Comic Relief!!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

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Women's instructions
 WOMEN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

 Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

 Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

 Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

 What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

 So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

 If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

 Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

 Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.

 Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

 Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

 Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

 The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

 If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

 A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".

 Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

 Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

 If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

 When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

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A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.

 A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.

 "Where can I buy one?" he is asked.

 Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.

 "I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money.

 I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?

 "Sure."

 The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news."

 I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.

 The city feller says just give me my money back then.

 "Can't, spent it already!"

 "Well... unload the mule then."

 "What ya gonna do with him?"

 "Raffle him off!"

 "Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!"

 "Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks."

 One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.

 "What did ya do with that dead mule?"

 "Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit."

 "Didn't anyone complain?"

 "Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

               

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                              Don't say this to a cop

 The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

 20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

 19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

 18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

 17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

 16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

 15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

 14. Bad cop. No donut.

 13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

 12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

 11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

 10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

 9. I pay your salary

 8. So uh, you on the take or what?

 7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

 6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

 5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

 4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

 3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

 2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

 1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

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A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

 "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

 "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

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A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.  At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.  As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.  "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"  "Yes, they help me sleep at night."  "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"  She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks.  And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."  You gotta love Grandmas!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                A wife returning from a fishing trip with her husband was telling her troubles to a neighbor.
               "I did everything all wrong again today," she said. "I talked too loud, I used the wrong bait,

                I reeled in too soon, and I caught more fish than he did."

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A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.  The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."  Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey.  Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."  A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid.  Make up your mind!  I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

          A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.
          One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth.
          He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.
         The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales.
         The baby weighed 21 lbs 13 oz.

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