exclaims, "So you're the one who's been pooping in my tuba!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 06, 2016, 03:58:52 PM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 07, 2016, 02:14:51 PM


                Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
                Student: "Meat!"

                Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
                Student: "Bacon!"

                Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
                Student: "Homework!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 07, 2016, 02:25:14 PM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 08, 2016, 04:15:55 AM

An drunk Irishman was sitting at a bar when suddenly at the other end of the bar appeared a leprechaun. The Irishman caught the leprechaun’s eye and the leprechaun came to sit beside him.

“Sure enough, as you have caught my eye,” said the leprechaun, “you can have two wishes.”

“First of all,” says the Irishman, “I’d be having a bottle of Guinness that is never empty.”

The barman comes over and gives the Irishman a bottle of Guinness. He drinks from it, and when he puts it down it fills up again. So he drinks the lot in one, and again it fills up.

“And for your second wish?” enquires the Leprechaun.

“That’s brilliant!” retorts the Irishman, “I’d like another one.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 08, 2016, 01:44:36 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 09, 2016, 04:00:20 AM

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He’d rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

The man said, “Sure. I’ve come to install the phone”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 09, 2016, 06:59:27 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 09, 2016, 07:23:34 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 10, 2016, 04:01:15 AM


Things Women Don't Know
 

 Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses
 are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits


 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits


 4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The
Game


 5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too


 6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His


 7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First


 8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking


 9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging


 10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire


 11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up


 12. Introduction to Parking


 13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space


 14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat


 15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter


 16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption


 17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People


 18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully


 19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His


 20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To


 21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have


 22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice


 23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together


 24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both


 25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 10, 2016, 06:14:14 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 11, 2016, 03:50:58 AM

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation.  They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.

   

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.  True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

 

At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha.  Do you hear me?"  A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John.  I can hear you."

 

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"   

"It's beautiful.  There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." 

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha. 

 

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon.   After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five.  After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."       

Martha was somewhat taken aback. 

"Is that what heaven really is like?"     

"Heaven?  Oh, I'm not in Heaven, Martha."   

"Well, then, where are you, then?" 

"I'm a bunny rabbit in Arizona, Martha."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 11, 2016, 05:29:43 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 11, 2016, 05:38:51 AM



                  Q: How did boobs got their name?

                  A: From the top view it looks like a B, the front view looks like oo, and the side view looks like a b.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: peddler on Jan 11, 2016, 03:54:04 PM
Martini's

Are like women's breasts




One is not enough and


Three is to many.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Hollywood on Jan 12, 2016, 06:19:51 AM
Martini's

Are like women's breasts




One is not enough and


Three is to many.

Not true. Knew a gal with three once. Had a huge extra one smack dab in the middle of her back. Strange looking girl. But... Great to slow dance with!   8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: peddler on Jan 12, 2016, 03:13:50 PM
 8) 8) 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 13, 2016, 03:09:31 AM


               Why....?
 

 Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
 *
 **If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting
 in one take so long?
 *
 **How does skating on thin ice get you into hot water?
 *
 **When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your
 two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
 *
 **If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
 electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
 models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
 *
 **Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
 *
 **If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide and seek, does he
 automatically lose because he can't find himself?
 *
 **Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery
 is dead?
 *
 **Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
 *
 **Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell
 him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
 *
 **If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 13, 2016, 05:36:34 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 14, 2016, 05:41:34 AM


                 A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
                The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
                In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
                After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
                This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
                The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
                In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
                “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 16, 2016, 04:05:41 AM


                     ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 16, 2016, 04:06:06 AM


 A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, “There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it’s not going to be legal.”

“That doesn’t matter at all,” replied the blonde. “All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.”

“Alright,” replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem to sell your car.”

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette’s advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, “Did you sell your car?”

“No!” replied the blonde. “Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 16, 2016, 06:07:23 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 16, 2016, 06:10:44 AM

          Archery Contest
       
        Once upon a time there was an archery contest. The first archer, wearing a long cape covering his face, lines up in position...
        He takes a deep breath and fires an arrow which finds the center of the target.
        Then he takes of his cape and screams: I AM...... ROBIN HOOD!!! The crowd cheers!
        The second archer with a cape lines up in position. He fires his arrow which hits the center and cuts robin hood's arrow into two!!!
        He takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... WILLIAM TELL!!!!!! The crowd cheers!! finally, a third man in cape lines up in position...
        He fires his arrow but it goes all wrong!!! It flies past the crowd and kills the king!!!
        Then the man takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... SORRY!!!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 17, 2016, 06:38:51 AM


                 I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice-cubes got stuck up my nose.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 17, 2016, 02:24:46 PM
Nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 18, 2016, 06:36:39 AM

    Why are women like snow flakes?

They are all beautiful. They are all different. They can all be cold as ice. But they'll all melt when you hold them gently.

Why is a man like a snow fall?

You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 18, 2016, 01:15:55 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Jan 18, 2016, 07:22:51 PM
I do know that we have gotten about 6 inches so far and I am sure it is going to last all winter...h2l
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 19, 2016, 04:05:40 AM

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow.  The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.  He calls to the rabbit to go and get the Farmer to help pull him to safety.  The rabbit runs to the farm but the Farmer is  nowhere to be found.  The rabbit then drives the Farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper and then throws the other end to the horse, and saves him from sinking.

 

A few days later, the rabbit and the horse are playing in the meadow again, and the rabbit falls into the mud hole.  The rabbit yelled to the horse to get some help from the farmer.   The horse said "I think I can stand   over the hole."  So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up" and the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.

 

 The moral of the story:  If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes. 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 19, 2016, 05:53:56 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 19, 2016, 05:55:04 AM
 

 A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1997 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".

The dude replies "A 1997 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure" replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe 3 times as fast!

The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out, and jeezus to betsy, it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Jan 19, 2016, 09:38:13 AM
nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 20, 2016, 04:20:04 AM

A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be?  You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

The widow says, "Three carats."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 20, 2016, 05:56:07 AM
 ;D  nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 21, 2016, 04:01:19 AM




BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.


Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
 
Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.
 
Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
5)  The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap .
 
 
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground....
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..
 
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
 
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you  once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
 
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
 
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.
 

SUCCESS:  How true this one is.
 
At age 4 success is . . . ... Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is ... . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is ..... . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . ... . Having money.
At age 50 success is . .. .. Having money.
At age 70 success is . ... . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is ... ... Having friends.
At age 80 success is . .. .. Not piddling in your pants.

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 21, 2016, 05:35:27 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 21, 2016, 05:38:16 AM
                                   Slices of Pizza


                A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering,
      the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

           "Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 21, 2016, 08:18:38 PM

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of her car. The driver tried to avoid it , but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.



"What happened to you?," asked Hillary .

 

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful crazed twin daughters made passionate love to me."



"What did you tell them?" asked Hillary.



The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, “I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.” The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 22, 2016, 07:20:59 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 22, 2016, 07:23:08 AM



                                                  Ice Fishing

                                    A newfie went ice fishing. Heard a voice.
                        " There's no fish there" Gets up, goes a few feet further.
                      Digs a hole and starts fishing again. Again, he hears the voice.
             "There's no fish there" Newfie looks up, is that you Lord No, said the voice.

                                     "Its the Manager of the Arena."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 23, 2016, 04:16:17 AM

 

A blonde girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the "upturn."

 

"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.

 

"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"

 

"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.

 

"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."

 

"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."

 

To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity....  What's the difference?  All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 23, 2016, 03:23:19 PM



                                                  Little Sister
               
                         A man and his wife were having sex one night in there bedroom.
                 There little boy opens the door and says "Daddy what are you doing to mama?
                   " Then the daddy says "Making you a little sister" And then the boy replies "

                                       " Hell no do it doggy style I want a puppy."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 24, 2016, 05:27:47 AM

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.  A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.  The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.  The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

 

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."   

 

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,

 

"And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." 

 

The manager okayed the deal, and the man went on his way.

 

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it.  You think on you feet and we like that around here.  Where are you from, son?"

 

The boy replied, "Canada, sir."

 

"Oh, really?  Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.

 

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

 

"My wife is from Canada!!"

 

The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 24, 2016, 06:13:39 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 24, 2016, 06:17:06 AM
   
                                                      Newborn Baby
                                                           
                       Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
                         under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
                        "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
                        I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says,
                       "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really! Like a newborn baby?"
                       "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 25, 2016, 12:55:09 PM


                                    Why is Healthcare reform so important to the enigmatic Barack Obama?
                     His pregnant mom was turned away from many hospitals and was forced to give birth in a manger!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 25, 2016, 04:25:29 PM

                                    Why is Healthcare reform so important to the enigmatic Barack Obama?
                     His pregnant mom was turned away from many hospitals and was forced to give birth in a manger!
             That's what the Democrats want you to think! >:(
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 26, 2016, 05:56:07 AM

One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A.   These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.  So they did this and had a great time.  However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.  Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final.

 

They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.  Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day.  The two guys were elated and relieved.

 

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them.  He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.  They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points.  "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy."  They did that problem and then turned the page. 

 

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.  It said:

 

(95 points) Which tire was flat?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 26, 2016, 06:26:53 AM


                       50th Anniversary

                 A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
                 On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
                 He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.
                 Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you.
                 Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 26, 2016, 02:18:37 PM


                              ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 27, 2016, 04:33:13 AM

A little girl runs out to the back-yard where her father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?"  So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc... He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... He thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works. He describes masturbation, anal and oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and discipline, rape, pedophilia, homosexuality, bestiality, sex toys etc., etc...

 

The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks:

 

  "So what did you want to know about sex for?”

 

  "Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 27, 2016, 04:18:30 PM
 :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 28, 2016, 01:11:35 PM


                         When is a retiree's bedtime?

                         Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 29, 2016, 04:48:37 AM

You do know what would have happened if it had been
 three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you?
They would have asked for directions,
 arrived on time,
 helped deliver the baby,
 cleaned the stable,
 made a casserole,
 and brought disposable diapers as gifts!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 29, 2016, 03:57:42 PM
Nice one  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 30, 2016, 04:36:41 AM
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
 
 Mother: "What does the cow say?"
 
 Child: "Moooo!"
 
 Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
 
 Child: "Meow."
 
 Mother: "Oh you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

 
 And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother
 and replied, "Bud."   


(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/a_kaeru02.gif) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/a_kaeru02.gif.html)

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 30, 2016, 02:40:35 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 31, 2016, 05:12:46 AM

Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking & Brain Development”

 

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace.

 

Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.

 

The moral of the story:  Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 31, 2016, 06:41:43 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 31, 2016, 06:49:58 AM
 
                                             Elderly Couple

               An elderly couple go to church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husbands ear,
              "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?
              " The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."



                   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 02, 2016, 06:58:13 AM
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her church.

 

"Reverend," she said, " I have a problem--my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons.  It's very embarrassing.  What should I do?"

 

"I have an idea," said the minister.  "Take this hatpin with you. I'll be able to tell when Mr.  Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times.  When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg with the pin."

 

In church, the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off.  Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.  "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.  "Jesus!" cried Mr. Jones as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin.  "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.

 

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again.   Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" cried out Mr. Jones as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

 

"Right again, Mr. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.

 

Before long, Mr. Jones dozed off again.  However, this time the minister didn't notice.  As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to wake her husband again.  She was just sticking her husband with the hatpin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

 

Mr. Jones shrieked, “You stick that damned thing in me one more time, and I'll break it off and shove it up your butt!!!!"

 

Thus ended the sermon.......
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 02, 2016, 07:09:14 AM


                          What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?

                           Polaroids!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 03, 2016, 03:34:57 AM


Wisdom From Seniors
 

 When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
 *
 I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
 *
 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
 *
 All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
 *
 If all is not lost, where is it?
 *
 It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
 *
 The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.
 *
 I tried to get a life once, But they told me they were out of stock.
 *
 I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though.
 *
 It was so different before everything changed.
 *
 Some day's you're the dog, and some day's you're the hydrant.
 *
 Nostalgia isn't what it use to be.
 *
 Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
 *
 A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
 *
 I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.
 *
 Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause
kids.
 *
 It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
 *
 It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
 *
 Living on Earth is expensive, But it does include a trip around the sun.
 *
 The only time the world beats a path to your door is if your in the bathroom.
 *
 If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
 *
 Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run (he hates that).
 *
 Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
 *
 When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else
decide to play chess.
 *
 If you are living on the edge, make sure your wearing your seatbelt.
 *
 There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the dead.
 *
 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
 *
 A closed mouth gathers no feet.
 *
 Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
 *
 Its not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
 *
 Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
 *
 The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 03, 2016, 06:22:43 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 04, 2016, 04:01:33 AM

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard.  Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying Johnny.  He began stomping on them in his anger.  His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it!  No honey for you for one month!"

 

Later that afternoon, Johnny wandered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet.  His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said "That's it!  No butter for you for one month!"

 

Early that same evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor.   She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.  Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

 

About a month later, the tired and frustrated father, upon coming home from work, kicks the cat......  And the little Johnny immediately offers, "Are you going to tell him, Mommy, or shall I?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 04, 2016, 05:41:44 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 06, 2016, 05:34:34 AM

Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know, my son, he graduated fist in his class from Stanford.  He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."

 

The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard.  He’s now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles."

 

The last woman says, "You know my son, he never did too well is school.   He never went to any university but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman."

 

The other two women ask "What is a sports repairman?"

 

The woman then replies, "He fixes games...  you know, hockey games, football games, baseball games...."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 06, 2016, 08:00:52 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 06, 2016, 08:01:44 AM



                        How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?

                        He married her.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 07, 2016, 05:12:05 AM


Homesick Snow Bird Gets Help

  In Scottsdale, AZ. the other day, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Chicago." Someone broke the window, stole the radio, shot out all four tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read: "Hope this helps!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 07, 2016, 06:10:50 AM



                     What does Barack Obama think is more dangerous than the Middle East?

                      Reverend Jeremiah Wright and a microphone


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 08, 2016, 04:54:39 AM

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

 10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden
 because men hate to ask for directions.
 *
 9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand
 him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON
 television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
 *
 8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his
 seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
 *
 7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment
 for himself.
 *
 6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was
 garbage night.
 *
 5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would
 never be able to handle childbearing.
 *
 4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember
 where he put his tools.
 *
 3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed
 someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him
 hiding in the garden.
 *
 2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
 *
 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
 scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 08, 2016, 04:13:27 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 09, 2016, 05:46:00 AM


“An Age of a Woman”

 

* Below 14, she is like Antarctica: Untouchable.

 

* Between 14 and 17, she is like Africa: Virgin and unexplored.

 

* Between 18 and 30, she is like Asia: Hot and exotic. 

 

* Between 31 and 45, she is like America: Fully explored; breathtakingly beautiful and free with her resources.   

 

* Between 46 and 56, she is like Europe: Exhausted but still has points of interest.

 

* Between 56 and 60, she is like Australia: Everybody knows it's out there but nobody gives a damn!

 

* Between 60 and 64, she's like Russia: Everybody knows it's out there, but no one ever dares to go.

 

* After 64, she's like the Moon: Exploration has stopped.

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 09, 2016, 04:08:54 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 10, 2016, 07:37:51 AM

Why Dogs Are Better Than Wives

 Dogs don't cry.
*
Dogs love it when your friends come over.

*
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

*
Dogs think you sing great.

*
A dog's time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink.

*
Dogs don't expect you to call them when you're running late.

*
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

*
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

*
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dogs name.

*
Dogs are excited by rough play.

*
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

*
Dogs can appreciate excess body hair.

*
Anyone can get a good looking dog.

*
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

*
Dogs don't shop.

*
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

*
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

*
A dog's parents never come to visit.

*
Dogs love long car trips.

*
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

*
Dogs don't hate their bodies.

*
No dog ever bought a Kenny G. album.

*
No dog ever put on a hundred pounds after reaching adulthood.

*
Dogs never criticize.

*
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

*
Dogs never expect gifts.

*
Dogs don't worry about germs.

*
Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to your wallet, desk or
sock drawer.

*
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their life.

*
Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger than a lobster dinner.

*
You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready 24 hours a day.

*
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

*
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

*
Dogs never want a foot rub.

*
Dogs can't talk.

*
Dogs aren't catty.
 
Dogs seldom out live you!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 11, 2016, 03:42:20 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 11, 2016, 03:44:13 AM


                    A husband desperate to keep his hot wife happy offers to buy is wife a new car. She cutely declines his offer by saying,

                   "That's not quite what I had in mind." Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer, "That's not quite what I had in mind."

                    Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?" She retorts, "I'd like a divorce."

                    He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 11, 2016, 06:41:37 AM



                        ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 11, 2016, 06:42:18 AM


"Dad, what can you tell me about politics?  I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

 

Father thought and said, "Ok son, the best way to learn is from an analogy.  Let's say that I'm capitalism because I am the breadwinner and your mother is the government because she controls everything and the maid is the working class because she works for us, and you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help you son?

 

The little boy said he would think about it.

 

Later that night, after everyone went to sleep the little boy was awakened by his baby brother crying and he found a dirty diaper.  So he went down the hall to his parent's room and his mother wouldn't wake up.  Then he saw a light in the maid's room and looked through a crack in the door to see his father in bed with the maid.

 

So he decided to turn around and go back to bed.

 

The next morning at breakfast he said....

 

"Dad I think I understand politics now."

 

The father said....

 

"Excellent, what have you learned?"

 

The little boy thought a minute and said....

 

"I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap.".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 12, 2016, 04:54:39 AM

Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is a virus out
 there called the C-nile Virus that even the most advanced programs from
 Norton cannot take care of, so be warned, it appears to affect those of us
 who were born before 1956!
Symptoms of C-nile Virus:

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.

3. Causes you to send to wrong person.

4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 12, 2016, 05:34:19 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 13, 2016, 06:01:46 AM

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.  She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy."  "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.  At a loss for something to say the father replied, Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven."  Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles' death quite well. 

 

However two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said, Mommy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happen; the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean, Lucy?  Tell Daddy!"

 

"Well", Mumbled Lucy, "Soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming!! I'm coming!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 13, 2016, 12:08:11 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 14, 2016, 04:51:39 AM

Transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval
 ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland
in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief
 of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
 
 Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north
 to avoid a collision.
 
 Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to
 the south to avoid a collision.
 
 Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say
 again, divert YOUR course.
 
 Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
 
 Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN,
 THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES
 ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
 DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT
 VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE
 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH,
 OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE
 THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
 
 Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 15, 2016, 04:11:47 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 16, 2016, 04:42:44 AM

In France, the young assistant priests do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the priest and his housekeeper.  One day the priest invited his new young assistant priest to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young priest noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the priest and the housekeeper.  After the meal was over, the middle-aged priest assured the young priest that everything was purely professional... that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.

 

About a week later the housekeeper came to the priest and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"  The priest said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle.  But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner." 

 

The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows:  "Dear Father priest, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper.  But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 16, 2016, 06:46:13 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 16, 2016, 06:47:37 AM


                   Who makes a perfect husband?
 
                   One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 16, 2016, 07:38:02 AM


               That's not Funny, it's the truth! LOL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 17, 2016, 05:20:06 AM

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman was finally able to have a baby.  All her relatives come to visit to meet the newest member of their family. 

 

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother said, "Not yet."   A little later they ask to see the baby again.  Again the mother once again said, "Not yet."

 

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother said, "When the baby cries."  So the agitated relatives asked, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

 

The new mother guiltily admitted, "Because I forgot where I put it."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 17, 2016, 03:29:43 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 18, 2016, 03:51:07 AM

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat.  Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule.  When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments."

 

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today.  I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."

 

Preacher: "You mean the commandment ‘Thou shall not steal’ changed your mind?"

 

Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did.   As soon as you said that, I remembered where I left my old hat!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 18, 2016, 04:05:31 AM
nice   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 19, 2016, 09:10:33 AM


                         What do fish and women have in common?

                         They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 20, 2016, 04:11:08 AM
A police officer pulls over a guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.  He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

 

 The man says, "Sorry officer, I can't do dat.  I am a asthmatic 'n if I do dat, I'll have a really bad asthma attack!"

 

"Okay, fine.  I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

 

"I can't do dat eeder!  I am a hemophiliac.  If I do dat, I'll bleed to death!"

 

 "Well, then we need a urine sample."

 

 "I'm sorry officer, I can't do dat eeder.  I am also a diabetic.  If I do dat, I'll get really low blood sugar."

 

"All right then, I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

 

 "I can't do dat, officer."

 

 "Why not?"

 

 "Cause I'm drunk as a skunk!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 21, 2016, 04:58:43 AM

There once was a little girl who wore a dress to school every day and really loved jelly beans more than anything. The boys at her school decided to take full advantage of this and one day approached her and offered to give her a bag filled with 50 jelly beans if she would climb the school yard flagpole. She did and came back down so the boys gave her the jelly beans.

 

That day she came running home and yelled to her mom, "Mommy! Mommy! Today the boys at school gave me 50 jelly beans to climb the flagpole at school!"  The mother shook her head and replied "Oh no! They just did that so they could see up your dress and see your underwear! I don't want you to ever do this again!"

 

So the next day the boys offered her 100 jelly beans to climb the flag pole. She did, they gave her the jelly beans, and she ran home again and said to her mother "Mommy! Look! Today they gave me 100 jelly beans for climbing the flagpole!"  The mother got upset and told her, "They just did that so they could see your underwear!!! Listen to me! I don't want you to ever let this happen again!"

 

So the next day the boys offered her 200 jelly beans to climb the flagpole. She did without haste and ran home again and shouted with a wide smile on her face, "Mommy! Look! I got 200 jelly beans to climb the flagpole today!" At that, the mother said, "What have I been telling you the past couple days?! They're just doing that to see your underwear!" and the little girl replied still smiling triumphantly,

 

"I know! I know! But this time I tricked them! I didn't wear any!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 21, 2016, 06:35:55 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 21, 2016, 06:36:41 AM


                 Why don't men with beards need vacuums?

                 They already have crumb catchers.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 23, 2016, 03:57:10 AM


                 Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says,
                "Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
                 With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and
                 then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
                "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!"
                 The wife chose to ignore the husband. Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky
               
                 He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.
                 She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Feb 23, 2016, 05:28:43 AM
good one--
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 24, 2016, 04:55:15 AM

“The Castaway Engineer”

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the “craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging onto a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.  “I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

 "Yes, I was," he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunner from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

 "But, what did you use for tools?" asked the amazed man.

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that’s how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter." "To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

 "Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked in lowered voice. The engineer nodded dumbly.  She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm  tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!" 

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied.  "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas." Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"                           

"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island.”

"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp.  Next he showered, not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked. 

"You look great,” said the woman.   "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."   

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada, overwhelmed by the experience. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds. 

"Tell me," she asked while blushing, "we've both been out here for a very long time, with no companionship.  You know what I mean.  Have you been lonely... is there anything that you really, really miss? Something that all men and women need?  Something that would be really nice to have right now!"

"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness.  "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was  just...  well, it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said in a seductive whisper.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly:

"You mean you actually figured out some way to log on to Internet here?”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 24, 2016, 01:20:23 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 25, 2016, 04:08:15 AM

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said
 the first one.
 
 'Me, too" said the second. "let's fly down and find some lunch."
 
 They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground
 full of worms. They ate, and ate and ate and ate 'til they could
 eat no more.
 
 "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first
 one.
 
 "Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the
 second ."
 
 O.K" said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun.
 
 No sooner had they fallen asleep , a big fat tom cat snuck up
 and gobbled them all up. As he sat washing his face after his
 meal, he thought, " I love baskin' robins."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 25, 2016, 03:01:45 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 26, 2016, 04:18:45 AM

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God
 asked him, "What's wrong, Adam?"
 
 Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
 
 God thought for a minute and then said that He was going to make Adam a
 companion and that it would be called a "woman." He said, "This person will
 gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she'll
 wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She
 will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the
 night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the
 first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never
 have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you
 need it."
 
 Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
 
 God replied, "An arm and a leg."
 
 Then Adam asked God, "What can I get for a rib?"

And the rest is history.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 26, 2016, 10:46:58 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 26, 2016, 10:47:57 AM



                 What's the worst part of having a beard?

                  Being confused as a hipster.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 28, 2016, 04:17:16 AM

“Things Not To Say To A Cop When He Pulls You Over"



 
•I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
•Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
•Aren't you the guy from the village people?
•Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me,   good job.
•I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
•I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
•You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
•Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
•Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?
•Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my   girlfriend's night stand.
•Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
•I pay your salary.
•So uh, you on the take or what?
•Gee officer, that's terrific.  The last officer only gave me a warning.
•Do you know why you pulled me over?  Okay, just so one   of us does.
•I was trying to keep up with traffic.  Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 28, 2016, 06:48:31 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 28, 2016, 06:52:37 AM


                A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest. They ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived.
               The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair that he would grant them 3 wishes a piece
               if they would just leave him alone. The pair agreed. The bear said he would go first. "I wish...that all the bears in this forest were female."
               The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet. The bear thought that strange but continued.
               "I wish...that all the bears in this country to be female!" The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned again and wished for a motorcycle.
               He jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it. The bear looked at the bunny and said,

               "You must be the stupidest bunny I ever met!" Then he asked for his last wish. "I wish...that all the bears in this world to be female!"
               The genie granted the wish.
         
              The bunny just grinned and said, "I wish the bear was gay."



















Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 29, 2016, 03:34:35 AM

A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating.

 

The little boy asked his Dad what was happening.

 

The Father replied, "Well, son, they're making a puppy."

 

The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water.

 

Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents’ bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position.

 

Confused, the boy asked what they were doing.

 

The Dad responded very slowly and caringly to his impressionable little boy, "Well, son, we are making you a little brother."

 

The little boy replied, “Quick, Dad!  Please turn Mom over!  I'd rather have a puppy!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 29, 2016, 04:02:40 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 01, 2016, 03:48:01 AM

Dr. Cook was brought up on charges at the medical board.  He had, it seemed, uttered the vilest profanity to his nurse.  He explained, "Let me tell you what happened.  My alarm didn't go off, so I woke up late. When I did wake up, I tried to turn on the light in the lamp on my nightstand.  The bulb exploded and scared me for a minute, so I pulled the cord out of the wall, and the lamp fell over and broke.

 

Then I was trying to make a little breakfast when a whole army of little Girl Scouts showed up and tried to sell me tons of cookies.  I had to buy five boxes to get rid of the kids.  By then my coffee was ice cold, and my eggs were burned.  I gulped down a glass of juice.  It turned out to be sour.

 

When I started to drive to the office, the car conked out.  The alternator was gone.  I didn't have my auto club card with me so I had to pay to have the car towed to a service station.  I looked at my service book and discovered that the warranty ran out last week.

 

I took a cab to the office, but around Main Street somebody sideswiped us, and I hit my head on the door handle.  I finally made it into my office when my nurse said, "Doctor, a shipment of thermometers just came in.  What shall I do with them?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 01, 2016, 03:49:50 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 04, 2016, 03:56:06 AM

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are
 in a doggie bar having a cool drink when a good-looking
 female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can
 creatively say liver and cheese in a sentence can have
 me."
 
 So, the Doberman quickly says, "I love liver and cheese."
 
 The Collie remarks, "That's just not good enough."
 
 The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
 
 The Collie remarks, "That's not creative."
 
 Finally, the Chihuahua speaks out, "Liver alone...
 cheese mine."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 04, 2016, 05:58:17 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 04, 2016, 07:05:11 AM

             Bowel Movements 

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. One seventy year old man says,

"I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

 An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

 The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others.

 "I don't wake up until nine."



             
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 04, 2016, 09:29:08 PM
 



                               ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 05, 2016, 03:50:21 AM

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears "Ribbit 9 Iron.”

 

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron.”

 

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" 

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog.”

 

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?“ the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood.” The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?"

The frog replies, “Ribbit Las Vegas.”

 

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette.”

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

 

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3,000, black 6.” Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.”

 

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me.” He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl.

 

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my hotel room...."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 05, 2016, 06:18:44 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 05, 2016, 06:19:50 PM


                   Why do Retirees smile all the time?

                   Because they can't hear a word you're saying!




                       
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 06, 2016, 06:32:11 AM



                New England Home

           My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.
           Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation.
          "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.

           One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
           My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

          "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/weatherjokes/winterjokes.html
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 08, 2016, 03:56:48 AM

“Redneck Driver's License Application”

 

Here is our new Driver's License Application for the Atlanta area.  They will start using it in the general South pretty soon… 

Last name: ________________

First name:

(_) Billy-Bob

(_) Billy-Joe

(_) Billy-Ray

(_) Billy-Sue

(_) Billy-Mae

(_) Billy-Jack

(Check appropriate box)

 

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

 

Occupation:

(_) Farmer

(_) Mechanic

(_) Hair Dresser

(_) Un-employed

(_) Dirty Politician

 

Spouse's Name: __________________________

2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________

3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________

 

Lover's Name: _________________________

2nd Lover's Name: _________________________

 

Relationship with spouse:

(_) Sister

(_) Brother

(_) Aunt

(_) Uncle

(_) Cousin

(_) Mother

(_) Father

(_) Son

(_) Daughter

(_) Pet

 

Number of children living in household: ___

Number of children living in shed: ___

Number that are yours: ___

 

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

 

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

 

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

 

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck

____ bedroom

____ bathroom

____ kitchen

____ shed

 

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

 

Do you have a gun rack?

(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

 

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

(_) The National Enquirer

(_) The Globe

(_) TV Guide

(_) Soap Opera Digest

(_) Rifle and Shotgun

 

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

 

How often do you bathe:

(_) Weekly

(_) Monthly

(_) Not Applicable

 

Color of teeth:

(_) Yellow

(_) Brownish-Yellow

(_) Brown

(_) Black

(_) N/A

 

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

(_) Red-Man

 

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_) 1 mile

(_) 2 miles

(_) don't know

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 08, 2016, 04:08:51 AM
 ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 09, 2016, 05:23:11 AM

A family of three (mom, dad and a young girl) go down to Florida to visit a nudist camp.  The girl goes walking around on the beach, comes back to her mother and says,

 

"Mommy, mommy, women down here have bigger breasts than you." 

 

The mom replied, "That's right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are." 

     

The girl goes and walks around again.  She comes back to her mom and says,

 

"Mommy, mommy, guys down here have bigger penises than dad."

 

The mom replied, "That's right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are."

       

The girl goes on her way and comes running back to her mom again. "Mommy, Mommy, Dad is talking to this really dumb blonde, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Mar 09, 2016, 07:50:53 AM
 :o   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 10, 2016, 01:51:50 PM


                       Dump a whole bottle of detergent into the toilet tank.
                       This produces great billowing suds out of the bowl on first flush.
                       Especially great if first flusher is sitting at the time.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 11, 2016, 05:37:55 AM

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a
 fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that
 now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your
 skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how
 you die."
 
 The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some
 poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
 
 The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a
 pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and
 blows his brains out.
 
 The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he
 shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts
 jabbing himself all over --the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.
 There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is
 appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"
 
 The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe,
 shmuck!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 12, 2016, 03:32:30 AM

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff when another man
 with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside.  The dog is sat in the middle,
 and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man
 explains that they work for the airline.

 The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is,
 I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

 The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,
 "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search."

 The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a
 few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's
 arm.

 He says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is
 in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat
 number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

 "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

 Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles.  The dog sniffs about,
 sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places
 both paws on the handler's arm.

 The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making
 a note of this, and the seat number."

 "I like it!" says the first man.

 Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles.  Rover goes up and
 down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and
 then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and poops all over
the place.

 The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What is going
on?"

 The handler nervously replies "He just found a bomb!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 13, 2016, 06:27:17 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 13, 2016, 06:37:45 AM

                       70-year-old George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine,
                       but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said: "But you know Doc,
                       I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"
                       A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said: "Your husband's test results were fine
                       but he said something strange that has been bugging me.
                       He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."

                       Thelma exclaimed:      "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 14, 2016, 03:49:57 AM

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly
 announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister
 when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
 

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,
 and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 14, 2016, 04:06:15 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 14, 2016, 04:33:48 AM


                                 The Wife

             A guy brings a Antelope home , tells his wife it's a pet. She asks ,
            "Where are you going to keep it?" He repies , "In the bedroom."
            "But what about that horrible nasty smell?' , she asks.
            "I got used to you , I'm sure he will too!"




Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 14, 2016, 07:21:45 AM


                   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 15, 2016, 06:09:39 AM

Before and After Marriage

 Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
 After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

 Before - Ricky & Lucy.
 After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live.
 After - Monday Night Football.

 Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
 After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - The Sound of Music.
 After - The Sound of Silence.

Before - Is that all you are eating?
 After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.
 After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream.
 After - It's a nightmare.

Before - $60/dozen.
 After - $1.50/stem.

Before - Turbocharged.
 After - Needs a jump-start

Before - We agree on everything!
 After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria's Secret.
 After - Fruit of the Loom.

 Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
 After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol.
 After - Idle.

 Before - He's lost without me.
 After - Why can't he ask for directions?

 Before - When together, time stands still.
 After - This relationship is going nowhere.

 Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
 After - Bagels and instant coffee.

 Before - Oysters.
 After - Fishsticks.

 Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
 After - How the heck did I end up with someone like you?

 Before - Romeo and Juliet.
 After - Bill and Hillary..

 Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
 until I got married; and then it was too late."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 16, 2016, 04:06:39 AM

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "I'm
 a walking economy."

 His friend replies, "How so?"

 "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of
 inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep
 depression."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 16, 2016, 04:18:00 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 17, 2016, 03:54:58 AM

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage,
 a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large
 insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and
 arranging to have her killed.
 
 A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld
 figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband
 that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
 
 The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he
 wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
 insurance money.
 
 Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened
 up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
 Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the
 dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
 
 A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local
 Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce
 department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
 
 As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped
 to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled
 unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses
 behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
 
 Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden
 cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately
 called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could
 leave the store.
 
 Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed
 the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the
 hapless husband.
 
 And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline
 declared,
 
 "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 17, 2016, 04:09:17 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 18, 2016, 05:54:10 AM

A man was attempting to ride his bicycle from Phoenix to the
 Grand Canyon. He made it across the desert without incident,
 but when he reached the mountains, the steep grade wore
 him down. So, he decides to hitchhike.

Some time later, a car approaches and offers the cyclist a ride,
 but admits, "Your bicycle won't fit in the car." So, he opens his
 trunk and takes out a piece of rope. Then, he ties one end of
 the rope to the bicycle and the other end to his bumper.
 "You've got a horn on your bike... If I go too fast, honk your
 horn and I'll slow down."

 This scheme worked well for several miles, until another car
 zooms past. Not to be outdone, the man takes off in pursuit
 with the bicycle in tow.
 
 Both cars fly through a speed zone and an trooper's radar
 gun clocks them traveling at 120 mph. The trooper radios
 ahead to another officer and says, "You've got two vehicles
 headed your way and they're both doing over 120 mph."

 "10-4 good buddy," replies the fellow trooper.
 
 The first trooper hesitates a moment, then adds, "And, you're
 not going to believe this... there's a guy following on a bicycle
 and he's honking to pass!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 19, 2016, 06:13:34 AM

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy
 cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double
 take.

 He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks
 casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The store
 owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says
 "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch
 mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold,"
 and hands over the cat.

 The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could
 throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having
 to get a dish."

 And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this
 week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 20, 2016, 05:30:09 AM

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a
 dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not
 appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health
 department.
 
 They said since there was no health threat that he should call the
 sanitation department. The manager said he could not pick up the mule
 without authorization from the mayor.
 
 Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The
 mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the
 pastor called him anyway.
 
 The mayor did not disappoint him. He immediately began to rant and rave at
 the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your
 job to bury the dead?"
 
 The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his
 response. Then, he replied "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead,
 but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 20, 2016, 06:41:46 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 21, 2016, 05:01:26 AM

A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived
home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours
pass she becomes more and more concerned until at 8 p.m. the husband
finally pulls into the driveway. "What happened?" says the wife. "You
should have been home hours ago!" "Harry had a heart attack at the third
hole," replied the husband. "Oh, that's terrible," says the wife. "I
know," the husband answers. "All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry,
hit the ball, drag Harry..."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 22, 2016, 04:12:56 AM

A young couple drove several miles down a country road,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
 argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
 
 As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the
 husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
 
 "Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 22, 2016, 04:38:02 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 23, 2016, 05:12:37 AM

A guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu.  A few minutes later the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy if he knew what he wanted.  The guy says "I'd like a quickie."  The waitress flushes and says, "That's not funny.  Now, what would you like to order?"  The guys says, "I'd really like a quickie."  The waitress angrily storms off after this.

 

Another customer overheard the conversation.   He leans over and says to the guy, "I think, that it's pronounced quiche...."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Mar 23, 2016, 09:51:14 AM
Good one!!!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 23, 2016, 03:36:12 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 23, 2016, 03:42:51 PM


                          Newborn Baby

             Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says :

            "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?

            " Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really! Like a newborn baby?"

            "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants"


                 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 24, 2016, 03:18:07 AM


                     ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 24, 2016, 03:18:30 AM


More and more doctors are running their practices like an
 assembly lines. One fella walked into a doctor's office and
 the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
 So she took down his name, address, medical insurance
 number and told him to have a seat.

 Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him
 what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his
 height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to
 wait in the examining room.
 
 A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
 He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood
 pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all
 his clothes and wait for the doctor.
 
 An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
 He said, "Shingles."

 The doctor said, "Where?"

 He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 24, 2016, 04:13:01 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 24, 2016, 04:15:12 AM



               A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi are on a fishing trip. The Rabbi says he wants a drink,
               so he walks off the boat, across the water, and grabs the drink. A few minutes later,
               the Minister wants a drink too, and also walks across the water. The priest thinks to himself
              'If God lets them walk on water, he'll let me too, and leaves the boat. The priest sinks like a stone into the lake.
             
               The Rabbi turns to the Minister and says "guess he didn't know where the stepping stones were."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 24, 2016, 04:30:55 AM


                            ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 25, 2016, 05:25:42 AM

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this
 inscription:
 
 "You are not getting older. You are just getting better."
 
 Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not
 getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
 
 It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he
 discovered that the cake read:
 
 "YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP.
 YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 26, 2016, 03:22:21 AM

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, “Why do you keep looking in your pocket?”

The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I’ll go home.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 26, 2016, 06:33:12 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 26, 2016, 06:34:54 AM



                     Homeless Man
       A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.
      The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No.
      " Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 26, 2016, 01:02:35 PM



                                    ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 27, 2016, 03:47:14 AM

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/bitten.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/bitten.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 27, 2016, 04:13:51 AM

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort.

 

The first few weeks weren’t too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband

to sleep on the couch.

 

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife’s bedroom door.

 

"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"

 

Husband: "Guess who?"

 

Wife: "I know who it is!"

 

Husband: "Guess what I want?"

 

Wife: "I know what you want!"

 

Husband: "Guess what I’m knocking with?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 27, 2016, 05:16:23 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 27, 2016, 05:23:11 AM

      Red Lamp

 A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring liturgy of the passion of Christ in church on Good Friday.
 Suddenly the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father's sleeve, he said,
 "Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?"



               
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 28, 2016, 06:11:02 AM

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother,
 "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
 "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 28, 2016, 03:50:46 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 28, 2016, 04:07:15 PM


                                  Wolverine Joke                   
         
            What did Hugh Jackman, The marvel staff and Gavin Hood say to the naysayer fans?
     
            Complain all you want, You Made Our Movie Number One. Did you hear Wolverine's pun about Dorian Grey?

            It never gets old. How many writers of X-men Origins does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 
            One, but all the X-men fans will bitch about how bad a job they did doing it!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 29, 2016, 03:56:10 AM

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.
 The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him
 and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but,
 I want a divorce."

 The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
 She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it,
 because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and
 he's a much better lover than you."

 Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger
 increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband
 speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

 She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps
 driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

 She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the
 credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward
 a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you
 want?"

 The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

 She asks, "What's that?"

 The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,
 "I've got the airbag!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 29, 2016, 04:28:29 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 29, 2016, 04:30:40 AM
 

                            Social Security Sex

                            Two guys are sitting in a bar. One looks over at the other and asks how his sex life is going.
                            The second guy looks at him blankly for a moment and replies," Eh, i'm having social security sex.
                            " His buddy looked puzzled for a minute then finally asks "What the hell is social security sex?"

                            "Yeah well I get a little every month but its not enough to live on."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 29, 2016, 06:06:06 PM


                                    ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 30, 2016, 04:21:55 AM

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. 

 

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

 

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.  "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.  The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.  This was your Grandma's idea!!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 30, 2016, 04:33:16 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 30, 2016, 04:43:39 PM


                                    There was a robber and he went to this big house on a hill
                                     Well when he saw the Priest wasn't home he went into the house
                                     Before he had even taken two steps, he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you and so am I"
                                     The burglar turned around and saw a parrot in a cage "Oh it's just a stupid bird"
                                     he said Right after he took a couple more steps, he heard the parrot say "Jesus is watching you and so am I"
                                    "Shut up you stupid bird" he said As he continued he was about level with the dinning table when he heard the parrot say
                                    "Jesus is watching you and so am I"
                                      Before he could turn to say shut up he heard a low growl come from under the table and a huge pit bull came out
                                      The parrot said "Sic um Jesus"


               
                   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Mar 30, 2016, 05:08:58 PM
n ice one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 31, 2016, 04:09:15 AM

Baby Boomers - Then and Now

 Then: Long hair.
 Now: Longing for hair.
*
 Then: Keg
 Now: EKG.
*
 Then: Acid rock
 Now: Acid reflux.
*
 Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
 Now: Moving to California because it's warm.
*
 Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
 Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.
*
 Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
 Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
*
 Then: Paar.
 Now: AARP.
*
 Then: Killer weed.
 Now: Weed killer.
*
 Then: The Grateful Dead.
 Now: Dr. Kevorkian.
*
 Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
 Now: Getting a new hip joint.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 31, 2016, 03:27:21 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 01, 2016, 05:20:10 AM

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/05.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/05.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 02, 2016, 04:46:40 AM

A young boy goes into a store, picks the biggest box of detergent,
 and heaves it onto the counter.

 "My, my!" says the checker. "What's a little boy like you doing with
 a big box of washing detergent?"

 "I'm going to wash my dog!" the boy replies.

 The checker gasps. "But that will kill him! You can't do that!"

 No matter how hard the checker argues with the little boy, he won't
 listen to her. The next day, the checker sees the little boy walking
 around the store, looking sad. She walks up to him and says, "What's
 the matter?"

 He frowns and says, "My dog died yesterday."

 The lady says, "Well, I told you he would! It was the detergent,
 wasn't it?"

 The little boy looks up at her and says, "Actually, I think it was
 the spin cycle."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 02, 2016, 04:53:29 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 03, 2016, 06:01:30 AM

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/joke11.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/joke11.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 03, 2016, 06:38:00 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 04, 2016, 04:24:43 AM

It was late at night and Alison, who was expecting her second
 child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn.
When Alison started to go into labor, she called "911." Due to a
 power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn
 to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he
 helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Alison pushed and
 pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic
 lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor
 began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the
 wide-eyed 3 year old Katelyn what she thought about what she
 had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there
 in the first place. Spank him again!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 04, 2016, 07:42:24 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 04, 2016, 04:08:36 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 05, 2016, 04:46:10 AM

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a
 fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room,
 peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
 "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
 yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and
 horrible death this year."

 Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then
 at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took
 a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
 She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked
 her question.

 "Will I be acquitted?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 05, 2016, 03:59:58 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 06, 2016, 05:00:22 AM

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/history-nell_gwynn-innuendo-sexual_innuendo-boob_joke-breast_joke-cgon1088_low.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/history-nell_gwynn-innuendo-sexual_innuendo-boob_joke-breast_joke-cgon1088_low.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 06, 2016, 04:20:49 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 07, 2016, 05:06:05 AM

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
 The following exchange takes place.... The man says, "What's
 the problem officer?"
 
 Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
 
 Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
 
 Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
 
 Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
 
 Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
 
 Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
 (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
 
 Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."
 
 Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
 
 Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
 
 The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
 
 The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your
 husband talk to you this way all the time?"
 
 The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 07, 2016, 02:52:26 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 07, 2016, 03:02:47 PM


                           New England Home

                          My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.
                          Winter was fast approaching and the years first snow came early and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation.
                         
                         "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.
                          One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.

                          My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
                          "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 07, 2016, 03:27:02 PM


                         ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 08, 2016, 04:05:37 AM
                            Ice Fishing

                      There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing.
                      Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish
                      Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently.

                      A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back. "A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 08, 2016, 04:23:45 AM


                              ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 08, 2016, 04:25:19 AM

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/risque-penis-size-humor-postcard.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/risque-penis-size-humor-postcard.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 08, 2016, 03:16:16 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 08, 2016, 03:25:13 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 09, 2016, 04:14:43 AM


  (http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/customer-service-joke.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/customer-service-joke.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 09, 2016, 06:00:49 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 10, 2016, 05:21:04 AM

One day, a 4th grader came home from school and asks his father. "Dad, everyone in class can count to 100, but I can only count to 10. How come?"

 

His father says, "Well son, that's because you're from  West Virginia."

 

The next day, the 4th grader came home from school and says. "Dad, today everyone in class recited the entire alphabet. I only know up to the letter 'L.' How come?"

 

Again, his father replies, "Well, that's because you're from West Virginia."

 

Then one day, the 4th grader came home and was all excited, wearing a smile from ear to ear. He says, "Dad! Dad!  Today, we were in gym class, and all the boys had little penises, but mine was huge! Is that 'cause I'm from West Virginia??" 

 

His father replies, "No son, that's because you're 28 years old."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 10, 2016, 05:55:11 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 10, 2016, 06:07:03 AM



                     There were three nuns,
                They all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I'll bless you.
               So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was.
               She said, "I had sex with a guy." The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water.
               So she did! The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was. She said,
              "I got in a fight with another nun." So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water. So she did!
               The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did. And as she was laughing she said,
               "I peed in the holy water!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 10, 2016, 09:07:45 AM


                          ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 11, 2016, 05:22:47 AM


             This one is for all of you who either:
 a) have kids
 b) have grown kids
 c) were a kid
 d) know a kid!
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter
 was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of
 her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck
 her fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"
 pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her
 fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong
 honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?" ???
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 11, 2016, 07:31:09 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 11, 2016, 04:04:42 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 11, 2016, 04:20:48 PM
 



                       Elevator

               An Amish family from Pennslyvania decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Mother, Father and their son.
              They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator.
              Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered.

              While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes.
             The amish family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again.
             The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful! Paw looks at his son and says,
             "Quick boy, shove your mother in there!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 12, 2016, 04:07:14 AM

Sister Mary and Sister Agnes were driving along one day in Sister Mary's car, when all of a sudden a vampire bat landed on the windshield. Sister Mary was astonished and frightened. "Oh, my goodness! What should I do?" she asked. 
"Do yer windshield wipers work?" asked Sister Agnes. "Why, yes," replied Sister Mary. "Well, turn on yer windshield wipers," suggested Sister Agnes. So Sister Mary turned on the windshield wipers, but it failed to dislodge the bat. "NOW what do I do?" she asked. 

"Do ya have fluid in yer windshield sprayer?" asked Sister Agnes. "Why, yes," replied Sister Mary. "In fact, it's holy water, from the Vatican." "Then spray the bat with it," suggested Sister Agnes. So Sister Mary activated the windshield sprayers, but it failed to dislodge the bat. "NOW what do I do?" she asked. 

"Do ya have yer rosary with ya?" asked Sister Agnes. "Why, yes," replied Sister Mary. "Well, show him yer cross," suggested Sister Agnes. So Sister Mary rolled down the window and leaned out, and she shouted "Hey, you frickin' bat! Get off my damn car!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 12, 2016, 04:08:52 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 12, 2016, 05:25:23 PM


                What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?

                CHELSEA


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 13, 2016, 04:44:06 AM


             Good One! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 13, 2016, 04:44:32 AM

Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself.
 However, his clone was very obnoxious and lewd, while
 the scientist was well received and respected.
 
 Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw
 his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing
 the clone.
 
 He was arrested by the local police for... making an
 obscene clone fall.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 13, 2016, 03:35:30 PM
 

            nice    ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 13, 2016, 03:37:32 PM




                          Why do Retirees smile all the time
                         
                           Because they can't hear a word you're saying!     :)

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: chuckrudy on Apr 13, 2016, 03:58:43 PM
I know so true.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 15, 2016, 03:55:52 AM


                       Moon Landing 
               
                      After the Americans went to the Moon, the Soviets announced that they would be sending a man to the Sun.
                     The engineers objected. "If you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!"
                     "What do you think I am, stupid?" he replied. "We'll send him at night!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 16, 2016, 06:00:15 AM


                       What's the worst part of having a beard?
                       Being confused as a hipster.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 17, 2016, 03:28:58 AM

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.

 When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

 When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his
forehead.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 17, 2016, 05:40:17 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 17, 2016, 05:41:36 AM


                          What happens when you sing country music backwards?

                          You get your wife and job back.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 17, 2016, 07:16:19 AM

                          What happens when you sing country music backwards?

                          You get your wife and job back.
                I guess that's why I don't sing in either direction! LOL
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 18, 2016, 04:31:31 AM




Subject: DEADLY TERMS: Used By A Woman



 

1.        FINE - THIS IS THE WORD A WOMEN USE TO END AN ARGUMENT WHEN SHE KNOWES SHE IS RIGHT AND YOU NEED TO SHUT UP.

 

2.        NOTHING - MEANS SOMETHING AND YOU NEED TO BE WORRIED.

 

3.        GO AHEAD - THIS IS A DARE, NOT PERMISSION, DO NOT DO IT.

 

4.        WHATEVER - A WOMAN’S WAY OF SAYING “SCREW YOU”.

 

5.       THAT’S OK - SHE IS THINKING LONG AND HARD ON HOW AND WHEN YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR MISTAKE.

 

BONUS WORD: WOW! - THIS IS NOT A COMPLIMENT.  SHE’S AMAZED THAT ONE PERSON COULD BE SO STUPID.

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 18, 2016, 05:04:14 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 18, 2016, 05:10:42 PM


                      Place a coin on the ground and wait for someone to bend down to pick it up.

                      As they do, tear a piece of fabric and the'll think they just burst their pants.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 19, 2016, 05:08:28 AM

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/5289-old-fisherman-joke-humor-birthday-father-greeting-card-daniel-collins.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/5289-old-fisherman-joke-humor-birthday-father-greeting-card-daniel-collins.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 19, 2016, 04:52:45 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 19, 2016, 05:00:43 PM
         

            Woman's fishing advice : 

            Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
            But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

           Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 
           The only reason your husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him,

           "Wow, that's a big one!"




 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 20, 2016, 05:21:07 AM


                                 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 20, 2016, 05:21:29 AM


If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for
 six months. I could deal with that.
  Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I
 could deal with that, too.

 If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of
 walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute
 cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

 If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
 You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get
 out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

 If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
 He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

 Yup..... I wanna be a bear.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 21, 2016, 03:43:23 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 21, 2016, 03:44:55 AM


               Married life is very frustrating.

             In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
             In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
             In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 21, 2016, 04:46:11 AM


                    ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 21, 2016, 04:46:29 AM

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who
 was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took
 him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring
 your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll
 talk about it."
 After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they
 could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where
 his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your
 grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your
 hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been
 thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair,
 Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 21, 2016, 03:23:30 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 21, 2016, 03:34:34 PM


                    Cold Winter
           The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer,
           the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

           Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked,
          "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed.
         
          " So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.
            A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
           "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter.

           " So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.
             Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?"

            "Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 21, 2016, 05:15:33 PM



                           ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 22, 2016, 04:01:48 AM

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/Hillbillymotorcycl1Resized.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/Hillbillymotorcycl1Resized.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Apr 22, 2016, 07:04:03 AM
Good one Jeff !
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 22, 2016, 02:34:12 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 23, 2016, 04:29:26 AM

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was very concerned.
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 23, 2016, 06:43:42 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 23, 2016, 06:46:37 AM


                        Fishing vs Sex
     
               You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and make it promises.

               When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

               Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

               In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In love you lie to still be friends after you let it go.

               You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

               You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

               Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 24, 2016, 04:30:34 AM

An Ode to Beer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed by thy drink.
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk)
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage’s,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, the lager,
For ever and ever
Barmen
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 24, 2016, 06:29:29 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 24, 2016, 06:39:32 AM


                   A vegetarian has a carrot sticking out of one ear, celery out of the other, and a mushroom up his nose.

                   He goes to the doctor and asks him what's wrong. The doctor tells him,

                 "Well, for one thing, you're not eating right."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 24, 2016, 07:10:03 AM
 



                                    ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 25, 2016, 05:03:32 AM


A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 25, 2016, 05:51:32 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 25, 2016, 06:00:43 PM


                    What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?

                     A visitor .....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 26, 2016, 03:54:10 AM



                     ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 26, 2016, 03:54:28 AM

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings
 the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy
 goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
  "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

 "So, what's your story?"

 The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and
 I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no
 time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with
 spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
 eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

 The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
 younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport
 to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious
 characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and
 was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now
 I'm just retired."

 The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
 for the dog.

 The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the
 owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

 The owner replies, "Because he's such a liar."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 26, 2016, 03:55:41 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 27, 2016, 05:07:46 AM

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag full of fruit and said, "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit and you tell me which fruit I'm talking about. Alright, the first one is round, plump, and red. Little Johnny raised his hand high but the teacher ignored him and picked Deborah who promptly answered, "Apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now the second one is soft, fuzzy and colored red and brown." Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him but she calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, it's a potato, but I like your thinking," the teacher replies. "Okay the next one is long, yellow, and fairly hard." Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically but the teacher calls on Sally who say, "A banana." The teacher responds, "No, it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is irritated now so he speaks up loudly, "Hey, I've got one for you teacher. Let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it. It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries, "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 28, 2016, 03:37:29 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 28, 2016, 04:39:35 AM

A man complained to his doctor that his wife never wanted to have sex. The doctor told him to bring her in for a checkup. When she arrived, the doctor asked her about her libido.

“Well, doctor,” she replied, “the truth is that every morning I take a cab to work and the cabbie always asks me, ‘So are you gonna pay today or what?’ And since we don’t have much money, I always give him the ‘or what’.”

“That makes me late for work so my boss yells at me, ‘So are we going to dock your salary or what?’ And since we need the money, I always give him the ‘or what.’ By the time I get home, I don’t feel like having any more sex.”

“Hmmmmm,” thought the doctor, “I see. So, are we going to tell your husband about this, or what?”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 28, 2016, 05:56:22 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 29, 2016, 04:39:09 AM


There were two cannibals who captured a man. They decided it would be fair if they started eating from opposite ends. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asked the other one, "How's it going down there?" And the other one replies, "I'm having a ball!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 29, 2016, 06:36:00 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 29, 2016, 06:42:07 PM



                    What does a superhero put in his beverages?

                    Just ice  !!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 30, 2016, 03:34:29 AM

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,
 a State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to
 himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns
 on his lights and pulls the driver over.
 
 Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies in the
 car, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused
 says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing the speed limit!
 What seems to be the problem?"
 
 "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should
 know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
 other drivers."
 
 "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
 exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
 
 The State Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22
 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman
 grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
 
 "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask are the other ladies OK?
 These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep
 this whole time," the officer asks.
 
 "Oh, they'll probably be fine in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 30, 2016, 04:37:23 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 01, 2016, 04:12:29 AM

A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says, "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 01, 2016, 06:36:34 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 01, 2016, 06:47:50 AM


         Grandmas Ipod

       "You're So Varicose Vein" by Carly Simon
        How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?" by the BeeGees
       "I Can't See Clearly Now" by Johnny Nash
        "These Boots Give Me Arthritis" by Nancy Sinatra
        "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom" by the Commodores
        "I Get By with a Little Help from Depends" by the Beatles
        "Talking' �Bout My Medication" by the Who
        "You Can't Always Pee When You Want" by the Rolling Stones
        "I Heard It through the Grape Nuts" by Marvin Gaye


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 01, 2016, 10:01:44 AM



                         ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 02, 2016, 04:42:06 PM



                                Why is sex like a thunderstorm?
                           
                               "You never know how many inches you'll get and how long it'll last."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 02, 2016, 07:55:05 PM


                               ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 03, 2016, 01:55:36 AM


                                 Top 10 Things Men Understand About Women

 1.
 2.
 3.
 4.
 5.
 6.
 7.
 8.
 9.
 10.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 03, 2016, 03:34:29 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on May 03, 2016, 06:42:50 AM
LMAO!   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 04, 2016, 04:57:23 AM

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old
 gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous
 destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the
 dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
 
 He called them into his shop: "I know that on your pension you could never
 hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my
 expense, and I won't take no for an answer".
 
 He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and
 book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly
 accepted, and were off!
 
 About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.
 
 "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
 
 "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said.
 
 "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old
 guy I had to share the room with?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 04, 2016, 06:01:50 AM



An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. ‘Fred,’ he replies.

‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.

‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.


The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’

The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Johnson.

I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’

The officer walked away in tears, laughing


   

 
 

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 04, 2016, 04:29:16 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 04, 2016, 04:42:56 PM
 

            Rabbi

               An orthodox Rabbi dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels
               approach, and begins to get excited. The lead angel approaches the Rabbi and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment.
               Shocked, the Rabbi does so. The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates.
               The man is an Egged bus driver [Egged, pronounced like egg-head without the h, is the Israeli tour bus company.]
               The joyous parade of angels carry the bus driver in ahead of the Rabbi. When the parade is gone, an angel returns to the Rabbi and says,
               "You can come in now." The angel begins to lead the Rabbi inside alone. The Rabbi, somewhat confused, says,
                "I'm not one to make waves or anything, but I need to know something. I think I've been a good Rabbi. I've worked hard all my life
              . Why is it that the Egged bus driver gets led in by a band of angels ahead of me?" The angel says,
               "Well, frankly, Rabbi, whenever you preached, people slept. But whenever he drove, people prayed."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 05, 2016, 03:57:30 AM



                             ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 05, 2016, 03:57:49 AM


There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on May 05, 2016, 06:09:32 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 06, 2016, 03:28:40 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 06, 2016, 03:37:16 AM

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman
 pincher and the other had a Chihuahua.
  As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said
 to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

 The one with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got
 dogs with us."

 The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked
 over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark
 glasses and started to walk in.

 The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed."

 The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is
 my Seeing-Eye dog."

 The bouncer said, "A Doberman pincher?"

 The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

 The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

 The lady with the Chihuahua figured 'what the heck', so she put
 on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

 Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

 The one with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is
 my Seeing-Eye dog."

 The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

 The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave
 me a darn Chihuahua?!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 06, 2016, 05:15:09 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 07, 2016, 04:15:32 AM

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression
 he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw
 it into the river."
 
 With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the
 world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
 
 And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the
 world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
 
 The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a
 smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365:
 
 "Shall We Gather at the River."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 07, 2016, 06:48:42 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 07, 2016, 06:51:36 AM




                                       What does HMO stand for?
                                   
                                       Hand Money Over!

                                       How Many Obstacles!
 
                                       Healthy Members Only!
                         
                                       Horrible Medical Organization!

                                       Healthy Men Only


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 08, 2016, 04:18:29 AM


                            ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 08, 2016, 04:19:12 AM
There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here." The blonde replied, "I can and I will." The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. "Ma'am, we really can't have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy." "You can't make me move." The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn't work. Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her. After a quick chat with her, she moved. The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, "I told her first class wasn't going to Detroit."
 

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 08, 2016, 06:23:12 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 08, 2016, 06:26:12 AM


                   A catholic school teacher was teaching a lesson one morning and asked his students where Jesus was.
                 "Yes Susie" he said as he called on Susie whose hand was raised.
                 "He's in heaven!" She shouted with pride.

                  He called on Steven who said "He was in his heart"
         
                 The only boy left with his hand raised with had the most unusual answer
                "He's in my bathroom!" Everyone had a puzzled look on his/her face.

               "Yeah!" Said the boy..
               "My father bangs on the door every morning saying 'Jesus Christ, ya still in there?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 09, 2016, 03:57:21 AM


                   Growing Old

 Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
*
 Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
*
 Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
*
 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their
 diets.
 *
 You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that
 you once got from a roller coaster.
*
 Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put
 them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
*
 My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
*
 Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.
*
 God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I
 am so far behind, I will never die.
*
 It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask
 you the questions.
*
 If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
*
 Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling."
 **caution - leave air holes.
*
 I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
*
 There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
*
 The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right
 place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
*
 The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
*
 The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm
 doing, someone else does.
*
 The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
 body and your fat are really good friends.
*
 Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
*
 Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
*
 Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
*
 You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you
 stop laughing.
*
 I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
*
 I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and
 setting my pantyhose on fire.
*
 WOMEN: Remember, as we get older we no longer have hot flashes. We
 now have power surges.
*
 Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks
 two sizes.
*
 Age is important only if you're a cheese.
*
 Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
*
 Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can
 usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
*
 Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
 
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 09, 2016, 04:55:13 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 10, 2016, 03:36:50 AM



                   Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?
                   Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 10, 2016, 04:23:09 AM


                           ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 10, 2016, 04:23:27 AM

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 10, 2016, 05:01:57 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 11, 2016, 03:47:55 AM


There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 11, 2016, 04:34:05 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 12, 2016, 05:14:03 AM

Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?" The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 12, 2016, 05:08:04 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 12, 2016, 05:12:54 PM
 
                 A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost.

                " "What do you mean almost?" questions the priest. "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
                "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest.

                "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

                The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box.
                He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave.

               The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
             
               "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 13, 2016, 04:04:01 AM


                   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 13, 2016, 04:04:45 AM



A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an a-hole!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 14, 2016, 04:09:26 AM

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 15, 2016, 04:11:05 AM

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 16, 2016, 03:40:38 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 16, 2016, 04:27:23 AM

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 16, 2016, 05:34:05 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 16, 2016, 05:39:03 PM



                   Q: How do you fit 10 Amish in a VW Beetle?
                   A: Tell them you are going to the livestock auction


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 17, 2016, 03:57:32 AM


                 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 17, 2016, 03:57:52 AM

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 18, 2016, 03:26:39 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 18, 2016, 05:40:21 AM


A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" The first man replied, "A thought. It just pops into your head. There's no warning." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm, let me see, a blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house, and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is Diarrhea." "What!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure," said Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already pooped my pants." Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 18, 2016, 05:58:04 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 18, 2016, 06:04:37 PM


                  Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
                " A: "You can't tuna fish."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 19, 2016, 03:45:35 AM


                      ::) ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 19, 2016, 03:45:55 AM


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: buckblaster on May 19, 2016, 01:48:20 PM
Haha  8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 20, 2016, 03:41:47 AM
 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 20, 2016, 03:42:36 AM


              Q: What does marriage do?
              A: Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 20, 2016, 03:53:21 AM


                               ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 20, 2016, 03:53:44 AM


Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 20, 2016, 04:34:42 PM
 ::) ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 21, 2016, 04:39:06 AM

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 21, 2016, 11:56:45 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 21, 2016, 11:57:40 AM


                           Why is Hillary Clinton running for President?

                           Because it's easier than running from Law Enforcement.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 22, 2016, 04:59:24 AM



                     ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 22, 2016, 04:59:43 AM


After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 22, 2016, 07:09:25 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 22, 2016, 01:08:32 PM


                 Q: Why was the blonde standing outside the department store in the rain?

                 A: She was waiting to cash her rain check!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 23, 2016, 03:47:16 AM


                   ::) ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 23, 2016, 03:47:44 AM


   
              Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 24, 2016, 03:26:37 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 24, 2016, 04:29:13 AM


A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 24, 2016, 06:43:27 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 24, 2016, 06:46:55 PM
                     

  Knock Knock Who's there
  Dishes! Dishes who?
  Dishes the Police come out with your hands up.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 25, 2016, 04:18:18 AM


                            ::) ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 25, 2016, 04:18:42 AM


A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. "Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!" She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!" The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 25, 2016, 05:41:39 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 25, 2016, 05:47:57 PM

                Rabbi
           An orthodox Rabbi dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels
           approach, and begins to get excited. The lead angel approaches the Rabbi and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment.
           Shocked, the Rabbi does so. The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates.
           The man is an Egged bus driver [Egged, pronounced like egg-head without the h, is the Israeli tour bus company.]
           The joyous parade of angels carry the bus driver in ahead of the Rabbi. When the parade is gone, an angel returns to the Rabbi
           and says, "You can come in now." The angel begins to lead the Rabbi inside alone. The Rabbi, somewhat confused, says,
           "I'm not one to make waves or anything, but I need to know something. I think I've been a good Rabbi.
            I've worked hard all my life. Why is it that the Egged bus driver gets led in by a band of angels ahead of me?
            " The angel says, "Well, frankly, Rabbi, whenever you preached, people slept
            But whenever he drove, people prayed."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 26, 2016, 05:00:56 AM


                       ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 26, 2016, 05:01:28 AM


It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 26, 2016, 05:25:41 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 26, 2016, 05:39:17 PM


                  What is Spider-mans favourite brand of Rice?

                   Uncle Bens   !!!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 27, 2016, 04:05:08 AM


                    :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 27, 2016, 04:05:30 AM


10 Facts About You:
1. You're reading this now.
2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact.
4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid.
9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8.
10.You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.
11. You're enjoying this.
12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 28, 2016, 05:49:33 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 28, 2016, 06:06:28 AM


                 Final Request

                An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests.

                She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
               
                she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed.

                "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 28, 2016, 06:19:39 AM


                      ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 28, 2016, 06:20:00 AM


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 29, 2016, 05:21:02 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 29, 2016, 05:24:01 AM



                   Vietnam War

           During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle.
          "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?
          " The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 29, 2016, 06:02:22 AM


A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 30, 2016, 05:51:45 AM



New Seat Belt law

This becomes effective 1 st January 2017   in ALL Countries.


 



The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly Designed seat belt.

Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95% when the belt is properly installed.


 



Correct Installation is illustrated below...

Please pass on to family and friends.


 


This can really save lives and lower blood pressure by 40%


HELP SAVE A LIFE!

(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/seat%20belt%20law.png) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/seat%20belt%20law.png.html)
 






I KNOW....YOU SMILED. 



 


 


 

 

 


 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 30, 2016, 06:48:06 AM
 :) :)  Nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 31, 2016, 03:27:25 AM


             A Fine Shot

             A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree.
             Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.
            'Who is this incredibly fine archer?' cried the duke.'I must find him!'
             After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow.
             Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.
            'You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?'
             asked the duke worriedly. 'No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.'
            'That is truly astonishing,' said the duke. 'I hereby admit you into my service.'
             The boy thanked him profusely.
             'But I must ask one favor in return,' the duke continued.
             'You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.'
             'Well,' said the boy, 'first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it.'


