Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 318512 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4275 on: Oct 31, 17, 04:15:58 AM »


 Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great flying broomstick?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful witch flew up on this broomstick. She threw the broomstick to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” The first engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”     

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4276 on: Nov 02, 17, 02:50:09 AM »


Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

 Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

 Sunny: "What's that?"

 Tina: "A condom."

 Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

 Tina: "You can get them at any pharmacy"

 The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local pharmacy and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

 The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

 "Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

 The pharmacist fainted.

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4277 on: Nov 02, 17, 03:46:50 AM »
 ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4278 on: Nov 04, 17, 06:13:14 AM »


A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

 After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

 The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4279 on: Nov 04, 17, 12:01:05 PM »
 ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4280 on: Nov 05, 17, 02:26:47 AM »


An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

 Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

 Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

 Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

 The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

 The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4281 on: Nov 05, 17, 05:58:29 AM »
 ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4282 on: Nov 06, 17, 04:15:34 AM »


Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge glass of that drink.

 The first man went down yelling, ''Beerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.

 The second guy went down the slide yelling,''lemonadeee!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade.

 The third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4283 on: Nov 06, 17, 04:16:55 PM »
 ;D ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4284 on: Nov 07, 17, 05:05:00 AM »

   
               Since it's Election Day we should look at what some of our candidates say after being elected, so choose wisely!

 
Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel agent with 30 years experience. Should we be worried about some of the people running our country?

 I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

 I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... (click).

 A Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"

 I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

 An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

 A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude." After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I actually was laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

 A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

 I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them

 A Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"

 A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

 A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4285 on: Nov 08, 17, 04:00:35 AM »


An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.

 After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

 "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?"

 "It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life".

 "Well, then", she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?"

 "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself".

 The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain - "And how's your sex life...."

 "Infrequently", he declares.

 The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking... "And is that one word or two?

Offline joe snag

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4286 on: Nov 16, 17, 05:14:16 AM »

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4287 on: Today at 05:16:43 AM »


John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.


"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"


Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.


"How do you know this, Sister?"


"My Mother Superior told me so."


"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"


"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"


"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"


"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"


"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."


The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.


"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"


"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

 



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