Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 911743 times)

Offline joe snag

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #1440 on: May 08, 2014, 07:37:15 PM »
good,good, good..

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #1441 on: May 09, 2014, 03:47:32 AM »
 ;D ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #1442 on: May 09, 2014, 04:11:58 AM »


                                                           Little Known Facts about State Laws
1.In Oklahoma, dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate on private property in groups of three or more.
2.In Minnesota, it is illegal to cross state lines with duck on your head.
3.It is illegal to walk down a street in Maine with your shoelaces untied.
4.In Los Angeles, it is unlawful to hunt for moths under a street light.
5.In Pennsylvania, it is illegal for a man to purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.
6.In Alaska, it is illegal to look at a moose from the window of an aircraft or another flying vehicle. It is also illegal to push a live moose out of a moving aircraft.
7.In Nebraska, a parent can be arrested if his or her child can't hold back a burp during a church service. While in Alabama it is illegal to wear a false moustache which causes laughter in church.
8.In Idaho, a citizen is forbidden by law to give another citizen a box of candy that weights more than 50 lbs.
9.In Texas it is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
10.In Huntington West Virginia, it's legal to beat your wife so long as it's done in public on a Sunday-and on the courthouse steps.
11.In Ohio, women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
12.In North Dakota, it is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
13.By law, everybody in Vermont must take at least one bath a week.
14.No store in Providence, Rhode Island, is allow to sell a toothbrush on Sunday. But they can sell toothpaste and mouthwash on the Sabbath.
15.In Atlanta Georgia, it is forbidden to dress a mannequin without first pulling down the window blinds. It is also illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
16.In Washington state, all lollipops are banned.
17.An unmarried woman may not parachute on Sunday in Florida.
18.In Kansas, it is against the law to catch fish with your bare hands. It's also illegle to bring a whale in the state on a flat car.
19.In Milwaukee, residents must keep pet elephants on a leash while walking them on public streets.
20.In Atwoodville, Connecticut, it is illegal to play Scrabble while waiting for a politician to speak.
21.In Muncie Indiana, it is illegal to carry fishing tackle in a cemetery.
22.In New York, a fine of $25 may still be levied for flirting. This old law prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking at a woman in that way. A second conviction for this offense requires the offender to wear a pair of racehorse blinders whenever he goes out.
23.A law in Kirkland, Illinois, forbids bees from flying over the town.
24.In Michigan, a man legally owns his wife's hair.
25.It is illegal to gargle in public in Louisiana.
26.In Iowa, it is illegal for a kiss to last more than five minutes.
27.It is illegal to carry an ice-cream cone in your pocket in Kentucky.
28.In Massachusetts, mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
29. It is against the law in Boston to slurp your soup in a restaurant on Sundays.
30.And finally, don't forget that you can be fined up to $500 in Chico California for detonating a nuclear device within the city limits!

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #1443 on: May 09, 2014, 04:02:44 PM »
 ;D ;D    I'm guilty of quite a few of them    :)


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #1444 on: May 09, 2014, 04:37:30 PM »
;D ;D    I'm guilty of quite a few of them    :)
             It figures. ::)

Offline hesseltine32

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #1445 on: May 09, 2014, 08:10:43 PM »
I'm not moving to Vermont.

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #1446 on: May 10, 2014, 03:59:31 AM »


                                                                                         Great Comeback

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?


You've gotta love the Marines!!!!!!

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #1447 on: May 10, 2014, 05:46:25 AM »
 ;D ;D   
« Last Edit: May 10, 2014, 05:50:45 AM by Green Mountian Hunter »


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #1448 on: May 11, 2014, 05:24:19 AM »

                                                                 Twelve Days

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-rape-survivor gave to me,

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...)

TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE: after member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE deconstructionist poets,

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses

and a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

 

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #1449 on: May 11, 2014, 06:44:24 AM »
nice    ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #1450 on: May 12, 2014, 07:19:53 PM »


TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED  BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR  TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED,  "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I  AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."

"I CAN HANDLE  THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND  HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE  WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR  HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO."

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED  OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER. HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE  CURLERS  ARE ON THE HOUSE

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #1451 on: May 13, 2014, 02:38:08 AM »


                                                                 Questions for people that know everything
1.Can you cry under water?
2.How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
3.If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
4.Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
5.Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
6.Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
7.Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
8.What disease did cured ham actually have?
9.How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
10.Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
11.If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
12.If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
13.Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
14.Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
15.How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
16.Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
17.If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
18.Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
19.Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
20.Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!" Or Watch a white thing come out a chicken rear and think,"that ought to taste good"
21.Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
22.Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
23.When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
24.If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
25.Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
26.If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
27.Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
28.Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
29.What do you call male ballerinas?
30.Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
31.If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
32.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
33.If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
34.Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
35.Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
36.Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
37.Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
38.Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets Mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
 
   

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #1452 on: May 13, 2014, 04:08:10 AM »
Both are nice ones


Offline CAPTJJ

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #1453 on: May 13, 2014, 05:03:23 AM »
39. Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?
Its always archery season. >>>---------->
Hybrid longbow in hand.

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #1454 on: May 14, 2014, 03:54:38 AM »
Good one  ;D


 


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