Comic Relief!!

[30-30]

[Green Mountian Hunter]

   Nice

[30-30]

Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several
 years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily
 walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait
 recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind
 their wives.
 
 Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is
 marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this
 reversal of roles?"
 
 The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

             These are some actual signs that have been seen around.

In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
 *
 On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
 *
 Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
 *
 In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you
 are on fire and take appropriate action."
 *
 On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
 *
 On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except
 the dog."
 *
 At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking
 for, you've come to the right place."
 *
 On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
 *
 On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
 *
 On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
 *
 At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss
 a car payment."
 *
 Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
 *
 In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
 *
 On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and
 the 2nd one just left."
 *
 In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
 *
 At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your
 bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
 *
 In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
 *
 On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take
 what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
 *
 In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in
 and get fed up."
 *
 Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

         This is a true story, I thought you'd all like to see it.

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son had
 asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good.
 God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if
 Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all, amen."
 
 Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman
 remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know
 how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream. Why, I never."
 
 Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is
 God mad at me?"
 
 As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was
 certainly not mad at him.
 
 An elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said,
 " I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
 
 "Really?", my son asked.
 
 "Cross my heart." Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the
 woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never
 asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
 
 Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared
 at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my
 life.
 
 He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in
 front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice
 cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already."

[chuckrudy]

nice

[myemmy]

Really   Nice!

[windwalker]

Good for your son , hope the lady was taken aback by his sincere gesture ...............through the eyes of a child is so true

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

  Nice

[30-30]

                       The General

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, a five-year-old boy
 picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum and shatter
 the peace on board the aircraft. No matter what his frustrated,
 embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy
 continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
From the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an
 Air Force general walks slowly forward up the aisle. Stopping
 the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-
 spoken general leans down and, motioning toward his chest
 whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms
 down, and sits quietly as his mother fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers are relieved and grateful; they smile
 and nod at the general with gestures of thanks as he slowly
 makes his way back to his seat.

One of the cabin attendants approaches the general. "Excuse me,
 sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words
 you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and confides, "I showed him my
 pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained
 that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door,
 on any flight I choose."

[chuckrudy]

Nice