Comic Relief!!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                        Fishing vs Sex
     
               You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and make it promises.

               When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

               Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

               In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In love you lie to still be friends after you let it go.

               You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

               You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

               Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

[30-30]

An Ode to Beer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed by thy drink.
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk)
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage’s,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, the lager,
For ever and ever
Barmen

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                   A vegetarian has a carrot sticking out of one ear, celery out of the other, and a mushroom up his nose.

                   He goes to the doctor and asks him what's wrong. The doctor tells him,

                 "Well, for one thing, you're not eating right."

[30-30]

 



                                   

[30-30]

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                    What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?

                     A visitor .....

[30-30]

                     

[30-30]

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings
 the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy
 goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
  "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

 "So, what's your story?"

 The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and
 I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no
 time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with
 spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
 eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

 The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
 younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport
 to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious
 characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and
 was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now
 I'm just retired."

 The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
 for the dog.

 The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the
 owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

 The owner replies, "Because he's such a liar."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag full of fruit and said, "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit and you tell me which fruit I'm talking about. Alright, the first one is round, plump, and red. Little Johnny raised his hand high but the teacher ignored him and picked Deborah who promptly answered, "Apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now the second one is soft, fuzzy and colored red and brown." Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him but she calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, it's a potato, but I like your thinking," the teacher replies. "Okay the next one is long, yellow, and fairly hard." Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically but the teacher calls on Sally who say, "A banana." The teacher responds, "No, it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is irritated now so he speaks up loudly, "Hey, I've got one for you teacher. Let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it. It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries, "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

A man complained to his doctor that his wife never wanted to have sex. The doctor told him to bring her in for a checkup. When she arrived, the doctor asked her about her libido.

“Well, doctor,” she replied, “the truth is that every morning I take a cab to work and the cabbie always asks me, ‘So are you gonna pay today or what?’ And since we don’t have much money, I always give him the ‘or what’.”

“That makes me late for work so my boss yells at me, ‘So are we going to dock your salary or what?’ And since we need the money, I always give him the ‘or what.’ By the time I get home, I don’t feel like having any more sex.”

“Hmmmmm,” thought the doctor, “I see. So, are we going to tell your husband about this, or what?”