Comic Relief!!

[CAPTJJ]

[Green Mountian Hunter]

            Nice one Capt.   

[30-30]

                                       
                                                                   Is Santa a Woman?
 

I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy a
 sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is
 a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough
 time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
 
 For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
 gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem
 surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and
 mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm
 convinced Santa is a woman.
 
 Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up
 Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the
 tree, still in the bag.
 
 Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
 there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead,
 gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed,
 desperate claims that buck season had been extended.
 Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
 
 Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
 problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow
 and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
 
 Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
 
 - Men can't pack a bag.
 - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
 - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
 with all those elves.
 - Men don't answer their mail.
 - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in
 jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
 - Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
 - Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
 ability to pick up women.
 - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.


 
 
 
 

 
 
 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, 'Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

'No, madam, 'he replied, 'they're all dead.'

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building. The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"

So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death. That weekend at the funeral, the Italian and the Chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me." And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde replies "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[chuckrudy]

good one.

[30-30]

It was near Christmas and Clyde and Sam decided to build an ice skating rink in the middle of their pasture. A shepherd happened to be leading his flock nearby and decided to take a shortcut across the frozen field. But the sheep were afraid of the ice and wouldn't go onto it. The shepherd became frustrated and began tugging them along to the other side.

"Look at that," said Clyde. "That guy's trying to pull the wool over our ice!"

[30-30]

[30-30]

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

Christmas Present
 The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

 When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

 I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."

 The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

 "It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

 Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."

 When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

 Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

 And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.

 So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."

[slt]

Two friends that have never been,decide to take up deer hunting. Neither has any experience in the great outdoors. On opening day they drive to the woods and separate, agreeing to meet back at the truck for lunch. Around lunch time one is heading back when he hears a racket in the brush. Assuming it's a deer he shoots into the thicket  BANG,BANG,BANG. He runs over to see what he has shot and finds his friend wounded. He is very excited and quickly pulls out his cell phone and dials 911

"Emergency dispatch,.What is your emergency?"

" I just shot my friend, I don't know what to do. I need help! I think he's dead!"

" Ok sir, try to remain calm so we can help you. Are you sure he's dead? "

" BANG......I am now. Now what?"

[30-30]

                                                                      Twenty ways to confuse Santa Claus

 1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

 2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

 3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

 4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

 5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

 6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

 7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

 8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

 9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

 10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. " Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. "

 11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

 12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

 13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

 14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

 15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

 16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

 17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.

 18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.

 19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

 20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.

[30-30]

An male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could
 never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love
 with a elf nurse.

 One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft
 music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of
 his problem.

 "Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."

 Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots
 smaller than that."

 "Really?" the relieved elf asked.

 She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."