Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 915542 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6345 on: Oct 03, 2022, 03:54:20 AM »


Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6346 on: Oct 03, 2022, 05:41:40 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6347 on: Oct 04, 2022, 04:10:38 AM »


Three men and a young woman are travelling on a train. The four passengers get talking and the chat soon takes an erotic turn.

The young woman proposes: “If each of you give me $1 I will show you my legs”. The men, charmed by the woman, all pull a dollar out of their wallet and she proceeds to pull up her dress a bit to show her legs.


The woman then says: “If each of you gentlemen give me $10 I will show you my thighs”. Again the men pull out their wallets, hand over the money the money and the woman pulls up her dress to show her legs.

The woman continues: “If you give me $100 I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis”. All three hand over the money.

The woman then turns to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance, that’s the hospital where I had it done!”

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6348 on: Oct 05, 2022, 04:24:53 AM »


I got really angry with my car navigation today. I even yelled at it and told it to "go to hell."
Twenty minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6349 on: Oct 05, 2022, 05:57:12 AM »
  ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6350 on: Oct 06, 2022, 04:22:31 AM »


An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6351 on: Oct 07, 2022, 04:26:11 AM »


A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6352 on: Oct 07, 2022, 06:55:24 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6353 on: Oct 08, 2022, 04:31:01 AM »


By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.

I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,'

...and he sat up all night watching me."



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6354 on: Oct 09, 2022, 06:31:59 AM »
 ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6355 on: Oct 10, 2022, 04:18:13 AM »


The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"


"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"They're looking for me"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6356 on: Oct 10, 2022, 06:48:17 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6357 on: Oct 11, 2022, 04:34:15 AM »


While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, This is for washing our hair.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
The curlers are on me.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6358 on: Oct 12, 2022, 04:03:46 AM »


The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.' 'Forget the bonus,' the turkey said, 'All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?'


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6359 on: Oct 13, 2022, 04:03:17 AM »


One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want, to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind; I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that, St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives whom she had worked with, and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.


They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.


"Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."


So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down, back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.

She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."


The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you're STAFF."




 


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