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 31, 2016, 05:07:53 AM


                            ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 31, 2016, 05:08:26 AM


Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 31, 2016, 06:34:56 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 01, 2016, 05:27:58 AM


            A little boy was asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" "A doctor." "And why's that?" "Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 01, 2016, 05:53:36 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 01, 2016, 05:54:44 PM


                    Why do 60 percent of women believe in ghosts?

                    Because they've seen how fast men disappear after sex!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 02, 2016, 03:55:02 AM


                                         ;)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 02, 2016, 03:55:25 AM



                    We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have Obama, no cash, and no hope.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 03, 2016, 03:29:13 AM

A blonde goes to the doctor's and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what's wrong. She replies, "I know who the dad is for one of them but I don't know who the dad is for the other one!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 03, 2016, 03:31:40 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 03, 2016, 03:33:45 AM


            A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house.
            A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

           She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented:
          "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box.
         
          " The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 04, 2016, 03:47:45 AM



                        ::) ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 04, 2016, 03:48:11 AM


A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 05, 2016, 07:19:34 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 05, 2016, 07:28:18 AM


                    `You seem to be visibly distressed,' said the judge to the witness.
                    `Is anything the matter?'

                    "Well, your Honour," said the witness,
                    "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth,
                     but every time I try, some lawyer objects."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 05, 2016, 07:31:55 AM


                                 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 05, 2016, 07:32:13 AM


A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 06, 2016, 03:44:54 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 06, 2016, 04:05:48 AM

A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, "What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!" Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, "Honey, can you fix the faucet?" The husband replied, "What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!" Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, "Honey, can you change the light bulb?" His reply was, "What am I? An electrician?!" A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, "Honey, what happened here?" The wife replies, "You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything." The husband says, "Honey, how did you pay him?!" "Oh, you know," the wife says, "he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him." Somewhat relieved the husband asks, "Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?" The wife replies, "Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 07, 2016, 03:32:42 AM

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your butt!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 07, 2016, 03:41:34 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 07, 2016, 07:17:33 AM
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/13220939_10154045902371885_8662488190946969449_n.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/13220939_10154045902371885_8662488190946969449_n.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 07, 2016, 06:09:56 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 07, 2016, 06:14:07 PM


             
                What's the mating call of the blonde?
               "I'm sooooo drunk!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 08, 2016, 03:32:35 AM


                 What do zombies like to eat at barbeques?

                 HALLOWEENies!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 08, 2016, 04:49:10 AM


                       ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 08, 2016, 04:49:40 AM


A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?"

"No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 08, 2016, 05:46:24 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 08, 2016, 05:51:17 PM



            There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing.
            Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish.
            Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently.
            A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back.
           "A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 08, 2016, 05:58:44 PM



                      ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 09, 2016, 05:12:31 AM


A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 09, 2016, 07:25:06 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 09, 2016, 07:39:58 AM



                    Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?

                    Toes go in first.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 10, 2016, 04:18:43 AM


                                     ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 10, 2016, 04:19:11 AM


Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in heaven?"

God replied, "$1 million."

Joe asked, "How long is a minute in heaven?"

God said, "One million years."

Joe asked for a penny.

God said, "Sure, in a minute."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 10, 2016, 05:49:08 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 10, 2016, 05:50:12 PM



               What is a superhero's favorite part of the joke?

               The   "punch" line!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 11, 2016, 05:10:20 AM



                                   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 11, 2016, 05:11:02 AM


God's plan for aging

 
Most seniors never get enough exercise.  In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.
 
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
 
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.
God looked down and saw that it was good.
 
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will.  It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
 
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9   Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8   Life is sexually transmitted.

#7   Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6   Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5   Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4   Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3   All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism.

#2   In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1   Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 11, 2016, 05:39:46 AM


(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/crazy%20horses.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/crazy%20horses.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 11, 2016, 06:34:22 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 11, 2016, 06:44:32 AM





                                 A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.
                                 When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck,
                                 so they put the meal on the duck's bill.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 11, 2016, 09:16:25 AM


                             ::) ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 12, 2016, 04:01:05 AM

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."

He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 12, 2016, 06:01:29 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 12, 2016, 06:18:47 AM


                                                               (http://i1210.photobucket.com/albums/cc419/NEK-Sportsmen/dc1fca51f54f1b076ca1c010799c7086%20%20breast%20chicken_zpsp3qazwuj.jpg) (http://s1210.photobucket.com/user/NEK-Sportsmen/media/dc1fca51f54f1b076ca1c010799c7086%20%20breast%20chicken_zpsp3qazwuj.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 12, 2016, 03:08:33 PM


                    ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 12, 2016, 03:08:57 PM


(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/Coke.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/Coke.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 13, 2016, 03:51:34 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 13, 2016, 04:10:21 AM


Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: loonyone on Jun 13, 2016, 06:37:25 AM

                                                               (http://i1210.photobucket.com/albums/cc419/NEK-Sportsmen/dc1fca51f54f1b076ca1c010799c7086%20%20breast%20chicken_zpsp3qazwuj.jpg) (http://s1210.photobucket.com/user/NEK-Sportsmen/media/dc1fca51f54f1b076ca1c010799c7086%20%20breast%20chicken_zpsp3qazwuj.jpg.html)



hehehehehehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 14, 2016, 04:31:11 AM

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!" Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 14, 2016, 06:13:25 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 14, 2016, 06:14:27 PM
                 


                       What does a superhero put in his beverages?

                       Just ice.




 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 15, 2016, 04:03:37 AM


                   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 15, 2016, 04:04:28 AM


A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?" The Harvard student replies "At Harvard, you don’t end a sentence with a preposition." The kid said, "Sorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, a$$hole!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 15, 2016, 05:31:38 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 15, 2016, 05:40:14 PM


             A blonde was speeding in a 25 mile per hour residental zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over.
            The female police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde.

             She asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman,
            "What does a driver's license look like?' Irritated, the blonde cop said, "Don't be a smartass!, it's got your picture on it!"

            The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
            She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman.

           The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And,
            if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 15, 2016, 07:10:49 PM


                      ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 16, 2016, 05:07:20 AM

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.

Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"

She replies, "Soup and ice cream.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 16, 2016, 05:58:04 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 16, 2016, 05:59:04 PM




                       Why did the man wear his wedding ring on the wrong finger?

                       Because he was married to the wrong woman.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 17, 2016, 03:37:24 AM





                                Why did the chicken go to Burger King?
                                To see a chicken strip.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 17, 2016, 05:58:57 AM


                             ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 17, 2016, 05:59:17 AM


A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 17, 2016, 05:05:27 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 17, 2016, 05:14:39 PM




                  A blonde was speeding in a 25 mile per hour residental zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over.
                  The female police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde.

                  She asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman,
                 "What does a driver's license look like?' Irritated, the blonde cop said, "Don't be a smartass!, it's got your picture on it!"

                  The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
                  She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman.
         
                  The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,
                  "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 18, 2016, 06:40:21 AM


                                   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 18, 2016, 06:40:43 AM

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. 
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 18, 2016, 05:49:10 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 18, 2016, 05:50:34 PM


                      What did the Tree Hugging hottie say to the guy in the SUV?

                     "Turning off your Engine, gets my motor humming"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 19, 2016, 04:16:24 AM



                        ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 19, 2016, 04:16:49 AM


A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."

 Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."

 Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"

 Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."

 Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."

 Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 19, 2016, 04:11:03 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 19, 2016, 04:12:09 PM





                         Why were there African Americans in Vermont?
                         Because they were in the witness protection program!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 20, 2016, 04:04:55 AM


                   :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 20, 2016, 04:05:16 AM




                            An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Hollywood on Jun 20, 2016, 02:37:28 PM
Two guys stole a calendar.
They each got six months...
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 20, 2016, 05:30:26 PM


    Nice one    ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 20, 2016, 05:53:57 PM
                   What kind of rings do men need for marriage
                   Engagement Ring
                   Wedding Ring
                   Suffe-Ring
                   Endu-Ring


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 21, 2016, 04:29:31 AM



                            ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 21, 2016, 05:31:51 PM



                             Why do ducks fly over Boston upside down?

                             There's nothing worth craping on!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 22, 2016, 03:40:13 AM



                    How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies?
                 
                   Theres M&M shells all over the floor


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 22, 2016, 03:41:54 AM




                               ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 22, 2016, 03:42:43 AM

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 22, 2016, 05:55:31 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 22, 2016, 06:07:27 PM



                         A catholic school teacher was teaching a lesson one morning and asked his students where Jesus was.
                        "Yes Susie" he said as he called on Susie whose hand was raised.

                        "He's in heaven!" She shouted with pride. He called on Steven who said
                        "He was in his heart" The only boy left with his hand raised with had the most unusual answer

                        "He's in my bathroom!" Everyone had a puzzled look on his/her face. "Yeah!" Said the boy..
                        "My father bangs on the door every morning !         
                        " Jesus Christ, ya still in there?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 23, 2016, 03:43:34 AM


                           ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 23, 2016, 03:43:58 AM



A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 23, 2016, 05:45:59 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 23, 2016, 05:51:12 PM


                          You know you are a blonde if you believe shopping is a calorie burner.....


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 24, 2016, 03:54:56 AM


                     ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 24, 2016, 03:55:38 AM


A wife told her husband to whisper her dirty things, the man then replied, "The kitchen, the living room, the conservatory and the dining room."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 24, 2016, 05:34:12 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 24, 2016, 05:42:03 PM



                                   Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven.
                                   Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.
                                  "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.
                                  "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven
                                  " Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.
                                  "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied.
                                  "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven,
                                  " he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her,
                                  "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 25, 2016, 04:49:57 AM


                      ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 25, 2016, 04:50:34 AM

A Canadian guy, an American guy, a Japanese guy, and a Middle Eastern guy walk into a bar.
 They all have a couple of beers, and get to bragging.
 The American guy boasts, "I'm so lucky, I have 4 beautiful children, one more and I would have a basketball team."
 Not to be outdone, the Canadian guy retorts, "I am luckier than you, I have 5 gifted children, one more and I could form a hockey team."
 So, the Japanese guy chimes in with, "Well, I surely have both of you topped. I have 8 children. Just one more and I would have a baseball team."
 Pausing, briefly, the Middle Eastern guy replies, "Well, I am betting I have all you fools beat. my harem houses 17 wives, one more and I would have a golf course!".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 25, 2016, 06:11:48 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 25, 2016, 06:12:25 AM



                           Only Smart People Will Get This: 2+2= Fish, 3+3= Eight, 7+7= Triangle, 4+4 = Arrow, 8+8 = Butterfly


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 26, 2016, 04:28:58 AM


                        :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 26, 2016, 04:30:34 AM

This is Punography at it's best!

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 26, 2016, 06:54:48 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 26, 2016, 06:57:25 AM




                            British General

                        "Well," snarled the tough old General Cornwallis to the bewildered soldier.
                        "I suppose after you get discharged from the army,
                        you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."
                       "Not me, General!" the soldier replied. "Once I get out of the army,
                        I'm never going to stand in line again!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 27, 2016, 04:13:32 AM


                           :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 27, 2016, 04:13:53 AM


A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 27, 2016, 05:49:44 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 27, 2016, 05:53:39 PM



                     A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
                    "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife" What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man.
                    "There is more than one type?"
                    "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.
                    "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
                     Confused, the man asked what the types were. The saleslady replied
                    "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?
                    "Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
                     The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses,
                     the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 28, 2016, 03:44:05 AM



                             Why did the farmer feed his pigs sugar and vinegar?

                             He wanted sweet and sour pork!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 28, 2016, 04:03:49 AM


                       ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 28, 2016, 04:04:08 AM



 One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.

 Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."

 Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."

 Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

 God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 28, 2016, 05:41:52 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 29, 2016, 05:15:21 AM


As  You Slide Down the Banister of Life Remember...


 1..Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ...'Ministers do more than Lay People'


 



 2..Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.


 3..The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.


 4..My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.


 5..The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.


 6..I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.  The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.




 7..It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.


 8..A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.


 



 9..My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.


 10..Definition of a teenager?   God's punishment...for enjoying sex.


 Thought for the day:
 Be who you are and say what you feel... because those that matter..don't mind... and those that mind... don't matter!


 Living a meaningful life is about expecting the unexpected...right when you least expect it.
 ________________________________
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 29, 2016, 04:50:57 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 29, 2016, 04:54:33 PM

             What does a superhero put in his beverages?

              Just ice.



                                     
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 30, 2016, 07:33:39 AM


                               ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 30, 2016, 07:34:02 AM



Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene.

 After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.
 


"Hello, Sarge"

 "Yes"

"It looks like we have a homicide here."

"What happened?"

"A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."
 
"Have you placed her under arrest?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet." 

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 01, 2016, 03:40:11 AM


A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

 Finally the pro asked her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

 The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

 As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

 "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 01, 2016, 03:24:13 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 02, 2016, 04:51:17 AM



At the end of the tax year, the internal revenue sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
 
 While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said,



 



I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

 "Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the 



bandage company.  Every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh,"  replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
 
 But on he went, in his obnoxious way.



What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

 "Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.



"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer. Every so often, they send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive.



"Well, what do you do with all the remains from circumcision surgeries?"

 "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive.



 



"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office.



About once a year they send us a complete prick."
 
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 02, 2016, 05:46:28 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 02, 2016, 05:47:25 AM



          What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?

          It can't sit down.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 02, 2016, 07:03:11 AM


                    ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 03, 2016, 04:40:10 AM

A guy and a blond are on a date, and after dinner and a movie, they head on up to that citys makeout spot "Lookout Point", where things get a little hot 'n' heavy.

 Then the guy leans over, "Do you want to go in the backseat?"

 "No."

 Unfazed, they continue making out.

 The guy trys again, "Do you want to go in the backseat?"

 "No.

 A little frustrated, the man decides to ignore it. They continue to get pretty into it.

 Soon, the man figures he can ask again, "Do you want to go in the backseat?"

 "No."

 "Why not?"

 "Because I want to stay up here with you."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 03, 2016, 06:52:07 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 03, 2016, 06:59:34 AM




                      What did one flag say to the other flag?

                      Nothing. It just waved.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 04, 2016, 06:27:22 AM



Seven year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.



























 








"What's your name?", asked the teacher.








 








"Mohammad," he replied.








 








"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.








 








" Mohammad returned home after school.








 








"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.








 








"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”;.








 








"Are you ashamed of your name?  Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"








 








And his mother beat the s**t out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the s**t out of him again.








 








The next day Mohammad returned to school.  The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.








 








"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.








 








"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two f------ Arabs."






 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 04, 2016, 06:54:45 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 04, 2016, 07:07:44 AM


             

                       Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
                       One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem.

                       I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.
                      " An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse.

                       I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.
                      " The ninety year old man says,

                      "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."
                      "So what's your problem?" asked the others. "I don't wake up until nine."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 05, 2016, 04:24:20 AM

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

Looking for man with these qualifications:
- won't beat me up
- won't run away from
- is great in bed.

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.
The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 05, 2016, 04:17:50 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 05, 2016, 04:29:49 PM


                      A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and
                      tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart,
                      I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess
                      who asks the blonde to leave.

                     The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.
                     " The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers
                     seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

                    The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
                    The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies,
                    "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 06, 2016, 04:04:26 AM

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his Butt and let him go!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 06, 2016, 04:14:48 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 06, 2016, 04:21:32 PM
 



                 A woman was caught for speeding and told to pull over to the side of the road.
                 Realizing she didn't have her seat belt on,
                 as soon as she stopped she quickly buckled up before the officer reached her window.
                 After lecturing her about speeding, the cop said, "I noticed you are wearing your seat belt.
                 Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"
                "Most definitely, officer," she replied.
                "I see," said the cop, "and do you always wear it looped through the steering wheel?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 07, 2016, 04:13:18 AM



                          ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 07, 2016, 04:13:47 AM

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department
store looking for a job.
 The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
 The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
 Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
 I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
 His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store
 was locked up, the boss came down.
 "How many sales did you make today?"
 The kid says, "One."
 The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
 How much was the sale for?"
 Kid says, "$101,237.64."
 Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
 Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
 Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
 Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast,
 so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat
 department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he
 didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
 automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
 The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
 boat and truck?"
 Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said,
 "Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 07, 2016, 05:14:37 PM
  :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 07, 2016, 05:16:46 PM


                 Police Officer: "How high are you?

                " Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 08, 2016, 04:40:42 AM



                         ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 08, 2016, 04:41:00 AM



It was reported today that a week ago Hillary Clinton officiated at the wedding of one of her long-time aides. There was one awkward moment. When they got to the point where they asked if anyone had a reason to object, Hillary got out her wedding album." -Conan O'Brien
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 08, 2016, 05:23:29 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 09, 2016, 06:12:20 AM


Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London.
 The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus.
 The Blonde team rides on the top level.
 The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

 She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

 She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 09, 2016, 06:55:53 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 09, 2016, 07:14:37 AM

                          THE GAME WARDEN

                   After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.
                   He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
                   Not having one the fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets.
                   Every day I come done to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk
                   only to return them at the end of the day."
                   The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
                   The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
                   The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."
                   The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 10, 2016, 04:14:00 AM


                            ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 10, 2016, 04:14:52 AM


                             A cock comes into a chicken roost with the eggs of an ostrich in his hands:
                             I don’t want to be too bitchy, but look what our competitors are making!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 10, 2016, 06:27:23 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 10, 2016, 06:36:56 AM


                Movies

               A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a bumble bee sitting next to him.
              "Are you a bumble bee?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?
              " The bumble bee replied, "Well, I liked the book."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 11, 2016, 04:20:49 AM


A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

 "I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

 "You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde.

 "I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

 "I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"

 The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 11, 2016, 03:57:06 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 11, 2016, 03:58:44 PM


                 A sixteen year old boy who had long hair turned 16 and asked his father if he could get a driver license.
                The father said he could if he got a haircut.
                The boy commented "But Jesus had long hair.
              " True said his father "But everywhere that Jesus went, he walked."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 12, 2016, 04:27:38 AM

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.

''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of crap!''
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 12, 2016, 05:05:13 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 12, 2016, 05:12:28 PM


                   Why don't they play poker in the jungle?

                   Too many cheetahs.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 13, 2016, 04:54:30 AM


                                 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 13, 2016, 04:55:23 AM


One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."

Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.

Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with
 Uncle Ted when he's been drinking!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Jul 13, 2016, 07:55:35 AM
       ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 14, 2016, 03:49:24 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 14, 2016, 05:38:49 PM



                                          What do Monica Lewinski and a soda machine have in common?
                                         
                                          They both say insert bill here!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 15, 2016, 04:44:07 PM



                   An income-tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
                  George Washington never told a lie, but then he never had to file a Form 1040.
                  Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.
                  The rich and the poor are alike. They both complain about taxes.
                  If our President wants to abolish poverty, he can do it by abolishing the IRS.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 17, 2016, 05:02:13 AM



                                 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 17, 2016, 05:04:23 AM


One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"F$%@ me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 17, 2016, 06:50:31 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 17, 2016, 06:54:26 AM
 

                     Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
                     Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were
                     only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
                     We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a
                     break?"
                     He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and
                     started Writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a ****-head. He
                     finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a
                     third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

                     Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
                     
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 18, 2016, 04:35:34 AM


                       ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 18, 2016, 04:36:00 AM


On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

 She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 18, 2016, 05:56:47 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 18, 2016, 05:57:38 PM


                 You know you are a blonde if you don't have too many clothes, but not enough closets.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 19, 2016, 03:58:15 AM



                                     ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 19, 2016, 03:59:32 AM


John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, Once a year! To John's dismay, he responds, Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year? The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 19, 2016, 06:38:48 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 19, 2016, 06:40:12 PM


              A husband desperate to keep his hot wife happy offers to buy is wife a new car.
             She cutely declines his offer by saying, "That's not quite what I had in mind.
            " Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer,
            "That's not quite what I had in mind." Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?" She retorts,
            "I'd like a divorce." He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 20, 2016, 04:38:47 AM



                                        ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 20, 2016, 04:41:15 AM


There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third guy remained quiet.

 After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'

 The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.'

 The first two guys were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.

 She said, "GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 20, 2016, 06:26:28 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 20, 2016, 06:28:45 PM


                                 Pickup Truck   
             A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of chipmunks. He pulls the guy over and says...
            "You can't drive around with chipmunks in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.
            " The guy says "OK"... and drives away.
              The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of chipmunks, and they're all wearing sun glasses.
               He pulls the guy over and demands... "I thought I told you to take these chipmunks to the zoo yesterday?
              " The guy replies... "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 21, 2016, 04:12:57 AM



                                          ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 21, 2016, 04:13:21 AM


An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 21, 2016, 05:57:46 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 21, 2016, 06:00:23 PM


                              IRS Jokes:

               An income-tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
               George Washington never told a lie, but then he never had to file a Form 1040. Golf is a lot like taxes.
               You drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole. The rich and the poor are alike
               They both complain about taxes. If our President wants to abolish poverty, he can do it by abolishing the IRS.
           
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 22, 2016, 04:05:55 AM



                         ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 22, 2016, 04:06:21 AM


The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
 "Howdy, stranger..."
 "Howdy, Sheriff..."

 The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

 "Hold on, Mister..."
 "Sheriff?"
 "Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
 "Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
 "And that cures them?"
 "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 22, 2016, 05:30:00 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 22, 2016, 05:55:02 PM



                What does HMO stand for?

                Hand Money Over!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 23, 2016, 06:00:48 AM



                             ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 23, 2016, 06:01:15 AM

A man was looking out his window when he noticed that there was a snail on one of his plants. So he took the snail and threw him as far as he could. Ten years later the old man heard a tap tap tap on his window, and when he looked up he saw a very cross snail who looked at him and
 said, “Hey, what did you do that for?”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 23, 2016, 06:15:00 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 23, 2016, 07:32:04 AM


                A Fine Shot
           
           A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree.
           Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.
          'Who is this incredibly fine archer?' cried the duke.'I must find him!'
          After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow.
          Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.
         'You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?' asked the duke worriedly.
         'No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.'
         'That is truly astonishing,' said the duke. 'I hereby admit you into my service.'
         The boy thanked him profusely. 'But I must ask one favor in return,' the duke continued.
         'You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.'
         'Well,' said the boy, 'first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it.'


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 24, 2016, 05:01:55 AM


                  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 24, 2016, 05:02:14 AM


A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 24, 2016, 05:55:13 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 24, 2016, 01:30:09 PM


               Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
               But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

               Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
             
               The only reason your husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him,
              "Wow, that's a big one!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 24, 2016, 05:23:44 PM


                      ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 25, 2016, 04:38:11 AM


Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

 The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 26, 2016, 03:34:58 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 26, 2016, 03:42:05 AM


                     What does HOG stand for?
                     Heavyset Old Geezers


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 26, 2016, 04:07:43 AM


                    ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 26, 2016, 04:08:09 AM


In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 26, 2016, 06:52:34 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 27, 2016, 03:44:54 AM

''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

''I got in a tiff with Riley.''

''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.''

''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.''

''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?''

''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 27, 2016, 05:53:20 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 27, 2016, 06:03:36 PM



                          Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond.
                          If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting.

                         " So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says,
                         "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there.
 
                        " Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself
                          When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog?

                         There really are only two ducks out there!" Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road.
                         If you want, you can get one from him, too.

                        " So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has.
                          The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks.

                          Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged,
                          Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

                          The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks,
                          it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg. The breeder says,

                         "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 28, 2016, 03:58:29 AM

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 28, 2016, 05:49:01 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 28, 2016, 06:01:17 PM
 


                   What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

                   Gifted!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 29, 2016, 03:51:03 AM


                                      ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 29, 2016, 03:52:27 AM



Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
 All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small
 cave.

 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until
 he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
 He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

 The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all
 about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

 The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian
 men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening..
 If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there
 waiting for us.

 Just then they came upon another cave.
 The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo!
 Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer.
 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

 He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

 The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied
 a third large cave.
 As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
 It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big,
 fine women in this cave!'

 He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might

 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call,
 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

 With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
 cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

 The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................
 
 
  You'll like this









  NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 29, 2016, 09:09:49 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 30, 2016, 05:06:39 AM

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
 She tells the mechanic it died.
 After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
 She says, "What's the story?"
 He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
 She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 30, 2016, 06:42:07 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 30, 2016, 04:46:44 PM


                                 What do you call a blond with a brain?
                                 A golden retriever.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 31, 2016, 05:00:42 AM


              ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 31, 2016, 05:01:21 AM


I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

 * she called me to get my phone number.

 * she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

 * she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

 *she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

 *she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

 *she tried to drown a fish.

 *she thought a quarterback was a refund.

 *she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

 *she tripped over a cordless phone.

 *she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

 *she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

 *she studied for a blood test.

 *she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

 *when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

 *when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

 *when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
 
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 31, 2016, 06:16:06 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 31, 2016, 06:22:35 AM


                         What is the richest fish in the world?
                        A goldfish


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 01, 2016, 05:30:10 AM



                                        :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 01, 2016, 05:30:50 AM


As the hostess at the casino 
buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my 
husband, who would be joining me 
momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly …”

She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 01, 2016, 05:14:28 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 01, 2016, 05:32:50 PM


                            Retirement problems

                           Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. One seventy year old man says,
                          "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

                           An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse.
                           I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement
               
                          " The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?
                             asked the others. "I don't wake up until nine."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hesseltine32 on Aug 01, 2016, 09:34:00 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 02, 2016, 03:50:52 AM

Advantages Of Being A Woman
Why it's better to be a Woman!

 1. We got off the Titanic first.

 2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

 3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

 4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

 5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

 6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

 7. Taxis stop for us.

 8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

 9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

 10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

 11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

 12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

 13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

 14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

 15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

 16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

 17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

 18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

 19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

 20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

 21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

 22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

 23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

 24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

 25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

 26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

 27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

 28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

 29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

 30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions. 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 02, 2016, 06:31:44 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 02, 2016, 06:37:07 PM





                                     When is a retiree's bedtime?
                                     Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.






                       
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 03, 2016, 03:43:28 AM


                  Doh! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 03, 2016, 03:43:57 AM


Half dressed redneck couple sitting on couch watching news on TV with man's arm around the woman. The man says "Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin'" The woman replies, "That's right, Daddy."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 03, 2016, 03:55:45 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 03, 2016, 06:07:45 PM


                       A guy and a blond are on a date, and after dinner and a movie, they head on up to that citys makeout spot "Lookout Point",
                       where things get a little hot 'n' heavy. Then the guy leans over, "Do you want to go in the backseat?"
                     
                      "No."

                       Unfazed, they continue making out. The guy trys again, "Do you want to go in the backseat?"
                       "No.

                        A little frustrated, the man decides to ignore it. They continue to get pretty into it. Soon, the man figures he can ask again,
                        "Do you want to go in the backseat?"

                        "No."
                 
                        "Why not?"

                        " Because I want to stay up here with you."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 04, 2016, 05:38:08 AM


                       ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 04, 2016, 05:38:44 AM


You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 04, 2016, 05:22:46 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 04, 2016, 05:28:04 PM
 

                  Why is 50 Cent a cat? A: He has 9 lives

                 (...He was shot nine times)



                   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 05, 2016, 04:36:10 AM


                                           ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 05, 2016, 04:36:34 AM



 The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified,
 well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

 "May I help you sir?"  she asked.

 The man replied,  "I want to see Valerie."

 "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.  Perhaps you would
 prefer someone else", said the madam.

 He replied,  "No, I must see Valerie."

 Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000
 a visit.

 Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it
 to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

 After an hour, the man calmly left.

 The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

 Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as
 she was too expensive.  "There are no discounts. The price is still
 $10,000."

 Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie , and they went
 upstairs.

 After an hour, he left.

 The following night the man was there yet again.

 Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night,
 but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

 After their session, Valerie said to the man,  "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.  Where are you from?"

 The man replied, "St. Louis." "Really," she said.  "I have family in St.
 Louis."

 "I know,"  the man said.  "Your sister died, and I am her attorney.
 She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance."


 The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:

 1.  Death

 2.  Taxes

 3.  Being screwed by a lawyer.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 05, 2016, 06:13:32 PM
              OK  ;D 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 05, 2016, 06:20:38 PM


                        Four Nerds

                        Four nerds were sitting down in a room talking about sports 
                        One nerd says to the other "Hey, do you know what taekwondo is?                 
                      " the other replied, "nope, never heard of that Pokemon".....


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 06, 2016, 04:12:31 AM


                           ;D       
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 06, 2016, 04:12:55 AM


A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

 The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

 So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

 The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

 They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

 They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

 On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

 There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 06, 2016, 05:44:52 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 07, 2016, 05:59:56 AM


A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no 
secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that 
she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a 
crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never 
argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money 
I made from selling the dolls.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 07, 2016, 06:38:37 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 07, 2016, 06:43:43 AM


                       Mushroom

                    A mushroom walked into a dance club and asked this girl to dance.
                    She replied, "Are you kidding? You are a mushroom!"
                    And the mushroom replied, "Oh come on. I am a FUN GUY!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 08, 2016, 04:02:21 AM


                            ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 08, 2016, 04:03:03 AM

If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:

 Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
 Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
 Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
 Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
 Bimbag - a blonde's purse
 Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
 Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
 Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
 Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard
 Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
 Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
 Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
 Bimboette - a young blonde
 Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
 Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
 Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
 Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
 Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
 Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
 Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
 Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is
 Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 08, 2016, 06:19:28 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 08, 2016, 06:20:33 PM



                   What does a bee do when it is hot?
                   He takes off his yellow jacket!

l
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 09, 2016, 05:21:51 AM


                              ::) ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 09, 2016, 05:23:47 AM



(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/untitled_1.png) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/untitled_1.png.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 09, 2016, 07:13:26 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 09, 2016, 07:34:25 PM
 ;D  hehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 10, 2016, 03:36:16 AM


                            Two Blondes

                         Two blondes in Las Vegas were sitting on a bench talking ...
                         and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ...
                         Florida or the moon?
                      " The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooooo, can you see Florida?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 10, 2016, 05:18:23 AM


                             ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 10, 2016, 05:18:52 AM


An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

 The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

 The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 10, 2016, 06:23:46 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 11, 2016, 05:16:09 AM


A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

 Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

 After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

 "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

 The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

 The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

 When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 11, 2016, 06:06:05 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 11, 2016, 06:19:20 PM




                         When does it rain money?

                         When there is "change" in the weather.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 12, 2016, 05:22:13 AM


                       ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 13, 2016, 08:11:50 AM


                         Thunderstorm

              One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.
              She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?
            " The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
              A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 15, 2016, 05:55:35 AM


                      ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 15, 2016, 05:56:10 AM


A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 15, 2016, 04:39:15 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 15, 2016, 04:47:19 PM


                   
                       Why is sex like a thunderstorm?
 
                      "You never know how many inches you'll get and how long it'll last."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 15, 2016, 05:23:55 PM


                        ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 16, 2016, 05:11:22 AM

Hip Surgery
 
Two patients limp into two different doctors' offices with the same complaint: Both have trouble walking and may require hip surgery.
 
Patient 1. is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
 
Patient 2. sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then, pending the review board's decision on his age and remaining value to society.
 
Why the different treatment for the 2 patients?



The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet.
 
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen on Obamacare.
 
In November, if there is no change in government... we'll all have to find a good vet.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 16, 2016, 05:13:53 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 16, 2016, 05:22:36 PM

                             ABCs
                     One day there was a kid who was asked to recite the first four letters of the alphabet by his teacher.
                     So he went home and asked his brother the first letter. He said "SHUT UP! I'M ON THE PHONE!"
                     Then he asked his Mom the second letter. She said "Yes!"
                     Then he asked his Dad the third letter. He said "Kentucky Fried Chicken!!!"
                     Then he asked his cousin the fourth and final letter. "In a big fat car! In a big fat car! In a big fat car!
                     So he went to school. The teacher asked him, "Tell me the first four letters in the alphabet." So he said
                    "SHUT UP! I'M ON THE PHONE!" " Young man, do I need to take you to the principal? "Yes!"
                     So he went to the principal. The principal said. "Who do you think you are?!" "Kentucky Fried Chicken!!!"
                    "And, how are you getting away with this?!" "In a big fat car! In a big fat car!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 17, 2016, 03:10:11 AM


Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes. One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, "Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?" His friend replies, "Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 17, 2016, 03:47:55 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 17, 2016, 03:49:08 AM


                         What do you get when you cross a mouse and a deer?
                         Mickey Moose


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 17, 2016, 07:38:28 AM


                      ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 18, 2016, 04:14:18 AM
A woman walked into my aunt’s animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered.

“Is the mother friendly?” my aunt asked.

“Very,” said the woman, casting an eye on all the pet carriers. “That’s how we got into this mess in the first place.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 18, 2016, 05:08:06 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 18, 2016, 05:16:09 PM


                What happens after the government takes 35 percent of your paycheck?
                The gas station takes the rest!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 19, 2016, 05:14:22 AM



                        :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 19, 2016, 05:15:17 AM


(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/irishgirl.png) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/irishgirl.png.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 19, 2016, 02:36:17 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 20, 2016, 05:12:10 AM


I don't really like watching basketball, I just watch it to find out who the next member of the Kardashian family will be.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 20, 2016, 05:48:20 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 20, 2016, 05:54:42 AM


                                 Whats better than KFC getting rid of Trans Fatty Acids?
                                 Actually putting more chicken in their chicken!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 21, 2016, 03:52:48 AM

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in,

She saw that his two male parrots

Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed,

She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes,

The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

Then, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said,

 

'Put the beads away, Frank,

Our prayers have been answered!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 21, 2016, 06:07:13 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 21, 2016, 06:14:32 AM


             Republican Slogans for Mid-Term Elections:
           Culture of Kid-Ruption It's Always Someone Else's Fault
           There's No Shame In Blaming The Church Republican 'Family Values'.....
          "Where's Your Family?" Fondling Boys ...."A Faith-Based Initiative" ***
          (G)reedy (O)ld (P)edophiles *** Online gambling BAD , kiddy fiddling
           
           GOOD GOP: Cover For Liars, Crooks, Pedos


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 22, 2016, 04:22:53 AM


             Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?" Son: "I don't have it." Dad: "Why?" Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 22, 2016, 05:26:22 PM


               ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 23, 2016, 04:46:56 AM


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
 The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
 When she asked me why, I replied,
 "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 24, 2016, 03:37:28 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 24, 2016, 04:48:08 AM


(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/dog%20sense.png) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/dog%20sense.png.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 24, 2016, 05:38:52 PM
  ???
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 24, 2016, 05:40:01 PM



                            Did you hear about the hamburger who couldn't stop making jokes
                            He was on a roll!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 25, 2016, 04:32:07 AM



                     That's Cheesy!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 25, 2016, 04:32:47 AM


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
 I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
 'No,' she answered. I then said,
 'Is that your final answer?'
 She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
 So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 25, 2016, 06:37:16 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 26, 2016, 04:13:13 AM



This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds
 like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

 John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
 hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

 The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
 could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly
 coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without
 thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize
 there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

 The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
 curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
 Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the
 window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror,


watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window,


but never touched or harmed him.

 Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
 so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and
 out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the
 horrible experience he had just had.

 A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying
 and....wasn't drunk.

 Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the
 stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breathe.
 Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...


"Look Paddy...there's that  bastard that got in the car while we were pushing it." !!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 27, 2016, 05:02:17 AM


I took my wife to a restaurant.
 The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
 "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
 He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
 "Nah, she can order for herself."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 27, 2016, 06:48:04 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 28, 2016, 04:57:33 AM

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
 kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
 I asked her, "Do you know him?"
 "Yes", she sighed,
 "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
 split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
 "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 28, 2016, 06:06:02 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 28, 2016, 06:11:18 AM


             A man wants to become a bell-ringer, but has no arms. So he tells the priest of his wish, but the priest says:
            "How can you be our bell-ringer without arms?" He replied "Arms? Who needs 'em!"
             So the arm-less guy runs to the top of the bell tower, and starts ringing the bell with his face,
             making beautiful music. Unfortunately, he misses the last note, and falls from the bell tower.
             A bunch of parishioners gather around him, asking: "Who is this guy?"
             The priest says: "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 29, 2016, 07:42:52 PM


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
 that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take
 care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
 important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
 When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
 snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
 a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and
 when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
 cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
 The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 ________________________________
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 30, 2016, 03:54:42 AM


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
 She asked, "What's on TV?"
 I said, "Dust."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 30, 2016, 05:32:33 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 30, 2016, 05:33:51 PM



                       Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,
                       the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,
                       the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year,
                       they both speak and the neighbors listen.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 31, 2016, 03:14:57 AM


                                 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 31, 2016, 03:15:20 AM


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
 She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
 I bought her a bathroom scale.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 31, 2016, 03:50:39 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 01, 2016, 04:59:04 PM


               
                  Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
                  Because it said 'concentrate'.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 02, 2016, 05:47:25 AM


                                        ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 02, 2016, 05:47:51 AM


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
 The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
 I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
 I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
 The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
 So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
 She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
 processed my Social Security application..
 When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
 She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
 And then the fight started...

 ________________________________
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 02, 2016, 03:03:37 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 03, 2016, 04:19:30 AM



                          Why do blondes wear ponytails?
                          To hide the valve stem!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 03, 2016, 05:11:33 AM


                        ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 03, 2016, 05:12:21 AM


How to wash a cat






1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl...

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You
may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind
the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and
rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no
people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift
the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and
run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,
The Dog!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 04, 2016, 03:14:16 AM


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
 She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
 "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
 I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
 I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
 And then the fight started.......
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 04, 2016, 04:26:41 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 05, 2016, 05:29:01 AM


Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice boobs! Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 05, 2016, 07:26:18 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 06, 2016, 03:50:08 AM



                      Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
                      The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 06, 2016, 04:43:35 AM


                      ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 06, 2016, 04:45:04 AM




ZEN TEACHINGS


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me the Hell alone.
 


2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
 


3. No one is listening until you fart.
 


4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
 


5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
 


6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.
 


7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
 


8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
 


9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
 


10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
 


11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
 


12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
 


13. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
 


14. Good judgement comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgement.
 


15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
 


16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
 


17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
 


18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 


19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things just keep getting worse.
 


20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 06, 2016, 04:54:50 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 07, 2016, 05:05:36 AM


When my three-year-old granddaughter was told 
to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, she unexpectedly got nervous. With 
a shaking voice, she asked, “Do I have to drink it?”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 07, 2016, 03:53:28 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 08, 2016, 06:08:05 AM


I once gave my husband the 
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 09, 2016, 05:01:28 AM


At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having 
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.

“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.

“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in 
our wall.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 09, 2016, 04:20:44 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 10, 2016, 05:37:36 AM

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville, MS DAILY and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We sure can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the
Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.  "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and
made a profit of $898."

The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Medicare and Social Security Programs.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 11, 2016, 05:58:29 AM


Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 11, 2016, 07:21:51 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 11, 2016, 10:04:15 AM



                  A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay,
                  the skunk didn't have a scent,
                  the deer didn't have a buck,
                  so they put the meal on the duck's bill.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 12, 2016, 04:24:12 AM


                     ::) ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 12, 2016, 04:24:33 AM


A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 12, 2016, 05:53:27 PM



      ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 13, 2016, 03:35:11 AM



                      A blonde, who had just dyed her hair, went to the hospital because her whole body hurt.
                     She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate.
                     She touched her nose and it hurt. She touched her stomach and it hurt.
                     The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes.

                     "Look Here Lady, your finger is broken!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 18, 2016, 04:57:17 PM



                    Boy: "Hey, I like you and I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend."
                    Girl: "I have a boyfriend."
                    Boy: "I have math test tomorrow."
                    Girl: "What does that have to do with anything?"
                    Boy: "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 19, 2016, 03:52:37 AM

 OK, This will be the first of a list of "Crazy Laws" in states; I'll start with my state New York!


New York Crazy Law
•The penalty for jumping off a building is death.


•Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.



Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!


•A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.


•A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.


•While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.


•A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.


•It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.


Carmel

•A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.


Greene

•During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.


New York

•You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building.


•Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".


•Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.


•It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing."


Ocean City

•It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town.


•It is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle.


Staten Island

•It is illegal for a father to call his son a "faggot" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior."


•You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 19, 2016, 06:16:22 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 19, 2016, 06:24:47 AM



                           Husband writes code.

Wife : Honey, please go to the super market and get 1 bottle of milk. If they have bananas, bring 6.

He came back with 6 bottles of milk.

Wife: Why the hell did you buy 6 bottles of milk?!?!

Husband (confused): BECAUSE THEY HAD BANANAS.

He still doesn't understand why his wife yelled at him since he did exactly as she told him.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 26, 2016, 05:51:13 AM


                     ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 26, 2016, 05:51:33 AM


An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 26, 2016, 05:53:22 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 29, 2016, 04:44:04 AM

Ten common fishing terms explained

 Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

 Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

 Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

 Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

 Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

 Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

 School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

 Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

 Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

 Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.


 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 29, 2016, 05:53:54 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 30, 2016, 04:35:03 AM


A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

 "Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

 "OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

 GOD says, "So you would like them."

 "OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

 "So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

 The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

 GOD says, "So they would love you!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 30, 2016, 05:45:37 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 01, 2016, 04:54:42 AM

Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a "Team" truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.

 The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you'd do ?

 About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.

 "I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The personnel manager says "yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Zek up." The personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would wake Zek up ?"

 Coos, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 02, 2016, 04:15:30 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 02, 2016, 05:28:05 AM

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

 Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

 "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 03, 2016, 05:30:23 AM


The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

 So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

 The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

 Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 03, 2016, 06:15:42 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 04, 2016, 02:50:09 AM

Alaska's crazy laws!

Alaska's More Important Laws

 In Fairbanks it is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!

 While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

 It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.

 It is the state policy that emergencies are held to a minimum and are rarely found to exist.-Sec. 44.62.270. State policy.

 Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 04, 2016, 03:30:56 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 04, 2016, 03:47:12 AM

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?”

And then she went back to reading her book.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 04, 2016, 05:26:57 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 04, 2016, 05:33:38 PM



            What's the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
            One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.

















Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 05, 2016, 03:55:54 AM


A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"

 The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."

 "What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

 "My wife."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 05, 2016, 05:36:46 PM


           ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 06, 2016, 04:30:02 AM


On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

 To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 06, 2016, 04:32:25 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 07, 2016, 05:01:13 AM


A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

 The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

 The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

 Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

 Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

 To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

 The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

 The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, "That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 07, 2016, 04:59:23 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 08, 2016, 04:01:10 AM


A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

 Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

 Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

 Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

 "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 09, 2016, 04:15:05 AM

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

 Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

 A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

 Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

 For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

 Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

 Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

 Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

 Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

 We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 10, 2016, 03:48:17 AM


A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

 In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

 Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

 The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 10, 2016, 08:26:15 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 10, 2016, 08:27:16 AM


               Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
               You have to hollow out the head.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 11, 2016, 03:16:00 AM


                       ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 11, 2016, 03:16:35 AM



Dictionary for women
 Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

 Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

 Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

 Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

 Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

 Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

 Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

 Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

 Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

 Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

 Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

 Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

 Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

 Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

 Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

 Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

 Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

 Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 11, 2016, 03:44:32 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 19, 2016, 04:09:50 AM


             Remember I started a Dumb law post, well I'm back with that.

 
                  Arizona Crazy Law

•You may not have more than two dildos in a house.


•Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.



Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!


•There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.


•When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.


•Hunting camels is prohibited.


•Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.


•It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.


Glendale

•Cars may not be driven in reverse.


Globe

•Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.


Hayden

•If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.


Maricopa County

•No more than six girls may live in any house.


Mesa

•It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.


Mohave County

•A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.


Nogales

•An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.


Prescott

•No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.


Tucson

•Women may not wear pants.


Tombstone

•It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 20, 2016, 05:26:34 AM

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 20, 2016, 05:37:02 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 21, 2016, 03:38:42 AM


An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

 In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 21, 2016, 03:42:06 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 22, 2016, 04:44:59 AM



Medical terminology
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 22, 2016, 04:54:24 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 22, 2016, 04:55:32 AM



                   Why was the blonde standing outside the department store in the rain?
                    She was waiting to cash her rain check!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 22, 2016, 06:53:06 AM


                            ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 23, 2016, 04:32:33 AM

MEGA MORON AWARDS

 Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).

 Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 24, 2016, 03:32:21 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 24, 2016, 04:38:41 AM
 

Dumb Laws time again

Arkansas Crazy Law
•A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.


•A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.



Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!


•Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.


•The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.


•Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw"


•A voter is only allowed five minutes to mark his ballot.


Fayetteville

•Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.


•It is illegal to kill "any living creature".


•It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday.


•No person shall sound the horn on a vechicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M. -Little Rock City Code Sec. 18-54


•Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Oct 24, 2016, 07:20:50 AM
I wonder if that 30 day jail term is TOGETHER...H2L
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 24, 2016, 05:26:17 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 25, 2016, 04:56:07 AM


I own the fastest car
 A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

 The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".

 The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."

 "That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

 "Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

 The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

 "Sure" replies the owner.

 So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

 Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

 Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!

 The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

 Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!

 WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

 The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

 The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 25, 2016, 05:40:49 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 26, 2016, 04:07:30 AM

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

 When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

 "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 27, 2016, 03:30:22 AM


                                            The laws of golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 27, 2016, 04:42:39 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 28, 2016, 03:25:42 AM


                                                 California Crazy Law
   OK this is a long one after all California is a big state!


•Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.


•Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.



Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!


•Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.


•Bathhouses are against the law.


•In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.


•No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.


•Women may not drive in a house coat.


•It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.


Arcadia

•Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.


Alhambra

•You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.


Baldwin Park

•Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.


Belvedere

•City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."


Blythe

•You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.


Burlingame

•It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.


Carmel

•Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)


•Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.


Chico

•Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.


Downey

•It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).


Hollywood

•It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.


Lafayette

•You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.


Lodi

•It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".


Lompoc

•It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.


Long Beach

•It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.


•Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.


Los Angeles

•Toads may not be licked.


•You may not hunt moths under a street light.


•It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.


•You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.


•Zoot suits are prohibited.


•It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.


•It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.


Ontario

•Roosters may not crow in the city limits.


Pacific Grove

•Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.


Palm Springs

•It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.


Pasadena

•It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.


Prunedale

•Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.


Redlands

•Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.


Riverside

•One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.


San Diego

•The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.


•It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.


San Francisco

•Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.


•Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.


•It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.


•It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.


San Jose

•It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595


Santa Monica

•You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.


Temecula

•Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 29, 2016, 05:35:23 AM

Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.

 When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.

 Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

 Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

 Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"

 Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 29, 2016, 06:28:51 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 30, 2016, 04:04:55 AM



Reasons to allow drinking at work
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

 1. It's an incentive to show up.

 2. It reduces stress.

 3. It leads to more honest communications.

 4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

 8. It encourages carpooling.

 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

 11. It makes fellow employees look better.

 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

 15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 30, 2016, 06:19:42 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 30, 2016, 06:46:51 AM


                     Why did McDonald's pick the game Monopoly?
                     It's fun to play, but at the end everyone's bankrupt!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 31, 2016, 04:00:14 AM


                              ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 31, 2016, 04:00:35 AM


A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

 The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

 After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

 "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

 The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

 "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

 "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 31, 2016, 04:48:13 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 01, 2016, 03:38:57 AM


Dictionary for women
 Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

 Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

 Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

 Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

 Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

 Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

 Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

 Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

 Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

 Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

 Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

 Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

 Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

 Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

 Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

 Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

 Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

 Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 01, 2016, 05:09:25 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 02, 2016, 04:47:42 AM



Women's instructions
 WOMEN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

 Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

 Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

 Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

 What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

 So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

 If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

 Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

 Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.

 Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

 Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

 Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

 The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

 If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

 A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".

 Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

 Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

 If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

 When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 03, 2016, 04:40:47 AM

A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.

 A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.

 "Where can I buy one?" he is asked.

 Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.

 "I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money.

 I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?

 "Sure."

 The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news."

 I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.

 The city feller says just give me my money back then.

 "Can't, spent it already!"

 "Well... unload the mule then."

 "What ya gonna do with him?"

 "Raffle him off!"

 "Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!"

 "Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks."

 One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.

 "What did ya do with that dead mule?"

 "Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit."

 "Didn't anyone complain?"

 "Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 03, 2016, 12:40:09 PM


                ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 04, 2016, 03:04:46 AM


                              Don't say this to a cop

 The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

 20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

 19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

 18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

 17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

 16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

 15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

 14. Bad cop. No donut.

 13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

 12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

 11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

 10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

 9. I pay your salary

 8. So uh, you on the take or what?

 7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

 6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

 5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

 4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

 3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

 2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

 1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 04, 2016, 03:22:14 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 05, 2016, 05:32:55 AM

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

 "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

 "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 06, 2016, 04:37:01 AM


A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.  At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.  As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.  "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"  "Yes, they help me sleep at night."  "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"  She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks.  And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."  You gotta love Grandmas!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 06, 2016, 05:59:51 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 06, 2016, 06:47:38 AM



                A wife returning from a fishing trip with her husband was telling her troubles to a neighbor.
               "I did everything all wrong again today," she said. "I talked too loud, I used the wrong bait,

                I reeled in too soon, and I caught more fish than he did."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 06, 2016, 07:16:47 AM


                            ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 07, 2016, 03:40:22 AM


A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.  The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."  Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey.  Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."  A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid.  Make up your mind!  I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 07, 2016, 04:49:41 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 08, 2016, 03:43:34 AM


          A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.
          One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth.
          He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.
         The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales.
         The baby weighed 21 lbs 13 oz.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 08, 2016, 03:58:21 AM


                        ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 08, 2016, 03:59:05 AM



Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.'  The question was worth 70 points or none at all.  One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.  He wrote:

1)  It is perfect formula for the child.
2)  It provides immunity against several diseases.
3)  It is always the right temperature.
4)  It is inexpensive.
5)  It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6)  It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.  Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7)  It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.  He got an A.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 09, 2016, 03:56:34 AM


An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying.  He calls his grandson to his bedside.  "Guido, I wan' you lissina me.  I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."  "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.  How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"  "You lissina me, boy!  Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.  Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.  Whatta you gonna do then?  Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 09, 2016, 04:40:20 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 10, 2016, 03:27:27 AM


A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.  It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.  "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"  "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.  The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?  They're hookers, boy!  They have sex with men for money."  The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"  His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."  After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"  She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 10, 2016, 03:41:10 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 11, 2016, 04:25:22 AM


An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.  She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103.  She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 11, 2016, 04:49:54 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 12, 2016, 05:03:47 AM


St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

 "Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

 "I was a good father," he answers.

 "Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."

 St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

 The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

 But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

 At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let’s get out of here."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 12, 2016, 05:16:15 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 13, 2016, 04:59:03 AM


      It's dumb state laws time again, here some from Colorado:

 

•Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.


•It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.



Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!


•No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. (Repealed)


•It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.


•Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.


Colorado Springs

•It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.
Crippe Creek

•It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.
Denver

•You may not drive a black car on Sundays.


•It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.


•It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado.


•The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park.


Durango

•It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex.
Logan County

•It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
Pueblo

•It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits.
Sterling

•Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 14, 2016, 04:16:34 AM


Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

 "Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in hell does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

 The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

 The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man.

 "You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

 "Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

 "I say Sem Ting."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 14, 2016, 04:29:03 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 16, 2016, 03:30:54 AM



TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.**



THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS
 AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.




THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK; I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'



THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'



'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER..'



HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE WAS A
 WITCH.'



'A WITCH??. . WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

 'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'*
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 16, 2016, 03:40:50 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 17, 2016, 03:19:02 AM


A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:

 "I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

 The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:

 "Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."

 A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

 "You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."

 The prisoner wrote another letter:

 "Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 17, 2016, 03:40:15 AM
  :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 18, 2016, 04:15:21 AM


The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

 As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

 He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

 The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

 The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

 The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

 The young man says, "I chop wood!"

 "Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

 "I chop wood!"

 "Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

 "Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

 "Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

 The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 18, 2016, 04:29:26 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 19, 2016, 03:25:13 AM


This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

 So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

 The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

 The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

 Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 19, 2016, 04:14:00 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 19, 2016, 04:18:05 AM


              A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience.

             She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.
             It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

             In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
             She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.
             The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

             Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
             Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup,
             she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

             As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune ...
             Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

             And you thought all they did was say Hello.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 19, 2016, 04:55:32 AM


                                  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 20, 2016, 03:13:55 AM

Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

 In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

 Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.


 In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

 Today, it's the size of his minivan.


 In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.

 Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.


 In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

 Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.


 In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

 Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.


 In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

 Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.


 In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

 Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.


 In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

 If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.


 In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."

 Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."


 In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

 Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."


 In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

 Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."


 In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

 Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"


 In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

 Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.


 In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.

 Today, he'll get a digital organizer.


 In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."

 Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."


 In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

 Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.


 In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

 Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.


 In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

 Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.


 In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

 Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."


 In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

 Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"


 In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

 Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.


 In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

 In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 20, 2016, 04:07:06 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 21, 2016, 04:08:49 AM


A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

 "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

 "Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said.

 "But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

 "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."

 "Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 21, 2016, 03:33:40 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 22, 2016, 04:52:59 AM


Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

 As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

 He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

 The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 22, 2016, 04:30:15 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 23, 2016, 03:53:52 AM


One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

 "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

 The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

 "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

 Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

 "Go to the theatre."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 23, 2016, 04:08:03 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 24, 2016, 02:38:31 AM


The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

 Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

 "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 25, 2016, 03:50:40 AM


This is how to find your wife, even in the busiest shopping mall.  Follow these four point instructions, the technique never fails. 
1.Have a look around at the shoppers, then walk up to the prettiest girl in the store. 
2.Say to her, 'Excuse me, can you help me?  I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the shopping mall somewhere.  Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
3.The pretty girl will ask: 'Why?'
4.You reply: 'Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materializes out of thin air.'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 25, 2016, 04:21:53 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 26, 2016, 05:28:08 AM



Student Who Obtained 0% On An Exam
















Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct,  and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humor.


 
 Q1.  In which battle did Napoleon die?
 * his last battle
 
 Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
 * at the bottom of the page
 
 Q3. River  Ravi flows in which state?
 * liquid
 
 Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
 * marriage
 
 Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
 * exams
 
 Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
 * Lunch & dinner
 
 Q7. What looks like half an apple?
 * The other half
 
 Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
 * Wet
 
 Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
 * No problem, he sleeps at night.
 
 Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
 * You will never find an elephant that has one hand.
 
 Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
 * Very large hands
 
 Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
 *No time at all, the wall is already built.
 
 Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
 *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 26, 2016, 04:25:42 PM
 ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 27, 2016, 05:13:46 AM


There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.

 He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 27, 2016, 04:28:09 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 28, 2016, 03:45:06 AM

An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his tie before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 25 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings.
She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 28, 2016, 04:20:01 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 30, 2016, 04:07:04 AM

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

 So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?"

 The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

 The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 30, 2016, 05:24:26 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 01, 2016, 04:30:28 AM

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 01, 2016, 05:59:11 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 02, 2016, 03:06:59 AM


Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

 Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

 Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

 Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

 Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

 If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

 Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

 Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

 How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

 If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 02, 2016, 03:32:10 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 05, 2016, 03:19:16 AM


A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

 St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

 Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

 St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 05, 2016, 04:16:12 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 06, 2016, 04:21:03 AM


The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

 "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

 "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

 "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 06, 2016, 04:34:50 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 07, 2016, 04:22:09 AM

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

 When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

 "How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.

 "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 07, 2016, 05:28:47 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 08, 2016, 04:29:56 AM

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

 "No," the second guy says.

 "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

 "Oh," says the second guy.

 A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

 "See what?" the second guy asks.

 "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

 "Oh."

 A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

 By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

 And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 08, 2016, 05:06:59 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 10, 2016, 03:16:48 AM


President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.


 


It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.


 


The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll  get it."


 


The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed onto the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.


 


The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless.


 


No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.


 


But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN all knew how to cover the story. Their banner headlines read,


 


"TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"


 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 10, 2016, 03:41:33 AM
 ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 11, 2016, 05:38:27 AM



A collection of insults!
 If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.

 If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.

 Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.

 Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.

 I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!

 I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

 They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.

 You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.

 People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!

 You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.

 I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!

 If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 11, 2016, 04:25:23 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 12, 2016, 02:51:09 AM


A man rushes into drugstore and asks the pharmacist for something guaranteed to stop hiccups. The pharmacist slowly poured a glass of water and when it was full he picked it up, suddenly screamed at the top of his lungs, and threw the water into the man's face. "Why did you do that?" the man yelled angrily. "Well you don't have hiccups now do you?" replied the pharmacist. "NO!" shouted the man. "But my wife in the car still does!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 12, 2016, 03:39:48 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 13, 2016, 04:04:47 AM


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

 "Yes, sir," the boys said.

 "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

 A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 13, 2016, 05:45:36 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 14, 2016, 03:33:51 AM

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

 This needs no explanation - and is a fun read, no matter your gender.

 Men Are Just Happier People.

 What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
 Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
 A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
 You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

 NICKNAMES

 If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

 If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

 EATING OUT
 When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

 When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 MONEY
 A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

 A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 BATHROOMS
 A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

 The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

 ARGUMENTS

 A woman has the last word in any argument.

 Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 FUTURE
 A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

 A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 MARRIAGE

 A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

 A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

 DRESSING UP

 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

 A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 NATURAL

 Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

 Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 OFFSPRING

 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

 A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 14, 2016, 04:57:33 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 15, 2016, 04:47:24 AM


The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

 Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

 He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 15, 2016, 05:22:26 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 16, 2016, 03:23:15 AM


A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 16, 2016, 06:59:42 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 17, 2016, 03:33:34 AM


The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.

"Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan's hand.

As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked.

"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"

"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.

"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 17, 2016, 06:42:03 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 17, 2016, 05:07:22 PM


                   12 Redneck Days of Christmas

                     12 pack of Bud
                     11 wrestling tickets
                     10 cans of Copenhagen
                      9 years probation
                      8 table dancers
                      7 packs of Redman
                      6 cans of Spam
                      5 Flannel Shirts
                      4 mud tires
                      3 shotgun shells
                      2 hunting dogs
                      and a part to a Mustang GT
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 18, 2016, 03:50:57 AM

A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside committal service at a small country cemetery in Iowa. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left in Iowa. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way. After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workmen were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service in its entirety. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Maybe we'd better tell him that's the septic tank."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 18, 2016, 06:26:54 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 19, 2016, 06:51:41 AM


Flying home from France on a recent trip I noticed a rather haggard looking mom walking into the customs area with eight children-- all under age 10. Collecting their many suitcases, the nine of them entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched the large entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?'' ''Yes, sir,'' the lady said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.''

The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or drugs in your possession?''

''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 19, 2016, 05:00:54 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 20, 2016, 05:20:42 AM


When Fishermen Meet

 "Hiyamac"

 "Lobuddy"

 "Binearlong?"

 "Coplours"

 "Cetchenny?"

 "Goddafew"

 "Kindarthay?"

 "Bassencarp"

 "Ennysizetoom?"

 "Couplapowns"

 "Hittinhard?"

 "Sordalike"

 "Wachoosen?"

 "Gobbawurms"

 "Fishanonaboddum?"

 "Rydononaboddum"

 "Whatchadrinkin?"

 "Jugajimbeam"

 "Igoddago"

 "Tubad"

 "Seeyaroun"

 "Yeahtakideezy"

 "Guluck"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 20, 2016, 04:49:28 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 21, 2016, 03:29:07 AM


I talked to a  to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all.  I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.  I was working on my MBA on-line.  I had no bills and no debt.  I even had full medical coverage."



I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened?  Drugs?  Alcohol?


Divorce?"


"Oh no, nothing like that," he said.


"No, no.  I got out of prison."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 21, 2016, 03:43:46 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 22, 2016, 04:11:50 AM


Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore." "I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since." replied Jack. "That must be expensive." Bob replied. "He charges $5,000 a month." Jack told him. "$5,000!!? How in the world can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob. "I don't know, that's his problem."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 22, 2016, 04:27:40 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 23, 2016, 05:11:24 AM


When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered "Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe", he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" Joe responds painfully, "The balcony!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: adkRoy on Dec 23, 2016, 06:08:35 AM
      John and Bob were out hunting behind John's house. Around lunchtime Bob radios John and says" I can see your house, I can see into your living room. Your wife is having an affair with another guy right now!"
     John replies back " Shoot her in the head for me, and shoot him in his privates so he suffers!"
     Bob replies back" No problem, I can do it with only one shot!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 23, 2016, 03:37:12 PM


     hehehe  Nice one Roy  :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 24, 2016, 04:10:58 AM


A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

 "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

 As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

 "It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 24, 2016, 06:32:25 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 25, 2016, 04:01:36 AM


While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”

The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, 
I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”

He promptly replied, “Another train.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 26, 2016, 05:11:32 AM


An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

 After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

 Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

 He replies, "To the kitchen."

 She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

 He replies, "Sure."

 She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

 He says, "No, I can remember that."

 She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

 He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

 She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

 With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

 After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

 She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 27, 2016, 05:40:07 AM


A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

 "I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

 When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 27, 2016, 06:29:17 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 28, 2016, 03:24:29 AM


You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

 Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

 The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

 By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

 The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

 The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 28, 2016, 06:15:56 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 29, 2016, 06:49:51 AM

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:

 16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

 15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

 14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

 13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

 12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

 11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

 10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

 9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

 8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

 7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

 6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

 5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

 4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

 3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

 2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 29, 2016, 06:52:00 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 30, 2016, 03:33:55 AM


             Here are some Dumb Laws from Connecticut!

 You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.

 In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.



Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!

 It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.

 You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays.

 The marriage of imbeciles and feeble-minded persons is prohibited. (Repealed)

 It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway.

 No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind.


Devon
 It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
Guilford
 Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display.
Hartford
 You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands. You may not educate dogs. It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.
New Britain
 It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire.
Southington
 Silly string is banned.
Waterbury
 It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 30, 2016, 06:26:03 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 31, 2016, 03:54:29 AM
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

 My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

 New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.

 My New Years resolution is 1080p

 I'm getting drunk just thinking about tomorrow night.

 My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.

 If your born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!

 I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!

 If 2016 was a person, I'd sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.

 This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

 You don't have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.

 People treat New Year's like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.

 I'll remember 2016 like it was yesterday

 Dear Luck, .....can we be friends in 2017 Please?

 In 2017, may your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you, and heaven accept you.

 May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.

 I hereby resolve not to catch fire while riding a flaming hover board....again.

 Dear God, my prayer for 2017 is a FAT bank account and a THIN body. Please don't mix it up like you did this year.

 I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck they'd get a Bloody Mary.

 Remember you can reset your resolutions on January 14th (Orthodox New Year) and February 8th (Chinese New Year). After that, even I can't help you.

 I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2016 and a beautiful beginning into 2017.

 Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.

 Every year I make a resolution to change myself....... this year making a resolution to be myself!

 I'm planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2017.

 Just heard that in 2017 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

 My New Years Resolution is to break my New Years Resolutions....That way I succeed at something!

 Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it.

 Keep the smile, Leave the tear, Hold the laugh, Leave the pain, Think of joy, Forget the fear.
 Be joyous, cause its a New Year.

 New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.

 I'm actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.

 My 2017 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.

 People think New Years is a life changing event. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.

 May all your troubles last as long as your New Years resolutions.

 It's officially New Year Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.

 Tonight the Mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington.

 There have been many times in 2015, when I have annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you, and bugged the hell out of you....today I just wanna tell you I plan to continue in 2017!

 The only ball that will be dropping on Times Square this New Years Eve is MINE.
 Sincerely,

 Lance Armstrong.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 31, 2016, 06:08:32 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 01, 2017, 05:19:52 AM


(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/new_years_day_tradition.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/new_years_day_tradition.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 01, 2017, 07:07:14 AM
  Ooooh so true   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 02, 2017, 03:34:06 AM



For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.   

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 


2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 


3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 


4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.. 
 


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 02, 2017, 06:32:42 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 03, 2017, 04:50:27 AM


A lady walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the lady hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the lady returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The lady replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 04, 2017, 03:43:29 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 04, 2017, 05:00:39 AM


An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "There's no way they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife, smiling. "Great," he says, "they're coming home for Christmas AND paying their own way!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 04, 2017, 04:55:12 PM


    hehehe   finally they fend for themselves
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 05, 2017, 04:23:13 AM



Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test.


   

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.

As we grow older, it’s important to keep mentally alert.

If you don’t use it, you will lose it !!!


   

Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test.

Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.


   

Take this test to determine if you’re losing it or not.


   

The spaces below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve answered.


   

OK, RELAX, clear your mind and begin.


   


   


   


   


   


   

#1. What do you put in a toaster ?


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and go do something else.


   

And, try not to hurt yourself.    If you said, bread, go to Question #2.


   


   


   


   


   


   


   

# 2. Say 'silk' ten times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink ?


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.


   

Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat.



   






Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World.


   

However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question #3.


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   

# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from ?


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.


   


   


   

If you said 'green bricks', why are you still reading this ???   PLEASE, go lie down !


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   

But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   

# 4. Please do not use a calculator for this for it would be cheating:


   


   


   

You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia.


   

In Staten Island, 17 people got on the bus.


   

In New Brunswick, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.


   

In Windsor, 2 people get off and 4 get on.


   

In Trenton, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.


   

In Bristol, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.


   

And, in Camden, 6 people get off and 3 get on.


   


   


   

You then arrive at Philadelphia Station.


   


   


   


   


   

Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver ?


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   



   






Answer: Oh, for crying out loud !


   


   


   


   


   


   


   

Don't you remember your own age?!?! It was YOU driving the bus!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 05, 2017, 03:13:03 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 06, 2017, 03:45:45 AM

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

 Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

 The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

 The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 06, 2017, 04:04:40 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 07, 2017, 04:21:23 AM


A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
















 
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
 
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
 
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
 
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
 
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
 
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
 
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 07, 2017, 06:57:09 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 08, 2017, 06:36:14 PM

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
 
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
 
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
 
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
 
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 09, 2017, 02:47:13 AM



Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
 
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
 
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
 
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 09, 2017, 07:36:49 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 09, 2017, 07:38:34 AM



                  I was out with this girl; I bought some drinks. We went back to my hotel room,
                  she starts throwing up the drinks that I bought all over the hotel room;
                  it was very upsetting. It was like she was throwing up my money on my money.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 10, 2017, 03:21:35 AM


Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
 
'It is!'
 
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
 
'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
 
'I do!'
 
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
 
'He is!'
 
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
 
'He will.'
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 10, 2017, 03:43:31 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 10, 2017, 03:49:55 AM


          You wake up the next morning in your bathroom: no shirt on,
          a quarter stuck to your back, reach into your pocket for your money and it's -- nothing....
          Only thing scarier than that is same scenario, but you reach down your pocket and find $750,
          and you're like, 'Oh, what the " hell " did I do last night?'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 11, 2017, 03:20:38 AM




An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
 
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
 
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
 
Man: 'What sins?'
 
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
 
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
 
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
 
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .. . . . I'm telling everybody!'
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 11, 2017, 03:58:41 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 11, 2017, 04:01:02 AM


           I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight,
           but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend
           that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the
           audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 12, 2017, 03:14:07 AM


                     ???
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 12, 2017, 03:14:33 AM




An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
 
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
 
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
 
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 12, 2017, 03:51:54 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 12, 2017, 04:05:20 AM

                       


            The only thing I liked about camping was the fact that you can be drunk and have dirty feet,
             and you still had a pretty good chance of hooking up. That's a good vacation.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: adkRoy on Jan 12, 2017, 08:54:22 AM
(http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y62/adkRoy/ppermit_zpssdqx9a9j.jpg) (http://s3.photobucket.com/user/adkRoy/media/ppermit_zpssdqx9a9j.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 12, 2017, 03:11:09 PM


          hehehe  :)   Nice one  :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 12, 2017, 03:44:15 PM


                   nice one Roy!  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 13, 2017, 03:48:19 AM




A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
 
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
 
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
 
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
 'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
 
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
 
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
 
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 13, 2017, 06:26:56 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 14, 2017, 01:51:57 PM


              Two rednecks walk down a dirt path.
              One man has a big sack over his shoulder.

