Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 737734 times)

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6255 on: Jul 26, 2022, 03:59:57 AM »
   ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6256 on: Jul 27, 2022, 03:49:53 AM »


It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!!"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6257 on: Jul 28, 2022, 04:26:56 AM »


A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6258 on: Jul 28, 2022, 04:52:44 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6259 on: Jul 29, 2022, 04:44:07 AM »


Bill and Hilary were driving through Little Rock, and when they passed by a gas station a big man yelled 'Hi Hilary' and Hilary said 'Hi Bubba'.

Bill asked 'who was that?' And Hilary told him it was a old high school boyfriend. Bill said, 'See if you married him you would be married to a gas station attendant, but you married me now you're the first lady.'

And Hilary told him, 'If I married him he would be the president, and you would be the gas station attendant.'




Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6260 on: Jul 29, 2022, 04:52:49 AM »
 :D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6261 on: Jul 30, 2022, 04:36:47 AM »

The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny’s turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy. ”“That was a very misguided thing to do, my son,” said the priest patiently. “It wasn’t misguided at all,” said Little Johnny. “I hit him.”

« Last Edit: Jul 30, 2022, 04:39:02 AM by 30-30 »

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6262 on: Jul 31, 2022, 03:43:45 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6263 on: Jul 31, 2022, 04:12:35 AM »


A man of eighty-one yells with joy as the nurse comes in and tells him that his twenty-year-old bride just gave birth to a baby. The man muses, "I wonder if I could do it again."
Another expectant father answers, "What makes you think you did it the first time?"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6264 on: Jul 31, 2022, 04:45:45 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6265 on: Aug 01, 2022, 05:29:50 AM »


A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home." 



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6266 on: Aug 02, 2022, 05:29:31 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6267 on: Aug 04, 2022, 04:38:55 AM »


A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.

St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's President Biden's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6268 on: Aug 04, 2022, 02:50:06 PM »
 ;D
« Last Edit: Aug 05, 2022, 04:49:37 AM by Green Mountian Hunter »


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6269 on: Aug 05, 2022, 04:46:36 AM »


Prison vs. Work

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.



 


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