Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 913835 times)

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5385 on: Oct 16, 2020, 03:33:11 AM »


A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she look back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again!

Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public in my whole life!" Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it one more time."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5386 on: Oct 17, 2020, 04:24:17 AM »


One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"
Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.
"She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz  drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck! "
"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5387 on: Oct 18, 2020, 03:59:36 AM »


At their granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be the brides grandparents. The DJ asked them, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"
The grandmother said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at the grandfather. He said, "She's probably right."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5388 on: Oct 19, 2020, 04:44:04 AM »


A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."



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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5389 on: Oct 20, 2020, 04:28:28 AM »


A wild-eyed man, dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat, entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."

"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch, and tell me your problem."

"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power--everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."

"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"

"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5390 on: Oct 21, 2020, 04:53:17 AM »


Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5391 on: Oct 22, 2020, 03:28:55 AM »


While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5392 on: Oct 23, 2020, 03:25:50 AM »


A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5393 on: Oct 25, 2020, 05:30:35 AM »


A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but you'll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, That's exactly right. He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, you've owned him for 10 years. He goes, That's incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep. And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying.

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5394 on: Oct 26, 2020, 03:10:15 AM »


Two friends, Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul's hand. Without looking down, Paul whispers, "What is this?"

Jim replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5395 on: Oct 27, 2020, 04:24:59 AM »


A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man," Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
 "Naw" said the redneck "I ain't got no license These are my Pet Fish."
" Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let" em swim" round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take" em home."
" That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said," It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."
" O. K.." , said the warden." I've got to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says," Well?"
" Well, what?" , says the redneck.
The warden says," When are you going to call them back?"
" Call who back?"
"The FISH" , replied the warden!
" What fish?" , replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5396 on: Oct 28, 2020, 03:10:36 AM »


I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.




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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5397 on: Oct 29, 2020, 05:22:25 AM »


A couple of young children are at day care one day when one of the little girls approaches Tommy and says, "Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?"

"Sure! What do you want me to do?" he asks.

The little girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" questions a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means..."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."



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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5398 on: Oct 30, 2020, 03:55:38 AM »


In the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface.

"Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man."

At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. Using an emissions detector, they followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater.

"Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut.

"I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5399 on: Oct 31, 2020, 04:47:13 AM »


Happy Halloween


Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria.

Q: What part of the street do vampires live on?
A: The dead end.

Q: What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin-pi!

Q: What can you say about a horrible mummy joke?
A: It Sphinx!

Q: What do you call a vampire that lives in a kitchen?
A: Count Spatula.

Q: What do ghosts wear when their eyesight gets blurred?
A: Spooktacles

Q: What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires?
A: Fangs-giving!

Q: What’s a zombie’s favorite cereal?
A: Rice Creepies.

Q: Where do ghosts go on holidays?
A: The Boohamas.

Q: What did one ghost say to the other?
A: Get a life!

Q: What did the fisherman say on Halloween?
A: Trick or trout. How do ghosts search the

Q: Web?
A: They use ghoul-gle.

Q: What goes around a haunted house and never stops?
A: A fence.

Q: Who do monsters buy cookies from?
A: Ghoul scouts.

Q: Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story?
A: Because there are so many plots there!

Q: Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
A: Because they just had their brains scooped out!

Q: Where is the best place to party on Halloween?
A: The g-RAVE-yard.

Q: Why did the baby wrap itself in white cloth strips?
A: It was just trying to be just like its mummy.

Q: Why do ghosts like to hang out at bars?
A: Because all of the Boos.

Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body.



 


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