Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 915891 times)

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4320 on: Dec 15, 2017, 03:57:18 AM »
nice one fish   ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4321 on: Dec 15, 2017, 03:59:02 AM »


 A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

 "Why?" she asks.

 "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4322 on: Dec 16, 2017, 05:44:22 AM »

In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a cowboy, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"

"Ya mean women?" asked the cowboy. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks shag sheep."

"That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degredation."

However, after a few months, the correspondent's loins were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.

Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.

"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been shagging sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!"

One cowboy spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4323 on: Dec 16, 2017, 06:21:25 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4324 on: Dec 19, 2017, 02:43:55 AM »


One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy."

"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4325 on: Dec 21, 2017, 03:11:37 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4326 on: Dec 29, 2017, 04:41:18 AM »



A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
> >
> >       The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
> >
> >       The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"
> >
> >       The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
> >
> >       The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"
> >
> >       The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.
> >
> >       As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up,
> >
> >       and danced a jig out the door.
> >
> >       Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.
> >
> >       Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.
> >
> >       The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm on disability."
 

 

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4327 on: Dec 30, 2017, 04:05:52 AM »

A guy walked into a bar in Alabama and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.

The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy said, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy said nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4328 on: Dec 30, 2017, 03:51:13 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4329 on: Dec 31, 2017, 04:08:23 AM »


Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned."

Offline seags

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4330 on: Dec 31, 2017, 10:21:10 AM »

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned."
I like that one, but what if they drank whiskey?

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4331 on: Dec 31, 2017, 03:10:06 PM »
 Would be something to see   ;D ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4332 on: Jan 01, 2018, 05:39:56 AM »


An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4333 on: Jan 01, 2018, 07:31:42 AM »
 ;D ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4334 on: Jan 04, 2018, 03:19:39 AM »


An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

 


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