Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 913192 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5415 on: Nov 25, 2020, 05:02:24 AM »


There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.
The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of sh*t.


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5416 on: Nov 26, 2020, 03:27:54 AM »


Q: What happens when you're too harsh on cranberries and make them sad?
A: They turn into blueberries.

Q: What's the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was Thanksgiving Day and he wanted people to think he was a chicken!


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5417 on: Nov 27, 2020, 03:54:39 AM »


It was enough to startle the little old lady out of her roots. There was the fish market person tossing trout clear across his shop to a man in fisherman uniform.
The fishermen caught six fish and then said: "All right Joe. Now I can truthfully tell my wife I caught six fish today."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5418 on: Nov 29, 2020, 06:42:29 AM »
 ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5419 on: Dec 01, 2020, 03:38:37 AM »


A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"
The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.
"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5420 on: Dec 02, 2020, 03:42:55 AM »


Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5421 on: Dec 03, 2020, 03:42:48 AM »


One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge. He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened. The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"
"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5422 on: Dec 03, 2020, 05:32:01 AM »
 ;D loo


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5423 on: Dec 03, 2020, 05:40:06 AM »
 ;D loo


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5424 on: Dec 04, 2020, 04:16:47 AM »

With the Covid 19 cases rising our governor has issued a mandate that the
 seven dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of 6...
One of them isn’t Happy!


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5425 on: Dec 06, 2020, 10:53:05 AM »
 ;D l


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5426 on: Dec 07, 2020, 04:44:22 AM »


A man took his son to the zoo. They found the monkey cage very entertaining until the father noticed two monkeys in a compromising position which embarrassed him to no end because his son was watching.
He walked up to the keeper and asked if he could stop them. The keeper told him that they are in their natural habitat and could not do anything about it. The father asked the keeper, "If I throw peanuts at them, do you think they would stop?"
The keeper looked at the father in the eye and said, "Would you?"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5427 on: Dec 07, 2020, 07:40:56 AM »
 ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5428 on: Dec 08, 2020, 03:42:22 AM »


A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'.”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
The father looked at him and said, "Okay, just whisper in my ear."



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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5429 on: Dec 09, 2020, 04:02:09 AM »


Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning, Same thing happens again, his hair is standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn’t believe it!

He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."



 


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