Comic Relief!!

[30-30]

I once gave my husband the 
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

[30-30]

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having 
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.

“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.

“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in 
our wall.”

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville, MS DAILY and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We sure can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the
Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.  "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and
made a profit of $898."

The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Medicare and Social Security Programs.

[30-30]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                  A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay,
                  the skunk didn't have a scent,
                  the deer didn't have a buck,
                  so they put the meal on the duck's bill.

[30-30]

                     

[30-30]

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

[Green Mountian Hunter]

     

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                      A blonde, who had just dyed her hair, went to the hospital because her whole body hurt.
                     She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate.
                     She touched her nose and it hurt. She touched her stomach and it hurt.
                     The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes.

                     "Look Here Lady, your finger is broken!"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                    Boy: "Hey, I like you and I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend."
                    Girl: "I have a boyfriend."
                    Boy: "I have math test tomorrow."
                    Girl: "What does that have to do with anything?"
                    Boy: "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."

[30-30]

 OK, This will be the first of a list of "Crazy Laws" in states; I'll start with my state New York!


New York Crazy Law
•The penalty for jumping off a building is death.


•Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.



Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!


•A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.


•A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.


•While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.


•A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.


•It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.


Carmel

•A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.


Greene

•During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.


New York

•You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building.


•Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".


•Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.


•It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing."


Ocean City

•It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town.


•It is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle.


Staten Island

•It is illegal for a father to call his son a "faggot" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior."


•You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                           Husband writes code.

Wife : Honey, please go to the super market and get 1 bottle of milk. If they have bananas, bring 6.

He came back with 6 bottles of milk.

Wife: Why the hell did you buy 6 bottles of milk?!?!

Husband (confused): BECAUSE THEY HAD BANANAS.

He still doesn't understand why his wife yelled at him since he did exactly as she told him.