Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 325813 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4305 on: Dec 04, 17, 03:38:15 AM »


Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call. When they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

 "No doubt about it," the new deputy said, "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

 "You're right," the experienced deputy replied. "But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say, 'it could have been worse'."

 "No way. You're on."

 The old sheriff arrived at the scene. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes.

 "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."

 The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse."

 "Yes, it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me!"

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4306 on: Dec 05, 17, 03:27:14 AM »


A LITTLE STORY TO START YOUR CHRISTMAS SEASON IN THE RIGHT SPIRIT



 One day, when four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves


 did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began


 to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.


 Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which


 stressed Santa even more.


 When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them


 were about to give birth, and two others had jumped the fence and


 were out, Heaven knows where.


 When he began to load the sleigh, two of the floorboards cracked,


 the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.


 Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot


 of rum.


 When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk


 all the cider and hidden the rum.


 In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it


 broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen


 floor.


 He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the


 straw off the end of the broom.
 

 Just then the doorbell rang.  An irritated Santa marched to the


 door, yanked it open, and  ..... there stood a little angel with


 a big Christmas tree!


 The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't


 this a lovely day?


 I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick


  it?'


 And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the


 Christmas tree.


 Not a lot of people know this.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4307 on: Dec 06, 17, 03:32:15 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4308 on: Dec 06, 17, 04:15:10 AM »


Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

 "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."

 "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

 Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"

 "You mean a rose?"

 "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4309 on: Dec 07, 17, 03:47:31 AM »


Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, " I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
 "Odd," her companion replies, " But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it.

"Two dogs, please." Says the mother superior. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part of the dog did you get?"

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4310 on: Dec 08, 17, 03:34:22 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4311 on: Dec 08, 17, 04:05:19 AM »


A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning.

 "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze, so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."

 "That's a complicated order, sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

 The guest replied, "Oh, but that's what you gave me yesterday!"

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4312 on: Dec 09, 17, 04:10:07 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4313 on: Dec 11, 17, 03:20:26 AM »


A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital , saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex".
 
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4314 on: Dec 11, 17, 03:36:34 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4315 on: Dec 12, 17, 03:52:49 AM »


A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

 It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

 She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider.

 Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the surface over and over.

 As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune .........................

 The Store manager sees her and shuts the electric horse off.

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4316 on: Dec 12, 17, 02:15:47 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4317 on: Dec 13, 17, 04:26:34 AM »


Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Mann went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

 After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

 "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

 "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

 "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

 "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4318 on: Today at 03:29:04 AM »
 ;D


 


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