Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 913440 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5880 on: Oct 20, 2021, 04:03:39 AM »


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"


The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."   

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5881 on: Oct 20, 2021, 06:44:26 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5882 on: Oct 22, 2021, 05:34:12 AM »


While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5883 on: Oct 22, 2021, 05:39:57 AM »
  :)


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5884 on: Oct 23, 2021, 04:43:38 AM »


The other day I bought a new GPS for old angry people...
It tells other people where to go!


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5885 on: Oct 23, 2021, 06:31:20 AM »
Hehe find myself doing that a lot  :)


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5886 on: Oct 24, 2021, 04:15:53 AM »


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5887 on: Oct 24, 2021, 05:47:31 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5888 on: Oct 25, 2021, 03:42:19 AM »


In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it nearly always turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them and after hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk to them.
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across from the huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief and quickly said, "We are in big trouble!"

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, big trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"




Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5889 on: Oct 26, 2021, 04:55:26 AM »


One day, three unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff. So they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job.

After filing out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired. As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss.

The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job.

Also a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress.

The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it.

The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on.

The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start.

The boss replied, "Why not take them and put them in our Cereal Division...Snap, Crackle and Pop should work out fine down there."


 

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5890 on: Oct 26, 2021, 05:40:37 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5891 on: Oct 27, 2021, 03:19:08 AM »


A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict. The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."




Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5892 on: Oct 27, 2021, 06:12:33 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5893 on: Oct 29, 2021, 03:51:55 AM »


A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."



The man sighed and said: "It's started.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5894 on: Oct 30, 2021, 04:19:21 AM »


I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and they told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that.

Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and the answer was the classic, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"




 


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