Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 912110 times)

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 9,246
  • FREE DROBS !!!!
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5295 on: Apr 07, 2020, 07:31:36 PM »
 ;D x


Offline 30-30

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 6,876
  • Hunt America
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5296 on: Apr 08, 2020, 04:41:33 AM »


Redneck computer terms
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear



Offline 30-30

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 6,876
  • Hunt America
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5297 on: Apr 09, 2020, 04:55:18 AM »


The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance,buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 9,246
  • FREE DROBS !!!!
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5298 on: Apr 09, 2020, 06:41:30 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 6,876
  • Hunt America
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5299 on: Apr 10, 2020, 07:50:04 AM »


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."


Offline 30-30

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 6,876
  • Hunt America
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5300 on: Apr 11, 2020, 04:10:26 AM »


A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked."Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


Offline 30-30

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 6,876
  • Hunt America
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5301 on: Apr 12, 2020, 03:38:33 AM »


When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your bum?"



Offline 30-30

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 6,876
  • Hunt America
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5302 on: Apr 12, 2020, 03:42:52 AM »

Self isolation is getting so bad I’m starting to get a crush on my roommate...
And we’ve been married for more than 20 years.


« Last Edit: Apr 12, 2020, 03:44:32 AM by 30-30 »

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 9,246
  • FREE DROBS !!!!
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5303 on: Apr 12, 2020, 10:18:47 AM »
 :D


Offline 30-30

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 6,876
  • Hunt America
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5304 on: Apr 13, 2020, 03:48:40 AM »


I'm sitting in a cafeteria next to a woman who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news. Then, turning to me, she asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 9,246
  • FREE DROBS !!!!
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5305 on: Apr 13, 2020, 07:16:10 AM »
 :D


Offline 30-30

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 6,876
  • Hunt America
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5306 on: Apr 14, 2020, 03:31:57 AM »


In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The mans brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.


Offline 30-30

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 6,876
  • Hunt America
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5307 on: Apr 15, 2020, 03:39:58 AM »


While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-painted sign that read, "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. CAUTION: Do not step on exhaust."


Offline 30-30

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 6,876
  • Hunt America
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5308 on: Apr 16, 2020, 03:18:27 AM »


A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

Offline 30-30

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 6,876
  • Hunt America
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5309 on: Apr 17, 2020, 03:49:51 AM »


The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible.
"Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."
"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?"
"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."
"I see," chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged?"
"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."


 


SimplePortal 2.3.7 © 2008-2024, SimplePortal