Comic Relief!!

[30-30]

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: You don't they're born that way!

Q: What do blondes do they comb their hair?

A: They pull up their pants!

Q: Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?

A: Because it said "concentrate"!

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

A: Very Gifted!

Q : How can you tell a blonde has been using your computer?

A : There is white-out all over the computer screen!

Q : What do blondes and turtles have in common?

A : When they're on their backs, they're screwed.

Q: Why don't blondes have elavator jobs?

A: They don't know the route!

Q: How do blonde braincells die?

A: Alone!

Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?

A: Blow in her ear!

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday!

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?

A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions!

Q : How do you really confuse a blonde?

A : Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner!

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?

A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out!

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?

A: T*ts go in front!

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?

A: Toes go in first!

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?

A: Because everybody gets a turn!!

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?

A: Flattered!

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?

A: Tell her she's pregnant!

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?

A: Trying to hold on to a thought!

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

A: Run...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence?

A: To see what was on the other side!

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?

A: She heard that the drinks were on the house!

Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?

A: Third Grade!

Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

A: For throwing out the W's!

Q : What goes "vroom - screech | vroom-screech | vroom-screech"?

A : A blonde at a blinking red light.

Q: What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette?

A: Artificial intellegence

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?

A: They always forget the recipe!

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?

A: It took her 2 weeks to figure out that you could play it at night!

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?

A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold!

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the # 11???

A: She didn't know which 1 came first!

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?

A: She tried to drown it!

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?

A: She threw it off a cliff!

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it!

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?

A: They think someone is taking their picture!

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?

A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads!

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?

A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees!

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?

A: Reservations!

Q: There are three third grade girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. Which one has the biggest tits?

A: The blonde.... she's 18!

Q: What do you get when you put 20 blonde's ear to ear?

A: A WIND TUNNEL! Q: How do you drown a dumb blonde?

A:Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool!

Q : how did the blonde wreck the hellicopter?

A : she got cold and turned off the fan.

Q : What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?

A : Nothing, they've never met!

Q. How do you know when a blonde has been in your fridge?

A. there's lipstick on all the cucumbers.

Q:What do you call a blonde behind the steering wheel?

A: An airbag.

Q : What was the blonde doing up in the tree?

A : She was raking leaves.

Q : How can you tell a blonde has been in the bathroom?

A : There is make-up all over the mirror

Q : What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

A :You pick it up, pull the pin, and throw it back!!!

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A: If you smack the blonde she blonde she keeps on sucking!

Q.How does a blonde turn on a light after have sex?

A.She opens a car door.

Q.Why can't blondes make kool-aid?

A.They don't understand how to get the 2 quarts of water into the little package.

Q.What did the blonde say to her boyfriend after he blew in her ear?

A.Thanks for the refill. There was a blonde and brunette walking through the woods. The brunette pointed and said look a dead bird the blonde looked up and asked, "where??".

Q: Three people were walking down the street. Santa Clause, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde. They all saw a ten dollar bill on the sidewalk. Who got it?

A: The dumb blonde got it because the other two are fictional

[CAPTJJ]

[30-30]

           That's funny JJ.

[30-30]

An old guy and his son had a one-mule farm where they eked out a living. One day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000. He rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home, where he told his father the good news, and handed him $50 bill.


The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford a license to legally marry your Ma."


"Pa!" the son exclaims, "do you know what that makes me?"


"Sure do," said the old guy fingering the fifty-dollar bill. "And a damn cheap one, too."

[chuckrudy]

like it.

[30-30]

Even When They Lie, Women are Noble - Gerald McEathron

 One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

 The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

 The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

 The seamstress replied, "No."

 The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

 Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

 The Lord reached down again and came up with a simple leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

 The seamstress replied, "Yes."

 The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

 Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When the seamstress cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

 "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

 The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

 "Yes!" cried the seamstress.

 The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

 The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

 And so the Lord let her keep him.

 The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and is always in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

 Signed, A Women.

[30-30]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

[chuckrudy]

good one.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....” 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[BowHunterDan]

Must have been blonde? 

[30-30]

A cowboy from Texas attended a social function where Barack Obama was trying to gather support for his re-election.  When Obama discovered the cowboy was from President Bush's home area, he started to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.                                                                                                                                                                         
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.  The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches.  They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.  But a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,"Hard to fool them flies, though." 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

    nice

[HFNYO09]

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school
crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called
and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the
sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS