Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 911763 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6480 on: Jan 25, 2023, 04:20:50 AM »


A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming knowledgeable about the Bible. But one day, she surprised her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6481 on: Jan 25, 2023, 05:53:25 PM »
 :)


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6482 on: Jan 28, 2023, 04:04:41 AM »


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6483 on: Jan 29, 2023, 05:04:57 AM »



Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.
When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johnny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating...
"If I don't eat, I don't pay!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6484 on: Jan 29, 2023, 06:42:34 AM »
 :)


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6485 on: Jan 30, 2023, 04:24:44 AM »


I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".

I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6486 on: Jan 30, 2023, 05:21:06 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6487 on: Jan 31, 2023, 04:27:08 AM »

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."




Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6488 on: Feb 02, 2023, 12:52:44 AM »
 ;D


Offline monk

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6489 on: Feb 02, 2023, 11:09:15 AM »
 MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! God Bless America!
"Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young."
Theodore Rooseve

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6490 on: Feb 03, 2023, 04:06:58 AM »

The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!"

"That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.

"That's a lion!" answered a little boy.

"Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?"

Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6491 on: Feb 03, 2023, 01:43:47 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6492 on: Feb 04, 2023, 04:10:22 AM »


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the ki tchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
#joke


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6493 on: Feb 04, 2023, 05:18:56 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6494 on: Feb 05, 2023, 04:31:44 AM »


A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!""Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"


 


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