Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 720416 times)

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6270 on: Aug 05, 2022, 04:50:05 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6271 on: Aug 07, 2022, 04:36:43 AM »


During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level

He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.' Inspired by the story, the doctor said, 'You must be one hell of an outdoors man!' 'NAH,' he replied, 'I'm just a lousy golfer.'


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6272 on: Aug 07, 2022, 05:21:51 PM »
 ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6273 on: Aug 09, 2022, 04:19:26 AM »


A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue."

The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Whirling Walter!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6274 on: Aug 09, 2022, 05:42:18 AM »
 ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6275 on: Aug 10, 2022, 05:04:51 AM »


A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword."
The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and stabs himself to death.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-his stomach, sides, and his chest. There is blood gushing out all over.
The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe, you stupid jerk!" 




Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6276 on: Aug 10, 2022, 05:14:07 AM »
   :D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6277 on: Aug 11, 2022, 04:15:02 AM »


A man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."


The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6278 on: Aug 11, 2022, 05:51:50 PM »
 ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6279 on: Aug 12, 2022, 04:23:02 AM »


A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.
The guy says, "No, ma'am."
She says, "Well, do you have any dates?"
And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6280 on: Aug 14, 2022, 04:34:47 AM »


After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6281 on: Aug 14, 2022, 12:06:21 PM »
 ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6282 on: Aug 15, 2022, 04:09:46 AM »


A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to reception, she hammers on the bell.

Yes, says the receptionist irritably.

Excuse me, says the woman, but I'm in a frightful hurry, could you check me out, please?

The clerk stares at her, looks her up and down. Not bad, he smiles, not bad at all.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6283 on: Aug 16, 2022, 04:12:23 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6284 on: Aug 16, 2022, 05:10:55 AM »


Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it? ”“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests. ”“I don’t mean that,” the deacon replied. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”“ Oh sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”



 


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