Comic Relief!!

[30-30]

Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test.


   

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.

As we grow older, it’s important to keep mentally alert.

If you don’t use it, you will lose it !!!


   

Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test.

Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.


   

Take this test to determine if you’re losing it or not.


   

The spaces below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve answered.


   

OK, RELAX, clear your mind and begin.


   


   


   


   


   


   

#1. What do you put in a toaster ?


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and go do something else.


   

And, try not to hurt yourself.    If you said, bread, go to Question #2.


   


   


   


   


   


   


   

# 2. Say 'silk' ten times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink ?


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.


   

Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat.



   






Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World.


   

However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question #3.


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   

# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from ?


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.


   


   


   

If you said 'green bricks', why are you still reading this    PLEASE, go lie down !


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   

But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   

# 4. Please do not use a calculator for this for it would be cheating:


   


   


   

You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia.


   

In Staten Island, 17 people got on the bus.


   

In New Brunswick, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.


   

In Windsor, 2 people get off and 4 get on.


   

In Trenton, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.


   

In Bristol, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.


   

And, in Camden, 6 people get off and 3 get on.


   


   


   

You then arrive at Philadelphia Station.


   


   


   


   


   

Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver ?


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   


   



   






Answer: Oh, for crying out loud !


   


   


   


   


   


   


   

Don't you remember your own age?!?! It was YOU driving the bus!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

 Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

 The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

 The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
















 
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
 
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
 
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
 
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
 
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
 
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
 
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
 
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
 
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
 
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
 
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

[30-30]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
 
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
 
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
 
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                  I was out with this girl; I bought some drinks. We went back to my hotel room,
                  she starts throwing up the drinks that I bought all over the hotel room;
                  it was very upsetting. It was like she was throwing up my money on my money.

[30-30]

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
 
'It is!'
 
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
 
'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
 
'I do!'
 
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
 
'He is!'
 
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
 
'He will.'
 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

          You wake up the next morning in your bathroom: no shirt on,
          a quarter stuck to your back, reach into your pocket for your money and it's -- nothing....
          Only thing scarier than that is same scenario, but you reach down your pocket and find $750,
          and you're like, 'Oh, what the " hell " did I do last night?'

[30-30]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
 
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
 
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
 
Man: 'What sins?'
 
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
 
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
 
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
 
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .. . . . I'm telling everybody!'
 

[Green Mountian Hunter]