Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 878326 times)

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6225 on: Jul 05, 2022, 06:31:01 AM »
  ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6226 on: Jul 06, 2022, 03:54:26 AM »


When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one
of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when

the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the

store to hear, "Price check on Tampax, supersize please."

As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the

store misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the

intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb

or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6227 on: Jul 06, 2022, 11:48:10 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6228 on: Jul 07, 2022, 04:25:04 AM »


What a woman Really Means

I need = I want

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...

I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

I was wrong = Not as wrong as you

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6229 on: Jul 07, 2022, 09:37:32 AM »
 :)


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6230 on: Jul 08, 2022, 04:04:11 AM »


When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6231 on: Jul 08, 2022, 04:59:03 AM »
 :)


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6232 on: Jul 10, 2022, 04:09:25 AM »


A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful. The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6233 on: Jul 10, 2022, 05:03:57 AM »
 :D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6234 on: Jul 11, 2022, 03:59:07 AM »


During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6235 on: Jul 11, 2022, 07:49:01 PM »
 :D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6236 on: Jul 12, 2022, 04:06:49 AM »


A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6237 on: Jul 13, 2022, 04:07:45 AM »


A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6238 on: Jul 13, 2022, 07:44:33 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #6239 on: Jul 14, 2022, 04:49:10 AM »


Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight.
“Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spell-checker comes free with your Microsoft program.”
A minute later came his reply, “Must be dephective.”


 


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