Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 915633 times)

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 9,246
  • FREE DROBS !!!!
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4740 on: Sep 03, 2018, 07:21:45 AM »
 ;D


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 9,246
  • FREE DROBS !!!!
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4741 on: Sep 03, 2018, 07:26:13 AM »
                 AFTER YOU

'"Have you heard my knock-knock joke?" asked the blonde.

"No," said the brunette.

"Okay," said the blonde. "You start."


Offline 30-30

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 6,877
  • Hunt America
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4742 on: Sep 04, 2018, 03:33:24 AM »



                    ;D

Offline 30-30

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 6,877
  • Hunt America
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4743 on: Sep 04, 2018, 03:33:57 AM »


65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
 
While on the operating table she had a near death experience..
Seeing God, She asked "Is my time up?"
 
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
 
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
 
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
Well make the most of it.
 
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
The street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
 
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
Another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
Ambulance?"
 
 
(You'll love this)
 
 
 
God replied:
” I didn't recognize you!!!!!"
 

Offline 30-30

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 6,877
  • Hunt America
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4744 on: Sep 05, 2018, 05:23:07 AM »

          One liners



Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
An escalator never breaks... it only becomes stairs.
When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
What will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do "without"?
If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.
18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.
Today is the last day of your life, so far.
No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions.
People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.
One half of the world will never understand the other half and it doesn't matter which half you're in.
I've discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week and the government spends 7.
You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.
No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.
The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can't hold it.
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the plane fare to leave.
#joke #policeman #doctor


Offline 30-30

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 6,877
  • Hunt America
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4745 on: Sep 06, 2018, 03:39:50 AM »


A teacher was reprimanding a teenager in the hall. "Do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't like get anything out of it."
"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.



Offline 30-30

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 6,877
  • Hunt America
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4746 on: Sep 07, 2018, 04:19:15 AM »


A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."


Offline 30-30

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 6,877
  • Hunt America
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4747 on: Sep 08, 2018, 05:33:17 AM »


New drugs for men...
With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.
Here are a few of the new ones:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving oncar trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directionswhen they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were farmore likely to actually finish a household repair project beforestarting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent ofmiddle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.



BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported asudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewellery and giftsafter taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whetherthe drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect ofmaking men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxiousintestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise intreating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 9,246
  • FREE DROBS !!!!
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4748 on: Sep 08, 2018, 07:25:38 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 6,877
  • Hunt America
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4749 on: Sep 09, 2018, 04:00:16 AM »


Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being outlate the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get in to trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 9,246
  • FREE DROBS !!!!
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4750 on: Sep 09, 2018, 06:22:08 AM »
 ;D


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 9,246
  • FREE DROBS !!!!
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4751 on: Sep 09, 2018, 06:22:53 AM »

     A BLONDE & HER THERMOS

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.

Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"

She replies, "Soup and ice cream."


Offline 30-30

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 6,877
  • Hunt America
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4752 on: Sep 10, 2018, 04:00:43 AM »


In the middle of the night
Husband: I won't be able to sleep after wards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 9,246
  • FREE DROBS !!!!
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4753 on: Sep 10, 2018, 05:13:57 PM »
 ;D


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

  • 30 Point Buck
  • ********
  • Posts: 9,246
  • FREE DROBS !!!!
Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4754 on: Sep 10, 2018, 05:26:30 PM »
A LAWYER'S IDEAL WEIGHT

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

A: About three pounds, including the urn.


 


SimplePortal 2.3.7 © 2008-2024, SimplePortal