Comic Relief!!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

   nice

[30-30]

BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.


Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
 
Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.
 
Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
5)  The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap .
 
 
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground....
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..
 
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
 
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you  once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
 
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
 
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.
 

SUCCESS:  How true this one is.
 
At age 4 success is . . . ... Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is ... . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is ..... . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . ... . Having money.
At age 50 success is . .. .. Having money.
At age 70 success is . ... . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is ... ... Having friends.
At age 80 success is . .. .. Not piddling in your pants.

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                                   Slices of Pizza


                A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering,
      the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

           "Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

[30-30]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of her car. The driver tried to avoid it , but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.



"What happened to you?," asked Hillary .

 

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful crazed twin daughters made passionate love to me."



"What did you tell them?" asked Hillary.



The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, “I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.” The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                                                  Ice Fishing

                                    A newfie went ice fishing. Heard a voice.
                        " There's no fish there" Gets up, goes a few feet further.
                      Digs a hole and starts fishing again. Again, he hears the voice.
             "There's no fish there" Newfie looks up, is that you Lord No, said the voice.

                                     "Its the Manager of the Arena."

[30-30]

 

A blonde girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the "upturn."

 

"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.

 

"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"

 

"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.

 

"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."

 

"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."

 

To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity....  What's the difference?  All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant.”

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                                                  Little Sister
               
                         A man and his wife were having sex one night in there bedroom.
                 There little boy opens the door and says "Daddy what are you doing to mama?
                   " Then the daddy says "Making you a little sister" And then the boy replies "

                                       " Hell no do it doggy style I want a puppy."

[30-30]

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.  A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.  The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.  The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

 

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."   

 

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,

 

"And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." 

 

The manager okayed the deal, and the man went on his way.

 

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it.  You think on you feet and we like that around here.  Where are you from, son?"

 

The boy replied, "Canada, sir."

 

"Oh, really?  Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.

 

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

 

"My wife is from Canada!!"

 

The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

   
                                                      Newborn Baby
                                                           
                       Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
                         under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
                        "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
                        I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says,
                       "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really! Like a newborn baby?"
                       "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                                    Why is Healthcare reform so important to the enigmatic Barack Obama?
                     His pregnant mom was turned away from many hospitals and was forced to give birth in a manger!

[30-30]

                                    Why is Healthcare reform so important to the enigmatic Barack Obama?
                     His pregnant mom was turned away from many hospitals and was forced to give birth in a manger!

             That's what the Democrats want you to think!

[30-30]

One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A.   These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.  So they did this and had a great time.  However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.  Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final.

 

They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.  Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day.  The two guys were elated and relieved.

 

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them.  He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.  They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points.  "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy."  They did that problem and then turned the page. 

 

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.  It said:

 

(95 points) Which tire was flat?