              The other man asks what's in the sack.

              The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."

              The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack.

             "Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck,
             "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack,
             I'll give them both to you."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 15, 2017, 02:51:58 AM



                                  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 15, 2017, 02:52:29 AM


Wife:        'What are you doing?'
 
Husband:    Nothing.

Wife:        'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband:   'I was looking for the expiration date.'
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 15, 2017, 06:40:53 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 15, 2017, 04:08:02 PM


          A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos,
          so she asks him what it's for. He responds,

         "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

          The blonde immediately buys one for herself.
          The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.

           Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"

           She replies, "Soup and ice cream."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 16, 2017, 03:51:30 AM




                                    ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 16, 2017, 03:51:52 AM



Girl:     'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'   

Boy:     'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'   

Girl:     'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 16, 2017, 05:42:53 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 17, 2017, 05:16:10 AM


Son:     'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'   
 
Mom:    'Well, you have done the right thing.'   
 
Son:     'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 17, 2017, 05:20:21 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 17, 2017, 05:24:47 PM


                      A guy took a blonde out on a date.
                      Eventually they ended up parked at lover's point where they started making out.
                      After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her,
                     "Do you want to go in the back seat?" "No!" she answered.
                      Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off,
                      the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again,
                     "Do you want to go in the back seat?" "No!" she answers again.
                      Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped.
                      Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now. "Do you want to go in the back seat?" he asks again.
                     "No!" she answers yet again. Frustrated, he demands, "Well why not?"
                     "Because I want to stay up here with you!"

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/blondejokes/datewithblondejoke.html
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 18, 2017, 04:49:38 AM


                            ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 18, 2017, 04:50:50 AM

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'   


'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 18, 2017, 05:43:29 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 20, 2017, 03:48:52 AM



A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied ,

'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 20, 2017, 03:49:47 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 21, 2017, 05:21:10 AM

A lady wanted to board her horse. The first farmer she asked said he would keep it at $25 a day, plus he would keep the manure. She thought that was too high and went to another farmer. His price was $20 per day plus he would get to keep the manure. Then she went to a third farmer who asked just $5 a day. The lady asked, "Don't you want to keep the manure?" The farmer said, "At $5 a day, there won't be any!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 22, 2017, 04:05:29 AM


Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven." "What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that you're pitching on Wednesday."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 22, 2017, 07:19:17 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 22, 2017, 07:33:04 AM


               A blonde reads that if you bathe in milk, it makes your skin beautiful.

               So the next morning she leaves a note for the milkman, "Leave me 115 quarts of milk."

               The next morning milkman reads this and thinks I better make sure this is what she wants.

               He rings the bell and here is this beautiful blond with great complexion and tiny waist, he asks her if this is right.

               She replies, "Yes it's good to bathe in milk." The milkman then asks her if she wants it pasteurized.

               She answers, "Oh no, just past my neck would be fine!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 23, 2017, 04:13:17 AM


                   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 23, 2017, 04:13:36 AM


Flying home from France on a recent trip I noticed a rather haggard looking mom walking into the customs area with eight children-- all under age 10. Collecting their many suitcases, the nine of them entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched the large entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?'' ''Yes, sir,'' the lady said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.''

The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or drugs in your possession?''

''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 23, 2017, 04:40:53 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 24, 2017, 03:44:58 AM

Three Old Ladies Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down. " The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," she raps her knuckles on the table, then says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 24, 2017, 03:52:14 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 24, 2017, 12:29:23 PM


                   Why do Grandpas smile all the time?

                   Because they can't hear a word you're saying


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 25, 2017, 03:31:49 AM


                      ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 25, 2017, 03:32:15 AM


A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"

 The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"

 The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"

 By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."

 Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"

 The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 25, 2017, 03:47:18 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 26, 2017, 03:29:21 AM


HIS and HERS Road Trip

 HERS:

 Pulls off at wrong exit.

 opens window

 asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer

 Arrives at destination presently.

 HIS:

 Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

 Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

 Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

 Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air

 Pulls up to a 7 -11

 Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky

 Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

 Gets back into car.

 Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

 Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.

 Almost hits a deer

 Curses the night

 Curses you

 Curses the large slurpee

 Drives and fiddles with radio.

 Yells at you for suggesting the map again

 Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

 He hates your sister.

 Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel

 He had to look up pernicious.

 Couldn't find a dictionary.

 Finally found a dictionary

 Couldn't spell pernicious.

 Seethes at the memory of it all

 But she is laughing inside...

 And of course you're still lost.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 26, 2017, 03:52:50 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 27, 2017, 03:58:47 AM


                  A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of
                  orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
                  As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her
                  watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases,
                  the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation,
                  but she was Intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.   
                  She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections   
                  that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her,
                 she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 28, 2017, 04:51:42 AM



                             ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 28, 2017, 04:52:59 AM
In troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:












   1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
   2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
   3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
   4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 28, 2017, 05:51:16 PM
 ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 29, 2017, 04:11:31 AM


GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do ?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 29, 2017, 06:28:21 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 29, 2017, 06:44:02 AM
   

                                         (http://i1210.photobucket.com/albums/cc419/NEK-Sportsmen/what_are_you_doing7504_th_zpsf78ljuh4.jpg) (http://s1210.photobucket.com/user/NEK-Sportsmen/media/what_are_you_doing7504_th_zpsf78ljuh4.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 30, 2017, 04:15:06 AM


                                                 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 30, 2017, 04:15:28 AM


A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 30, 2017, 04:51:32 PM



                              Why do ducks fly over Irving upside down?
                              There's nothing worth craping on!




Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 31, 2017, 05:41:34 PM


                         Little Old Lady;
                A little old lady got on a city bus, and sat down behind the bus driver.
                After a couple minutes, she asked him,
               "Hey, mister! Want some peanuts?", and held up a bag full. "Sure!", he said,
                and popped a handful in his mouth. After eating several more, he asked,
                "Hey...don't you want to have some of these?" "Nope," the old lady replied,
                "Ain't got no teeth! I just likes the chocolate on the outsides!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 31, 2017, 06:30:23 PM



                         ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 01, 2017, 04:06:27 AM
                           Aging Blonde

                   Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator?

                   She couldn't find the 10 key.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 01, 2017, 04:10:38 AM


                           ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 01, 2017, 04:10:56 AM

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night ? That's very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed !"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 01, 2017, 04:45:13 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 02, 2017, 03:38:07 AM


An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

 "Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 02, 2017, 01:57:21 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 02, 2017, 01:59:27 PM


                                             Stand Up
                   
                           "Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of global warming,
                             sea levels will rise so much that parts of New Jersey will be under water.
                             The bad news? Parts of New Jersey won't be under water."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 03, 2017, 04:28:15 AM



                       :D That's not nice!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 03, 2017, 04:29:11 AM


I was standing at the bar in Terminal 3 at the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says, "No I don't.  And why the hell would you ask me that?  Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little %&($
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 03, 2017, 06:48:31 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 03, 2017, 02:06:00 PM

                         George W. Bush gets done eating dinner at the Whitehouse when he steps out onto the Whitehouse porch to get some
                         fresh air.
                        After a few minutes he noticed someone had urinated his name in the snow. Furious,
                        George goes to the secret service and demands to know who urinated his name in the snow.
                       The secret service tells George "Yes sir Mr. President, we will get right on it".
                       A couple of hours goes by and the secret service comes back and says "Mr. President,
                       We have good news and we have bad news". George says" What's the good news?".
                       Secret service says "We had the urine analyzed and it came back as Al Gores." George says,
                       I knew he would betray me". Then George says, "What's the bad news?".
                       The Secret service says, "We think it's Hillary Clinton's handwriting".


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 04, 2017, 07:22:55 AM


                          What do you call a basement full of blondes?

                          A whine cellar.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 05, 2017, 03:51:08 AM



                                    ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 05, 2017, 03:52:49 AM

When my 4 year old grand daughter, , said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, she would say,"And all girls."
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, " why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men' !"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 05, 2017, 06:29:46 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 05, 2017, 06:41:21 AM


                  A married man and his secretary were having torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion,
                  so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.
                  When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly.
                  Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered,
                  she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door.
                  Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair.
                  Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late.
                  " The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes.
                  YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 05, 2017, 06:47:47 AM


                            ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 06, 2017, 03:45:51 AM


Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do" his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 06, 2017, 07:01:43 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 06, 2017, 04:16:30 PM


               How can you tell if a man with a beard is gay or straight?

               The smell.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 06, 2017, 04:43:05 PM


             That's gross! :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 07, 2017, 04:00:04 AM


A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

 The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 07, 2017, 06:50:04 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 07, 2017, 04:50:26 PM


                      A blonde, who had just dyed her hair, went to the hospital because her whole body hurt.
                      She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate.
                      She touched her nose and it hurt. She touched her stomach and it hurt.
                      The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes.

                      " Look Here Lady, your finger is broken! "


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 08, 2017, 05:09:08 AM



                    ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 08, 2017, 05:09:30 AM


How to be politically correct with women

 She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

 She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

 She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

 She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

 She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

 She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

 She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

 She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

 She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

 She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

 She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

 She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

 She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

 She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

 She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

 She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

 She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

 She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

 She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

 She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 08, 2017, 06:23:48 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 08, 2017, 12:40:53 PM


                    A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some dinner,
                   and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up.
                   The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt.
                  ''Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?''


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 09, 2017, 03:27:34 AM


                                  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 09, 2017, 03:28:41 AM



One time I got sick and landed in the hospital.


There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy. 
 
 Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child. 
 She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “and how are  we doing
 this morning?”



 


Or.... "are  we ready for a bath?" Or… "are  we hungry?" 



 


I had enough of this particular nurse. 



 


One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my
 bedside stand. 



 


Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing.  So you know where the juice went!
 
 
 
 The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked
 at it and said,  “My, my, it seems  we are a little cloudy today.”
 
At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, “Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!” 
 
The nurse fainted.. I just smiled! 
 
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 09, 2017, 06:41:29 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 09, 2017, 07:09:30 AM


                       Do you know what the secret of an islamic marriage is?
                   
                       The man get's to see a striptease every night.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 10, 2017, 04:21:45 AM


                  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 10, 2017, 04:22:14 AM



This is one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in a while.

Someone out there
Must be "deadly" at Scrabble.

 

Wait till you see the last one!

 

It's going to be hard to top because
It fits to a "T"

 

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

 

 

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

 

 

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

 

 

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

 

 

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

 

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

 

 

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

 

 

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

 

 

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

 

 

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

 

 

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

 

 

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

 

 

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

 

 

 


AND FINALLY....
FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

 

 


PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
When you rearrange the letters:
An Arab Backed Imposter

 

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 10, 2017, 06:36:20 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 10, 2017, 05:26:37 PM


                    How do you play Taliban bingo?

                       B-52...F-16...B-1...


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 11, 2017, 04:22:28 AM



                           ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 11, 2017, 04:22:51 AM


Three traveling salesmen break down in front of a fruit farm and ask to spend the night.

The farmer says, “Yes, but you may not speak to my daughter, or you will face the consequences.” The three men agree.

Of course, none of them can resist talking with the gregarious daughter, and the farmer is incensed. He forces the three men to go out to the fields and pick 10 pieces of fruit they like.

The first guy comes back with grapes. The farmer holds his shotgun on him and says, “OK, start shoving them up your nose.” The man does it.

The second guy comes back with cherries, and the farmer tell him to do the same thing, whereupon the second man bursts out laughing.

The farmer says, “What’s so funny?”

Between giggles, the second guy says, “Well, George’ll be back in a minute. See, he’s picking watermelons.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 11, 2017, 07:15:14 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 11, 2017, 09:40:10 AM
 

                      A  Blonde & Her Two Coats

           While her husband was at work, a blonde decided to paint their living room.
           After her husband arrives home, he finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat while wearing a parka and a mink. 
           He asked her what she was doing.
           She said, "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb,
           and I wanted to do it by painting the living room."
           He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but asked,
          "Why are you wearing two coats?
           She replied, "I read the directions on the paint can, and they said,
          ''For best results, put on two coats!'"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 12, 2017, 04:32:40 AM


                       ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 12, 2017, 04:33:01 AM


At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

 "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"

 An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 12, 2017, 06:45:25 AM

 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 12, 2017, 06:48:47 AM


                     How do you know when a blonde has a brain fart?

                     Her ears flap.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 13, 2017, 03:51:36 AM


                                    ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 13, 2017, 03:51:55 AM


The English Language

 Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

 Let's face it
 English is a stupid language.
 There is no egg in the eggplant
 No ham in the hamburger
 And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
 English muffins were not invented in England
 French fries were not invented in France.

 We sometimes take English for granted
 But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
 Quicksand takes you down slowly
 Boxing rings are square
 And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

 If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
 If the plural of tooth is teeth
 Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
 If the teacher taught,
 Why didn't the preacher praught.

 If a vegetarian eats vegetables
 What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
 Why do people recite at a play
 Yet play at a recital?
 Park on driveways and
 Drive on parkways

 You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
 Of a language where a house can burn up as
 It burns down
 And in which you fill in a form
 By filling it out
 And a bell is only heard once it goes!

 English was invented by people, not computers
 And it reflects the creativity of the human race
 (Which of course isn't a race at all)

 That is why
 When the stars are out they are visible
 But when the lights are out they are invisible
 And why it is that when I wind up my watch
 It starts
 But when I wind up this observation,
 It ends.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 13, 2017, 08:08:38 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 13, 2017, 08:09:50 AM

          Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.

          Julie: "I should warn you, Ted: I've got acute angina."

          Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 14, 2017, 03:31:20 AM


                        ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 14, 2017, 03:31:40 AM

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 14, 2017, 07:54:37 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 14, 2017, 07:57:26 AM
 

                      A blondes Brain at work

         A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early.

        "Hey girls," says the brunette. "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

         So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some extra gardening done,
         the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.
         She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

        "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

        "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 15, 2017, 06:55:12 AM


          Arkansas Fried Chicken

What do you get when you order a 'Hillary Clinton' at KFC?

Two breasts and a left wing
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 16, 2017, 01:36:41 PM
                         Deer  Meat

                  A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
                 
                  Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

                 The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
               
                 Well, he said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'.

                The little girl screams to her brother 'Don't eat it, it's an a**hole..


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 17, 2017, 02:33:12 AM


                             ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 17, 2017, 02:33:41 AM



LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?     A lexophile of course!

 .    Venison for dinner again?   Oh deer!

 .    How does Moses make tea?   Hebrews it.

 .    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

 .    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

 .    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

 .    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.  It's syncing now.

 .    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

 .    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any
 time

 .    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on
 me

 .    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
 never met herbivore.

 .    When chemists die, they barium.

 .    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.   I just can't put it down.

 .    I did a theatrical performance about puns.   It was a play on words.

 .    Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.

 .    I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.

 .    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
 couldn't control her pupils?

 .    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

 .    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

 .    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

 .    Velcro - what a rip off!

 .    Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 17, 2017, 06:22:10 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 17, 2017, 06:24:59 AM
                                         Blondes  Jelly

                        I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
                       "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
                        I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 18, 2017, 04:11:57 AM

I always get a kick out of some of these terminology list, I hope the rest of you do


Medical terminology

Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 18, 2017, 05:59:13 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 18, 2017, 06:00:45 AM


                  How can you tell when you're playing against a radicalized Muslim Quarterback?
           
                 When he goes under center to call signals and yells out "Kill Kill Kill...B-52 B-52...Ji-hu


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 19, 2017, 04:11:53 AM
 


                                  :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 19, 2017, 04:12:20 AM


Translations for men
 These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

 "IT'S A GUY THING"

 Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

 "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

 Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

 "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

 Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

 "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

 Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

 "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

 Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

 "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

 Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

 "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

 Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car

 I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

 "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

 Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

 "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

 Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

 "I CAN'T FIND IT."

 Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

 "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

 Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"

 "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

 Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

 "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

 Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 19, 2017, 06:00:11 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 19, 2017, 06:01:13 AM


                              Blonde Coffee Drinker

                 A blonde says to her doctor, "Each time I try to sip my coffee, my eye hurts."

                 The doctor says, "Maybe you should take the stirrer out of the cup."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 20, 2017, 07:05:29 AM


              My friend once went to a strip club in Abu Dhabi and got thrown out after saying: "Show us your face".

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 22, 2017, 07:10:02 AM


                                     ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 22, 2017, 07:10:40 AM



              Evaluating employees

 RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:

 "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

 "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

 "I would not allow this employee to breed."

 "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

 "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

 "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

 "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

 "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

 "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

 "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 22, 2017, 11:19:53 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 23, 2017, 07:35:14 AM


               

               An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
               The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days.
               This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she's been trying to get rid of.
               The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days,
               she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds.
               She then phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
               At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 24, 2017, 06:44:16 AM


                                ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 24, 2017, 06:44:38 AM

A lawyer, let's call him Bill, boarded a flight in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put
 it in the crew's refrigerator for the duration of the flight.
He told her he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand". Not a hand went up......So she took them home and ate them.


There are two lessons to be learned here:


1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.


2. Blondes aren't as dumb as people think they are.


 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 24, 2017, 06:53:41 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 24, 2017, 06:55:29 AM


                        A Blonde's Brain               

     What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

     Pregnant.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 25, 2017, 04:38:28 AM


                                ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 25, 2017, 04:38:56 AM



"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

 "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

 "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."


 
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 25, 2017, 06:23:00 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 26, 2017, 03:22:52 AM


A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

 Finally the pro asks her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

 The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

 As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

 "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 26, 2017, 07:11:52 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 26, 2017, 07:13:28 AM
                               A Crazy Person in the Woods

                               How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

                               They take the psychopath.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 26, 2017, 07:59:58 AM



                              ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 27, 2017, 04:34:57 AM

                 OK, it's dumb laws again


 
            Florida Crazy Law

•Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.


•It is considered an offense to shower naked.



Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!


•You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.


•It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road.


•Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.


•If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.


•It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.


•You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.


•Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.


•It is illegal to skateboard without a license.


•A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.


•Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.


Big Pine Key

•It is illegal to molest a Key deer. If caught one will be fined or will have to go to jail.


Cape Coral

•It is against the city ordinance to hang your clothes outside on a clothesline.


•It it illegal to park a pick-up truck in your driveway or in front of your house on the street. This law is limited to only those who do not own the house. (Repealed 2000)


Daytona Beach

•Sec. 10-56. While intoxicated, under influence of narcotics, prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person to swim or bathe in that portion of the Atlantic Ocean within the corporate limits of the city when under the influence of intoxicating liquor or narcotic drugs to the extent that his or her normal faculties are impaired. (Code 1955, � 28-64)


•Sec. 18-2. Weeds, trash, etc., as a public nuisance; removal by property owner or by city at owner's expense; notice and hearing; lien for expenses. (a) The existence of weeds, trash, undergrowth, brush, filth, garbage or other refuse on any lot, tract or parcel of land within the city which has caused the property to become, or which may reasonably cause the property to become infested, or inhabited by rodents, vermin or wild animals, or may furnish a breeding place for mosquitoes or threatens the public health, safety or welfare, or may reasonably cause disease or adversely affects and impairs the economic welfare of the adjacent property, is declared to constitute a public nuisance and is hereby prohibited.


•Sec. 22-44. Storage, depositing prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person, either as owner, occupant, lessee, agent, tenant, or otherwise, to store or deposit, or cause or permit to be stored or deposited, any abandoned, junked or discarded motor vehicle or motor vehicles upon any public or private property within the city. (Code 1955, � 20-11)


•The molestation of trash cans is banned.


Hialeah

•Ambling and strolling is a misdemeanor.


•Sec. 3-1. Bird sanctuary declared. (a) It is hereby declared that all territory embraced within the corporate limits of the municipality shall be a bird sanctuary. (b) It shall be unlawful for any person within the municipality to shoot, trap or in any manner kill, wound or maim any bird of any kind, or at any time to throw at any birds of any kind any missile with slingshots or any other weapon, or to disturb their eggs or their young or their nests. (Ord. No. 8-59, �� 1, 2, 8-10-59)


•Jupiter Inlet Colony Inlet


Key West

•Chickens are considered a 'protected species'.


Miami

•Sec. 8-3. Bell or other warning device. No person shall operate a bicycle unless it is equipped with a bell or device capable of giving a signal audible for a distance of at least 100 feet, but no bicycle shall be equipped with, nor shall any person use upon a bicycle, any siren or whistle. (Code 1967, � 8-3; Code 1980, � 8-3)


•It is illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.


Pensacola

•A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils.


•It is illegal to roll a barrel on any street, fines go up according to the contents of the barrel.


•Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person.


Pinecrest

•In order to operate a burglar alarm, a permit must be obtained. Sec. 12-23. Registration required; application; transferability; false statements. (a)All persons must complete and submit to the village an emergency contact registration form for their alarm if they operate or cause to be operated an alarm system in the village. A separate registration is required for each alarm system. Upon receipt of a completed registration form, the police department shall issue a numbered alarm sticker to the applicant to facilitate retrieval of registration information. (Ord. No. 97-17, � 1, 10-14-97)


Sanford

•Stage nudity is banned, with the exception of "bona fide" theatrical performances. Violating this ordinance results in a $100 fine.


Sarasota

•You may not catch crabs.


•If you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00.


Tampa Bay

•It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6:00 P.M.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 28, 2017, 04:25:49 AM



              Hick computer terms

 Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.

 Log Off: Don't add no wood.

 Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.

 Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.

 Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.

 Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.

 Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.

 Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.

 Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.

 Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.

 Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.

 Byte: That's what the flies do.

 Chip: What to munch on.

 Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.

 Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.

 Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.

 Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.

 Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.

 Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.

 Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.

 Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.

 Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.

 Port: Fancy wine.

 Enter: C'mon in.

 Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 28, 2017, 01:50:59 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 28, 2017, 01:52:34 PM

               How do you keep a blonde busy for hours? Scroll down...














                 Scroll up...


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 01, 2017, 03:56:56 AM


                        ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 01, 2017, 03:57:25 AM


Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

 Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

 Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

 Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 01, 2017, 06:54:00 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 01, 2017, 08:09:38 AM


                                  A Chewy Riddle


                 What goes in hard and pink but comes out soft and mushy?

                 Bubblegum -- and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 02, 2017, 05:16:01 AM



                      ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 02, 2017, 05:16:18 AM


A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

 The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".

 The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."

 "That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

 "Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

 The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

 "Sure" replies the owner.

 So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

 Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

 Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!

 The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

 Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!

 WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

 The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

 The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 02, 2017, 05:45:08 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 02, 2017, 05:47:11 AM


                      Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror.

                      She picks it up, looks at it. "WOW! I know this person. I've seen this person before.

                    " The other blonde takes the mirror and looks at it and says, "Of course you do. It's me!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 03, 2017, 03:36:58 AM


                                 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 03, 2017, 03:37:36 AM




                                       If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

 Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

 Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

 Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

 Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

 Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

 Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

 Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 03, 2017, 06:52:44 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 03, 2017, 12:37:18 PM


                    Why aren't there any Walmarts in Afghanistan?

                    Because there is a target on every corner.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 04, 2017, 03:03:20 AM


                            :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 04, 2017, 03:04:33 AM


         You have to love what children come up with:

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 04, 2017, 06:07:15 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 04, 2017, 04:26:25 PM


                How can you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday?
             
                Tell her a joke on Wednesday.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 05, 2017, 05:23:09 AM


                                  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 05, 2017, 05:24:16 AM



(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/untitled_4.png) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/untitled_4.png.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 05, 2017, 02:11:12 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 05, 2017, 02:15:06 PM


                    Why does a blonde wear green lipstick?

                    Because red means Stop.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 06, 2017, 03:35:44 AM


                            ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 06, 2017, 03:36:03 AM



(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/untitled_5.png) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/untitled_5.png.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 07, 2017, 03:58:05 AM



 On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 07, 2017, 04:39:45 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 08, 2017, 04:22:14 AM



A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 09, 2017, 03:50:29 AM



 A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 09, 2017, 04:11:33 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 10, 2017, 03:35:42 AM


While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, an officer was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' he answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' he told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 10, 2017, 04:25:09 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 11, 2017, 03:09:07 AM


It was the end of the day when a police officer parked his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and he saw a little boy staring in at him. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.   'It sure is,' the officer replied.   Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 11, 2017, 05:25:29 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 12, 2017, 03:30:00 AM


While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 12, 2017, 07:32:56 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 13, 2017, 03:41:01 AM



Students
 in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term
 exam.  The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of
 Mother's Milk.'  The question was worth 70 points or none at
 all.  One student was hard put to think of seven
 advantages.  He
 wrote:




1)
 It is perfect formula for the
 child.




2)
 It provides immunity against several
 diseases.




3)
 It is always the right
 temperature.




4)
 It is inexpensive.




5)
 It bonds the child to mother and vice
 versa.




6)
 It is always available as
 needed.




And
 then the student was stuck.  Finally, in desperation, just
 before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he
 wrote:




7)
 It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the
 ground where the cat can't get
 it.




He
 got an A.




 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 13, 2017, 04:21:49 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 14, 2017, 03:10:56 AM


A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?'   'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 14, 2017, 04:07:12 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 15, 2017, 03:17:15 AM


While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.   The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'     (I want this line used at my funeral!)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 15, 2017, 04:57:53 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 16, 2017, 03:53:07 AM


A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.   'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.   'What have you got there, dear?'   With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam 's underwear!'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 16, 2017, 04:34:47 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 17, 2017, 04:50:16 AM


Paddy walked into a bar on St Patrick's Day and started ordering martini after martini.

With each drink, he removed the olives and put them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and he'd finished all the drinks, Paddy started to leave.

As he did so, a curious customer asked him, "Excuse me, but what was that all about?"

"Nothing really," replied Paddy, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 17, 2017, 05:02:13 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 18, 2017, 04:59:16 AM



A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in
Detroit.
 It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under
 awnings.

"Mom,"
 said the boy, "what are all those women
 doing?"

"They're
 waiting for their husbands to get off work," she
 replied.

The
 taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell
 him the truth?  They're hookers, boy!  They have sex
 with men for money."

The
 little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true
 Mom?"

His
 mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers
 "Yes."

After
 a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what
 happens to them?"


She
 said, "Most of them become taxi
 drivers."


 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 19, 2017, 05:13:13 AM



An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas
 once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a
 long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her
 oatmeal each morning.  She did this religiously and lived to
 the ripe old age of 103.  She left behind 14 children, 30
 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five
 great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium
 used to be.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 19, 2017, 06:38:15 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 20, 2017, 03:21:29 AM


It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

 A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...

 "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 22, 2017, 05:46:51 AM


              It's crazy law time again, here is the ones for Connecticut!You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.

 In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!

 It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.

 You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays.

 The marriage of imbeciles and feeble-minded persons is prohibited. (Repealed)

 It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway.

 No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind.


Devon
 It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
Guilford
 Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display.
Hartford
 You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands. You may not educate dogs. It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.
New Britain
 It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire.
Southington
 Silly string is banned.
Waterbury
 It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 23, 2017, 04:02:46 AM


              Here are a few quotes from Bumper stickers that will make you think!

I love animals, they taste great.

 EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

 "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

 Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

 The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

 Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

 He who laughs last thinks slowest!

 Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

 A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

 Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 23, 2017, 04:40:55 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 24, 2017, 03:17:15 AM

              Things to Ponder!

 Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

 Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

 Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

 Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

 Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

 If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

 Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

 Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

 How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

 If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 24, 2017, 03:23:57 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 25, 2017, 05:07:20 AM


With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old
 friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the
 hospital and went home, I went to visit.*




*'May I see the new baby?' I asked*>>
 *'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'*

 *Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'*
 *'No, not yet,' She said.*

 After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'*
 *'No, not yet,' replied my friend.*

 *Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'*
 *'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.*
 *'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. *
 *'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'*

 *'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?'*
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 25, 2017, 07:05:27 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 26, 2017, 04:57:12 AM


                 I have some more things that I ponder about, here are some!

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

 If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

 If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

 If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

 You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

 Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

 Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

 Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

 Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

 You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 26, 2017, 06:19:10 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 27, 2017, 03:39:38 AM


             It's time for Dumb Laws again, and it's Delaware's turn, it's a small state so there aren't that many!

 •It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.
Lewes


Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!


•It is illegal to wear pants that are "firm fitting" around the waist.


•Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 27, 2017, 04:02:38 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 28, 2017, 05:30:18 AM


         It's time for more things that make me think!

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

 If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?

 Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

 If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

 Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

 Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

 Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

 If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

 Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

 Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 29, 2017, 03:28:22 AM


Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

 Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

 Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 29, 2017, 04:03:43 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 02, 2017, 06:19:40 AM

            It dumb laws again!  Florida!

•Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.


•It is considered an offense to shower naked.



Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!


•You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.


•It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road.


•Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.


•If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.


•It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.


•You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.


•Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.


•It is illegal to skateboard without a license.


•A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.


•Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.


Big Pine Key

•It is illegal to molest a Key deer. If caught one will be fined or will have to go to jail.


Cape Coral

•It is against the city ordinance to hang your clothes outside on a clothesline.


•It it illegal to park a pick-up truck in your driveway or in front of your house on the street. This law is limited to only those who do not own the house. (Repealed 2000)


Daytona Beach

•Sec. 10-56. While intoxicated, under influence of narcotics, prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person to swim or bathe in that portion of the Atlantic Ocean within the corporate limits of the city when under the influence of intoxicating liquor or narcotic drugs to the extent that his or her normal faculties are impaired. (Code 1955, � 28-64)


•Sec. 18-2. Weeds, trash, etc., as a public nuisance; removal by property owner or by city at owner's expense; notice and hearing; lien for expenses. (a) The existence of weeds, trash, undergrowth, brush, filth, garbage or other refuse on any lot, tract or parcel of land within the city which has caused the property to become, or which may reasonably cause the property to become infested, or inhabited by rodents, vermin or wild animals, or may furnish a breeding place for mosquitoes or threatens the public health, safety or welfare, or may reasonably cause disease or adversely affects and impairs the economic welfare of the adjacent property, is declared to constitute a public nuisance and is hereby prohibited.


•Sec. 22-44. Storage, depositing prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person, either as owner, occupant, lessee, agent, tenant, or otherwise, to store or deposit, or cause or permit to be stored or deposited, any abandoned, junked or discarded motor vehicle or motor vehicles upon any public or private property within the city. (Code 1955, � 20-11)


•The molestation of trash cans is banned.


Hialeah

•Ambling and strolling is a misdemeanor.


•Sec. 3-1. Bird sanctuary declared. (a) It is hereby declared that all territory embraced within the corporate limits of the municipality shall be a bird sanctuary. (b) It shall be unlawful for any person within the municipality to shoot, trap or in any manner kill, wound or maim any bird of any kind, or at any time to throw at any birds of any kind any missile with slingshots or any other weapon, or to disturb their eggs or their young or their nests. (Ord. No. 8-59, �� 1, 2, 8-10-59)


•Jupiter Inlet Colony Inlet


Key West

•Chickens are considered a 'protected species'.


Miami

•Sec. 8-3. Bell or other warning device. No person shall operate a bicycle unless it is equipped with a bell or device capable of giving a signal audible for a distance of at least 100 feet, but no bicycle shall be equipped with, nor shall any person use upon a bicycle, any siren or whistle. (Code 1967, � 8-3; Code 1980, � 8-3)


•It is illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.


Pensacola

•A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils.


•It is illegal to roll a barrel on any street, fines go up according to the contents of the barrel.


•Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person.


Pinecrest

•In order to operate a burglar alarm, a permit must be obtained. Sec. 12-23. Registration required; application; transferability; false statements. (a)All persons must complete and submit to the village an emergency contact registration form for their alarm if they operate or cause to be operated an alarm system in the village. A separate registration is required for each alarm system. Upon receipt of a completed registration form, the police department shall issue a numbered alarm sticker to the applicant to facilitate retrieval of registration information. (Ord. No. 97-17, � 1, 10-14-97)

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 02, 2017, 07:04:58 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 07, 2017, 02:14:29 AM


A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.

 He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.

 When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.

 He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 07, 2017, 03:34:54 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 08, 2017, 04:13:14 AM



                                                  Georgia Crazy Law

•Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session.


•Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.



Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!


•Signs are required to be written in English.


•You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by "fighting" words.


•No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.


•It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office.


Acworth

•All citizens must own a rake.


Atlanta

•Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.


•One man may not be on another man's back.


Columbus

•Can't cut off a chicken's head on Sunday.
•It is illegal to carry a chicken by it's feet down Broadway on Sunday.


Gainesville

•Chicken must be eaten with the hands.


Jonesboro

•It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy"


Kennesaw

•Every head of household must possess a firearm of some kind.


Marietta

•Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.


St. Mary's

•No spitting on the sidewalk is permitted after dark.


Quitman

•Cars are not to drive on sidewalks.


•It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 08, 2017, 08:56:41 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 09, 2017, 04:42:54 AM


A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her.

 "How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.

 The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 09, 2017, 06:54:14 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 10, 2017, 04:26:52 AM


                    These are some more of my Ponderings!

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

 Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

 Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

 If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

 Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

 How can someone "draw a blank"?

 Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

 Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

 Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 What is another word for "thesaurus"?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 11, 2017, 03:48:25 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 11, 2017, 04:24:58 AM


Old Goat Quiz

 

Great mental exercise for the "older" crowd.
Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein

10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5, didn't you?

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers,
thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 12, 2017, 03:16:49 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 12, 2017, 03:33:43 AM



                                    Men writing the rules

 If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

 Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

 Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

 Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

 Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

 Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

 Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

 Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 13, 2017, 03:57:55 AM



                      Hawaii Crazy Law

•Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears.


•All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat.



Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!


Honolulu

•Within the limits of any public park, it is unlawful to annoy any bird. (SEC. 10-1.2)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Apr 13, 2017, 06:24:26 AM
I like that one about being fined for not owning a boat. Yesterday morning I had 3, but sold one in the PM....h2l
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 14, 2017, 03:42:59 AM

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang.

 walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God,

 there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".

 God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."

 St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"

 "Who, the New Yorkers?".

 "No, the Pearly Gates."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 15, 2017, 04:35:07 AM


Jose played high school football in California.

He was a great running back, but a really poor student.

At graduation, he didn't have enough credits.

But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the principal give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the principal agreed that if Jose could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place.

It was standing room only. The principal was on the stage and told him to come up. Diploma in hand, the principal said: "Jose, if you can answer this one question correctly I'll give you your diploma."

"Jose, how much is three times seven?"

Jose looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, pondering the question.

The other students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 15, 2017, 08:32:24 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 16, 2017, 03:46:07 AM




Why the Easter Bunny Brings Eggs


10. Big tax write-off.

9. Who ever heard of Easter Bricks?

8. Consider all of the varieties: scrambled, over easy, hard boiled.

7. He gets a good deal from the local chickens.

6. Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose.

5. Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board.

4. Because if it brought bottle rockets it would be the Independence Bunny.

3. Would you want to hunt for waffles?

2. He thinks guys should get chicks at least once a year.

1. Because the Energizer rabbit got the good job.

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 16, 2017, 08:12:05 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 17, 2017, 04:02:51 AM



On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.”


“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”


“Tiger Woods, the golfer.”


“Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that.”


The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.


“What are you doing?” asks the wife.


“I’m hungry. I’m calling room service.”


“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”


“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”


“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”


The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone.


“What are you doing now?” she asks.


“I’m still hungry, so I’m going to ring room service for some food.”


“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”


“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”


“He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”


The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.


Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.


The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”


“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole!”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 18, 2017, 05:12:48 AM




Wife's diary
 Dear Diary:
Conversation  wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could  talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what  was wrong; He said, "nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he  was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,  and not to worry about it.
On  the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and  kept driving.  I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he  didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When  we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted  nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.  He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally,  with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes  later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his  thoughts were somewhere else. We had sex , he fell asleep; I cried. I  don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone  else. My life is a disaster.



 

Husband's   Diary:   


A two-foot putt.. Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 19, 2017, 03:35:35 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 19, 2017, 04:28:36 AM

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

 

A reporter has watched the whole event.

 

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living?'

The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, and a volunteer for the Republican party.

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 21, 2017, 03:42:29 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 01, 2017, 03:10:50 AM


       Here are some motto's that United Airlines can use!

 


“We put the hospital in hospitality”

“Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”

“Our prices can be beaten, so can our passengers”

“We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”

“Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”

“We treat you like we treat your luggage”

“We beat the customer.  Not the competition”

“And you thought leg room was an issue”

“Where voluntary is mandatory”

“Flight or fight. Your choice”

“Now offering one free carry off”

“Beating random customers since 2017”

“If our staff needs a seat, you'll get dragged by your feet”

“A bloody good airline”


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 02, 2017, 03:39:52 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 02, 2017, 04:08:19 AM

      It's crazy law time again!


Georgia Crazy Laws

•Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session.


•Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.



Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!


•Signs are required to be written in English.


•You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by "fighting" words.


•No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.


•It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office.


Acworth

•All citizens must own a rake.


Atlanta

•Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.


•One man may not be on another man's back.


Columbus

•Can't cut off a chicken's head on Sunday.
•It is illegal to carry a chicken by it's feet down Broadway on Sunday.


Gainesville

•Chicken must be eaten with the hands.


Jonesboro

•It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy"


Kennesaw

•Every head of household must possess a firearm of some kind.


Marietta

•Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.


St. Mary's

•No spitting on the sidewalk is permitted after dark.


Quitman

•Cars are not to drive on sidewalks.

And finally you know about the chicken crossing the road, well:

•It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 03, 2017, 03:38:31 AM

               I like to think about a lot of stuff, here are some more puzzling thoughts!

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

 Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

 Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

 If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

 Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

 How can someone "draw a blank"?

 Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

 Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

 Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 What is another word for "thesaurus"?

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 03, 2017, 03:44:14 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 05, 2017, 02:37:05 AM


A Teenager is...

 A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

 A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

 A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

 Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

 A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

 A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.

 A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

 An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

 A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

 A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

 A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

 A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

 A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

 A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

 An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 05, 2017, 03:50:40 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 06, 2017, 03:27:54 AM


Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

 The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

 Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 06, 2017, 02:07:52 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 07, 2017, 04:05:56 AM


                     Let's visit Idaho for some crazy laws!



•Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime.


•Illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.



Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!


•You may not fish on a camel's back.


Boise

•Residents may not fish from a giraffe's back.


Pocatello

•A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face.


•A law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless some are exhibited to public view."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 07, 2017, 06:05:40 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 08, 2017, 02:46:07 AM


It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

 The 1997 nominees are:

 NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

 NOMINEE No.2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo,Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

 NOMINEE No.3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

 NOMINEE No.4 [UIPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

 NOMINEE No.5 [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

 NOMINEE No..6 [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

 NOMINEE NO.7["The. Indianapolis Star"] A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

 NOMINEE No.8 lAP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

 NOMINEE No.9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

 NOMINEE No.10 [Associated Press, Kincaid] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tougue state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'II show you how to set it off."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 08, 2017, 04:09:38 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 09, 2017, 04:15:08 AM

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

 When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

 A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

 The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

 "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

 "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

 "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

 "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

 "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 09, 2017, 04:41:24 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 10, 2017, 04:02:32 AM


The top six reasons computers must be female:

 6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

 5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

 2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as

 "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

 AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:

 As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 10, 2017, 04:09:23 AM
hehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 11, 2017, 03:31:57 AM


You might be a redneck if...

 On stag night, you take a real deer.

 You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.

 Your back porch is bigger than your house.

 There is more oil in your cap than in your car.

 You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

 A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

 An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

 You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.

 You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

 Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 12, 2017, 03:31:34 AM



  6 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"

 A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.

 A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.

 When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.

 A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.

 A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.

 A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 12, 2017, 03:45:29 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 13, 2017, 03:53:29 AM



Democrats versus Republicans
 1. Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

 2. Republicans consume three-fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.

 3. Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.

 4. Democrats give their worn-out clothes to those less fortunate. Republicans wear theirs.

 5. Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs.

 6. Democrats name their children after currently-popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.

 7. Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful. Neither are Republicans.

 8. Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.

 9. Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.

 10. Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by Democrats.

 11. Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows. Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.

 12. Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall.

 13. Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.

 14. Democrats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

 15. Republicans sleep in twin beds--some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 13, 2017, 06:38:54 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 14, 2017, 03:44:10 AM


Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water".

 "Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified.

 "Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs".

 "And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady.

 "Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 14, 2017, 06:21:51 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 15, 2017, 02:52:52 AM


A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

 The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

 The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 15, 2017, 04:28:09 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 17, 2017, 05:18:01 AM


A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Deadeyez on May 17, 2017, 09:25:59 PM
Did you hear the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teeth brush 😁
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 18, 2017, 02:17:16 AM


              Since the temperature hit 90*+ yesterday maybe this will help!
     
               
             Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
              A: Snowballs.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 19, 2017, 03:52:37 AM


Two blondes walking through the woods and suddenly came a cross a lion. One of the blond slowly squatted down, scooped hand full of mud and threw it to the lions eyes. The next second she started to run like hell, while the other one is still standing like nothing happened. So the running blonde yelled back
"hey run, run."
"No.." the other one yelled back, "Why should I? Its you who threw the mud on him."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 20, 2017, 06:04:14 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 24, 2017, 03:57:35 AM


An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

 A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

 "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 25, 2017, 03:45:19 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 25, 2017, 03:53:29 AM


One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name," was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numericonly pager, the light bulb came on.

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

Another problem solved.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 26, 2017, 03:56:18 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 26, 2017, 05:27:49 AM




Taiwanese Sick Leave




"I NO COME WORK TODAY" !!!





Hung Chow calls into work and says, Hey, boss, I no


come work today, I really sick. I got headache,


stomach-ache and my legs hurt, I no come work.



The boss says, You know Hung Chow, I really need you


today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and


tell her give me sex. That makes everything better


and I go work. You try that.



Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. Boss, I do


what you say and I feel great. I be at work

soon........You got nice house
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 26, 2017, 03:34:26 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 27, 2017, 04:16:24 AM


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and

family values..

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 27, 2017, 06:19:53 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 28, 2017, 05:41:38 AM



A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my


intelligence come from?'



 


The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,


cause I still have mine.'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 28, 2017, 06:06:07 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 29, 2017, 04:44:41 AM



'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court


Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'



'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then


I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 29, 2017, 06:09:50 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 30, 2017, 03:19:23 AM



A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took


the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'




'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really


good with the kids.'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 31, 2017, 04:12:13 AM



An old woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she


has been living with for the last 40 years.



 


The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that


were used to put the curse on you.'



 


The old woman says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 01, 2017, 03:31:37 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 01, 2017, 04:00:21 AM



Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:



1. All of the DNA  matches.



2. There are no dental records.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 02, 2017, 03:34:14 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 02, 2017, 04:49:47 AM



A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long


it'll take to fly from  San Francisco to New York City ?'


The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'


'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 03, 2017, 04:19:05 AM



Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.


'How was he killed?' asked one detective..


'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.


'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'


'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 03, 2017, 03:08:39 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 04, 2017, 03:24:56 AM



A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks

him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in

surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.



'Oops!'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 04, 2017, 06:46:37 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 05, 2017, 03:00:34 AM



While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of

bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had

even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'



'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 05, 2017, 03:55:37 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 06, 2017, 03:19:19 AM



The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of


thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even


more thunder rumbling in the distance...



The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's


there.'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 07, 2017, 03:40:46 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 08, 2017, 11:52:40 PM


 QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

 How important does a person have to be before they are considered
 assassinated instead of just murdered?

 Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
 in for eternity?

 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

 What disease did cured ham actually have?

 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
 good idea to put wheels on luggage?

 Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like
 every two hours?

 Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to
 look at things on the ground?

 Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
 They're going to see you naked anyway...

 Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

 Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
 crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

 If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

 Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
 dogs!

 If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
 what is baby oil made from?

 Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

 Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

 Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
 but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

 Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
 batteries are getting dead?

 Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not
 enough money?

 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
 check when you say the paint is wet?

 Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
 revolver at him?

 Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

 Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
 always white?

 Is there ever a day that sofas are not on sale?

 Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something
 new to eat will have materialized?

 Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum
 cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the
 vacuum one more chance?

 Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

 How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

 Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the
 table you always manage to knock something else over


 In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we
 complained about the heat?

 How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

 And my FAVORITE.........



 The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering
 from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if
 they're okay, then it's you.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 10, 2017, 05:54:42 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 14, 2017, 03:49:02 AM


  Some Bumper Stickers I saw!

Where there's a will...I want to be on it.

 It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

 Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it.

 Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

 Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

 Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

 Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

 Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.

 As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 15, 2017, 05:58:02 AM


A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 15, 2017, 04:35:37 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 16, 2017, 05:45:13 AM


John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

 When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

 "How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.

 "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 17, 2017, 05:08:31 AM


A young blonde secretary was describing her blind date to a friend.
 "After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused.
 I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."
 "That was smart," her friend said, approvingly. "Then what happened?"
 "He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said.
 "You didn't weaken your resolve, did you?" asked the friend.
 "Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 17, 2017, 06:18:10 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 18, 2017, 05:38:47 AM


Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

 Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

 The girl said she was.

 A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

 Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

 The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

 Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

 "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 18, 2017, 06:37:02 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 19, 2017, 05:17:13 AM


First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"

 Second soldier: "No way, Jose!"

 First soldier: "Whyever not?"

 Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 20, 2017, 03:54:46 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 20, 2017, 05:46:37 AM


                                                   How careers end...

 Lawyers are disbarred.

 Ministers are defrocked.

 Electricians are delighted.

 Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.

 Drunks are distilled.

 Alpine climbers are dismounted.

 Piano tuners are unstrung.

 Orchestra leaders are disbanded.

 Artists' models are deposed.

 Cooks are deranged.

 Dressmakers are unbiased.

 Nudists are redressed.

 Office clerks are defiled.

 Mediums are dispirited.

 Programmers are decoded.

 Accountants are discredited.

 Holy people are disgraced.

 Pastry chefs are deserted.

 Perfume makers are dissented.

 Butterfly collectors are debugged.

 Students are degraded.

 Electricians are refused.

 Bodybuilders are rebuffed.

 Underwear models are debriefed

 Painters are discolored.

 Spinsters are dismissed.

 Judges are disappointed.

 Vegas dealers are discarded.

 Mathematicians are discounted.

 Tree surgeons disembark.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 20, 2017, 01:48:07 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 21, 2017, 05:54:29 AM


                    I laid awake and some things went through my mind, here are some of them


 When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

 If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

 Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

 Why do 'tugboats push their barges?

 Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

 Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

 Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

 Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?

 Does a fish get cramps after eating?

 Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 21, 2017, 05:45:02 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 22, 2017, 05:53:24 AM


                                           It's crazy laws time again! ::)

                                           Illinois Crazy Law


•The English language is not to be spoken.


•You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.



Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!


•You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.


•You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation. -720 ILCS 5/14-2.


Chicago

•It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.


•In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb.


•Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.


•Kites may not be flown within the city limits.


•It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck.


•Spitting is forbidden


•It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.


Champaign

•One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth.


Cicero

•Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays.


Crete

•Cars may not be driven through the town.


Des Plaines

•Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.


Eureka

•A man with a moustache may not kiss a woman.


Evanston

•It is illegal to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.


•Bowling is forbidden.


•It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.


Fairfield

•It is unlawful for "negroes" to be within county boundries from sundown to sunrise.


Freeport

•It is illegal to expectorate from any second-story window.


Galesburg

•There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats.


Homer

•It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer.


Joliet

•Town fathers, reflecting the pet peeve of hearing their town's name mispronounced 'Jolly-ETTE' when all local folk know it's pronounced 'Joe-lee-ETTE', made pronouncing it Jolly-ette a misdemeanor, punishable by a $5 fine.


Kenilworth

•A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow. Hens that wish to cackle must step two hundred feet back from any residence.


Kirkland

•Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kriland's streets.


Moline

•Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited.


•There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue.


Morton Grove

•You may not own a handgun


Normal

•It is against the law to make faces at dogs.


Orland Prak

•No pool tables are allowed in a public establishment, because it supports gambling.


Ottawa

•Spitting on the sidewalk is a criminal offense.


Park Ridge

•Trucks may only park inside closed garages.


Peoria

•Basketball hoops may not be instaled on a driveway.


Zion

•It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 22, 2017, 05:09:16 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 23, 2017, 04:39:03 AM



Rhonda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she
> had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the
> key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and
> I’ll mail you check. Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog. He won’t
> bother you. But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to
> my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
>
> When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he
> discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But,
> just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
> repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole
> time with his incessant yelling and name calling. Finally the repairman
> couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid ugly
> bird!”
>
> To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 24, 2017, 06:16:21 AM



While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."
The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances."
I did too so, I listened as the lady told her story.
"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.
I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!
Complete darkness, the power was off!
Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."
"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....




The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 24, 2017, 06:52:58 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 25, 2017, 04:51:49 AM


After trick-or-treating, 
a teen takes a shortcut home 
through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots 
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” 
says the relieved teen. “What are you 
doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 25, 2017, 06:46:38 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 26, 2017, 06:12:18 AM


The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

 A normally sweet Great Dane Psil has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers.

 While on a walk Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man.

 Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner tried to ease the situation said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men."

 "Don't you feed her anything else?" he responded.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 27, 2017, 03:49:13 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 27, 2017, 05:43:14 AM


                                                      How to be politically correct with women

 She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

 She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

 She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

 She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

 She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

 She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

 She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

 She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

 She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

 She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

 She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

 She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

 She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

 She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

 She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

 She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

 She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

 She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

 She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

 She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 27, 2017, 05:35:50 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 28, 2017, 06:12:47 AM


A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.

 Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:

 "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."

 The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 29, 2017, 03:37:38 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 29, 2017, 04:49:44 AM


                                                   Things Mom Would Never Say

1."How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"


2."Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"


3."Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"


4."Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"


5."Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"


6."Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."


7."The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."


8."I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"


9."Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 30, 2017, 03:52:27 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 30, 2017, 04:32:58 AM


My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 01, 2017, 07:26:04 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 05, 2017, 05:20:46 AM


A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

 She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker
 with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.

 She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."

 The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker
 requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her, "You have a
 bike?"

 The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a
 Harley parked in the driveway.

 The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"

 The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and
 a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

 The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the
 Fuzz?"

 The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've
 been swung around by my nipples a few times."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 06, 2017, 04:06:02 AM


One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.”

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.

Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?”

Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 07, 2017, 05:11:29 AM


My grandson asked me this question  the other day.

  When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?

My reply was, Huh???????
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 08, 2017, 04:15:00 AM


One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.

 Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."

 Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."

 Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

 God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 09, 2017, 04:28:04 AM


Husband: “I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it.”
Wife: “You wear briefs, don’t you?”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 09, 2017, 06:05:34 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 10, 2017, 05:13:12 AM


            I was pondering again and these came to mind. ???

When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

 Does fuzzy logic tickle?

 Do blind Eskimoes heave seeing-eye sled dogs?

 Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

 Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

 How come wrong numbers are never busy?

 Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

 If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

 Why call it "take" a dump, when you leave something behind?

 What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 10, 2017, 06:33:19 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 11, 2017, 03:39:36 AM


A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

 She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

 The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 11, 2017, 04:53:18 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 12, 2017, 03:08:31 AM


            It time for dumb laws again, let's see what Indiana has!



•One man may not back into a parking spot because it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate.


•Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.


•All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.


•Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.


•Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.


•State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.


•Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest.


•A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.


•It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday.


•Drinks on the house are illegal.


•It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.


•A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b)


•Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session.


•Liquor stores may not sell milk.


•Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes.


•Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor.


•You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her.


•Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights.


•No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.


•Men are prohibited from standing in a bar.


•You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table. The waiter or waitress has to do it.


•"Spiteful Gossip" and "talking behind a person's back" are illegal.


•You are required to pour your drink into a glass.


•It is against the law to pass a horse on the street.


•If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Immoral Practices.


•Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day.


•A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.


•The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. (Repealed)


Auburn

•It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area. For these offesnses, there is a fine of no more than $5 or the impounding of one's bicycle for a period not to exceed 30 days.


Beech Grove

•It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park.


Elkhart

•It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears.


Evansville

•While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.


Fort Wayne

•You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record "It`s In the Book".


Gary

•Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.


South Bend

•It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 13, 2017, 06:20:11 AM


  On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."

 By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 14, 2017, 03:36:29 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 14, 2017, 04:40:42 AM


A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

 On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

 "What?" said the puzzled groom.

 "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

 "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

 Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

 Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

 Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

 Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

 Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

 Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

 Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

 Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

 Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

 "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

 "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get scr$&$d
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 15, 2017, 08:30:43 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 16, 2017, 04:07:32 AM


A lady went to see a tarot reader woman who'll predict her future:

- Lady, I'm sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future.
- Don't tell me things that I already know, tell me if there would be an investigation!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 16, 2017, 08:48:11 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 17, 2017, 04:45:43 AM


A car is driving down the street when all of a sudden it starts violently swerving across the road.
 The car keeps going back and forth, delaying traffic for miles until someone finally phones the police.
 A police officer pulls the car over and approaches the window. A blonde rolls down the window. "Excuse me, ma'am, but is there any explanation for your reckless driving?" he says.
 The blonde says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. There was a tree in the road, and I swerved. Then I saw another tree, and another, right in the middle of the road! So I had to swerve to keep from hitting them!"
 The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 18, 2017, 03:26:38 AM


“A man and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” Then stormed off to work.
 By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer?” he asked.
“I was in bed,” she replied.
“What were you doing in bed this late?”
 “Getting a second opinion.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 18, 2017, 06:23:39 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 20, 2017, 03:39:09 AM



The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

 "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

 "P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

 "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 20, 2017, 06:06:11 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 21, 2017, 03:32:33 AM


Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

 "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

 "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

 "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

 "No sir, our mother."

 "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

 "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 22, 2017, 02:45:54 AM


A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.
Boy: Why do you look so fat?
Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.
Boy: Is it a good baby?
Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.
Boy: Then why did you eat it?!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 22, 2017, 06:41:39 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 23, 2017, 04:16:59 AM




A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..


Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.


'I knew you'd forget my toast?'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 23, 2017, 10:04:38 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 25, 2017, 04:51:18 AM


    These are some things that are said during a golf match or are they!

1. Look at the size of his putter.
 2. Damn, my shaft's all bent.
 3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
 4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
 5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
 6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
 7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
 8. Just turn your back and drop it.
 9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
 10. Damn, I missed the hole again. 


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 26, 2017, 03:58:12 AM



 Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a gas station.

 As the worker was filling up their car, he said to Hillary "I went to high school with you". She recognized him and agreed with him.

 Later as they were driving down the road Bill said "If you had married him you wouldn't be married to the President".

 Hillary said "Oh yes I would--he would be President."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 27, 2017, 03:41:42 AM


A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

 "No."

 A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

 "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

 "That's not my dog."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 27, 2017, 03:49:24 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 28, 2017, 03:44:40 AM


There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

 The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"

 The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

 The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

 The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

 The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

 The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

 The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

 The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 29, 2017, 03:55:25 AM


A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense.

 As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting,

 "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."

 She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"

 There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot.

 She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,

 "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 29, 2017, 06:48:24 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Jul 30, 2017, 12:35:59 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 31, 2017, 05:13:00 AM


Hillary Clinton was addressing a group of American Indians in New York telling them all she did as senator and all she plans to do for them as President.
 At the end of the meeting the chief gave her a plaque with her honorary indian name, Walking Eagle.
 After she left someone asked the chief if there is any meaning to that name.
 He said "A walking Eagle is a bird that is so full of crap, it can not fly."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 01, 2017, 03:58:37 AM
                            I the life of a dog!

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
 - Unknown

 Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
 - Unknown

 Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
 - Gene Hill

 In dog years, I'm dead.
 - Unknown

 To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
 - Aldous Huxley

 A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
 - Robert Benchley

 Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
 - Sue Murphy

 I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
 - August Strindberg

 No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
 - Fran Lebowitz

 Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
 - Anne Tyler

 I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
 - Rita Rudner

 My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
 That's almost $7.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein

 If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
 - James Thurber

 You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. - Nora Ephron

 Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
 - Ann Landers

 Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
 - Robert A. Heinlein

 In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
 - Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

 Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!
 - Dr. Tom Cat

 There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
 - Ben Williams

 When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
 - Edward Abbey

 Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
 - Unknown

 Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
 - Unknown

 No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
 - Christopher Morley

 A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
 - Josh Billings

 Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
 - Holbrook Jackson

 The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andrew A. Rooney

 He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
 - Unknown

 If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
 - Mark Twain

 Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
 - Smiley Blanton

 I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
 - John Steinbeck
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 02, 2017, 03:43:26 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 02, 2017, 05:24:01 AM


A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 03, 2017, 03:58:38 AM


A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

 The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."

 So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

 The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

 The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Aug 03, 2017, 09:50:27 PM
LMAO!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 04, 2017, 04:29:46 AM


At big event this guy is carrying two plates of food from the buffet- one for his girl-friend and one for himself. As they enter the large hall to sit at a long table, everyone looks up and starts moving their chairs to make room for the couple to sit. At the same time the girl says, "Honey, give me the keys to the car, I need to get something."
He looks at the plates in his hands and says, "Well, I can't give them to you right now...but you can reach in my pocket and get them."
Everyone is looking as she reaches into his pants. She smiles bashfully as she looks around and said, "I feel a little funny."
He replies, "Feel a little deeper and you will feel NUTS!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 04, 2017, 04:12:26 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 05, 2017, 04:15:04 AM


                 Ten things I know about you

1) You are reading this.
 2) You are human.
 3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.
 4) You just attempted to do it.
 6) You are laughing at yourself.
 7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
 8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
 9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
 10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 06, 2017, 02:48:53 AM


Class, do you know how many hours you are wasting on your smart phones daily?"

A quiet hush falls over the class. One student breaks it up.

"I know, Sir, let's google it!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 06, 2017, 06:33:29 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 07, 2017, 05:11:24 AM


A mother writes a letter to her sun, who is in a prison.
- Dear sun, life's so hard for me since they took you to a prison: nobody digs a vegetable garden, nobody plants potato's...
The sun writes back to her mother:
- Mom, please stay away from the garden. If you start digging it, the police may come and both take you to a prison and prolong mine imprisonment..
Mother writes back to her sun:
- Darling, together with your last letter police came. They dug all over the garden, but haven't found anything. The left being extremely frustrated.
Sun writes his mom:
- I helped as much, as I could with this. Please plant the potato's by yourself.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 08, 2017, 03:47:35 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 08, 2017, 04:09:17 AM


Wives can be only one of three kinds:
1. Pretty, but not loyal.
2. Loyal, but ugly.
3. Pretty and loyal, but inflatable.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 08, 2017, 03:35:41 PM
 ;) ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 09, 2017, 03:47:27 AM


A little boy at a wedding, looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?" His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 11, 2017, 04:52:54 AM


A young deer in the woods learned to use all four hooves equally well...

He was known to be bambidextrous.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 12, 2017, 05:30:34 AM


Susie: My husband is a great handyman. He can repair almost anything.

Jane: My mother always taught me to beware of the man that can fix everything. You'll never get anything new.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 12, 2017, 06:05:58 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 13, 2017, 06:07:43 AM


Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels.  His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital.  Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor.   “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?”  The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?”  “SHIRLEY!”  Brian screamed on the top of his lungs,  “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN!”

“And is this her first child?” Questioned the doctor. “NO YOU STUPID NITWIT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 14, 2017, 03:50:00 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 14, 2017, 05:25:18 AM


John was starving!! He was stuck in a small hick town, lost and hungry. He was happy when he saw a small restaurant coming up on his right. John quickly pulled over, parked his car, and walked inside.

John noticed a blackboard with a sign written in yellow chalk, “Today’s Special: Vegetable Soup with Fried Chicken and Grilled Vegetables.”

“I’ll take the special”, said John to the waiter when he came to take his order.

A few minutes after receiving his order John called over the waiter, he was fuming mad. “IS THIS THE SPECIAL!? It says vegetable soup, BUT THERE ARE NO VEGETABLES! It says grilled vegetables, BUT THEY AREN’T GRILLED THEY ARE BAKED!?  And it says fried chicken, AND THE CHICKEN ISN’T FRIED!?

The waiter was not used to city folks and their attitudes and frankly he was not going to put up with this behavior. “My dear man,” said the waiter looking down at John over his glasses, “that is what makes it so special
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 15, 2017, 05:13:56 AM


Tom to his mom: "Mom, please tell me a story?"

Mom: "Sorry, honey, I don't have any new stories to tell. But you should ask your dad why he was late coming home today. He will then tell you some amazing stories."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 16, 2017, 03:40:28 AM


Larry was a photographer for the N.Y. Times, and was scheduled to meet a plane on the runway to take him on a job. “Hit it,” said Larry climbing into the first plane he saw on the runway. The pilot took off, and was soon in the air. “OK,” said Larry, “fly low over the trees over there, I want to take a few pictures.” “What do you mean?” asked the pilot. Larry looked at the pilot and answered a little annoyed, “I need to take some pictures for the N.Y. Times, so please…..”   There was a long pause, before the pilot asked in a shaky voice, “you mean you’re not my pilot instructor?”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 16, 2017, 04:34:43 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 18, 2017, 06:13:27 AM


All pro athletes are 
bilingual. They speak English and profanity
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 19, 2017, 05:11:50 AM


There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

 The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.

 The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 19, 2017, 07:15:28 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 20, 2017, 05:01:42 AM


A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 22, 2017, 03:35:57 AM


All of his life George from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

 So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

 Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

 Granny looked into George's eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 23, 2017, 03:40:43 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 23, 2017, 03:52:47 AM


Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any.

 One hunter looks at the other and says, "I just don't understand it - why aren't we getting any ducks?"

 Her friend says, "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 24, 2017, 03:00:50 AM


A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"

 "Well, yes, but only once."
 "Once is all it takes" he replied.


 Then the torso came out and it was yellow.
 "Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?"
 "Well, yes" she said, "but only once."

 "Once is all it takes," he said.
 When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.
 "Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
 "Once is all it takes," he said.

 He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 24, 2017, 03:46:07 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 25, 2017, 04:30:24 AM


A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, ”I can count higher than all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?” Her mother replied, ”Of couse it is, dear.” The next day, the blonde said, ”I can say the alphabet higher than anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?” Her mother replied, ”Of course it is dear!” The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, ”I have a larger chest than all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?” Her mother replied, ”No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen years old.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 26, 2017, 04:43:35 AM

        The Breast stroke competition?

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.

 After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 27, 2017, 03:27:05 AM


A family is driving in their car on a holiday. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out an takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road. Frog is grateful, thanks the man, and tells him that he will grant him a wish.

 Man says: please make my dog win the next dog race.

 Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish. The man says: "Well, then please help that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area. Frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.

 Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and says: "Could I please have another look at the dog???"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 27, 2017, 06:28:21 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 28, 2017, 04:49:02 AM


There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the forest. After a while they realized that they were lost. And before they knew it they were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told them that the only way they could survive from the cannibals was to pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So they thought that was easy enough, and all three friends went their separate ways to gather fruits.

 Chris came back first and said to the king. " I brought ten apples."

 The king then explained the next part of the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your bums without any expression on your face or you will be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he screamed out with pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

 Then John arrived and shows the king his ten fruits which were berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be a piece of cake. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore he was also killed.

 After a while Chris and John met in heaven. Then Chris asked John, " Why did you laugh?, you almost got away with it!"

 Chris replied, " I know, I couldn't help it. I was doing fine when all of a sudden Keith showed up with all those watermelons!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 28, 2017, 04:28:05 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 29, 2017, 04:29:00 AM


Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone out right away.

 Where do you live?" asked the operator.

 Billy Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

 The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

 There was a long pause and finally Billy Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 29, 2017, 03:29:39 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 30, 2017, 04:52:35 AM


 Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

 The first man was an Engineer,

 The second man was an Accountant,

 The third man was a Chemist, and

 The fourth man was a Government Employee.

 To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."

 T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

 Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

 But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,

 "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

 Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

 Everyone agreed that was good.

 But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

 Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

 Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

 Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

 The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

 CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......

 Ate the cookies........

 Drank the milk.......

 s@*t on the paper.......

 Screwed the other three cats.......

 Claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

 Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

 Put in for Workers Compensation...............and

 Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............

 AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 30, 2017, 05:45:41 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 31, 2017, 03:35:27 AM



I only sending this to the Brightest of my SENIOR and (almost) senior friends



 



New Senior's Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.


 

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?


 


2) Which country makes Panama hats?


 

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?


 

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?


 


6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?


 

7) What was King George VI's first name?


 

8) What color is a purple finch?


 

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?


 

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?


 

Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.


 


 

Check your answers below ....


 


 ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ


 


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?   116 years


 


2) Which country makes Panama


hats?    Ecuador


 


3) From which animal do we get cat gut?     Sheep and Horses


 


4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?November


 


5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?     Squirrel fur


 


6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs


 


7) What was King George VI's first name?    Albert


 


8 ) What color is a purple finch? Crimson


 


9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?   New Zealand


 


10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course) .


 


What do you mean, you failed?



Me, too!


 

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you is fibbin)


 


Pass this on to your brilliant
 
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 01, 2017, 03:49:52 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 01, 2017, 05:41:58 AM


The manager of a liquor store gets a midnight phone call at home:
 - Hello!
 - At what time does the store open?
 - At ten o'clock sir.


 At two in the morning, the phone rings again:
 - HELLO!
 - Ya (burp), at what time does, euh, the store open?
 - AT TEN IN THE MORNING, sir


 Again, at four, the phone rings:
 - H!E!L!L!O!
 - Ya, euh, (burp), at ...time, euh, does the euh store open?
 - At ten in the morning sir, but I am not sure that, since you are so drunk, I will let you in.
 - I (burp) don't want, euh, to get in, euh, I want to get out!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 01, 2017, 03:37:51 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 06, 2017, 04:52:20 AM


Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. And that was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, federal police authority has grown in depth, scope, and to a large number of multi-letter agencies - CID, OSI, NIS, FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc. Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."

 Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs:

 "FATASS" - I feel safer already, don't you?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 09, 2017, 04:07:14 AM


These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.

 Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

 They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

 The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.

 They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

 They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."

 Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

 (For 95 points): Which tire?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 10, 2017, 03:33:55 AM


A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

 "No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature."

 The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

 The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."

 The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."

 The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

 Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

 The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

 She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

 The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 11, 2017, 03:58:07 AM
he haw
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 11, 2017, 04:21:14 AM


It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

 "Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it."

 After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

 "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

 "Under the wagon."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 16, 2017, 07:58:10 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 19, 2017, 05:18:00 AM


A young wanna-be stud is vactioning alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his surprise, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreling. Our friend goes back to the hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a night-club.

 So he goes to the club, and he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women. He pulls the old guy aside, and asked, " man, what's your secret?" The old man replies, " I saw you on the beach today and I felt sorry for you. So I'll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your trunks."

