Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 911140 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5505 on: Feb 10, 2021, 03:42:18 AM »


A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinating."
Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinated."
So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her chest's so big she could only fasten eight!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5506 on: Feb 10, 2021, 05:44:12 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5507 on: Feb 11, 2021, 03:53:56 AM »


A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones. The doctor in the intensive care unit asks him, "Are you married?"
"No, I've been run over by a truck."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5508 on: Feb 11, 2021, 10:12:34 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5509 on: Feb 12, 2021, 03:43:42 AM »


Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, "How many wives can a man have?"
His friend answered, "Sixteen... four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer."

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5510 on: Feb 12, 2021, 07:58:38 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5511 on: Feb 13, 2021, 04:52:43 AM »


What Children Do.............
** For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. ** For those who have children this age, this is not funny. ** For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. ** For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs in her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy sh_t! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5512 on: Feb 13, 2021, 07:17:21 PM »
 :o


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5513 on: Feb 16, 2021, 04:34:50 AM »


You know you are getting old when the smile beside your bedside isn't that same smile. It's your teeth in a jam jar

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5514 on: Feb 17, 2021, 05:04:45 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5515 on: Feb 19, 2021, 04:51:30 AM »


25 Signs You're Getting Old
1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
5. You are proud of your lawn mower.
6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.



11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
14. You send money to PBS.
15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
16. You take a metal detector to the beach.
17. You know what the word "equity" means.
18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
19. Your ears are hairier than your head.
20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.
23. You can go bowling without drinking.
24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
25. People send you this list.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5516 on: Feb 20, 2021, 04:31:41 AM »

A man sits down at a bar and orders a double martini. After he finishes, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another double martini. The barman says: "I'll bring you martinis all night but why do you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5517 on: Feb 20, 2021, 07:40:43 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5518 on: Feb 21, 2021, 04:30:46 AM »


Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5519 on: Feb 21, 2021, 06:04:31 PM »
 ;D


 


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