Comic Relief!!

[chuckrudy]

good one

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the Green Grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

[chuckrudy]

good one.

[Cargo]

good one 30-30

[Green Mountian Hunter]

           

[30-30]

A farmer was sitting at the table while his wife was preparing dinner.

His wife dropped a spoon and bent over to pick it up. As she bent over the farmer said, "Honey, your butt is as big as a combine."

The wife picks up the spoon and continues cooking with no comment to her husband.

As she put the dinner on the table she dropped the pepper shaker on the floor.

While she was bent over picking it up the farmer said, "Honey I take that back. Your butt is as big as two combines!"

The wife picks up the pepper, sets it on t he table and begins eating with no comment to her husband.

Later on that night after the couple had gone to bed the farmer started feeling a little frisky. As he cuddled up to his wife he noticed that there was no response on her end. He tapped his wife on the shoulder and asked her what was wrong.

She replied, "Do you really think that I am going to fire up $300,000 dollars worth of machinery for one little corn cob?"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

Nice 

[chuckrudy]

good one.

[30-30]

Maude and Owen, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Owen asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening. Afterwards, Owen asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Owen for a most enjoyable roll in the feathers.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in private thoughts.

Owen was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have removed my pantyhose."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex". "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school"

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men, the dad answers. Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.

"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

[centerpinjosh]

  that's awesome

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example:

1. Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

2. Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but it can wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

3. Tire -- Male, because it goes bald, and often it's over-inflated.

4. Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it -- and, of course, there's the hot air part.

5. Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.

6. Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7. Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.

8. Hourglass -- Female, because, over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9. Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10. Remote Control -- Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider: it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.