Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 912824 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5790 on: Aug 18, 2021, 04:28:02 AM »


Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies ... "No matter what!"
On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"
The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks. Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop two inches from the cup.
"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"
The man gave him a wry smile, "Your 7 iron!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5791 on: Aug 18, 2021, 07:04:47 AM »
 :D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5792 on: Aug 19, 2021, 03:50:46 AM »


A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5793 on: Aug 19, 2021, 06:39:35 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5794 on: Aug 20, 2021, 03:29:11 AM »


Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."

The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"

"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5795 on: Aug 20, 2021, 06:08:17 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5796 on: Aug 21, 2021, 04:52:46 AM »


The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5797 on: Aug 22, 2021, 03:08:08 AM »


An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5798 on: Aug 22, 2021, 06:53:01 AM »
 :D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5799 on: Aug 23, 2021, 03:26:55 AM »


Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm becoming Catholic."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5800 on: Aug 24, 2021, 02:11:53 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5801 on: Aug 24, 2021, 03:58:33 AM »


A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5802 on: Aug 24, 2021, 09:08:50 AM »
 :D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5803 on: Aug 25, 2021, 03:59:32 AM »


There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant.
Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for “enjoyment of food”

Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.

The manager said, “You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it.” The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, “Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it.”

The judge turned to Mike and said, “What do you have to say to that?” The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, “What is the meaning of that?” The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin, – “I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.”





Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5804 on: Aug 25, 2021, 11:42:32 PM »
 ;D


 


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