 The young man is thankful for the advice, and can't wait for the next day to try his luck again. So, the next morning he goes out to the beach again, with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only smile at him and move on. He then sees the old man again, completely surrounded, ofcourse by beautiful women.

 That night, he finds the old man again, and asks for more help. The wise old man responds with another fine tip. " Next time son, put the socks in the FRONT! of your trunks.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 20, 2017, 05:08:15 AM



A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station

As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right.  It's on the left.”

The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven.”

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "You're s&#**ing me, right?  You can't even find the Post Office!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 21, 2017, 04:56:32 AM


Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 22, 2017, 04:29:41 AM


A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

 The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

 He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

 The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

 "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

 "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 22, 2017, 03:15:48 PM
hahaha
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 23, 2017, 04:35:32 AM


The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

 The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

 The room really got quiet.

 Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 23, 2017, 06:10:58 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 24, 2017, 05:33:32 AM


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

 One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

 His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 24, 2017, 07:10:18 AM
Nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 24, 2017, 07:12:16 AM
Niec
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 24, 2017, 07:13:18 AM
OK
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 25, 2017, 05:34:02 AM


A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face now with both hands. Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me -I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and his full head of hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

 "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues seductively, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. She slowly continues, "Tell him,... that there,...is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 26, 2017, 03:29:26 AM


A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

 "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

 She said, "No?"

 "Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

 And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

 The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 26, 2017, 03:51:43 AM
hehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 27, 2017, 03:05:49 AM


A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

 The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

 The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

 A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"

 Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

 Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

 Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 27, 2017, 04:00:11 AM
yeha
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 28, 2017, 06:08:05 AM


A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

 He replies, No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 28, 2017, 05:07:59 PM
Sounds all to well
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 29, 2017, 05:29:25 AM


A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

 Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally passes gas quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

 Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"

 The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 29, 2017, 04:31:09 PM
hehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 30, 2017, 03:24:59 AM

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third guy remained quiet.

 After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'

 The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.'

 The first two guys were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.

 She said, "GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 30, 2017, 08:07:48 AM
hehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 01, 2017, 04:24:52 AM


A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?"

 "I just saw one of your garters!"

 "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

 The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

 "I just saw both of your garters!"

 Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

 Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

 "Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

 "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 01, 2017, 06:05:48 AM
yeah
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 02, 2017, 04:48:49 AM


There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

 Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me, if there is basebal l in heaven."

 They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

 Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

 "Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.

 Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

 "Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."

 "Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

 Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

 Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

 Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 02, 2017, 05:46:08 PM
Oh boy
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 03, 2017, 04:22:44 AM


A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.
 The Doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman.
 "No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.
 "Wait," Said the engineer "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an organized civilized place from utter chaos?"
 "And WHO created the chaos?" said the lawyer.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: mschott on Oct 03, 2017, 04:04:09 PM

(https://s1.postimg.org/2909qlyzob/funny.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/2909qlyzob/)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 03, 2017, 05:23:13 PM
Nice very nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 05, 2017, 04:03:21 AM


There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot.

 Not knowing what to do, she called 911. "You gotta help me find my parrot!"

 The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with that, ma'am. This number only deals with emergencies."

 However, the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days.

 Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, "But you don't understand! The only thing he says is 'Here, kitty, kitty'!!!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 05, 2017, 05:38:45 PM
hehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 06, 2017, 05:18:56 AM


A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himselfat the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.

 "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.

 When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 07, 2017, 04:06:59 AM
haha
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 09, 2017, 05:00:34 AM


Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.

 After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."

 The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.

 "Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."

 "I know." said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 10, 2017, 03:51:30 AM
hehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 10, 2017, 04:42:54 AM


Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

 A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

 "Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

 "But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied.

 "Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

 "I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said.

 "I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

 "I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.

 The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 11, 2017, 05:12:18 AM



I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.       Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.



Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 12, 2017, 05:40:28 AM


 Sister Mary Katherine entered the Convent of Silence.
    The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome to stay here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.'
 
    Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak
    two words.'
 
   Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'
 
    'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'
 
    After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. You may say another two words.
    Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
 
   On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'
 
    I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.
 
   'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 12, 2017, 05:39:19 PM
Hehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 13, 2017, 04:30:59 AM


The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 13, 2017, 05:23:57 PM
So so true
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 14, 2017, 05:39:52 AM

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 16, 2017, 04:19:07 AM


The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
 The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
 The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'
 The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
 It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 17, 2017, 05:16:17 AM


My wife came in complaining about me never lifting a finger in the house. So I did - the middle one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Oct 17, 2017, 08:05:46 AM
A 10-point buck, a 4-point buck, and a button buck were standing on a hillside watching over their does in a field.
The 10-pointer says, “Life is good. I’ve got 12 does to take care of, and that keeps me happy.”
The 4-pointer nods his head and replies, “Well, I’ve got 4 does, and they keep me happy.”
The button buck adds, “Well, I may be young, but I’ve got 2 does, and I’m happy with that.”
Along comes a huge 14-point buck. The 3 of them look on in amazement as he starts rubbing his giant rack on a tree.
The 10-pointer says, “You know, I could give up a few does. I could get by with maybe 4.”
The 4-pointer says, “ Yeah, I could give up a couple myself.”
The button buck runs over to a small tree and starts rubbing like crazy, grunting, kicking, stomping, and scraping, the likes of which the older bucks had never seen.
The 10 and the 4 ask him, “What in the world was that all about?”
“Well,” said the button buck, “I wanted to make sure HE knows I’m a buck!”  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 18, 2017, 03:55:17 AM
nice one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 18, 2017, 05:01:55 AM

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

 Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

 The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 19, 2017, 03:45:50 AM


The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

 The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.

 They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 20, 2017, 04:53:18 AM



Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.

 To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.

 Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 21, 2017, 03:15:11 AM


A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the salesclerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

 "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."

 "I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good.

 While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants  for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

 As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

 Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 21, 2017, 08:51:52 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 22, 2017, 05:09:02 AM


What CONFUCIUS NEARLY SAID
 
 
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
 
 
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
 
 
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
 
 
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
 
 
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
 
 
Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
 
 
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
 
 
War does not determine who is right   It determines who is left.
 
 
Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night.
 
 
It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
 
 
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
 
 
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
 
 
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
 
 
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 22, 2017, 08:20:06 AM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 23, 2017, 04:37:57 AM

An Annapolis computer science major was given an artificial intelligence assignment for one of his classes. He ended up creating a program where you could have a conversation with your computer based on your IQ level.

 To test his program he entered 80 and had a conversation with his Soap Operas. He entered 100 and talked about politics. He entered 150 and talked about nuclear physics.

 Just to see what would happen he entered a -50 and the computer bumped and belched and sparked and smoked for a good 10 minutes. When it finally settled down it displayed "On Brave Old Army Team....."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 24, 2017, 04:17:07 AM


 There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash. "No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!" The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper.

 This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper. On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 24, 2017, 05:04:50 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 25, 2017, 05:18:05 AM


There was a great eruption of a south sea island volcano, and the witch doctor appealed to the tribal chief, demanding that a virgin be sacrificed to appease the volcano.

 The chief apologized, "I've used up all the virgins myself, so I guess we'll just have to get used to the noise."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 25, 2017, 05:12:38 PM
hehehe  :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 26, 2017, 04:22:07 AM

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

 The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

 The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Oct 26, 2017, 07:56:13 AM
HeHe. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 27, 2017, 04:26:21 AM

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

 He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

 "Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

 Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

 The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

 Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"

 The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

 Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

 "Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

 Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

 "I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one.." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

 Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

 Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

 Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It is Colin Powell!"

 Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

 And that is what's wrong with our government.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 28, 2017, 06:51:56 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 31, 2017, 04:15:58 AM


 Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great flying broomstick?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful witch flew up on this broomstick. She threw the broomstick to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” The first engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”     
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 02, 2017, 02:50:09 AM


Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

 Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

 Sunny: "What's that?"

 Tina: "A condom."

 Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

 Tina: "You can get them at any pharmacy"

 The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local pharmacy and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

 The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

 "Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

 The pharmacist fainted.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 02, 2017, 03:46:50 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 04, 2017, 06:13:14 AM


A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

 After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

 The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 04, 2017, 12:01:05 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 05, 2017, 02:26:47 AM


An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

 Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

 Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

 Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

 The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

 The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 05, 2017, 05:58:29 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 06, 2017, 04:15:34 AM


Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge glass of that drink.

 The first man went down yelling, ''Beerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.

 The second guy went down the slide yelling,''lemonadeee!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade.

 The third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 06, 2017, 04:16:55 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 07, 2017, 05:05:00 AM

   
               Since it's Election Day we should look at what some of our candidates say after being elected, so choose wisely!

 
Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel agent with 30 years experience. Should we be worried about some of the people running our country?

 I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

 I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... (click).

 A Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"

 I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

 An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

 A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude." After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I actually was laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

 A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

 I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them

 A Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"

 A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

 A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 08, 2017, 04:00:35 AM


An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.

 After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

 "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?"

 "It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life".

 "Well, then", she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?"

 "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself".

 The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain - "And how's your sex life...."

 "Infrequently", he declares.

 The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking... "And is that one word or two?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Nov 16, 2017, 05:14:16 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHmARgh_WiY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHmARgh_WiY)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 19, 2017, 05:16:43 AM


John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.


"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"


Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.


"How do you know this, Sister?"


"My Mother Superior told me so."


"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"


"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"


"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"


"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"


"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."


The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.


"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"


"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 20, 2017, 10:32:05 AM


There were two nuns, one was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives..

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.  The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened.  He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister!  What did the man do?

SL: He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?  A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.



And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys and be logical and forward this email to your friends!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 21, 2017, 04:13:26 AM



An Italian, named Luigi, is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. Luigi hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds,but Luigi just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks......like I said, my boy's a typical Italian bambino."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later Luigi returns to the bar. The bartender says,"Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"

Proud Luigi answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious."What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

Luigi takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says......


"We had him circumcised."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 22, 2017, 04:38:44 AM


One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill

 Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember anything..

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 23, 2017, 04:03:00 AM


Last year on Thanksgiving, the childless farmer and his wife prayed for all their blessings. But, they also prayed that their loneliness of having no children be relieved.  Their prayers were answered and the wife became pregnant. She gave birth to triplets!  A friend remarked, "See, prayers are always answered."  The farmer then  replied, "Yes, but I never prayed for a bumper crop like this!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 24, 2017, 04:23:56 AM


A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third.

 By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.

 In court the next week the judge asked the best man what happened.

 "Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs."

 "That must have hurt," said the judge.

 "No kidding," said the best man. "I broke my hand"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 25, 2017, 04:49:04 AM



Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna.

 Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

 "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

 A few minutes later a phone rang.

 The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

 The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

 The Irishman finally said, "Well, will you look at that. I'm getting a fax."


   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 26, 2017, 04:19:55 AM


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

 However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

 After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

 One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

 "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 26, 2017, 04:18:33 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 27, 2017, 04:20:09 AM


In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come."

 Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 28, 2017, 03:54:40 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 28, 2017, 04:07:10 AM


One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

 "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

 Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

 She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

 "Ten years," replies the Irishman.

 With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

 "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

 Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

 She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

 At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

 With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 29, 2017, 03:43:23 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 01, 2017, 04:52:58 AM


An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you as soon as possible. Please share this with others immediately!!

 Monica Lewinsky virus........Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

 Lorena Bobbit virus..........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

 Ellen Degeneres virus........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

 Titanic virus................Makes your whole computer go down.

 Disney virus.................Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

 Mike Tyson virus.............Quits after one byte.

 Prozac virus.......Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

 Woody Allen virus.........By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card.

 Joey Buttafuoco virus........Only attacks minor files.

 Spice Girl virus.............Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

 Ronald Reagan virus..........Saves your data, but forgets

 Dr. Kevorkian virus.....Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

 Oprah Winfrey virus........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

 Arnold Schwarzenegger virus........Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

 Then there is the Clinton PC. It has a six inch hard drive and no memory.

 FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS- Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

 PAUL REVERE VIRUS- This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending disk attack, once if by LAN, twice if by C.

 AT&T VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting.

 MCI VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.

 GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

 CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS- Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

 AIRLINE VIRUS- You're in Chicago but your data is in Singapore.

 STAR TREK VIRUS- Invades your system and boldly goes where no virus has gone before.

 TED TURNER VIRUS- Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

 PBS VIRUS-Your PC stops what it is doing every few minutes to ask for money.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 02, 2017, 04:43:23 AM


For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.

 The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "Whaa??" the teacher blubbered.

 Then I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got really upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

 Me: "Don't touch me!"

 Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

 Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.

 Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 02, 2017, 04:25:12 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 03, 2017, 04:19:42 AM


Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

 Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

 Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "the heart would be just below the left breast."

 Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 03, 2017, 11:48:07 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 04, 2017, 03:38:15 AM


Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call. When they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

 "No doubt about it," the new deputy said, "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

 "You're right," the experienced deputy replied. "But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say, 'it could have been worse'."

 "No way. You're on."

 The old sheriff arrived at the scene. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes.

 "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."

 The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse."

 "Yes, it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 05, 2017, 03:27:14 AM


A LITTLE STORY TO START YOUR CHRISTMAS SEASON IN THE RIGHT SPIRIT



 One day, when four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves


 did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began


 to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.


 Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which


 stressed Santa even more.


 When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them


 were about to give birth, and two others had jumped the fence and


 were out, Heaven knows where.


 When he began to load the sleigh, two of the floorboards cracked,


 the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.


 Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot


 of rum.


 When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk


 all the cider and hidden the rum.


 In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it


 broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen


 floor.


 He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the


 straw off the end of the broom.
 

 Just then the doorbell rang.  An irritated Santa marched to the


 door, yanked it open, and  ..... there stood a little angel with


 a big Christmas tree!


 The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't


 this a lovely day?


 I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick


  it?'


 And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the


 Christmas tree.


 Not a lot of people know this.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 06, 2017, 03:32:15 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 06, 2017, 04:15:10 AM


Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

 "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."

 "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

 Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"

 "You mean a rose?"

 "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 07, 2017, 03:47:31 AM


Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, " I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
 "Odd," her companion replies, " But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it.

"Two dogs, please." Says the mother superior. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part of the dog did you get?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 08, 2017, 03:34:22 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 08, 2017, 04:05:19 AM


A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning.

 "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze, so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."

 "That's a complicated order, sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

 The guest replied, "Oh, but that's what you gave me yesterday!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 09, 2017, 04:10:07 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 11, 2017, 03:20:26 AM


A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital , saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex".
 
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 11, 2017, 03:36:34 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 12, 2017, 03:52:49 AM


A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

 It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

 She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider.

 Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the surface over and over.

 As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune .........................

 The Store manager sees her and shuts the electric horse off.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 12, 2017, 02:15:47 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 13, 2017, 04:26:34 AM


Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Mann went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

 After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

 "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

 "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

 "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

 "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 14, 2017, 03:29:04 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Dec 14, 2017, 05:18:34 PM

(https://s8.postimg.org/48azqmw1d/Image-1.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/48azqmw1d/)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 15, 2017, 03:57:18 AM
nice one fish   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 15, 2017, 03:59:02 AM


 A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

 "Why?" she asks.

 "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 16, 2017, 05:44:22 AM

In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a cowboy, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"

"Ya mean women?" asked the cowboy. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks shag sheep."

"That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degredation."

However, after a few months, the correspondent's loins were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.

Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.

"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been shagging sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!"

One cowboy spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 16, 2017, 06:21:25 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 19, 2017, 02:43:55 AM


One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy."

"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 21, 2017, 03:11:37 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 29, 2017, 04:41:18 AM



A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
> >
> >       The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
> >
> >       The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"
> >
> >       The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
> >
> >       The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"
> >
> >       The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.
> >
> >       As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up,
> >
> >       and danced a jig out the door.
> >
> >       Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.
> >
> >       Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.
> >
> >       The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm on disability."
 

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 30, 2017, 04:05:52 AM

A guy walked into a bar in Alabama and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.

The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy said, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy said nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 30, 2017, 03:51:13 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 31, 2017, 04:08:23 AM


Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: seags on Dec 31, 2017, 10:21:10 AM

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned."
I like that one, but what if they drank whiskey?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 31, 2017, 03:10:06 PM
 Would be something to see   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 01, 2018, 05:39:56 AM


An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 01, 2018, 07:31:42 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 04, 2018, 03:19:39 AM


An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 04, 2018, 03:38:40 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 05, 2018, 03:00:27 AM



A wealthy Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him  later and walks away.



The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?" 



"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."



"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"



"I can understand how you feel, replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."??



Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. 



"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife. 



"That's his mistress," says her husband. 


"Ours is prettier," she replies.*
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 06, 2018, 03:26:45 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 06, 2018, 03:41:43 AM


A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free". He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going too!" he replied.

"Why?" She asked.

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Jan 06, 2018, 05:24:10 PM

(https://s9.postimg.org/t4k17487v/Toilet.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/t4k17487v/)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 07, 2018, 03:53:00 AM


For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you're sitting there reading jokes
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 07, 2018, 07:25:50 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 12, 2018, 03:54:13 AM


A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office . “Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”

A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.

“Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 13, 2018, 04:51:13 AM


To get his mind off his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding. Being a novice, he freaked when his horse took off.

"How do I get it to slow down?!" he yelled.

"Bet on it!" I hollered back.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 14, 2018, 04:08:15 AM


From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 14, 2018, 03:33:44 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 16, 2018, 03:03:00 AM


 A pediatric nurse often have the painful job of giving shots to the children. One day upon entering the examining room to give a shot the little girl starting screaming “NO! NO! NO!”
 “Jessica” her mother scolded, “that is not polite behavior!”
At that the girl continued to scream “NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU!”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 16, 2018, 03:48:28 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 17, 2018, 04:50:29 AM


Two young boys were out playing. One of them was showing off his new water pistol.

"Tell your mom you want one of these too. Then we can shoot water at each other" he exclaimed.

" I don't think so", said the other boy. " My mom says we have hard water"!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 19, 2018, 02:55:03 AM


Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? Also they track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

I think the solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 20, 2018, 04:39:09 AM


Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 21, 2018, 03:17:57 AM


A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty.

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well," he replied, "I said I was 87!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 22, 2018, 03:41:16 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 23, 2018, 03:48:58 AM


A child in class, when asked to draw a picture of the Holy Family, produced a picture in which Mary and the baby sat on a recognisably donkeyish steed, led by Joseph. on the ground nearby lay a black blob.

"What is that?" asked the teacher. "The flea," answered the artist.

"What flea, dear?" asked the puzzled teacher.

"The one the Angel told Joseph to take."

Eventually, puzzled but not liking to challenge an imaginative child, the teacher checked out her Bible. And there it was : Matthew 2:13 "......the angel of the Lord saying, Arise, and take the young child and his mother, and flee into Egypt..........."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 23, 2018, 02:13:55 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Jan 23, 2018, 06:01:08 PM
Is that ad at the bottom of the page a crotch shot? Lol.  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 24, 2018, 04:40:13 AM




Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines and told the "Gunny" that they smelled bad. The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear. The "Gunny" responded, "Aye, aye, sir. I'll see to it immediately." He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and he wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz..." "Change, now get on with it!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 25, 2018, 02:31:17 AM

You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.

"Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 26, 2018, 03:46:11 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 28, 2018, 04:43:07 AM


A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 28, 2018, 03:40:46 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 29, 2018, 03:34:55 AM


The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General."

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 31, 2018, 03:50:39 AM


A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes. The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped.

The priest looks and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already lived a wonderful and full life.

The boy replied, "You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my bookbag!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 01, 2018, 03:28:57 AM

trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull over. On aproaching the door he read s a sign: "NO NERDS." He shrugs it off and enters. He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. "Are you a nerd?" the bartender asks.

"No, I'm a truck driver," he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.

While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away.

"What the hell did you do that for!?" asks the trucker.

"Well," the bartender answers, "it's nerd season."

"Nerd season?" asks the trucker, confused.

"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season."

So, with that, he finishes his coffee and goes back on the road. While he drives the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerve's too hard. His tractor trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this. Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one. While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, "STOP! STOP!"

"What?" the trucker asks, confused, "I thought it was nerd season."

"Well yeah," the officer answers, "but you can't bait 'em!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 04, 2018, 04:14:36 AM


Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 05, 2018, 03:08:15 AM


The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 06, 2018, 03:18:18 AM


There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash. "No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!" The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper.

This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper. On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 07, 2018, 03:40:04 AM


A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. One day she found a beautiful lamp lying in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a genie popped out of the lamp! The genie said that it would grant her 3 wishes & that with every wish her husband it get the same thing only double!

So, the woman thinks of a first wish...

"I want to be rich!!!"
So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich!
So, the woman thinks of a second wish...


"I want to be beautiful!!"
So, the woman became beautiful, and the husband became twice as beautiful.

"Okay", the genie says. "This is your last wish so be careful what you wish for!"
The woman thinks real hard and finally comes to a decision.

"I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 08, 2018, 04:18:04 AM


An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded that it was so. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 09, 2018, 03:47:55 AM


A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.

Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?

"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 10, 2018, 04:13:17 AM


A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," she said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."

The husband decided to take the doctor's advice.

He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 10, 2018, 04:37:42 AM


The best Fable of the Porcupine
 
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.
 
The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.
 
After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.
 
Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.
 
 
The moral of the story is:
 
 

 
Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 12, 2018, 03:46:50 AM



WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12

 



A man walks into a drug store with his 10 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, dad?'

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.'

'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school. He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'

The dad replies, 'Those are for the high school boys, ONE for Friday ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday

'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'

'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy. 'Then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men.
ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March...............'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 13, 2018, 03:50:51 AM


A little boy was attending his first wedding.


After the service, his cousin asked him,


"How many women can a man marry?"


"Sixteen," the boy responded.


His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.


"How do you know that?"


"Easy," the little boy said.


"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,


4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 14, 2018, 03:25:52 AM

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to


his mother, "Mom, I've decided to  become a minister when I grow up."


"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"


"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I


figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 15, 2018, 04:09:12 AM


Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.



 As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other,

"I'll bet that any minute now some old senior Is going  to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and

 rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically,

 "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,

 "You must be doing well… Only two left."

Seniors   -- don't mess with them. They didn’t get old by being stupid!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 16, 2018, 05:02:06 AM


A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 16, 2018, 02:38:52 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 17, 2018, 03:32:56 AM


A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon  dragged on and on.


Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him


the money now, will he let us go?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 18, 2018, 03:21:33 AM


Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite
Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane,
so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and
Baby Jesus.  But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 19, 2018, 03:05:59 AM


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'   
 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 20, 2018, 03:51:57 AM


The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before eating?"
"No ma'am," little Johnny replies, I don't have to.
My mom is a good cook."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 23, 2018, 04:12:33 AM


A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime


story.


From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to


touch his wrinkled cheek.


She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.


Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"


"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."


"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"


"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."


Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at


it, isn't he ?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 23, 2018, 11:39:03 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: ssbob on Feb 23, 2018, 05:46:38 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 24, 2018, 04:47:41 AM


This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
 I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
 She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
 I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 25, 2018, 04:56:34 AM


I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
 "Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
 After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
 I said, "Yesterday."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 26, 2018, 04:51:11 AM

 went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
 I said, "Good legs."
 The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
 I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
 Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
 When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 27, 2018, 04:37:58 AM


(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/thumbnail_21.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/thumbnail_21.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 01, 2018, 04:15:50 AM

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
 The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
 The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
 The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
 The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
 Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
 "Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."     
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 01, 2018, 03:02:31 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 02, 2018, 04:23:37 AM


(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc483/ADKSPORTSMAN/thumbnail_23.jpg) (http://s1214.photobucket.com/user/ADKSPORTSMAN/media/thumbnail_23.jpg.html)



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 03, 2018, 04:53:37 AM


A police station gets 2 new horses and 2 cops are assigned to be mounted policemen. They go on a ride and come back pleased.
"This horse is great! From now on I'll always take this one" said the first cop.
"My horse's great too. So I'll always take it" replied the second cop.
"But how do we know which is which?"
They thought for a minute or two and one of them came up with an idea.
"Lets cut off this ones tail"
The other cop agreed and the horse lost it's tail. The next morning The police chief is standing in front of the horses and looks really mad. The two cops see this and ask what's wrong.
"You two morons cut off the horses tail that's what's wrong!"
"But otherwise we couldn't tell them apart."
"Can't you see the black one is a bit taller then the brown one.?!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 04, 2018, 04:03:14 AM


The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.

“How old are you?” a tenant asked.

“I’m 81 years old,” he answered.

The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 04, 2018, 05:51:16 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 05, 2018, 03:31:32 AM


A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 05, 2018, 05:25:26 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 06, 2018, 03:21:56 AM


A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."

 When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old boy toy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 06, 2018, 06:33:11 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 07, 2018, 04:14:19 AM


Q:What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A:There actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 07, 2018, 11:40:40 AM
good one  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 09, 2018, 03:11:19 AM


  I read that 4,153,237 people got married this year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 09, 2018, 05:23:29 AM
Well one of them didn't make it to the alter.....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 10, 2018, 05:43:34 AM


I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: seags on Mar 10, 2018, 08:41:14 AM

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
That is just a bad feeling.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 10, 2018, 11:39:08 AM
That is just a bad feeling.
X-2 on that one....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 11, 2018, 05:38:19 AM


When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 11, 2018, 06:37:20 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 13, 2018, 04:15:37 AM


Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 13, 2018, 12:45:23 PM
 hehehe ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 14, 2018, 03:27:52 AM


You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 14, 2018, 08:55:27 AM
Oh so true  ;)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 15, 2018, 04:26:27 AM



I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 15, 2018, 07:16:00 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 16, 2018, 05:27:54 AM


My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 17, 2018, 05:59:52 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Mar 17, 2018, 05:14:34 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 18, 2018, 03:48:46 AM



Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? Someone told him to get a long little doggy.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 18, 2018, 10:48:53 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 19, 2018, 04:20:35 AM


Denny’s has a slogan, "If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us." If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 19, 2018, 06:33:35 AM
So true with a hamburger in your hand
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 20, 2018, 03:27:36 AM


The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 20, 2018, 07:30:23 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 22, 2018, 04:51:29 AM


My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old
I was, and I told him, 72. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 23, 2018, 03:34:02 AM


 My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandpa, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?''
"You're both old," he replied.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 23, 2018, 10:35:12 AM
Well that is what we get for having gray hair  :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Mar 23, 2018, 07:52:45 PM
Well that is what we get for having gray hair  :)
Wait! I have gray hair!............... What?!?  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 24, 2018, 05:06:46 AM


 I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun  for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandpa, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors  yourself!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 24, 2018, 07:06:04 AM


A little girl took an airline flight alone to visit relatives. She settled into her seat and began to read her book. Shortly after takeoff, the atheist seated next to her leaned over and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who wanted to continue her book, replied to this total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same food - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thought for a second and replied, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl answered, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when clearly you don't know poop!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 24, 2018, 03:49:22 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 25, 2018, 05:55:40 AM


When my grandson and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 25, 2018, 06:48:45 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 26, 2018, 03:40:20 AM


When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."  (WOW! I really like this one -- it says I'm only '38'!)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 26, 2018, 06:09:11 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 27, 2018, 03:41:09 AM


A second grader came home from school and said to her grandfather, "Grandpa,  guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandfather, more than a little surprised, tried to keep his cool. "That's interesting." he said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 27, 2018, 01:36:23 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 28, 2018, 04:11:18 AM


Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it. 

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 
50 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? 
Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? 
Because those men already have boyfriends. 

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? 
A speech impediment.


What's the difference between a Texas zoo and an English zoo?
The Texas zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern USA fairy tale and a southern USA fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins 'Once upon a time.'  A southern fairy tale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap...'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 28, 2018, 07:13:43 AM
Yes sir  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 29, 2018, 04:27:42 AM


 Children's Logic:  "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote:  "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 29, 2018, 06:18:18 AM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 30, 2018, 03:06:55 AM


A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed
past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the  dog's duties.  "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." 
 A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 30, 2018, 06:54:02 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 31, 2018, 02:30:20 AM


A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and whenever
we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 31, 2018, 02:13:16 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 01, 2018, 04:24:20 AM


A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like.
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 01, 2018, 12:36:32 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 02, 2018, 03:51:21 AM


A blonde came up to the librarian & yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters & the story makes no sense!" The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 02, 2018, 04:06:32 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 03, 2018, 03:09:36 AM


Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes." "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 03, 2018, 03:52:25 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 04, 2018, 04:20:11 AM


I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.  He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."  I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"  "Oh no, nothing like that," he said.   "No, no.... I was paroled."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 05, 2018, 04:18:35 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 06, 2018, 03:57:43 AM


How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?

A: Who knows - it's never been done.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 07, 2018, 04:15:38 AM


Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere. "What are you doing!" asks Bob. Pete stops dancing & says, "My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some thing sexy to attract her!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 07, 2018, 03:36:54 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 08, 2018, 04:24:14 AM


Marriage is like a railroad sign…

First you stop, then you look, and then you listen.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 09, 2018, 03:11:13 AM


Whenever you feel sad...

It helps to picture that somewhere in this world, there’s a fool pulling on a door that says “PUSH”!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 09, 2018, 04:22:15 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: seags on Apr 09, 2018, 10:20:04 AM

Whenever you feel sad...

It helps to picture that somewhere in this world, there’s a fool pulling on a door that says “PUSH”!

 I see that once a week at the post office where I go, still a classic
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 10, 2018, 04:34:29 AM


My 18-year-old daughter and I were watching TV when a character with my maiden name—Lester Highsmith—was introduced.

"I’ve never heard my name on TV before," I said.

My daughter was equally surprised. "Your name used to be Lester?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 11, 2018, 03:42:10 AM


An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 11, 2018, 03:18:52 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 12, 2018, 04:36:27 AM


A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are all being chased by cops. They reach an alley and there are 3 barrels. The redhead goes into the barrel filled with cats, the brunette goes into the barrel full of dogs, and the blonde goes inside the barrel filled with potatoes. The cops arrive at the alley and kick the barrels to see which ones have people in them. The cop kicks the barrel with cats and the redhead goes "Meow meow" so she doesn't get caught. The cop kick the barrel with dogs and the brunette goes "Bark bark" so she doesn't get caught. The cop kicks the barrel with the potatoes and the blonde says "Potato, Potato".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 13, 2018, 03:53:36 AM


A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 13, 2018, 01:54:48 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 14, 2018, 04:47:50 AM


A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife.
The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.
The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 14, 2018, 05:42:05 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Apr 14, 2018, 05:14:53 PM

A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife.
The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.
The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"

  It should be ..
A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife.
The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.
The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me  FISH whenever I want to!"

HEHE :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Apr 14, 2018, 05:19:48 PM
    http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2016/07/yankee-doodle-stick-feather-cap-call-macaroni/   (http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2016/07/yankee-doodle-stick-feather-cap-call-macaroni/)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 15, 2018, 04:39:37 AM


A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those new sports cars."

"She did," he replied, "but where the heck was I going to find a fake convertible?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 15, 2018, 04:53:30 AM
    http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2016/07/yankee-doodle-stick-feather-cap-call-macaroni/   (http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2016/07/yankee-doodle-stick-feather-cap-call-macaroni/)
                 Thanks Dom that was an interesting read. It's amazing how terms were started and twisted through out the years.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 16, 2018, 04:37:42 AM


A mother is cleaning her teenage daughter's room when she finds a bondage magazine hidden under the bed. She shows it to her husband and asks him what he thinks they should do.
After flicking through the magazine her husband says, "To be honest I'm not sure, but I don't think spanking her is going to help."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 17, 2018, 04:32:19 AM


Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning, Same thing happens again, his hair is standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn’t believe it!
He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 18, 2018, 02:54:21 AM


What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 19, 2018, 04:45:06 AM

The other night, my wife was invited out for a night with "the girls." she told me that she'd  would be home by midnight. "she promised," were her last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. the girls piled into a cab and headed to their respective homes, quite inebriated.



Just as she walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

Realizing that I would probably wake up to this, she quickly cuckooed another 9 times. she was quit pleased with herself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up her tardiness. Even with her impaired judgment, she could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning, I asked her what time she got in, and confidently, she replied, "Midnight...like she promised." I didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper!

After a moment, I then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

A bit nervously, she asked me why, to which I responded:

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.page:
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 20, 2018, 03:50:57 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 20, 2018, 04:29:37 AM


Signs you are getting old:
1. You don't hold in your stomach when someone young and attractive enters the room.

2. You can live with out sex but not without glasses.

3. You are proud of your lawn mower.

4. Your friend is dating someone half his age, but not breaking the law.

5. You can sing along with elevator music.

6. Someone calls your house at 9 pm, and asks, 'Did I wake you up?'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 21, 2018, 03:59:14 AM

People who live in glass house
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a n*dist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 21, 2018, 06:02:28 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 22, 2018, 04:15:28 AM


Two blondes were working on a house. The one
who was nailing down siding would reach into

his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss

it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other,

figuring this was worth looking into, asked,

"Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out

of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw

it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed

toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely upset and

yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward

you aren't defective! They're for the other side

of the house!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 23, 2018, 03:53:49 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 24, 2018, 04:34:06 AM


Passenger to Airline Ticket Agent: I want my brown suitcase sent to Los Angeles, my green suitcase sent to Kansas City, and my tan suitcase sent to New Orleans.
Ticket Agent: I'm sorry, sir; this flight is to Nashville. We can't do that.

Passenger: Why not ? You did it last time.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 25, 2018, 04:21:29 AM


At a Houston at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.  As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a Texas oil rig worker who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!  I don't even know who you are!'

He just smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 26, 2018, 03:48:46 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 26, 2018, 03:52:34 AM


  God noticed that Adam was lonely. He said to him "Adam, I am going to give you the perfect companion. She'll cook and clean and listen, she's perfect."Adam replied, "What will she cost me?"God said, "An arm and a leg."Shocked, Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 27, 2018, 02:01:50 AM


A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, 'Let's get off the corner.'
No one moved, so he barked again, 'Let's get off the corner!' Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, 'Well, how did I do?'
'Pretty good,' replied the veteran, 'especially since this is a bus stop.'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 28, 2018, 07:00:22 AM


After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 29, 2018, 04:20:46 AM


Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 29, 2018, 06:26:40 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 30, 2018, 04:16:27 AM

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 01, 2018, 03:11:37 AM


There was a man who couldn’t stand his wife’s cat. So, one day, he decided to get rid of him by dumping him a long way away from the house.
He put the cat in the car and drove about 20 blocks away, then he left him at the park. But when he got home, the cat was there as if nothing had happened.
The next day he decided to take the cat somewhere further away, about 50 blocks. He put him out of the car and drove home. And again, the cat was there waiting for him. ‘This is impossible,’ said the man to himself. ‘tomorrow I’ll make sure he can’t come back!’
The next day he puts the cat in the car and he drives around, taking turn after turn – right, left, right, right and so on. Eventually, after about an hour of driving, he finally lets the cat out and drives home.
A few hours later, the phone rings at his house and his wife answers it. It’s the husband, and he asks: “Is the cat there?” “Why, yes.” says the wife, “he’s been here quite a while, where are you?”
“Please put himon the phone, I’m lost and I need directions.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 01, 2018, 03:44:53 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 02, 2018, 04:47:28 AM


Two Rednecks & a Weed Eater!
 
Two rednecks, Jimbo and Bubba, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jimbo turns to Bubba and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.  Tomorrow I think I'll go to Community College and sign up for some classes."
 
Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jimbo goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
 
'Logic?' Jimbo says. 'What 's that?'
 
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
 
'Yeah.'
 
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'
 
'That's true , I do have a yard '
 
'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'
 
'Yes, I do have a house.' '
 
And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
 
'Yes, I have a family.'
 
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be heterosexual.'
 
'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'
 
Excited to take the class now, Jimbo shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bubba at the bar.
 
He tells Bubba about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
 
'Logic?' Bubba says, 'What's that?'
 
Jimbo says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weedeater?'
 
'No'
 
'Then you're a queer.'
 
 
 


 




Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 03, 2018, 03:41:40 AM


               This is a long read but well worth it, so enjoy!

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)
Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " (1991)
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987)



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 04, 2018, 03:21:11 AM


A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup..
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration?
Old Maxine was sitting in the back smoking a cigarette along with a shot of Jack Daniels in her hand, quickly raised her other hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 05, 2018, 04:26:59 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 06, 2018, 05:05:06 AM


An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.

It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas
mission parish. He walked to the window of his
bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
 
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead
in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones.
How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley
at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead
in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a
couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit
and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would
have a little fun with the good father, replied,
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that
you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true;
but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first,
which is the reason for me call."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 07, 2018, 03:32:05 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 07, 2018, 03:59:04 AM


Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, he said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does I'm eating a hamburger!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 07, 2018, 04:30:07 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 08, 2018, 03:55:14 AM


I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars alot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have nowife to go home to... or they do.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 09, 2018, 03:37:54 AM


A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex.
The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.

The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 10, 2018, 03:32:34 AM


A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?""No," her mother replied."Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl."Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush," said her mother.After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked."Yes," the little girl replied."How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked."I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 10, 2018, 03:53:36 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 11, 2018, 04:35:05 AM


If I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 12, 2018, 04:25:17 AM


A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 13, 2018, 04:23:52 AM


An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 13, 2018, 06:10:39 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 14, 2018, 03:44:29 AM


A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
he says,"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
she replies,"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 14, 2018, 05:09:02 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 15, 2018, 03:56:05 AM


A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"


The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"   

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 16, 2018, 04:05:34 AM


It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 17, 2018, 05:14:03 AM


A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 18, 2018, 04:04:14 AM


The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. During the service, our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don't get it. Last week many of you said you wouldn't be at church Sunday because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.”One hunter said, "Well, preacher, it worked. They're all safe.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 19, 2018, 03:30:23 AM


Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.

Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"

Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"

To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"

So the second old man rushed to the store.

The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'

"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.

"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.

Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 20, 2018, 03:47:44 AM


A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy."Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 20, 2018, 02:45:19 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 21, 2018, 03:54:46 AM


A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams, "You promised me you wouldn't cheat on me again!"
The husband replies, "Darling, can't you see I'm trying? I've cut down."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 22, 2018, 03:45:25 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 22, 2018, 04:32:14 AM


The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!"
The other partner replied, "What are you worried about? We're both here."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 22, 2018, 04:49:45 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 23, 2018, 04:06:10 AM


A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She called Four Horse".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean,
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 24, 2018, 03:54:23 AM


One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, 'When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller.
Don't love me anymore?'
'Nonsense, darling,' replied the husband, 'you just cook better now.'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 24, 2018, 03:56:17 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 25, 2018, 04:43:19 AM


 President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one buxom  blonde ."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?" "Why kill a buxom blonde ?"

Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 26, 2018, 04:19:44 AM


A very thirsty man goes into a bar.

As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."

The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "I guess I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."

So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"

The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 26, 2018, 05:45:17 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 26, 2018, 06:54:01 AM

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
 
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.



As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
 
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.



 He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
 
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.



They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
 
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business !!











Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 27, 2018, 04:57:35 AM


Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody' down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you as soon as I can."
So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.

When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?"

St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth."

Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?"

St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery."

Hillary asks, "Well, is my husband's clock on the wall?"

St. Peter replies, "Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 27, 2018, 06:17:31 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 28, 2018, 04:21:33 AM


A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?"
The young man replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 28, 2018, 06:50:52 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 29, 2018, 04:15:19 AM


 Three girls walk in to  a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.
They have a seat at the bar. The bar tender says, "If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then "POOF" you'll disappear."

So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, "I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!", "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Then the brunette goes in. "I think that i am the smartest woman in the world," "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Now it's the blonde's turn. She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror. She waits... nothing happens... she is glad. She stands bravely and states, "I think... "POOF " she disappears
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 29, 2018, 04:54:10 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 30, 2018, 04:03:53 AM


Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?"

asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"

asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?"

asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 31, 2018, 04:26:41 AM


There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 01, 2018, 04:51:49 AM


The English Language
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 01, 2018, 02:16:10 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 02, 2018, 04:45:07 AM


On their first date, a man asked his companion if she'd like a drink with dinner. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.
Later, he offered her a cigarette. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.
On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.
"Okay," his date replied.
"What will you tell your Sunday school class?" he asked, shocked.
"The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to drink or smoke to have a good time.'"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 02, 2018, 06:26:22 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 03, 2018, 04:15:32 AM


Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 03, 2018, 06:50:59 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 04, 2018, 04:28:36 AM


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."
Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"
"Why?" his father asked.
"Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 04, 2018, 02:44:01 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 05, 2018, 04:09:00 AM


A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!
Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible.
Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 07, 2018, 03:07:01 AM


As I was getting in bed, she said, 'You’re drunk'.
I said, 'How do you know?'
She said, 'You live next door . .

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 07, 2018, 04:03:12 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Jun 07, 2018, 05:34:17 AM
30-30, glad you are back. GMH isn't the only one that stops into MHF every morning...h2l
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 08, 2018, 03:33:26 AM
30-30, glad you are back. GMH isn't the only one that stops into MHF every morning...h2l
               Thanks H2L ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 08, 2018, 03:33:52 AM


So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 09, 2018, 04:28:11 AM


GOD said: 'Adam, I want you to do something for me.”
“Gladly, Lord,” replied Adam. “What do you want me to do?”
“Go down into the valley.”
“What’s the valley?” asked Adam.
God explained to him, then said: “Cross the river.”
“What’s a river?”
God explained it to him, and then continued: “Go over the hill.”
“What's a hill?”
God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said: “On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave.”
“What?’s a cave?”
After God explained, he said: “In the cave, you will find a woman.”
Adam asked, “What?’s a woman?”
So God explained that to him too. He continued: “I want you to reproduce.” “How do I do that?”
“Jeez!” God muttered under his breath. He then sighed and explained the birds and the bees to Adam.
Adam liked that concept very much, so he went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill and into the cave where he found a woman.
A little while later, Adam returned and said: “Lord…  What’s a headache?”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 09, 2018, 05:05:54 AM
30-30, glad you are back. GMH isn't the only one that stops into MHF every morning...h2l
How has your spring been going h2l
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 09, 2018, 05:07:37 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Jun 09, 2018, 06:27:53 AM
GMH, things are going well. Been fishing a couple times. Catching a few walleyes but it will get better as the water warms up. It was 64* on Thursday and with the cool nights (46 last night) it will cool some more. Have a good day....h2l
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 10, 2018, 04:01:54 AM


A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.
After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.".
"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.
After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.
The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined $200 for that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers".

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 10, 2018, 06:35:10 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 11, 2018, 04:22:00 AM


And lo, in the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.""Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark."Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?""Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.""I needed a building permit.""I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.""My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.""Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.""Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.""I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!""When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.""Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.""I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.""Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.""The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.""So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?""No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 12, 2018, 04:12:34 AM


A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy!Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, pas this screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 13, 2018, 04:06:11 AM


An English teacher reminds her students of the written test in her class tomorrow:
"Now, I don't want anyone to miss this important finals exam! I will not tolerate any excuse whatsoever for your absence--unless of course you had to go to the hospital because of a serious injury, or someone died in your immediate family."
Just after she spoke, a wise ass in the back of the class exclaims: "Well, what if I were to tell you that I didn't show up for the test because I experienced complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The students in the class try to suppress their snickers and muffled laughter.
The teacher looks sympathetically towards the young man, smiles slyly and states: "Well, then...you'll have to write with your other hand".

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 13, 2018, 03:27:13 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 14, 2018, 04:44:23 AM


A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

 Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

 He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

 She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

 He thanked her and went back to his golf.

 On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

 She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

 Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

 He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

 He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

 The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

 He approached her and! said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

 She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't."

 "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

 With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

 She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

 "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.
 “I am a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 14, 2018, 12:58:00 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 15, 2018, 04:06:31 AM

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning  The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,  'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 16, 2018, 04:36:44 AM


A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 16, 2018, 06:55:37 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 17, 2018, 02:48:03 AM


Two blondes are walking down the street.  One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,  'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
 
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 17, 2018, 06:29:53 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 18, 2018, 04:21:01 AM


A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of Province capitals.  She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .. I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Manitoba?'  The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy .. it's M.'
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 18, 2018, 04:27:19 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 19, 2018, 04:12:26 AM


A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand. Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you." Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.""Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty." "That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 20, 2018, 04:27:14 AM


Life's a test...graded on a curve...
At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 20, 2018, 05:20:17 PM
 ;D   haha
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 21, 2018, 03:28:16 AM


 A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 21, 2018, 05:01:59 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 22, 2018, 03:36:12 AM


A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the Rancher

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 22, 2018, 03:51:13 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Jun 22, 2018, 08:01:37 AM
LOL! I think I resemble that remark, but I'm not sure because ....... I may be a half-wit!  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 23, 2018, 03:55:25 AM


A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 23, 2018, 07:20:42 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 24, 2018, 05:14:02 AM


The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 24, 2018, 05:19:50 AM


Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from  work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another. Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom. “Tom what’s going on?” Mark asked. “It’s my wife Beckie,” Tom replied. “She ran off with my best friend!” “Hey wait a second! Said Mark “Aren’t I your best friend?” “Not any more,” Tom said with a happy smile.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 24, 2018, 07:43:15 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 25, 2018, 05:34:44 AM


A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Husband wanted'. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 25, 2018, 05:36:31 AM


A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' And the father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 25, 2018, 04:54:27 PM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 26, 2018, 04:35:55 AM


It was the end of the day when I parked my police car in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got in the back seat there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the car. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 27, 2018, 03:52:33 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 27, 2018, 05:03:47 AM


Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, “Why did the lady change her mind?”Her mother asked, “What do you mean?”"Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 28, 2018, 03:43:49 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 28, 2018, 04:35:32 AM


A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! What are you doing?”
The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?”
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey you!”
The Monkey looks down and says, “Duuuuuuuuuude…….how much water did you drink?!”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 28, 2018, 02:41:31 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 29, 2018, 03:11:50 AM


Dilbert's Salary Theorem states that Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people. This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since: Knowledge = Power,
then Knowledge = Work/Time,
and Time = Money,
then Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make. Bummer.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: ssbob on Jun 29, 2018, 04:20:11 PM
good one
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: ssbob on Jun 29, 2018, 04:27:57 PM
funny   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 30, 2018, 05:28:21 AM


All Bill asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Anne haughtily rebuffed him with, "I don't do that sort of thing on my first date!"
"Well," Bill replied with sarcasm, "how about on your last date?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 30, 2018, 05:33:36 AM


A cattle farmer went into town on a Saturday night for a sit-down steak dinner. When the waiter brought him his steak it was rare -- very rare. The cow-puncher looked at it and demanded that it be returned to the kitchen and cooked.
"It is cooked," snapped the waiter.
"Cooked -- nothing," replied the cow-farmer. "I've seen cows injured worse than this and recover!"

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 30, 2018, 07:34:24 AM
nice
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 01, 2018, 04:53:42 AM


An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 01, 2018, 07:32:50 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 02, 2018, 05:41:15 AM


A female truck driver was pulled over by a state trooper. The patrolman told her to get out of the truck and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in her mouth as she stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was getting rid of her speed pills, the patrolman asked, "Did I just see you swallow something?"
"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.
"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.
"Yep, when I saw your lights, I knew I was screwed."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 02, 2018, 03:56:03 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 03, 2018, 05:37:53 AM


A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...
When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...
"No madam," said the gardener.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 03, 2018, 11:37:16 AM
hehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 04, 2018, 03:58:02 AM


There was a burglar who broke into a home and started to gather the items he wanted to take. All of a sudden he heard, "Jesus is watching you!" He didn't see anything in the dark house, so he went on with what he was doing. He heard, "Jesus is watching you!" again and then he really wondered who wassaying that. He turned on the flashlight, scanned the room, and finally saw a parrot. "Did you say that?" asked the burgler. "Yes," replied the parrot. "By the way, what's your name?" the burgler inquired."Moses," answered the parrot. "That's a strange name for a parrot. Who named you that?""The same people who named their rotweiller Jesus!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 04, 2018, 06:31:19 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 05, 2018, 03:24:10 AM


Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, 'Jack, I've got trouble down here!'
'What's the matter?' Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
'Bring me my wedge,' Joe shouted. 'You can't get out of here with an eight iron!'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 05, 2018, 03:27:50 AM


In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.
Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven't changed at all!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 05, 2018, 03:30:44 AM


A guy had just returned from two weeks of vacation. He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.
"What?" shouted the boss, "I can't give you more time now. Why didn't you get married while you were off?"
"Are you nuts?" he replied. "That would have ruined my whole vacation."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 05, 2018, 03:37:34 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 06, 2018, 03:36:02 AM


A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment: put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 06, 2018, 03:42:00 AM


When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one
of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when

the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the

store to hear, "Price check on Tampax, supersize please."

As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the

store misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the

intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb

or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 06, 2018, 03:43:26 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 06, 2018, 03:43:57 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 07, 2018, 06:20:39 AM


A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and to send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied: "Yes. 'Potentially,' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman or Govenor."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 07, 2018, 06:31:21 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 08, 2018, 04:49:03 AM


An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest. "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm! The front of the church always fills first now."As the young priest nodded, the old priest continued, “You also told me to assign a little more beat to the music because it would bring young people back to church. So, I supported you when you bought in that rock ‘n’ roll Gospel choir. Now, our services are consistently packed.“"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.""All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But, I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!""Yes," replied, the elderly priest. "I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot 'n’ Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 08, 2018, 08:00:01 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 09, 2018, 04:42:50 AM


An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."



The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."

"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 09, 2018, 05:14:02 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 10, 2018, 08:06:55 AM


You might be a redneck if...
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 10, 2018, 04:49:51 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 11, 2018, 04:09:45 AM


Five Undeniable Facts

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is
grown up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that
the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a
hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's
husband.

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson,
Heineken, Coors & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab
whatever is available.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 11, 2018, 04:20:44 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 13, 2018, 04:17:13 AM


A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.

Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what "you've" been doing."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 13, 2018, 04:06:37 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 14, 2018, 03:23:29 AM


A small town prosecuting barrister called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a attractive middle aged lady. He approached her and asked, "Ms. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "I do know you Mr. Leigh. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Knowles since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both barristers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 14, 2018, 10:04:47 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 15, 2018, 05:37:35 AM

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.Johnny asked his mom, “Where’d he come from?”“He came from heaven, Johnny.”“Wow! I can see why they threw him out!”


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 15, 2018, 06:25:11 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 18, 2018, 04:15:31 AM


Lexophile" is a word used to describe those who have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
 

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
 
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
 
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
 
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
 
…I can’t canoe-can you?
 
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
 
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
 
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
 
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
 
.. When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.
 
.. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
 
. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
 
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
 
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
 
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
 
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
 
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
 
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
 
 And the cream of the wretched crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 19, 2018, 04:22:27 AM


When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.
But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

"Crutches???" the doctor asked.

"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 19, 2018, 05:31:48 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 20, 2018, 03:50:25 AM


The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle.

After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked 'I've always wanted to find out what's worn under the kilt'.

The sentry replied: 'There is nothing worn, Ma'am, its all in perfect working order'.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 20, 2018, 03:52:01 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 21, 2018, 04:38:49 AM


One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.""Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.
"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 21, 2018, 06:34:19 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 21, 2018, 06:54:12 AM


                                       A man walk's into a zoo.
                               The only animal in the entire zoo
                                               is a dog.

                                             It's a shitzhu ....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 22, 2018, 06:35:06 AM


Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 22, 2018, 10:15:39 AM
 :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 22, 2018, 10:26:41 AM
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!" (http://Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!")
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 23, 2018, 04:48:23 AM


Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day. They come to a difficult par with a water trap just after the tee. The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right into the water. To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body of water and extends his golf club. The water parts, he takes his next shot and it lands on the green. The second golfer hits his ball towards the water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of the water. The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.

The third golfer hits his the ball directly into the water, where it quickly starts to sink. As the ball sinks, a fish grabs the ball in its mouth. At that very moment, a hawk plucks the fish out of the water and begins to carry it aloft. As the bird soars higher, a bolt of lightning startles the bird, which then drops the fish into a nearby tree. When the fish hits a branch of the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the tree, across the green and right into the hole...



Moses turns to Jesus and says "You know, I hate golfing with your Father."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 23, 2018, 03:54:44 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 25, 2018, 04:57:31 AM


An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 25, 2018, 04:11:14 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 26, 2018, 03:39:33 AM


A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him and upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said,

'OK, take off all you crose.'

So she did.

Dr Chang then said,

'Ok now, crawl reery fass to the other side of the room.'

So she did.

Dr Chang then said,

'OK' now crawl reery fass to me,'

So she did.

Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said,

'Your problem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I

ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.'

Confused the woman asked,

'What is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr Chang replied,

'It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your butt!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 26, 2018, 05:42:36 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 27, 2018, 03:29:17 AM


Former U.S. President George Bush said he would like to see
his son, Governor George W. Bush, in the White House.

Polls, however, indicate that the public is fed up with the

Monica Lewinsky scandal and does not want to see any more

Bush in the White House.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 28, 2018, 04:04:20 AM



Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.



She said, “Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake.”

So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom … a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.

Alice was beside herself.

The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.

After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.

Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, “What a beautiful cake!”

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

“Thank you, I baked it myself.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 28, 2018, 05:53:52 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 28, 2018, 06:24:53 AM
 
                               Women only call me ugly
                            until they find out how much
                                        money I make.

                                     Then they call me
                                        ugly and poor.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 29, 2018, 04:43:47 AM


"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl. "But I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.



"Why yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some lingerie."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 29, 2018, 06:46:11 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 29, 2018, 06:54:23 AM


                      And the Lord said unto John
                    come forth and you will receive
                                  Etenal Life

                     But John came in fifth , and won a
                                    toaster .....
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 30, 2018, 04:40:04 AM


A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out."What do you have there?" his mother asked.With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 31, 2018, 03:42:02 AM


A lady helps her husband install a new computer.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types: .....  mypenis.
As he hits 'enter', to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!
The computer had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 31, 2018, 03:54:11 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 01, 2018, 04:59:12 AM

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.
 
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
 
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 01, 2018, 04:34:33 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 02, 2018, 03:56:06 AM


A old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says,"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"...
Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?
She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 02, 2018, 04:03:00 AM


In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested.Then God created man, and then they both rested.Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 02, 2018, 04:50:14 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 03, 2018, 03:51:38 AM


An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said:
"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".
A young man opened the door and let him in.
The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.
He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed."
When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.
The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it."
The old man said, "And the same old story..."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 03, 2018, 03:55:26 AM


A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.

But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 04, 2018, 05:51:03 AM


You might be a redneck if...
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 04, 2018, 06:12:42 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 04, 2018, 06:27:25 AM

















AN OLD FART

A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. While sitting in her new room, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. After a while, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" She replies, "It's pretty nice -- except they won't let you fart."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 05, 2018, 03:43:47 AM


                     ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 05, 2018, 03:44:15 AM



One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.
The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.



“Was that all you wanted?” Murphy replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in me shoe!”



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 05, 2018, 06:14:11 AM
hehe  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 05, 2018, 06:28:37 AM
 The human brain is amazing. It functions 24/7 from when we were born & only stops when you take a test or talk to someone attractive.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 06, 2018, 04:03:42 AM


                     ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 06, 2018, 04:04:16 AM


A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 07, 2018, 03:42:46 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 07, 2018, 04:34:50 AM


My wife was going through her wardrobe and said 'Look at this, it still fits me after 25 years'
I said 'It's a freaking scarf'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Aug 07, 2018, 06:56:16 AM

My wife was going through her wardrobe and said 'Look at this, it still fits me after 25 years'
I said 'It's a freaking scarf'
LMAO! And you'd be a brave man to say so!!! (Or a fool!)  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 07, 2018, 05:05:39 PM

My wife was going through her wardrobe and said 'Look at this, it still fits me after 25 years'
I said 'It's a freaking scarf'


hahaha  I think see would be after you with a broom  :) :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 08, 2018, 03:25:15 AM
hahaha  I think see would be after you with a broom  :) :)

           She wouldn't do that She needs her broom to ride on! ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 08, 2018, 03:25:45 AM


A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 08, 2018, 03:28:41 AM


A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, 'You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little turd on your lap.'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 09, 2018, 03:00:28 AM


Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that wasclosed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the youngeralien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come inpeace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don'twant to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at thepump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over  his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 10, 2018, 02:52:35 AM


One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"



Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat , and shot the canary."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 10, 2018, 03:49:32 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 11, 2018, 06:15:52 AM


A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 11, 2018, 08:53:15 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 12, 2018, 07:25:07 AM


    Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet ?

    So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 12, 2018, 07:26:42 AM


A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 13, 2018, 03:13:52 AM


Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 13, 2018, 05:13:13 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 14, 2018, 04:21:35 AM


An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 14, 2018, 05:11:50 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 15, 2018, 04:22:46 AM


Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 15, 2018, 04:51:01 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Aug 15, 2018, 05:37:21 PM
He He Ha Ha... ;D ;D     ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Good one Jeff,...
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 16, 2018, 05:14:39 AM


   A little girl and her dog are walking through the forest when they suddenly fall into a pit. They scramble and scramble but can't make their way out. The little girl yells, the dog barks, but no one is around to hear their calls for help. Slowly, the night sky turns black and they find themselves engulfed in utter darkness.
Off in the distance, the wolves begin howling. Each howl is louder and closer than the last.
The little girl holds the dog close to her chest and says sadly to the dog, "This is the worst mess in which ever have found ourselves, my darling Sparky."
"Yeah," the dog says, "we're really screwed."
"Sparky," the girl says, astonished, "I didn't know you could talk."
"Well," the dog says, "I was kinda waiting for the right time to tell you."

         
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 16, 2018, 05:25:15 AM


A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"



The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz."

So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.

The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!

The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

"Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . . . "

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No . . . "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 17, 2018, 03:13:53 AM


A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!""Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 17, 2018, 04:16:46 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 18, 2018, 06:21:14 AM


Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 18, 2018, 07:17:02 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 18, 2018, 07:32:45 AM


                     Why are Pirates so mean ?

                 I don't know , they just  arrrrrrrrr !
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 19, 2018, 03:55:52 AM


All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade in seven years."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 19, 2018, 07:00:53 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 19, 2018, 07:20:36 AM
                             A BLONDE'S BRAIN AT WORK

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey girls," says the brunette. "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 20, 2018, 03:57:21 AM



                 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 20, 2018, 03:57:52 AM


A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 20, 2018, 05:23:17 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 21, 2018, 03:32:35 AM


A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:” What in the world happened?”

The assistant replied: “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 22, 2018, 03:13:37 AM


The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 22, 2018, 03:41:36 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: seags on Aug 22, 2018, 01:20:15 PM

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:” What in the world happened?”

The assistant replied: “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”
That's a good one.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 23, 2018, 02:38:23 AM


The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the teacher decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals.

"I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is.


 
First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees."

The children looked at her blankly.

"I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns."

No response. This wasn't going well at all!

Finally a kid volunteered:

"Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus....but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 23, 2018, 05:29:55 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 24, 2018, 05:37:40 AM


The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 24, 2018, 03:52:46 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 25, 2018, 04:11:33 AM


There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 25, 2018, 07:10:55 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 25, 2018, 07:25:53 AM
A LITTLE VOICE

A man was mowing his lawn when he heard his neighbor, who happened to be a blonde, come out of her house. She opened her mailbox, looked inside and slammed it shut. She stomped her foot and went back inside. The man thought ''how weird.''

A few minutes passed and sure enough, the blonde came out of her house again, checked her mail box, stamped her foot and went back inside. The man stopped mowing and checked her mailbox to see what was so wrong with it. After seeing nothing, he went back to mowing just shrugging his shoulders.

As soon as he heard her coming out again, he shut off his mowing machine and went up to her. ''What in the world are you doing, coming out here every five minutes?''

The blonde looked up at the man and said, ''Well, you see, there's this little voice in my house that keeps on saying, 'You've got mail,' but when I come out here to check, I don't have any.''
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 26, 2018, 06:21:03 AM


One day a blonde and Brunette where out for a drive in the Blonde's new car.
Suddenly, some jerk pulled out in front of them.
The Blonde then put her lips to the steering wheel.
The Brunette fearing for her life, but had the courage to ask, "What the hell are you doing that for?"
The Blonde calmly replied, "I'm trying to blow the horn."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 26, 2018, 06:34:14 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 26, 2018, 06:35:06 AM
     LITTLE JOHNNY

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself out late and decided to look for a place to rest the night. He finally found a hut in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door. An old man answered, and he agreed to give Johhny a bed for the night on one condition: the man's teenaged daughter would be in the other bed, and Johnny was not to touch her or disturb her sleep in any way. Johnny agreed, but changed his mind when he saw how beautiful the sleeping girl was and, while she didn't respond to his caresses, she didn't push him away either.

The next morning, Johnny awoke alone, but he figured the girl had gone to do her chores and he eagerly awaited her return. Instead the old man walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes. “What's wrong?” asked Johnny. “Oh, I've just come back from the cemetery -- we had my little girl's funeral this morning. But thank you so much for sitting up with her body last night.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 27, 2018, 04:49:22 AM


                         ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 27, 2018, 04:49:55 AM


A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.

She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"

He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?"

He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."

There is a long pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 27, 2018, 04:49:33 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 28, 2018, 04:56:40 AM


A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on
his first assignment one day. He submitted the following

report to his editor.

"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is

recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her

breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a

family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here.



Now go back and write something more appropriate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed

the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a

one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital

with lacerations on her ( o )( o ) "
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 28, 2018, 04:07:10 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 29, 2018, 03:00:21 AM


The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and
continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 29, 2018, 03:01:09 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 29, 2018, 03:02:13 PM

A BLONDE & HER TWO COATS

While her husband was at work, a blonde decided to paint their living room.

After her husband arrives home, he finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat while wearing a parka and a mink. He asked her what she was doing.

She said, "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb, and I wanted to do it by painting the living room."

He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but asked, "Why are you wearing two coats?

She replied, "I read the directions on the paint can, and they said, ''For best results, put on two coats!'"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 30, 2018, 03:27:07 AM


               ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 30, 2018, 03:27:34 AM


A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily everafter in Melbourne . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, butdid manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenevershe had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn'tknow how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like achicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got themessage, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how tosay it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to showthe butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her somechicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a wayto communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...(Please scroll down.)

What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now getback to whatever you were doing. I don't know about you sometimes..


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 30, 2018, 05:07:40 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 31, 2018, 03:09:24 AM


A racehorse owner asked his jockey why he didn't ride his mount through a hole when it opened up just before the final turn.
"I tried," replied the jockey. "But it is impossible to go through a hole that is going faster than your horse."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 01, 2018, 04:54:34 AM


An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 01, 2018, 04:56:35 AM


A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priestbeside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over thecustoms limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway youcould carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. Theofficial asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you haveto declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, butwhich is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 01, 2018, 06:45:48 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 02, 2018, 04:57:13 AM


Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."

The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"

"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 02, 2018, 09:01:56 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 02, 2018, 01:02:17 PM

                 BANANA PEEL

An idiot walking down the street spots a banana peel and sighs.

"Here we go again!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 03, 2018, 04:28:23 AM



               ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 03, 2018, 04:28:51 AM


A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you fat evil slag'."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 03, 2018, 07:21:45 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 03, 2018, 07:26:13 AM
                 AFTER YOU

'"Have you heard my knock-knock joke?" asked the blonde.

"No," said the brunette.

"Okay," said the blonde. "You start."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 04, 2018, 03:33:24 AM



                    ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 04, 2018, 03:33:57 AM


65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
 
While on the operating table she had a near death experience..
Seeing God, She asked "Is my time up?"
 
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
 
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
 
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
Well make the most of it.
 
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
The street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
 
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
Another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
Ambulance?"
 
 
(You'll love this)
 
 
 
God replied:
” I didn't recognize you!!!!!"
 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 05, 2018, 05:23:07 AM

          One liners



Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
An escalator never breaks... it only becomes stairs.
When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
What will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do "without"?
If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.
18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.
Today is the last day of your life, so far.
No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions.
People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.
One half of the world will never understand the other half and it doesn't matter which half you're in.
I've discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week and the government spends 7.
You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.
No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.
The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can't hold it.
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the plane fare to leave.
#joke #policeman #doctor

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 06, 2018, 03:39:50 AM


A teacher was reprimanding a teenager in the hall. "Do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't like get anything out of it."
"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 07, 2018, 04:19:15 AM


A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 08, 2018, 05:33:17 AM


New drugs for men...
With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.
Here are a few of the new ones:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving oncar trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directionswhen they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were farmore likely to actually finish a household repair project beforestarting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent ofmiddle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.



BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported asudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewellery and giftsafter taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whetherthe drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect ofmaking men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxiousintestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise intreating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 08, 2018, 07:25:38 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 09, 2018, 04:00:16 AM


Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being outlate the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get in to trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 09, 2018, 06:22:08 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 09, 2018, 06:22:53 AM

     A BLONDE & HER THERMOS

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.

Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"

She replies, "Soup and ice cream."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 10, 2018, 04:00:43 AM


In the middle of the night
Husband: I won't be able to sleep after wards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 10, 2018, 05:13:57 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 10, 2018, 05:26:30 PM
A LAWYER'S IDEAL WEIGHT

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

A: About three pounds, including the urn.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Sep 10, 2018, 05:30:38 PM
 ;D
HeHe.   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 11, 2018, 04:52:52 PM


                    BLONDE EMAIL

Q: How do you know when a blonde's been sending email?

A: There are envelopes in the disk drive.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 18, 2018, 03:42:33 AM


All of Broomtown was a buzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married. Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple.

The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little wisk-broom.

"But, how can that be?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 19, 2018, 04:44:44 AM


You might be a redneck if...
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny.

Your house has a kickstand.

You drive around a parking lot for fun.

Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".

You have to duct tape your gloves on.

You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.

Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.

You think that Marlboro is a cologne.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 20, 2018, 03:15:51 AM


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Thibault on Sep 20, 2018, 11:29:45 AM
what about this
(https://i.postimg.cc/N2fHnyHX/maxresdefault.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/N2fHnyHX)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 21, 2018, 03:30:25 AM


1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
3· Life is sexually transmitted.
4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it Normal .
11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever Comes out'?
13· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
14· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
15· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
16· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
19· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
20· Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 22, 2018, 04:35:08 AM


Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Student: "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 22, 2018, 07:12:59 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 22, 2018, 07:28:34 AM

          BLACK AND BROWN

 What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

 A Doberman pinscher.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 23, 2018, 04:54:48 AM



                            ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 23, 2018, 04:55:14 AM


A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
“No thank you.” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”
“That must be rather difficult.” the man replied.
“Oh, I don’t mind too much.” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 23, 2018, 07:44:13 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 23, 2018, 07:45:49 AM

          A HUSBAND'S REALIZATION

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every day.

One day he told her, "You have been with me through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were there. When we lost the house, you were there. When my health started failing, you were there. You know what?"
"What is it, dear?" she asked.

