Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 911227 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5325 on: Apr 29, 2020, 04:45:31 AM »


As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5326 on: Apr 30, 2020, 04:34:38 AM »


One night a man stumbled into the police station with a black eye. He claimed he had heard a noise in his back yard and went to investigate. The next he knew, he was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to his house to investigate, and he returned 1 1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5327 on: May 01, 2020, 03:06:29 AM »


A little child was in church for the first time and watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster said in a little voice loud enough for everyone to hear:

"Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5328 on: May 02, 2020, 04:08:49 AM »


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5329 on: May 03, 2020, 04:03:35 AM »


There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5330 on: May 04, 2020, 03:46:23 AM »


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, The Double Mint Twins are coming and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, William’s Big Stick Did the Trick, and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident, I just lost it.


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5331 on: May 05, 2020, 04:41:44 AM »


When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5332 on: May 06, 2020, 04:03:18 AM »


Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.

"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.

"Yes," replies her daughter.

"Do you still have any questions?"

"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

"In exactly the same way as with babies."

"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"


  IW

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5333 on: May 12, 2020, 05:23:34 AM »


Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."



"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."




Offline hunts2long

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5334 on: May 12, 2020, 06:47:58 AM »
Welcome back....h2l
Some days are diamonds some days are stone

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5335 on: May 14, 2020, 03:53:04 AM »


As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"


"Just snow," replied the stewardess.


"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."



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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5336 on: May 15, 2020, 05:32:28 AM »


A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing in front of her. An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump fuel into it.
The woman noticed the letters "U.F.O." printed on the side of the ship.
She turned to the alien and asked, "Does U.F.O. stand for Unidentified Flying Object?"
The alien answered, "No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5337 on: May 16, 2020, 03:22:51 AM »


A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said, "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up.

 IW

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5338 on: May 17, 2020, 04:25:07 AM »

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year olddaughter:
Mother: 'What does the cow say?'

Child: 'Moooo!'
Mother: 'Great! What does the cat say?'

Child: 'Meow.'
Mother: 'Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?'

And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, 'Bud.'.......Wiser



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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5339 on: May 18, 2020, 03:47:34 AM »


An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you!" he said. "I've been lost for three days."

"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."




 


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