Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 912617 times)

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5355 on: Sep 06, 2020, 03:36:38 AM »


Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?"

inquired the first fellow.

"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!!"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5356 on: Sep 07, 2020, 02:56:31 AM »


Two Viagra pills walked into a bar. They sat down next to two marijuana plants who were engrossed in an animated discussion.
"I don't get it," one marijuana plant said to the other, "Why aren't we legal? Nobody's being hurt by us."

One of the Viagra pills scoffed at them.
The marijuana plant turned to him and asked, "What's your problem, don't you think we should be legal?"

"No", the Viagra pill replied. "We're hard-on drugs."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5357 on: Sep 16, 2020, 04:48:32 AM »


A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5358 on: Sep 17, 2020, 05:07:30 AM »


Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.
He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said, "I've been thinking. There's no reason we can't go for a month." So Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of sea sick pills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, "You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask.
"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"



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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5359 on: Sep 18, 2020, 05:26:10 AM »


"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."




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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5360 on: Sep 19, 2020, 05:42:47 AM »


A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5361 on: Sep 20, 2020, 04:38:07 AM »


The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5362 on: Sep 21, 2020, 03:45:52 AM »


Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5363 on: Sep 22, 2020, 04:54:32 AM »


A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.

He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so.

He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5364 on: Sep 23, 2020, 04:00:07 AM »


A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

So she decided to be considerate and not rouse him this time. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom, only to find him sitting up in bed, reading.

"Oh No!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose EVERYTHING?!?"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5365 on: Sep 24, 2020, 04:02:47 AM »


A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower he said, "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where?"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5366 on: Sep 25, 2020, 04:03:21 AM »


When a woman wears leather clothing
A man's heart beats quicker
His throat gets dry
He goes weak in the knees
and he begins to think irrationally
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new truck!!!


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5367 on: Sep 27, 2020, 04:50:47 AM »


In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. The undertaker, true to his word, instructed his men to inscribe on the tombstone what the lady had requested. The men went to carve it, but as they were lazy and it was close to quitting time, they decided the inscription was unnecessarily long. So they simply carved:
"Returned unopened."



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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5368 on: Sep 28, 2020, 04:40:01 AM »


At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'
The woman wrote: "When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Sam and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical sex with one another."
And Sam wrote: "I love sex."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5369 on: Sep 29, 2020, 04:04:02 AM »


Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! "

"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."


 


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