Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 397376 times)

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4335 on: Jan 04, 18, 03:38:40 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4336 on: Jan 05, 18, 03:00:27 AM »



A wealthy Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him  later and walks away.



The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?" 



"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."



"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"



"I can understand how you feel, replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."??



Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. 



"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife. 



"That's his mistress," says her husband. 


"Ours is prettier," she replies.*

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4337 on: Jan 06, 18, 03:26:45 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4338 on: Jan 06, 18, 03:41:43 AM »


A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free". He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going too!" he replied.

"Why?" She asked.

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!

Offline fishnmachine

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4339 on: Jan 06, 18, 05:24:10 PM »


It'll chew...

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4340 on: Jan 07, 18, 03:53:00 AM »


For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you're sitting there reading jokes

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4341 on: Jan 07, 18, 07:25:50 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4342 on: Jan 12, 18, 03:54:13 AM »


A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office . “Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”

A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.

“Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4343 on: Jan 13, 18, 04:51:13 AM »


To get his mind off his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding. Being a novice, he freaked when his horse took off.

"How do I get it to slow down?!" he yelled.

"Bet on it!" I hollered back.

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4344 on: Jan 14, 18, 04:08:15 AM »


From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that."

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4345 on: Jan 14, 18, 03:33:44 PM »
 ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4346 on: Jan 16, 18, 03:03:00 AM »


 A pediatric nurse often have the painful job of giving shots to the children. One day upon entering the examining room to give a shot the little girl starting screaming “NO! NO! NO!”
 “Jessica” her mother scolded, “that is not polite behavior!”
At that the girl continued to scream “NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU!”

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4347 on: Jan 16, 18, 03:48:28 AM »
 ;D ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4348 on: Jan 17, 18, 04:50:29 AM »


Two young boys were out playing. One of them was showing off his new water pistol.

"Tell your mom you want one of these too. Then we can shoot water at each other" he exclaimed.

" I don't think so", said the other boy. " My mom says we have hard water"!

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4349 on: Jan 19, 18, 02:55:03 AM »


Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? Also they track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

I think the solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.

 


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