Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 723191 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6390 on: Nov 04, 2022, 03:35:25 AM »


Jesus and Moses were teeing off on a 149 yd par 3, with water hazard.

Jesus pulled out his wedge and hit his first ball into the water;

"I don't understand", he said, "I saw Arnold Palmer hit a wedge to the green on this same hole yesterday!"

Again he dropped a ball on the ground and repeated the shot with the same results....

Moses said,"Get a longer iron or you'll never make it across"

Jesus dropped another ball to the ground and repeated the swing dropping the third ball in the water short of the green.

"That was my last ball!" Jesus remarked as he walked across the water fishing for his lost balls.

A foursome approached the green and one man replied, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"

Moses replied, "He thinks he Arnold Palmer"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6391 on: Nov 05, 2022, 04:17:03 AM »


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and said, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"


Offline monk

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6392 on: Nov 05, 2022, 05:54:32 AM »
 MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! God Bless America!
"Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young."
Theodore Rooseve

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6393 on: Nov 06, 2022, 04:14:36 AM »

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6394 on: Nov 06, 2022, 04:15:03 AM »


A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.

Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6395 on: Nov 07, 2022, 03:13:10 AM »


A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, "I would give anything for a birdie on this hole." A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the hole and whispered, "If you give up one quarter of your sex life, I guarantee you will make this shot."The golfer said "OK." He made the shot for birdie.A few holes later, he was having trouble on another hole. "Please, let me make this for eagle" he said.Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, "If you give up another quarter of your sex life, you will make eagle.""You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win. The stranger again stepped up and said "If you give up the last half of your sex life, you will make eagle to win.""OK," the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, "I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, "Nice to meet you, my name is Father O'Malley!"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6396 on: Nov 08, 2022, 03:30:19 AM »


What does the starship enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle around Uranus and wipe out Klingons.

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6397 on: Nov 09, 2022, 03:41:23 AM »

An angry wife to her husband on phone: "Where the hell are you?"
Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"
Wife, with a smile and blushing: "Yeah I remember that my love!"
Husband: "I'm in the pub just next to that shop."



Offline monk

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6398 on: Nov 16, 2022, 06:36:11 AM »
 MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! God Bless America!
"Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young."
Theodore Rooseve

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6399 on: Nov 20, 2022, 04:00:17 AM »


The Priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

Still the man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know for sure where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6400 on: Nov 21, 2022, 03:44:57 AM »


An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6401 on: Nov 22, 2022, 03:47:47 AM »


A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."



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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6402 on: Nov 23, 2022, 03:54:50 AM »


You can't spell gravity without gravy...
And you can't spill gravy without gravity!



Offline aquaassassin

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6403 on: Nov 23, 2022, 01:59:39 PM »

You can't spell gravity without gravy...
And you can't spill gravy without gravity!

What’s the point? Horrible
It's not being cocky if you can back it up!

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6404 on: Nov 24, 2022, 04:14:52 AM »


A young man who worked at a grocery store had just finished stocking the turkeys in the freezer when a woman approached and asked, “Excuse me, do these turkeys get any bigger?” “No ma’am,” he replied. “These turkeys are dead.”


 


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