He responded, "I think you bring me bad luck."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 24, 2018, 04:32:25 AM


              ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 24, 2018, 04:32:57 AM


A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. For this particular trip, he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: “You rest here while I register – I’ll be back within an hour.”
So, his wife lies down on the bed…and just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he’ll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
“Look, lie here on the bed – you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”
So he lies down next to the wife… Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says in an ominous tone, “are you doing here?”
The manager replies: “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 25, 2018, 03:43:26 AM


A Blonde Redneck Guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The Guy thinks for a moment and says, 'First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.'
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The Guy is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, 'And what about your other two wishes?'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Give me two more just like this one!'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 26, 2018, 03:06:30 AM


 A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming knowledgeable about the Bible. But one day, she surprised her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: seags on Sep 26, 2018, 08:34:18 AM
 I do not get this one.
Is it LeBron James that he is talking about?
That is the only King James that I have heard of.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 27, 2018, 03:05:07 AM
I do not get this one.
Is it LeBron James that he is talking about?
That is the only King James that I have heard of.
              Are you a religious person, then you would know!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 27, 2018, 03:05:41 AM


A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God". A postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my Mom is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?" The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise $300.A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed to God. The boy thanked God for the recent infusion of cash, but ended with this request: "Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you send it through the post office they deduct $200."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 28, 2018, 03:37:33 AM


You Don't Believe All That Stuff, Do You?
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It's the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that. It's in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 29, 2018, 03:22:26 AM


At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his series of injections, asked for a glass of water.
"What's the matter, mate?" asked the sick-bay attendant. "Not feeling well?"
"No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 30, 2018, 04:05:23 AM


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at ho me.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 30, 2018, 03:21:05 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 30, 2018, 03:27:43 PM


                 BLOND WITH A CELL PHONE

A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.

The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.

It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?"

She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 02, 2018, 03:28:23 AM


                     ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 02, 2018, 03:29:21 AM


A husband and wife were sitting around one day drinking a bottle of wine. The husband turns to his wife and says, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
After thinking about it a few minutes the wife looks at her husband and says, "Your pecker is bigger than your brothers!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 03, 2018, 04:02:37 AM


A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the guy makes his move."I`m a hooker".
The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it.

After they finish, the guy says,

"Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town".



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 04, 2018, 04:23:31 AM


You might be a redneck if...
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked.
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 04, 2018, 05:19:39 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 05, 2018, 03:32:26 AM


A husband and wife, vacationing in Rome, were being shown through the Colosseum.
"Now, this room," said the guide, "is where the slaves dressed to fight the lions."
"But how does one dress to fight lions?" inquired the husband.
"Very slow-w-w-w-w-w-ly," replied the guide.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 05, 2018, 05:46:59 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 06, 2018, 03:06:28 AM


This morning I went to sign my Dog up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my Dog is a mix in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is. He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because he is a dog.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dog gets his first check Friday.
This is a great country!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 06, 2018, 06:54:31 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 07, 2018, 04:58:36 AM


Three nuns died and visited St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said he would admit them if they each answered one question.He turned to the first nun and asked, "Who was the first man?""Adam," the nun confidently replied. The trumpets sounded and the angels sang as the gates swung open and she walked into heaven.St. Peter turned to the second nun. "Who was the first woman?" "Eve," she replied. The trumpets sounded and the angels sang.Then St. Peter turned to the last nun. "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"The nun paused for a moment. "Gee, that's a hard one!"The trumpets sounded and the angels sang.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 07, 2018, 11:16:05 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 08, 2018, 03:53:45 AM


One day there were two boys playing by a stream.
One boy went over to the bush to check out some noises. He pointed out a woman bathing naked in the steam. So, both boys decided to stay and watch her.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.
Finally he caught up to him and asked his friend why he had run away. The second boy said to his friend, "My mum told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 08, 2018, 05:35:38 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 09, 2018, 03:32:35 AM


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear,what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed , "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 09, 2018, 05:17:34 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 10, 2018, 03:21:18 AM


The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off.
The general looks at the second young man and asked,"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 11, 2018, 04:44:32 AM


A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam," she says. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..." He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything." His voice softens, "Anything?" "Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 12, 2018, 04:01:47 AM


If men ran the world...

- Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the butt and a 'Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time' would pretty much do it.

- Birth control would come in ale or lager.

- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

- St. Patrick's Day would be celebrated every month.

- Garbage would take itself out.

- The only show opposite 'Monday Night Football' would be 'Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.'

- Instead of 'beer-belly,' you'd get 'beer-biceps.'

- Tanks would be far easier to rent.

- Two words... 'Ally McNaked.'

- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: 'You know how fast you were going?'You: 'All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.' Cop :'Nice one, That's $10.00 off'.

- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.



- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

- Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said 'You're #1!'

- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to 'I love you.'

- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

- 'Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night,' would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

- At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

- Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards.


      IW
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 13, 2018, 03:53:54 AM


If Women ruled the world...
- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
- Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

- A man would no longer be considered a 'good catch' simply because he is breathing.

- Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

- Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

- 'Ms.' Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

- Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

- Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.



- Little girls would read 'Snow White and the Seven Hunks.'

- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

- Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

- Men would learn phrases like:'I'm sorry,' 'I love you,' 'You're beautiful,' 'Of course you don't look fat in that outfit.'

- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

- Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

- All toilet seats would be nailed down.

- Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

- TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

- All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year-olds.

- Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 13, 2018, 06:39:07 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 14, 2018, 04:34:35 AM


A young pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce himself to the new congregation. He rang the first door bell and a lady came to the door. She stared at him as he introduced himself. She said, “I can't believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country music singer.” He replied, “Yes, ma’am, I hear that a lot.”He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing—that he looked like Conway Twitty.At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and screamed, “Conway Twitty!”The pastor stood there, stunned. Then he said, “Hello, darling!”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 14, 2018, 07:14:39 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 15, 2018, 03:33:53 AM


A woman was telling her friend, "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 15, 2018, 05:00:11 PM
 :) ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 16, 2018, 04:11:53 AM



Murphy's Laws
Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think.
Murphy's Third Law: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Murphy's Tenth Law: It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Laws: Murphy was an optimist.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 16, 2018, 05:09:49 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 17, 2018, 04:02:13 AM


An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 17, 2018, 04:04:16 AM


A man suffered a heart attack and had by-pass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay the bill.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he has money in the bank.

He replied "No money in the bank."

The nun asked " Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said "Just a spinster sister who is a nun."

The nun, slightly preturbed, said "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 17, 2018, 05:07:34 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 18, 2018, 03:19:10 AM


Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it!

He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary said, "I just peed in the soup!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 18, 2018, 05:14:41 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 19, 2018, 03:27:31 AM


A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test,"replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down.
"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering,power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!"
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.
"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 20, 2018, 05:55:42 AM


Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession. "Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site." Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?"Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm 'fraid someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole."Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left."Priest: "What did you do with it?"Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog, Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta the weather, so I make him his own little doghouse."Priest: "OK, anything else?"Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two car garage."Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left."Priest: "Yes?"Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bathroom."Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"Boudreaux: "No, Father... But, if you got the plans, I got the lumber."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 21, 2018, 04:54:15 AM



The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 21, 2018, 08:51:43 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 22, 2018, 03:46:58 AM


A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 23, 2018, 03:59:20 AM


Dictionary For Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 24, 2018, 04:23:29 AM


This guy walks into a doctors office and his head is big and orange. The doctor says, "Good god man, you've got a big orange head! How did this happen?"
Guy starts to tell his story: "Well doctor, the other day I was walking along the beach when I notice a piece of metal sticking out of the sand. I picked it up and it was a lamp. I brushed off the sand and *poof* out pops a genie who says he will grant me three wishes.
I say, 'Genie, for my first wish I want a bank account with 10 billion dollars'. Genie says *poof* and hands the me a card with a account number and routing number to a bank account with 10 billion dollars.
So then I said, 'Genie for my second wish I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world and I want her to be madly in love with me'.
All of a sudden *poof* -- I'm standing next to the most beautiful woman in the world, and in her hand she has a marriage certificate."
At this point in the story the guy turns to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think this is the point where I went wrong. I turned to the genie and said, 'Genie for my third wish I want a big orange head!'"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 26, 2018, 05:08:01 AM

You Might Be A Redneck If ...
Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon.
The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 26, 2018, 05:09:23 AM


Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 27, 2018, 03:25:18 AM


After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient:'You appear to be in good health.. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sexwith her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said,'Everything appears to be fine.. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned anunusual problem.. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time;and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?'
"Oh, that crazy old bastard'' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 27, 2018, 02:58:03 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 28, 2018, 05:10:42 AM


Three Little Ducks go into a Bar...
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the rely.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?"
"Oh, that's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer back fro the second duck.
"So, how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 28, 2018, 06:59:11 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 29, 2018, 04:27:54 AM


A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one... sets it down and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man then leaves.
On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, "I don't mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?"

The man says, "When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times."

The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one... sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer... sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious. The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires, "I don't mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?"

The man says, "Oh, no, nothing like that. It's just that my wife said that I couldn't go to the bar and drink anymore... but she didn't say anything about my brothers."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 30, 2018, 04:07:19 AM


A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said the man.
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 30, 2018, 05:28:46 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 31, 2018, 03:22:11 AM


Several days before Halloween, Tom, Dick and Harry were sitting in a bar enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided to get in on the Christmas raffle.
Since the raffle was for charity, they bought five tickets each. When the raffle was drawn a few days later, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize - a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.
Dick was the winner of the second prize - a six month supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.
And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
The next time they met at the bar, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"Me too," replied Dick.
"And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
"Not so good," Harry groaned, "I reckon I'll go back to toilet paper."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 31, 2018, 04:57:57 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 01, 2018, 04:35:24 AM


Yo Mama Is So Ugly

Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras
Yo mama so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?"
Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower!
Yo mama so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!
Yo mama so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies!
Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
Yo mama so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!
Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo mama so ugly The NHL banned her for life
Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween!
Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday!
Yo mama so ugly if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects!
Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints
Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry!
Yo mama so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
Yo mama so ugly she scares the roaches away.
Yo mama so ugly we have to tie a steak around your neck so the dog will play with her!
Yo mama so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 02, 2018, 03:31:56 AM


After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 03, 2018, 04:35:07 AM


Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"
"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
Why is it that most nudist  are people you don't want to see naked?
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years .... then we met.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 03, 2018, 04:10:07 PM
 >:(
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 04, 2018, 03:05:12 AM


One day St. Peter saw a street gang walking up to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some low-life street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?"
God relied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Redirect them."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order, but he suddenly came running back and yelling, "God, God, they're gone! They're gone!"
"The street gang?"
"No, the Pearly Gates!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 05, 2018, 03:56:47 AM


Rodney Dangerfield saying

I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint bernard!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 06, 2018, 03:02:26 AM


Barmen Prayer


Our lager,
Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink,

Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),

At home as it is in the pub.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we will forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.

For ever and ever.

Barmen.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 07, 2018, 03:47:05 AM


A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study & said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little & get your hair cut, & we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back & again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment & replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, & even Jesus had long hair ..." To which his father replied, "Yes, & they WALKED every where they went too!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: fishnmachine on Nov 17, 2018, 09:13:54 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/SnNJfLFn/Cookie.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/SnNJfLFn)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 18, 2018, 04:42:56 AM

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Nov 18, 2018, 08:36:16 AM
Welcome back....h2l
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 19, 2018, 04:44:11 AM
Welcome back....h2l
               Thanks, it's good to be home!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 19, 2018, 04:44:33 AM


A small boy is wandering in a hotel, and hearing some noises decides to open a door. He says "Wow, it's dark here!"
You can imagine that there's a man with a woman in bed in that room... The man asks, "What do you want? Here's a pound, leave us alone."
A bit latter, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: "Wow, it's dark here!"
"Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something." And the boy goes out with 2 pounds.
The following morning, the boy feels some remorse, and tells what happened to his mother. She says: "That's wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself."
So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: "Wow, it's dark here!".
To which the priest says: "Not you again, are you following me around?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 20, 2018, 05:18:55 AM


There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 21, 2018, 04:58:13 AM


Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing.
The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing.
Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole.
The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 22, 2018, 04:11:51 AM


A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 23, 2018, 03:32:17 AM


A grasshopper hops into a bar and onto a barstool. The bartender says to the grasshopper, "Did you know we have a drink named after you?"

And the grasshopper replies, "Really?! You have a drink named Steve?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 24, 2018, 03:36:46 AM


Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Fuck!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 25, 2018, 04:40:31 AM


An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found.....
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
.....Which goes to show that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 26, 2018, 03:50:17 AM


A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service,they opted for the contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.
"Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.
"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Franz123 on Nov 26, 2018, 10:45:28 PM
(https://i.ytimg.com/vi/i_m3_z7CNLI/hqdefault.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 27, 2018, 04:27:28 AM


An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 28, 2018, 04:13:07 AM


Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"

Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did."

She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?"

Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"

Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says.

"Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 29, 2018, 02:57:01 AM


A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 30, 2018, 03:03:48 AM


A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while, then the lass said, "A penny for your thoughts."
The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss."
So she did so.
But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What are ye thinkin' now?"
To which the lad replied: "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 02, 2018, 04:00:56 AM


The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 02, 2018, 11:18:10 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 03, 2018, 05:38:15 AM


A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled.
"All I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the work."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 03, 2018, 05:33:19 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 04, 2018, 03:23:07 AM


When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale.

Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 04, 2018, 04:27:50 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 05, 2018, 03:37:09 AM


According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 06, 2018, 06:15:57 AM


Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 07, 2018, 03:57:05 AM


The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.
When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out,"Having children is an act of God!!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 07, 2018, 03:36:07 PM
 >:(
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 08, 2018, 05:14:35 AM


A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some young woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 09, 2018, 04:04:44 AM



Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?
A: They all get the house.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 10, 2018, 03:33:59 AM


A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed," replied the rabbi.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 10, 2018, 03:36:08 AM


A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed," replied the rabbi.

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 12, 2018, 04:18:43 AM


There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says,"This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled.All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and over again. Finally the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget my line?" he asked.
"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 13, 2018, 05:17:19 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 14, 2018, 05:07:26 AM


One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.

Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 15, 2018, 05:03:24 AM


A young woman came home and told her mom that her steady boyfriend had proposed, but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell. "Marry him anyway, honey. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how very wrong he is."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 16, 2018, 04:50:32 AM


Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.
"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."
"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."
"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 17, 2018, 04:05:59 AM


A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 18, 2018, 04:42:17 AM


A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and says, "Welcome. Come walk with me and I'll show you where you'll be staying."As they're walking along the path he notices clocks on the Golden Fence of Heaven. He asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks for?"St. Peter replies, "They’re clocks for every person in the world. They click once for each time you lie."By the time they reach where the man is staying, he asks out of curiosity, "I didn't see any politicians’ clocks. Where are they kept?"St. Peter calmly replies, "People here use them as fans."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 19, 2018, 04:03:49 AM


The 60th High School Reunion
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past, without fail.
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table . . . and the widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me? After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, 'Yes.... yes I will!'
Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower. However, the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes or did she say No? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?
'Why you silly man, she replied, I said Yes. Yes, I will! And I meant it with all my heart!' The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued. 'And I'm so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who asked me”.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 21, 2018, 03:39:16 AM


A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: seags on Dec 21, 2018, 07:48:35 AM

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

I kindof did smile on that one; whiskey was “cool” for me but it was very bad for me.
 I have been alcohol free since May 22 2017, that morning I blew a 2.7 (that is correct, you read that right)
 I did not get a DUI, just a very kind officer gave me a few options, go to county and be processed or call for a ride and get my ass home. I just checked, I am on day 578.  I feel 100% better.
 With the help from my parents and myself, “I did this on my own”
 And I did not get any worms.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 22, 2018, 03:55:38 AM
I kindof did smile on that one; whiskey was “cool” for me but it was very bad for me.
 I have been alcohol free since May 22 2017, that morning I blew a 2.7 (that is correct, you read that right)
 I did not get a DUI, just a very kind officer gave me a few options, go to county and be processed or call for a ride and get my ass home. I just checked, I am on day 578.  I feel 100% better.
 With the help from my parents and myself, “I did this on my own”
 And I did not get any worms.

              Good for you, sometimes it takes a scare like that to see the ways!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 22, 2018, 03:59:36 AM


A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 23, 2018, 04:03:38 AM


In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex."
The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?"
Johnny says, "Seventy three."

The teacher says, "Uh...very good, John, very good..."
She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about you?"

Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just lays on top of the girl."
Johnny yells, "Seventy four!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 23, 2018, 07:03:46 AM
  :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 24, 2018, 03:13:36 AM

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factually...
'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 24, 2018, 06:38:53 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 26, 2018, 03:16:38 AM

A small boy came running out of the bathroom in tears.
"What's the matter?" asked his father.
"I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet."
"Okay, don't worry, but we'd better throw it out."
So the father fished the toothbrush out of the toilet and put it in the garbage. When he returned, the boy was holding another toothbrush.
"Isn't that my toothbrush?" the father said.
"Yes," said the boy, "and we'd better throw this one out too, because it fell in the toilet four days ago."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 26, 2018, 06:36:16 AM
  :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 29, 2018, 03:29:14 AM


Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes,no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.' Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 29, 2018, 03:33:39 AM


The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice. "The next time you're down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and go to the house," said the doctor.
"I tried that," said the farmer, "But by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no use."
The doctor thought for a minute, "Take your shotgun with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun and she will come down there where you are."
A few weeks later the two men met on the street.
"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.
"Fine, the first three days," said the farmer, "But then hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 30, 2018, 03:07:10 AM


A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 31, 2018, 04:05:33 AM


"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"
"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored, "Please--break my arms!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 01, 2019, 04:13:57 AM


I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"



When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets.

"That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 01, 2019, 11:59:16 AM
Hehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 02, 2019, 04:35:08 AM


A guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to upset his wife for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.

Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story,

"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"

"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hitailed it back here! Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 03, 2019, 04:29:01 AM


A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.

His home planet is flat.
His IQ is a false positive.
His jack can't get the car off the ground.
His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.
His mind is great at error magnification.
His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes.
His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.
His mind is write-protected/write-only.
His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.
His mind wandered and never came back.
His motto is: Space, the final frontier.
His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.
His outgoing message starts with, "Hello, Mr. Answering Machine."
His page was intentionally left blank.
His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 04, 2019, 04:05:44 AM


A drunk gets on a transit bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop. He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus. Still the man is fumbling in his pockets for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus. Next stop, the same thing happens. Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back. A few stops later the drunk exits the the bus from the front.

"Hey", shouts the bus driver... "You didn't pay your fare yet!"

The drunk, reeling, shouts back "And I'm not going to!..... I walked all the way!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 06, 2019, 03:19:15 AM



 "My boyfriend and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one," said Jill.
"How'd you do that?" asked Margaret.
"Well," says Jill, "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex'?"
"Yeah," says Margaret.
Jill replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 07, 2019, 05:06:49 AM


A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 08, 2019, 04:55:29 AM


A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby. "Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 09, 2019, 04:29:19 AM


A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The
interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can

you tell us your age, please?'

The blonde counts

carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before

replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'

The interviewer tries

another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you

tell us your height, please?'

The young lady stands up

and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then

traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top



of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five

foot two!'

This isn't looking good so the interviewer

goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our

records, your name please?'

The blonde bobs her head

from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing

something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!'

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so

he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your

counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the

measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you

doing when we asked you your name?'

'Ohh that!',

replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy

birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 11, 2019, 05:02:05 AM


Harold and Al were on a small chartered airplane when the pilot suddenly had a heart attack.
"Don't Panic," cried Harold heroically. "I'll land this baby!"
Seizing the controls he headed for the runway at LaGuardia Airport, and began wrestling the diving plane to the ground. Just as the wheels touched the ground, Al screamed, "Red lights!! Right in front of you!"
Immediately Harold threw the engine in reverse and jammed on the breaks, bringing the plane to a violent stop just inches from the edge of the lights.
"Brother!" he puffed, wiping his brow. "That sure was a short runway!"
"Yeah," agreed Al, looking side to side, "but look how WIDE it is."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 12, 2019, 04:50:40 AM


During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento
When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 13, 2019, 04:21:16 AM


A doctor and his wife are having an argument in the morning over breakfast and the doctor blurts out, "You know what? You're not that great in bed anyways!"

So he goes off to work and thinks it over and decides to call his wife and make amends.....

So he calls the house and the phone rings many, many times and then his wife finally answers the phone completely out of breath....

So the doctor says, "What were you doing?" and she says, "l was in bed!" and the doctor says, "What were you doing in bed so late in the day?"

The wife says, "getting a second opinion!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 14, 2019, 03:59:21 AM


A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite.."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says,"those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything ! on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks,"How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now."How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know! why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 15, 2019, 03:48:59 AM


A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slowly. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt.

A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

"What's going on?" she yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 16, 2019, 03:43:46 AM

A pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only 10 minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for two hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation has to mob him to get him down from the pulpit, and they ask him what happened.
The pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, by mistake he put his wife's teeth in and couldn't stop talking.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 18, 2019, 04:16:43 AM


An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 19, 2019, 06:20:10 AM


A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."
"But I don't have the fingers!"
"Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor.
"Doc, I couldn't pick them up."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 20, 2019, 03:27:44 AM


Jim is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Jim, all of us use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit, which consist of a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Jim asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen', you hit her with the shovel.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 21, 2019, 01:38:30 PM
   :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 22, 2019, 03:19:41 AM


These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in theNew York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, someof these are really funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has startedto dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails toachieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to holdit all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice aweek.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 22, 2019, 03:20:52 AM


A man walks in a bank, pulls out a gun, and robs the bank...
Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me
rob this bank?"
The customer replies, "YES!"
The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots him
in the head and kills him!
He then moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "DID ...
YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB THIS BANK????"
The man calmly responds, "No ... But My Wife Did!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 23, 2019, 04:16:01 AM


Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy ?" The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue." The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern." "Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 24, 2019, 05:55:56 AM


Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets.

Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea." After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back.

As he came back up Zeke noticed that his cloths were torn and wondered what that was all about.

Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here."

Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.

Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"

Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata??

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 25, 2019, 03:52:53 AM


A golfer, who was known for his bad temper, walked into the Pro Shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of woods.
The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time - more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back.
But the next time he came in, he was all smiles.
"They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said. "In fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my last ones.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 26, 2019, 04:12:34 AM


A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
'Darling, how I've missed you!'
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, 'Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 26, 2019, 03:32:07 PM
  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 27, 2019, 04:38:19 AM


Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something "Christmassy." in order to get in.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is let in.

The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

To which he replies, "Oh, . . . They're Carol's."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 27, 2019, 06:38:30 AM
Hehe ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 28, 2019, 03:53:13 AM


A kindergarten student was having trouble putting on his boots, and asked his teacher for help. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. Finally they got both boots on. She grimaced when the little boy said, "They're on the wrong feet."
Sure enough, they were. The teacher kept her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the correct feet. The little boy then announced, "These aren't my boots." The teacher sighed and pulled the boots off.
The boy then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
The teacher felt like crying, but she mustered up the strength to wrestle the boots back onto his feet. "Now," she said, "where are your mittens?"
The boy replied, "I stuffed them in my boots..

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 29, 2019, 04:36:14 AM


A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 30, 2019, 03:22:11 AM


Two friends arrived home after spending the night in several bars. The first one took the key from his pocket and tried unsuccessfully to put it into the lock.
After several failed attempts, his friend said, "Do you want me to try and steady your hand?"
"No, my hand's okay, you try and hold the house!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 31, 2019, 04:09:59 AM


A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper. After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intentively on the youth's multicolored mohawk.
The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"
The man responded with "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 01, 2019, 03:34:16 AM


A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 01, 2019, 04:54:24 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 02, 2019, 05:20:22 AM


Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once a nd reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 03, 2019, 03:48:39 AM


The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside.

On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.

"Jesus Christ!" he says.

Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 03, 2019, 06:33:03 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 04, 2019, 03:44:46 AM


A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:
Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 05, 2019, 03:23:17 AM


While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 06, 2019, 05:06:17 AM


The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 08, 2019, 02:28:24 AM


Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 08, 2019, 03:44:15 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 09, 2019, 03:45:32 AM


One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 09, 2019, 12:31:20 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 10, 2019, 05:38:36 AM


The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."



"You're on, old man," the young man bragged replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 11, 2019, 02:50:36 AM


In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the class and said,
"Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche"
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Adam. Little Adam stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Adam, why silicon?"
"Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars parked outside of our house!!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 12, 2019, 03:14:26 AM


I don't know why most people think a dog's life is so easy.
Every time I come home from work, I ask my dog how his day went.
He always says, "Rough!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 13, 2019, 03:13:46 AM


All of his life Len from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!
Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, "Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather was born in January, you were born in July."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 14, 2019, 03:44:24 AM


A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands.
One lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to hell."
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."
Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it."
So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?"
The redhead says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to hell!"
They were shocked and asked why.
"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 15, 2019, 04:25:13 AM


There was once a man who lived in a poor country. He went to law school and became a very intelligent person. Years later, he decided to go back to his country to show them how worthy he is. He started his own office. The next day, he saw a man walking into his office. He picked up the phone and gestured the man to come in and pretended he was talking to very famous people and cancelling meetings with presidents, etc. After he put down the phone several minutes later, he apologized to the man and said, "Sorry to keep you waiting. As you can see, I'm a very busy man. What can I do for you?" The man smiled and said, "I'm from the telephone company. I'm here to hook up you phone."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 15, 2019, 07:53:48 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 16, 2019, 03:59:08 AM


Darling," a husband whispered to his wife late one night, "if I died, would you get married again?"
"I suppose so," she replied.
"Would you sleep in the same bed with him?" he asked.
"Well, it's the only bed in the house, so I have no choice," she replied.
"Would you make love to him?" he asked.
"Honey," the woman said patiently, "of course I would. He would be my husband."
"Would you give him my car?" he asked.
"No," she yawned. "He can't drive a stick shift.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 17, 2019, 03:29:07 AM


A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 18, 2019, 03:33:47 AM


Geography of a Woman:
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece - gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain - with a glorious and all-conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages ... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
Geography of a man:
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 18, 2019, 04:55:45 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 19, 2019, 02:53:57 AM


A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles,and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 20, 2019, 03:59:55 AM


A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in serious financial trouble. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself:
"Brandi, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 21, 2019, 03:42:44 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 21, 2019, 04:23:36 AM


A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"
The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles.
"Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"
"It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my life."
"Second worst? What could have been worse than that?"
"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 22, 2019, 04:59:11 AM


Madge had been lonely for many years after her husband's death. She decided she wanted to get married again. But, she didn't know any eligible men. So she decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad contained three criteria:
1. The man would not beat her. (like her previous husband)
2. The man would not run around on her. (like her previous husband)
AND 3. The man was good in bed.
The day after the ad ran, Madge's doorbell rang. When she answered the doorbell, she found a man in a wheelchair. She asked the man if she could help him and he said he was there to respond to the ad. Madge asked the man what ad he was talking about. He said the ad for the Husband. Then Madge told him that there were specific needs in the ad. The man in the wheelchair replied:
1. Look at me, I have no arms, so I can't beat you.
2. I have no legs, so I can't run around on you.
Madge replied, "But there was one more important criterion the ad." The man in the wheelchair then asked: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 23, 2019, 04:21:11 AM


A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
'It ain't so bad,' one crook noted. 'We got $25 between us.'
The boss screamed: 'I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $100 when we broke in!'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 24, 2019, 03:28:27 AM


A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."



The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 24, 2019, 12:14:23 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 25, 2019, 04:01:15 AM


Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife... she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... women like that are hard to find."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 26, 2019, 04:53:28 AM


A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 27, 2019, 03:57:50 AM


Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.
"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."
"That's from your grandma," said Josh.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 28, 2019, 03:17:47 AM


Its raining and this midget goes to the doctors and says "Every time it rains my fanny gets sore".
He tells her to hop onto the examining couch. He bends over and looks up her skirt. "I see the problem," he says. And taking a pair of scissors shoves them up her skirt. Snip snip snip snip he goes with the scissors. "There that's fixed it" he says. "Your fanny wont be sore any more"
"Did you operate on my fanny doctor?" asks the midget.
"No" said the doctor, "I cut 2 inches off the tops of your wellingtons".


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 01, 2019, 04:42:51 AM



One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally
fell from a bridge into a very cold river.

Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident.

Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and

dragged the wet president out of

the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of

the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it,

I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to

Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.



"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the

grateful defender of the Western Hemisphere.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the

third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not

handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved

from drowning."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: myemmy on Mar 01, 2019, 05:57:47 AM
Hey, just a note of thanks for all the jokes keep them coming !
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 01, 2019, 04:09:42 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 02, 2019, 04:00:03 AM


An attorney got home late one evening after a very frustrating day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Clarence Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the state governor had been denied and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Why didn't you call if you were going to be late? What am I supposed to do with your cold dinner? Where the hell have you been?" and so on.
Too upset to even respond to her harangue, he poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak. He could still hear her continuing diatribe until he closed the bathroom door.
While he was in the bath the phone rang. The wife answered to be told that Wright, her husband's client, had been granted a stay of execution.
She went upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's posterior as he was bent over naked cleaning the tub.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
The attorney turned his head and said wearily "My God, woman, don't you ever stop?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 03, 2019, 04:55:50 AM


The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply.
"Really?"
"Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 03, 2019, 04:57:02 AM

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 04, 2019, 03:39:07 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 07, 2019, 03:22:37 AM


Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs.
Walking up to his foreman, he asked, "Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?"
"Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!"
"Then why aren't you wearing them?"
"Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then someone offered me a drink and I didn't hear him!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 08, 2019, 04:30:44 AM


An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.

"Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional, schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 09, 2019, 05:43:10 AM


After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her carefully, then said, 'You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.'
'What does that mean?' she asked suspiciously.
He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!'
She beamed at him happily and said: 'Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?'
'I'm Just Kidding!'
(The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 10, 2019, 05:32:13 AM


Pick-up line comebacks...
He: Haven't we met before?
She: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Bad Breath Clinic.

He: Is this seat empty?
She: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

He: So, wanna go back to my place?
She: I don't know. Can two people fit under a rock?

He: Your place or mine?
She: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

He: So what do you do for a living?
She: I'm a female impersonator.

He: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
She: Do Not Enter

He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
She: Unfertilized.

He: Hey, we're both here for the same reason.
She: Right, let's pick up some chicks.

He: I want to give myself to you.
She: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

He: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
She: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

He: I know how to please a woman.
She: Then please leave me alone.

He: I'd go to the end of the world for you.
She: Sure, but would you stay there?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 11, 2019, 04:24:23 AM


A group of friends who went deer hunting separated in to pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck.
"Where's Harry?", asked another hunter.
"He fainted a couple miles up the trail,"
Harry's partner answered. "You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?"
"It was a tough decision," said the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Harry."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 12, 2019, 03:45:01 AM


A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 13, 2019, 05:00:23 AM


A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"
The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"
"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"
"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."
The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"
The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."
The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"
The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."
The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."
"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."
"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.
"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."
"What did he say?"
The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 14, 2019, 05:17:14 AM


A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them: I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life," He then turns to the young man and asks, "can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 15, 2019, 05:19:14 AM


A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister.“I’m really concerned about this marriage,” the young man said.“Don’t you love her?” the pastor asked in surprise.“Of course,” the groom said. “But I have unbelievably smelly feet—and I’m afraid my fiancée won’t be able to stand them.”“Oh, is that all?” the pastor replied. “Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time.”The groom thought it over and decided it just might work.Meanwhile, the nervous bride had privately approached the minister’s wife. “I’m so worried,” she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day!”“Oh, dear,” the pastor’s wife replied,” everyone has bad breath in the morning. Don’t worry about it.”“No, you don’t understand,” the bride implored. “My morning breath is so awful, my fiancé won’t even want to be near me!”“Well, I have an idea,” the pastor’s wife said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until you’ve taken care of your breath.”The bride thought it over and decided it just might work.In time, a beautiful wedding was held and the bride and groom enjoyed the day without once worrying about their secret problems. For several months they managed to keep their issues to themselves. They one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed, afraid of what might happen if he didn’t find his sock soon. His bride woke with a start, and, without thinking, blurted out, “What in the world are you doing?”“Oh, dear!” the young man wailed. “You swallowed my sock!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 16, 2019, 04:33:20 AM


A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
"I guess it just leaves an impression."
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 16, 2019, 08:27:30 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 17, 2019, 05:10:52 AM


At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year- old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand  what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head."
Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play,it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a--hole', is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 18, 2019, 04:32:11 AM


President Clinton walks into a restaurant and is seated at one of the finest tables. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a short skirt and legs that won't quit comes to his table.

"What would you like, Mr. President?" Clinton looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, and answers, "A quickie."

The waitress stomps off in total disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again: "What would you like, Mr. President?" Again Clinton thoroughly checks her out and again answers: "A quickie, please." This time her anger takesover, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A Secret Service agent, sitting at the next table, leans over and whispers, "Um, Mr. President, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 19, 2019, 03:26:57 AM


Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 20, 2019, 03:41:46 AM


A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 21, 2019, 04:00:29 AM


A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautif ul view of the ocean.



10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 22, 2019, 04:41:08 AM


A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 22, 2019, 12:02:43 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 26, 2019, 05:13:51 AM


A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 29, 2019, 04:00:48 AM


A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir,I don't wish to intrude on your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself,then replied, "My wife's first husband."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 30, 2019, 03:19:47 AM


A women is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.
"This is the middle school calling about your son Johnny. He's been caught telling unbelievable lies."
"I'll say he has," the woman replies, "I don't have a son."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 30, 2019, 09:13:45 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 31, 2019, 03:33:33 AM


An old Italian Mafia 'Don' is dying and he calls his grandson into his bedroom.
'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.'
'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?'
'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple a bambinos.'
'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then ....... pointa to your watch and say 'Times up?'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 01, 2019, 03:46:13 AM


The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes", replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 02, 2019, 03:31:56 AM


A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 04, 2019, 03:39:56 AM


Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said; "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said; "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said; "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 05, 2019, 03:23:36 AM


A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn all over his body.

He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns on his legs.

He was starting to blister and in pain by the time the doctor arrived. To help, the doctor prescribed an IV with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The attending nurse was rather surprised by the prescription and asked, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 06, 2019, 03:40:51 AM


A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married.
Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one girl once. I guess she was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.
"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 06, 2019, 08:12:08 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Apr 06, 2019, 12:17:09 PM

An old Italian Mafia 'Don' is dying and he calls his grandson into his bedroom.
'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.'
'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?'
'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple a bambinos.'
'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then ....... pointa to your watch and say 'Times up?'

  This is pretty offensive ...   I grew up Italian and no one of my of my family ever talked like this...........
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 07, 2019, 05:25:56 AM
  This is pretty offensive ...   I grew up Italian and no one of my of my family ever talked like this...........
               Dom, I didn't mean to be offensive. I've posted blonde jokes and I'm blonde or was. If we can't laugh at ourselves who can we laugh at!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 07, 2019, 05:26:33 AM


A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says. he'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks.

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 07, 2019, 06:58:15 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Apr 07, 2019, 03:36:35 PM
               Dom, I didn't mean to be offensive. I've posted blonde jokes and I'm blonde or was. If we can't laugh at ourselves who can we laugh at!

  Just a joke Jeff.... ;)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Apr 07, 2019, 04:32:08 PM
Couple tree blinds get together?? 8) 8)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 08, 2019, 04:52:51 AM


It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side,he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again."Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,"it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 09, 2019, 04:05:15 AM
  Just a joke Jeff.... ;)
                  You got me!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 09, 2019, 04:05:42 AM


A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet, "when was the last time you had sex?"
with a long pause the vet replies."1955 i believe"
Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then ?"
Vet: Its only 20:15 right now?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 10, 2019, 03:47:22 AM


I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 11, 2019, 04:02:32 AM


A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said,"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."
The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming up," said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age,you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 12, 2019, 04:03:50 AM


A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet, "when was the last time you had sex?"
with a long pause the vet replies."1955 i believe"
Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then ?"
Vet: Its only 20:15 right now?



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 13, 2019, 04:07:39 AM


Wife: "What is difference between complete and finish?"
Husband: "When you met me, you were complete. When I met you, I was finished."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 13, 2019, 03:22:45 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 14, 2019, 04:44:45 AM


Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect lake camping and riding trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 15, 2019, 04:14:02 AM


Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm the chip monk."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 16, 2019, 04:45:55 AM


Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 17, 2019, 04:32:42 AM


Three blondes were having a picnic in the park. One of the took out a can of "one-calorie" diet cola and poured it equally into three cups.
She drank hers and the second one did the same but the third blonde just stared at her cup suspiciously.
"I wonder who got the calorie?" she asked.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 18, 2019, 04:11:44 AM


A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"

"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"

"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 19, 2019, 04:14:16 AM


A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked."Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 20, 2019, 05:20:18 AM


A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 21, 2019, 05:08:03 AM


"We have two test tubes here," said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. "They contain two carefully synthesized ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genetically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female ovum, while Solution B replicates the active ingredients in male spermatozoa.
If I mix them in this aseptic glass container a new human life will be conceived. Now any questions?"
"Could you possibly give us a demonstration?" asked an awed member of the audience.
"I'm sorry, not tonight," said the professor, "Solution A has a headache."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 22, 2019, 04:12:37 AM


An old doctor went way out to the boon-docks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said.
"He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 24, 2019, 04:39:22 AM


This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.."
The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 25, 2019, 04:11:06 AM


It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it."
He said, "Then why don't you drive it away".
Each of the women said "We can't drive".
The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?"
They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 26, 2019, 03:50:12 AM


An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing. Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs. When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, she goes back to her book.

Her husband, puzzled, asks, "What was that for?"

She replied, "That was for 50 years of bad sex."

They both go back to their books, and a few minutes later, the husband looks at his wife and whacks her across the head, he goes back to reading his book.

The wife, also puzzled asks him, "What was that for?"

Not looking up from his book the husband answers, "That is for knowing the difference.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 27, 2019, 04:34:11 AM


A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?"
Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk."
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"
Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."
Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 28, 2019, 05:05:38 AM


There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.
All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 30, 2019, 04:51:33 AM


Years ago someone in California hollered “Gold,” and people drove from all directions. That’s the way they still drive in California.

 IW
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 01, 2019, 05:22:18 AM


Kyle and Justin were about to eat with their babysitter when 6-year-old Kyle said, "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!"
"Daddy's not home," the babysitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today, I'm the boss."
Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you sit over there in Mommy's chai

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 02, 2019, 04:15:28 AM


A frustrated father told his work colleague: "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room he has a color TV, computer, game console, cell phone, iPad and DVD player."
"So what do you do?"
The father replied: "I send him to my room!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 03, 2019, 05:22:45 AM


There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 04, 2019, 04:13:12 AM


Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 04, 2019, 08:03:28 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 05, 2019, 04:30:28 AM


On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 05, 2019, 08:59:54 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 06, 2019, 04:14:17 AM


During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento
When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 07, 2019, 05:17:05 AM


A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 08, 2019, 04:02:44 AM


A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 09, 2019, 04:43:14 AM


A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex.
The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.

The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 10, 2019, 04:31:01 AM


One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,"...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said'Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 11, 2019, 04:05:42 AM


Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm the chip monk."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 12, 2019, 04:27:25 AM


A woman walks into a Ferrari dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams. She walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her. Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed, and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But as she turns back, there standing next to her is a handsome young salesman.
"Good day Madam, how may I help you?"
Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this fabulous vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, I'm afraid I can't say. If you farted just touching it, you're going to crap yourself when you hear the price."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 13, 2019, 03:46:33 AM


Henry's son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was.
"Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."
"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off."
"But that's just what I did, mommy."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 14, 2019, 05:17:02 AM


Jeff Dunham: Walter, your wife is a lovely woman.
Walter: Shes getting old.
Jeff Dunham: Well, you know, they say that women age like fine wine.
Walter: Shes aging like milk.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 15, 2019, 04:25:40 AM


Prior to taking retirement and selling off his land, a farmer needed to get rid of all the animals he owned, so he decided to call on every house in his village. At houses where the man was the boss, he gave a horse; at houses where the woman was the boss, he gave a chicken.
Approaching one cottage, he saw a couple gardening and called out, "Who's the boss around here?"
"I am," said the man.
The farmer said, "I have a black horse and a brown horse. Which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, get the brown one," said his wife.
The farmer said, "Here's your chicken."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 16, 2019, 04:41:11 AM


A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 17, 2019, 04:20:02 AM


Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex.That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 18, 2019, 04:04:03 AM


A bald man had a real hang-up about his lack of hair. He had tried all types of treatment, but without success. Then one day he passed a barber’s shop with a sign in the window that read: “Bald Men. Your Problems Solved Instantly. You Too Can Have a Head of Hair Like Mine For Five Hundred Dollars.”

And beneath the sign was a photo of the barber with his flowing mane of hair. So the bald man went into the shop and asked the bartender, “Can you guarantee that for $500 my hair will instantly look like yours?”

“Certainly,” said the barber. “It will take no more than a few seconds for us to look exactly alike.”

“Okay then,” said the bald man, handing over the money. “Let’s go for it.”

The barber took the money and shaved his own hair off.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 19, 2019, 04:36:52 AM


Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.

Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"

Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"

To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"

So the second old man rushed to the store.

The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'

"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.

"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.

Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 19, 2019, 09:04:40 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 20, 2019, 05:01:21 AM


A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 21, 2019, 04:49:05 AM


It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to graduate tonight."
Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, "Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!"

Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance. Bubba is told that he will be given a "One Question" math test and if he passes, he can graduate.

The question is, "What is 2 plus 3?" Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, "I have it! The answer is 5!"

There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, "Give Bubba one more chance. Give Bubba one more Chance!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 22, 2019, 05:09:06 AM


Little Johnny did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said, "Our cow was in heat, so I had to take her to the bull."
"Oh I see," said the teacher, "but I'm sure your father could have done that."
"No ma'am, he couldn't have," said Johnny, "it has to be the bull"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 23, 2019, 04:30:02 AM


A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 24, 2019, 04:23:21 AM


A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 25, 2019, 04:27:39 AM


Teacher: "You are the only one in the entire class who makes so many mistakes in the homework assignment."

Student: "That is not true, I am not the only one. My parents are involved in this as well!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 26, 2019, 04:54:26 AM


Little Johnny turns up late for school one day and his teacher asks why.
Little Johnny responds, "It's snowing heavily outside, so every time I took one step forward, I slipped two steps back."
"Well, how did you make it to school then?"
Little Johnny sighs, "I got fed up, so I turned to go home."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 27, 2019, 05:49:23 AM


Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park. They sit down on a bench to rest for awhile. Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby.
Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose. Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, "Whistle, to let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
To which Murphy replies, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 28, 2019, 04:33:34 AM


An old codger goes to visit his doctor about painful peeing. His wife goes with him because the poor old bloke is hard of hearing.

After an examination the Doctor says to the old man, "Right, I'll need you to leave a urine, semen and feces samples for analysis."

The old man didn't quite hear the Doctor and asks his wife, "What did the Doctor say?"

The wife replies, "He wants you to leave your underpants here, dear."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 29, 2019, 05:12:37 AM


An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pygmy standing beside a huge dead elephant. "Did you kill that?" he asked. The pygmy answered: "Yes". "How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?"
"I killed it with my club" replied the pygmy.
"That's amazing," said the explorer. "How big's your club?"
The pygmy replied: "There's about 150 of us"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Thomas26 on May 29, 2019, 08:32:39 AM
An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First, the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them, he asked:
"Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".

The granny answers:
"You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 30, 2019, 04:30:53 AM


Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were little?"
Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."

Son: "I thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: miriamguimel on May 31, 2019, 03:06:36 AM
Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Wooden shoe.
A: Wooden shoe, who?
Q: Wooden shoe like to know!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 31, 2019, 04:17:26 AM


A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200.

At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by.

The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass.

After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt, and completed it, thus winning the game and the money.

Afterwards, one of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen.

I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects."

"Well," said the golfer, "we were married for 25 years."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 01, 2019, 04:23:49 AM


There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married.
A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 02, 2019, 05:04:37 AM


When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher.
The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 02, 2019, 06:44:33 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 03, 2019, 04:18:26 AM


A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he shrieked.

"You lawyers are so materialistic it's amazing!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh no...." replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been.

"Where's my Rolex???"

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 04, 2019, 04:05:29 AM


I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:

"Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.

His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 05, 2019, 04:56:27 AM


Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.

The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"

The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."

The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"

The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."

Hearing this, the second one started crying.

The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"

Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 07, 2019, 03:57:04 AM


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 08, 2019, 03:52:45 AM


A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Yes, I am."
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him to come closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying, "I want you to know that that hurts!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 08, 2019, 06:52:43 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 09, 2019, 04:26:43 AM


There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.
When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass those f**king potatoes!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 10, 2019, 04:08:50 AM


An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered" Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said "That wont do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 11, 2019, 05:16:07 AM


Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 12, 2019, 03:57:11 AM


One night a lady with a black eye stumbled into a police station. She told the desk sergeant that she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the face and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a few minutes later, also with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same attacker?" his captain asked.
"No, sir," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 14, 2019, 03:00:17 AM


So I walked into a this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent. I said: So, are you two girls from Scotland?
One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"
So I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two Whales from Scotland?"
That's the last thing I remember.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 16, 2019, 03:05:29 AM


The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to piss anyone off."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 16, 2019, 07:15:33 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 17, 2019, 04:12:18 AM


A repeat offender was brought before the judge, who said, "Haven't I seen you in here several times before? And didn't I tell you I never wanted to see you in here again?"
The offender replied, "Yes, Your Honor, that's exactly what I told the officer, but he insisted I come anyway!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 19, 2019, 04:13:56 AM


A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 21, 2019, 02:20:43 AM


Little Johnny's father took him on a fishing trip to Canada.
On returning home after catching only three fish his father says, "The way I figure it each fish cost us $400!"
Little Johnny replied, "Well, at that price it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more of them than we did."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 22, 2019, 03:00:30 AM


Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day. Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read.
Donna asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?" The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word."
Donna then said, "I want the obituary to read - MIKE IS DEAD."
The under taker was an old fishing buddy of Mike's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered,

"I'll make you a special deal since I knew Mike so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket."
Donna's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read - MIKE IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 22, 2019, 04:20:25 PM
Haha   :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 23, 2019, 05:16:46 AM


A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, but his wife just sat watching him.

The young man felt sorry for them and asked "I'm sorry to intrude, but would you allow me to purchase another meal for your wife so that you don't have to split your food?"

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no, thank you. But you see, we've been married a long time, and everything has always been shared, 50/50."

The young man said, "Wow! That's commendable." He then turned to the wife and asked, "Aren't you going to eat your share?"

The wife replied "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 25, 2019, 03:27:06 AM


Boss to the new employee: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 26, 2019, 03:01:12 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 26, 2019, 03:59:21 AM


An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 28, 2019, 04:15:04 AM


I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 29, 2019, 03:59:26 AM


Farmer Gossman goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated."
The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's rear, and blow the pill up there."
Farmer Gossman comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.
The vet says, "What happened?"
Farmer Gossman says, "The horse farted first."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 30, 2019, 03:26:13 AM


John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.



'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do youremember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said,'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 30, 2019, 07:27:14 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 01, 2019, 03:37:01 AM


After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting.
Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?
The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders.The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.
The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.
The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.



The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.
The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.
He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"
The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 03, 2019, 03:56:32 AM


A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 03, 2019, 10:27:55 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 04, 2019, 03:24:03 AM


The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying:

"Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others.



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 05, 2019, 04:28:25 AM


A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 05, 2019, 12:14:28 PM
 :D/
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 06, 2019, 05:29:32 AM


There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?"
Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that.I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."
Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"
"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 06, 2019, 07:54:29 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 08, 2019, 04:21:36 AM


Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 10, 2019, 04:19:21 AM


A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 11, 2019, 03:32:03 AM


A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the world was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 12, 2019, 06:01:43 AM


A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.
“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.

Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” he thinks, “I'm a goner!”

Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for.”

When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”

The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 14, 2019, 07:03:33 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 15, 2019, 04:39:43 AM


3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to an orientation in Heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!'"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 17, 2019, 05:46:15 AM


A wife was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When she found a prominent gray hair in her bangs, she pointed to her forehead and asked her husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?"
"What?" he asked, "the wrinkles?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 19, 2019, 04:59:52 AM


When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first seven years are the hardest," she said.
"How long have you been married?" I asked.
"Seven years," she replied.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 20, 2019, 04:46:21 AM


A man enters a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 21, 2019, 01:10:51 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 22, 2019, 04:36:57 AM


What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and an angry spouse yelling on the back porch?
The dog quits barking once back inside.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 23, 2019, 05:07:18 AM


George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."
Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.
The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 24, 2019, 03:40:47 AM


During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 25, 2019, 05:14:25 AM


There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!
ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of crap!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 26, 2019, 03:30:03 AM


A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 27, 2019, 05:06:44 AM


I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to teach the students how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers."How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes?Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"
"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 29, 2019, 06:10:43 AM


A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.

Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank but he didn't have a bucket or can.

One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left.The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.

The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said: "Sisters, I don't think it will work, but you sure have faith!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 30, 2019, 03:57:28 AM


My boss told me to have a good day, so i went home.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 31, 2019, 04:17:24 AM


A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.
The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.
Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced.
"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 01, 2019, 04:06:09 AM


An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their Golden Wedding Anniversary.
"Let's have a big party, Homer," she suggested. "You'll need to kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 02, 2019, 03:44:28 AM


Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?
A: In case they have to draw blood.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 03, 2019, 05:58:28 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 05, 2019, 04:25:12 AM


I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 07, 2019, 04:33:31 AM


During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level

He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.' Inspired by the story, the doctor said, 'You must be one hell of an outdoors man!' 'NAH,' he replied, 'I'm just a lousy golfer.'


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 08, 2019, 04:45:08 AM


Two drunks went into a bar and had a few beers. One got up and went into the bathroom while the other remained at the bar talking to the bartender.
All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from the bathroom. The drunk at the bar said to the bartender that it sounded like his partner screaming, so he went into the toilet to investigate.
He went inside and asked his friend what the problem was. His friend said that every time he flushed the toilet something reached up and hit him on the bottom.
His friend shook his head and said, "You soft beggar, you're sitting on the mop bucket."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 09, 2019, 03:59:07 AM


Silly Collection 10

What do you call an American drawing?
Yankee doodle!

I was once in a play called "Breakfast in Bed"
Did you have a big role?
No just toast and marmalade!

What key went to college?
Yale!

What is a volcano?
A mountain with hiccups!

Why was the broom late?

It over slept!

What runs but never walks?
Water!

What is green, four legs and two trunks?
Two seasick tourists!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 10, 2019, 05:53:21 AM


My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank. The operator asked me what Ian's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his surname. When she asked for his department, I said I didn't know.
"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather curtly.
After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for her name.
"Danielle," she said.
"And your last name?" I asked.
"Sorry," she replied, "we don't give out last names."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 10, 2019, 07:30:12 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 12, 2019, 05:29:57 AM


A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.

Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.



The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 14, 2019, 04:32:23 AM


The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"
"A mongoose."

"What for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 15, 2019, 03:33:03 AM


A family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area."
The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car. Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 17, 2019, 06:53:48 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 20, 2019, 03:48:29 AM


A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 22, 2019, 03:27:13 AM


Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.
He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand, "Congratulations Harry! I just wanted to tell you I've been married for twenty two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.

"But sir", said Harry, a little bit confused, "I'm not getting married until tomorrow!"
"Yeah, I know," said his boss.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 24, 2019, 04:13:28 AM


A man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."



The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 25, 2019, 07:07:06 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 27, 2019, 03:53:28 AM


A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.
"Is the housewife in?" he asked. The servant replied: "Just a moment." The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.

Husband: Guess what? I am rich.

Wife: How?

Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.

Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed...I got REAL rich.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 28, 2019, 04:20:48 AM


A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days.

Replying with concern, the son asks "what's the matter mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?"



Mom replies, not that, "I didn't want to have my mouth full of food when you called."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 30, 2019, 03:53:56 AM


One shop owner asks another, "So, have you had any responses to your ad that you're looking for a night watchman?"
"Yeah, we got robbed last night."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 05, 2019, 04:58:46 AM


You Might Be A Redneck If 12

You might be a redneck if...
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 07, 2019, 04:22:24 AM


Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St.Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,"And just what do those Symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 08, 2019, 04:12:17 AM


He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth... back and forth... in and out....
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed...
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder...
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "Okay, Okay! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you bastard!!!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 09, 2019, 03:46:25 AM


Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"
He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."
She answered back, "It's supposed to!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 19, 2019, 04:15:16 AM


A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me,are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?"
"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?"
"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a Match."
'Match? Never heard of it."
"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants."
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam."
"Well, why not?"
"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I wanta fire."


Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 20, 2019, 03:24:55 AM


There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88, 88..."
A blonde came up to her and said, "That looks like fun, can I try?"
The brunette said, "Sure."
So the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88..."
"Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street."
So the blonde said, "OK." and stood in the middle of the street. "88, 88, 88, 88..."
BAM! She was run over by a car, completely flattened.
Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89..."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 21, 2019, 04:11:13 AM


A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants six girls for the evening. The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that there will be no charge. Very happy, he leaves.
A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that he would like six girls for the evening. In the morning the madam presents him with a bill for $1,000.
Confused the man asks, "I don't understand, on Tuesday it was free."
"That's right," replies the madam, "but on Tuesdays we're on cable."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 23, 2019, 03:43:01 AM


After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."
The bartender gave him the drink.

Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."

The bartender proceeds with the order.

The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."

The bartender gives him an Amstel.

Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."

The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.



All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"

He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 24, 2019, 04:05:18 AM


Little Johnny went with his mother for the first time to deliver lunches to the elderly.
Little Johnny kept starring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
He said, very softly, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 25, 2019, 04:00:40 AM


What do you call really big army ants? GI-ants.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 26, 2019, 04:40:45 AM


Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.
The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.
The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength … None in the forest dared to challenge him.
The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.
As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all... hawk, lion and stinker.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 30, 2019, 05:11:00 AM


Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?
Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 01, 2019, 03:32:52 AM


Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ah!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder...those are friars!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 02, 2019, 04:51:58 AM


A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."
Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."
The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way.
"Now, what was it she wanted?"
The clerk answered, "Snow."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 03, 2019, 03:22:26 AM


A woman calls her mother.
'My husband and I have been fighting so much lately. I am going to come live with you again.'
Her mother replies, 'No dear, he should pay for his mistakes. I am coming to live with you.'


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 04, 2019, 04:08:56 AM


An elderly couple was driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?”

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?”
The old man yells, “He says you were speeding!”

The patrolman says, “May I see your license?”
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, “What did he say?”
The old man yells, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
And the old man yells, “He said he knows you!”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 05, 2019, 05:05:09 AM


An 11 year old girl realized that she had started to grow hair between her legs. she got worried and asked her mummy about the hair.
Her mom calmly said, "That part where hair has grown is called a monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair."
Next morning at breakfast she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair."
Her sister smiled and said, "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 06, 2019, 04:12:01 AM


A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.
"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."
"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"


R
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 07, 2019, 03:51:45 AM


A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 09, 2019, 03:30:33 AM


How do you make a blonde a brunette?............. Turn her upside down
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 10, 2019, 04:39:00 AM


A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"



The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 11, 2019, 04:23:10 AM


A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam," she says. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..." He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything." His voice softens, "Anything?" "Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 12, 2019, 05:16:40 AM


The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 13, 2019, 05:37:29 AM


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 14, 2019, 04:47:14 AM


Ma & Pa were on the porch & Pa said, " You know, Ma, I'd sure like a big bowl of ice cream."

"OK, Pa", she said, as she shuffled off toward the kitchen.

"Write it down," he said, "...you'll forget"

"Oh, Pa, don't be silly"

"Write it down" he said, "cause I want some chocolate syrup on it.", he insisted.

"Ice cream..with chocolate syrup" she said, as she walked into the kitchen. 10, 15, 20 minutes passed and finally Ma came out & handed Pa a big bowl of oatmeal.



"See, Ma, what'd I tell you....you forgot the toast."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 16, 2019, 04:17:05 AM


Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.
Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.



The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.
Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."
Grandpa said "No, you keep it."
The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.
Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."
Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 17, 2019, 04:14:35 AM


A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 18, 2019, 03:35:33 AM


The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."
"Uh huh," said the old man.

"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 19, 2019, 04:11:09 AM


A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 20, 2019, 03:34:47 AM


A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 21, 2019, 05:06:14 AM


One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 22, 2019, 03:35:51 AM


While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 23, 2019, 03:32:21 AM


After Sunday mass, I wished aloud a blessed afternoon for our priest. "Enjoy your time with the angels!"
"Oh, no," he said. "I'm a Dodgers fan!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 24, 2019, 05:23:14 AM


The Judge said to the defendant, "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again?"
"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police but they wouldn't listen."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 25, 2019, 03:35:17 AM


A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but youll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, Thats exactly right. He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, youve owned him for 10 years. He goes, Thats incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep. And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 26, 2019, 04:18:20 AM


So many items are no longer made in America...
I just bought a new TV and the box said “built in antenna”...
I don’t even know where that is!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 27, 2019, 04:31:49 AM


A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 28, 2019, 04:24:16 AM



Working at the unemployment office has to be a tense job...
For if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 29, 2019, 04:56:47 AM


A fourth-grader came into the school office and told the secretary that she had missed her bus, Bus 6.
After checking schedules with the teacher on bus duty, the secretary confirmed that the girl did indeed miss her bus. "But don't worry," she told the child. "We'll call your mother."
"No, you won't," the girl calmly replied. "She's driving Bus 6."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 30, 2019, 05:00:29 AM


Claire, after retiring from a busy life in business, travels around the country visiting antique shops trying to find bargains.
One day she goes to an antique shop in Stratford Ct. Here, Claire speaks to Victoria, the shop's owner, "When I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied Victoria, "but I can't possibly sell you that."
"Oh, what a pity, but why not?" inquired Claire.
"Because," said the owner, "that's my husband."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 31, 2019, 03:19:38 AM


Ten Witch Jokes for Halloween

Q) Why do witches wear name tags?
A) So they will know which witch is which.

Q) What do you call two witches sharing an apartment?
A) Broom-mates

Q) What is a little witch's favorite subject in school?
A) Spell-ing

Q) How does a witch tell time?
A) She looks at her witch-watch.

Q) Why did the witch give up fortune telling?
A) Because there was no future in it.

Q) What is the difference between a witch and the letters "M, A, K, E, S?"
A) One makes spells and the other spells "makes."

Q) What did the witch serve her friends who dropped in at dinner time?
A) Potluck

Q) How do you make a witch itch?
A) Take away the "w."

Q) Why is a witch's face like a million dollars?
A) It's green and wrinkly.

Q) What do witches use on their hair?
A) Scare spray.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 01, 2019, 05:35:32 AM


Two men staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely drunk mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "We'll have two beers," one of them slurred to the bartender.
"What about him?" asked the barkeep, pointing to the unconscious chap.
"No more for him - he's driving," his pal replied.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 03, 2019, 02:08:54 AM


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 04, 2019, 03:46:50 AM


One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.



At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 05, 2019, 03:48:42 AM


Ten-year-old Tommy greeted his sister's boy friend very enthusiastically, "That harmonica you gave me for my birthday is easily the best present I have ever had!"
"I'm glad you liked it," the boyfriend replies.
"Oh yeah! Mother gives me a quarter a day not to play it!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 06, 2019, 03:38:46 AM


"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked June's best friend.
"Why shouldn't I?" said June.
"Well, maybe he is having an affair?"
"No way," said June, "he never returns with any fish..."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 07, 2019, 03:37:38 AM


Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number."What kind of car was he driving?" he asked.
"I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."
At that, Jim decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.
It worked. About a week later she bounded in with a pleased  expression on her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 08, 2019, 05:00:23 AM


A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The doctor asks, "So what seems to be the problem?"

The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason at all. It's starting to scare me."
The Doctor tells her, "I think I have just the cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish, and swish, but don't swallow it until he leaves the room or decides to go to bed."

Two weeks later, the woman returns, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started to lose it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?!"
The Doctor informs her, "The water itself does nothing. It's having to keep your mouth shut that does the trick."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 09, 2019, 04:09:06 AM


A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.

"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 10, 2019, 04:35:29 AM


A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 12, 2019, 04:00:19 AM


For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 13, 2019, 02:53:24 AM


A kid asks his dad, "What's a man?" The dad says, "A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family." The kid says, "I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 14, 2019, 04:09:28 AM


Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 15, 2019, 04:18:15 AM


Richard a village doctor was awakened at 4 a.m. to make a house call. He reluctantly got dressed and braved a snowstorm. After the examination, he told the patient to send immediately for his lawyer and relatives and friends and make a will.
When he got home and told his wife asked of what he had seen and done. His wife asked, "Was the patient really that bad?"
Richard said, "No, I just didn't want to be the only idiot called out on a night like this."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 16, 2019, 04:03:09 AM


A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.


"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 17, 2019, 03:04:38 AM


Two prison inmates were standing in the cafeteria line getting lunch...
One inmate said to the other inmate, "When I was governor, the food was much better!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 18, 2019, 03:43:43 AM


One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted-living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself.
"Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 19, 2019, 04:46:37 AM


A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.

Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 22, 2019, 03:44:15 AM


A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 24, 2019, 04:31:10 AM


A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 26, 2019, 04:26:16 AM


A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son. Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound & your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... it's called golf."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 27, 2019, 03:29:38 AM


A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound Of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is$2.50."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 28, 2019, 03:16:06 AM


Baby Bruno was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
"What are you doing?" Bruno asked.
"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey", his grandmother replied.
"That's cool!" Bruno said.
"Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 03, 2019, 04:04:44 AM


“I spent five dollars for a weather app on my phone. I got two dollars and fifteen cents back in 'climate change'.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 04, 2019, 04:56:58 AM


Mikey: "I ate a submarine sandwich for lunch and I think I'm going to be sick. "Mother: "What makes you say that? "Mikey: "It's starting to surface."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 05, 2019, 03:02:38 AM


A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him.The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 06, 2019, 03:11:48 AM


An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question. But, he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer. So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees." After a brief explanation, the little girl appears wide-eyed in disbelief. "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" the father asks. The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell  you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 08, 2019, 03:02:08 AM


A man was walking down a street in Washington. A man walking behind him suddenly pulled out a gun and said, "Gimme all your money, now!" The victim said, "You can't do this to me! I'm a Congressman!" The robber thought for a moment, then said, "In that case, gimme all of MY money!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 09, 2019, 04:23:26 AM


A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain’t horny, I’m homesick."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 10, 2019, 04:47:38 AM


A man goes to see his bank manager one day and says: "I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?""That's simple," replies the bank manager. "All you have to do is buy a big one and wait."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 11, 2019, 04:26:53 AM


A heavily bandaged man was sitting up in bed at the hospital when his friend came to visit. "What happened to you?" the friend asked. "Well, we went to the amusement park and decided to ride the roller coaster. As we came to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I went around again, but we went by so quickly that I still couldn't see what the sign said. By now I was determined, so I went around a third time. As we reached the top I stood up in the car to get a better view." "And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked his friend. "Yeah... The sign said 'Remain seated at all times!'"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 12, 2019, 04:34:07 AM


Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? ""Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 13, 2019, 03:36:02 AM


There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle.He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! So what is the moral of this story?????............................ You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 14, 2019, 04:35:30 AM


After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00."That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00."That's still quite a bit," Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. " What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap." The clerk handed him a mirror.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 15, 2019, 04:37:47 AM

A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin. The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath." The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So, he decides to ask a minister. The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given him. Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath. Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others are convinced that sex is work?" The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 16, 2019, 05:00:34 AM


The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?" He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 17, 2019, 02:46:19 AM


One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"" Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear." A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"" Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear." A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?" Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?""Because I'm freezing to death out here!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 18, 2019, 03:28:19 AM


Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"" Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk." That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 22, 2019, 04:02:14 AM


A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." " What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" " That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase...in time." " Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 25, 2019, 04:00:10 AM


I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. "Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that? "He replied, "They're all nocturnal."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 28, 2019, 03:50:30 AM


Q: Why was Adam a famous runner?

