Comic Relief!!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

hehehehe 

[30-30]

 newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

[chuckrudy]

Nice, I like it.

[30-30]

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to pee in the boat."

[30-30]

I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

 The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

 The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

 The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

[chuckrudy]

good one

[Green Mountian Hunter]

Nice 

[30-30]

           A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ...

 (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

 She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

 "Oh," she replies," that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing trip."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

hehehehe   

[30-30]

Parenting Humor


Fathers then & now
 Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

 In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

 Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.


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 In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

 Today, it's the size of his minivan.


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 In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.

 Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.


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 In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

 Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.


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 In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

 Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.


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 In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

 Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.


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 In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

 Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.


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 In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

 If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.


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 In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."

 Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."


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 In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

 Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."


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 In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

 Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."


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 In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

 Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"


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 In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

 Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.


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 In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.

 Today, he'll get a digital organizer.


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 In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."

 Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."


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 In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

 Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.


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 In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

 Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.


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 In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

 Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.


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 In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

 Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."


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 In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

 Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"


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 In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

 Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.


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 In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

 In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.


 

[DeerReaver]

 This should probably be printed on a card for men to carry in their wallet.

9 Words Women Use
 
( 1 ) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

( 2 ) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

( 3 ) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

( 4 ) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

( 5 ) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

( 6 ) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

( 7 ) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').

( 8 ) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...

( 9 ) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
 
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

[30-30]

              A young man and an old man were fishing on a pier.The young man started telling the old one that the night before he caught a trout that was over 3 1/2 foot long.

 The old man replied "Oh yea, well I was here 2 nights ago and I hooked something huge. After a 30 minute fight I finaly got it up and it was an old lantern and the thing was still lit."

 The young man said "Your lying. I can't believe that."

 Then the old man said "I'll tell you what, you knock a couple of foot off your trout and I'll blow out my lantern."

[Green Mountian Hunter]