Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 913912 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4950 on: Feb 22, 2019, 04:59:11 AM »


Madge had been lonely for many years after her husband's death. She decided she wanted to get married again. But, she didn't know any eligible men. So she decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad contained three criteria:
1. The man would not beat her. (like her previous husband)
2. The man would not run around on her. (like her previous husband)
AND 3. The man was good in bed.
The day after the ad ran, Madge's doorbell rang. When she answered the doorbell, she found a man in a wheelchair. She asked the man if she could help him and he said he was there to respond to the ad. Madge asked the man what ad he was talking about. He said the ad for the Husband. Then Madge told him that there were specific needs in the ad. The man in the wheelchair replied:
1. Look at me, I have no arms, so I can't beat you.
2. I have no legs, so I can't run around on you.
Madge replied, "But there was one more important criterion the ad." The man in the wheelchair then asked: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4951 on: Feb 23, 2019, 04:21:11 AM »


A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
'It ain't so bad,' one crook noted. 'We got $25 between us.'
The boss screamed: 'I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $100 when we broke in!'

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4952 on: Feb 24, 2019, 03:28:27 AM »


A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."



The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not!

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4953 on: Feb 24, 2019, 12:14:23 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4954 on: Feb 25, 2019, 04:01:15 AM »


Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife... she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... women like that are hard to find."




Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4955 on: Feb 26, 2019, 04:53:28 AM »


A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4956 on: Feb 27, 2019, 03:57:50 AM »


Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.
"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."
"That's from your grandma," said Josh.

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4957 on: Feb 28, 2019, 03:17:47 AM »


Its raining and this midget goes to the doctors and says "Every time it rains my fanny gets sore".
He tells her to hop onto the examining couch. He bends over and looks up her skirt. "I see the problem," he says. And taking a pair of scissors shoves them up her skirt. Snip snip snip snip he goes with the scissors. "There that's fixed it" he says. "Your fanny wont be sore any more"
"Did you operate on my fanny doctor?" asks the midget.
"No" said the doctor, "I cut 2 inches off the tops of your wellingtons".



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4958 on: Mar 01, 2019, 04:42:51 AM »



One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally
fell from a bridge into a very cold river.

Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident.

Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and

dragged the wet president out of

the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of

the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it,

I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to

Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.



"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the

grateful defender of the Western Hemisphere.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the

third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not

handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved

from drowning."




Offline myemmy

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4959 on: Mar 01, 2019, 05:57:47 AM »
Hey, just a note of thanks for all the jokes keep them coming !

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4960 on: Mar 01, 2019, 04:09:42 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4961 on: Mar 02, 2019, 04:00:03 AM »


An attorney got home late one evening after a very frustrating day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Clarence Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the state governor had been denied and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Why didn't you call if you were going to be late? What am I supposed to do with your cold dinner? Where the hell have you been?" and so on.
Too upset to even respond to her harangue, he poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak. He could still hear her continuing diatribe until he closed the bathroom door.
While he was in the bath the phone rang. The wife answered to be told that Wright, her husband's client, had been granted a stay of execution.
She went upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's posterior as he was bent over naked cleaning the tub.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
The attorney turned his head and said wearily "My God, woman, don't you ever stop?"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4962 on: Mar 03, 2019, 04:55:50 AM »


The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply.
"Really?"
"Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4963 on: Mar 03, 2019, 04:57:02 AM »

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4964 on: Mar 04, 2019, 03:39:07 AM »
 ;D


 


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