Comic Relief!!

[30-30]

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

 The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.

 They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

[30-30]

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.

 To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.

 Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"

[30-30]

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the salesclerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

 "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."

 "I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good.

 While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants  for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

 As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

 Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

What CONFUCIUS NEARLY SAID
 
 
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
 
 
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
 
 
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
 
 
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
 
 
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
 
 
Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
 
 
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
 
 
War does not determine who is right   It determines who is left.
 
 
Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night.
 
 
It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
 
 
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
 
 
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
 
 
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
 
 
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

An Annapolis computer science major was given an artificial intelligence assignment for one of his classes. He ended up creating a program where you could have a conversation with your computer based on your IQ level.

 To test his program he entered 80 and had a conversation with his Soap Operas. He entered 100 and talked about politics. He entered 150 and talked about nuclear physics.

 Just to see what would happen he entered a -50 and the computer bumped and belched and sparked and smoked for a good 10 minutes. When it finally settled down it displayed "On Brave Old Army Team....."

[30-30]

 There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash. "No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!" The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper.

 This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper. On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

There was a great eruption of a south sea island volcano, and the witch doctor appealed to the tribal chief, demanding that a virgin be sacrificed to appease the volcano.

 The chief apologized, "I've used up all the virgins myself, so I guess we'll just have to get used to the noise."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

hehehe 

[30-30]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

 The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

 The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[Raquettedacker]

HeHe.

[30-30]

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

 He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

 "Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

 Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

 The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

 Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"

 The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

 Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

 "Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

 Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

 "I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one.." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

 Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

 Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

 Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It is Colin Powell!"

 Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

 And that is what's wrong with our government.

[Green Mountian Hunter]