 A: Because he was first in the human race.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 30, 2019, 04:54:23 AM


 Bubba: "Why do you call your pet fawn 'Ninety-Nine Cents'?" Lonnie: "Because it’s not old enough to be a buck."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 31, 2019, 04:43:45 AM


Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman." Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms really *really* hard." So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground two stories below. Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What the heck happened?!?"Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 01, 2020, 04:26:51 AM


A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 03, 2020, 04:01:13 AM


Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Michael's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." Michael's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......", then the electric power goes out. Michael's wife is very upset and, with a worried look on her face, she says, "Honey, I don' know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?" With the love and understanding in Michael's voice, like all the men who are married to blondes exhibit, Michael says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time. #joke #blond

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 04, 2020, 04:23:30 AM


A trusted aid was counseling the senator, "Some of your constituents are beginning to disagree with you. "The senator replied, "Keep tabs on them. When enough disagree with me to constitute a reliable majority, I'll turn around and agree with them."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 05, 2020, 04:13:08 AM


A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 06, 2020, 05:08:05 AM

Another new Illness to watch out for ... A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "So, what's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "And what the hell is anal glaucoma?" "I just can't see my butt coming into work today."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 08, 2020, 03:53:14 AM


When a woman wears leather clothing A man's heart beats quicker His throat gets dry He goes week in the knees And he begins to think irrationally Ever wonder why? Because she smells like a new truck!!!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 09, 2020, 04:25:14 AM


A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist. "The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands. "One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist. "The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?""Didn't feel a thing!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 11, 2020, 04:12:57 AM

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute! "Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute. "She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'? "His reply was: "The drugs are wearing off!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 13, 2020, 03:34:03 AM


There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope. "As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite! "The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 15, 2020, 03:42:43 AM


A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out. "The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 17, 2020, 04:49:16 AM


 I went to my doctor complaining of aches and pains all over my body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gave me a clean bill of health. “You’re in excellent shape for a 72-year-old man,” he said. “But I’m afraid I can’t make you any younger. ”“Who asked you to make me younger?” the I replied. “You just make sure I keep getting older!”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 18, 2020, 03:00:44 AM


My wife always prefers the elevator, whereas I always like to take the stairs...I guess we are raised differently.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 19, 2020, 05:11:34 AM


Q: what is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A: Trying to hold onto a thought.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 20, 2020, 04:46:43 AM


Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, 'I'm fine', at the scene of the accident?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for a long, drawn-out story," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!" Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side." He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, he came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 21, 2020, 04:04:55 AM

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early! "Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there."Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us! "So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude? "Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running. "Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm? "Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home. "Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run? "Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 25, 2020, 03:57:04 AM


A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a Catholic church that was known for its rather “uppity” social reputation. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help. The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church. ”The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and he might get a different answer. The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door. “Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him. “Yes, I did,” said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, but the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 26, 2020, 03:54:27 AM


A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Bexfield diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it." "What's the curse?" the man asked."Mr. Bexfield."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 27, 2020, 03:35:09 AM


The sheriff of the small town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!" The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 28, 2020, 03:27:51 AM


A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning. "After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 31, 2020, 04:59:31 AM


Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 01, 2020, 03:39:32 AM


A woman met her husband at the train station after work for the ride home. He looked haggard, so she asked, "Rough day?" "You bet it was," he groaned. "Our computers were down, and we had to think all day long."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 02, 2020, 03:33:52 AM


A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!'' ''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. 'Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.'' ''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 06, 2020, 03:55:26 AM


The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions."Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?" "Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 07, 2020, 04:39:18 AM


A driver tucked a note under the windshield wiper of his automobile saying, "I've circled this block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park in this no-parking zone I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." When he came back, he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled this block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." #joke

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 08, 2020, 04:07:53 AM


A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?" Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's office. While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Little Johnny: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Little Johnny: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Little Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Little Johnny, after a moment, "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Little Johnny replied, "Pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Little Johnny: "Pants" Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Little Johnny: Coconut The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Little Johnny was taking charge. Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? Little Johnny: Bubblegum Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Little Johnny: Shake hands Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Little Johnny: Yep. Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Little Johnny: Tent Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. Principal was looking restless and bit tense. Little Johnny: Wedding Ring Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Little Johnny: Nose Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Little Johnny: Arrow Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement? Little Johnny: Firetruck The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Little Johnny in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 09, 2020, 04:07:49 AM


An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station. The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA. Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!"Officer says "yes" .Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 10, 2020, 03:13:53 AM

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke? "In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. "Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? "The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 11, 2020, 05:13:08 AM


A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago " The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way." Now, what was it she wanted?" The clerk answered, "Snow."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 13, 2020, 03:32:27 AM


A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter. "Welcome!" he says. "Because we are currently operating at 99%capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance." "Okay," says the blonde. "Here's your question: name two days of the week that begin with the letter T." "That's easy. Today and tomorrow!" "Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?" "That's easy. Twelve!" "Twelve?" "January second, February second, March second--" "Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Okay, one more chance. What's God's name?" "That's easy. Howard!" "Howard?" "You know -- 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 18, 2020, 04:43:17 AM


The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock?" - all the men stood up. "No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" - all the women stood up. "No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." - half the women stood up. "No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" - all the nuns stood up.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: joe snag on Feb 18, 2020, 07:25:53 PM
I'm back--old PC shltthebed
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 19, 2020, 04:49:00 AM


Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on Feb 19, 2020, 06:01:46 AM
Welcome back...h2l
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 20, 2020, 03:41:14 AM


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of -first, the truck, the car, playing golf 'Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway. 'The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 23, 2020, 05:19:11 AM


While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. “Just a minute,” I said, thinking of a quick solution. “I'’ll put down newspapers.”“ That’'s all right, lady,” he responded. “I’'m already trained.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 24, 2020, 03:32:48 AM


On New Year's Eve, Ann stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 24, 2020, 06:03:57 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 24, 2020, 06:15:51 AM
Haha   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 25, 2020, 04:17:35 AM


Parents are expected to participate in their children’'s education, and my friends were no exception. They gladly help their fifth-grade son, John, whenever he’'s stumped. One day after school, John ran into the house waving a paper in the air. “Hey, Mom, great news! There were only three mistakes on my math homework,” he announced. “You made one, Dad made one and I made one!”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 25, 2020, 07:13:25 PM
Hehe nothing wrong with getting one wrong.  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 25, 2020, 07:50:50 PM
What can strike a blonde with out her even knowing it         

A thought     
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 27, 2020, 05:01:23 AM


The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like, is to sing my favorite song, the whole thing, with no interruptions. "The guard nodded and told him to go ahead. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 28, 2020, 03:23:44 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 28, 2020, 04:27:50 AM


A visitor from Buffalo was strolling along the California surf one morning. During his walk he came upon a fellow, fishing pole clutched in his hands, sound asleep against the side of a huge coastal rock. Just then the pole began to jerk violently. "Hey, there!" cried the visitor as he roused the fisherman. "Look out there! You have a bite." "So I do," yawned the drowsy one glancing out at the water. "If you don't mind, will you pull in the line for me?" The visitor, somewhat surprised, did as he was requested. "Now, mister," continued the fisherman, "put some fresh bait on the hook and cast the line out for me." Again the visitor complied. After doing so he turned to the lazy angler. "You know," he declared, "anyone as lazy as you ought to get married and have a son to do these things for him." "That's a good idea," beamed the fisherman. "Know where I could find a pregnant woman?"

IW
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 29, 2020, 01:20:14 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 01, 2020, 05:31:31 AM


Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.... When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset."You're running around with other women," she told her mate. "Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth. "The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 01, 2020, 07:44:07 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 04, 2020, 02:51:58 AM


A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today. "HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear. "HIM "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news."HER "Well, the air bag works."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 05, 2020, 04:58:05 AM


First Mouse: I finally got that scientist trained. Second Mouse: How so? First Mouse: Every time I go through the maze and ring the bell, he gives me something to eat.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 06, 2020, 03:52:53 AM


Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:1. Back Straight, Knees Bent, Feet Shoulder Width Apart. 2. Form A Loose Grip. 3. Keep Your Head Down! 4. Avoid A Quick Back Swing. 5. Stay Out Of The Water. 6. Try Not To Hit Anyone. 7. If You Are Taking Too Long, Let Others Go Ahead Of You. 8. Don't Stand Directly In Front Of Others. 9. Quiet Please...While Others Are Preparing. 10. Don't Take Extra Strokes. Well Done. Now, Flush The Urinal, Go Outside, And Tee Off.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 07, 2020, 04:28:11 AM


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself... "Well this changes everything!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 07, 2020, 07:40:31 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 08, 2020, 03:28:15 AM


John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!" For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!" Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLD WATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 08, 2020, 07:20:00 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 09, 2020, 02:53:02 AM


Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. 'I got a cookbook once,' said one, 'but I could never do anything with it. ''Too much fancy work in it, eh?' asked the other. 'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -- 'Take a clean dish...''
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 09, 2020, 10:20:05 PM
  :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 12, 2020, 04:05:36 AM
What do you call an alligator in a vest                                                                 A investigator.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 26, 2020, 04:11:58 AM

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 27, 2020, 03:59:26 AM


This young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their young son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 28, 2020, 04:31:59 AM


A guy decides to take off work early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 a.m. By then, he is extremely drunk.

When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.



Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke, carving up his rear end terribly. But he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and, sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed.



The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was lying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh!" she replied. "You were plastered last night, and you know it! Where'd you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 29, 2020, 03:55:11 AM


In my Sunday school class the focus was marriage or divorce, "The rapidly increasing divorce rate," remarked one member of the group, "indicates that America is indeed becoming the land of the free."
"Yes," replied the prosaic friend, "but the continued marriage rate suggests that America is still the home of the brave."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 29, 2020, 04:52:16 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 31, 2020, 03:43:57 AM


A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After awhile a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?"

"How dare you!" said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"

"Well, then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 31, 2020, 08:13:06 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 01, 2020, 03:36:16 AM


Due to the quarantine...
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 01, 2020, 03:39:31 AM


A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup.

Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 01, 2020, 04:13:04 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 01, 2020, 05:09:18 AM
A man runs to the doctor , say's you got to help me ,
my wife thinks she is a chicken , the doctor asked
How long has she had this condition ?
Two years say's the man
Then way did it take you so long to come and see me
Asked the shrink
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies
We needed the egg's
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 02, 2020, 04:21:21 AM
 



       ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 02, 2020, 04:21:56 AM


Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one. This one right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 03, 2020, 04:53:31 AM


Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 03, 2020, 06:24:21 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 04, 2020, 04:35:42 AM


Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance....

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and A diet coke...

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens To the counters...

Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then Have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America... do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures...

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 04, 2020, 07:26:10 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 05, 2020, 04:20:32 AM


Two guys were doing construction on a house. One of them who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over his shoulder or nail it into the siding.

The other guy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first guy explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed towards me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding."

The second guy was outraged. He yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed towards you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 06, 2020, 03:53:21 AM


A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat.

"I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled.

Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down, he swung again and missed. "Strike two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again, he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 07, 2020, 04:48:45 AM


Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. "Cash, check or charge?" she asked, after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As Jennifer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote with you?" the cashier inquired.

"No," she replied. "But my husband, Jeff, refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 07, 2020, 07:31:36 PM
 ;D x
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 08, 2020, 04:41:33 AM


Redneck computer terms
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 09, 2020, 04:55:18 AM


The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance,buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 09, 2020, 06:41:30 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 10, 2020, 07:50:04 AM


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 11, 2020, 04:10:26 AM


A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked."Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 12, 2020, 03:38:33 AM


When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your bum?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 12, 2020, 03:42:52 AM

Self isolation is getting so bad I’m starting to get a crush on my roommate...
And we’ve been married for more than 20 years.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 12, 2020, 10:18:47 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 13, 2020, 03:48:40 AM


I'm sitting in a cafeteria next to a woman who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news. Then, turning to me, she asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 13, 2020, 07:16:10 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 14, 2020, 03:31:57 AM


In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The mans brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 15, 2020, 03:39:58 AM


While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-painted sign that read, "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. CAUTION: Do not step on exhaust."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 16, 2020, 03:18:27 AM


A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 17, 2020, 03:49:51 AM


The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible.
"Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."
"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?"
"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."
"I see," chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged?"
"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 17, 2020, 04:48:58 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 18, 2020, 03:51:54 AM


A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.
"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."
"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."
"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain? Why on earth is that?"
"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we would have to kill?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 18, 2020, 04:02:53 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 19, 2020, 03:29:20 AM


A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.

"I'm shocked!" she complained.

"This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 20, 2020, 04:00:42 AM


A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway.. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have,' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'Yes, she has,' says the man.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting granite counter tops.'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 20, 2020, 11:53:18 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 21, 2020, 04:36:35 AM


There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy who worked construction together. They were working on top of a building one day, and it was lunch time. The Irish man opens his lunch pail and he sees he has cabbage and beef, and he says, 'If I get one more beef and cabbage for lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building!'
Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says, 'if I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building!'
The blond man opens his lunch pail and gets a bologna sandwich. He says, 'if I get one more bologna sandwich I'm gonna jump off of this building!'
The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabbage and beef so he jumps off the building to his death.
Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death.
Then the blond guy opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich, so he jumps off to his death as well.
The next day at their funeral the Irish man's wife said, 'If I only knew he was sick of cabbage and beef I would have packed him something else.'
Then the Mexican's wife then said, ''If I only knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else.''
Finally, the blond man's wife said, 'I don't know what his problem was! He packed his own lunch!''

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 22, 2020, 04:15:03 AM


A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 22, 2020, 07:40:21 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 23, 2020, 04:50:51 AM


Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of hungry wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it, or should we stay here for a few days and out number them?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 24, 2020, 05:16:02 AM


An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"
"I'd have to say the living one."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 25, 2020, 03:53:01 AM


It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it."
He said, "Then why don't you drive it away".
Each of the women said "We can't drive".
The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?"
They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 26, 2020, 04:29:21 AM


A young couple had been married for a couple of months, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some love making,and he said, "You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied he never had.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 27, 2020, 04:10:48 AM


Shaky went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shaky.
Six months later the doctor met Shaky on the street. "Why didn't you ever
come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 28, 2020, 05:23:55 AM


An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
To which the witness replied meekly, "My sister did."


IW
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 29, 2020, 04:45:31 AM


As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 30, 2020, 04:34:38 AM


One night a man stumbled into the police station with a black eye. He claimed he had heard a noise in his back yard and went to investigate. The next he knew, he was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to his house to investigate, and he returned 1 1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 01, 2020, 03:06:29 AM


A little child was in church for the first time and watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster said in a little voice loud enough for everyone to hear:

"Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 02, 2020, 04:08:49 AM


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 03, 2020, 04:03:35 AM


There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 04, 2020, 03:46:23 AM


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, The Double Mint Twins are coming and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, William’s Big Stick Did the Trick, and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident, I just lost it.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 05, 2020, 04:41:44 AM


When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 06, 2020, 04:03:18 AM


Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.

"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.

"Yes," replies her daughter.

"Do you still have any questions?"

"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

"In exactly the same way as with babies."

"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"


  IW
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 12, 2020, 05:23:34 AM


Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."



"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: hunts2long on May 12, 2020, 06:47:58 AM
Welcome back....h2l
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 14, 2020, 03:53:04 AM


As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"


"Just snow," replied the stewardess.


"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 15, 2020, 05:32:28 AM


A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing in front of her. An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump fuel into it.
The woman noticed the letters "U.F.O." printed on the side of the ship.
She turned to the alien and asked, "Does U.F.O. stand for Unidentified Flying Object?"
The alien answered, "No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 16, 2020, 03:22:51 AM


A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said, "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up.

 IW
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 17, 2020, 04:25:07 AM

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year olddaughter:
Mother: 'What does the cow say?'

Child: 'Moooo!'
Mother: 'Great! What does the cat say?'

Child: 'Meow.'
Mother: 'Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?'

And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, 'Bud.'.......Wiser


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 18, 2020, 03:47:34 AM


An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you!" he said. "I've been lost for three days."

"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 20, 2020, 04:41:39 AM


Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 21, 2020, 04:57:40 AM


A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant.
'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 22, 2020, 05:32:20 AM


A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Native American.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the man replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 23, 2020, 04:13:52 AM


A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.



As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 24, 2020, 04:15:21 AM


A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 25, 2020, 04:17:21 AM


Manny is almost 29 years old. His friends have already gotten married, but Manny still just dates and dates.

Finally, a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"



"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So, Manny, did you find that perfect girl yet--one that's just like your Mother?"



Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like Mom. And my mother loved her, and they became fast friends."

So should I congratulate you? "Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 26, 2020, 04:11:21 AM


Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover's Lane.
He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching.

"Awwwww Hell !" he murmured, "Fuzz !"

"What did ya expect ?" Phoebe sez, "A perm?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 27, 2020, 04:14:21 AM


Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody' down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you as soon as I can."
So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.

When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?"

St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth."

Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?"

St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery."

Hillary asks, "Well, is my husband's clock on the wall?"

St. Peter replies, "Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 01, 2020, 06:36:57 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 24, 2020, 04:32:14 AM


The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 02, 2020, 03:42:39 AM


A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."


 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 03, 2020, 04:05:23 AM


A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 03, 2020, 07:40:36 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 04, 2020, 03:57:09 AM


A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 05, 2020, 03:59:12 AM


Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am"?
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; your eyes, 16 and your figure, 25."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying, "Whoa, hold on there sweetie! I haven't added them up yet!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 06, 2020, 03:36:38 AM


Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?"

inquired the first fellow.

"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 07, 2020, 02:56:31 AM


Two Viagra pills walked into a bar. They sat down next to two marijuana plants who were engrossed in an animated discussion.
"I don't get it," one marijuana plant said to the other, "Why aren't we legal? Nobody's being hurt by us."

One of the Viagra pills scoffed at them.
The marijuana plant turned to him and asked, "What's your problem, don't you think we should be legal?"

"No", the Viagra pill replied. "We're hard-on drugs."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 16, 2020, 04:48:32 AM


A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 17, 2020, 05:07:30 AM


Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.
He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said, "I've been thinking. There's no reason we can't go for a month." So Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of sea sick pills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, "You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask.
"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 18, 2020, 05:26:10 AM


"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 19, 2020, 05:42:47 AM


A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 20, 2020, 04:38:07 AM


The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 21, 2020, 03:45:52 AM


Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 22, 2020, 04:54:32 AM


A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.

He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so.

He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 23, 2020, 04:00:07 AM


A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

So she decided to be considerate and not rouse him this time. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom, only to find him sitting up in bed, reading.

"Oh No!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose EVERYTHING?!?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 24, 2020, 04:02:47 AM


A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower he said, "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 25, 2020, 04:03:21 AM


When a woman wears leather clothing
A man's heart beats quicker
His throat gets dry
He goes weak in the knees
and he begins to think irrationally
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new truck!!!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 27, 2020, 04:50:47 AM


In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. The undertaker, true to his word, instructed his men to inscribe on the tombstone what the lady had requested. The men went to carve it, but as they were lazy and it was close to quitting time, they decided the inscription was unnecessarily long. So they simply carved:
"Returned unopened."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 28, 2020, 04:40:01 AM


At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'
The woman wrote: "When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Sam and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical sex with one another."
And Sam wrote: "I love sex."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 29, 2020, 04:04:02 AM


Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! "

"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 30, 2020, 04:53:50 AM


Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 02, 2020, 04:15:34 AM


A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 04, 2020, 05:04:47 AM


A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase...in time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 05, 2020, 04:53:43 AM


In Albany a business man was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the the Warton school of finance and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 06, 2020, 04:42:14 AM


Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun goes into the confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned I touched a man's private parts.
The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"

The nun replies, "My right hand."

The priest tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 hail Mary's and all will be forgiven.

The second nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned I touched a mans private parts."



The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"

The nun replies, "My left hand." The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the holy water say 10 hail Mary's and all will be forgiven.

Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, "Would you mind if I went first?"

The third nun says, "Sure I don't care, but would mind telling me why?"

The fourth nun replies, "Well, I would like to drink the water before you have to sit in it!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 07, 2020, 04:56:03 AM


"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 08, 2020, 03:56:28 AM


A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 09, 2020, 04:07:00 AM


Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest.

Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 10, 2020, 03:49:05 AM


A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior, chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."



"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that's hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about a foot from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the putt, didn't you?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 11, 2020, 03:07:06 AM


While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, This is for washing our hair.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
The curlers are on me.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 12, 2020, 04:58:56 AM


A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.
To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no.
"Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no.
"Twice a week?"
"No."
"Twice a month?"
"No."
The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year."
The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What are you so happy about?"
The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 13, 2020, 04:51:40 AM


A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang, so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer it.

"It's the Minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she said to him, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 14, 2020, 04:27:02 AM


When Chelsea Clinton was eight, Hillary was reading one of her favorite fairy tales.

"Mommy," asked Chelsea, "Do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?""

"No, dearest," replied Hillary, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight...'"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 15, 2020, 04:18:53 AM


One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What  animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 15, 2020, 01:52:07 PM
  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 16, 2020, 03:33:11 AM


A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she look back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again!

Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public in my whole life!" Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it one more time."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 17, 2020, 04:24:17 AM


One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"
Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.
"She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz  drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck! "
"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 18, 2020, 03:59:36 AM


At their granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be the brides grandparents. The DJ asked them, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"
The grandmother said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at the grandfather. He said, "She's probably right."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 19, 2020, 04:44:04 AM


A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 20, 2020, 04:28:28 AM


A wild-eyed man, dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat, entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."

"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch, and tell me your problem."

"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power--everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."

"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"

"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 21, 2020, 04:53:17 AM


Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 22, 2020, 03:28:55 AM


While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 23, 2020, 03:25:50 AM


A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 25, 2020, 05:30:35 AM


A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but you'll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, That's exactly right. He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, you've owned him for 10 years. He goes, That's incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep. And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 26, 2020, 03:10:15 AM


Two friends, Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul's hand. Without looking down, Paul whispers, "What is this?"

Jim replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 27, 2020, 04:24:59 AM


A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man," Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
 "Naw" said the redneck "I ain't got no license These are my Pet Fish."
" Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let" em swim" round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take" em home."
" That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said," It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."
" O. K.." , said the warden." I've got to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says," Well?"
" Well, what?" , says the redneck.
The warden says," When are you going to call them back?"
" Call who back?"
"The FISH" , replied the warden!
" What fish?" , replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 28, 2020, 03:10:36 AM


I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 29, 2020, 05:22:25 AM


A couple of young children are at day care one day when one of the little girls approaches Tommy and says, "Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?"

"Sure! What do you want me to do?" he asks.

The little girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" questions a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means..."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 30, 2020, 03:55:38 AM


In the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface.

"Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man."

At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. Using an emissions detector, they followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater.

"Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut.

"I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 31, 2020, 04:47:13 AM


Happy Halloween


Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria.

Q: What part of the street do vampires live on?
A: The dead end.

Q: What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin-pi!

Q: What can you say about a horrible mummy joke?
A: It Sphinx!

Q: What do you call a vampire that lives in a kitchen?
A: Count Spatula.

Q: What do ghosts wear when their eyesight gets blurred?
A: Spooktacles

Q: What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires?
A: Fangs-giving!

Q: What’s a zombie’s favorite cereal?
A: Rice Creepies.

Q: Where do ghosts go on holidays?
A: The Boohamas.

Q: What did one ghost say to the other?
A: Get a life!

Q: What did the fisherman say on Halloween?
A: Trick or trout. How do ghosts search the

Q: Web?
A: They use ghoul-gle.

Q: What goes around a haunted house and never stops?
A: A fence.

Q: Who do monsters buy cookies from?
A: Ghoul scouts.

Q: Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story?
A: Because there are so many plots there!

Q: Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
A: Because they just had their brains scooped out!

Q: Where is the best place to party on Halloween?
A: The g-RAVE-yard.

Q: Why did the baby wrap itself in white cloth strips?
A: It was just trying to be just like its mummy.

Q: Why do ghosts like to hang out at bars?
A: Because all of the Boos.

Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 01, 2020, 02:59:30 AM


An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying outlate."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 02, 2020, 03:30:57 AM


Government Job
A guy goes to an interview for a job as a government accountant.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my genitals so they declared me disabled... but it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in tomorrow about 10, and we'll get you started."
The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
"Well, here in the government offices, we don't do anything but sit round and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point your coming in for that."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 03, 2020, 05:07:38 AM


A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.
"You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."

"All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $700 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $600 a week plus room and board."
"Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.
"Yeah," the farmer said. "This guy is none too bright. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."

"Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that man!"
"Speaking," said the farmer.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 04, 2020, 04:30:10 AM


Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said.

"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."

Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.

The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.

You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.

Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions.

He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?"

Joan replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage today."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 15, 2020, 04:24:11 AM

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 16, 2020, 04:31:21 AM


A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their lovemaking.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't stop.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try."
That didn't work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."
Still no success.
Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I gotta see!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 17, 2020, 04:25:14 AM


An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 18, 2020, 03:40:55 AM


Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

She responded simply, "E.F."

He repeated, "F.F."

She again replied, "E.F."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 19, 2020, 03:54:17 AM


It was a disastrous year for the farmers. The snow fell and fell until the government relief agency had to step in and lend a hand.
"It must have been terrible," said the government man to a farmer. "All that snow."
"Could have been worse," calmly answered the farmer. "My neighbor had more snow than me."
"How's that?" asked the government man.
"More land," replied the farmer.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 20, 2020, 03:53:26 AM


Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.
The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke, but the third old lady can't reach that far.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 21, 2020, 09:34:58 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 22, 2020, 03:18:08 AM


A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked fabulous, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Whoever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 23, 2020, 03:32:00 AM


A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...
 "You just happened to catch my eye

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 24, 2020, 02:36:48 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 24, 2020, 04:25:27 AM


Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Fuck!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 25, 2020, 05:02:24 AM


There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.
The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of sh*t.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 26, 2020, 03:27:54 AM


Q: What happens when you're too harsh on cranberries and make them sad?
A: They turn into blueberries.

Q: What's the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was Thanksgiving Day and he wanted people to think he was a chicken!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 27, 2020, 03:54:39 AM


It was enough to startle the little old lady out of her roots. There was the fish market person tossing trout clear across his shop to a man in fisherman uniform.
The fishermen caught six fish and then said: "All right Joe. Now I can truthfully tell my wife I caught six fish today."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 29, 2020, 06:42:29 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 01, 2020, 03:38:37 AM


A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"
The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.
"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 02, 2020, 03:42:55 AM


Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 03, 2020, 03:42:48 AM


One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge. He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened. The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"
"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 03, 2020, 05:32:01 AM
 ;D loo
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 03, 2020, 05:40:06 AM
 ;D loo
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 04, 2020, 04:16:47 AM

With the Covid 19 cases rising our governor has issued a mandate that the
 seven dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of 6...
One of them isn’t Happy!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 06, 2020, 10:53:05 AM
 ;D l
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 07, 2020, 04:44:22 AM


A man took his son to the zoo. They found the monkey cage very entertaining until the father noticed two monkeys in a compromising position which embarrassed him to no end because his son was watching.
He walked up to the keeper and asked if he could stop them. The keeper told him that they are in their natural habitat and could not do anything about it. The father asked the keeper, "If I throw peanuts at them, do you think they would stop?"
The keeper looked at the father in the eye and said, "Would you?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 07, 2020, 07:40:56 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 08, 2020, 03:42:22 AM


A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'.”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
The father looked at him and said, "Okay, just whisper in my ear."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 09, 2020, 04:02:09 AM


Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning, Same thing happens again, his hair is standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn’t believe it!

He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 10, 2020, 03:34:01 AM


The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!"

"That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.

"That's a lion!" answered a little boy.

"Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?"

Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 10, 2020, 01:40:53 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 15, 2020, 04:04:49 AM


A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr. Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 16, 2020, 03:26:45 AM


Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playgroung, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said " Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that".

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 16, 2020, 11:42:29 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 17, 2020, 04:33:01 AM


One day a man called the church office and said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?

The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"

To this, the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the church building fund . . ."

To this, the secretary quickly responded, "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 18, 2020, 03:55:37 AM


Children were called upon a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words "Defeat," "Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail."

Jack stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then proudly shouted out, "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 19, 2020, 03:53:45 AM


A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline shouted, "12 Brazillian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news, then she turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazillian?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 20, 2020, 04:15:10 AM


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old's.
After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 21, 2020, 04:28:17 AM


Before crowbars were invented...
...most crows drank at home by themselves.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 22, 2020, 04:18:57 AM


A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 22, 2020, 08:07:47 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 23, 2020, 03:39:38 AM


Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 24, 2020, 03:43:16 AM


A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".

After the lawyer finished and handed the man a bill

The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 25, 2020, 03:13:06 AM


What do you call an old snowman?
A: Water

Q: What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A: A Christmas Quacker!

Q: What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
A: Lost



Q: Why is the government like ancient Bethlehem?
A: It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.

Q: Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys?
A: Carbon footprints

Q: Which of Santa's reindeer has the best moves?
A: Dancer!



Q: What do you get if you put a bell on a skunk?
A: Jingle smells

Q: Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
A: They were two deer.

Q: What athlete is warmest in winter?
A: A long jumper!

Q: What happens to elves when they are naughty?
A: Santa gives them the sack!

Q: What do you call a deer who can’t see?
A: No eye-deer!

Q: What is the best Christmas present?
A: A broken drum, you can't beat it!

Q: How does Christmas Day end?
A: With the letter Y!



Q: What do you call Father Christmas on the beach?
A: Sandy Claus!

Q: Who delivers presents to cats?
A: Santa Paws!

Q: What says Oh Oh Oh?
A: Santa walking backwards!

Q: Why can’t Christmas trees knit?
A: Because they always drop their needles!

Q:How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?
A: On the dark side!

Q: What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh?
A: Santa going through a revolving door!

Q: What did the sea Say to Santa?
A: Nothing! It just waved!

Q: What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
A: Santa Paws!

Q: What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undercrackers?
A: St Nickerless

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 26, 2020, 05:05:12 AM


My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like this one.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 27, 2020, 03:07:14 AM


A man was watching TV and enjoying a beer. "Don't go," he yelled at the screen. "Do not enter that building. Walk away. Argh, you stupid man!"
His wife called from the kitchen, "What on earth are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 28, 2020, 03:53:11 AM


Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions."
Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced.
"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin
"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.
"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 29, 2020, 04:41:37 AM


At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child.

"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.'

"But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?"

One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 29, 2020, 07:28:41 AM
 ;DO
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 31, 2020, 04:11:28 AM


One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge...
It'll be called YouTwitFace.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 01, 2021, 03:46:22 AM

The "Claven Theory" offers the best proof that beer actually does make you smarter....."One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went: Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Don't you feel smarter after a few?

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 02, 2021, 04:59:24 AM


There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods."

The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!" The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!"

The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid."

The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again.

Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and is getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, "Well, ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up, but tonight I'm gonna have one."

The bartender hears this and says, "Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up! But tomorrow I'm going to sneak a quick one."

The businessman then says, "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad a pea in 6 years"

The bartender jumps up screaming, "Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table..."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 03, 2021, 04:26:21 AM


Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY pooped my pants..

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 04, 2021, 02:08:15 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 04, 2021, 03:39:30 AM


A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 05, 2021, 04:26:53 AM


A blonde is going to London on a plane; how can you steal her window seat?
Tell her all seats going to London are in the middle row.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 07, 2021, 07:07:20 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 08, 2021, 03:45:14 AM


This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 08, 2021, 05:20:23 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 09, 2021, 04:37:01 AM


A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. She recognized him as an old flame.

"Honey," she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 09, 2021, 04:44:07 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 10, 2021, 04:59:43 AM


A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his local congregation:

"It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them that much."

"And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't really scare them either."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 11, 2021, 03:51:13 AM


An old man from way out in the boondocks made it to new York and got on the subway. He sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked the man, "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"

The young man smiled kindly and answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."

The old man thought a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a father, but I wear my collar front ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute, and said, "I am the Father for many."

The old man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have six sons, five daughters and many grandchildren. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?"

The priest, flustered, said impatiently,

"Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people."

The old man, taken aback, sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway car, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 11, 2021, 04:46:40 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 12, 2021, 04:42:05 AM


During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."


  IW
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 12, 2021, 05:14:46 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 13, 2021, 04:04:00 AM


Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, eighty percent of all men think the best way to end a fight is to make love."

"Well," said the other woman, "if that was true, that would certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 14, 2021, 03:55:45 AM


Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know
his wife until he marries her”
Dad: That happens in every country, son

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 16, 2021, 08:36:25 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 17, 2021, 03:50:58 AM


Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pan cakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied, "The rest are for your father."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 17, 2021, 05:21:29 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 18, 2021, 04:28:47 AM


Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got todo something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."



So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 18, 2021, 05:42:10 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 19, 2021, 03:41:55 AM


"Sir," said the timid employee to his boss, "my wife says I'm to ask you for a raise."

"Fine," the boss replied. "I'll ask my wife if I can give you one."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 19, 2021, 03:51:21 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 21, 2021, 05:15:03 AM


A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."
He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 22, 2021, 03:26:13 AM


A man walks in a bank, pulls out a gun, and robs the bank...
Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me
rob this bank?"
The customer replies, "YES!"
The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots him
in the head and kills him!
He then moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "DID ...
YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB THIS BANK????"
The man calmly responds, "No ... But My Wife Did!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 22, 2021, 05:52:16 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 23, 2021, 04:18:55 AM


Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River looking across at the Promised Land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he assured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally, according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned, the more you will sink into the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who would be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.

Finally, George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking of all his sins that were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river, and the water was only up to his ankles.

He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore. Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"

Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 24, 2021, 04:36:51 AM


A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, 'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?' The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.'

So the farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'

The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?'

The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'

The trooper says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, 'Hard to fool them flies though...'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 24, 2021, 08:02:05 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 25, 2021, 04:19:47 AM


Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I have come for my urine test
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 25, 2021, 03:13:13 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 26, 2021, 03:17:01 AM


A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.
The aged Gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath. . . . doctor, I'm very concerned!"
The doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said,: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"

The old gent's response was, "Well. . . three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 26, 2021, 06:56:39 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 27, 2021, 05:08:02 AM


There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 28, 2021, 03:41:20 AM

Marge was in bed with a man. All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. The man said, "Oh, my gosh, your husband is home!!! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk he isn't going to notice you here with me."
The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice.
Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me count them again."
The husband got out of bed, and counted, "One, two, three, and four... Gosh, you're right, dear!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 28, 2021, 11:02:14 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 29, 2021, 04:12:18 AM


Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yellsback,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,

"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,...... "Hurt's, don't it ?!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 29, 2021, 08:33:31 AM
 ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 30, 2021, 03:54:05 AM


Quick clean jokes...
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.
Q: What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
A: They're hiring.

Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A: 'Dam.'

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.

Q: What's a cat's favorite breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.

Q: How does a lion like his steak?
A: Medium roar.

Q: What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
A: French flies.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q: How do you get a Kleenex to dance?
A: Put a boogie in it!

Q: Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side?
A: He's all-right now!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 30, 2021, 07:47:03 AM
  :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 31, 2021, 03:53:04 AM


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 31, 2021, 05:55:59 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 02, 2021, 03:40:41 AM



The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board?!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 03, 2021, 03:05:27 AM


In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 03, 2021, 06:41:41 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 05, 2021, 04:15:03 AM

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 05, 2021, 05:40:37 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 06, 2021, 05:14:36 AM


There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The woman said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the woman.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 06, 2021, 06:26:17 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 07, 2021, 04:16:28 AM


A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 07, 2021, 06:05:20 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 09, 2021, 03:38:35 AM


A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss" noise. but every so often there is a "Pop!" noise.
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every tenth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 10, 2021, 03:42:18 AM


A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinating."
Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinated."
So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her chest's so big she could only fasten eight!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 10, 2021, 05:44:12 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 11, 2021, 03:53:56 AM


A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones. The doctor in the intensive care unit asks him, "Are you married?"
"No, I've been run over by a truck."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 11, 2021, 10:12:34 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 12, 2021, 03:43:42 AM


Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, "How many wives can a man have?"
His friend answered, "Sixteen... four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 12, 2021, 07:58:38 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 13, 2021, 04:52:43 AM


What Children Do.............
** For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. ** For those who have children this age, this is not funny. ** For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. ** For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs in her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy sh_t! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 13, 2021, 07:17:21 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 16, 2021, 04:34:50 AM


You know you are getting old when the smile beside your bedside isn't that same smile. It's your teeth in a jam jar
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 17, 2021, 05:04:45 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 19, 2021, 04:51:30 AM


25 Signs You're Getting Old
1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
5. You are proud of your lawn mower.
6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.



11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
14. You send money to PBS.
15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
16. You take a metal detector to the beach.
17. You know what the word "equity" means.
18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
19. Your ears are hairier than your head.
20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.
23. You can go bowling without drinking.
24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
25. People send you this list.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 20, 2021, 04:31:41 AM

A man sits down at a bar and orders a double martini. After he finishes, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another double martini. The barman says: "I'll bring you martinis all night but why do you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 20, 2021, 07:40:43 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 21, 2021, 04:30:46 AM


Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 21, 2021, 06:04:31 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 22, 2021, 05:05:59 AM


A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world's most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to see him.
So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When it arrived, it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside. "This must be my lucky day," he said to himself. He was now only a few yards from his office.
Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He heard the General's voice. There was no way he'd make it to his door in time, so he ducked into the closest office available, and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development. The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest.
The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted.
"I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device," he said.
"I see," the Head Scientist said. "But the Shrink Ray seems to be working perfectly."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 23, 2021, 01:25:41 AM
 :D lo poi
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 23, 2021, 04:19:16 AM

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 23, 2021, 06:42:57 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 24, 2021, 04:39:11 AM
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The Doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

The husband then donated some of his skin ..... however, the only place suitable to the Doctor was from his buttocks.

The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before!

All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty.

She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!"

He replied, "Oh, don't worry, Honey, I get plenty of thanks every time your Mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 24, 2021, 06:26:43 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 25, 2021, 04:29:57 AM

A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"

He moved over and sat close to her.

"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?"

He reached over and held her tight.

"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"

With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 26, 2021, 03:16:18 AM

A dog walks into the unemployment office and asks a man behind the desk if he would help him find work.
The man, astonished at the sight of a speaking dog, replies, "I think I can help you." The guy was immediately on the phone to the circus to find out if they could use the dog in their routine.
The dog overhears some of this conversation and says, "I hate to interrupt, but what would the circus want with a brick layer?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 26, 2021, 01:40:10 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 27, 2021, 04:16:41 AM


Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 28, 2021, 04:29:32 AM

A young seminary student went home for Christmas break. A horrible snowstorm stranded the regular minister in another town. The leaders of the congregation asked the young man to substitute for the regular minister.

The young preacher started his sermon by explaining the meaning of a substitute. "If you break a window," he said, "and then place a piece of plywood over the hole -- that's a substitute."

After the sermon, a well-intentioned woman wished to compliment the young man. As she enthusiastically shook his hand, she said: "You were no substitute. You were a real pane!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 01, 2021, 03:18:39 AM


A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 01, 2021, 10:32:56 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 02, 2021, 03:31:00 AM

Two archeologists, exploring a remote mountain in Tibet came across a huge granite statue which resembled a sitting man. It stood almost 400 foot tall, and its bodily details were accurate down to the fingernails and teeth.
"It looks real enough to talk," says one.
"Lets try," says the other and turning to the statue he asks it its name.
No answer.
"How old are you?"
No answer.
Finally. one shouts out, "What is the square root of 64?"
Suddenly, the mountain shakes as the giant statue rises onto its feet and puts its hand on its chin. Then after about ten seconds, the statue answers in a roaring voice, "Eight."

"Of course!" says the scientist, "... It only stands to reason."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 03, 2021, 05:54:36 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 05, 2021, 03:55:29 AM


Tammy and Ann were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, Tammy said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then ?" said Ann.

"Oh ! Not yet." Tammy replied, "I'd like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 05, 2021, 03:24:21 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 08, 2021, 03:21:23 AM


After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.

No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 08, 2021, 05:28:57 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 09, 2021, 03:52:25 AM


Men are like a pack of Cards:
A "heart" to love them
A "diamond" to marry them
A "club" to smack them and
A "spade" to bury the body...

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 09, 2021, 04:37:18 PM
  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 10, 2021, 03:36:06 AM


A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 10, 2021, 05:33:43 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 11, 2021, 03:15:57 AM

A high school student stared thoughtfully at the second question on his exam, which read, “State the number of tons of coal shipped out of America in any given year.”
Suddenly, his brow cleared, and he wrote, “1492: None.”


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 12, 2021, 02:50:07 AM


A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"
"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."
So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 13, 2021, 03:13:51 AM


Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 13, 2021, 09:02:23 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 14, 2021, 05:07:06 AM


Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"

Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."

To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."

Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 14, 2021, 11:46:21 AM
  ;D she loves all timers people
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 15, 2021, 05:41:41 AM


The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" "A horsy," one child answers.
"And this?" the teacher asks. "A piggy," replies another youngster."
And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint".
What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot? "I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl.
"It's a horny bastard!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 15, 2021, 02:52:53 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 16, 2021, 04:23:00 AM


GENUINE COURT TRANSCRIPT...
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 16, 2021, 08:48:27 AM
 ;DO
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 17, 2021, 03:29:55 AM

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 17, 2021, 06:12:24 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 18, 2021, 04:13:50 AM


A man was having marital problems. So he went
to his shrink. The shrink says, "When you get

home, throw down your briefcase, run to her,

embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours,

and make mad passionate love to her."

In two weeks he was back in the shrink's office.

The shrink asked "How did it go?"

He said, "She didn't have anything to say,

but her bridge club got a kick out of it."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 18, 2021, 12:17:21 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 21, 2021, 05:39:45 AM


The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why women like Chinese food so much.
The study revealed that this is due to the fact that 'Won Ton' spelled backward is 'Not Now'.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 21, 2021, 06:53:59 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 23, 2021, 04:43:41 AM

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 24, 2021, 05:17:41 AM


"Grandma, how long have you and Grandpa been married?" asked young Nina.
"Fifty years," Grandma replied.
"That is so wonderful," exclaimed Nina. "And I bet in all that time, you never once thought about divorce, right?"
"Right Nina. Divorce, NEVER. Murder, lots of times, but never divorce."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 24, 2021, 06:00:17 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 27, 2021, 04:03:04 AM


Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.
Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lot of money" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 27, 2021, 06:14:59 AM
 ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 28, 2021, 04:44:41 AM


Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 28, 2021, 01:53:12 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 29, 2021, 04:37:29 AM


A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a "Living Will"

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 29, 2021, 07:22:19 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 30, 2021, 03:34:21 AM


A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV. The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks, "What are you staring at?"
"A spider," he replies.
"I don't see anything," she says.
"Oh, it must have fallen on your head," he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming...
The man says, "While you're up, can you get me another beer?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 30, 2021, 06:00:48 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 31, 2021, 03:37:55 AM


My doctor has advised me to stop drinking.
It's going to be a massive change for me.
I've been with that doctor for 15 years.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 31, 2021, 08:28:44 AM
 ;DO
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 02, 2021, 03:46:01 AM

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 02, 2021, 07:24:50 AM
 ;D :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 06, 2021, 04:59:47 AM


Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 07, 2021, 04:24:33 AM


Signs you are getting old:
1. You don't hold in your stomach when someone young and attractive enters the room.

2. You can live with out sex but not without glasses.

3. You are proud of your lawn mower.

4. Your friend is dating someone half his age, but not breaking the law.

5. You can sing along with elevator music.

6. Someone calls your house at 9 pm, and asks, 'Did I wake you up?'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 07, 2021, 05:57:38 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 08, 2021, 04:39:33 AM


An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 08, 2021, 11:54:22 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 09, 2021, 03:57:59 AM


Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"



Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"



Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again".

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man".

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 09, 2021, 09:04:39 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 10, 2021, 04:09:15 AM


A college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 10, 2021, 02:50:36 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 11, 2021, 04:26:39 AM


A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 11, 2021, 08:27:13 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 12, 2021, 04:57:13 AM


A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war.
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.
At this point, several of the children giggle.
I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."
At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company."

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitt's."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 12, 2021, 04:37:51 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 13, 2021, 04:02:26 AM


One salesgirl in a candy store always had customers lined up waiting while other girls stood around idle.
The store owner asked for her secret.
"It's easy," she said. "The others scoop up more than a pound and then start taking away. I scoop up less, then add to it."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 13, 2021, 07:40:31 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 14, 2021, 04:07:31 AM


A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.

He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beet red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh . . . I . . ."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 14, 2021, 07:33:59 PM
  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 15, 2021, 03:59:59 AM

A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother."
"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday."
"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 15, 2021, 06:23:34 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 16, 2021, 03:51:20 AM


Early one evening a man went out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawn mower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date."
"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.

"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 16, 2021, 05:43:34 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 17, 2021, 04:29:21 AM


Harry was shipwrecked on a deserted island. For several months, he longed for someone to talk to; searched the horizons for even the suggestion of a ship.

One day, his commitment was rewarded: A beautiful woman was washed up onto the beach, floating on a large steamer trunk. Harry got her all settled, and fed, and dried off and they started talking.

April asked Harry, "what is something you've REALLY missed being out here on a desserted island for so long?"

"A clean shirt," was Harry's response. With a huff, April reached into the steamer trunk and tossed Harry a shirt.

April let out a short huff, but persevered: "Surely there's SOMETHING you've really missed out here...all alone...on an island with NOBODY all this time?"

"Oh wow, YEAH, there sure is: I'd REALLY like a dry pillow to sleep on."

April reached into her steamer trunk once again and tossed Harry a pillow; and she would not be put off. Striking her most alluring pose, she asked in her most provocative voice, "C'mon, Harry, wouldn't you like to play around?"

Harry got all excited and started jumping up and down. "Don't tell me you have a set of GOLF CLUBS in there, too?!???!?!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 17, 2021, 04:54:49 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 18, 2021, 05:24:46 AM


A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.

After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 18, 2021, 05:40:10 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 20, 2021, 04:56:36 AM


After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 20, 2021, 06:10:56 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 21, 2021, 05:04:30 AM

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 21, 2021, 05:39:01 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 22, 2021, 05:27:27 AM


One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg.
He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
"I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "Pantyhose!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 22, 2021, 01:15:33 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 23, 2021, 04:24:10 AM


Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference.
There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.

One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.

When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

"Where ya been?"

he slurred.

"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 23, 2021, 01:19:51 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 24, 2021, 05:11:57 AM


Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.
"Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?"
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here."
The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.
"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.
"Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, "I wish that lousy assh*le would've tried that sh*t with me!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 24, 2021, 07:06:45 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 26, 2021, 04:39:17 AM


Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club.
"We're supposed to wear something that matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing black," said Mrs. Smith.
"Oh my," said Mrs. Jones, "I'd better not go."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 26, 2021, 10:56:28 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 27, 2021, 04:23:54 AM


The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"


A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 27, 2021, 05:23:17 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 29, 2021, 04:26:24 AM


One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge. He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened. The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"
"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 29, 2021, 04:50:58 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 30, 2021, 05:06:33 AM


A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones. The doctor in the intensive care unit asks him, "Are you married?"
"No, I've been run over by a truck."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 30, 2021, 05:22:58 PM
 ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 01, 2021, 04:39:00 AM


 A Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.

"It's your account, Darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down, 'Piggy.'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 02, 2021, 06:09:18 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 03, 2021, 04:43:33 AM


My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 03, 2021, 07:27:02 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 04, 2021, 04:42:17 AM


Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a $10 bill and decided to give it to the person who tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys looked at each other then gave the $10 note to the teacher.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 04, 2021, 05:51:16 AM
 :D poi
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 05, 2021, 03:46:19 AM


Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over. Bob and Dan decided since it was early they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.

It was nearing 5 PM and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of anyone. So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down. On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile.

Bob says, "It's the only way down. I will go first." Bob jumped.

Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled, "Hey Bob! How deep did you go?"

Bob yells back, "I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!" Dan jumps and goes clear up to his neck in manure.

He says to Bob, "I thought when you jumped you went up to your ankles?"

Bob replies, "I did, but I landed head first!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 05, 2021, 06:12:41 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 06, 2021, 04:21:28 AM

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 06, 2021, 07:10:36 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 07, 2021, 04:33:36 AM


A man took off with his family to tour the country. When he returned, his next door neighbour asked how he enjoyed the vacation.
"Well," he replied, "have you ever spent three weeks in a mini-van with those you thought you loved?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 07, 2021, 06:38:13 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 10, 2021, 04:40:45 AM


A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!"

A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!" When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks. He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!" He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp. As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out. "Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 10, 2021, 03:07:29 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 11, 2021, 04:45:25 AM


Two young boys were closely examining bathroom scales at the department store.

"What's it for?" one asked.

The other replied. "You stand on it and it makes you real mad."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 11, 2021, 10:31:32 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 12, 2021, 05:25:31 AM


The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”

“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 12, 2021, 04:35:53 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 13, 2021, 05:06:33 AM


A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day. With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?" The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice." The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 13, 2021, 06:28:23 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 14, 2021, 03:45:11 AM


"Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?"
"No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot for me there!"
"I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 14, 2021, 04:58:25 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 16, 2021, 06:33:19 AM


Three women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them.
As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him.
However, his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped his pants.
She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband."
The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, "Your right, he's not your husband."
The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, "He's not from our village."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 16, 2021, 07:06:59 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 17, 2021, 05:22:28 AM


Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legshurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex.That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 17, 2021, 06:42:41 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 19, 2021, 04:18:45 AM


A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. As pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocked from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes.A police officer who was observing the man asked him for some identification. The man gave the officer a document that shoed he was an ordained minister of the gospel. When the officer began to escort him to a mental institution, the minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment.“Look, we both know it’s the best place for you now,” the officer replied. “Anyone claiming to be a preacher who doesn’t save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 19, 2021, 04:28:49 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 20, 2021, 04:19:50 AM


A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 21, 2021, 04:53:05 AM


A man was driving a rig in a long line of tractor-trailers when a police officer pulled him over for speeding. Astounded that he alone was caught, he asked, "Out of all these trucks that were going just as fast as I was, why did you pull me over?"
"Have you ever gone fishing?" the officer asked.
"Yes," Walt replied.
"Well, have you ever caught all the fish in the pond?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 21, 2021, 05:01:31 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 22, 2021, 05:13:46 AM


A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."



The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do.

"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.

"What's the matter now?"

the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."



The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.

"It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.

"I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 22, 2021, 06:34:51 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 30, 2021, 04:53:59 AM


Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another patient asked, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 30, 2021, 08:14:05 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 31, 2021, 04:25:02 AM


The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall.The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 31, 2021, 06:55:51 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 01, 2021, 04:49:49 AM


A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat standing upright underneath on the floor of the cave.
Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the heck are you doing down there?"
And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 01, 2021, 04:55:47 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 02, 2021, 04:17:15 AM


2 women were playing golf. On the third hole there was a 4 men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway.
The first woman said I'll tee off he is far enough away. She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly. He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.
She ran to him, apologizing and saying "let me help I am a physical therapist." He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him.
"How does that feel?" she asked. He said, "Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 03, 2021, 02:38:42 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 03, 2021, 04:21:41 AM


Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."     



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 03, 2021, 06:45:54 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 04, 2021, 04:09:19 AM


According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night ,the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.... She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators...

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 04, 2021, 05:37:43 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 05, 2021, 04:07:13 AM


When the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge. Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years.

"But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty."

"May I have the other 10 years?" asked Man. The Monkey agreed.

The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man asked for the remaining ten. Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten years and got them.

This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion 'bout it, and 10 years of making an ass out of himself.



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 05, 2021, 07:49:14 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 06, 2021, 05:03:51 AM


A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the S!%t."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 06, 2021, 05:53:17 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 07, 2021, 04:35:07 AM

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshippers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one shook the minister’s hand, he said, “Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, I bet you’re smarter than Einstein." Beaming with pride, the minister said, “Why, thank you, brother!” As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man’s compliment. The more he though, the more the wondered why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So the following Sunday he asked the man, “Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein? ”The man replied, “Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you.”


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 08, 2021, 05:34:39 AM


Two old guys were chatting.....
One said to the other: "My 85th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing!!.....Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 08, 2021, 11:07:08 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 09, 2021, 04:48:05 AM


Definitions....

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 09, 2021, 06:03:26 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 10, 2021, 04:09:40 AM


A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 10, 2021, 05:48:29 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 11, 2021, 03:56:32 AM


The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and
continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 11, 2021, 05:20:39 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 12, 2021, 05:11:57 AM





All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... the @$$hole is usually in charge.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 13, 2021, 01:54:08 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 13, 2021, 04:07:15 AM


It was the end of the day when I parked my police car in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got in the back seat there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the car. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 14, 2021, 08:40:19 AM
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I was wondering if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 15, 2021, 01:10:20 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 15, 2021, 05:27:27 AM


Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 15, 2021, 08:43:34 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 16, 2021, 04:31:54 AM


Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?"
"Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."
"Oh! they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route142" ...


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 17, 2021, 01:26:24 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 17, 2021, 05:14:22 AM



A young girl was attending her first wedding, watching the proceedings with interest for a while before growing restless. The groom stood at the altar as six bridesmaids walked slowly up the aisle, one by one. Soon, the girl leaned over to her mom and whispered, “Why doesn’t he just hurry up and pick one?”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 17, 2021, 07:40:25 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 18, 2021, 03:55:02 AM


A wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?"

"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you....!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 18, 2021, 07:14:26 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 19, 2021, 04:22:56 AM

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out having coffee with a friend. She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I’m on the toilet.
Please advise.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 19, 2021, 05:51:36 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 21, 2021, 04:45:56 AM


Three police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked the first officer, “What did you do with your life?”“ I was a police officer,” he responded. “What kind of police officer?” Saint Peter asked. “I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids. ”“Welcome to heaven. You may end the gates. ”He asked the second man what he did as a police officer. “I was a traffic officer,” said the man. “I kept the roads and highways safe. ”“Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates. ”He asked the third man what he did as a police officer. “I was a military policeman, sir,” replied the man. “Wonderful! I’ve been waiting for you all day!” replied Saint Peter. “I need to take a break! Watch the gate.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 21, 2021, 01:17:43 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 22, 2021, 04:46:22 AM


As a woman was about to go home from a long and stressful day at the office, her cell phone rang. It was her husband.
"Will you be joining me in the whirlpool bath tonight?" he asked.
"What a lovely way to spend an evening," she thought.
She was about to tell him how considerate he was when he continued, "because if you're not, I need to start adding more water to the tub."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 22, 2021, 07:15:41 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 23, 2021, 04:54:40 AM


Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a $10 note and decided to give it to the person who tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys looked at each other then gave the $10 note to the teacher.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 23, 2021, 05:41:02 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 24, 2021, 05:28:05 AM



"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 24, 2021, 07:23:03 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 25, 2021, 04:19:28 AM


The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...
It creates a hostile work environment.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 25, 2021, 06:05:29 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 27, 2021, 05:29:31 AM


A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office.After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.”“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 27, 2021, 07:53:49 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 28, 2021, 04:46:46 AM


A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister. “I’m really concerned about this marriage,” the young man said. “Don’t you love her?” the pastor asked in surprise. “Of course,” the groom said. “But I have unbelievably smelly feet—and I’m afraid my fiancée won’t be able to stand them. ”“Oh, is that all?” the pastor replied. “Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time. ”The groom thought it over and decided it just might work. Meanwhile, the nervous bride had privately approached the minister’s wife. “I’m so worried,” she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day! ”“Oh, dear,” the pastor’s wife replied,” everyone has bad breath in the morning. Don’t worry about it. ”“No, you don’t understand,” the bride implored. “My morning breath is so awful, my fiancé won’t even want to be near me! ”“Well, I have an idea,” the pastor’s wife said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until you’ve taken care of your breath. ”The bride thought it over and decided it just might work. In time, a beautiful wedding was held and the bride and groom enjoyed the day without once worrying about their secret problems. For several months they managed to keep their issues to themselves. Then one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed, afraid of what might happen if he didn’t find his sock soon. His bride woke with a start, and, without thinking, blurted out, “What in the world are you doing? ”“Oh, dear!” the young man wailed. “You swallowed my sock!”


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 28, 2021, 05:00:55 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 29, 2021, 04:39:37 AM


There was a man driving down the road when he ran out of petrol. He went to the nearest house to ask for some fuel. As soon as he opened the door it started to pour so the guy asked to stay overnight. The owner said, "OK, but if you see a monster in the garage, whatever you do don't touch it."
So the man went up to the guest room but was too curious. He went down to the garage and saw the huge ugly monster. He decided to see what it would do if he threw a rock at it or made faces. He did both these but nothing happened.
So the man went and touched the monster. Up the monster jumped and chased the man all over the country. When the man got to a cliff he thought he was going to die, so he rolled up in a tiny ball.
Then the monster came over and touched the man and said, "You're it!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 29, 2021, 04:43:35 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 30, 2021, 03:56:40 AM


A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?" The Officer replies, "President Biden was just implicated in another scandal with his son Hunter and he's all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him". "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "I've got a lot of folks still siphoning, but right now I have about three hundred gallons."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 30, 2021, 06:46:09 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 01, 2021, 04:19:56 AM


Mr. Smith took his four-year-old son, Bryan, to several baseball games where "The Star-Spangled Banner" was sung before the start of each game.
Several days later,  the Smith family attended St Bartholomew's church on the Sunday before Independence Day.  The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, Bryan suddenly stood up and  yelled out at the top of his voice, 'Play ball.'
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 01, 2021, 04:38:26 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 02, 2021, 04:42:24 AM


Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell 'convenience', so I made it 'risk'."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 02, 2021, 07:54:26 AM
  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 03, 2021, 04:33:10 AM


The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 03, 2021, 10:11:19 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 05, 2021, 03:36:41 AM


A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mom," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mom, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mom!"
"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?
"Please don't make me tell you, Mom," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mom, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 06, 2021, 04:43:20 AM


That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?"
"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 06, 2021, 06:22:28 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 07, 2021, 03:55:11 AM


The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle.

After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked 'I've always wanted to find out what's worn under the kilt'.

The sentry replied: 'There is nothing worn, Ma'am, its all in perfect working order'.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 07, 2021, 07:48:36 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 08, 2021, 04:02:27 AM


             My wife asked me why I  choose to be cremated when writing out my will.           
              Being cremated is my last chance to have a smoking hot body!



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 08, 2021, 05:22:34 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 09, 2021, 04:06:39 AM


An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."



"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."

"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 09, 2021, 05:57:03 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 10, 2021, 04:18:44 AM

The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice. "The next time you're down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and go to the house," said the doctor.
"I tried that," said the farmer, "But by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no use."
The doctor thought for a minute, "Take your shotgun with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun and she will come down there where you are."
A few weeks later the two men met on the street.
"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.
"Fine, the first three days," said the farmer, "But then hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since."


  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful. The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 10, 2021, 07:03:34 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 11, 2021, 04:46:06 AM


After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 11, 2021, 07:36:11 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 13, 2021, 04:26:05 AM


A new preacher wanted to rent a house in the country but the only one available was rumored to be haunted. That didn’t bother the preacher since he didn’t believe in such things. He went ahead and rented the place. Soon the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn’t believe him. They told him the only way they would believe was if he took a picture of the ghost. The preacher went home and called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed. When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn’t visible. Feeling disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn’t in it. The ghost thought a minute and replied, “Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 14, 2021, 04:44:43 AM


Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."
"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.
"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 14, 2021, 06:07:53 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 16, 2021, 04:38:43 AM


Three guys, a Polish guy, a Jewish guy and an Italian guy
sign up for the police academy. The Jewish guy goes in first

and the Captain says to him, "We have to ask you one question

before we admit you in to the academy, Who killed Jesus?"

The Jewish guy says "The Romans did it."

The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted."

The Italian guy goes in next. The Captain asks him the same

thing. "We have to ask you one question first before you're

admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?"

The Italian guy says "The Romans did it."

The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted."

The Polish guy goes in and the Captain repeats the question.

The Polish guy says "Gee, I don't know." The Captain tells

him to go home and think about it for a week and come back

and tell him.

The Polish guy goes home and his wife asked him how his

first day went at the academy, and he says to her, "You won't

believe it! My first day on the job and they assigned me to

a murder case!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 17, 2021, 04:37:35 AM


After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small southern town decided he had been doing that long enough. He told his wife that from then on he’d let the local barber shave him each day.The man went to the barbershop which was owned by the pastor of the local Baptist church. The barber’s wife, whose name was Grace, shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water. “That will be twenty dollars,” she said. The man thought the price was a bit high and wondered how he’d continue to foot such a bill, but he paid for the service and went off to work.The next morning, the man looked in the mirror and saw that his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don’t need to get a shave every day.The next morning, the man’s face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. He couldn’t understand it, so he returned to the barber shop.“I thought twenty dollars was high for a shave,” he told the barber’s wife, “but you must have done a great job. It’s been two weeks and my whiskers still haven’t started growing back.”The woman’s face showed no surprise. “Well, of course,” she said. “You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 18, 2021, 05:06:18 AM


One night there was three fugitives escaping from jail. One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a red-head. They had the police hot on their trail and quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in. When all three were inside the red-head, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory. They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door. They looked at the sacks and said 'Hmm maybe they are hiding in these' The officer kicks the Red-head's sack and she makes whimpering noises. 'Hmm just puppies in that sack' The officer kicks the Brunette's sack and she makes mewing noises. 'Hmm just kittens in that sack' He says. He finally kicks the blonde's sack and he hears....
'POTATOES POTATOES!'

R
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 19, 2021, 04:18:46 AM


Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 20, 2021, 03:56:16 AM


There are two blondes and a brunette on an island. One of the blondes finds a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie says he will grant them one wish each.
The first blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat." With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.
The second blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I need jetski." With a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde.
The genie looks enquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says, "Just give me a million dollars, I'll take the bridge."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 21, 2021, 04:48:53 AM



A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.

But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 22, 2021, 04:23:49 AM

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, "ROAR," step, step, "ROAR," all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 22, 2021, 08:42:45 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 23, 2021, 04:07:18 AM

A seventy-six-year-old man married a woman less than half his age and took her off on honeymoon to the Caribbean. When he returned home, his sister asked him how it had gone.
"Oh, it was wonderful," he said, "We made love almost every night."

"That's quite a feat at your age," said the sister.
"Yes," he continued. "Almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday..."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 24, 2021, 03:30:09 AM


A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: "You must be single?”
The man replied: “Wow how did you know that?”
Cashier: “Because you’re not that good looking.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 25, 2021, 04:44:10 AM
10 reasons why God created Eve

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost
in the Garden.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to

locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new

fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to

buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's,

dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the

garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would

never be able to

handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember

where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on

when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,

scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 25, 2021, 05:51:23 AM
 ;D it
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 26, 2021, 04:50:24 AM


Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 26, 2021, 05:50:49 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 27, 2021, 05:08:36 AM


One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat , and shot the canary."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 27, 2021, 06:32:42 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 28, 2021, 03:51:51 AM

A brunette who can't stand blondes is walking in the forest when all of a sudden she sees a magic lamp on the ground. Thinking to herself, "It always works in the movies," and so proceeds to pick up and rub the lamp.
A genie immediately emerges from the spout and says, "I will grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, all the blondes in the world will receive double the amount you receive. Do you understand?"
"Yes I understand," says the brunette, "and for my first wish, I want you to give my an incredibly handsome man."
"Do you understand that all the blondes in the world will receive 2 incredibly handsome men?" asks the genie.
The brunette replies yes and so an incredibly handsome man pops up beside her.
"For my second wish," says the pleased brunette, "I want you to give me 1 million dollars."
"Do you understand that all the blondes in the world will receive 2 million dollars?" said the genie.
The brunette replies yes and a large pile of money pops up on her other side.
Growing even more excited the brunette says calmly, "Lastly - you see that stick over there? I want you to beat me half to death with it."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 28, 2021, 06:24:22 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 29, 2021, 04:43:43 AM


Two old friends met for the first time in several years. They had a good talk and one asked, "Is your wife still as pretty as ever?"
"She sure is," the other replied. "It just takes her longer."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 29, 2021, 05:11:24 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 30, 2021, 04:38:50 AM


As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good?

Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 30, 2021, 07:10:30 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 31, 2021, 03:59:58 AM


A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'penis.'

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 31, 2021, 03:09:34 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 01, 2021, 04:59:02 AM


A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his
secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat; and
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
"Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 01, 2021, 05:02:03 AM
 ;D p
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 02, 2021, 04:15:48 AM


An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said:
"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".
A young man opened the door and let him in.
The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.
He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed."
When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.
The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it."
The old man said, "And the same old story..."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 02, 2021, 12:33:17 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 03, 2021, 03:42:19 AM


A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz."

So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.

The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!

The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

"Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . . . "

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No . . . "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 03, 2021, 06:30:48 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 04, 2021, 03:51:00 AM


Once upon a time there was this guy who bought a hang glider and took it out to the mountains to fly it. He was cruising along a few hundred feet above the treetops when he spots these two hunters down below. He hollers and waves at them, trying to be sociable.
Suddenly the hunters look up and they both fire their double barrel shotguns at him.
When the hang glider was out of sight one of the hunters turns to the other and says, "What kinda bird you reckon that was?"
The other hunter replies, "I don't rightly know, but I think we hit it."
"How's that?"
"You saw how fast he dropped that man he was caring, didn't ya?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 04, 2021, 06:04:50 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 05, 2021, 03:39:25 AM


A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained,
"I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."   

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 05, 2021, 06:44:50 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 06, 2021, 03:20:31 AM
A young girl was attending her first wedding, watching the proceedings with interest for a while before growing restless. The groom stood at the altar as six bridesmaids walked slowly up the aisle, one by one. Soon, the girl leaned over to her mom and whispered, “Why doesn’t he just hurry up and pick one?”


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 06, 2021, 06:52:26 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Aug 06, 2021, 03:05:41 PM
This Waste of space thread would be perfect for PMing vs. making everyone else haveto dodge around it each day I’m thinking?
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Aug 06, 2021, 06:26:04 PM
And what’s sad is everyone agrees but no one has the balls to step up with me. I have a idea? How’s about we have a hunting site about HUNTING! Instead of the 8 of us who involve ourselves each year.

No wonder I bust my ass trying to recruit guys on here all year and it declines in posts by the season because of dogshit posts and 7 guys who care. No wonder this place sucks!

This place was phenomenal when guys tried. Now it’s myself and 6 others guys who shoot deer and 88 others who fuckin think driving to cabelas with the ole lady counts, fuck off!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 07, 2021, 05:05:18 AM
And what’s sad is everyone agrees but no one has the balls to step up with me. I have a idea? How’s about we have a hunting site about HUNTING! Instead of the 8 of us who involve ourselves each year.

No wonder I bust my ass trying to recruit guys on here all year and it declines in posts by the season because of dogshit posts and 7 guys who care. No wonder this place sucks!

This place was phenomenal when guys tried. Now it’s myself and 6 others guys who shoot deer and 88 others who fuckin think driving to cabelas with the ole lady counts, fuck off!
              Such bitterness. Some are trying to put a little humor out. And complain to the man who started this web site.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 07, 2021, 05:06:01 AM


The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.



The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 07, 2021, 05:14:26 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 08, 2021, 04:39:22 AM


Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress - especially, the mattress.

Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord.

"What's that?" she demanded with great suspicion, suspecting it might be one of those high tech items the city folks talked about.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 08, 2021, 04:17:52 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 09, 2021, 04:00:05 AM


The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the teacher decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals.

"I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is.

First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees."

The children looked at her blankly.

"I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns."

No response. This wasn't going well at all!

Finally a kid volunteered:

"Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus....but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 09, 2021, 06:57:29 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 10, 2021, 03:58:52 AM


A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: lv2hunt on Aug 10, 2021, 12:26:02 PM
And what’s sad is everyone agrees but no one has the balls to step up with me. I have a idea? How’s about we have a hunting site about HUNTING! Instead of the 8 of us who involve ourselves each year.

No wonder I bust my ass trying to recruit guys on here all year and it declines in posts by the season because of dogshit posts and 7 guys who care. No wonder this place sucks!

This place was phenomenal when guys tried. Now it’s myself and 6 others guys who shoot deer and 88 others who fuckin think driving to cabelas with the ole lady counts, fuck off!



Funniest thing I've read on here... now that's some humor i figured you waited till ice shanty for that.. ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 11, 2021, 04:25:46 AM


A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 12, 2021, 05:07:13 AM


A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. 'What are you doing?' his mother asked. 'The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken' the boy explained. 'I'm looking for the seal.'


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 12, 2021, 12:02:39 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 13, 2021, 04:06:31 AM


A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 13, 2021, 06:42:23 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 14, 2021, 04:11:46 AM

Three priests died and came up to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looked up the priests and informed them there had been a mistake; they were not supposed to die for another 10 years or so.
The priests were upset about this and asked St. Peter what could be done. St. Peter said that he would send them back to earth in any form they wanted until the problem was fixed.
St Peter asks the first priest, " What do you want to become?" and the first priest replies," I always wanted to be an eagle and see all of God's creation from above."
"Done." St. Peter snaps his fingers and the first priest disappears.
St. Peter asks the second priest, "What do you want to become?" and the second priest replies, "I always wanted to be a dolphin and see all of God's creation from under the sea."
"Done." St Peter snaps his fingers and the second priest disappears like the first.
St. Peter asks the third priest, "What do you want to become?"" and the third priest shyly says, ""Well... my wish is kind of sinful."
"No matter. You can choose any form you want." St. Peter says and the third priest replies, "Well, I always wanted to be a...stud, you know?"
St .Peter replies, "I don't see a problem with that." St. Peter snaps his fingers and the third priest disappears.
Later, Jesus asked St. Peter, " I heard there was a problem with three priests being here before their time. Where are they?"
St. Peter explained, "One is soaring high above the Grand Canyon. The second is swimming in the North Atlantic. The third is on the left rear tire of a Chevy Blazer."




Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 14, 2021, 05:30:09 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 15, 2021, 03:49:30 AM


A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ...
"HELLLLO" "You need to roll up the windows"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 15, 2021, 04:02:15 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 16, 2021, 04:47:47 AM


Husband throwing darts at his wife's photo and not even a single throw hitting the target.
From another room the wife calls, "Honey, what are you doing?"
Husband: "MISSING YOU..."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 16, 2021, 07:00:46 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 17, 2021, 04:45:16 AM


Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.

The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?"

He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."

The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.

The second guy says, "What's wrong?"

The first guy says, "Small world!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 17, 2021, 04:58:18 PM
 ;D poi
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 18, 2021, 04:28:02 AM


Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies ... "No matter what!"
On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"
The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks. Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop two inches from the cup.
"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"
The man gave him a wry smile, "Your 7 iron!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 18, 2021, 07:04:47 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 19, 2021, 03:50:46 AM


A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 19, 2021, 06:39:35 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 20, 2021, 03:29:11 AM


Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."

The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"

"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 20, 2021, 06:08:17 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 21, 2021, 04:52:46 AM


The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 22, 2021, 03:08:08 AM


An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 22, 2021, 06:53:01 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 23, 2021, 03:26:55 AM


Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm becoming Catholic."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 24, 2021, 02:11:53 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 24, 2021, 03:58:33 AM


A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 24, 2021, 09:08:50 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 25, 2021, 03:59:32 AM


There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant.
Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for “enjoyment of food”

Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.

The manager said, “You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it.” The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, “Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it.”

The judge turned to Mike and said, “What do you have to say to that?” The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, “What is the meaning of that?” The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin, – “I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.”




Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 25, 2021, 11:42:32 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 26, 2021, 04:29:54 AM


A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV. The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks, "What are you staring at?"
"A spider," he replies.
"I don't see anything," she says.
"Oh, it must have fallen on your head," he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming...
The man says, "While you're up, can you get me another beer?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 27, 2021, 04:22:32 AM


St.Peter was checking the gate between Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the "Pit" and called to the Devil...The Devil says, "Yeah, whaddya want..?"

St. Peter: "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it.." .

The Devil retorted: "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone available for that..",

St. Peter got angry, "Look, we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate..!" ,

The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone available..."

St. Peter turned red and exclaimed..."Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue..!"

A big grin broke out on the Devil's face, "Oh yeah, and just where are you going to find a lawyer on your side ...?!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 27, 2021, 05:14:49 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 28, 2021, 04:45:01 AM

This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns. He looks around to make sure there are no Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it.
An Inspector steps out of the bushes, “Ahha!” he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled “Craaap!”. The Inspector, who wasn’t expecting such a response said “Settle down, I’m the Fishing Inspector”.
“Thank God for that” said the fisherman, “I thought you were the bugger who owned this fish trap”.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 28, 2021, 06:18:49 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 29, 2021, 04:34:53 AM


A guy goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. He doesn't know which one to get, so he just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. He says, "Excuse me, Sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Sir, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." The guy didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20.00."

The guy says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the guy farts. At first he is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was him. Being blind, the salesman wouldn't know that he was the only other person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

The guy says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes sir, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 29, 2021, 05:19:01 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 30, 2021, 04:33:32 AM


A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. The officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"
The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep the chain.
Just then, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss.
The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result.
He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the silly bird came back.
When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.
"What on earth have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.
"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 30, 2021, 07:27:51 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 31, 2021, 04:02:44 AM


A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 31, 2021, 04:06:12 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 01, 2021, 03:27:40 AM


A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 01, 2021, 05:32:41 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 02, 2021, 04:51:59 AM


Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 02, 2021, 06:54:58 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 03, 2021, 03:51:02 AM


A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas .With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee".

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 04, 2021, 04:01:34 AM


A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!
The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00
He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
"I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"
"That's right, sir, you could have, said the manager. Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 04, 2021, 05:35:17 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 05, 2021, 03:31:15 AM


All of Broomtown was a buzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married. Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple.
The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little wisk-broom.
"But, how can that be?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 05, 2021, 08:39:28 AM
 :D p
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 06, 2021, 04:42:34 AM


A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 06, 2021, 06:28:27 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 07, 2021, 04:39:58 AM


Yesterday my spouse was berating me for checking my email all day as I work from home.
"You know," she complained, "I think that work rules your life."
"No dear," I replied, "you rule my life... I just prefer work."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 07, 2021, 05:35:02 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 08, 2021, 03:42:49 AM


A man and his wife started out in the car after a quarrel. She sat in the back seat and continued to berate him for his faults. In her excitement she pounded on the car door and it flew open. Several blocks later one of their neighbors flagged the man down.

"Your wife fell out of the car back there," he said.

The man looked over at the back seat. "Thank goodness!" he said, "I thought I had lost my hearing!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 08, 2021, 06:06:16 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 09, 2021, 04:15:34 AM


A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold. They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street. Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack. “This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter. “Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded. “We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 09, 2021, 04:31:15 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 10, 2021, 04:08:25 AM


The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Sep 10, 2021, 11:23:53 AM
It’s hunting season now, things are picking up, maybe comment or start a subject on that now? Look, you didn’t start this thread but you can end it. It still sucks, it’s not for fun. No one likes it and Chuck puts a happy face out of habit and feeling bad.

Look I get you both do the happy faces and beyond stupid jokes at this point to urk me but just know you both suck and no one likes you and you’re only hurting yourselves. If you guys actually contributed it might be different.

In closing everyone hates this thread. Good luck hunting, not that you guys would. SAD
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 11, 2021, 04:45:35 AM


A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the driver thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.
The driver decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 11, 2021, 06:40:27 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 12, 2021, 04:05:51 AM


A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 12, 2021, 04:11:25 AM
It’s hunting season now, things are picking up, maybe comment or start a subject on that now? Look, you didn’t start this thread but you can end it. It still sucks, it’s not for fun. No one likes it and Chuck puts a happy face out of habit and feeling bad.

Look I get you both do the happy faces and beyond stupid jokes at this point to urk me but just know you both suck and no one likes you and you’re only hurting yourselves. If you guys actually contributed it might be different.

In closing everyone hates this thread. Good luck hunting, not that you guys would. SAD

          If no none likes the jokes how come there are 630,151 views? You don't have to read the jokes, just skip by them and do your thing.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 12, 2021, 05:30:11 AM
 :) :) ;)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Sep 12, 2021, 07:40:23 AM
1. Because this thread is just one you highjacked from 2007 when it was actually a viable thread.  ( think about how many times you blink in a day? Adds up doesn’t it?)

2. Every time you post another waste of space it bumps you to the top and adds a NEW icon so that any number of millions of people googling anything about hunting see this pop up as there first option to click on when they find this site, they then leave. It’s a one time click deal trust me. There are billions of people in this world.

3. It’s all built it up of Chucks happy faces because he feel bad over the last handful of years. Not one other person has commented. How clueless can you be that these 3 reasons don’t pop into your mind out of common sense?

In closing, people come here to talk, learn, and read all things hunting. Not have this thread bump down there threads of good fortunes or questions each and every single AM. While you think it’s for fun and people enjoy it revert back to my 3 obvious reasons and realize your ignorance. Get involved, give someone a pat on the back, answer a question on here if you want to do something for fun. This surely isn’t it and I am realizing by your post you both just don’t connect the dots in everyday social life. You cannot scroll and ignore what pops up each and everyday with no sustenance and buries the posts of what we all do find fun. There were deer posted on here yesterday. Maybe tell someone congrats on the fruits of there labor. That’s what’s ( for fun )
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 13, 2021, 03:06:02 AM


On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read...
"The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 13, 2021, 05:44:26 AM
 ;)p
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 21, 2021, 04:18:37 AM


A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 22, 2021, 04:14:18 AM


One Sunday a priest announced he was passing out minature crosses made of palm leaves. "Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised. "When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching."

When the parishoners were leaving church, a woman walked up to the priest, shook his hand and said, "I'll take five."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 23, 2021, 07:25:18 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 24, 2021, 05:07:04 AM


A 57-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said," What is it? "
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 25, 2021, 03:56:00 AM


Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner. "Mommy, how old are you?" she asked.
"Now dear," said her mother, "You should never ask a woman what her age is."
"Why not?" demanded Jenny.
"Because it isn't polite. You'll understand better when you grow up."
Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
"Jenny," said her mother, "That's not a question you ask people."
"Why not?" demanded Jenny.
"Because it's not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You'll understand some day."
"Mommy," Jenny asked, "Why did you and Daddy get divorced?"
"Darling," her mother replied with a sigh, "That's something that's still very painful for Mommy, and I really can't talk about it now. I'll explain when you are a little older."
The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, "All you have to do is get a look at your mom's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it."
So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother's purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully. That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, "I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!"
Her mother looked down at her, surprised. "And I know how much you weigh!" said Jenny. "You weigh 135 pounds." "Jenny, where did you learn this?", her mother asked. Jenny just smiled and continued, "And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Her mother just gasped and asked, "Why?"
Jenny replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 25, 2021, 04:25:28 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 26, 2021, 03:33:58 AM


Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager’s office.
“What is the meaning of this?” the manager asked. “When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years’ experience. Now we discover this is the first job you’ve ever had.”

“Well,” the young man said, “in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 26, 2021, 07:13:19 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 27, 2021, 04:06:00 AM


It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.

As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Braun, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.

He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Braun, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."

He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.

He said, "But that's impossible . . . we could never do it. . . yes Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.

"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in Congress."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Sep 27, 2021, 04:26:14 PM
(https://i.postimg.cc/nM8jgrdR/B25-A6086-BC3-E-4-A6-C-B118-47-BBC3-E37-AFD.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 28, 2021, 03:45:12 AM


Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. “Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” he asked his mother.
“He thinks a lot,” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness.

Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, “So why do you have so much hair?”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 28, 2021, 05:48:20 PM
 ;DY
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 30, 2021, 04:06:17 AM


A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 01, 2021, 04:41:10 AM


A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
‘We need a fourth for poker,’ said the friend.
‘I’ll be right over,’ whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, ‘Is it serious?’

‘Oh yes, quite serious,’ said the doctor gravely. ‘In fact, there are three doctors there already!’

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 03, 2021, 06:37:31 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 04, 2021, 04:42:41 AM


The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” “But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 04, 2021, 06:55:28 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 05, 2021, 04:08:15 AM


Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it!

He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary said, "I just peed in the soup!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 05, 2021, 07:25:31 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 06, 2021, 04:24:40 AM

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 06, 2021, 08:02:44 PM
 :D tree
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 07, 2021, 04:33:32 AM


A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 08, 2021, 04:13:27 AM


A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 08, 2021, 07:02:36 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 09, 2021, 05:17:10 AM

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went. When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament.

The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 09, 2021, 06:11:41 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 11, 2021, 06:25:36 AM


Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 12, 2021, 03:23:52 AM


There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."



He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?

She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.

He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 12, 2021, 12:20:25 PM
 ::)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 13, 2021, 03:26:55 AM


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 14, 2021, 06:27:21 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 16, 2021, 05:23:58 AM


A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she look back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again!

Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public in my whole life!" Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it one more time."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 17, 2021, 03:38:11 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 17, 2021, 04:52:33 AM


Mary and Jane are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jane.

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 17, 2021, 06:07:45 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 18, 2021, 04:16:10 AM


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”
Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a rock solid “Trucker’s Wedgie.”
Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver said, “No officer,… I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 19, 2021, 05:20:04 AM


A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 20, 2021, 04:03:39 AM


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"


The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 20, 2021, 06:44:26 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 22, 2021, 05:34:12 AM


While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 22, 2021, 05:39:57 AM
  :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 23, 2021, 04:43:38 AM


The other day I bought a new GPS for old angry people...
It tells other people where to go!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 23, 2021, 06:31:20 AM
Hehe find myself doing that a lot  :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 24, 2021, 04:15:53 AM


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 24, 2021, 05:47:31 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 25, 2021, 03:42:19 AM


In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it nearly always turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them and after hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk to them.
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across from the huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief and quickly said, "We are in big trouble!"

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, big trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 26, 2021, 04:55:26 AM


One day, three unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff. So they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job.

After filing out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired. As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss.

The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job.

Also a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress.

The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it.

The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on.

The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start.

The boss replied, "Why not take them and put them in our Cereal Division...Snap, Crackle and Pop should work out fine down there."


 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 26, 2021, 05:40:37 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 27, 2021, 03:19:08 AM


A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict. The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 27, 2021, 06:12:33 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 29, 2021, 03:51:55 AM


A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."



The man sighed and said: "It's started.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 30, 2021, 04:19:21 AM


I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and they told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that.

Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and the answer was the classic, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 31, 2021, 03:38:14 AM


The good thing about having a husband who never listens is being able to say: "I already told you that."
Whether you did or not, he'll never know the difference.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 01, 2021, 04:41:26 AM


A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 02, 2021, 04:14:07 AM


An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 03, 2021, 03:37:57 AM


An elderly man goes into his doctor’s office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says: "I'm sorry, Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another six weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replies, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment, the doctor says: "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa to take a mud bath every day."

"And that will cure me?" Bill asks excitedly.

"No," replies the doctor: "but it will get you used to the dirt."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 04, 2021, 04:47:19 AM


One day St. Peter saw a street gang walking up to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some low-life street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?"
God relied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Redirect them."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order, but he suddenly came running back and yelling, "God, God, they're gone! They're gone!"
"The street gang?"
"No, the Pearly Gates!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 05, 2021, 03:57:09 AM


Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.


"Johnathan," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains...."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 06, 2021, 04:28:31 AM


Our lager,
Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink,

Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),

At home as it is in the pub.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we will forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.

For ever and ever.

Barmen.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 07, 2021, 04:27:01 AM


A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 08, 2021, 03:39:38 AM


A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.
"Anything from $2 to $2,000."
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.
The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said: "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket."
"How does it work?" asked the customer.
"For $2, it doesn't work," said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 09, 2021, 03:50:04 AM


A blonde woman in Georgia bought a magnolia tree from a local nursery but, after only a few months, its leaves shrivelled and it appeared to be on its last legs. She took some leaf samples back to the nursery and demanded an explanation.
"Oh, I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia tree, ma'am," said the manager.
"Good," she replied. "What is it?"
"Autumn!" he said.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 10, 2021, 04:02:01 AM


The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.
“Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were given $500.00 to throw this case?”
The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.
Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”
“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 11, 2021, 03:38:08 AM


I was traveling with my wife in Kanyakumari, India, one of the windiest places on Earth. Braving our way through the crosswind, we made our way to the tollbooth where I asked a bespectacled attendant, "What do you guys do in Kanyakumari when the wind quits?"
Adjusting his rims, the guy answered, "We take the rocks out of our pockets."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 12, 2021, 04:13:54 AM


Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It laced individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.




"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?

Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 13, 2021, 03:52:40 AM


A man was sitting in his house when he heard a tapping on the door. He went to see who it was. He opened the door and looked around he then heard a tiny voice, "Hey mister, could you lend me 10 bucks?"

The man looked down and saw a snail sitting on his porch. He said, "What do you want?"

The snail said, "Could you lend me 10 bucks?"

The man yelled, "get out of here!" and then kicked him off the porch.

About a year later the man hears a tapping on his door again. He goes out to see who it is. He looks around and he finally heard a tiny voice say, "What did you do that for?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 14, 2021, 04:24:23 AM


A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey lady."
She paused and said," yes?"
The bird said, "you know."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 15, 2021, 04:25:59 AM


A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."     



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 16, 2021, 03:48:45 AM


A government social worker was visiting the Indian reservation for the first time.
A woman was yelling at an old Indian man. The man looked like he could use some help. The social worker walked over and broke up the disturbance by pulling the man aside.
"Hey, that lady sure hates you."
"She no lady. She my wife."
"You don't say. What's her name?"
"Wife name 'Three Horse'."
The social worker smiled. "Now that's a strange name. Three Horse. Yep, that sure is a strange name. How did she get a name like that?"
"Nag nag nag."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 17, 2021, 04:23:23 AM


Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper.

"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.

"Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 18, 2021, 04:50:05 AM


One day, a bear walks into a bar. He sits down at the counter, and the bartender comes over.
"What'll it be?" asks the bartender.
"I'll have a..................................... beer," the bear says.
"Alright, one beer for the bear. But I gotta ask, why the big pause?" asks the bartender.
"I don't know," says the bear. "I was born with them."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 19, 2021, 03:39:32 AM


A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.
After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets 2 shot glasses, filling 1 with water the other with whiskey.

She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.

She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies.

She says "so what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He says "IF I DRINK WHISKEY I WON'T GET WORMS!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 20, 2021, 04:09:13 AM


There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 20, 2021, 05:34:08 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 22, 2021, 04:31:57 AM


Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. One of the bats feels rather hungry. "Let's go and find some blood", he suggests.

"I don't think you can get any blood this time of the day", says the other bat. "Well, I want some blood and I want it now!", says the first bat and prepares to take off. "Are you coming or what?"

"Don't be stupid, you'll just waste your time", says the second bat. So the first bat flies anyway. After a few minutes he is back with blood smeared all over his face.

"Where did you manage to find blood this time of the day?", asks the second bat. "Well, do you see that tree out there?", says the first bat and points at a tree outside the cave, "Do you see that tree?"

"Yes", says the second bat, "of course I see it".

"Well, I didn't", replies the first.



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 22, 2021, 10:41:31 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 23, 2021, 04:47:09 AM

Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend,

"We might as well give up. They are coming after us with flashlights."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 24, 2021, 03:53:59 AM


The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".

Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 25, 2021, 03:39:20 AM


Q: What's the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 26, 2021, 03:46:15 AM


A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 27, 2021, 03:09:55 AM


Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.
"Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.
"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied.
"How was he going to do it?"
"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea."
"So what did he end up with?"
"Ten years in prison."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 28, 2021, 03:12:58 AM


A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. the President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95.00.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 29, 2021, 02:08:01 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 29, 2021, 03:53:23 AM


Things You Should Never Say To A Police Officer
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.



6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

7. Bad cop! No doughnut!

8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on the T.V show Cops?

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 29, 2021, 03:54:33 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/d7Gv2N4X/after-rifle.webp) (https://postimg.cc/d7Gv2N4X)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 30, 2021, 03:34:30 AM


Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.
"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."
"That's from your grandma," said Josh.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 30, 2021, 01:29:32 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 01, 2021, 03:40:28 AM


A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas .With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee".



     Bapper give me a call.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 01, 2021, 02:19:29 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 02, 2021, 03:51:21 AM


Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".

Little Johnny: I is...

Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am."

Little Johnny: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 02, 2021, 12:55:03 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 03, 2021, 04:02:21 AM


A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy" the child said to her mother.

Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 04, 2021, 05:42:46 AM


While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time then said, "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 04, 2021, 06:19:05 AM
 ;D     Make it one piece for me
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 05, 2021, 05:06:36 AM
;D     Make it one piece for me

    HeHe   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 05, 2021, 05:07:07 AM


Once upon a time, in the middle of the ocean, there was the Island of Trid.
It seems that most of the Island of Trid was covered by a large mountain. On this mountain lived a Giant. The Giant did not allow Trids on his mountain. If a Trid dared to climb onto the mountain, the Giant would kick him into the ocean. Trids are notoriously bad swimmers, and frequently drowned when kicked into the ocean.
The Trids were a very sexual people, and the population had grown quite large. Every square inch of the island, except the mountain, was crowded with Trids.
The Trids spent their days crowded together, dreaming of the open space available on the ever visible mountain. Every few days, a Trid would decide he couldn't stand the crowds any more. He would start to climb the mountain, and the Giant would kick the Trid into the ocean.The Trids were a very depressed people.
One day a traveling Rabbi visited the Island of Trid. Despite their overcrowded conditions, the Trids were extremely generous to this man of God.
The Rabbi decided to return the favor, and to go plead the Trid's case to the Giant. "Surely the Giant can be convinced to share some of the mountain with you," the Rabbi explained.
The Trids were horrified. "Please don't go, Rabbi", the Trids implored. "The Giant will kick you into the ocean, and you will surely drown."
The Rabbi was stubborn, and insisted that he talk to the Giant. The Trids sent out every boat they had. They formed a ring around the island, so that they would be able to rescue the Rabbi.
The Rabbi started walking towards the mountain. No sign of the Giant.
He walked through the foothills, and there was no sign of the Giant.
He started up the slopes of the mountain, further than any Trid had ever been. Still no sign of the Giant.
Finally he reached the summit of the mountain. There the Giant was waiting for him. The Rabbi asked "Tell me Giant, why have you allowed me to climb to the top of the mountain, without kicking me off the moment I started climbing?"
And the Giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 05, 2021, 11:23:21 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 06, 2021, 04:03:01 AM


Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything.
Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself.
The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room.
The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left.
Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions.
When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT, opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool.
The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 06, 2021, 12:29:25 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 07, 2021, 03:29:03 AM


Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything.
Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself.
The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room.
The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left.
Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions.
When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT, opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool.
The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 08, 2021, 03:55:46 AM



https://americasbestpics.com/video/YYGOCGB89?s=e (https://americasbestpics.com/video/YYGOCGB89?s=e)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 09, 2021, 04:15:56 AM


After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but it didn't work out and they brought you back."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 09, 2021, 08:01:11 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 10, 2021, 04:10:46 AM


A blonde was driving down the highway when she read a sign saying, "Clean toilets ahead, 10 miles on the left."
She was really late for her appointment since there were 26 toilets to clean.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 10, 2021, 05:46:39 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 11, 2021, 03:35:53 AM


This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!"

She says, "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care...Just get the hell out!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 11, 2021, 05:55:47 AM
 :)   hehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 12, 2021, 03:23:56 AM


A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis.
The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.
The man said, "Cure it, I want to prolong it!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 12, 2021, 04:20:32 PM
HAHA   :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 13, 2021, 03:19:09 AM


Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.

Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.

Patty looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 13, 2021, 06:17:24 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 14, 2021, 04:29:00 AM


Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 14, 2021, 12:38:51 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 16, 2021, 04:11:33 AM


A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."
Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way.

"Now, what was it she wanted?"

The clerk answered, "Snow."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 16, 2021, 06:36:02 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 17, 2021, 04:41:45 AM


Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 17, 2021, 06:58:23 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 18, 2021, 03:59:41 AM


A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 19, 2021, 04:21:57 AM


I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"

When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets.

"That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 19, 2021, 01:34:36 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 20, 2021, 03:20:06 AM

A guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to upset his wife for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.

Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story,

"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"

"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hightailed it back here! Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 20, 2021, 05:47:41 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 21, 2021, 03:28:52 AM


How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 21, 2021, 04:31:33 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 22, 2021, 03:50:35 AM


A drunk gets on a transit bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop. He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus. Still the man is fumbling in his pockets for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus. Next stop, the same thing happens. Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back. A few stops later the drunk exits the the bus from the front.

"Hey", shouts the bus driver... "You didn't pay your fare yet!"

The drunk, reeling, shouts back "And I'm not going to!..... I walked all the way!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 22, 2021, 11:09:44 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 23, 2021, 04:18:56 AM


An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."
"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."
"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 23, 2021, 10:07:29 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 24, 2021, 04:49:08 AM


Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 24, 2021, 06:03:57 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 25, 2021, 04:19:35 AM


December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas.
Some insist on a shirt.
Others insist on a pair of socks.
The argument always ends in a tie.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 26, 2021, 04:03:50 AM


An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler.
He gave her his name. In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"
All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 26, 2021, 05:18:55 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 27, 2021, 03:29:57 AM


A man was watching TV and enjoying a beer. "Don't go," he yelled at the screen. "Do not enter that building. Walk away. Argh, you stupid man!"
His wife called from the kitchen, "What on earth are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 27, 2021, 05:54:56 AM
HAHA  :)  :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 28, 2021, 03:34:55 AM


After 20 years of marriage a husband and wife go to counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife breaks into a passionate tirade of every problem they've ever had.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks over to the wife, makes her stand up and kisses her very hard. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down.
The therapist says to the husband, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
After a moment the husband replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I ice fish."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 28, 2021, 06:09:29 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 29, 2021, 04:32:23 AM


This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 29, 2021, 07:47:13 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 30, 2021, 04:49:08 AM


Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 31, 2021, 04:04:16 AM


During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento
When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 31, 2021, 05:56:43 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 01, 2022, 03:35:48 AM


Mr. Johnson had been waiting entirely too long at the doctor's office. His appointment was for 9:00 and it was nearly 10:30. Finally, an attractive nurse appeared at the waiting room door and said, "Let's go get a room."
"Honey, I appreciate the offer," he said, "but I've been waiting so long I'd hate to lose my spot now!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 02, 2022, 03:47:38 AM


A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slowly. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt.

A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

"What's going on?" she yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 02, 2022, 12:59:38 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 03, 2022, 03:44:58 AM


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 04, 2022, 03:59:54 AM


Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 04, 2022, 06:55:05 AM
  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 05, 2022, 03:41:19 AM


The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.


"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"


Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 05, 2022, 06:29:49 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 06, 2022, 04:39:16 AM


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, John, what was your toast?" John Said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 06, 2022, 06:33:22 PM
 ;
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 07, 2022, 03:46:10 AM


A young pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce himself to the new congregation. He rang the first door bell and a lady came to the door. She stared at him as he introduced himself.
She said, “I can't believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country music singer.”
He replied, “Yes, ma’am, I hear that a lot.”
He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing—that he looked like Conway Twitty.
At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and screamed, “Conway Twitty!”
The pastor stood there, stunned. Then he said, “Hello, darling!”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 07, 2022, 06:59:22 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 08, 2022, 04:35:14 AM


A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch.
The little boy left the table to use the restroom by himself. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, "Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 08, 2022, 06:03:35 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 09, 2022, 03:38:54 AM


A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The
interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can

you tell us your age, please?'

The blonde counts

carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before

replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'

The interviewer tries

another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you

tell us your height, please?'

The young lady stands up

and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then

traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top

of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five

foot two!'

This isn't looking good so the interviewer

goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our

records, your name please?'

The blonde bobs her head

from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing

something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!'

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so

he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your

counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the

measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you

doing when we asked you your name?'

'Ohh that!',

replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy

birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 09, 2022, 06:38:12 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 10, 2022, 04:08:37 AM


As a senior citizen on a fixed income I realize that the days of cheap cell phones are over...
Now, if I fall and hear a crack, I am hoping it's my leg and not my cell phone.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 10, 2022, 06:40:52 AM
  :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 11, 2022, 04:19:53 AM


Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?" The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue." The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern." "Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 11, 2022, 12:18:14 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 12, 2022, 03:33:44 AM


An elderly couple visits their grown-up grandson one night. While in the bathroom, Grandpa discovers a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's medicine cupboard.

"I don't think you should take one of those," says the grandson when his grandpa asks him about them: "They're pretty expensive."

"How much?" asks the old timer.

"$20 a pill," replies the grandson.

"I'd still like to try one," says the old man: "Before we go in the morning I'll leave the money under the pillow in the guest room."

The next day the grandson goes into the guest room, and lifts the pillow to find $120. Puzzled, he calls his grandpa. "Grandpa, I told you the pills were $20 each!" he says.

"I know," says the old man: "The extra $100 is from your grandma!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 12, 2022, 06:00:49 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 13, 2022, 04:12:19 AM


One day, a bear walks into a bar. He sits down at the counter, and the bartender comes over.
"What'll it be?" asks the bartender.
"I'll have a....................... beer," the bear says.
"Alright, one beer for the bear. But I gotta ask, why the big pause?" asks the bartender.
"I don't know," says the bear. "I was born with them."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 13, 2022, 09:49:49 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 14, 2022, 03:31:38 AM


Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know
his wife until he marries her”
Dad: That happens in every country, son

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 14, 2022, 04:59:09 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 15, 2022, 04:22:50 AM

 10 Commandments of Marriage
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 16, 2022, 04:46:36 AM


"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 16, 2022, 07:37:21 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 17, 2022, 04:26:51 AM


A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."
The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well.
"Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king." She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works.
After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.
The husband is wide awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed.
He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers.
She rolls over and again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.
Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers.

She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning!!!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 17, 2022, 02:38:24 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 18, 2022, 04:40:51 AM


After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her.
He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes.
On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan.
The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?
Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. How much do I owe you?
The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty.
The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor.
Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hand the groom four dollars and fifty cents.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 18, 2022, 09:36:28 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 19, 2022, 05:32:16 AM


"Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked the patient.
"I just can't seem to lose the weight," the patient said. "Must be an overactive thyroid."
"The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it's your fork."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 20, 2022, 03:35:12 AM


A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows"
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 21, 2022, 04:04:53 AM


A man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The horse died.”
Donald replied, “Well, then just give me back my money.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Donald said, “Ok, then just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Donald said, “Sure I can! Watch me.
A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2495.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 21, 2022, 12:52:07 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 22, 2022, 04:22:24 AM


A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE".

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, YOU wear the same size as our bed!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 23, 2022, 03:47:16 AM


Research shows that men, on average, speak about 10,000 words per day, and women speak about 40,000.
What the research doesn’t tell you is that it’s not that women are actually saying four times as much, they just have to repeat everything that many times because men don’t listen.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 23, 2022, 05:59:46 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 26, 2022, 04:05:31 AM


Age is a funny thing....
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"

"I'm 4 and half."

You're never 36 and a half, but you're 4 and a half going on 5! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number.

"How old are you?"

"I'm gonna be 16."

You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sounds like a ceremony--you BECOME 21. YES!!!!

But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong?? What changed???

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40...stay over there, it's all slipping away...

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50...my dreams are gone...

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 and then you MAKE IT to 60...Whew! I didn't think I'd make it.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, You're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, and by then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80s, you HIT lunch. I mean my grandmother won't even buy green bananas, "Well it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."

And it doesn't end there...Into the 90's, you start going backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again: I'm 100 and a half!!

Age is a funny thing.



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 26, 2022, 11:33:43 PM
   :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 27, 2022, 04:26:50 AM


The other day, Donna and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Louise finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.'
'Fine.' I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.'
I grinned and replied, 'You're right.'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 27, 2022, 05:23:36 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 29, 2022, 04:23:08 AM


A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 29, 2022, 11:27:02 PM
 ;D l
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 30, 2022, 04:05:15 AM


A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 30, 2022, 05:35:54 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 31, 2022, 03:42:08 AM
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question - worth 500 points!

"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."

The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.

"Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"

The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do,) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"

"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 01, 2022, 04:48:29 AM


A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 01, 2022, 02:08:56 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 02, 2022, 04:42:42 AM


Two Iranians met in California. One started to greet the other in the language of their mother country.
The other Iranian motioned for him to stop and said, "We're in America now. Speak Spanish!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 02, 2022, 06:28:39 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 03, 2022, 05:03:44 AM


I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 03, 2022, 06:14:06 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 04, 2022, 03:56:17 AM


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 04, 2022, 01:58:21 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 05, 2022, 04:05:15 AM


While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 05, 2022, 10:31:14 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 06, 2022, 03:30:17 AM


Children Are Quick to answer questions

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
____________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
____________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
____________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 06, 2022, 05:29:51 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 10, 2022, 04:18:41 AM


A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."   



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 10, 2022, 07:09:40 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 11, 2022, 04:09:55 AM


Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 11, 2022, 06:37:21 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 13, 2022, 03:29:33 AM

Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.
"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."
Mr. Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"
The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 13, 2022, 04:06:14 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 14, 2022, 04:37:26 AM


What do you say to your single friends on Valentine’s Day?
Happy Independence Day!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 14, 2022, 05:51:53 AM
 ;D happy v day
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 15, 2022, 05:16:44 AM


I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 15, 2022, 04:45:09 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 16, 2022, 03:30:53 AM


A letter to dad.....
Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you like you can $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

*****************************************

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even a hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 16, 2022, 07:42:04 AM
 ;)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 17, 2022, 04:15:47 AM


The minister and his wife place an ad for a butler. Early the next morning a nicely dressed young man appears at their front door. The minister asks him, "Can you fix breakfast by 7:00 a.m. every day?"
"Well ... I guess I can."
"And can you make the beds, dust the living room, do the dishes, cut the grass, and polish the silver also?"
"Gee, Sir, I just came by to see about getting married. But if it's going to be that much work, you can count me out!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 17, 2022, 06:09:08 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 18, 2022, 05:11:31 AM


A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy obliges and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the same guy driving around with the truck full of penguins again. This time, though, all the penguins are wearing sunglasses.

The police officer pulls the guy over and says, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies, "I did, and today I'm taking them to the beach."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 18, 2022, 06:23:27 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 19, 2022, 04:31:47 AM


Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry cleaning business next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 19, 2022, 06:27:10 PM
  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 20, 2022, 03:39:44 AM


A man sits down at a bar and orders a double martini. After he finishes, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another double martini. The barman says: "I'll bring you martinis all night but why do you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 20, 2022, 04:39:35 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 21, 2022, 04:28:34 AM


A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates.

"Show me what you got, Pete," said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.



"We've got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch" said Tex.

St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.

"We've got that, too. We call it Six Flags."

Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous.

"We don't have that," said Tex, "but we've got a guy in Houston who can put it out."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 21, 2022, 05:00:05 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 22, 2022, 03:09:05 AM


Three nuns die and go to heaven, at the pearly gates they are confronted by Saint Peter who says "Well girls before you can get into heaven you must answer a question." Saint Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?" She says, "Oh that's easy, that was Adam." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven.

So Saint Peter asks the second nun "Who was the first woman on earth?" She says "Oh that's easy that was Eve." Same thing happens - birds sing, bells ring, and she goes into heaven.

So Saint Peter says to the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She sits and thinks for awhile and says "Boy that's a hard one." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 22, 2022, 06:24:40 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 23, 2022, 05:14:34 AM


Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.

"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 23, 2022, 06:50:01 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 24, 2022, 04:33:55 AM


An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.

"Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional, schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 24, 2022, 05:00:39 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 25, 2022, 04:17:51 AM


A Doctor was addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 25, 2022, 05:54:46 PM
 ;DP
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 26, 2022, 04:47:02 AM


A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.



After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 26, 2022, 06:27:37 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 27, 2022, 04:37:53 AM


When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.
"Oh, you're four," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?"
The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 27, 2022, 02:17:54 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 01, 2022, 04:03:04 AM


One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally
fell from a bridge into a very cold river.

Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident.

Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and

dragged the wet president out of

the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of

the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it,

I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to

Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.



"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the

grateful defender of the Western Hemisphere.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the

third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not

handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 01, 2022, 05:51:12 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 03, 2022, 04:59:32 AM


Halfway through dinner one night, our friend told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman.
“Did you play sports in college,” his wife then asked me.
“Yes,” I answered. “I was on West Point’s shooting team.”
“That’s great,” she said, appropriately impressed. “Offense or defense?”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 04, 2022, 03:59:48 AM


One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Three?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what youare about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"Well it....no, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 05, 2022, 03:36:38 AM


A cute little girl walks into a pet store and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 05, 2022, 05:11:02 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 06, 2022, 04:55:39 AM

President Clinton walks into a restaurant and is seated at one of the finest tables. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a short skirt and legs that won't quit comes to his table.

"What would you like, Mr. President?" Clinton looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, and answers, "A quickie."

The waitress stomps off in total disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again: "What would you like, Mr. President?" Again Clinton thoroughly checks her out and again answers: "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A Secret Service agent, sitting at the next table, leans over and whispers, "Um, Mr. President, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 06, 2022, 07:04:33 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 07, 2022, 04:54:07 AM


Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 08, 2022, 03:59:45 AM


Things  My Mom Would Never Say

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 08, 2022, 05:49:28 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 10, 2022, 03:29:19 AM


A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 10, 2022, 10:50:43 PM
 :)  put them on
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 12, 2022, 04:16:03 AM


An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the husband's examination, the doctor then said to him, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly wife, the doctor said to her, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied.

"That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 13, 2022, 03:41:57 AM


For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 14, 2022, 04:50:37 AM


Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.
After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.
She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"
"Yes, I'm the chip monk."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 15, 2022, 03:45:55 AM


Wife orders the husband to go to mother-in-law to pick her up for her doctor's appointment.
The husband drove to mother-in-law's house and saw her busy chattering
with the neighbor's young wife. He came and reminded her of doctor's appointment and ask her to be quick.
The mother-in-law would not give up blabbering to the neighbor so after couple reminders the husband came held her from the arm and drag her to the car saying, "Sorry mom you can't miss your health appointment, I had to do it."

The mother-in-law defended, "You know that woman, she simply would not stop listening to me."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 18, 2022, 05:02:24 AM


Morton was reading the paper after breakfast when he came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.

He turned to his wife with a questioning look on his face and said: "I'll never understand why the biggest j*rks get the most attractive wives."

His wife smiled and replied: "Why thank you, dear!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 20, 2022, 04:34:50 AM


A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 21, 2022, 04:54:35 AM


Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 22, 2022, 04:36:28 AM
 

    Men's Rules for life


1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
11. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine . . . . Really.
19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or tanks.
20. You have enough clothes.
21. You have too many shoes.
22.Every dish can be improved with bacon.
23.Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom "the little boys room."
24.Women who sound sexy on the phone weigh 350 pounds.
25.No talking at the urinal.
26.A man may own exactly one pair of holiday-themed boxers.
27.Never date a woman whose father calls her "princess."
28.A PBS tote bag does not make you an intellectual.
29.The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.
30.Real men don't dance.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 24, 2022, 04:10:02 AM


What do you call a dog that won’t come when you call it, refuses to sleep in it’s bed, and seldom wants to play?
A cat.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 25, 2022, 04:31:34 AM


A woman goes away on vacation and has her brother watch her cat. On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her that the cat is dead.
The woman immediately goes into hysterics, really upset and says, "You can't tell a person bad news like that. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be ok. The third day you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day the brother calls the woman up and says, "I have news."
"What?"
"Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down ..."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 25, 2022, 06:32:28 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 28, 2022, 05:08:06 AM


Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?"

"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their ain't no boat, and I don’t swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"
Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 31, 2022, 03:55:07 AM


A women is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.
"This is the middle school calling about your son Johnny. He's been caught telling unbelievable lies."
"I'll say he has," the woman replies, "I don't have a son."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 01, 2022, 04:28:44 AM


A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.One little boy raises his hand, 'I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.''Very good, William,' cooed the teacher.'My mommy had a baby,' said little Esther. 'Oh, that's nice,' replied the teacher.Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.'I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.'The teacher was relieved but puzzled, 'And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?''It'll teach those Indians not to 'screw' with the Lone Ranger.'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 02, 2022, 04:37:34 AM


A man who was chosen for jury duty really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench. "Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied: "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 04, 2022, 04:07:27 AM


A woman goes to see her doctor and explains that every time she sneezes, she has a massive climax.

"Are you taking anything for it?" her doctor asks.

"Yes," she replies: "Pepper."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 06, 2022, 04:14:11 AM


Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 07, 2022, 04:35:03 AM


One night at the dinner table, a wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more..."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 08, 2022, 03:55:01 AM


It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 09, 2022, 04:49:54 AM


An old doctor went way out to the boon-docks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said.

"He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 09, 2022, 07:51:39 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 10, 2022, 04:39:07 AM


A college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."

Submitted by Curtis

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 10, 2022, 05:20:03 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 11, 2022, 03:37:01 AM

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full ofgolf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked. "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 12, 2022, 04:22:41 AM


A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you"


The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked,

"How many times?".

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 13, 2022, 04:28:48 AM

An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing. Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs. When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, she goes back to her book.

Her husband, puzzled, asks, "What was that for?"

She replied, "That was for 50 years of bad sex."

They both go back to their books, and a few minutes later, the husband looks at his wife and whacks her across the head, he goes back to reading his book.

The wife, also puzzled asks him, "What was that for?"

Not looking up from his book the husband answers, "That is for knowing the difference."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 14, 2022, 04:21:20 AM


A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea....let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good", he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 15, 2022, 04:10:47 AM


A man and his wife were having some problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he'd need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper: "Please wake me at 5 a.m."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he'd missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and scream at his wife when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed that said: "It's 5 a.m. Wake up.



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 16, 2022, 04:11:00 AM


Joe said, "Know what, Charlie? I killed 5 flies yesterday, 3 males and 2 females."

"How could you tell them apart, Joe?" asked Charlie.

Joe replied, "That was easy. The 3 males were sitting on a case of beer and the 2 females were on the phone."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 17, 2022, 04:24:03 AM


A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build anormal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 18, 2022, 04:16:50 AM


A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life.
One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker than you could!"
So they all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear.
They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."
The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."
Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision...."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 21, 2022, 04:25:04 AM

The traveling salesman's car broke down in the country and he knocked on the farmhouse door. When the farmer opened the door, the salesman said, "Sir, my car has broken down, and I was wondering if you might be able to put me up for the night?"

The farmer said, "Why, sure, but you will have to sleep with my son."

The salesman hesitated then said, "Excuse me, sir, but I think I'm in the wrong joke."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 22, 2022, 03:57:58 AM

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: 'What does the cow say?'
Child: 'Moooo!'
Mother: 'Great! What does the cat say?'
Child: 'Meow.'

Mother: 'Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?'
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, 'Bud.'


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 23, 2022, 03:32:48 AM


Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference.
There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.

One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.

When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

"Where ya been?"

he slurred.

"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 24, 2022, 03:54:22 AM


The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said...

"I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades.... somebody is going to get a spanking....".

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 25, 2022, 06:07:37 AM


What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 26, 2022, 03:31:37 AM


I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try.

I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat-free."

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 27, 2022, 03:56:00 AM


Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 27, 2022, 08:38:43 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 28, 2022, 04:40:08 AM

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great! We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake-he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 28, 2022, 01:28:30 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 29, 2022, 03:54:48 AM


A screaming, yelling mob were tearing up the High Street.
A policeman stops one runner, and asks, "What's happening?"
"A lion has escaped," he gasps.
"Which way did it go?" enquires the bobby.
"Well we're not bloody chasing it!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 30, 2022, 07:32:12 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 02, 2022, 04:25:46 AM


Smoking will kill you.
Bacon will kill you.
But smoking bacon will cure it!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 02, 2022, 09:14:40 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 03, 2022, 05:23:33 AM


Tom tried to calm himself down in the middle of a severe argument with his wife Janie. He said to her, “Let us not fight any more. We should try to sort this out in a level-headed manner.”
Fuming with anger, Janie replied, “No. Whenever we try to sort things out in a level-headed manner, I lose!”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 03, 2022, 01:08:19 PM
Yes sir  :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 04, 2022, 03:39:34 AM


After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 05, 2022, 04:17:24 AM


A fellow’s wife was very worried about her husband’s heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone.

“Ooooooo!” she wailed, “I am the devil!”

Her husband sticks out his hand. “Put it there, pal,” he says, “I’m married to your sister.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 05, 2022, 04:19:46 AM


When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 05, 2022, 07:17:38 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 06, 2022, 04:07:45 AM


Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 07, 2022, 04:32:45 AM


A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 08, 2022, 03:12:32 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 08, 2022, 04:25:35 AM


Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 09, 2022, 05:14:27 AM


Two Iranians met in California. One started to greet the other in the language of their mother country.
The other Iranian motioned for him to stop and said, "We're in America now. Speak Spanish!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 10, 2022, 02:31:57 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 10, 2022, 04:37:14 AM


A teacher says, “Okay, class. Today we’re going to be talking about the tenses. If I say ‘I’m beautiful,’ which tense is it?”

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “Obviously past tense, Miss.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 11, 2022, 04:33:28 AM


A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. she stopped in the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. she instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.
the stylist replied "no" so the blond left. she went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. the stylist replied "ok".
after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. the stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. they were saying, "breath in, breath out"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 11, 2022, 08:43:30 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 12, 2022, 04:27:05 AM


Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and..

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 12, 2022, 09:11:36 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 15, 2022, 04:12:54 AM


An old codger goes to visit his doctor about painful peeing. His wife goes with him because the poor old bloke is hard of hearing.

After an examination the Doctor says to the old man, "Right, I'll need you to leave a urine, semen and feces samples for analysis."

The old man didn't quite hear the Doctor and asks his wife, "What did the Doctor say?"

The wife replies, "He wants you to leave your underpants here, dear."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 15, 2022, 05:24:40 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 17, 2022, 04:27:25 AM


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What did he say?"
"He said: 'Where did you get the crappy hairdo?'"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 17, 2022, 07:09:38 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 19, 2022, 04:09:50 AM


Two babies lies in the birth section

Baby 1: I'm a boy.
Baby 2: prove it.
Baby 1: Not in front of the nurse.
Baby 2: Okay The nurse leaves
Baby 2: Prove it.
Baby 1: Look, blue socks...

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 19, 2022, 04:13:47 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 20, 2022, 05:05:34 AM


An old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. He then unwrapped the burger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking: "That poor old couple -- all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine -- they were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time, the old woman said: "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked: "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered: "The teeth."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 20, 2022, 05:17:50 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 23, 2022, 04:15:14 AM


Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.

The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"

The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."

The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"

The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."

Hearing this, the second one started crying.

The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"

Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 24, 2022, 02:23:59 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 24, 2022, 05:04:25 AM


One day, a man was walking down the street when he saw a genie lamp in a nearby alley. Excitedly, he picked it up and rubbed it. A genie came out and said, "I will grant you three wishes, Master!"

The man was so happy, his first wish was, "I want a billion dollars!!!!!!"

"Your wish has been granted, a billion dollars is now in your bank account."

The man was even happier. "I want a beautiful woman!"

"Your wish has been granted," the genie said and a beautiful woman appeared!

"This is great!" said the man. Not wanting to waste his last wish, he decided to think about it for awhile longer. "I can't think of another wish right now, can I tell you later?"

"Make it so, whenever you say your wish, it will be granted."

The next day, the man was driving down the road, as happy as ever. He heard a popular commercial song on the radio and decided to sing along with it.

"Oooooh, I wish I were an Oscar-Mayer weinerrr......"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 24, 2022, 12:31:31 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 26, 2022, 04:25:57 AM


A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 27, 2022, 02:12:47 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 27, 2022, 04:10:50 AM


A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field." A little while later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking, "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked..."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 27, 2022, 04:38:10 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 29, 2022, 04:34:18 AM

An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pigmy standing beside a huge dead elephant. "Did you kill that?" he asked. The pigmy answered: "Yes". "How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?"
"I killed it with my club" replied the pigmy.
"That's amazing," said the explorer. "How big's your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 150 of us"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 30, 2022, 04:21:08 AM


Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?"

asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"

asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?"

asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 30, 2022, 06:46:41 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 31, 2022, 03:55:50 AM


An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take your kid to work Day'.
As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky.
Her father asked what was wrong.
As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 31, 2022, 05:59:22 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 01, 2022, 04:16:39 AM


The new associate pastor, nervous about hearing confessions asks an older priest to listen in. Several penitents later, his mentor offers a few suggestions. “Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand,” he says. “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on. I understand. How did you feel about that? ”The new priest tries out the words and gestures. The old priest says, “Good, now, don’t you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, ‘No way! You did what?'"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 01, 2022, 07:07:29 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 02, 2022, 04:47:16 AM


The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"



The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to piss anyone off."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 03, 2022, 03:54:11 AM


A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a sparrow.
He pulled over, picked the poor sparrow who was still alive, but unconscious. He decided to take him home.
When the motorist got home, he put the sparrow in a cage, leaving him some bread and water inside.
When the sparrow came back to life, he looked around and said, "Bars, bread, water... Oh my God! I have killed the motorist!!!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 03, 2022, 11:32:00 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 04, 2022, 04:18:20 AM


A newly ordained deacon was asked to hold a graveside service for someone with no family or friends. It was his first official assignment, so he eagerly agreed. Taking his duties very seriously, the deacon let early the next morning for the cemetery. However, he made several wrong turns and quickly got himself lost. When he finally arrived more than an hour late, the hearse was nowhere to be seen and the two workmen were eating lunch. The deacon got out of his car, quickly threw on his vestments, and hurried to the open grave. Looking into the pit, he saw that the vault lid was already in place. With a sign, he took out his prayer book and read the burial service. After he had left, one of the workmen said to the other, “Maybe we should have told him he just blessed a septic tank.”


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 04, 2022, 05:21:34 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 05, 2022, 04:28:11 AM


A religious education class was almost finished making their models of the nativity scene and one little boy had done a lovely job. Some animals, Mary, Joseph, three wise men, and shepherds were all there. However, the teacher noticed an extra, rather overweight man in the scene as well. “Who is that person?” she asked. “Oh, that’s Round John Virgin.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 05, 2022, 06:35:19 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 06, 2022, 03:30:48 AM


An Easterner was riding with a rancher over a blistering and almost barren stretch of West Texas, when a strange bird scurried in front of them.
Asked by the Easterner what the bird was, the rancher replied, "That's a bird of paradise."
The stranger from the East rode on in silence for a moment, then said, "Long way from home, isn't it?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 06, 2022, 08:35:04 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 07, 2022, 04:01:23 AM


Harry was shipwrecked on a deserted island. For several months, he longed for someone to talk to; searched the horizons for even the suggestion of a ship.

One day, his commitment was rewarded: A beautiful woman was washed up onto the beach, floating on a large steamer trunk. Harry got her all settled, and fed, and dried off and they started talking.

April asked Harry, "what is something you've REALLY missed being out here on a desserted island for so long?"

"A clean shirt," was Harry's response. With a huff, April reached into the steamer trunk and tossed Harry a shirt.

April let out a short huff, but persevered: "Surely there's SOMETHING you've really missed out here...all alone...on an island with NOBODY all this time?"

"Oh wow, YEAH, there sure is: I'd REALLY like a dry pillow to sleep on."

April reached into her steamer trunk once again and tossed Harry a pillow; and she would not be put off. Striking her most alluring pose, she asked in her most provocative voice, "C'mon, Harry, wouldn't you like to play around?"

Harry got all excited and started jumping up and down. "Don't tell me you have a set of GOLF CLUBS in there, too?!???!?!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 07, 2022, 09:29:23 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 08, 2022, 04:19:53 AM


After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.

"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 08, 2022, 05:44:40 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 09, 2022, 04:13:30 AM


An elderly couple who are both widowed have been courting for a long time.

They decide it's finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they go out to dinner and talk about how their marriage might work.

They discuss finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the man broaches the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asks, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," replies the old lady.

The old gentleman sits quietly for a moment, adjusts his glasses, leans over towards her and whispers: "Is that one word or two?"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 09, 2022, 06:53:16 PM
  :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 10, 2022, 05:00:16 AM


Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 11, 2022, 07:54:43 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 12, 2022, 04:30:04 AM


Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it? ”“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests. ”“I don’t mean that,” the deacon replied. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”“ Oh sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 12, 2022, 02:50:43 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 13, 2022, 04:33:28 AM


So I walked into a this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent. I said: So, are you two girls from Scotland?

One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"

So I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two Whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 13, 2022, 05:00:49 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 14, 2022, 03:33:26 AM


Joe is at the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted while St. Peter is leafing through his files to see if Joe is worthy of entry.

"Joe," says St. Pete, "I can't see that you've done anything really bad in your life but I can't see that you've done anything really good that would qualify you for Heaven. Can you tell me ANY good deed you've ever done?"
Joe thinks for a moment and says "Sure. I was driving through a bad part of town when I saw about 50 biker guys assaulting this poor girl. I slammed on my brakes, grabbed a tire iron, and walked up to this big guy who seemed to be the leader. All these guys let the girl run away and they formed a circle around me to see what I was gonna do. I laid that tire iron right across his head and he dropped like a stone. Then I turned and yelled to the rest of them "If I ever see you guys around this town again, I'll give you a real lesson in pain."

"Wow" says St. Peter, "I guess you really do qualify for Heaven. Tell me, when did this happen?"

"Oh", says Joe, "about two minutes ago."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 14, 2022, 05:15:22 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 15, 2022, 04:28:52 AM


A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married ?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl .. the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 15, 2022, 02:40:36 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 16, 2022, 04:30:50 AM


"And will there be anything else, sir ?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

"No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.

"Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 17, 2022, 04:25:34 AM


A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 17, 2022, 06:25:48 AM
  :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 18, 2022, 03:48:31 AM


A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"
"Simple", replied the Priest...
"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 18, 2022, 06:00:05 AM
 ;D j
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 19, 2022, 05:15:16 AM


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 20, 2022, 12:08:04 PM
 ;D hi
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 21, 2022, 04:34:35 AM


An egg and a chicken sit in a doctor’s waiting room.
A nurse walks out of the office and asks, “Alright, which one of you came first?”
“Seriously!” shouts the chicken. ”Here, too?!”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 22, 2022, 04:40:44 AM


A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 22, 2022, 06:27:26 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 24, 2022, 04:25:27 AM


God asks asks Adam how he's doing, - "Well, it's ok but I am abit lonely".

"Ok" God answers. - "Let's do something about it. I can give you the most wonderful and satisfactory being and friend you'll ever need you'll never be lonely again, and you'll have everything you ever need".

"But it means I need your arm and leg to create that being".

Adam ponders and isn't willing to sacrifice his arm and leg. -"Ok" God says again.

"With only your leg, I can make a nice and welcoming partner for you, giving you no grief only happiness"

Adam ponders again - he is rather lonely but really wants his leg.


"What can I get for one of my rib bones ?" Adam finally replies



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 25, 2022, 02:43:55 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 25, 2022, 04:38:34 AM


Two secretaries were talking about their work.
"I hate filing," said one. "No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I'm looking for. I forget where I have filed them."
"I used to have that problem too, but no more," her blonde friend said. "Now I make 26 copies of everything I type and file one under each letter of the alphabet. That way, I can't miss it!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 25, 2022, 04:48:38 AM
 ;Dout
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 29, 2022, 03:59:01 AM


I went to see my doctor this morning. “Some one decided to graffiti my house last night!” I raged.
“So why are you telling me?” the doctor asked.
“I can't understand the writing,” I replied. “Was it you?”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 29, 2022, 04:10:12 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 30, 2022, 04:34:34 AM


The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.
"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.
"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed.
"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 30, 2022, 04:38:21 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 01, 2022, 04:46:37 AM


A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother.

She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 01, 2022, 05:16:56 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 04, 2022, 04:59:25 AM


A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 05, 2022, 03:50:12 AM


A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 05, 2022, 06:31:01 AM
  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 06, 2022, 03:54:26 AM


When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one
of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when

the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the

store to hear, "Price check on Tampax, supersize please."

As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the

store misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the

intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb

or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 06, 2022, 11:48:10 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 07, 2022, 04:25:04 AM


What a woman Really Means

I need = I want

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...

I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

I was wrong = Not as wrong as you

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 07, 2022, 09:37:32 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 08, 2022, 04:04:11 AM


When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 08, 2022, 04:59:03 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 10, 2022, 04:09:25 AM


A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful. The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 10, 2022, 05:03:57 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 11, 2022, 03:59:07 AM


During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 11, 2022, 07:49:01 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 12, 2022, 04:06:49 AM


A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 13, 2022, 04:07:45 AM


A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 13, 2022, 07:44:33 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 14, 2022, 04:49:10 AM


Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight.
“Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spell-checker comes free with your Microsoft program.”
A minute later came his reply, “Must be dephective.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 14, 2022, 12:18:54 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 16, 2022, 04:04:56 AM


A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."   

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 16, 2022, 04:37:21 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 17, 2022, 04:17:18 AM


An interim school superintendent, speaking at a city-wide PTA luncheon, assured members that he was always happy to hear from them about problems. He told them, "You can call me day or night, at this number . . ."
Suddenly there was a cry from the assistant superintendent. "Hey," he exclaimed, "that's MY number!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 17, 2022, 08:35:13 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 19, 2022, 04:33:20 AM


Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 19, 2022, 05:16:35 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 20, 2022, 03:26:51 AM


A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.



"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HORSE?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 21, 2022, 04:47:51 AM


Husband and wife were having a discussion about their in-laws. The wife declares that she "hates" her in-laws.
The husband replies, "I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 21, 2022, 05:14:53 AM
  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 22, 2022, 05:06:59 AM


Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"
Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."
"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.
Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to." 



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 24, 2022, 04:40:35 AM


The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 25, 2022, 04:07:53 AM


There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 25, 2022, 11:59:27 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 26, 2022, 03:54:21 AM


A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm.

The Agent salutes and says, "Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir."



Clinton smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks. I got this one for Hillary, and I got this one for Chelsea."

The Agent says, "Good trade, sir."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 26, 2022, 03:59:57 AM
   ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 27, 2022, 03:49:53 AM


It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 28, 2022, 04:26:56 AM


A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 28, 2022, 04:52:44 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 29, 2022, 04:44:07 AM


Bill and Hilary were driving through Little Rock, and when they passed by a gas station a big man yelled 'Hi Hilary' and Hilary said 'Hi Bubba'.

Bill asked 'who was that?' And Hilary told him it was a old high school boyfriend. Bill said, 'See if you married him you would be married to a gas station attendant, but you married me now you're the first lady.'

And Hilary told him, 'If I married him he would be the president, and you would be the gas station attendant.'



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 29, 2022, 04:52:49 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 30, 2022, 04:36:47 AM

The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny’s turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy. ”“That was a very misguided thing to do, my son,” said the priest patiently. “It wasn’t misguided at all,” said Little Johnny. “I hit him.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 31, 2022, 03:43:45 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 31, 2022, 04:12:35 AM


A man of eighty-one yells with joy as the nurse comes in and tells him that his twenty-year-old bride just gave birth to a baby. The man muses, "I wonder if I could do it again."
Another expectant father answers, "What makes you think you did it the first time?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 31, 2022, 04:45:45 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 01, 2022, 05:29:50 AM


A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home." 


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 02, 2022, 05:29:31 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 04, 2022, 04:38:55 AM


A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.

St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's President Biden's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 04, 2022, 02:50:06 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 05, 2022, 04:46:36 AM


Prison vs. Work

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 05, 2022, 04:50:05 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 07, 2022, 04:36:43 AM


During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level

He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.' Inspired by the story, the doctor said, 'You must be one hell of an outdoors man!' 'NAH,' he replied, 'I'm just a lousy golfer.'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 07, 2022, 05:21:51 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 09, 2022, 04:19:26 AM


A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue."

The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Whirling Walter!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 09, 2022, 05:42:18 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 10, 2022, 05:04:51 AM


A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword."
The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and stabs himself to death.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-his stomach, sides, and his chest. There is blood gushing out all over.
The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe, you stupid jerk!" 



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 10, 2022, 05:14:07 AM
   :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 11, 2022, 04:15:02 AM


A man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."


The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 11, 2022, 05:51:50 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 12, 2022, 04:23:02 AM


A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.
The guy says, "No, ma'am."
She says, "Well, do you have any dates?"
And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 14, 2022, 04:34:47 AM


After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 14, 2022, 12:06:21 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 15, 2022, 04:09:46 AM


A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to reception, she hammers on the bell.

Yes, says the receptionist irritably.

Excuse me, says the woman, but I'm in a frightful hurry, could you check me out, please?

The clerk stares at her, looks her up and down. Not bad, he smiles, not bad at all.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 16, 2022, 04:12:23 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 16, 2022, 05:10:55 AM


Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it? ”“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests. ”“I don’t mean that,” the deacon replied. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”“ Oh sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 16, 2022, 05:19:56 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 17, 2022, 03:51:41 AM


A man was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the life imprisonment. His brother found out that an Irish man was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the Irish man that he would be paid £10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.


After the trial, the brother went to the Irish man's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the £10,000.
The Irish man replied, "It wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him off."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 17, 2022, 08:35:00 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 18, 2022, 03:28:15 AM


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night? 



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 19, 2022, 03:47:14 AM


A group of four-year-olds were being questioned by their teacher in a Sunday School class. Looking across at those bright little faces, the teacher asked this question: "Does anyone know what today is?" A little girl held up her hand and said, "Yes, today is Palm Sunday." "That's fantastic!" the teacher said. "Now does anyone know what next Sunday is?" The same little girl lifted her hand. "Yes," she said, "next Sunday is Easter Sunday. "The teacher was all smiles. "Oh, very good. Now...does anyone know what makes next Sunday Easter? "On a roll the same little girl responded, "Yes, next Sunday is Easter because Jesus rose from the grave." Before the impressed teacher could congratulate her, however, the girl added, "but if He sees His shadow, He has to go back in for seven weeks."-

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 19, 2022, 05:00:50 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 20, 2022, 03:57:35 AM


Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 20, 2022, 06:44:23 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 21, 2022, 04:03:16 AM


Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"


So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen." Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

"I say, Sem Ting."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 21, 2022, 04:48:26 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 23, 2022, 03:50:09 AM

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 23, 2022, 04:13:46 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 24, 2022, 04:43:33 AM


Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the Doctor after his wife Suzy's urging.
After a thorough examination, and much thought, the Doctor was ready to tell Harry and a very worried Suzy, his prognosis: Harry was too stressed out. He would need 6 months of pure relaxation.
Suzy, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation.
"How should I go about it?" asked Harry.
"OK," said the doctor, "I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day..."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 25, 2022, 05:19:59 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 27, 2022, 05:12:08 AM


A witch was flying her broom along when she noticed that all the other witches were flying on vacuum cleaners.
She thought, "Am I the only one still driving a stick?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 28, 2022, 05:32:13 AM

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.




Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 28, 2022, 04:17:56 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 30, 2022, 04:24:18 AM


I bought a plunger the other day. You ever bought a plunger? Its an embarrassing purchase. At first, you think its no big deal. Stand in the line, swinging it. And then you realize everybody knows; you got a situation at home. Nobody buys a plunger on a whim.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 30, 2022, 04:56:15 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 01, 2022, 05:00:45 AM


A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water".

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 01, 2022, 06:07:21 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 02, 2022, 04:22:41 AM


Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. In heaven, they found God sitting on the great, white throne. He addressed Al first. "Al, what do you believe in? "Al replied, "Well, I believe I won the election in 2000, but it was your will that I did not serve. I've come to understand that now. "God thought for a second and said, "Very good. Come and sit at my left. "God then addressed Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill replied, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me. "Again, God thought for a second and then said, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right. "God then turned to Hillary and asked, "Hillary, what do you believe in? "She replied, "I believe you're sitting in my chair."-

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 03, 2022, 04:19:44 AM



A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you"


The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 03, 2022, 04:38:32 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 05, 2022, 05:04:45 AM


An insurance agent's wife was learning to drive when the brakes failed. "What should I do?" she cried. "Brace yourself, and try to hit something cheap."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 05, 2022, 05:06:16 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 06, 2022, 03:30:06 AM


Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?"

inquired the first fellow.

"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 06, 2022, 05:43:50 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 07, 2022, 03:45:46 AM


A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"


The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."

The man sighed and said: "It's started."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 07, 2022, 06:18:41 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 08, 2022, 04:31:17 AM


A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 08, 2022, 06:31:53 PM
Haha
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 09, 2022, 03:28:51 AM


Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."


The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 09, 2022, 05:45:35 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 10, 2022, 04:52:37 AM


A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 10, 2022, 06:17:35 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 11, 2022, 03:42:28 AM


A friend and I were golfing one day when at the 18th hole this guy comes out of nowhere and asks if he could join us. I tell him, "Well, we're just about done but if you want to join us tomorrow you can. We start at 8 o'clock."
He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."

So next day he shows up at 8 o'clock and plays scratch golf; he was good. We were going to play again the next day and we invited him to join us. He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."

So the next day he shows up at 8 o'clock, plays with his opposite hand, and shoots under par! I'm a bit amazed with this guy so I ask him, "You're a pretty good golfer, beating us with scratch golf and then showing-off by playing just as good with your opposite hand. Just what is you secret?"

He said, "Well...when I wake up in the morning and my wife is lying on her left side, I play left-handed. Or when I wake up in the morning and my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed."

So I ask, "what if she is laying on her back?"

"That's when I get here at 8:05."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 11, 2022, 02:50:20 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 12, 2022, 04:22:26 AM


A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 12, 2022, 05:42:55 PM
 ;D hehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 20, 2022, 04:26:35 AM


A terrifying explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?"
Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."       


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 20, 2022, 05:55:47 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 21, 2022, 04:53:27 AM


Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put it on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on.

This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 22, 2022, 02:37:23 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 22, 2022, 03:21:59 AM


Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Student: "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 23, 2022, 04:02:46 AM


Little Johnny's mother was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked four-year old Johnny to answer the phone.
Little Johnny ran out into the living room and answered the phone. "Mommy, It's the minister," he said to his mother.
From the kitchen Johnny's mom said, "Tell him I'll call him back."
Little Johnny spoke into the phone saying, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."     



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 23, 2022, 08:30:07 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 26, 2022, 04:45:00 AM


A young girl was attending her first wedding, watching the proceedings with interest for a while before growing restless.
The groom stood at the altar as six bridesmaids walked slowly up the aisle, one by one.
Soon, the girl leaned over to her mom and whispered, “Why doesn’t he just hurry up and pick one?”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 26, 2022, 07:41:34 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 27, 2022, 04:02:06 AM


Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 28, 2022, 04:07:40 AM


The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."


Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 28, 2022, 06:09:28 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 29, 2022, 04:46:59 AM


A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 29, 2022, 06:24:53 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 30, 2022, 04:29:08 AM


Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four... By gosh, you're right, dear!"   

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 30, 2022, 07:26:29 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 01, 2022, 04:26:40 AM


At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.

“Say, is this really a healthy place?”

“It sure is,” the man replied.

“When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed.”

“That's wonderful!” said Bill. “How long have you been here?”

“I was born here.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 01, 2022, 08:17:46 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 02, 2022, 05:04:52 AM


A daughter asks her mother, “What are character qualities that I should look for in a marriage partner? You know, for someone that I will be spending eternity with."
The mother replied, ”Go ask your father, he did better than I did.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 02, 2022, 05:16:00 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 03, 2022, 03:54:20 AM


Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 03, 2022, 05:41:40 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 04, 2022, 04:10:38 AM


Three men and a young woman are travelling on a train. The four passengers get talking and the chat soon takes an erotic turn.

The young woman proposes: “If each of you give me $1 I will show you my legs”. The men, charmed by the woman, all pull a dollar out of their wallet and she proceeds to pull up her dress a bit to show her legs.


The woman then says: “If each of you gentlemen give me $10 I will show you my thighs”. Again the men pull out their wallets, hand over the money the money and the woman pulls up her dress to show her legs.

The woman continues: “If you give me $100 I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis”. All three hand over the money.

The woman then turns to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance, that’s the hospital where I had it done!”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 05, 2022, 04:24:53 AM


I got really angry with my car navigation today. I even yelled at it and told it to "go to hell."
Twenty minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 05, 2022, 05:57:12 AM
  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 06, 2022, 04:22:31 AM


An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 07, 2022, 04:26:11 AM


A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 07, 2022, 06:55:24 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 08, 2022, 04:31:01 AM


By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.

