Comic Relief!!

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Flying home from France on a recent trip I noticed a rather haggard looking mom walking into the customs area with eight children-- all under age 10. Collecting their many suitcases, the nine of them entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched the large entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?'' ''Yes, sir,'' the lady said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.''

The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or drugs in your possession?''

''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

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Three Old Ladies Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down. " The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," she raps her knuckles on the table, then says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                   Why do Grandpas smile all the time?

                   Because they can't hear a word you're saying

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A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"

 The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"

 The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"

 By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."

 Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"

 The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

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HIS and HERS Road Trip

 HERS:

 Pulls off at wrong exit.

 opens window

 asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer

 Arrives at destination presently.

 HIS:

 Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

 Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

 Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

 Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air

 Pulls up to a 7 -11

 Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky

 Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

 Gets back into car.

 Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

 Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.

 Almost hits a deer

 Curses the night

 Curses you

 Curses the large slurpee

 Drives and fiddles with radio.

 Yells at you for suggesting the map again

 Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

 He hates your sister.

 Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel

 He had to look up pernicious.

 Couldn't find a dictionary.

 Finally found a dictionary

 Couldn't spell pernicious.

 Seethes at the memory of it all

 But she is laughing inside...

 And of course you're still lost.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                  A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of
                  orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
                  As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her
                  watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases,
                  the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation,
                  but she was Intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.   
                  She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections   
                  that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her,
                 she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

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In troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:












   1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
   2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
   3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
   4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

[Green Mountian Hunter]