Comic Relief!!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                       50th Anniversary

                 A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
                 On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
                 He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.
                 Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you.
                 Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

[30-30]

                             

[30-30]

A little girl runs out to the back-yard where her father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?"  So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc... He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... He thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works. He describes masturbation, anal and oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and discipline, rape, pedophilia, homosexuality, bestiality, sex toys etc., etc...

 

The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks:

 

  "So what did you want to know about sex for?”

 

  "Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                         When is a retiree's bedtime?

                         Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

[30-30]

You do know what would have happened if it had been
 three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you?
They would have asked for directions,
 arrived on time,
 helped deliver the baby,
 cleaned the stable,
 made a casserole,
 and brought disposable diapers as gifts!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

Nice one 

[30-30]

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
 
 Mother: "What does the cow say?"
 
 Child: "Moooo!"
 
 Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
 
 Child: "Meow."
 
 Mother: "Oh you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

 
 And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother
 and replied, "Bud."   

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking & Brain Development”

 

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace.

 

Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.

 

The moral of the story:  Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 
                                             Elderly Couple

               An elderly couple go to church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husbands ear,
              "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?
              " The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."



                   

[30-30]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her church.

 

"Reverend," she said, " I have a problem--my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons.  It's very embarrassing.  What should I do?"

 

"I have an idea," said the minister.  "Take this hatpin with you. I'll be able to tell when Mr.  Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times.  When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg with the pin."

 

In church, the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off.  Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.  "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.  "Jesus!" cried Mr. Jones as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin.  "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.

 

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again.   Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" cried out Mr. Jones as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

 

"Right again, Mr. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.

 

Before long, Mr. Jones dozed off again.  However, this time the minister didn't notice.  As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to wake her husband again.  She was just sticking her husband with the hatpin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

 

Mr. Jones shrieked, “You stick that damned thing in me one more time, and I'll break it off and shove it up your butt!!!!"

 

Thus ended the sermon.......

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                          What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?

                           Polaroids!

[30-30]

Wisdom From Seniors
 

 When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
 *
 I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
 *
 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
 *
 All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
 *
 If all is not lost, where is it?
 *
 It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
 *
 The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.
 *
 I tried to get a life once, But they told me they were out of stock.
 *
 I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though.
 *
 It was so different before everything changed.
 *
 Some day's you're the dog, and some day's you're the hydrant.
 *
 Nostalgia isn't what it use to be.
 *
 Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
 *
 A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
 *
 I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.
 *
 Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause
kids.
 *
 It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
 *
 It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
 *
 Living on Earth is expensive, But it does include a trip around the sun.
 *
 The only time the world beats a path to your door is if your in the bathroom.
 *
 If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
 *
 Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run (he hates that).
 *
 Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
 *
 When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else
decide to play chess.
 *
 If you are living on the edge, make sure your wearing your seatbelt.
 *
 There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the dead.
 *
 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
 *
 A closed mouth gathers no feet.
 *
 Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
 *
 Its not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
 *
 Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
 *
 The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.