Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 744031 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6495 on: Feb 06, 2023, 03:51:48 AM »


Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.
Wife: I am coming with the broom.
Husband: Itís not urgent. You can come on foot.

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6496 on: Feb 06, 2023, 04:14:19 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6497 on: Feb 07, 2023, 03:31:12 AM »


One day a blonde went up to a soda machine, put in some money, and a soda came out. She got really excited and started to put more money into the machine. The more and more she did it, the more the soda came out.
After a while someone walked up to her and asked if they could please get a soda.
The blonde looked at them angrily and said: "Get out of my face, I'm winning!"

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6498 on: Feb 07, 2023, 04:08:06 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6499 on: Feb 09, 2023, 03:53:53 AM »


In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus   first step.
So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.
And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!!!"
At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends."



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6500 on: Feb 09, 2023, 05:35:20 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6501 on: Feb 10, 2023, 03:43:00 AM »

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough.

She took Little Johnny to the principal's office.

While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Little Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Little Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Little Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Little Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Little Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Little Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Little Johnny: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Little Johnny was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Little Johnny: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Little Johnny: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Little Johnny: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Little Johnny: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Little Johnny: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Little Johnny: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Little Johnny: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Little Johnny: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Little Johnny in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."




Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6502 on: Feb 11, 2023, 03:37:48 AM »


Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6503 on: Feb 12, 2023, 04:14:35 AM »

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. Just a minute, I said, thinking of a quick solution. I'll put down newspapers.


That's all right, lady, he responded. I'm already trained.



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6504 on: Feb 13, 2023, 04:00:50 AM »



A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number. What kind of car was he driving? the husband asked.

I don't know, she said. I never can tell one car from another.


At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.

It worked.

About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. Darling, she said. I hit a Buick!


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6505 on: Feb 13, 2023, 04:29:43 AM »
  ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6506 on: Feb 14, 2023, 04:29:47 AM »


As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6507 on: Feb 14, 2023, 04:15:31 PM »
 :)


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6508 on: Feb 15, 2023, 04:58:01 AM »


The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning.

Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him.


But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special.

When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard.

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like, is to sing my favorite song, the whole thing, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6509 on: Feb 15, 2023, 03:43:37 PM »
 ;D


 


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