Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 912936 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6375 on: Oct 20, 2022, 03:55:27 AM »


Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it?”“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.”“I don’t mean that,” the deacon replied. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”“Oh sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6376 on: Oct 20, 2022, 05:51:43 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6377 on: Oct 22, 2022, 03:52:22 AM »


John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.

"Not really," says Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well what would you like for our anniversary?" John asks.

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6378 on: Oct 22, 2022, 05:51:23 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6379 on: Oct 23, 2022, 03:46:19 AM »


I told my wife that there is only one thing that scares me on Halloween.
My wife: Which is?
Me: Exactly!


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6380 on: Oct 25, 2022, 04:00:31 AM »


One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said,
"I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.
The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.
God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."   




Offline monk

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6381 on: Oct 25, 2022, 04:20:21 PM »
 MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! God Bless America!
"Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young."
Theodore Rooseve

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6382 on: Oct 26, 2022, 04:03:52 AM »



After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6383 on: Oct 26, 2022, 07:18:09 AM »
 ;D
« Last Edit: Oct 26, 2022, 07:21:15 AM by Green Mountian Hunter »


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6384 on: Oct 27, 2022, 04:12:19 AM »


A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict. The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6385 on: Oct 28, 2022, 04:18:53 AM »


A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?"

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6386 on: Oct 29, 2022, 04:25:31 AM »


A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."


The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"




Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6387 on: Oct 30, 2022, 04:04:41 AM »


As my family was leaving Disney World, my daughter waved and said, "Goodbye Minnie!"
My son waved and said, "Goodbye Mickey!"
I waved and said, "Goodbye money!"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6388 on: Nov 02, 2022, 04:24:34 AM »


A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared, ready to devour the man whole. The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, "Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion." A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion. The lion then drops to his knees, looks up to heavens and prays, "Dear God, bless you for this food I'm about to receive."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6389 on: Nov 03, 2022, 03:46:44 AM »


There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.


He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"



 


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