Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 911415 times)

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4485 on: Apr 27, 2018, 02:01:50 AM »


A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, 'Let's get off the corner.'
No one moved, so he barked again, 'Let's get off the corner!' Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, 'Well, how did I do?'
'Pretty good,' replied the veteran, 'especially since this is a bus stop.'


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4486 on: Apr 28, 2018, 07:00:22 AM »


After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4487 on: Apr 29, 2018, 04:20:46 AM »


Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4488 on: Apr 29, 2018, 06:26:40 AM »
 ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4489 on: Apr 30, 2018, 04:16:27 AM »

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper


« Last Edit: Apr 30, 2018, 04:18:50 AM by 30-30 »

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4490 on: May 01, 2018, 03:11:37 AM »


There was a man who couldn’t stand his wife’s cat. So, one day, he decided to get rid of him by dumping him a long way away from the house.
He put the cat in the car and drove about 20 blocks away, then he left him at the park. But when he got home, the cat was there as if nothing had happened.
The next day he decided to take the cat somewhere further away, about 50 blocks. He put him out of the car and drove home. And again, the cat was there waiting for him. ‘This is impossible,’ said the man to himself. ‘tomorrow I’ll make sure he can’t come back!’
The next day he puts the cat in the car and he drives around, taking turn after turn – right, left, right, right and so on. Eventually, after about an hour of driving, he finally lets the cat out and drives home.
A few hours later, the phone rings at his house and his wife answers it. It’s the husband, and he asks: “Is the cat there?” “Why, yes.” says the wife, “he’s been here quite a while, where are you?”
“Please put himon the phone, I’m lost and I need directions.”


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4491 on: May 01, 2018, 03:44:53 AM »
 ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4492 on: May 02, 2018, 04:47:28 AM »


Two Rednecks & a Weed Eater!
 
Two rednecks, Jimbo and Bubba, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jimbo turns to Bubba and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.  Tomorrow I think I'll go to Community College and sign up for some classes."
 
Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jimbo goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
 
'Logic?' Jimbo says. 'What 's that?'
 
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
 
'Yeah.'
 
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'
 
'That's true , I do have a yard '
 
'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'
 
'Yes, I do have a house.' '
 
And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
 
'Yes, I have a family.'
 
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be heterosexual.'
 
'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'
 
Excited to take the class now, Jimbo shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bubba at the bar.
 
He tells Bubba about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
 
'Logic?' Bubba says, 'What's that?'
 
Jimbo says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weedeater?'
 
'No'
 
'Then you're a queer.'
 
 
 


 





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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4493 on: May 03, 2018, 03:41:40 AM »


               This is a long read but well worth it, so enjoy!

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)
Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " (1991)
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987)




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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4494 on: May 04, 2018, 03:21:11 AM »


A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup..
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration?
Old Maxine was sitting in the back smoking a cigarette along with a shot of Jack Daniels in her hand, quickly raised her other hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4495 on: May 05, 2018, 04:26:59 AM »
 ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4496 on: May 06, 2018, 05:05:06 AM »


An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.

It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas
mission parish. He walked to the window of his
bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
 
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead
in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones.
How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley
at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead
in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a
couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit
and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would
have a little fun with the good father, replied,
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that
you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true;
but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first,
which is the reason for me call."

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4497 on: May 07, 2018, 03:32:05 AM »
 ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4498 on: May 07, 2018, 03:59:04 AM »


Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, he said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does I'm eating a hamburger!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4499 on: May 07, 2018, 04:30:07 PM »
 ;D


 


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