Comic Relief!!

[30-30]

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.”

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.

Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?”

Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”

[30-30]

My grandson asked me this question  the other day.

  When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?

My reply was, Huh?

[30-30]

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.

 Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."

 Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."

 Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

 God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

[30-30]

Husband: “I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it.”
Wife: “You wear briefs, don’t you?”

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

            I was pondering again and these came to mind.

When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

 Does fuzzy logic tickle?

 Do blind Eskimoes heave seeing-eye sled dogs?

 Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

 Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

 How come wrong numbers are never busy?

 Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

 If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

 Why call it "take" a dump, when you leave something behind?

 What was the best thing before sliced bread?

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

 She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

 The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

            It time for dumb laws again, let's see what Indiana has!



•One man may not back into a parking spot because it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate.


•Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.


•All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.


•Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.


•Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.


•State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.


•Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest.


•A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.


•It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday.


•Drinks on the house are illegal.


•It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.


•A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b)


•Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session.


•Liquor stores may not sell milk.


•Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes.


•Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor.


•You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her.


•Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights.


•No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.


•Men are prohibited from standing in a bar.


•You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table. The waiter or waitress has to do it.


•"Spiteful Gossip" and "talking behind a person's back" are illegal.


•You are required to pour your drink into a glass.


•It is against the law to pass a horse on the street.


•If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Immoral Practices.


•Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day.


•A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.


•The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. (Repealed)


Auburn

•It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area. For these offesnses, there is a fine of no more than $5 or the impounding of one's bicycle for a period not to exceed 30 days.


Beech Grove

•It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park.


Elkhart

•It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears.


Evansville

•While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.


Fort Wayne

•You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record "It`s In the Book".


Gary

•Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.


South Bend

•It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.

[30-30]

  On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."

 By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

 On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

 "What?" said the puzzled groom.

 "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

 "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

 Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

 Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

 Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

 Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

 Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

 Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

 Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

 Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

 Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

 "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

 "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get scr$&$d

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

A lady went to see a tarot reader woman who'll predict her future:

- Lady, I'm sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future.
- Don't tell me things that I already know, tell me if there would be an investigation!!