Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 913450 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6600 on: May 23, 2023, 04:30:20 AM »


"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."


"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6601 on: May 24, 2023, 04:38:57 AM »


A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6602 on: May 25, 2023, 03:40:04 AM »


At my friends' wedding reception, the groom stood to say a few words. He turned to his bride's mother. "You've given me a gift," he began, "a gift that..."
Here he paused in thought, whereupon his mother-in-law completed the sentence, "That you can't return!"




Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6603 on: May 26, 2023, 03:53:25 AM »


Me to the postman: This empty envelope must be from my sister Charlotte.
Postman: Now why would she send you an empty envelope?
Me: We had an argument, and she's not talking to me..


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6604 on: May 28, 2023, 04:31:34 AM »


An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, " Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had..."

The wife replies, "Yes, go on tell me."

So the husband says "I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married."

The wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare."

The husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6605 on: May 30, 2023, 04:36:28 AM »


Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, getting up from the table and going out the door to the office.

At 10am, the doorbell rang. When the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1pm, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. When he did, she exclaimed, "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress! I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6606 on: May 30, 2023, 05:09:08 AM »
 ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6607 on: Jun 01, 2023, 04:14:01 AM »



A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6608 on: Jun 02, 2023, 05:54:37 AM »


 My first apartment was so close to the Airport...
That every time I went to the kitchen to make a brew and a sandwich, the stewardess told me to get back to my seat.


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6609 on: Jun 03, 2023, 04:01:39 AM »


A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund. The passerby asked him why a cowboy would own that kind of dog.

The cowboy answered, "Well, somebody told me to get along little doggie."




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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6610 on: Jun 04, 2023, 04:30:24 AM »


A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature".
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?

She thought for some time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6611 on: Jun 06, 2023, 03:51:15 AM »


A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6612 on: Jun 06, 2023, 05:09:41 AM »
 :)


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6613 on: Jun 07, 2023, 04:25:09 AM »


My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, “Take it, Max,” as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.
Recently, I was travelling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, “I think I'll let Tom drive for a while.”

“Tom who?” I asked.

My mother translated for me: “Tom Cruise, of course.”


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6614 on: Jun 08, 2023, 04:49:17 AM »


What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter.

Three men were in a boat and had four cigarettes, but no lighter,
So they threw one cigarette overboard,
and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.

I used to be a programmer for autocorrect
They fried me for no raisin

I have the body of a 24 year old....
but it's in the freezer

How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, it’s girl ant, but if it floats…

Its impossible for viruses to spread throughout an ant colony?
Because of all the little antey bodies.

What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.

Why do Norwegian warships have a barcode on the side of them?
So that they can Scandinavian

I bought shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day




 


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