Comic Relief!!

[30-30]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
 The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
 I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
 I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
 The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
 So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
 She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
 processed my Social Security application..
 When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
 She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
 And then the fight started...

 ________________________________

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                          Why do blondes wear ponytails?
                          To hide the valve stem!

[30-30]

                       

[30-30]

How to wash a cat






1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl...

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You
may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind
the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and
rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no
people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift
the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and
run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,
The Dog!

[30-30]

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
 She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
 "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
 I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
 I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
 And then the fight started.......

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice boobs! Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                      Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
                      The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

[30-30]

                     

[30-30]

ZEN TEACHINGS


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me the Hell alone.
 


2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
 


3. No one is listening until you fart.
 


4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
 


5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
 


6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.
 


7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
 


8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
 


9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
 


10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
 


11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
 


12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
 


13. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
 


14. Good judgement comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgement.
 


15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
 


16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
 


17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
 


18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 


19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things just keep getting worse.
 


20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

When my three-year-old granddaughter was told 
to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, she unexpectedly got nervous. With 
a shaking voice, she asked, “Do I have to drink it?”

[Green Mountian Hunter]