Comic Relief!!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                                                                     The Blind Man



                    A blind man with an assistance dog was getting ready to cross the street. When the dog took him across he almost got ran over by the traffic     
                    and the cars where sliding everywhere to avoid hitting him. When he got to the other side, he took out a treat to give it to the dog.
                    A spectator who saw what happened couldn't believe his eyes. He ran over to the blind man and said, "Sir, why are you rewarding that dog,
                    he almost got you killed?"  The blind man replied, "I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his a**!"

[30-30]

 

                     

[30-30]

The six kinds of married sex

1. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period: you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage: you'll have sex anywhere,anytime, even in the kitchen on the table, etc.

3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" (This is also called oral sex by some.)

5. There is also a fifth kind: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your spouse screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

6. There is also Social Security Sex...that's when you get some once a month but it's not enough to live on

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Texan finally gets around to going fishing one morning. 

After a while, he runs out of worms. He spots a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth and frogs are good bass bait. He knows the snake can’t bite him with the frog in his mouth, so he reaches down, grabs him behind the head, takes the frog and puts it in his bait bucket.

Now the dilemma is how to release the snake without getting bit.

He grabs his bottle of Jack Daniels and pours a little whiskey in the snake’s mouth. The snake’s eyes roll back, and he goes limp. Texan releases him into the lake without incident and carries on with his fishing, using the frog as bait.

A little bit later, Texan feels a nudge on his foot. Looking down, he sees the damn snake again, this time with two frogs in his mouth!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

There were two blondes who went deep into the woods
 searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close
 calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other
 and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't
 care whether it's decorated or not!"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[seags]

There were two blondes who went deep into the woods
 searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close
 calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other
 and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't
 care whether it's decorated or not!"

I like that one, that would be something my sister would do.
   but why would you let a blonde have an axe?
   My sister has no idea how to make a pot of tea.
    Although she can make very good lasagna

[30-30]

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a
 creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm
 into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His
 arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish
 the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence
 the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can
 accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached
 his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                                                           The Chicken Farmer

                                  A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going
                                  to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man,
                                  "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

                                   A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby
                                   chickens." The co-op man complies.

                                   Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says,

                                   "Give me 500 baby chickens."

                                   "Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing
                                    well!" "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting
                                    them too deep or too far apart!"

[30-30]

A little girl wants to walk her dog, but her father says that she can't because the dog is in heat. After a moment's thought, he finally says, "Well, I guess, if we pour gas on the dog's rear end it will kill the scent." So he does. Half an hour later, the girl returns. The father says, "Where's the dog?" The girl replies,"She ran out of gas half a block down the street, and the neighbor's dog is pushing her home."

[Green Mountian Hunter]