Comic Relief!!

[30-30]

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill

 Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember anything..

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

[30-30]

Last year on Thanksgiving, the childless farmer and his wife prayed for all their blessings. But, they also prayed that their loneliness of having no children be relieved.  Their prayers were answered and the wife became pregnant. She gave birth to triplets!  A friend remarked, "See, prayers are always answered."  The farmer then  replied, "Yes, but I never prayed for a bumper crop like this!"

[30-30]

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third.

 By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.

 In court the next week the judge asked the best man what happened.

 "Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs."

 "That must have hurt," said the judge.

 "No kidding," said the best man. "I broke my hand"

[30-30]

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna.

 Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

 "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

 A few minutes later a phone rang.

 The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

 The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

 The Irishman finally said, "Well, will you look at that. I'm getting a fax."


   

[30-30]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

 However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

 After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

 One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

 "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come."

 Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

 "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

 Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

 She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

 "Ten years," replies the Irishman.

 With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

 "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

 Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

 She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

 At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

 With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you as soon as possible. Please share this with others immediately!!

 Monica Lewinsky virus........Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

 Lorena Bobbit virus..........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

 Ellen Degeneres virus........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

 Titanic virus................Makes your whole computer go down.

 Disney virus.................Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

 Mike Tyson virus.............Quits after one byte.

 Prozac virus.......Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

 Woody Allen virus.........By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card.

 Joey Buttafuoco virus........Only attacks minor files.

 Spice Girl virus.............Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

 Ronald Reagan virus..........Saves your data, but forgets

 Dr. Kevorkian virus.....Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

 Oprah Winfrey virus........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

 Arnold Schwarzenegger virus........Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

 Then there is the Clinton PC. It has a six inch hard drive and no memory.

 FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS- Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

 PAUL REVERE VIRUS- This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending disk attack, once if by LAN, twice if by C.

 AT&T VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting.

 MCI VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.

 GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

 CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS- Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

 AIRLINE VIRUS- You're in Chicago but your data is in Singapore.

 STAR TREK VIRUS- Invades your system and boldly goes where no virus has gone before.

 TED TURNER VIRUS- Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

 PBS VIRUS-Your PC stops what it is doing every few minutes to ask for money.

[30-30]

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.

 The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "Whaa??" the teacher blubbered.

 Then I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got really upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

 Me: "Don't touch me!"

 Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

 Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.

 Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

 Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

 Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "the heart would be just below the left breast."

 Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[Green Mountian Hunter]