I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,'

...and he sat up all night watching me."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 09, 2022, 06:31:59 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 10, 2022, 04:18:13 AM


The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"


"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"They're looking for me"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 10, 2022, 06:48:17 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 11, 2022, 04:34:15 AM


While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, This is for washing our hair.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
The curlers are on me.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 12, 2022, 04:03:46 AM


The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.' 'Forget the bonus,' the turkey said, 'All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 13, 2022, 04:03:17 AM


One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want, to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind; I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that, St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives whom she had worked with, and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.


They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.


"Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."


So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down, back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.

She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."


The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you're STAFF."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 14, 2022, 04:23:34 AM


Sex before marriage is considered a sin...
Sex after marriage is considered a miracle!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 15, 2022, 04:07:20 AM


Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.40. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is: why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 15, 2022, 11:44:43 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 16, 2022, 04:24:58 AM


A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she look back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again!

Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public in my whole life!" Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it one more time."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Oct 16, 2022, 11:48:56 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/mh7CKNKD/E38-BB5-CC-9-AEB-4-F25-9-E38-2-B6453-EC98-E6.gif) (https://postimg.cc/mh7CKNKD)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Oct 16, 2022, 11:49:16 AM
Yawnnnnnnnnn!
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 17, 2022, 04:08:54 AM


Now that I'm older....here's what I've discovered...

1. I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All-Bran?

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

9. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

10. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

11. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seatcause kids.

13. It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop atthe end.

14. It's hard to make a comeback, especially when you haven't beenanywhere.

15. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

16. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone elsedecide to play chess?



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 17, 2022, 05:18:42 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Oct 17, 2022, 06:07:46 PM
(https://trapperman.com/forum/attachments/usergals/2022/10/full-40898-153949-0_16657837338701305992931648677000.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 18, 2022, 01:57:34 AM
Hehehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 18, 2022, 04:11:28 AM


A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor.....says. "Doc, I'm having problems hearing!"

Doctor says "Lets check this out." Looks into the man's ear with his flash light and says, "There's a foreign object in here." Takes his tweezers and pulls it out.......Doc says to the old man, "It's a suppository!!"

The old man takes a look, asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone?? Need to tell the wife that I know where I put that hearing aid!!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 18, 2022, 06:30:49 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Oct 18, 2022, 02:21:49 PM
(https://trapperman.com/forum/attachments/usergals/2022/10/full-40898-154037-0_16657837104214979215678412970263.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 19, 2022, 04:04:45 AM


A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."


The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 19, 2022, 06:11:14 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 20, 2022, 03:55:27 AM


Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it?”“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.”“I don’t mean that,” the deacon replied. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”“Oh sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 20, 2022, 05:51:43 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 22, 2022, 03:52:22 AM


John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.

"Not really," says Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well what would you like for our anniversary?" John asks.

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 22, 2022, 05:51:23 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 23, 2022, 03:46:19 AM


I told my wife that there is only one thing that scares me on Halloween.
My wife: Which is?
Me: Exactly!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 25, 2022, 04:00:31 AM


One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said,
"I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.
The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.
God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."   



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Oct 25, 2022, 04:20:21 PM
(https://trapperman.com/forum/attachments/usergals/2022/10/full-52184-154771-b612a485_1b00_42d9_8c71_a7c8af9a897e.jpeg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 26, 2022, 04:03:52 AM



After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Oct 26, 2022, 07:18:09 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 27, 2022, 04:12:19 AM


A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict. The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 28, 2022, 04:18:53 AM


A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?"

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 29, 2022, 04:25:31 AM


A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."


The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 30, 2022, 04:04:41 AM


As my family was leaving Disney World, my daughter waved and said, "Goodbye Minnie!"
My son waved and said, "Goodbye Mickey!"
I waved and said, "Goodbye money!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 02, 2022, 04:24:34 AM


A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared, ready to devour the man whole. The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, "Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion." A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion. The lion then drops to his knees, looks up to heavens and prays, "Dear God, bless you for this food I'm about to receive."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 03, 2022, 03:46:44 AM


There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.


He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 04, 2022, 03:35:25 AM


Jesus and Moses were teeing off on a 149 yd par 3, with water hazard.

Jesus pulled out his wedge and hit his first ball into the water;

"I don't understand", he said, "I saw Arnold Palmer hit a wedge to the green on this same hole yesterday!"

Again he dropped a ball on the ground and repeated the shot with the same results....

Moses said,"Get a longer iron or you'll never make it across"

Jesus dropped another ball to the ground and repeated the swing dropping the third ball in the water short of the green.

"That was my last ball!" Jesus remarked as he walked across the water fishing for his lost balls.

A foursome approached the green and one man replied, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"

Moses replied, "He thinks he Arnold Palmer"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 05, 2022, 04:17:03 AM


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and said, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Nov 05, 2022, 05:54:32 AM
(https://trapperman.com/forum/attachments/usergals/2022/11/full-40898-155898-0_16675603871373346790185621579429.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 06, 2022, 04:14:36 AM
(https://trapperman.com/forum/attachments/usergals/2022/11/full-40898-155898-0_16675603871373346790185621579429.jpg)

             Exactly. ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 06, 2022, 04:15:03 AM


A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.

Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 07, 2022, 03:13:10 AM


A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, "I would give anything for a birdie on this hole." A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the hole and whispered, "If you give up one quarter of your sex life, I guarantee you will make this shot."The golfer said "OK." He made the shot for birdie.A few holes later, he was having trouble on another hole. "Please, let me make this for eagle" he said.Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, "If you give up another quarter of your sex life, you will make eagle.""You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win. The stranger again stepped up and said "If you give up the last half of your sex life, you will make eagle to win.""OK," the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, "I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, "Nice to meet you, my name is Father O'Malley!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 08, 2022, 03:30:19 AM


What does the starship enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle around Uranus and wipe out Klingons.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 09, 2022, 03:41:23 AM

An angry wife to her husband on phone: "Where the hell are you?"
Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"
Wife, with a smile and blushing: "Yeah I remember that my love!"
Husband: "I'm in the pub just next to that shop."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Nov 16, 2022, 06:36:11 AM
(https://trapperman.com/forum/attachments/usergals/2022/11/full-40898-157294-0_16685149224875313334341044353374.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 20, 2022, 04:00:17 AM


The Priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

Still the man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know for sure where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 21, 2022, 03:44:57 AM


An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 22, 2022, 03:47:47 AM


A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 23, 2022, 03:54:50 AM


You can't spell gravity without gravy...
And you can't spill gravy without gravity!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: aquaassassin on Nov 23, 2022, 01:59:39 PM

You can't spell gravity without gravy...
And you can't spill gravy without gravity!

What’s the point? Horrible
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 24, 2022, 04:14:52 AM


A young man who worked at a grocery store had just finished stocking the turkeys in the freezer when a woman approached and asked, “Excuse me, do these turkeys get any bigger?” “No ma’am,” he replied. “These turkeys are dead.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 25, 2022, 05:16:54 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 27, 2022, 03:34:08 AM


A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound Of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is$2.50."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 28, 2022, 04:44:19 AM

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. She went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 29, 2022, 04:13:49 AM


An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Nov 30, 2022, 03:57:03 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 30, 2022, 04:07:28 AM


John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy. They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 01, 2022, 03:58:41 AM


A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it. "I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said."But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied. Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 02, 2022, 03:57:52 AM


Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."


The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 04, 2022, 03:55:12 AM


A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin. The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath."

The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So, he decides to ask a minister.

The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given him. Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath.

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others are convinced that sex is work?"

The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Dec 04, 2022, 02:34:29 PM
(https://trapperman.com/forum/attachments/usergals/2022/12/full-28801-159488-1.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 06, 2022, 03:38:59 AM


              A Canadian tourist is fascinated by the Native American way of life and culture, so he decides to visit a reservation in the United States to find out more.
After a long and dusty drive through the Arizona desert, he finally arrives at the reservation.
Soon after his arrival, the tourist meets an old chief, who claims to remember everything that ever happened in his life.
The tourist is curious and asks the chief: “What did you have for breakfast on your fifth birthday?”Without hesitation, the chief replies: “eggs”.
The tourist was very impressed by this, and he never forgot the chief’s words, even after his visit had long since ended.
Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again.
He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with “how”.
“Scrambled,” the old chief replied.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 07, 2022, 04:08:17 AM


"I've been racking my brains, but I can't place you,” one man said to another at a gathering. “And you look very much like somebody I have seen a lot—somebody I don't like, but I can't tell you why. Isn't that strange? ”"Nothing strange about it,” the other man said. “You have seen me a lot, and I know why you resent me. For two years I passed the collection plate in your church.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 07, 2022, 07:42:13 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 08, 2022, 04:34:29 AM


The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading.

He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..."

A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 08, 2022, 06:38:51 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 09, 2022, 04:22:01 AM


A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it was printed on the bottom."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 09, 2022, 12:53:23 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 10, 2022, 03:36:40 AM


College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!"

Father: "What, son?"

College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"

Father: "I certainly do!"

College student: "Well, you get to keep it."


   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 11, 2022, 03:28:55 AM


Joe heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.

So, on his 21st birthday, Joe and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.

When Joe and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Joe stepped off of the side of the boat... and damn near drowned.

Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home.

When Joe arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"

The feeble old grandmother took Joe by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Dec 11, 2022, 03:15:39 PM
(https://trapperman.com/forum/attachments/usergals/2022/12/full-553-160426-screenshot_20221211_091309_facebook.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 12, 2022, 04:36:17 AM


Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.

Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."


And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.

The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.

He does all his tricks over a gain, but still not a word.


They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 12, 2022, 04:24:44 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 14, 2022, 03:30:12 AM


The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him-he's afraid to cough!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 14, 2022, 08:53:17 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 15, 2022, 03:04:02 AM


A blonde is speaking to a psychiatrist.
Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are

complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next

best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde, "I figured it's because when I'm driving around, my

zip code keeps

changing."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 16, 2022, 05:26:05 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 18, 2022, 03:16:53 AM


Three nuns died and visited St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said he would admit them if they each answered one question.He turned to the first nun and asked, "Who was the first man?""Adam," the nun confidently replied. The trumpets sounded and the angels sang as the gates swung open and she walked into heaven.St. Peter turned to the second nun. "Who was the first woman?" "Eve," she replied. The trumpets sounded and the angels sang.Then St. Peter turned to the last nun. "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"The nun paused for a moment. "Gee, that's a hard one!"The trumpets sounded and the angels sang.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 19, 2022, 03:46:24 AM


There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 20, 2022, 04:19:16 AM


It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it...
He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 21, 2022, 04:06:32 AM


A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase...in time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 22, 2022, 03:04:15 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 22, 2022, 03:27:32 AM


You know what would have happened if there had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise MEN, don’t you?The three wise WOMEN would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the Baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and given practical gifts.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Dec 23, 2022, 06:14:24 AM
(https://trapperman.com/forum/attachments/usergals/2022/12/full-46733-161891-319403745_492813082987243_2103744222610872610_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 23, 2022, 11:27:24 PM
I used it a couple times & works great  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 24, 2022, 04:34:54 AM


God noticed that Adam was lonely. He said to him "Adam, I am going to give you the perfect companion. She'll cook and clean and listen, she's perfect."Adam replied, "What will she cost me?"God said, "An arm and a leg."Shocked, Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 25, 2022, 03:58:53 AM



(https://i.postimg.cc/8FyvHcq6/thequint-2021-12-fc7c6d6d-2630-49c0-a0f1-2866d0f0e226-imgonline-com-ua-resize-Qnhu-ABww-IAU12y.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/8FyvHcq6)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 25, 2022, 06:34:25 PM
MERRY CHRISTMAS  to you two Jeff
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 26, 2022, 04:28:41 AM


An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler.
He gave her his name. In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"
All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 27, 2022, 03:57:35 AM


A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand. 'The boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.'
He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, 'What do you have in your hand.' So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.'
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!'
And the little boy said, 'Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 28, 2022, 04:04:28 AM


At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said. "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 28, 2022, 07:29:18 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 29, 2022, 04:15:12 AM


Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Dec 29, 2022, 05:02:45 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 02, 2023, 03:13:42 AM


A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”

The husband said, “In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”

The wife said, “Seven weeks.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 03, 2023, 03:59:11 AM
  :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 03, 2023, 04:03:54 AM

WOMEN
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 03, 2023, 04:30:54 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 04, 2023, 04:12:53 AM


A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 04, 2023, 05:30:07 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 05, 2023, 03:59:58 AM


A 5-year-old said grace at a family dinner one night. “Dear God, thank you for these pancakes.”When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, “I thought I’d see if he was paying attention tonight.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 05, 2023, 06:02:22 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 06, 2023, 05:05:43 AM


The foreman on a contracted job started bawling out one of the men, "I've had slow men on jobs before but you are the slowest I've ever seen. Is there anything you are quick with?"
"Well," yawned the workman, "nobody can get tired as quick as I can."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 07, 2023, 03:02:09 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 07, 2023, 04:43:42 AM


A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.

"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them."

"Why not?" asked her friend.

"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."

"Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring this up, but. . . he didn't mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 07, 2023, 07:14:15 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 08, 2023, 04:41:25 AM


A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby. "Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 08, 2023, 06:11:32 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 10, 2023, 05:26:21 AM


A drunk man was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."

The drunk immediately responded, "Thank you, your Honor, I'll have a Scotch and soda."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 10, 2023, 04:55:25 PM
 :) yes sir
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 13, 2023, 04:51:38 AM


A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Jan 13, 2023, 06:20:42 AM
(https://trapperman.com/forum/attachments/usergals/2023/01/full-40898-164401-0_16734856707601132423075197744120.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 15, 2023, 05:20:05 AM


A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman.
The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!”
The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.”
“All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.”
Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.”
“I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.”
“She looked worse for wear so I took pity on her and let her into the car.”
“In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.”
“She devoured it in seconds.”
“Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.”
“While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.”
“I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.”
“I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.”
The husband took a deep breath and continued…
“She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…”
“You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use/
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 15, 2023, 06:48:49 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 16, 2023, 03:50:03 AM


The wonders of water:

If you’re feeling down, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.
It’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 17, 2023, 04:05:39 AM


While preaching about forgiving ones enemies, the preacher asked for a show of hands of those who were willing to forgive their enemies. About half of the congregation raised their hands. The minister continued his lection and again asked for a show of hands. This time, 80 percent of his congregation raised their hands. Not giving up, the minister continued for fifteen more minutes. When he again asked for a show of hands, all members—except one—raised their hands."Mr. Jones,” asked the minster, “are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”"I don't have any.”Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. I know you are 86-years-old. Would you please come down to the front and explain to all of us how you have lived so long without making a single enemy in the world?”Mr. Jones teetered to the front and briefly explained, “Its easy. I've outlived every one of them.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 17, 2023, 05:28:01 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 18, 2023, 05:59:08 AM


After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her.
He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes.

On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan.
The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?
Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. How much do I owe you?
The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty.
The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor.
Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hand the groom four dollars and fifty cents.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 19, 2023, 05:11:17 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 20, 2023, 05:07:02 AM


Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."


The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 21, 2023, 04:24:25 AM


A woman met her husband at the train station after work for the ride home. He looked haggard, so she asked, "Rough day?"

"You bet it was," he groaned. "Our computers were down, and we had to think all day long."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 21, 2023, 06:06:11 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 22, 2023, 04:36:10 AM


In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested.
Then God created man, and then they both rested.
Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever rested.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 22, 2023, 01:56:31 PM
 :) :) how so true
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 24, 2023, 04:03:00 AM


A man runs to the doctor and says: "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks: How long was she had this condition?"
"Two years." replies the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the doctor. The man shrugs his shoulders and replies: "We needed the eggs"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 24, 2023, 11:16:52 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 25, 2023, 04:20:50 AM


A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming knowledgeable about the Bible. But one day, she surprised her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 25, 2023, 05:53:25 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 28, 2023, 04:04:41 AM


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 29, 2023, 05:04:57 AM



Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.
When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johnny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating...
"If I don't eat, I don't pay!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 29, 2023, 06:42:34 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 30, 2023, 04:24:44 AM


I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".

I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 30, 2023, 05:21:06 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 31, 2023, 04:27:08 AM

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 02, 2023, 12:52:44 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Feb 02, 2023, 11:09:15 AM
(https://trapperman.com/forum/attachments/usergals/2023/02/full-415-167148-16472939_10154951971152365_2390028232725481877_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 03, 2023, 04:06:58 AM

The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!"

"That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.

"That's a lion!" answered a little boy.

"Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?"

Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 03, 2023, 01:43:47 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 04, 2023, 04:10:22 AM


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the ki tchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
#joke

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 04, 2023, 05:18:56 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 05, 2023, 04:31:44 AM


A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!""Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 06, 2023, 03:51:48 AM


Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.
Wife: I am coming with the broom.
Husband: It’s not urgent. You can come on foot.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 06, 2023, 04:14:19 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 07, 2023, 03:31:12 AM


One day a blonde went up to a soda machine, put in some money, and a soda came out. She got really excited and started to put more money into the machine. The more and more she did it, the more the soda came out.
After a while someone walked up to her and asked if they could please get a soda.
The blonde looked at them angrily and said: "Get out of my face, I'm winning!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 07, 2023, 04:08:06 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 09, 2023, 03:53:53 AM


In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus   first step.
So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.
And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!!!"
At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 09, 2023, 05:35:20 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 10, 2023, 03:43:00 AM

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough.

She took Little Johnny to the principal's office.

While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Little Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Little Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Little Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Little Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Little Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Little Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Little Johnny: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Little Johnny was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Little Johnny: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Little Johnny: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Little Johnny: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Little Johnny: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Little Johnny: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Little Johnny: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Little Johnny: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Little Johnny: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Little Johnny in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 11, 2023, 03:37:48 AM


Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 12, 2023, 04:14:35 AM

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. Just a minute, I said, thinking of a quick solution. I'll put down newspapers.


That's all right, lady, he responded. I'm already trained.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 13, 2023, 04:00:50 AM



A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number. What kind of car was he driving? the husband asked.

I don't know, she said. I never can tell one car from another.


At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.

It worked.

About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. Darling, she said. I hit a Buick!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 13, 2023, 04:29:43 AM
  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 14, 2023, 04:29:47 AM


As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 14, 2023, 04:15:31 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 15, 2023, 04:58:01 AM


The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning.

Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him.


But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special.

When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard.

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like, is to sing my favorite song, the whole thing, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 15, 2023, 03:43:37 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 17, 2023, 05:19:36 AM


Son: “Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.”
Dad: “Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron?”
Son: “Forget it, there seem to be too many requirements.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 20, 2023, 04:13:07 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 21, 2023, 04:31:55 AM


A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"

"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Feb 21, 2023, 05:08:30 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 25, 2023, 04:02:35 AM


A Sunday school teacher was teaching her young students about Noah and the ark. She asked them what they thought Noah may have done to pass the time in the ark for forty years. After waiting a few moments, the teacher suggested, “Maybe he did a lot of fishing. How about that?”One little boy gave her a funny look and said, “I don't think so. It’s kinda hard to fish with just two worms!”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 26, 2023, 06:19:28 AM


Two confirmed bachelors sat talking,
their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
'I got a cookbook once,' said one, 'but I could never do anything with it.'

'Too much fancy work in it, eh?' asked the other.

'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way --
'Take a clean dish...''

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 28, 2023, 04:28:42 AM


It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 01, 2023, 04:12:23 AM


On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 02, 2023, 04:27:50 AM


One day at home the phone rings and Joe answers it. On the other end is a confused woman who asks, "Who is this?"
"This is Joe. With whom did you wish to speak with?"
After a pause the woman says, "Did you just say whom?"
"Yes, I did."
"Then you're definitely not my son!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 03, 2023, 04:07:56 AM


Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 03, 2023, 02:56:09 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 05, 2023, 03:44:27 AM


The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life.

"Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 05, 2023, 05:30:58 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 07, 2023, 04:12:17 AM


A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: 'Rest in Peace.'
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied:


'Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this - somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying: 'Congratulations on your new location!''


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 08, 2023, 04:04:25 AM


During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”
“Because knowing the federal government, they’d  lower the highways.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 08, 2023, 04:53:31 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 08, 2023, 04:55:00 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 08, 2023, 04:56:45 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 08, 2023, 04:59:22 AM
They sure would
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 09, 2023, 03:41:08 AM


Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.

"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 11, 2023, 04:03:58 AM


Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to the ol' man.


"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 12, 2023, 05:05:26 AM


An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldomsaw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.

"Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested. Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"

The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.

The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk. He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.

One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 13, 2023, 04:21:20 AM


A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.


The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, 'I'm a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.'
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem. The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.


Again, the blonde replied: 'I'm a famous model. I'm sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde's ear.
She immediately got up and said, 'okay, thank you'. She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, 'I just told her that the first-class seats aren't going to New York.'



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 14, 2023, 03:06:58 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 16, 2023, 04:43:09 AM


After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"
The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is 'caress'?"
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss!"
And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 16, 2023, 11:36:29 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 20, 2023, 04:34:15 AM



A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After awhile a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?"

"How dare you!" said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"


"Well, then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 21, 2023, 05:50:43 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 22, 2023, 05:00:00 AM


A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."   

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 23, 2023, 04:13:35 AM

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."


The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 24, 2023, 02:05:20 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 24, 2023, 04:17:26 AM


Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."


"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 25, 2023, 12:13:48 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 26, 2023, 04:56:59 AM


The preacher's 5-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 26, 2023, 05:54:11 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 27, 2023, 03:45:44 AM


Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. "Cash, check or charge?" she asked, after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As Jennifer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote with you?" the cashier inquired.

"No," she replied. "But my husband, Jeff, refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 27, 2023, 05:28:56 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 28, 2023, 05:15:22 AM


Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?"
"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"
Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 29, 2023, 04:28:01 AM


An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, either come in or stay out!'"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 30, 2023, 03:45:08 AM


One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.

Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.

The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.

Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said, "Bring me my red shirt."

The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Captain Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship.

In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.

The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs afterwards when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle.

He responded: "If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me."

The crew had a new found admiration for its captain, and they talked all night about his bravery.

About a week later, there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership.

Calmly, Captain Smith said, "Boys, bring me my brown pants!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 30, 2023, 05:27:28 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 31, 2023, 03:48:29 AM


Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"


"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk.'"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 31, 2023, 05:57:10 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 01, 2023, 03:57:29 AM


A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.

He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city. But his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 02, 2023, 04:38:30 AM


One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 03, 2023, 04:02:04 AM


At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 05, 2023, 04:07:41 AM


Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time....

"Class," he said, "my name begins with the letter 'M,' and I pick up things....What am I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 06, 2023, 04:22:21 AM


Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 07, 2023, 01:07:50 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 07, 2023, 03:55:32 AM


An old man is sitting on his porch when he sees a young boy walking down the street dragging something behind him. He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you got there?" to which the boy replies, "It's duct tape, I'm gonna go catch me some ducks." The old man laughs and he calls out, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The little boy laughs and continues on his way, returning a few short hours later, and behind him, he is dragging 8 ducks, all wrapped up in the duct tape. The old man can't believe his eyes.

The next day, the old man is sitting on his porch again and along comes the little boy dragging something behind him. When the old man asks what he's got this time, the boy replies, "It's a spool of chicken wire, I'm going to catch some chickens in it." Well the old man begins to laugh quite hard, telling the boy, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." The boy laughs himself, and says back, "That's what you said about the duct tape," and he continues on his way, with the old man laughing like crazy. A few hours later the old man is surprised to see the boy coming back, and even more shocked to see that behind him he is dragging 10 chickens, all tangled up in the chicken wire, he can't believe his eyes again.

The next day, the old man is sitting there wondering what the little boy will be up to next, and sure enough he sees him coming down the street with something in his hand. He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you go there today?

" The boy responds, "It's a pussy willow." The man then replies, "Hang on son, I'll get my hat!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 07, 2023, 11:47:16 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 10, 2023, 03:51:34 AM


A college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 10, 2023, 06:03:41 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 11, 2023, 05:01:38 AM


A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 11, 2023, 03:29:40 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 12, 2023, 03:46:29 AM


Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 13, 2023, 01:12:29 AM
 :) hehe
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 13, 2023, 03:18:39 AM


An old drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks."Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 13, 2023, 04:06:37 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 15, 2023, 04:57:36 AM


Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm the chip monk."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 16, 2023, 03:35:21 AM


St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 16, 2023, 05:57:25 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 17, 2023, 04:17:51 AM




An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 17, 2023, 04:51:54 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 18, 2023, 04:22:18 AM

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."     




Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 18, 2023, 04:48:27 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 24, 2023, 03:06:02 AM


A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 25, 2023, 04:15:07 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 26, 2023, 03:50:59 AM


I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try.

I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat-free."

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 27, 2023, 04:40:48 AM


The child comes home from his first day at school.

His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 27, 2023, 04:37:18 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 28, 2023, 03:46:43 AM


Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"


Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station."

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Apr 30, 2023, 04:32:08 AM


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now, 'Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of four."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Apr 30, 2023, 05:01:27 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 01, 2023, 03:57:39 AM


An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars.
The husband says: "We've got to give it back".
She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home.
One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
She says: "No"..
The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the policemen sit the man down & begin to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
At this, the policeman looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 01, 2023, 04:48:17 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 02, 2023, 04:42:12 AM


A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently."What are you doing?" the priest asks.The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service.""Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says."I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies."Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 02, 2023, 04:47:56 PM
  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 03, 2023, 03:25:34 AM


A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story. As she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across the drawing of one little boy. He was busy drawing a man driving an old car. In the backseat were two passengers—both scantily dressed.”"It's a lovely picture,” prompted the teacher, “but which story does it tell?”The little boy seemed surprised at the question. “Well,” he exclaimed, “doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?”


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 04, 2023, 05:00:13 AM


George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long, flowing, white robe with a long, flowing, white beard and flowing, white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"


The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am."


George W. asked him why he was so uppity, and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 05, 2023, 03:40:20 AM


Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.


But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 07, 2023, 04:10:02 AM


An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you!" he said. "I've been lost for three days."

"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 09, 2023, 04:48:04 AM


A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, " What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy.
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde.
"That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 10, 2023, 04:22:21 AM


My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 11, 2023, 03:47:31 AM


These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?"

He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!"

The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!"

The man replies, "I found it."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 12, 2023, 04:25:12 AM


A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.

He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him.

He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up.

The man then noticed that the chicken had three legs, so he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm.

The curious man got out of his car and noticed that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?"

The farmer explained, "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm gonna be a millionaire."

"How do they tasted?" asked the man.

"Don't know," replied the farmer, "haven't caught one yet."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 12, 2023, 05:38:21 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 15, 2023, 03:58:46 AM


Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, "I'm lonely I'm tired of eating apples by myself.""Okay," God said, "I'll create a man for you."Eve said, "A man! What's that?""He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won't listen very well, he'll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he'll be fun in bed.""Sounds great!" said Eve."Oh, and one more thing," God said. "He will want to believe that I made HIM first."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 17, 2023, 04:40:47 AM


A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained,
"I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."   

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 18, 2023, 03:48:13 AM


Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"

The silver-haired Marcie looked up to see a distinguished-looking, white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and moved over gently to give him room to sit down.

For the next two hours, the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long, happy marriages, ha lost their spouses during the previous year, and in general agreed about almost everything.

Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma'am, may I ask you two questions?"

With great interest and anticipation, Marcie replied, "Why certainly!"

The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcie, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"

Marcie grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcie said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"

Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 23, 2023, 04:30:20 AM


"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."


"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 24, 2023, 04:38:57 AM


A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 25, 2023, 03:40:04 AM


At my friends' wedding reception, the groom stood to say a few words. He turned to his bride's mother. "You've given me a gift," he began, "a gift that..."
Here he paused in thought, whereupon his mother-in-law completed the sentence, "That you can't return!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 26, 2023, 03:53:25 AM


Me to the postman: This empty envelope must be from my sister Charlotte.
Postman: Now why would she send you an empty envelope?
Me: We had an argument, and she's not talking to me..

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 28, 2023, 04:31:34 AM


An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, " Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had..."

The wife replies, "Yes, go on tell me."

So the husband says "I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married."

The wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare."

The husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on May 30, 2023, 04:36:28 AM


Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, getting up from the table and going out the door to the office.

At 10am, the doorbell rang. When the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1pm, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. When he did, she exclaimed, "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress! I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on May 30, 2023, 05:09:08 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 01, 2023, 04:14:01 AM



A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 02, 2023, 05:54:37 AM


 My first apartment was so close to the Airport...
That every time I went to the kitchen to make a brew and a sandwich, the stewardess told me to get back to my seat.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 03, 2023, 04:01:39 AM


A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund. The passerby asked him why a cowboy would own that kind of dog.

The cowboy answered, "Well, somebody told me to get along little doggie."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 04, 2023, 04:30:24 AM


A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature".
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?

She thought for some time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 06, 2023, 03:51:15 AM


A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 06, 2023, 05:09:41 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 07, 2023, 04:25:09 AM


My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, “Take it, Max,” as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.
Recently, I was travelling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, “I think I'll let Tom drive for a while.”

“Tom who?” I asked.

My mother translated for me: “Tom Cruise, of course.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 08, 2023, 04:49:17 AM


What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter.

Three men were in a boat and had four cigarettes, but no lighter,
So they threw one cigarette overboard,
and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.

I used to be a programmer for autocorrect
They fried me for no raisin

I have the body of a 24 year old....
but it's in the freezer

How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, it’s girl ant, but if it floats…

Its impossible for viruses to spread throughout an ant colony?
Because of all the little antey bodies.

What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.

Why do Norwegian warships have a barcode on the side of them?
So that they can Scandinavian

I bought shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 09, 2023, 03:46:31 AM


After a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room.

One of the gents said to the other, "I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, "honey pie" and "sweet pea", and "sugar" all the time.

The other gent said, "Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 13, 2023, 05:37:19 AM


The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 14, 2023, 05:22:37 AM


So I walked into a this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent. I said: So, are you two girls from Scotland?

One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"

So I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two Whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 15, 2023, 05:21:04 AM


A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 15, 2023, 05:43:38 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 16, 2023, 04:48:03 AM


A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick.
"Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered the olive.
"Big Deal," muttered the blonde. "I already had him so tired out, he couldn't get away."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 18, 2023, 06:07:09 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 19, 2023, 04:15:17 AM


The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out having coffee with a friend. She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.


The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I’m on the toilet.
Please advise.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 21, 2023, 04:30:12 AM


One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.
The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."


As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.


However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 22, 2023, 03:55:00 AM


A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read "Say It With Flowers."

"Wrap up one rose," he told the florist.

"Only one?" the florist asked.

"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 23, 2023, 05:01:41 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 23, 2023, 05:02:08 AM

In class, the teacher was trying desperately to get the students to think. He asked, “If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?”One student quickly responded, “Their age.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 24, 2023, 07:20:32 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 27, 2023, 04:28:14 AM


Mary's fourth grade homework assignment was to make sentences using the words in her spelling list, along with the definition. Coming across the word "frugal" in the list, she asked her father what it meant.

He explained that being frugal meant you saved something.

Her paper read: "Frugal: to save."

Sentence: "Maid Marion fell into a pit when she went walking in the woods so she yelled for someone to come get her out. She yelled 'Frugal me, Frugal me!'"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 28, 2023, 03:48:29 AM


Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 28, 2023, 05:43:34 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jun 29, 2023, 04:28:08 AM


An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

Now I do it in ten..."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jun 29, 2023, 06:38:17 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 02, 2023, 05:22:39 AM


A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 02, 2023, 06:36:28 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 05, 2023, 05:28:46 AM


A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close with this comment: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 06, 2023, 06:27:34 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 07, 2023, 04:31:00 AM


Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 09, 2023, 05:22:44 AM


In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 10, 2023, 05:35:42 AM


Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he`d put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 10, 2023, 05:51:40 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 12, 2023, 04:29:02 AM


It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse speaker--

"Would the gentleman on the Ladies Tee please back up to the Men's Tee!"

Mike, still deep in his routine, seemed impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement--

"Would the man on the Ladies Tee kindly back up to the Men's tee, PLEASE!"

Mike had had enough. He turned and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 12, 2023, 05:47:27 AM
  :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 13, 2023, 04:52:29 AM


Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots--one for me and one for my best buddy here."

The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour this?"

Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here."

With that, he pulls out a little three-inch man from his pocket.

The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"

Rodney flicks a penny down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al, go get that penny!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the penny, and hauls it back down and gives it to Rodney.

The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure, he talks! Hey, Al, tell him about that time we were down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 14, 2023, 06:04:47 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 21, 2023, 05:57:12 AM


"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."


The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.


"Sure," said the young boy, confidently. "Means carrying a child."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 21, 2023, 06:47:01 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 25, 2023, 05:40:09 AM


Why God Created Eve

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost
in the Garden.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to

locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new

fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to

buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's,

dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the

garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would

never be able to

handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember

where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on

when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve...


1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,

scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 26, 2023, 05:46:59 AM


A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims,
“What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests,
“I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”

The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 27, 2023, 04:44:01 AM


Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Jul 27, 2023, 07:22:33 AM
(https://trapperman.com/forum/attachments/usergals/2023/07/full-2100-183594-image.png)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Jul 27, 2023, 07:23:54 AM
(https://trapperman.com/forum/attachments/usergals/2023/07/full-415-183599-67189317_10220071809088503_6007344278441820160_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jul 27, 2023, 05:02:09 PM
Deer hiding behind the trailer hehe  :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jul 31, 2023, 04:54:32 AM


While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 02, 2023, 04:35:24 AM


I saw a woman in Walmart with March Madness teeth...
She was down to the Final Four.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 03, 2023, 04:54:14 AM


A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."


The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 04, 2023, 03:42:05 AM


You might be a redneck if...
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.


You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 10, 2023, 04:42:08 AM


One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.
“You know what a foreman is?” he asked. “The one who stands around and watches the other men work?”
“What’s that got to do with it?” he asked.

“Well, he just got jealous of me,” Uncle Joe explained. “Everyone thought I was the foreman.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 11, 2023, 04:56:01 AM


A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 12, 2023, 06:42:32 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 14, 2023, 05:04:35 AM


Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door,she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said:

“Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 15, 2023, 04:23:09 PM
  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 17, 2023, 04:14:43 AM


A man walks into a store and he saw a thermos. The clerk walks up to him and asks, "May I help you with anything?"

"Yea! What is that?"

"Why that's a thermos!"

"What's it do?"

"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"

"I'll take it"

The next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. His co-workers ask him, "What's that!"

"It's a thermos"

"What's it do?"

"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"

"So whatcha got in it?"

"Two popsicles and a cup of coffee."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 20, 2023, 07:01:40 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 22, 2023, 05:37:17 AM


The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."

The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."


Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."

Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."

Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."

The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."

Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.


As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."

The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."

Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."

The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 23, 2023, 06:24:41 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 24, 2023, 05:42:18 AM


A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 25, 2023, 05:30:49 AM


When I was at the gym yesterday, everyone kept asking me why I was always sitting still on the stationary bike.
I’m going downhill, dude, mind your own business.



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Aug 25, 2023, 05:57:08 AM
  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 28, 2023, 05:05:03 AM


A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.
"Is the housewife in?" he asked. The servant replied: "Just a moment." The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.

Husband: Guess what? I am rich.

Wife: How?

Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.

Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed...I got REAL rich.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 30, 2023, 04:08:10 AM


While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Aug 31, 2023, 05:08:06 AM


I bought a plunger the other day. You ever bought a plunger? Its an embarrassing purchase. At first, you think its no big deal. Stand in the line, swinging it. And then you realize everybody knows; you got a situation at home. Nobody buys a plunger on a whim.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 02, 2023, 05:47:18 AM


The first Saturday in September is International Bacon Day and a day to enjoy all things bacon, including bacon jokes!

What is a pig’s favorite song?
"Don’t Go Bacon My Heart."

What’s a bacon lover’s favorite musical?
"Grease."

What’s a bacon lover’s favorite horror movie?
"Frankenswine."

What do you call a dinosaur wrapped in bacon?
Jurrasic Pork.

Why did the pig run naked across the football field?
He was streaky bacon.

Why did the bacon strip laugh?
Because the fried egg cracked a yolk!

What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz.

Who was the smartest bacon lover that ever lived?
Albert Ein-swine.

What’s a bacon enthusiast’s favorite play?
"Hamlet."

What’s the most successful pick-up line in history?
"I’ve got bacon."

What do you call a fir tree covered in bacon?
A porky-pine!

Why was the cruise ship passenger thrown overboard?
He was hogging the bacon at the buffet.

What’s the best way to eat turkey bacon?
Gobble it up!

How do you know if the bacon you bought is real?
The package is marked ‘gen-u-swine.’

What pig is used to make spicy bacon?
Peppa Pig.

What color is the best cooked bacon?
Ma-hog-any.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the skillet?
Take away its tiny broom.

How many vegans does it take to eat a strip of crispy, delicious bacon?
Just one, if no one’s looking!

What would happen if pigs could fly?
The price of bacon would skyrocket!

Why did the pig go on Ancestry.com?
He wanted to read about history in the bacon.

With what crime was the bacon thief charged?
Hamburglary.

Why was the meat packer fired?
He was bringing home the bacon.

What should you use to write secret messages about bacon?
Invisible oink.

Why did the bacon delivery driver get a traffic ticket?
He was being a road hog.

What’s the name of the best pawn shop for selling bacon?
Ham Hocks.

What’s the best vehicle for delivering bacon?
A pigup truck.

What do you call a pig who gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.

Why did the pig go into the kitchen?
He felt like bacon.

What did the pig say at the beach?
"It’s so hot, I’m bacon!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 04, 2023, 05:06:57 AM


Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father” – “Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father,” “Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”

“Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!”



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 05, 2023, 05:26:08 AM


A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.


A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 06, 2023, 04:04:53 AM


A guys car broke down. He pulled over to the side of the road.Luckly there was a farm near by.He asked the farmer if he could help. The farmer said "sure just let me get my horse, Bruce. So they hooked the car up. The farmer called out to his horse,giddyup Sonya!
The horse did'nt move. Giddyup Tonya! The horse did'nt move. Giddyup Bruce! The horse moved. So when they got back they fixed the mans car. The man said thank you and then asked the farmer why he called different names."

Well" the farmer started, "Bruce won't do anything if he knows he's the only one doing it."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 07, 2023, 04:37:04 AM


A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"


The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."

The man sighed and said: "It's started."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 10, 2023, 04:33:14 AM


Q: How can you tell when a blonde been by your computer?
A: There is cheese by the mouse.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 11, 2023, 05:27:44 AM



A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.

He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so.

He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."

  IW
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 11, 2023, 04:22:02 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 12, 2023, 03:50:13 AM


A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

So she decided to be considerate and not rouse him this time. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom, only to find him sitting up in bed, reading.

"Oh No!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose EVERYTHING?!?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 12, 2023, 04:30:04 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 13, 2023, 04:22:44 AM


An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 15, 2023, 04:52:26 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 16, 2023, 03:41:29 AM


"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 16, 2023, 06:03:56 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 18, 2023, 05:11:56 AM


A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."   
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 19, 2023, 03:55:38 AM


Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."


"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"


"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 19, 2023, 04:38:39 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 20, 2023, 04:12:11 AM

5 great jokes in the middle of the week

Why is giving birth called delivery
…instead of take-out?

A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

My cellphone accidentally took a 10 minute video of my shoes yesterday.
It was some pretty good footage.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

I asked my wife why she chose to marry me.
She said , "Because you are funny"
I said , "I thought it was because I was skilled in the bed"
To which she responded, "See? You’re hilarious!"


 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 21, 2023, 03:19:35 AM



A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!


The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 21, 2023, 05:56:22 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 22, 2023, 04:40:39 AM


Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.
He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 22, 2023, 03:45:37 PM
  ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Raquettedacker on Sep 23, 2023, 02:16:37 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Jt4hnC7v/IMG-4019.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Jt4hnC7v)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 23, 2023, 07:30:40 PM
Hay that my stand .....   :)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 24, 2023, 04:56:36 AM


After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."
The bartender gave him the drink.

Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."

The bartender proceeds with the order.

The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."

The bartender gives him an Amstel.

Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."

The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.


All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"


He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 25, 2023, 02:37:04 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 25, 2023, 04:18:37 AM


A Blonde Redneck Guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The Guy thinks for a moment and says, 'First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.'
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The Guy is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, 'And what about your other two wishes?'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Give me two more just like this one!'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 27, 2023, 05:35:46 AM


An elderly man goes into his doctor’s office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says: "I'm sorry, Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another six weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replies, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"


After a moment, the doctor says: "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa to take a mud bath every day."

"And that will cure me?" Bill asks excitedly.


"No," replies the doctor: "but it will get you used to the dirt."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 28, 2023, 03:41:31 AM


Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest.


Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.


This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 28, 2023, 05:30:16 AM
 ;D j
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 29, 2023, 03:49:14 AM


Sign of the times:

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."

His friend replies, "How's that?"

"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Sep 30, 2023, 04:18:37 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Sep 30, 2023, 04:38:07 AM


A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"


A girl raised her hand and asked, "To withdraw all his money from his savings account?"


 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 01, 2023, 05:07:58 AM


Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 02, 2023, 03:38:11 AM


A priest is sitting on a park bench mumbling to himself, when a police officer walks over. He smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and sees a wine bottle in a paper bag beside him.
Officer: Father, have you been drinking?
Priest: Just water.
Officer: Then why do I smell wine?
Priest: Good Lord! He’s done it again!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 03, 2023, 04:37:07 AM


A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.
Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 04, 2023, 04:35:20 AM


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."   

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 05, 2023, 04:18:18 AM


After 25 years of marriage, I took a look at my wife one day and said:

"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a big bed and a big-screen plasma TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

But my wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she'd make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 06, 2023, 05:55:00 AM


An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 08, 2023, 04:21:32 AM


Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland.
Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".


An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 09, 2023, 04:11:16 AM


A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"
The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. "Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"
"It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my life."
"Second worst? What could have been worse than that?"
"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 10, 2023, 03:56:47 AM


On a wintry day, my 90-year-old father was in the supermarket trying to pay for his groceries. Bundled up against the cold, his gloved hands were having trouble retrieving and counting the exact change.
The transaction evidently took too long for the man behind him in line, who muttered a curse.
Dad stopped counting, turned around, and warned, “Be quiet or I’ll write a check.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 11, 2023, 05:03:34 AM



A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live.


Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.


Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"


 
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 12, 2023, 03:26:06 AM


The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.' 'Forget the bonus,' the turkey said, 'All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 13, 2023, 03:26:11 AM


A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her basket was filled with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious that she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for yet another price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked, indignantly, "Well, at this rate, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"


"Don't worry, Ma'am," replied the clerk. "With all that wind kicking up over there and that brand new broom you have in your basket, you'll be home in no time."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 14, 2023, 04:21:25 AM


Little Johnny wanted $100 for a new bike and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened.Then he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the local postmaster saw the letter addressed to “God, USA,” he decided to send it to the President of the United States.The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.Little Johnny was delighted with the $5 and wrote a thank-you note to God. It read: “Dear God, thank you for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C. As usual, those crooks deducted $95.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 15, 2023, 04:20:12 AM


A Sunday School teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he with just two worms?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 16, 2023, 03:57:47 AM


Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one', so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 17, 2023, 04:05:31 AM


Surrounded by idiots ....
IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.
When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.


IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longerwanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTINGS
Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
I said, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled and nodded knowingly, 'That's why we ask.'


Idiot Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.

She responded, appalled, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?'

Idiot Sighting #3:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'It's open!'


'I know,' answered the young man. 'I already got that side.'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 18, 2023, 03:49:39 AM


A couple of young children are at day care one day when one of the little girls approaches Tommy and says, "Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?"

"Sure! What do you want me to do?" he asks.

The little girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" questions a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means..."


The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Oct 18, 2023, 04:12:59 PM
(https://trapperman.com/forum/attachments/usergals/2023/10/full-47394-192339-full_18408_86898_b7ebc979_330c_45b3_9e1f_bbdf0a01f7c9.png)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 19, 2023, 05:45:04 AM


Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.r>r> This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. r>r> Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: r>r> "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 20, 2023, 05:10:39 AM


The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.


"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.


"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?"

"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 21, 2023, 04:11:15 AM


When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"

"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 22, 2023, 03:44:46 AM


The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-painted sign that read, "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. CAUTION: Do not step on exhaust."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 25, 2023, 04:07:02 AM


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 26, 2023, 04:02:57 AM



After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."


The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 27, 2023, 05:23:27 AM


An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says," ' Bout what?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 28, 2023, 05:02:56 AM


Your honour, I am 75 years old. So here I am, sitting there on my porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honour. So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honour. Why, Your Honour, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
That's when he yelled, "April Fool" and that's when I shot the F**king Son of a B**ch!!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 29, 2023, 04:21:20 AM


A newly ordained deacon was asked to hold a graveside service for someone with no family or friends. It was his first official assignment, so he eagerly agreed.Taking his duties very seriously, the deacon let early the next morning for the cemetery. However, he made several wrong turns and quickly got himself lost. When he finally arrived more than an hour late, the hearse was nowhere to be seen and the two workmen were eating lunch.The deacon got out of his car, quickly threw on his vestments, and hurried to the open grave. Looking into the pit, he saw that the vault lid was already in place. With a sign, he took out his prayer book and read the burial service. After he had left, one of the workmen said to the other, “Maybe we should have told him he just blessed a septic tank.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 30, 2023, 05:48:20 AM


A tired u.s. army veteran is looking for a seat on a busy British train.
He can’t find a seat so he walks up to a British lady and asked “ma’am may I use your seat?”.
The British lady responded with “can’t you see my puppy is sitting here? How rude are you Americans are.” .
The army and walks off and tries to find another seat after a couple minutes of searching he walks back up to the lady and says “please, ma’am, may I have your seat. I am very tired.” .
The woman says “how inconsiderate of you to ask me again” the man then calmly walks up and throws the dog out of the train window and sits dow. The woman starts screaming and demanding that the man be punished
, her husband walks up and says “you Americans are doing everything wrong
you drive on the wrong side of the road
you use the wrong utensils to eat,
and now
you’ve thrown the wrong bit** out of the window.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Oct 31, 2023, 04:55:20 AM


Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?"
The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 01, 2023, 06:04:28 AM


Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."


The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.


The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 03, 2023, 04:04:43 AM


On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (*sigh*).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again (...???...)

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So, that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 04, 2023, 05:04:12 AM


Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 05, 2023, 05:22:19 AM

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 06, 2023, 03:51:15 AM


A husband and wife had a big argument. Frustrated and fed up, the wife called up her mom and said, "We fought again, I can't do this anymore. I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 07, 2023, 05:06:39 AM


          A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"
          He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 08, 2023, 04:27:37 AM


A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.
"Anything from $2 to $2,000."
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.
The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said: "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket."
"How does it work?" asked the customer.
"For $2, it doesn't work," said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 09, 2023, 04:32:33 AM


On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.
"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.
"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."
His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, "I'm a hooker."

"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up." 

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 10, 2023, 04:05:15 AM



It is better to be healthy than wise...
Being sick costs you money, but you can be dumb for free.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 11, 2023, 05:08:42 AM


he rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.


A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' the old man said simply.

'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked,

'And how many have you caught?'

‘You're the eighth.‘

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 12, 2023, 04:29:17 AM


A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Nov 12, 2023, 07:13:24 PM
(https://trapperman.com/forum/attachments/usergals/2023/11/full-1790-195372-fb_img_1699793049556.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 13, 2023, 03:50:02 AM
 
(https://trapperman.com/forum/attachments/usergals/2023/11/full-1790-195372-fb_img_1699793049556.jpg)

           ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 13, 2023, 03:50:50 AM


The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 14, 2023, 03:36:25 AM


A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager appologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey lady."
She paused and said," yes?"
The bird said, "you know."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 15, 2023, 04:41:27 AM


A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 16, 2023, 03:39:29 AM


An elderly couple visits their grown-up grandson one night. While in the bathroom, Grandpa discovers a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's medicine cupboard.

"I don't think you should take one of those," says the grandson when his grandpa asks him about them: "They're pretty expensive."

"How much?" asks the old timer.

"$20 a pill," replies the grandson.

"I'd still like to try one," says the old man: "Before we go in the morning I'll leave the money under the pillow in the guest room."

The next day the grandson goes into the guest room, and lifts the pillow to find $120. Puzzled, he calls his grandpa. "Grandpa, I told you the pills were $20 each!" he says.

"I know," says the old man: "The extra $100 is from your grandma!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 17, 2023, 03:45:15 AM


I bought a bag of air today…
The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 18, 2023, 04:29:33 AM


An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.

She says, "Well what was that for?"

He says, "Thats for 40 years of rotten sex!"

She doesn't reply and they start rocking again.

All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.

He says, "Well what was that for?"

She says, "That's for knowing the difference!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 19, 2023, 05:21:00 AM


There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 20, 2023, 04:18:08 AM


A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married."

The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!"

The woman says, "GOOD ....get your own darn blanket!!!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 21, 2023, 04:00:39 AM


The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven!" they all piped up.

"And what do you have to do to get there?"

They said, "Be dead!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 22, 2023, 04:31:41 AM


The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.

The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.


The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.

Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.

After listening, he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the darn wall!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 23, 2023, 04:25:00 AM


A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...
... "You just happened to catch my eye


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 24, 2023, 05:23:40 AM


A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"


The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."


"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 25, 2023, 05:05:09 AM


Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, "Hello."
The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 26, 2023, 04:03:15 AM


A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 28, 2023, 04:17:30 AM


Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"

Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did."

She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?"


Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"

Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says.

"Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 29, 2023, 04:44:57 AM

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.
That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Wha...aaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Nov 30, 2023, 03:29:10 AM


3,027 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad...
It's 5050!

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 01, 2023, 03:52:19 AM


A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"
The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.
"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 02, 2023, 04:17:03 AM


A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway ramp. Traffic thinned, but the driver still waited.
Finally, a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, “The sign says to yield, not give up!”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 03, 2023, 04:04:08 AM


Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.


He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 04, 2023, 05:24:46 AM


While visiting a water show a tourist asked one of the divers, "Why do scuba divers always fall backward off their boats?
To which the diver replied, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 05, 2023, 04:02:01 AM


Once upon a time, in the middle of the ocean, there was the Island of Trid.
It seems that most of the Island of Trid was covered by a large mountain. On this mountain lived a Giant. The Giant did not allow Trids on his mountain. If a Trid dared to climb onto the mountain, the Giant would kick him into the ocean. Trids are notoriously bad swimmers, and frequently drowned when kicked into the ocean.
The Trids were a very sexual people, and the population had grown quite large. Every square inch of the island, except the mountain, was crowded with Trids.
The Trids spent their days crowded together, dreaming of the open space available on the ever visible mountain. Every few days, a Trid would decide he couldn't stand the crowds any more. He would start to climb the mountain, and the Giant would kick the Trid into the ocean.The Trids were a very depressed people.
One day a traveling Rabbi visited the Island of Trid. Despite their overcrowded conditions, the Trids were extremely generous to this man of God.
The Rabbi decided to return the favor, and to go plead the Trid's case to the Giant. "Surely the Giant can be convinced to share some of the mountain with you," the Rabbi explained.
The Trids were horrified. "Please don't go, Rabbi", the Trids implored. "The Giant will kick you into the ocean, and you will surely drown."
The Rabbi was stubborn, and insisted that he talk to the Giant. The Trids sent out every boat they had. They formed a ring around the island, so that they would be able to rescue the Rabbi.
The Rabbi started walking towards the mountain. No sign of the Giant.
He walked through the foothills, and there was no sign of the Giant.
He started up the slopes of the mountain, further than any Trid had ever been. Still no sign of the Giant.
Finally he reached the summit of the mountain. There the Giant was waiting for him. The Rabbi asked "Tell me Giant, why have you allowed me to climb to the top of the mountain, without kicking me off the moment I started climbing?"
And the Giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Dec 05, 2023, 06:09:44 AM
(https://trapperman.com/forum/attachments/usergals/2023/12/full-1790-198449-fb_img_1701770497084.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 06, 2023, 05:13:11 AM


Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.
Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.
Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped.
"Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this."
"Yeah," Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 07, 2023, 03:50:42 AM


A cop pulls over a car full of nuns. The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?”Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.”The copy says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.”“Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says. “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”But then the copy glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear. He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?”Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 08, 2023, 05:24:42 AM


A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, thewife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment andsaid, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some young woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 09, 2023, 03:28:12 AM


At a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true! I do so enjoy sex!"
Then, turning to the counselor, she explained: "But this animal expects it four or five times a year!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 10, 2023, 04:13:49 AM


Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend,

"We might as well give up. They are coming after us with flashlights."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 11, 2023, 03:30:43 AM


At NC State University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.

They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.


These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Raleigh until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to return Sunday to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldnÂ’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 12, 2023, 04:48:29 AM


A minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled out. New dentures were being made.The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. On the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:“The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures...and I couldn't shut up.”-
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 12, 2023, 04:50:59 AM


Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
One day, Carlos asked Jose: “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”
“Look at your sign, what does it say?” replies Jose.
Carlos’ sign reads: “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.”
Jose says: “no wonder you only get $2-3.”
‘Carlos says: “So what does your sign say then?”
Jose shows Carlos his sign – it reads: “I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 13, 2023, 05:34:00 AM



Son: "Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!"
Dad: "Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 14, 2023, 03:56:16 AM


A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviouslyupset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
"What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonnahave to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flickingher tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing wentand kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out fromunderneath me!
But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall.Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down."
"And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 15, 2023, 03:58:19 AM


A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."   


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 17, 2023, 04:22:41 AM


There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 18, 2023, 04:04:15 AM


An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over. "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again. "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and down and says, "Sam, what's different? It was hanging down yesterday, it's hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow!"

Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why its hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

Bessie replies, "Should'a bought a hat, Sam!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 19, 2023, 03:28:07 AM


During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.


"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 20, 2023, 03:44:36 AM


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"
He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 21, 2023, 04:18:56 AM


A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase...in time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 22, 2023, 05:25:55 AM


After a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room.

One of the gents said to the other, "I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, "honey pie" and "sweet pea", and "sugar" all the time.


The other gent said, "Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 23, 2023, 05:54:18 AM


A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane...... The lady said to him ' Can you help me remove something from my breast please? ‘The exciting young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my pleasure....... So what is it?' "Your Eyes, idiot!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 24, 2023, 04:47:01 AM


Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 26, 2023, 04:22:53 AM


As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
"You can't do that," argued my four-year-old.
"Don't worry. Santa will never know."
He shot me a look. "So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know if you dropped a cookie on the floor?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 27, 2023, 03:45:43 AM


While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.“The curlers are on me.”-
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 28, 2023, 04:51:53 AM


One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the postman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'Who Am I.'"
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 29, 2023, 03:57:09 AM


Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.
"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear.
When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear.
The others raise their eyebrows.
"I'm getting a Fax," he explains

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 30, 2023, 04:54:52 AM


A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several months. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her simply to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Dec 31, 2023, 04:56:36 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/K1YLMs6D/508adf331439ad6c4f785afdda657228dce43bc1a5d2636f1af713580e5f2dfd-1.webp) (https://postimg.cc/K1YLMs6D)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 01, 2024, 04:28:01 AM


After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her.
He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes.
On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan.
The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?
Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. How much do I owe you?
The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty.
The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor.
Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hand the groom four dollars and fifty cents.
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 02, 2024, 04:45:18 AM


Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?

Because everytime they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 04, 2024, 04:39:16 AM


A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, PULLOVER!"

"NO," the woman yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 05, 2024, 03:47:46 AM


A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.'' The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?'' The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.'' Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 06, 2024, 05:09:59 AM


An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found.....
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
.....Which goes to show that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 07, 2024, 06:36:22 AM


The construction foreman ordered one of his men to dig a hole 8 feet deep. But after the job was done, the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered the worker.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.


"Honestly!" the foreman snorted. "The kind of help I get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 08, 2024, 04:13:16 AM


The chairman of the board of our company called me into his office to tell me the good news. I was being promoted to Vice President of Corporate Research and Planning.
Of course, I was excited, but that didn't stop me from asking for my new title to be changed to Vice President of Corporate Planning and Research.
'Why?' asked the chairman.
'Because,' I said, 'our organization uses abbreviated job titles, and I don't want be known as VP of CRAP.'



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 09, 2024, 03:36:22 AM


You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender.

For example...



1) Ziploc Bags-
They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers-
They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire-
Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon-
Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges-
Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page-
Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway-
Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass-
Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer-
Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control-
Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this-it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 10, 2024, 03:54:19 AM


A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 11, 2024, 04:09:44 AM


Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.


"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 12, 2024, 04:03:52 AM


Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River looking across at the Promised Land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."


As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he assured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally, according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned, the more you will sink into the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who would be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.

Finally, George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking of all his sins that were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river, and the water was only up to his ankles.


He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore. Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"

Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 14, 2024, 04:40:35 AM


Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know
his wife until he marries her”
Dad: That happens in every country, son


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 15, 2024, 03:44:10 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 15, 2024, 04:05:46 AM


10 Commandments of Marriage
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!


Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.


Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 16, 2024, 06:19:45 AM


Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 17, 2024, 04:59:36 AM


A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.
His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?"
He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 18, 2024, 04:11:59 AM


Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. In heaven, they found God sitting on the great, white throne.He addressed Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"Al replied, "Well, I believe I won the election in 2000, but it was your will that I did not serve. I've come to understand that now."God thought for a second and said, "Very good. Come and sit at my left."God then addressed Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill replied, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."Again, God thought for a second and then said, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."God then turned to Hillary and asked, "Hillary, what do you believe in?"She replied, "I believe you're sitting in my chair."-

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 19, 2024, 04:02:18 AM



A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and says, "Welcome. Come walk with me and I'll show you where you'll be staying."As they're walking along the path he notices clocks on the Golden Fence of Heaven. He asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks for?"St. Peter replies, "They’re clocks for every person in the world. They click once for each time you lie."By the time they reach where the man is staying, he asks out of curiosity, "I didn't see any politicians’ clocks. Where are they kept?"St. Peter calmly replies, "People here use them as fans."-

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 20, 2024, 05:29:51 AM


There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do ... I memorized all the state capitals."


One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

"N", she answered.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 21, 2024, 06:08:59 AM


A man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The horse died.”
Donald replied, “Well, then just give me back my money.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Donald said, “Ok, then just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Donald said, “Sure I can! Watch me.
A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2495.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”
Donald is moving into the White House in January of 2025.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 24, 2024, 05:02:39 AM


Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his ol' man.


"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me for sixteen years."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 25, 2024, 05:24:21 AM


Tech Support: 'Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.

Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'

Customer: 'I don't have a 'P'.'

Tech Support: 'On your keyboard, Bob.'

Customer: 'What do you mean?'

Tech Support: ''P' on your keyboard, Bob.'

Customer: 'I'm not going to do that!'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 26, 2024, 05:05:48 AM


A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
'Darling, how I've missed you!'
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, 'Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!'



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 27, 2024, 04:43:47 AM


The other day, Louise and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Louise finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.'
'Fine.' I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.'
I grinned and replied, 'You're right.'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 28, 2024, 04:28:31 AM


Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.

"Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.


"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Johnny thought for a second and said, "I'm glad you don't do any thinking. You would look silly without hair."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 29, 2024, 02:32:35 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 29, 2024, 04:31:02 AM


A little girl was watching her parents dress for a formal party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, Darling?"

"You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 30, 2024, 04:06:24 AM


After 40 years of marriage, the wife had not received a gift for Xmas, birthday, or anniversary since the first Xmas. So she drug her husband to the counselor.

After explaining all of this to the counselor, she looked at her husband with tears in her eyes and asked, "Why do you treat me this way?"
The husband said, "I am a very practical man, so when you use the first present I got you, I'll get you another."
The counselor asked, "What did he get you?"
The wife bowed her head and whispered, "A cemetery plot."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Jan 31, 2024, 04:22:17 AM


A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary, so he bought her a $100 see-through nightie.
That night, she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightie was still in its box downstairs.


Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said: "Jesus, for $100 they could've at least ironed it!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Jan 31, 2024, 06:57:17 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 01, 2024, 04:17:15 AM


Frustrated, the teen storms into his sister's bedroom. "Why are adults are always asking us what we want to be when we grow up?"
Without hesitation the sister replies, "It's because they’re looking for ideas.”
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 02, 2024, 04:27:49 AM


A dozen thoughts
1. Part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer's history when you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times when I was younger that I didn't want to nap.
4. Why isn't there a sarcasm font? I really need one!
5. Why doesn't Map Quest start their directions on #5? I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood ...
6. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
7. Bad decisions make good stories.
8. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
9. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu- Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.
10. I hate it when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? D@mmit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and then goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
11. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then don't seeing anyone I'd like to impress the entire day. What a waste!
12. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with a Budweiser than Kay.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 03, 2024, 05:04:35 AM


The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside.

On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.

"Jesus Christ!" he says.

Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 04, 2024, 05:17:01 AM


A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 05, 2024, 03:54:34 AM


A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he falls through the doorway, his wife snaps at him: "What's the big idea coming home half drunk?"
The man replies: "I'm sorry, honey. I ran out of money."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 07, 2024, 04:53:50 AM


A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper, "Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?""Yes," the professor answered. "When I was a young candidate at the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now."
"Well," said the gatekeeper. "That is a very minor sin. You may enter."
"Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered.
"You're welcome, but I am not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper. "He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 08, 2024, 04:07:19 AM


A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough.

She took Little Johnny to the principal's office.

While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Little Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Little Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Little Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Little Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Little Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Little Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Little Johnny: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Little Johnny was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Little Johnny: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Little Johnny: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Little Johnny: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Little Johnny: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Little Johnny: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Little Johnny: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Little Johnny: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Little Johnny: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Little Johnny in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 09, 2024, 04:11:11 AM


A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"       



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 13, 2024, 03:38:14 AM


An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Feb 13, 2024, 11:53:24 AM
(https://trapperman.com/forum/attachments/usergals/2024/02/full-415-207764-426452939_10231947026281511_6432743802229157247_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 15, 2024, 03:42:20 AM


The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 16, 2024, 04:16:54 AM


I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that," etc. It eventually became very annoying.
Being from Niagra Falls, I thought I could outdo him by showing him the "Mighty Niagara", knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this "Wonder of Water and Power".
While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes. It was then I asked him: "Do you have anything like this in Texas?"
He waited a moment before he answered: "No, but we have a plumber that could fix it."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 18, 2024, 03:37:59 AM


A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 19, 2024, 04:09:23 AM


Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first". No spaces, all lowercase.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 20, 2024, 05:21:51 AM


Patrick  hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!"

And with that he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.


In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said: "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street.

Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Aye, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 21, 2024, 03:37:20 AM


At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child.

"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.'

"But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?"

One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?"



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 22, 2024, 04:21:16 AM


Three little ducks go into a bar.

"Hello, what's your name?" the bartender asks the first duck.

"Huey," he replies.

"How's your day been, Huey?" the bartender asks.

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" smiles Huey.

"That's nice," says the bartender, turning to the second duck. "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," comes the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" asks the bartender.

"Great. I've had a ball, too. Been in and out of puddles all day, as well. What more could a duck want?"

The barman turns to the third duck and says: "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she says, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 24, 2024, 05:52:20 AM


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'

'My darling,' he replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 25, 2024, 06:02:05 AM


Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife... she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... women like that are hard to find."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 26, 2024, 04:40:13 AM


A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 27, 2024, 03:59:27 AM


An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that in order to prolong his life, they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks of this, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was just coming down to kill you!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Feb 28, 2024, 05:19:58 AM


Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 02, 2024, 05:39:25 AM


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered... is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beau replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now... what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way... Things are going to get ugly.



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 03, 2024, 05:05:16 AM


Do you believe marriage is a lottery?"
"No... it's not. In a lottery, a man is supposed to have a chance."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 04, 2024, 04:52:04 AM


One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 05, 2024, 04:43:02 AM


This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrowfull of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of thatstraw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you thinkthe man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...
'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 06, 2024, 05:02:45 AM


A married couple were quarreling.
Wife: You said you would love me more after marriage?
Husband: I did, but I didn't think you would say yes.

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 07, 2024, 03:39:07 AM


One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands.
The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.
The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying.
Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.
When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.
"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!"
The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 07, 2024, 05:11:34 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 08, 2024, 04:10:03 AM


During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”
“Because knowing the Democrats in federal government, they would lower the highways.”

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 08, 2024, 06:05:26 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: monk on Mar 08, 2024, 06:24:05 PM
(https://trapperman.com/forum/attachments/usergals/2024/03/full-415-210753-12790862_978317968921487_8295240752844409850_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 09, 2024, 04:34:37 AM


Men are like a pack of Cards:
A "heart" to love them
A "diamond" to marry them
A "club" to smack them and
A "spade" to bury the body...


Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 09, 2024, 07:03:56 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 12, 2024, 04:12:32 AM


The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he says, "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers little Johnny.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

Little Johnny smiles and says, "Jack."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 12, 2024, 09:01:57 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 15, 2024, 04:53:16 AM


Teacher: "You are the only one in the entire class who makes so many mistakes in the homework assignment."

Student: "That is not true, I am not the only one. My parents are involved in this as well!"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 15, 2024, 02:41:32 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 16, 2024, 06:08:09 AM


A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked... "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 16, 2024, 08:10:58 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 17, 2024, 07:42:41 AM


Two old friends met by chance on the street.
After chatting for some time one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me".
The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 17, 2024, 12:40:16 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 18, 2024, 04:32:07 AM


            My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly bear on each bicep...
            She is infringing on my right to bear arms!             
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 18, 2024, 06:02:21 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 21, 2024, 04:25:51 AM


A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 21, 2024, 07:46:19 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 22, 2024, 04:17:36 AM


Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.


'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 22, 2024, 06:28:13 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 25, 2024, 04:21:59 AM


A blonde walks into a bar that has a sign marked: "For Men Only".
"I'm sorry, ma'am," says the bartender. "We only serve men in this place."
"That's OK," says the blonde. "I'll take two of them..."

Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: Green Mountian Hunter on Mar 26, 2024, 05:51:02 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 26, 2024, 05:55:04 AM


Signs you are getting old:
1. You don't hold in your stomach when someone young and attractive enters the room.

2. You can live with out sex but not without glasses.

3. You are proud of your lawn mower.

4. Your friend is dating someone half his age, but not breaking the law.

5. You can sing along with elevator music.

6. Someone calls your house at 9 pm, and asks, 'Did I wake you up?'



Title: Re: Comic Relief!!
Post by: 30-30 on Mar 27, 2024, 04:22:11 AM


Two Eagles, an old Indian chief, sat in his hut on the reservation smoking a ceremonial pipe and eying two US government officials sent to interview him.
One US official said to Chief Two Eagles, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the two government officials for over a minute...
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled before he added, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."


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